Oh, wow, this show. I can't remember a season that has gone from so horribly boring (athlete domination) to so good (the house turning it upside down) to so boring (this is the final four? Really? Will we remember any of these people when it's time to cast the All Stars? I think not.). Anyway, so, yeah, I have a love-hate relationship with this show, and I'm leaning very much toward hate right now. Maybe something will happen tonight to change my mind.
Previouslies. Goodbye, Jeff. We'll definitely miss (looking at) you. Natalie's HoH, which to her is all vengeance and stuff, but anyone who watches this show knows nothing this week is up to her unless she wins PoV. Veto winner holds the power this week, duh. Maybe Natalie should have watched some Big Brother before deciding to audition. We start out with the blue screen of Kevin's "I'm sorry Jordan... but I'm going to have to vote to evict your friend Jeff." In the diary room, Natalie talks about how happy she is about this, because Jeff evicted Jessie. And this show is obviously all about revenge, always. Not strategy or game play, but forming friendships in one week and then holding grudges for a month. Jordan's teary, and wishes she'd left, because Jeff probably would have won this and she doesn't think she can. She's all alone. Blue screen of Jeff leaving again, then they all watch Jeff's screen turn gray. Kevin says he probably would have kept Jeff if he'd approached him, but he never approached him. Yeah, I don't believe that for a second. Michele says she has the biggest target on her back now, so she has to win HoH.
Blue screen of the HoH competition tiebreaker. Michele was stupid. Jordan was stupider. So Natalie won by being less stupid. Which is not saying she's not stupid. Natalie pretends in the diary room that she's just been pretending she's a weak player. Kevin makes fun of her for her celebrating, since it was basically luck. He's still not buying that she's a strong competitor. Michele DRs that she lost to an 18-year-old, and is pretty sure she'll be the target this week. Jordan's mad, because she wanted to get revenge on Kevin for putting Jeff up. Inside, Natalie -- who's wearing some sort of yellow and green Holly Hobbie shirt -- is telling Kevin how safe he is and how she's with him until the end. Final two, baby! They both want Michele gone now, because they think beating Jordan in the final three would be easy.
Jordan's making it look like they're right, because she's off in the green room crying. She DRs about how she wants to be left alone, and doesn't want to be part of any scheming, because she misses Jeff. In another conversation in the same clothes, Natalie and Kevin decide Jordan's actually pretty good since she almost won HoH. Then Natalie tells Kevin she has to nominate him, so that Jordan and Michele won't think they're aligned. Because they haven't made that obvious over the past four weeks or anything. Kevin hilariously says, "It's been five minutes and 25 seconds and Natalie's already suffering from HoH-itis. The power has gone to her head. Do I have to slap the bizznatch?" Yes, please.
Natalie comes hopping and skipping out in a bikini wondering who wants to see her HoH room. Everyone loves her pictures, including one of her as a kid in glasses that Michele calls "dorkalicious." Jordan can tell Natalie's boyfriend is older (than Natalie says she is). She got a blanket from her boyfriend that smells like him. They congratulate her on being the "and last HoH." That doesn't make sense, does it? She's the current HoH, and there is a final HoH, who brings someone to the final two.
Natalie's carrying out her plan to convince the girls that she's not with Kevin by telling them she's putting Kevin up. Jordan: "Shut up." Natalie says he's her friend, so she's not going to sit here and talk about him, but he's going on the block. She says he's a strong, fierce competitor and will win the game. Even Jessie will vote for him now that he got Jeff out. Michele points out she has no friends in the jury house since she voted for Jeff to stay. Natalie says she had a deal with Kevin for final four, and so she's honored that deal to him. In the diary room, Natalie says Jordan and Michele are pretty gullible, but she also credits herself on being good at throwing people off. But, remember, y'all, she's totally not a liar. It's all about her word. She's a good liar who never lies. (Don't blame me; it's her logic, not mine.)
Because the show needs to fill some time, they're having a luxury competition. They pair up in teams of two. All the girls put on bikinis and Kevin's in black shorts and tank top. They pretty quickly see mannequins and figure out it's a clothing competition. A bunch of tables are covered with cloth, which has Kevin totally confused. Natalie explains: They'll all play together to win a shopping spree for new clothes. The rules: Team members will split up into two stores that the yard's been divided into. They have to find five articles of clothing that matches what their teammate finds on the other side of the wall, but they can't see each other's choices, so it's all about communication. Which everyone in this house has been so good at this season. When they think they have a match, they put it on and pose in the store window. They have ten minutes to find the five items, and any time left over is what they get to use in the shopping spree.
