Since my road-trip vacation has spilled over into the beginning of the season, I'm coming to you from a DVR-free hotel room in Mitchell, South Dakota. Yes, I'm a Golden Veto's throw from the world-famous Corn Palace, which seems apropos to the occasion somehow. But also, in case I miss something vital because I can't pause or rewind, rest assured that I'll pick it up in the weecap. The good news is that nothing vital ever happens on this show.
Julie, looking quite normal in a red dress, talks about dynamic duos and uses the phrase "double trouble" as though it means something. Apparently some of my least-favorite past contestants will be back this season, en masse, and there's nothing I or anyone else can do about it. Huzzah.
So there's the whole intro thing, where we hear all about the show's premise. At least we only hear it once a year, which somehow still seems a little too frequent for my liking. But this time it looks like there will be some twists, with "former pairs" returning, and maybe something else involving a fortune-telling machine? I don't know, I hate this show.
Then Julie comes back to talk some more about dynamic duos, and how it's an all-new twist. Julie says that eight people are about to go into the house to play as pairs -- plus three other pairs will also be returning. So really, it's just a couple of past twists recycled and thrown together. As usual. So let's start meeting the new houseguests, at least one of which you will have completely forgotten about by this time month.
Dominic, a handsome young guy (he's 25) from San Mateo, talks about riding fast and poses with his motorcycle, but he lives with his mom. Looks like someone hasn't quite reached escape velocity. Cassi, 26, is a model from Nashville, and poses without motorcycle. She also fishes. Lawon is in a men's clothing store, apparently to answer the question you ask yourself when you see brightly colored blazers on the rack, that question being "Who would buy this?" Lawon would, and did. His wardrobe is almost as loud and obnoxious as he is. And dude is 39.
Keith, 32, is both a youth minister from Bolingbrook, IL, and his patron saint would appear to be Smoove B. "I focus on the game and not the girls," he quotes from the Bible. Shelly, 41, is some kind of outdoor company person from Louisiana, and is seen hunting and shooting. Too bad she won't be allowed to bring her weapons into the house. I assume.
Adam, Kalia, and Porsche. My favorite part of the season is when I have to add all these morons' names to my spellcheck dictionary. Adam (39) describes himself as a Heavy Metal Teddy Bear. He's got lots of hair, but it's all on the bottom half of his head. We see him metal-roaring in the club, then sipping appletinis with the girls at a table. Kalia, 30, from Philadelphia, describes herself as "the real-life Carrie from Sex and the City," which gives me a nice head start on hating her. In Miami, Porsche (23) says she's a VIP waitress, and that she's the hottest girl everywhere she goes, so everyone will hate her. Yes, but that's not why.
Montage of all the new HGs rushing to pack. Keith packs his bible, and a diagram of his "strategy" that looks like he drew it in occupational therapy. Lawon talks about the stuff he needs to be "handsomified." He omits a major mutation. Kalia says everyone loves sex, and Dominic says he's a virgin, so they'll get along well. Lawon says he can be either gay or straight, depending on what people want. I think he's half right, but I didn't hear him offering to be what I want, which is gone. Montage of goodbyes, some of which are more tearful than others, and they all get into cars to be driven off, except for Dominic and his motorcycle. So he won't be living with his mom for a little while, at least.
Now, the idiot eight enter the studio one by one, carrying their bags. They assemble on the front steps, as Julie remarks that this is the first time they've all met and they're not allowed to speak. Julie points out that there are only eight of them, as if they can't count (which, okay, maybe some of them can't), and reminds them that once they walk in, they won't come out until they're either evicted or have won the grand prize. Or second place. Everyone always forgets second place.The first four to go in are Porsche, Dominic, Lawon, and Shelly. They have one minute to pick their beds, so of course they spend the first ten seconds cheering and high-fiving, before Dominic and Lawon claim what I'm calling the "library" because it has wallpaper that looks like bookshelves. Because that's where you want to spend three months in a house where no books are allowed. [Oh, like these people can read. -- Angel] Porsche and Shelly grab the brightly colored room, and Shelly Diary Rooms that Porsche sounds like a stripper name. Like there aren't at least half a dozen stripper names on this show every season, if you count some of the dudes.
Cassi, Keith, Kalia, and Adam enter , howling and screaming. Keith is the grossest minister ever in the DR, leering about all the eye candy. Dude, get a grip. Kids are watching. Kids you minister to. Ew.
Kalia talks about how grossed out she is by shared showers, so thanks for showing up, but Dominic is with her. Not literally in the shower. Porsche boasts about her personality in the DR, "but the doctors did help a little." I didn't think doctors could help with that. When things settle down a bit, they finally notice 12 place settings at the table and ten beds, which clues in even these idiots that there must be more people coming. I'd be fine with an eight-person season myself; it would only be half as long. Moving to the living room, there are eight glasses for the champagne toast. Adam boasts in the DR about how he's going to "dominate" the game. I always enjoy when that's the first thing you hear from someone. It's generally a good sign of who's going home first.
