Julie is draped in moss-green as she reminds us that for the first time ever, a secret alliance made it all the way to the end. I still can't believe it myself. She says that accursed phrase, "two-hour season finale," and the audience jumps to its feet. Except the Zingbot 3000. I think it was already standing.
A whole season's worth of previouslies ensue, as if we haven't already spent 29 broadcast hours on these people this summer. Except this version makes it seem like the Brigade knew exactly what it was doing all along. Which is not how I remember it at all, even if Enzo does.
So we're where we are, which is with Brigadiers Enzo, Lane, and Hayden alone in the house. Hayden won the first part of the three-part HoH competition, and Lane won the second, so tonight they'll be competing live for the honor of naming the last evictee (which will probably be Enzo, who's won approximately fuck-all).
But first! Julie introduces an unnecessary clip package of the final three and their last round of pre-live show strategizing. Hayden Diary Rooms that if he wins the HoH he's all set, but Lane still isn't sure which of the other two he'll want up against him if he wins. Enzo, on the other hand, realizes that he's screwed. "I'm the mastermind, I'm the Godfather, and it looks like I made a hit on myself." Yeah, that's about right.
Lane and Hayden hang out in the kitchen in homemade "BRA-GADE" t-shirts, congratulating each other. Hayden tries to downplay his own record to try to convince Lane to bring him to the final two in advance, but Lane isn't sure yet. If he's lucky, it'll be moot.
Meanwhile, Enzo is bitter about his own creation turning on him, and vows not to lay down and die. Even though he's currently laying down in a bedroom by himself while the other two hang out in the backyard.
day, Enzo is making the same case to Hayden that Hayden made to Lane, talking about how much he sucked at all the competitions. Hayden points out that he played the "best social game ever in the history of Big Brother," but in the DR, he seems receptive to Enzo's point.
Enzo moves on to Lane, who claims that he couldn't beat Hayden or Enzo, but Enzo tries to convince Lane that the only person Lane can beat is Enzo. Lane's torn between his head and his heart. Although if he could see how ridiculous Hayden's hair looks in the shower, like we are right now, that might make his decision a little easier.
Final group Chenterview in the living room. Over the viewscreen, Julie asks Enzo if it was worth it to leave his wife and baby daughter to play the game, and he admits that it wasn't if he doesn't get any money out of it. Julie asks Hayden if he learned anything about himself, or life, and he says he feels like he can do anything. I assume he means anything that isn't dancing. Julie asks Lane what he'll miss most about the house, and he says "a guy calling himself Meow-Meow," and becoming best friends with a lot of people in a house full of strangers. What, that doesn't happen to him all the time?
Time to check in with the jury house. We see them all sitting around playing poker a week ago. Ragan says he had a rough start in the jury house, but it's better now. In fact, he's sitting to Matt at the table. Or maybe that's just to try to peek at the diabolical super-genius's cards. Ragan interviews that he's working on forgiving Matt. That'll be fun for him, given what we're about to see. Speculation on the jury member centers on Britney, and Ragan airs his theory that there's an alliance of dudes in the house. Although he's still being cagey about it for some reason. Matt just says, "Could be." Brendon says he wants someone to win who's won competitions, like anyone cares what Brendon thinks, up to and including Rachel. In walks Britney in her own "BRA-GADE (*alternate)" t-shirt, but only Matt knows what it means; Kathy thinks it has something to do with Britney's bra, which is actually understandable. Britney sits down tells everyone else about the secret alliance between Matt, Enzo, Hayden, and Lane. Grenade!
Rachel's shocked, and after Britney gets done telling them everything, Kathy asks, "Then why are you here, Matt?" Britney and Matt explain how the Brigade turned on him, and Matt says they thought he was getting too close to Ragan. "Ragan and I were both entirely disposable to you," Britney reminds Matt. Ragan is finally, belatedly, starting to get what a dick Matt is. Matt is claiming the whole Brigade was his idea, but Britney hastens to say that Enzo claimed all the credit, which no one believes -- including Matt. Britney explains how they told her before her eviction because they respected her as a competitor, while Ragan sits there to Matt all, "Yup." Yeah, Matt didn't even tell him after they were both jurors and it didn't matter. Matt states, as a fact (and not for the first time tonight) that he would have won if he'd made it to the final four with the rest of the Brigade. In fact, I'd make a macro for that if I were any good at macros.