Red team (Jordan and Michele) go first: They have to find socks first. Jordan picks a pair of socks that are possibly the hardest to describe, because they are plain gray with a lighter heel and toe. She can't even spit out the color "gray" without an assist from Kevin. Michele is all, "Gray with kitty cats on them?" Jordan: "No." Wow. That's helpful. Maybe Michele should describe and Jordan should find the match? Just a thought. Kevin doesn't like how long they're taking. They settle on striped socks with hearts and anchors. They put them on, and it's a match. Natalie and Kevin start, and Kevin admits it was a challenge because Natalie knows two articles of clothing: basketball shorts and sweaters. Okay, so sometimes I love that he's a stereotype. They find ladybug socks. Kevin loves the posing part. Natalie and Michele find yellow shirts. Kevin and Michele find camo T-shirts. Their poses are ridiculous.
For the third item, a scarf, Jordan actually says, "Michele, do you see a scarf that's, like, a rainbow color that looks like something Kevin would wear?" I don't even think she realizes that the rainbow flag is a symbol of gay pride, which makes it hilarious that she associates rainbows with Kevin, just naturally. They settle on blue flowers. Michele's sort of a sexy poser. Kevin and Natalie find an orange and black scarf. Natalie poses awkwardly. up: "bottoms." Michele and Jordan settle for yellow leggings. I'm not sure why they want to wear so much yellow, but whatever. Natalie chooses, of course, basketball shorts. Kevin makes fun of it in the diary room. Finally, they find hats. Michelle looks adorable in a little green and white cap. Natalie and Kevin choose a purple fedora, and look ... less than adorable. Okay, Kevin's actually cute, but Natalie looks as stupid as ever.
When they go back inside, it's been turned into a store. They have 3:28 to shop. If you'll remember, shopping in the BB house means putting on as many articles of clothing as you can. Whatever you're wearing when time's up, you get to keep. They start in. Jordan has trouble because of her giant fake boobs. Kevin's willing to body check people, and he even breaks the mannequin to take his pants off. Horror music plays as Kevin massacres the mannequin and takes every article of its clothing, adding a "Give me the scarf, bitch," for good measure. He needs a cigarette after, and can die happy. The mannequin? Not so much.
Kevin approaches Michele in the HoH to see if she might want to pair up with him for final two, because he doesn't see himself winning against Natalie and he doesn't think Michele would either. She just awkwardly says she really wants to make it to the final three. Kevin: "Anything can happen." That scene told me nothing. What was the point? Meanwhile, Natalie's telling Jordan that Kevin and Michele are her targets and she doesn't care which one of them goes. Natalie hasn't lied to Jordan at all, and Jordan thinks that's the most important. Natalie says they only have a shot together. Whatever. Liar.
Natalie enters her HoH room and finds another Pandora's Box room. She reads the same card Kevin read when he was HoH about how it can release something good or bad upon her or upon the rest of the house. The card goes on that, for the first time in history, she'll have the chance to spend time with a loved one inside the house. She sees on the screen that her boyfriend, Jason, is the one waiting for her. She says she'll do anything she has to. She opens the envelope, which says the privilege comes with a price: If she chooses to see Jason, she can't play in the final veto competition. Natalie tells us the situation, which is basically she's safe either way, so screw Kevin: She wants to see Jason. She goes in, and he tells her there's only five minutes. Then he proposes with a fake, twisty ring, telling her the real ring's at home. She keeps saying how cool this is, but her body language is not that of someone who's thrilled to be engaged.
Jason gives her another card that says she can have fifteen more minutes for a sushi dinner with him if she presses a button, but the rest of the house might be a little annoyed. She doesn't care, so she pushes the button. As Kevin and Michele sleep in the backyard, some guy dressed up as a baby comes out of the diary room. He's even wearing a diaper and bib. He cries and chases them around with his giant pacifier, saying "Mommy!" Kevin laughs about it in the diary room, saying he wanted to slap the baby. Meanwhile, Jason tells Natalie her dad misses her, and he asked her dad for her hand in marriage. She's all, "Really?" But doesn't seem to care. I hate this. I don't care about Natalie enough to want to see any of her loved ones. Why did she have to win this? I wanted to see Jordan with her Southern mama or Michele with her nerd husband or Kevin with his partner. Now a little person dressed as a cat is chasing them around. He's a copycat, and does everything they do. Jordan DRs that he was cute because he was little, so she wanted to squeeze him, but he was annoying.
Natalie tells Jason that she's not wearing this ring in the house. He seems to think she should, but she says it would hurt her in the game and she is going to make up something bad that happened instead, because then they'll want her to stay. Meanwhile, a person dressed as a roach is tormenting Kevin, Michele, and Jordan. It sprays them with something, and Jordan's very annoyed. Jason and Natalie kiss goodbye. She tells him he's stuck with her now. He knows. Does he really, though? Is he sure? Because she's pretty annoying. Then the pests leave. Except Natalie gets to stay.
