Okay, you probably already know about the three big twists this season, so let's just focus on those.
Twist one: Julie is pregnant, and yes, she still dresses like an extra from Ray Bradbury Theater.
Twist two: the cliques. They consist of the Brains (gamer Ronnie, lab tech Michele, and someone named Chima [not a typo]), the Popular people (surfer Braden, bikini model Laura, and blonde Jordan), the Athletes (mixed martial arts fighter "Russell the Love Muscle," miniature Tae Kwon Do champion Natalie, and Jeff, who plays a lot of football), and "Off-Beat" (tattooed effects make-up artist Lydia, flaming graphic designer Kevin, and 40-year-old teacher/DJ Casey).
Twist number three: the thirteenth mystery houseguest. That's actually going to be one of four people -- excuse me, former houseguests -- waiting to enter the house. It'll either be BB10's Brian with the Brains (ha!), BB8's Jessica to join the Popular clique, Cowboy from BB5 for the Off-Beats, or -- curse him -- Jessie the idiot bodybuilder from last season, whom I'd hoped never to see again, let alone as a potential "Athlete." As for determining which of them gets to play the game again, that's decided by the HoH competition, which continues the high-school theme by subjecting the first twelve players to an endurance challenge in the form of an extended wedgie. The Athletes win it, so Jessie's going back into the house. For the season. As the first HoH. I quit.
"The in-crowd, the out crowd," Julie Chen greets us, looking spectacular in a frilly, black, off-the-shoulder hot air balloon. "The rumors and the romance. Playing the Big Brother game is just like returning to high school." And it only took her ten seasons to figure that out. Hence this season's theme, or "twist," as she's calling it. "Whether you're expecting the unexpected or [glance down at the Chenbelly] just expecting, get ready, because another crazy summer is about to begin." Yes, Julie, we know we're crazy to watch this. Don't remind us.
Intro of the house and the cameras and the microphones, and the "12 complete strangers" living in "total confinement." which, if you're reading this, you already know about it. And you already know that the announcer's boast of a "twist that will rock the house" is so much hot air. But the news is that there is apparently a thirteenth mystery houseguest? Can't wait. For now, that is. Later, I will wish I were still waiting.
Julie returns to tell us that everyone's going to be playing in cliques: "athletes," "brains" "popular," and "off-beat." Which is like a whole set of multiple Breakfast Clubs, only without the rebels. I understand they tried to get some, but they couldn't get any to commit to more than eight Saturdays.
Time for one of my least-favorite standard sequences of every season (along with all the others, that is), where we meet the houseguests in unconvincingly-staged key-discovery scenes. The show isn't really going out of its way to keep us guessing as to who's in what clique. Jeff is from Chicago and plays football. Nerdy Ronnie shows off his gaming gear. Jordan's a blonde chick with lots of squealy friends. Natalie wears karate pajamas and warns us not to underestimate her for her small size. There's flamboyant designer Kevin, who wears scarves inside, Chima (pronounced "Sheema"), who claims to have both book smarts and street smarts, surfer dude Braden, and lab geek Michele. The final group of four is mixed martial arts guy Russell, bikini (alleged) babe Laura, Lydia the tattooed lady (just like the song), and token oldster Casey, a teacher/DJ. Montage of all of them speed-packing, in which, among other things, Kevin proclaims that he is "Blackanese," or half-black/half Japanese. Laura says women hate her for the way she looks (which I'm sure is the real reason), and Russell refers to himself as "the love muscle," which is why I hate Russell. Lydia's prepared to hook up with either a guy or a girl to help her game. Edgy! Casey kisses his son goodbye, the day before the kid's first birthday. Ouch. And Jordan is told not to have any "booger," which in her circle means "sex." I wouldn't have any either if everyone called it that. Probably the point.
Now it's time for the houseguests to walk onto the set, which they do. They assemble in the front yard, and Julie greets them by viewscreen and gives her intro speech. The first group of four to enter are Ronnie, Russell, Laura, and Kevin. They're all very excited, running around the newly decorated house. Apparently, Kevin immediately bonds with Ronnie. "I speak geekinese," he explains. I think if I ever met Kevin I would have no choice but to address him in "kickyouinthestomachese."
are Chima, Braden, Natalie, and Casey. Of the experience of entering the house, Braden says, "Words can't explain it." So he makes some up, like "superdelushious" and "superpowlowlishious." He must die.
That leaves Jordan, Jeff, Michele, and Lydia. As the last group to enter, they're the ones who end up in the room decorated like an empty swimming pool, with tile on the walls and air mattresses instead of sheets on the beds. The three beds. Michele and Lydia will double up, because Michele is married and thus can't share a bed with Jeff. Which is not to say she doesn't want to.
