So HoH Rachel has nominated her archenemy-for-the-week Kristen and Kristen's no-longer-very-secret showmantic partner Hayden, ostensibly because they're after her. Hayden Diary Rooms the same thing Britney said two weeks ago, which is that everybody's after Brendon and Rachel. Kristen says that while she mentally called Rachel a bitch (and verbally, here in the DR), she saw it coming. As for Rachel, she DRs that she doesn't know where her little "bring it on" flourish came from, and up the HoH room, Brendon takes her to task for her word choice and wants her to apologize. Rachel shuts down and gets pissed off, but gets up to leave the room. Jeez, don't apologize now!
Downstairs, Hayden and Kristen ruefully discuss the situation, stating that the only way they can survive is if one of them wins PoV and the other is nominated against Kathy. Even that's a pretty optimistic outlook, but it's still early. Rachel comes in and says it's nothing personal and quickly ducks out before they can light into her too badly. I'm sure that'll change how everyone feels about her.
Back in the HoH room, Rachel is complaining to Brendon that she needs him on her team. He admits feeling bad for the nominees, and she asks why he doesn't feel bad for her for having to nominate them. Uh, because she enjoyed it so much? This continues to the point where they're fighting about fighting, and Rachel's threatening the end of the relationship, rolling her eyes even as he says he loves her. That's some cold shit, right there.
Time to draft the PoV players. Hayden and Kristen join Rachel at the front of the room. Rachel picks Britney, who doesn't look thrilled to be drawn into this. Hayden draws Ragan, and Kristen draws Enzo. The consensus seems to be that none of those three players will change the nominations if they win. Not even Enzo, who's confident that his secret ally Hayden will survive a vote against Kristen. And to be honest, I don't know how heartbroken he'd be if Hayden didn't.
It's a pinball wizard-themed competition, although not so much in the Who/Tommy sense as in the Harry Potter sense, with the players (and Brendon, as the host, like Rachel would have picked anyone else) dressed up in wizard robes and hats. Brendon explains that the goal is basically to shoot a giant pinball across a giant table. The ball can either land in a numbered slot, earning the player that number of points for the round; or in the PoV slot, which is referred to as a "perfect shot." Since this all seems totally random and subject to the whims of physics, perfection might be a charitable concept to apply here.
Brendon calls up Britney, who mocks him after the fact in the DR for his over-dramatic delivery: "You're a homo sapien, Brendon. You're not a wizard." Britney scores five points, and Kristen two, followed by Hayden, who gets the ball into the PoV pocket. Rachel matches that, as do Ragan and Enzo, so Kristen is eliminated after the first round. Way to go down fighting, Kristen. She collects a prize, which turns out to be the Power of Veto, but since this is one of those deals where the prizes are white elephant/Yankee swap/Nasty Christmas, meaning people who finish later can trade prizes with people, she knows she's not going to get to hold onto it.
Ragan loses the round, and his prize is a "veto ticket," which guarantees him a chance to play in week's PoV competition. Ragan holds onto it, saying he's playing long-term; "You never know when you're going to need it." Except I don't picture Ragan needing it until September.
Enzo claims the prize, a 3-D flat screen TV, which he's keeping for himself. He must not want the nominations to stay the same that much.
Rachel is eliminated in the round, and her prize is a "second chance" -- only it's not for her, but for someone else who's already been eliminated. Rachel picks Ragan to go back in, because he's one of her biggest allies. Which is sad for Rachel, but at least now she has the veto ticket. And then Ragan is booted out again in the very round anyway. His prize is $5,000, which he doesn't want, seeing as how that will make him a target. He swaps with Rachel, who wants it even less than he does. "There's so much tension in the house that people are not accepting cash!" Lane DRs incredulously. Heh. Kristen DRs that she might get to hold onto the PoV after all, the way this is going. Yeah, keep hope alive, there.
For the last round, it's down to Britney and Hayden. Britney gets a perfect shot, which puts the pressure on Hayden. And also in Rachel, because it's still all about her.
After the ads, Hayden blows the shot. As the winner, Britney's only celebration is a muttered, "Wow." Hayden's prize is the "Hippietard," which I assume is the same unitard that has been showing up as a booby prize for the last several seasons, only bleached and tie-dyed. Hayden nabs the PoV from Kristen, consigning Kristen to the unitard for the week. And Britney opens the final prize: 24 house of solitary confinement. Wow, with these idiots, that might be the sweetest prize of all. Rachel's hoping Britney will take the PoV from Hayden, which she does. Britney is quietly happy about getting to control their fates, while Kristen breaks down and cries in Hayden's arms, saying that she would fight against anyone else, but not Hayden. Which is too bad for her, because fighting seems to be the only thing that ever gets her on our TVs.