Then the subject moves onto the saboteur. Matt asks Britney if it was her, and Britney bounces the question back at him. Matt denies it, and Kathy volunteers, "Matt lies about everything, Britney, I'll just put it to you like that." Matt takes that as an opening to inform Britney about his perfectly healthy wife, and she's not impressed. "But I was really hoping to come to the jury house and find out Rachel was pregnant," she tells everyone. Big laugh all around, except that I think Brendon might have peed himself.
Moving on to the back patio jury debate. Britney starts out by saying everyone all season was a Brigade casualty. I assume she means after Rachel could no longer evict people who got between her and her man. Rachel says the first thing I've agreed with from her all season when she floats the idea that they got lucky, but nobody except Brendon (and me) agrees with her, which makes me consider the possibility that maybe there actually was something to this whole Brigade thing. Ragan and Britney explain how with their side alliances (which Enzo has recently been selling as part of the strategy all along, even though he was gunning for them all season) they had not just four votes, but seven. So Rachel basically gets shouted down, which almost never happens unless it's by Ragan.
Kathy wonders who started the alliance. Matt claims they all worked together, but he was the brains who orchestrated it, and their smartest move was getting rid of them when they had the chance. "Yeah, that's what I thought too," Britney snarks. Matt turns on Enzo, but Britney, Brendon, and Rachel give him props for his social game. I think they've come around to the likelihood that Enzo was the guy behind the alliance after all. Probably by listening to what Matt said and then deciding the opposite.
Ragan and Matt make the case for Hayden as the best in individual competitions, and Matt even respects Hayden for the way he backstabbed him. Rachel argues that Hayden was manipulated by his allies, but Kathy goes as far as to call him "brilliant." Rachel claims Lane played the best game, and although Ragan admits no one's pissed at Lane, he says this isn't Big Clergyman. Britney, the captain of Team Lane, is actually a little offended on his behalf, and she and Rachel agree that Lane's smarter than he looks. Like that's hard.
Ragan outlines the three legs of the Big Brother stool as he sees it (and the show doesn't normally compare itself with stool quite so explicitly): social game, individual competition, and bold, strategic moves. Rachel says any of the final three will BS about their bold moves, and Brendon adds that none of them were big competitors, so it's going to have to come down to social game. They agree to ask questions, and Matt adds, "We also need to be careful to use simple words so we don't confuse them." Hee! All Kathy wants is the truth, although at least she spares us her usual speeches about integrity honesty blah blah shut up already. Britney says she has three deserving friends left in the house, and Ragan reminds them that they'll have to wait until the last competition determines the final two. He also remarks that whoever it is, it'll be nice to see them squirm for once, because now they've realized that none of them have had to.
Final-final-final HoH competition. It's the standard thing where for each question, they have to guess how a specific juror completed a certain statement. The one with the most points after six questions gets final HoH. Unless it's a tie? Anyway. The first question is about Rachel, and what her favorite moment in the house was. They both guess "falling in love with Brendon," so they both get the point, even thought neither of the options include Rachel's annoying laugh. Kathy said the most shocking moment was when Rachel returned, and not when Kathy herself was replacement-nommed by Matt and his Diamond PoV, and they both get it right. On to Matt, whose biggest mistake was either trusting the Brigade or throwing his last HoH. They both get that right too, choosing the latter.
Is Brendon most ashamed of going off on Ragan and Britney in the hammock, or throwing the bowling ball at Jeff and Jordan? That seems like a no-brainer to me, but I would have gotten it wrong and they both get it right. I overestimated Brendon, who is apparently fine with having nearly maimed Jeff and Jordan. Both players also give the same answer to a question about who Ragan thought needs the biggest reality check: "Brendon, because he was wiling to give his waitress a half-million dollar tip." That's beneath Ragan, which is probably why it's the first one they got wrong. They also agree on what Britney thought was the funniest moment in the house: Ragan and Rachel's fight, and not Kathy getting stuck in the caramel, which is what Britney said. Its four-all and Julie's out of questions, so on to the tiebreaker, and the final HoH comes down to guessing a random number: how many times did they get slammed against the walls during the first part of the final HoH? What, you mean they weren't counting?
