Wearing an otherwise nice black dress from whose belly, for some reason, is erupting the grille of a '59 Plymouth, Julie credits the Brigade with orchestrating "every eviction of the summer," but now it's "every man for himself." And with Britney gone, that's not even inaccurate.
So now we're down to Enzo, Lane, and Hayden, and they're all sitting in the living room now, so I guess the first part of the swing-hanging, wall-bashing HoH competition we left them in the middle of last night is over. But who won? Who cares? Could they just tell us?
Okay, we're getting a replay of last night's beginning anyway. All three of them are motivated to win HoH -- Hayden because "the Brigade is dead," and Enzo and Lane because neither of them trusts anyone else to bring them to the final two. Which are solid reasons. More solid than those walls they keep getting slammed into, even.
Flashback to Britney's eviction, and Lane is sad enough about it that she's been promoted to a "family member," rather than a good dog. Enzo is thrilled about the triumph of the Brigade, because Enzo is thrilled about every triumph of the Brigade, whether it's actually a triumph or just something that happened.
Back to the competition, which is now eight minutes in, and Enzo claims to be having fun, at least at first. He promises Lane and Hayden, "I'm taking one of youse to the final two." Don't get too far out on that limb there. Then the waterfall starts, not only making them cold and uncomfortable but also making the ropes slippery and numbing their legs and their testicles numb. Finally -- if one can use the word "finally" in this context -- Enzo falls off when he hits the wall, after only 19 minutes and 14 seconds. The streak stays unbroken!
Now it's down to Lane and Hayden, neither of whom trusts the other, which means this is going to be straight-up endurance without a lot of bargaining. Which is how I like it. There's nothing worse than watching someone jump off one of these things voluntarily when there's only two people left. Meanwhile, Enzo is inside, taking advantage of the empty house to cook up a storm in the kitchen.
Hayden and Lane are still in it an hour later when Enzo comes outside to enjoy his hot meal so they can watch from their miserable, cold, wet swings. "If I could move my lower half right now, I would crawl to you and slap you," Lane threatens in the DR.
It's still going on two hours later, and after two hours and 35 minutes, Lane finally slips off and falls. That's a part-one win for Hayden, but he's even happier to be able to get off the rope. And it's cause for worry for both Lane and Enzo.
Time to visit the jury house. They're sitting around doing arts & crafts or some stupid thing, with Matt looking even dumber than usual in his Jolly Roger PJs and wishful-thinking that Hayden will be showing up . Kathy interviews that it's been quiet, and she's been avoiding Matt because she's still not over his lie about his wife being sick. If anything, she's even madder. Rachel and Brendon are expecting to see Ragan, but Matt hopes otherwise, not only because he wants Ragan to win, but because he doesn't want to have to confess to him.
Of course, we already know that it's going to be Ragan, who presents himself and says to Matt, "Another showmance in the jury house!" Ragan hugs everyone, even Rachel, who interviews that she thinks he's a bully. Which is rich. He plays them the highlight DVD of his last week, which just shows his loss in the PoV competition and subsequent exit. Ragan's pretty raw watching it, and that's when Matt invites him outside for a little talk. Kathy advises Ragan to take his drink with him. The rest of them spy through the windows as Matt informs Ragan, "My beautiful wife could not be happier and healthier. Sorry...?" Ragan mirrors Matt's awkward grin at first, but then says he has nothing to say. "I just feel like a boundary was crossed," Ragan interviews. Matt leaves Ragan to his (betrayed, murderous) thoughts on the patio.
After the revelation, Matt gets to listen to them talk to Ragan about their reactions when they found out. Like how Brendon was so offended because he's going to go into the medical field, and please shut up, Brendon. Ragan prepares to reveal his own lie, and after some jokes about him really being straight (as if), he admits that he has a Ph.D. in communications. Rachel quickly makes this all about her, asking if Ragan's saying she has a bad social game. Ragan's like, "derr," and says that her emotionality made her a bad player -- an emotionality Ragan admits that he shares. She starts dredging up old shit, and Ragan just cuts that off by telling her that there weren't any arguments in the house since she left, which supports his claim that she was the source of all the drama in the house. She wants to argue it, but he isn't down with that: "We don't share a common reality," he states, which pretty much nails it. I think the only one who shares a common reality with Rachel is Brendon, and even that's debatable. Rachel continues to resist the idea that she started all the fights in the house, and to prove it, she's starting a fight with Ragan right now. "Go grab your tiara and be a fucking queen, I'm over you right now," Rachel says, storming out. "Welcome to the jury house, huh?" Brendon says mildly, not bothering to follow her. Welcome to the rest of your life, Brendon.
Back from the ads, Julie says it's time to start HoH Part Two, the HoHening. Lane is alone in the backyard with big curtained photos behind him. Julie informs him that each curtain hides a photo of two houseguests whose faces have been digitally melded and then distorted, Frankenstein-like, complete with big square foreheads. And dude, they're pretty hideous. Lane will have to try to identify both faces in each of the five photos in two minutes. If he and Enzo both succeed, the tie will be broken by which of them did it faster. Julie tells him to go, and he spends his first ten seconds ripping down the curtains. He spends the minute or so arranging name plaques under the photos, and hits the bell, stopping the clock at 1:13. Julie dismisses him from the backyard, then tells us he got them all correct. Will Enzo win this competition? Well, there may be a first time for everything, but Enzo's already had his first time. Nobody says there's a second time for everything.
Coming back, Julie tells Enzo the rules on camera, because we normally get every game explained twice anyway, even though the second time usually comes from a houseguest in the DR. This way we get to hear it in the exact same words.
Enzo's strategy is different from Lane's; he removes the curtains one at a time and lets himself be stumped (or at least half-stumped) on most of them at first glance. With only six of the ten names in place, he totally freezes, and Lane's time goes right on by. In fact, Enzo doesn't hit the button until he's burned a minute and 43 seconds. Julie sends him inside to wait for the results, and tells us that he also got them all right, which makes it a tie. Wait, what? "We'll determine the winner when we return." It's going to take them a whole commercial break to read the clocks and compare the two times?
We come back to find Julie standing on the correct side of the viewscreen as she gets ready to give Lane and Enzo the results. She tells them they both got them all correct, and takes longer telling them their times then Enzo spent playing, but finally Lane is named the winner of round two. Enzo's perfect streak of losing HoH competitions is complete. Julie asks them both how they feel, and Enzo admits that "it sucks," but "it is what it is." Julie says she'll see them Wednesday for the finale. I just love that word on this show. "Finale." What's week? The finale. Finally.
Let's say it again: after a clip show on Sunday, the two-hour finale airs on Wednesday. Let's get this over with already. Oh wait, more eavesdropping! Enzo and Lane rehash the competition over the memory wall. Thanks for the eavesdropping, Julie. That was very enlightening.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.