Living room, getting to know each other over champagne. Kevin introduces himself first, and Lydia clearly digs him. Russell says in the Diary Room (in other words, he "DRs") that he'll have to "learn to like" Ronnie, which I have to give him credit for. Chima thinks she's hilarious, which bugs Casey. Michele says she "works in a lab," leaving out the part where she has her Ph.D. Natalie claims for some reason to be 18, although she DRs that she's actually 24. Kevin basically calls her out in front of everyone. Laura introduces herself, but Kevin's already got such a love-hate relationship with her giant boobs no one cares about the rest of her. Honestly, I'm not sure Laura does, either. Upon saying he's a surfer, Braden nearly gets drafted into the "Splish-Splash" room by Lydia. He responds by flirting clumsily with her. Jeff's thing is that the girls think he's cute, which is good, because he's not otherwise interesting. Jordan says she's a hair salon employee/server. I'm not going to make the mistake of assuming that means she's a hair stylist until I hear otherwise. Casey tells them about his jobs and his age, which is 40. "Please don't vote the old guy out first," he says. Ask Jerry about that, Casey. Lydia introduces herself as an "effects makeup artist," which means she fakes blood and injuries. I'd wonder if she'll be practicing her skills in the house, but how much more damaged could she make BB houseguests look, after all? Russell says he's in real estate and mixed martial arts. Everyone clinks glasses, before the deadly enmity begins.
Because, as Julie reminds us, they don't yet know about the clique thingy. Again, they'll be split up between "athletes," "brains," popular," and "off-beat." I want to know how many hours of meetings went into the name of that last one. But instead, Julie gets them all on the living-room viewscreen to break the news. The reaction is pretty mixed, with Kevin clearly hating it more than anyone. What, was he not a popular kid? Julie explains the new rules: everyone is still playing and voting and getting evicted individually, but the way the clique thing is going to work is that if you have a clique-mate who's Head of Household, nobody in that clique can be nominated for eviction. The reaction to that bit of news is less mixed and more loud. Julie tells them the names of the cliques, but signs off for now to make us sit through some ads, while making them wait for their clique assignments. And, naturally, to discuss it among themselves
Not that Kevin and Lydia haven't figured out right away that they're "off-beat." The others try to guess where they, and each other, will be. Natalie DRs that she doesn't want to have to explain why she's athletic if her Tae Kwon Do championship lands her in that clique. Yeah, Natalie, maybe the first thing out of your mouth in the house shouldn't have been a lie. Keep it shut until you know what the shot is. Before yet another round of ads, Julie reminds us there's still a 13th houseguest to be introduced, and as she mentioned earlier, it's someone they -- and we -- already know. I think that narrows it down to either 1) former houseguests or 2) people that normal people have heard of. And I think I know which it is. For now, we just see four silhouettes on a screen of three men and a woman. I don't know enough about former houseguests to ID them from their body types yet. Which, and not to spoil anything, should make one of them absolutely crazy.
After the break, all the houseguests are still in the living room, but everyone has changed clothes. The hell? Julie tells them on the viewscreen to head to the back yard to find their names. Except you know when they get out there it's not that simple. The producers have set up a big basketball court with lighting grids labeled with the name of each clique hanging low over them, and toilet seats marked with each houseguest's name hanging from those. For one mad, joyful moment, I dare to hope that they're actually going to have to compete for which clique they get to be in, but of course that's giving this show way too much credit. The athletes are Russell, Jeff, and Natalie, who maintains to her clique-mates that she didn't play any sports in high school at all. Just the Tae Kwon Do. Any TKD practitioners out there who don't consider it a sport? Want to beat up Natalie to prove it? They put on blue "Athlete" t-shirts. The third member of "Off-Beat," along with Lydia and Kevin, is Casey. I'd feel bad for him, but he's kind of outed himself as a dork several times over already. On go their yellow shirts, and we learn more about why Casey ended up there as he DRs about his rap-group-dancer past. The "Popular" clique is comprised of Jordan, Braden, and Laura, all in red. But how can Laura be popular, given how she looks? Ronnie, Michele, and Chima look less than dashing in dark green. Chima wants us to know that yes, she got good grades, but she was also popular. Whatever, lady, get back in your cubbyhole. This is Big Brother. You don't get to be multifaceted.