Hayden guesses 91, and Lane guesses 55, and since the answer is 250, Hayden wins the final HoH. He's up out of his chair whooping and hugging Lane (who looks miserable) and Enzo. We'll be back to see who he sends home. But in the meantime, could they get slammed against the wall some more until they come to a rounder number?
Lane's mom and dad are in the audience, doing the Oscar-loser clap like pros. Julie gets on the viewscreen to the living room and invites Enzo to be the first one to make his case to Hayden. Enzo says it's a tough decision and tells Hayden to do what he's got to do. Lane says Hayden deserves it, he loves them both, and had a tremendous time. Julie reminds Hayden that he's a lock for at least the $50,000 second prize, but then tells him he's about to make a half-million-dollar decision. Wouldn't it be a $450,000 decision, then? Hayden tells them they're both awesome and that he's been loyal to them the whole time, and then sends Enzo out, telling him he's probably guaranteed $25,000 out there. Exit Enzo. Hayden and Lane talk about how they both thought the other was going to evict them, and they wonder about the questions they got wrong, like those decided anything beyond proving that these two dudes have more or less the same brain.
Out in the studio, Enzo says he's not surprised; he boasts about his social game, puts off his record with the competitions, and says he made the greatest alliance ever. He also says he had the greatest final speech ever that he won't get to make now. He says it stings ("I got no money out of this thing," he laments), but he understands it. Julie asks if he was surprised how much he sucked at competitions, and he admits that it kicked his butt. Julie asks how hard his final decision will be, and he says it'll be difficult, and Julie's happy to hear he hasn't made up his mind, I guess because she thinks that'll make it more interesting.
Farewell messages. Lane says he doesn't know what Hayden was thinking: "If I'd have won, you know I would have brought you to the final two." Did he have another farewell message in the hopper for if he evicted Enzo? And what if the producers had played the wrong one? Hayden calls Enzo the best social player ever, and says he's a huge threat, so he has to do what's best for him. Julie asks for Enzo's final thoughts (as if), and he says, "I love CBS," and he says he's ready to party tonight. Julie shakes hands with him, calling him Meow-Meow one last time (as if).
Julie calls in the jury one by one to decide on the final two. In comes Rachel in a teal striper dress, followed by Kathy in a fuchsia one, then Matt and Brendon in jeans and button-downs, then Ragan in his gas-station attendant's uniform, and finally Britney in a relatively demure sparkly black top with a black stripper skirt. Julie teases them a little about the empty juror's chair and who's about to fill it. Matt, always classy, doesn't care about who wins, since it's not going to be him. Finally Julie calls forth Enzo, and he gets to have a whole other round of applause. Julie brings the rest of the jurors up to speed on Hayden's win and eviction of Enzo, and tells them that they're about to get to ask the questions that they all agreed on earlier. Which must have been a fun discussion.
Julie gets Lane and Hayden on the viewscreen and gives Rachel the floor. She asks Lane why they should vote for him given his dismal performance in competitions. Lane says he played in multiple aspects, and says he won some later, but admits he didn't do too well early on. Solid. Brendon asks Hayden which two non-Brigade members they'd like to see in the final two if it weren't them. Hayden waffles a bit, finally settling on Brendon and Britney and saying they were the strongest competitors. Hayden has clearly already written off Rachel's vote. Matt's question is, "Hey, Lane, had the situation occurred, would you have chosen Britney or a Brigade member to bring to the final two and why?" Busted! Wow, that's actually insightful. Lane tries to weasel out of it by saying it would depend, and Julie nails him down, making him give an answer, in which he says he's a hundred percent loyal to the Brigade. "Not a hundred," Matt points out through a frozen smile. He lets Lane off the hook, though.
Kathy asks Hayden if he played a better social game than Lane, and why. Nothing about integrity? I'm disappointed. Except not at all. Hayden basically says they played it almost exactly the same, then adds unbidden, "What separated me is the competitions." Which of them is the salesman, anyway? Britney asks Lane, "What is your most significant individual contribution to the Brigade? Three big words in a row." Lane gives a lame answer about making them laugh and "watching after them." Lane deserves not only to lose this, but every sale he's ever made. It's Ragan's turn, and he asks Hayden if he regrets anything he said behind any jury member's backs. Hayden doesn't give a specific answer, but admits that they've all done it and it's part of the game. "I didn't bash anybody too bad."
