By M. Giant
We catch up to the reaction of the final three -- Hayden, Lane, and Enzo -- after Lane won part two of the three-part final HoH competition. Hayden won the first part and Lane won the second part, which you might know because you remember, while you know that Enzo lost both parts even if you don't remember. Enzo DRs about how he "don't control nothin' no more," but is still hoping someone will take him to the final two, while Hayden is confident that Lane will take him to the final two if he wins their final showdown. And if Hayden wins he'll probably take himself. Sounds like a solid strategy.
Time for the fancy banquet and champagne toast that always kicks off the annual clip show. They marvel at their own greatness in making it to the final three with their alliance nearly intact. Flashback to Day 2, when Enzo formed the Brigade. I already weecapped it once and I'm not going to do it again. The good news is that I'll be able to finish this weecap in record time.
And then there's a flashback to Day 1, when the lights went out and the original saboteur (and stupid Andrew) struck. Then the final three talk about the other alliance, the "super-couple" Brendon and Rachel, which (as we're reminded by a flashback to Day 3) kicked off when Brendon started talking to Rachel about what a big science geek he was. Then there's a whole montage of Rachel's enraging laugh, which everyone mocks in the Diary Room in turn.
Dinner conversation turns to Hayden's showmance, namely his secret one with Kristen, which of course Andrew spectacularly outed right before he was evicted. Which, after the subsequent HoH competition, led to that big blow-out between Rachel and Kristen. Which, even the second time around is dramatic enough to trigger a commercial break.
Back in the present day, the final three regard the memory wall and its expanse of monochrome. Enzo remarks that the only one missing is the target="_blank">Zingbot, and they imagine his photo in place of the Big Brother logo in the middle (with a little help from the editors). They speculate on what it would have been like had the Zingbot been in the house all season. Enzo thinks it would have gotten itself punched, but Lane deadpans, "I think it would have been romantically aligned with Kathy."
Replay of Zingbot's reign of lame putdowns on Day 43, which it always followed with the word "Zing!" We get to hear a few of the zingers we missed before, like comparing Hayden's hair to Justin Bieber's, and emitting a siren noise before telling Kathy to pull over for doing 40 in a 25 zone (a crack about her age that she has to have explained to her, because she's old and slow). It brings up Britney's engagement and offers congratulations "to you and your brother," and tells Brendon, "I thought I was made of a lot of silicone until I met your girlfriend." He also asks Matt to say hi to the other Hobbits when he gets back to Middle-Earth, and says that although one of them will win half a million dollars, they're all big losers. Zzzzing!
Back in real time, the Brigade congratulates themselves on their side alliances. They start with Hayden's, whose secret girlfriend Kristen ate a live spider in the kitchen for no reason. Never saw that before, even though Matt DRs that it was the most awesome thing ever. Then they bring up Lane's side alliance with Britney, upon whom Lane denies having had a crush. Cut to the same montage of Lane and Britney bickering and wrestling that they played on the whichever eviction night it was when we met Lane's and Britney's respective families back home. The guys talk about how Britney could be "fiery," and Lane agrees that she was four feet tall when she was nice and six feet when she was mean. Replay of her fight with Brendon, which she wasn't even part of until she jumped into his throwdown with Ragan. Just as shocking the second time around, which is to say not terribly.
Now it's time for the of course totally unscripted and not-at-all-staged nostalgia tour of the house, which begins in the HoH room. Lane pretends to think that everyone in the Brigade got to stay in here, then pretends to remember that Enzo didn't, so much. Enzo claims to have been the guy behind the guy. They recall Pandora's Box, and how it led to Matt's non-eviction on Day 48, which we get to see again. Lane is bitter about Matt getting the biggest power in the game from Pandora's Box, where as when Lane himself got it, he not only won a piddling $91.17 but also inflicted the dancing punishment on the house. The worst punishment, of course, being Hayden's dancing. But tonight, they agree that the worst Pandora's Box was the return of Rachel, which wasn't so much a grenade as an atomic bomb. So there's a whole replay of Rachel's fight with Ragan. The one not in the jury house, that is.
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Apparently, Lane got to the final three without ever understanding the whole phenomenon of "that's what she said," because he's so literal-minded that he keeps asking who "she" is and why "she" would say "that." Up to the point where it looked like they were down to the final five and he asked a kitchen full of people, "Why is this so stiff and small?" Long silence, while they wait for him to get it. "She has said that," Lane says. One thing we can say about Lane's learning curve: it's straight, but it's long. Okay, all together now...
Then they talk about saboteurs. They know Annie was the first one, but they still don't know who the second one was. Lane and Hayden both thought it was Enzo, who doesn't deny it, but of course it was Ragan. Replay of Ragan's sneaky non-rampage through the house, which culminated in a note reading "I know your secret" tucked under Enzo's pillow. Which led to widespread suspicion of Kathy as the saboteur, which just happened to be Kathy's last week in the house.
Then the guys talk about people getting on each other's nerves, which cuts to a fight between Rachel and Brendon we never saw before. And this was a fight about how much Rachel loves Vegas and how Brendon's not Vegas. "Brendon, I am Vegas," she soap-operas, and leaves him standing in the HoH rom. Just because it was stupid and overdramatic doesn't make it interesting.
Reminder of America's Vote for the favorite houseguest, who will win $25,000 just for being popular. I'm voting for all of them, which is to say none of them.
Now the final three are in the living room, and Enzo is still congratulating the Brigade for being the best alliance ever. Lane adds that nobody knew about the Brigade until they wanted them to. Of course, Kristen and Ragan did, but that wouldn't make a good segue into a replay of the scene where Lane and Enzo dropped the Brigade grenade on Britney just last week and Britney had a slo-mo meltdown. Seen it. Weecapped it. Currently fast-forwarding it.
Lane now gives Britney her props in absentia, but sucks up, "she just wasn't good enough to take the Brigade out." They all have one last three-way, thumbs-up fist bump and say something about the best man winning. Except the best man is never in this house, is he?
Final DRs: Enzo says that maybe his being a "dodo" and not winning anything could be a good strategy. Is he saying he meant to do that? He's planning to make a case that nobody on the jury would vote for him. Lane says he's been waiting for this all season, and says he's there to take the whole game. Hayden says it's now him versus Lane, and if he wins, he's got a good shot at the half-million. "I'm excited but I'm nervous." The announcer reminds us that we get a two-hour finale in Wednesday. That phrase, "two-hour finale," is such a dichotomy of good and bad. It's like "poison blowjob."
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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