In the middle of a flashback replay of Andrew's exit speech outing Kristen and Hayden's no-longer-secret showmance, Kristen Diary Rooms that this was the worst thing she could imagine. "We were so careful... it came out today, and it came out hard." The editors throw in a sound effect that's the closest possible non-verbal equivalent of "that's what she said." Hayden complains in the DR about Andrew ruining his whole game, and we see Hayden -- sitting to Andrew during Thursday's live show -- why he would lie about that. Andrew, finished blowing up, calmly sticks to his guns. His stupid, short-sighted guns. Britney DRs that a whole argument blew up while everyone was going in for the voting, and indeed, we see that Kristen also accused Andrew of lying. But it's clear that a lot of the other houseguests were starting to give Andrew's accusations some consideration.
Post-eviction, fellow ex-nominee Kathy thanks Andrew for keeping her around for another week, while Brendon DRs that Andrew was his "third wheel" and it's now him and Rachel against the rest of the house. I'd call him a study in ambivalence if he seemed to feel anything about it at all.
After Andrew exits, leaving ten people still in the house, Matt jokingly calls Hayden a "hussy" and asks who else he's been with. "Me and Enzo cuddled," Hayden jokes back. As we'll later learn, he's kidding on the square.
So then Rachel won the HoH competition, and immediately started talking shit: "Floaters, you better grab a life vest. Kristen." I'm not sure Rachel is clear on the meaning of the word "floater," and if she is, why they're a higher priority than people who are actively coming after her. She jumps on Andrew's bandwagon and claims that she also heard Kristen and Hayden making out. The argument spills over on Brendon and Hayden, and Ragan laughs because he's been waiting a month for people to start fighting. I hear that. Lane is also enjoying the show. Kristen is accused of wanting to nominate Brendon and Rachel, and there's a clip of a moment three days -- although it's the first we've seen of it -- where Kristen told Rachel she didn't know what she would do. Which we already know that Rachel invariably interprets as yes, and of course she took that back to Brendon. Britney remarks in the DR about the irony of watching them go after each other in a fake boxing ring. Enzo mentally orders up some gloves, mud and Jell-O. Rachel thanks Kristen for helping her decide who to get out this week, as we saw at the end of Thursday's episode, and Kristen DRs that Rachel's been jealous of her since day one. Probably because of all the screen time Kristen gets. Brendon comforts Rachel, but Kathy mortally offends her by hugging Kristen and Hayden. Oooooh.
After the ads, the argument is continuing, with Rachel still insisting Kristen specifically said she'd put them up and Kristen angrily calling that a lie. In Rachel's defense, I don't think it's so much of a lie per se as a manifestation of a perfectly reasonable statement filtered through the brackish swamp of Rachel's various psychoses, victimhoods, and persecution complexes. Wait, is "defense" the right word? Matt and Ragan are hiding out in the Have-Not Dump, Matt happy to be getting no attention whatsoever.
Brendon and Rachel have their typical post-competition celebration, where she jumps on him and wraps her legs around him. Rachel promises to be the biggest bitch in Big Brother history. That's a pretty lofty goal. He tries lamely to talk her down, but she's not hearing that right now. Nor will she later.
Enzo, Matt, and Lane are discussing the always-poor fortunes of the Brigade, but they see one upside: at least now Hayden's going to be able to focus on them after Kristen leaves this week, which they see as a foregone conclusion. Enzo also remarks that Kristen doesn't seem to be aware of the secret Brigade alliance, or she would have spilled it during her blowout with Rachel. Enzo DRs that Kristen needs to go so "the Brigade can start running things again." Again?
Hayden asks Rachel for a one-on-one, and apologizes for anything he might have said in the heat of the moment. Rachel lets him off the hook, but Hayden keeps pushing, insisting she didn't hear them making out last night, because they didn't. Well, not last night, maybe. Rachel is not convinced either way.
Hayden's apology is to Kristen, for how he "reeled you in." Heh. Rachel comes in and offers Kristen a similar apology to the one Hayden gave her, which Kristen totally spurns. "Wrong move, beeyotch," Rachel DRs, and in his own DR, Hayden agrees with Rachel for once: "You're gonna screw us both!" Which may be the one thing they haven't tried yet.
Enzo and Lane approach Hayden, and he denies everything. Enzo's totally Tony Soprano about it, saying he's fine with whatever happens on the side as long as it doesn't interfere with the Brigade. And Hayden is totally Christopher about it: "If she's gotta go, she's gotta go." I suspect Matt is going to have to be the Silvio in this scenario.
Rachel announces her HoH room tour, which Kristen pointedly boycotts. Rachel is of course the mature and bigger person absnort HA HA HA! I almost got through that with a straight face. Enzo DRs about having to suck up, but does it better than anyone else. Even Hayden and Britney, who both DR after the fact about wanting to kill themselves.
Kathy approaches Kristen to say it's probably going to be the two of them up for eviction this week, but Kristen insists. "I'm not going anywhere." Even if she gets voted out? It might be interesting to see Big Brother security have to actually enter the house to pry Kristen's fingernails out of the door frame.