Enzo's question is to Lane: "Were you really gonna take me to the final two if you won that last HoH?" It's All About Enzo to the very end, isn't it? Lane admits that he didn't think he could win either way, "but we'll see." Julie's contribution to al this was to ask them both if they're saying they were good guys, and they both agree. Although Lane insists he was a great guy. Too little too late, though.
Final pleas. Hayden gets to go first. He tells them the winner should be the person who played best, and points out that he won five competitions, including the last three HoH competitions. He gets a little snotty with Rachel about her claim earlier this season that nobody ever won three HoHs in a row (so if he hadn't written off her vote, he should do it now), and adds that he won the Veto that brought the Brigade to the final three. Basically, he rambles, he deserves to win, was a genuine guy, and treated people with respect even with his secret alliance. He limps to a finish, insisting he's the best player.
Lane's turn. It's going to be a job doing worse than that, but I think he's up to it. He tells them he had a blast, congratulates them on making it to the jury, and says he never thought he'd make it this far. He repeats his claim that the played every aspect of the game, even if he didn't won the most competitions ("two, not one," he reminds Hayden, counting part two of the HoH -- which he can do, if Hayden gets to count his last two as separate competitions.)
Time for the voting to begin. Rachel is the first to approach the key box, and manages to say she's voting for the best social player without letting out her annoying laugh. Returning to her seat, she forgets her key pouch in the box and Julie has to call her back to retrieve it. Kathy says something to the final two about missing socks when she votes. Matt tells them that kicking him out was the best move they made, and he's voting accordingly. Julie has to remind him to turn his cheap-ass cardboard key to "lock" his vote in, like someone in the audience is going to sneak up and switch it. Brendon of course agrees with Rachel, except he doesn't forget his key pouch. Ragan tells them that one of them was there to win a half million, and one of them was there to give it away, which telegraphs his vote in advance. Lane visibly thinks, Oh, shit. Britney just gives them both love, and finally Enzo and says he's choosing between "who needs a haircut and who needs a shave." Third big round of applause for Enzo, who is already spending that $25,000 in his head. That's it for the voting, but don't think we're about to see the results any time soon.
One of the commercials we've been seeing a lot of this summer reminds me: Netflix The Dish some time if you get a chance. You'll see why.
Julie's about to bring out the first four evicted houseguests: Annie, Monet, Andrew, and Kristen. We're reminded that Annie was the original saboteur, that Monet was a big crybaby who called Rachel "a skanky-ass bimbo stripper" and then said she never said one bad thing about to her. And then there was Andrew with his hot dog costume and his kosher diet, and Kristen and her hippie-tard, and her fight with Rachel, before which she was always either off-camera or underneath Hayden. That clip package gave them plenty of time to get positioned on the far side of the stage. I will not comment on their outfits except to say that Andrew is not wearing a short skirt. Julie asks Rachel for her reaction to Monet's comments. "I don't think I'm skanky," Rachel says, wounded enough to not even laugh that hard. She makes her excuses to Monet and hopes there are no hard feelings. Julie gives Monet a chance to take her remarks back, which Monet pretty much doesn't. Excellent.
On to Kristen, and a whole montage of her showmance with Hayden that she denied in the house. Everyone on the jury, as well as Lane, is totally blown away. Julie asks Kristen about her boyfriend back home, and she confirms that they have broken up (shocker) and she's open to whatever with Hayden. Julie puts Hayden on the spot, and he says they'll go out for pizza. Whoa, check out the big spender, with the either $55,000 or $505,000 he's coming out with tonight.
Julie asks Andrew what the most shocking thing he saw in the season, and as a joke he starts talking quickly before mentioning Enzo's alliance and Rachel's hair extensions. Andrew mentions Matt's lie, and adds that he's a podiatrist ("which is a foot doctor, Enzo,") and corrects Matt's pronunciation of the disease he claimed his wife had. Julie reminds everyone that this is the first Enzo, Hayden, and Lane have heard of it. Julie asks for Enzo's reaction, but he's more interested in accusing Matt of being the second saboteur. Hayden says, "He played me like a fiddle," and says he's a little mad about it. "You're an actor, dude. Nice work." Lane says, "Make up a lie about your dog, you know, don't make up a lie about your wife." Applause for that line. Julie gives Matt one last chance to express any remorse. Matt says not strategically, whatever that means, and claims the lie was in place before he had made friends with everyone. "And thank you for the correct pronunciation if I ever need to do this again," he tells Andrew. Ha!