In the HoH room, Natalie's steeling herself for yet another lie. She tells them all she just got screwed royally, because she doesn't get to play in the veto competition for opening Pandora's box. Hey! That's not even a lie. Is this actually Natalie? In the DR, she calls it a "fib." Okay, here's the lie. She says that they showed her a clue on the screen that said "final two reversal," so she went in. She said that they told her that final two reversal means that if she's in the final two and has the votes to win, she actually loses. I CANNOT BELIEVE THESE PEOPLE ARE BUYING THIS SHIT. She stutters that she got "tied, earmuffs, and blindfolded." Kevin thinks she's a liar, and then calls her out on how that rule would mean she cannot win. He calls her a wench in the DR and says something good had to have come out of this, and she got it. He is the one who knows she's a liar already, so good for him for not believing her crazy lies.
In the backyard, everyone but Natalie realizes Natalie's lying, and they think it's something good having to do with final two reversal. Kevin says anyone would be an idiot to take her to final two. Natalie comes out and Kevin asks her to break it down. She plays dumb. Well, she is dumb, but she plays dumber. She asks them to please not ask her anything more about Pandora's box. Kevin asks why, and she says it's just a request she has: "Don't ask me about it." Kevin goes inside, and Natalie follows. Michele and Jordan wish they knew what it was. Kevin goes to the HoH room, and tells her his theory: It's like mystery power over again. He says it's not adding up because she'd be breaking windows if she just lost $500,000.
Natalie DRs that she needs to come clean, but not in a way like she was trying to lie, but just to make it seem like it was all a fun joke. She comes downstairs and says they all got got by an 18-year-old because she just pranked them all. She's like, "You all just believed me, right?" Michele's like, "Uh, no, idiot." Kevin also agrees. She says she got good news, and then she tells the truth. Jordan doesn't believe her now, and Natalie's all, "Where do you think I got this twisty ring from?" Kevin points to the kitchen, "Right over here." She wants them to admit she got them. Michele thinks it's still bizarre world that she decided to prank them after getting proposed to. Natalie says she got herself out of hot water, but no one else looks like she's out. Kevin confirms it in the DR, saying if she'd lie about good news, what wouldn't she lie about? He says he bets she's been lying the entire game, and that her name's not even Natalie. Well... he's getting close. Now we get an America's Vote: Reward your favorite houseguest $25,000 in cash. All the houseguests are there, so it's not just jury members this time. [Do you think Braden will get any votes? - Angel] Winner will be announced at the finale. I would have said Jeff was a lock, but maybe Casey has a chance.
Natalie explains her duty of nominating two houseguests for eviction. This is all filler, even more than usual, because nothing matters but the PoV. But whatever. I'll humor you all by telling you what happens anyway. Natalie looks at the wall. Michele's all, "Who cares? There's no one to choose from." Jordan sort of believes Natalie's lie that she's safe, because Kevin and Michele are her targets, but she also remembers that Jeff told her to stick with Michele and not to believe anything Kevin or Natalie said. So, see? He wouldn't admit it to Julie last episode, but he knew he shouldn't have believed the lie about Russell. Kevin's totally in on Natalie's scheme to put him up, but he doesn't know if she'll follow through because she's a liar. The fact that he knows he's such a liar makes me want him in the jury, because he knows her well enough to not want to vote for her. Natalie's hoping to hide loyalties and allegiances she has with these nominations.
Ceremony. She's wearing a blow-up crown, a bathrobe, and what appear to be sunglasses, but they are really more ski goggle like than is necessary. She's also carrying some sort of staff. She's a king or queen, I guess? Whatever. She looks like more of an idiot than ever. Which is saying something, because... have you seen Natalie? She pulls Jordan's key, and tells Kevin she nominated him because he says this is a game of chance, but she tells him she got him duped and is trying to beat him to the punch and get him out before he gets her out. Then she tells Michele she nominated her "strictly for personal reasons." She feels Michele is a backstabber and a liar. Oh, that's rich. She brings up Michele trying to make a deal with her last week to keep Jeff, and adds that making a deal with Michele is making a deal with the devil. She adjourns the ceremony, and then DRs that she's playing the house like a fiddle, and Michele's really her target. Kevin says he's frustrated with Natalie, for being not only a liar, but she doesn't have Kevin's back at all, since she opted out of the veto competition. Michele rants about how "this devil wins," by saying she'll take Jordan to the final two instead of Natalie, then. She even says, "Ha, ha!" Wow. Did I mention this is the least interesting final four in the history of this show? Well, it is. Thankfully, after PoV, someone will be evicted live on Tuesday, and then the house will be one-quarter more interesting. Meaning that when it's empty it will be 100 percent more interesting than it is now.