With everyone suited up and in place, Julie informs them that it's time for the first Head of Household competition. She explains that this competition has a locker room theme. "So please, step into your underwear and grab your toilet seat." The "underwear" is actually more like a canvas lift harness shaped like a giant pair of granny-briefs that they all have to climb into, which raises them up on cables suspended from the lighting grids. The competition is called, natch, "The Wedgie," and the goal is to hold onto the toilet seat as long as you can. After some confusing and vague non-explanation, Julie says the winner of this competition won't be HoH. In fact, none of them will be, and that's when they figure out there's another person coming in. But the grids raise up anyway, lifting the granny-panties up around everyone's waist. Julie teases us with the 13th houseguest again, and throws it to the ads.
When the silhouettes come back, one of them is wearing a cowboy hat, and they're all posing more theatrically. And -- uh-oh -- one of those poses is a muscleman pose. I am suddenly very, very worried. Julie says it's time to find out who they are. No! I don't want to know yet! Don't make me look at it!
Too late. Of course, the guy with the cowboy hat is "Cowboy" from BB5, who reminds us he lost by one vote. The tiny woman is Jessica from BB8, who blames her loss on falling for America's Player. Then there's Brian from BB10, who still thinks he would have won if not for playing "so hard, so fast." The editors make sure to put "Week 1" on the screen in big letters while replaying the footage of his eviction. And then -- undeniably, inexorably, pathetically, and just as I feared -- there's Jessie, also from BB10. He brags some more, being sure to tell us he doesn't think his ego hurt him last season. Oh, and also to point out how much bigger he's gotten in the last year. Physically, he means. I see no signs of emotional growth whatsoever.
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So now we see the four of them waiting outside the house, each of them already assigned to a clique. Brian's in a "Brains" shirt (which is hilarious), Jessica is in "Popular," Jessie in "Athletic," and Cowboy is in "Off-Beat." So how to decide which of them goes in? Whichever of their cliques wins the HoH competition that's about to begin, that person goes in as the new HoH. Can't argue with the simplicity of that. But I do take extreme issue that it seems like Jessie has a better chance than anyone of reentering the house. Urgh.
Back to the viewscreen. Julie tells the HGs about the 13th potential houseguests, and how winning the competition will represent a huge advantage: they get an extra person, plus that person is in their clique, which means they're safe. She doesn't mention that no matter what happens, the clique that wins this will outnumber one other clique by two to one at this time week. There's advantages, and there's sitting on the scale.
So now the lighting grids rise up, and the giant briefs lift them all clear off the basketball court. They still have to hang onto their toilet seats, which seem to be hanging from the same cable as the briefs, so if one goes down, the other goes up. There is lots of complaining, and the first one to let go is Michele. Her elastic briefs catch her before she hits the ground, which is adding injury to insult. Ronnie's down , which leaves Chima up there alone for the brains. She hates her team already.
And now Julie announces that the four waiting houseguests will each get to vote to give a "super-wedgie" to the team of their choice. It's one for Off-Beat (courtesy of Jessie), two for Athletes, and one for Popular (thanks to Brian). Lydia can't withstand the super-wedgie, which basically amounts to shaking to go along with the dangling, and she lets go. Jordan from Popular drops , and then when Kevin falls, Casey is the only "Off-Beater" (his word) left. Then Jeff drops from the Athletes grid, and that's at least one person out from each clique. Julie calls for another round of super-wedgies. All give the Athletes super-wedgies, except for Jessie, who votes for Brains. And that shakes Chima off, and the Brains are done. "First one out twice," someone cracks to Brian as he leaves in defeat. Hee! goes Casey, and with the Off-Beats out of the competition, that's it for Cowboy. Now it's two each from Popular and the Athletes. And time for more ads. And time for me to think about how annoying it's going to be for me to spend a whole season recapping two cliques whose name are nouns and two whose names are adjectives. That's going to be both annoying and irritation.
More hanging. Natalie shows off a little bit. Laura is the to drop, leaving Braden alone up there for the Popular group. Laura claims in the DR to have thrown it so as not to put a target on her back. Why not? It would help balance out the two targets on her front. Braden and Natalie shit-talk each other a bit, but finally Braden drops, losing it for the Popular clique. That means Jessica's out, and Jessie's going back in. As HoH, no less. I want to kill myself.
After the HoH, there's lots of fretting in the house about the oncoming clique war, and Julie starts teasing the HGs about their new housemate. They guess Jessie (although Natalie's hoping for the return of Matty, which tells us everything we need to know about Natalie), and as they head back into the house through the back, so does Jessie, through the front. The door closes behind him, and screams are heard from behind it. They don't come close to drowning out my own. Man, I couldn't stand that guy the first time around, and now I have to deal with him for a minimum of two more weeks. How do I get myself into these things?
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And after flogging the week's worth of crap, we're out, with Jessie crowing loudly at his new housemates behind the credits, as the other cliques look on miserably. I know exactly how they feel.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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