Rachel, all dressed up in a cop outfit, blows out nearly every microphone on the house calling everyone to the living room. They sit down, and the big screen suddenly shows a recording of Will Ferrell and Mark Walhberg on the screen, addressing the houseguests. "Stop screaming, okay? Just shut up!" Ferrell says, as though he can hear them. This is a luxury competition to see their cop comedy The Other Guys, which I was thinking about seeing before this, but nothing that Big Brother houseguests ever get to see is any good.
Ever see Be Kind Rewind? Because for this competition, the backyard is decorated like someone is making a "sweded" version of The Other Guys. It's like a taste of home for deputy sheriff Kathy. They non-HoH houseguests are in three teams of three for an obstacle course that they'll run while carrying a fake police car. Lane basically drags Matt and Britney through the course. Ragan leads Kristen and Kathy methodically through while a slow waltz plays. Ragan compares having Kathy on your team to being in Weekend at Bernie's, which cracks me up. Then it's Hayden, Enzo, and Brendon, crashing through like a herd of bulls. They end up in a pile, giggling and hugging and covered in suds. For waaay too long.
The first team came in at 52 seconds, while the second team actually earns a "wah wah wah" with its time of two minutes, 18 seconds. And Enzo, Hayden, and Brendon came in at 47 seconds, so that's a win for the green team, and Rachel gets to watch it with them as HoH. Brendon is already looking forward to making out with Rachel at the movies. I'm sure Enzo and Hayden are looking forward to sitting through that, too.
Britney and Rachel soak in the HoH tub, trash-talking Kristen. Rachel's theme is how she hates people who don't even try playing the game (which is her rationale for hating Kristen at this particular moment), and Britney's just in there to cover her ass for week. Fortunately, she has a rich history of being catty with Monet to draw on. As for the editors, I'm sure they would argue that this scene is central to the week's strategy and gameplay and has nothing to do with the fact that it happens to feature two women in bikinis in a bubble bath.
Kathy comes to visit Rachel and Brendon in the HoH room to do herself a little damage, which she does. Oh, wait, she was doing damage control. Or at least that's what she meant to do. I think she actually succeeded in that first thing, though.
In the storage room, Hayden tries to talk Kristen into talking to Rachel, but she doesn't want to be like everyone else and suck up. "Didn't you come here to win?" Hayden wonders. Like that's going to happen either way. He tells her he'll kill himself if she goes home this week, which is pretty different from what he told the Brigade. So up to the HoH room goes Kristen. But not to apologize, but to insist that she was never "gunning after" them. Rachel is still insisting that Kristen told her she would nominate them, and Kristen is still denying it. This looks like it's going to escalate into a whole new argument, but Rachel admits that she's very emotional. While Kristen describes herself as "rational" and ready to take into consideration anything Rachel does for her. Although she's careful not to state anything explicitly. For all the good being implicit has done her up to this point.
When Brendon finally returns to the HoH room, Rachel says she's not sure what she wants to do. Brendon accuses her of "falling for" the "emotional card." In the DR, Brendon admits that he's pretty frustrated with her. Oh, Brendon, just make her do your bidding like last time. Better yet, make out with whoever you want to go home; after all, getting between Rachel and her man is a hanging offense. Or rather, having Rachel think you're getting between her and her man.
Pre-nominations, Hayden is saying his best-case scenario is for Kristen to go up against Kathy, because then he's safe and can maybe save Kristen. Wouldn't a better case scenario be for Kristen to not go up at all? As for Kristen herself, she DRs that she's 99.9% sure she'll be nominated, and can only hope she's not up against Hayden. Kathy thinks she'll be nominated just for getting some Kristen on her. And while loading the key box, Rachel says she could potentially piss a lot of people off. "This game is so haaaard!" Whatever, Rachel. You're pissing people off just by continuing to draw breath. Might as well go big.
She's still in her cop outfit when she begins the nomination ceremony. The first key drawn this week obviously belongs to Brendon. Hey, have you noticed that they've added a little metallic sound effect every time a key comes out, like a sword is being drawn instead of a cheap scrap of cardboard. Brendon is followed by Britney, Ragan, Lane, Enzo, Matt, and Kathy. So Andrew's work is done; the alternate showmance of Hayden and Kristen is up. Rachel tells them that she fights every day. "And frankly, I haven't seen you two fighting. Furthermore, you're gunning for me and Brendon, so bring it on."
Kristen basically DRs that it's already been broughten. Hayden says he has to do whatever he needs to do for himself. Lane says Hayden "better not mess up this good thing we got going for the Brigade." What good thing is that, exactly? The only benefit I can see the Brigade bringing to any of its members is that they all have a place to either complain or fantasize, depending on their mood. Brendon DRs that Rachel needs to play nice, or people will keep gunning for them. I'm starting to wonder if this showmance is going to last their whole time in the house together. Rachel DRs she needs Kristen to go, and has to win the PoV this week to keep the nominations the same. Don't tell us, Rachel -- is Kristin coming between you and your man?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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