Back from some ads, Julie asks Annie for her take on the Brigade. She says Enzo should still be inside the house, the Brigade "manipulated every single vote," and "Enzo manipulated every single one of you so well you didn't even realize you were being manipulated." Which is overstating the case just a scoche. She says it's about numbers, and "if the girls had stuck together with Ragan, we could have had the same thing." Making Ragan on honorary girl, I guess.
Julie reminds Britney that Lane has sad two different things about whether he would have brought Britney to the final two. Britney is all about watching the clip until she sees herself crying after the Brigade broke the news to her. There's a whole montage of Lane talking about wanting to brig Britney to the final two, and that makes her feel better, probably because the editors left out the part where Lane kept saying that Britney was the only person he could beat in the final two. Enzo says that's why he had to won that PoV. "He was in deep," he says, comparing Lane to Donnie Brasco. Julie asks Lane why he didn't tell them that earlier, and he says to save his own "back." Even with all the votes locked in, he looks awkward about it. Still nobody jumps up to try to change theirs. Not even Matt.
Julie turns to Brendon and Rachel, getting their self-appointed couple name wrong, and asks what's for them. Brendon says he's going back to UCLA and wants Rachel to follow him and "pursue academics." Rachel says she loves Brendon even more than Vegas, while Britney, in the row ahead of them, mouths, "I'm disgusted." Julie calls her out, and says she always said it would be a mistake for Rachel to leave Vegas. "But not for Brendon." "Uh..." Britney says eloquently. Ragan just diplomatically says, "I think that Rachel will make a beautiful bride."
Now back to Annie. Julie reminds her of her first claim as saboteur that two people in the house were lifelong friends, and asks her to set the record straight. "Me and Rachel were lifelong friends," Annie deadpans, cracking everyone up, before admitting that nobody knew each other. AS FAR AS SHE KNOWS! No, really not. Julie then brings up the second saboteur. She asks Britney who was sure it was Rachel, then Kathy, then Matt, which is what she's going with. Julie tells them that the second saboteur was chosen by America's Vote and earned $20,000 for his or her trouble. Enzo is still certain it was either Kathy or Matt. Lane thinks it was Kathy, Matt, or Enzo. Matt guesses, "Me?" Julie asks the second saboteur to stand up, and Ragan looks around before sliding off his stool. Uniform shock among the jurors.
Montage of Ragan's sabotage "rampage," with the houseguests watching in amazement. Julie gives Ragan a moment to say something in his defense, and he comes up with "Ha, suckers, I got twenty thousand dollars!" And what can they do but clap?
Julie then tells them about the vote for America's favorite houseguest, who will win $25,000. But first, the winner. Except after some ads. So that's not first at all, is it?
Finally, Julie's positioned in front of the key box, preparing to pull the votes. Rachel's vote went to Lane. Kathy voted for Hayden. So did Matt. Brendon also voted for Lane, which means it's a tie, and that's when Julie realizes she's putting the keys in the wrong boxes. Awesome. She switches them back while the audience whoops at her little software glitch. Ragan voted for Hayden, and Britney voted for Lane (neither of which is a surprise), so if Enzo doesn't get to win it, he got to at least cast the deciding vote... for Hayden.
Hayden hugs Lane, and they both have to be told to come out several times before they let go of each other and exit the house. Otherwise they'd probably still be doing it in every bed in the place. Finally Hayden steps out into the studio. Up come the audience members, off go the confetti grenades, and Lane comes out to join the chaos. Then there's a plug to join the season. Which, maybe a lengthy montage of this seasons' crop of idiots isn't the best way to convince people to want to hang out with more of them. And then Julie announces that America's favorite houseguest is Britney. I know everyone thought it would be Enzo, but I maintain that he's a lot more polarizing and also has the disadvantage of not looking like Betty from Archie comics. While Rachel stares hate-daggers at her, Britney accepts the prize with the joy of a person who doesn't yet know that her house burned down last night (for real). It's going to be a good news-bad news kind of evening for her, I'm thinking.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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