Hayden has to go right into The Hole after the competition, which is actually the Have-Not Dump. Which explains why there was no H/H-N competition this week. He's in there with some French bread and slop, and a new chemical toilet in the corner, but everyone else in the room can hear him, since he's merely on the other side of a flimsy wall that doesn't even go all the way to the ceiling. Still, he's worried about missing out on some prime campaigning time.
Kristen has to don the tie-dyed hippietard, which comes with an unfortunate frizzy wig. As always, Big Brother tries to milk as much comedy as possible out of making someone dress up funny. Which never works, until Enzo describes the look as "bootleg Little Orphan Annie." Thank you Enzo, for the only amusing moment of this long sequence.
That night, Kristen and Hayden get all Pyramus and Thisbe through the solitary confinement door, touching their fingers together under the gap. This is the least solitary solitary confinement ever.
It continues after the break, with Hayden talking about how boring this is. I suspect it's almost as boring as watching 24 consecutive hours of Big Brother. Lane and Enzo riff at length about his long absence, expecting him to come out of his ordeal bearded, even shaggier, and with an even more unstable mind.
Rachel counts down the last seconds outside the door, and everyone rushes in. He and Kristin try to play it cool, even though he thinks she looks good in her hippietard for some reason. Love really is blind, or maybe it's just the hair in his eyes.
Rachel, Hayden, Brendon and Enzo watch The Other Guys. "The best movie! I've ever seen!" Rachel claims. The end.
Later, Hayden is privately trying to talk Britney into using the PoV on him. Britney is willing to go along with it, on the following assumptions: Hayden needs to make a deal with Rachel and Brendon, Kathy needs to be the replacement nominee, Kathy will go home, and then Hayden can boot Brendon and Rachel the following week anyway. "If everything goes to plan" [an unstable, ill-considered, Rube Goldberg plan, I'd like to interject] "this is a no-fail situation," she DRs, which is the kind of comment that makes me start picturing her exit Chenterview tomorrow.
Hayden and Kristen go up to the HoH room to propose a double-showmance alliance. The very same alliance, mind you, that Rachel floated to Hayden two weeks ago and which Hayden shot down. Hayden makes the case that they could have each other's backs, but Rachel, without even pausing in coloring her hair, asks what kind of deal he made with Britney to use the PoV. Yeah, Rachel's annoying, no doubt, but she's not a complete moron. She seems skeptical that Hayden will go against his friends, and she predicts that they're proposing Kathy as a replacement nominee. Rachel DRs that this could be game-changing, but can't be sure she can trust them. And since earlier Hayden said that his whole plan would culminate in backstabbing Rachel and Brendon week, she's not wrong.
Still, Hayden jumps the gun and reports back to Britney that the deal's on. They're already looking forward to nominating Rachel and Brendon week. "We're gonna be remembered!" Hayden squeals. Wow, what a lofty and yet pathetic goal all at once.
After the break, Britney is up in the HoH room discussing Rachel's move. Britney assures Rachel that Kristen will still go home, even if Kathy goes up, which is not what she told Hayden. Out of nowhere Rachel brings up nominating Lane, because she's got it in for "floaters" for some reason she can never articulate. As a result, Britney DRs that she needs to rethink this, but phrases it to Rachel as "It's gonna be a decision that you and me make together." Well played, that.
Pre-Veto, Hayden says that if this works, he, Kristen and the brigade are all safe week. "Geniuuus!" he sings out, which on this show is the equivalent of standing on a golf course during a thunderstorm while holding aloft a giant metal flagpole that reads "God Sucks." At the meeting, Hayden is the first to be invited to make his case, and he promises Britney that using the PoV will benefit the both of them. Kristen says she doesn't deserve to be in this position, and feels "thrown under the bus." She throws herself on Britney's mercy instead. Britney makes a way-too-lengthy speech about how this was a hard decision, and finally announces that she's not using the Veto. Rachel covers her mouth in a failed attempt to conceal her glee.
"What just happened?" Hayden DRs. Indeed. You know, I get that Britney doesn't want to go against the couple that's been all but bulletproof, so maybe this week would have been a good time to let Britney in on the secret of the Brigade alliance. Then, knowing that saving Hayden would have also brought her the support of Enzo, Lane and Matt, she could have made a more informed decision. By which I mean laughing in the Brigade's faces. Rachel is relieved, and DRs that the hypothetical alliance isn't such a big loss, because she didn't trust Hayden and Kristen anyway, and now she doesn't have to. And Britney explains in the DR that she couldn't risk having Rachel put up Lane, which right there makes her the Brigade's MVP and she's not even in it. And Kristen is a weepy mess on the DR, saying she'd love to send Rachel packing. Good luck with that. See you in the studio tomorrow, Bootleg Little Orphan Annie.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.