Keith introduces himself as being from a matchmaking service rather than a deacon. "I want them to feel comfortable coming to me, especially the ladies." OH MY GOD there's not a church in the country that's going to hire him after this, with the possible exception of Westboro Baptist. Adam tells everyone he's from Hoboken, a metalhead who loves bacon and Beverly Hills ." Then there's a montage of everyone mocking him by doing metal-roars in the DR.
Shelly talks about her marriage and her eight-year-old daughter. Kalia says she's a writer, and in the DR, Keith is impressed by her "puppies." He's been hanging around junior high boys waaaay too much. Dominic says he's a college student who models. He seems to be Porsche's type. She goes , explaining that her parents named her after the car. Well, I didn't think they named her after the Merchant of Venice character. She claims she's a "student," when she's really a VIP cocktail waitress, because she doesn't want people to think her life is too cushy. I think there's more danger of them thinking she's an idiot. Lawon says he'll forget everyone's name and slap nicknames on all of them instead. Cassi's about three words into her intro before Keith hits on her, and she keeps her modeling job to herself, to avoid the stigma. Toast to all. Alas, none of them chokes.
Julie's back, reminding us that three former BB duos will be back for a second shot. I don't even care who it is because I already know I'll hate them all.
Julie's at her spot to the viewscreen as she tells us the houseguests are about to be "blindsided." Like, anyone who goes on this show not expecting to be blindsided by this point only has blind sides. Julie alludes to the fact that they'll be forced to play in pairs, but we'll get the full skinny along with the eight Stevie Wonders in a minute. The HGs are assembled in the living room so she can talk to them, reminding them to "expect the unexpected." Julie hints at "dynamic duos," alluding to Dan and Memphis, Rachel and Brendon, and Will and Mike Boogie. She pauses between all the names so we can savor each individual shudder. Julie breaks the news that they will be partnering with someone in the room, and tells them to choose wisely. "If you win Head of Household, you and your partner will be safe for the week. But instead of nominating two individual houseguests, you will be nominating one duo." Meaning the duo will have to campaign against each other.
So it's a little like BB9, with the difference that they don't have to be opposite-sex couples, and with the additional difference that the show isn't lying and claiming that the partners will be together through the whole season when everyone knows this "twist" will be ditched several weeks after it's apparent that it isn't working. Keith loudly protests that his whole strategy just got wrecked (serves him right for diagramming a strategy in the first place), and Julie signs off. Keith DRs that his plan to put together an alliance called "Keith's Angels" just went south. I have to admit, I would have preferred to not see the producers sabotage that right out of the gate, so I could see Keith faceplant with it all by himself. Still, he rallies quickly and drafts Porsche because he thinks she's the hottest girl there. Southern girls Cassi and Shelly team up, and Adam drafts Dominic, which is a lose-lose situation for Dominic. As he puts it in the DR, he doesn't really want to be partnered with Adam, but on the other hand, he's physically afraid to say no. And Kalia isn't happy about being stuck with Lawon by default, seeing as how she was planning to lay low and Lawon is a walking, howling freak flag.
So now the pairs sit to each other on the couches. Julie then mentions that there are eight people and warns, "You aren't the only pairs playing this game." And with that, she signs off. Everyone freaks out, but quickly agree that they're going to stick together as the Original Eight. Then they scatter around the house, but Porsche and Kalia hang in the kitchen voicing their doubts about their respective partners. This is interrupted by the doorbell, of course, just when it was about to get interesting. Can't have that.
And in comes BB12's Rachel, in full bray, followed by Brendon. Oh, God, kill me now. Dominic's worried, because of how well those two did last season despite everyone hating them. Brendon and Rachel DR about his proposal on a hot air balloon. They leave out the part where Brendon was sexting someone else.
Adam is already pissed off. Rachel's got her laugh on, boasting in the DR and making me want to kill myself more with each HAH! Montage of Rachel's laugh, just in case you had any illusions that this season might be in any way bearable.
Doorbell again. It's Jeff and Jordan, who I don't hate as much as I should, given that this is going to be the third season of a CBS reality show where I've recapped them. Lawon is thrilled, calling them "Big Brother royalty." Shelly's totally starstruck (her word), but isn't thrilled to be playing against them. Jeff and Jordan appear jointly in the DR, saying they're still together. Jordan says their relationship has been going strong for a year and a half, which Jeff mockingly corrects. Clearly the key to their success as a romantic couple is that neither of them ever gets tired of Jeff laughing at what a moron she is.
Adam's still pissed off, taking it personally. The twelve of them sit around worried. And then the doorbell rings again, and since there's a commercial break before we find out who it is, it's going to suck. A. Lot. If it's two Jessies, I quit.
But in comes... Evel Dick. Danielle slinks in behind him, looking corpse-like with black hair, probably hoping that people will fail to either recognize her or associate her with Dick. Dick DRs that he's back to win twice. Adam says Dick is his favorite player, which makes me like Adam even less, and compares seeing him to meeting Tori Spelling, which I actually kind of agree with, although for different reasons than Adam's. Lawon is overwhelmed. "My mind is like a Twizzler, but you know what? Bring it." He's gone. Keith says that after seeing Danielle, he's "thinking about kicking Porsche to the curb." OH MY GOD STOP TALKING. Brendon says Danielle must be an amazing person, to be able to put up with Dick. Which is an amazing remark, given who Brendon puts up with. Dick introduces himself to the fellow HGs as "The only winner here," as if Jordan isn't in the room. He quickly rallies, calling her "The most likable winner of them all." High praise indeed. "We're all winners here," Jeff lies. Awkward silence. Dick announces he's going upstairs, and while he's up on the mezzanine for no other reason than to make everyone else look up at him, he offhandedly mentions that he and Danielle haven't spoken in three years. Those must have been three good years for Danielle. In the DR, Dick boasts while Danielle sits as far away from him as possible, looking pained. In fact, I don't think she's said a word on camera yet. In the DR, Jeff isn't entirely buying it, but admits it works for them. Dominic maintains that the original eight need to stick together if they're going to have a chance. Which they won't, and which they don't. Then Julie says the HoH competition and the "final twist" are coming up. Of course they are.
The back yard is decorated in jungle mode, with giant bananas hanging from the overhead grid, causing Lawon to imitate a monkey in the DR. Clearly Lawon's strategy is to make as much noise as possible at all times. Jeff thinks that the dynamic in the house is going to be vets versus newbies, so he's pulling for the former group. Sounds like a solid strategy. With the pairs outside in matching t-shirts, Julie tells them the game is called "Going Bananas." The people who come up with the competition titles are bringing their A-game as always. So are the competition designers, because this is a simple endurance competition in which each houseguest has to hold onto a giant plastic banana hanging from overhead -- two per banana, with each duo sharing a banana. They clamp on, and the bananas are raised above the yard. Cassi and Shelly are nervous about their "strategy," because they're the only ones who are both hanging from the top instead of one sitting on top of the other. While the bananas swing gently back and forth, they're sprayed with chocolate from off-screen. You know, just because. Shelly soon slips off. Of course she DRs that she threw it, per an agreement with Cassi. Jordan and her pixilated ass-crack fall off . "Big shocker," Jeff DRs. Keith can't get comfortable on Porsche's head and falls, which is probably going to symbolize their whole relationship. Down go Cassi and Lawon, so it's already not looking good for the newbies. Dominic is feeling uncomfortable with Adam trying to boost him up with his big bald head, as almost anyone would. Dick figures he's the biggest target. Indeed, he does seem to have packed on a few. Adam slips, and gives a metal-roar of rage from the ground. Jeff is starting to slip, but at least he lands on his feet before letting out one of his trademarked blurred curses. Dominic falls, and of the original eight, that leaves only Porsche and Kalia still in the game. Brendon lets go without pulling down Rachel, which sadly also symbolizes their relationship. Dick's the last man hanging. Kalia falls, leaving only Porsche from the O8 still in it. "I spend most of my time on bananas," Rachel says from atop her fruity perch.
Then they get spooged with whipped cream. Porsche is slipping, her ass-crack pixilated like blurry distress signal, and she's the to drop, leaving Rachel and Dick and Danielle still in the game. With nobody left but the veterans, Dick proposes a deal, and Rachel tells them to fall and they'll be safe. Dick goes for it, but Danielle hangs on a little longer, unsure if she can trust Rachel. Of course she can't. But she does anyway, and Rachel's the first HoH, meaning she and Brendon are safe for this week. Why has no one killed me yet? "No one comes between me and my banana!" she brays in the DR. Wait, don't kill me, kill her.
Adam DRs about this throwing off his game. Julie reminds us that Rachel's the new HoH, but there's still another twist yet to come. Please let it be that the first HoH has to leave immediately, forever.
Back from the ads, Julie says that Rachel has to nominate a duo for eviction, but there's another twist. The still-messy houseguests are herded into the living room for a convo with Julie via viewscreen. Julie reminds new HoH Rachel she'll have to nominate two people. One of the two nominees will be evicted, but the other will get a new thing called the "Big Brother Golden Key," which guarantees that person a spot in the top ten. In other words, anyone who is nominated in the first four weeks will be immune during that time and will not participate in any competitions, but will still vote in evictions. Rachel lets out a nervous laugh, which tragically is just as grating as her ordinary laugh. Everyone talks about what this means. "I'm plotting against Danielle right now," Dick announces to the room. Danielle DRs something similar. Rachel calls the Golden Key the ultimate floater, demonstrating her persistent failure to understand what the word "floater" means.
So then there's the customary flogging of the upcoming week and seasons, and then Julie invites us to eavesdrop on the houseguests. They're all still trying to figure out how this whole Golden Key think works. They're probably still going to be figuring this out by Sunday's episode, I suspect. I also suspect that they will have thought it through more thoroughly than the producers did.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.