After Julie welcomes us to the live finale, the studio audience gets to its feet, waving placards like this is something people are supposed to get excited about. That launches us into an extended set of Dan-centric previouslies that covers basically the whole season and makes me wonder why we had to follow everything that's happened for the last 71 days. You only need to know two things: Dan and Memphis are the remaining two players, and the editors really love throwing in that little ricochet sound effect every time they do their secret Renegades handshake.
As Julie reminds us that someone will be winning $500,000 tonight, Dan and Memphis slouch in the nominee seats in the living room, both wearing suit jackets and dress shirts. Maybe they were also wearing ties at one point, and their aggressively unbuttoned shirts simply swallowed them.
At the jury house, April, Ollie, Michelle, Keesha, Renny, and Libra take seats in the backyard (arranged by alliance) to await the seventh juror. Keesha hopes it's Memphis, because she's still pissed at him. Ollie still has it in for Dan, but Libra wants Jerry to show up. "To spend one more night with that man?" Renny groans. They're still talking about how hard everyone worked to avoid him when he walks into the yard. His partial deafness seems to have forestalled any awkward moments. "The two evil people are in there," Michelle concludes. Jerry tells them that Dan and Memphis were both playing all of them. Keesha's still pissed, and suddenly everyone's yelling at Jerry for not getting Memphis out when he had the chance. Renny has predictably boarded Keesha's anti-Memphis train (because Keesha's got some kind of buy-one-get-one-free hookup with her when it comes to any kind of rail passage), and Keesha talks about how Dan did such a good job of getting everyone to like him. Michelle, Ollie, and April are still angry about Dan's game play, particularly the whole Replacement Nominee Roulette debacle (or triumph, depending on your point of view). Libra points out that this isn't about friends, and Ollie has to admit that Dan and Memphis have both played the game well.
Michelle still thinks that Dan made a genius move in backdooring her. Yes, Michelle, we know. Your awesomeness is so awesome it reflects additional awesomeness on the person awesome enough to have gotten rid of you. April brings up the trip that Michelle went on with Dan, and this is the first Jerry has heard about it. Dude, Michelle must be pissed that she didn't get to drop that bomb. There were only three people in the world she could tell, and two of them have already been blown. Keesha still maintains that Dan played a better game, and Jerry agrees that Memphis let Dan do the dirty work. Keesha bitterly interjects that she did some of that for Memphis as well, and look where it got her. April thinks that Memphis played a better game by getting this far without ever winning Head of Household, but Renny shoots down April's insane moon logic. Of course Renny's logic is almost as insane and lunar as April's (as usual), which tells you how little sense April is making. All they can seem to agree on is that they're going to have a tough decision to make, and that they're all pretty gullible. Okay, they're half right.
Now it's time for the jury to interrogate the final two. Apparently this happened a few days ago, on the night Jerry arrived. They're still in the jury house backyard as they quiz the Renegades via outdoor viewscreen. Libra asks Dan about his biggest strategic move, and Dan wisely gives the answer that Michelle has been spouting all along. April asks Memphis why she should vote for him, since they had so little interaction. Memphis fumbles that he just tried to be a straight shooter (triggering a murmur of derisive chuckling from the jury), but April lets it drop. Michelle tells Dan she wants to play "Jury House Roulette" with a two-part question. ["For a brief second this almost made me like Michelle. Almost." -- Angel] She starts by asking why Dan picked her to go on the trip with her. "Yeah, Memphis, I went on the trip," she gloats, as Dan pats his incredulous buddy's shoulder. Michelle follows up by bringing up Dan's claim on the trip that backdooring her was actually his alliance's idea and not his own. Can't see how she could have sandbagged him any better there. Dan answers her first question by saying he wanted to make amends to her, and for the second part he risks sacrificing her vote to try and rescue those of his alliance by saying that while it was his idea, he couldn't have done it without his allies. Michelle then turns to Memphis and awkwardly frames two accusations in the form of a question: the first being that he was in an alliance with her (clearly news to Dan) and the second that he threw some HoH competitions. Memphis says that winning HoH's didn't necessarily fit into his plan, and adds that he did trust Michelle but had to take the opportunity to get rid of her when he could.
Ollie wastes his question, asking why Dan swore on his girlfriend when making the deal that Dan ultimately went back on. Dan turns it into a chance to suck up to Ollie, saying he knew he couldn't beat him, and he says he just did what he had to do, "whether it's shameful or not." When it's Renny's turn, she asks Memphis to name one thing he did for her in the game. "Go 'head," she taunts. Memphis flounders, finally coming up with "I gave you myself and... me." Rather than quitting while he's behind, he says he never connived behind her back. Cue the eye-rolling all over again. Memphis really needs to stop trying to make that case. Now it's Keesha's turn to ask Memphis, "my best friend," a question. She wants to know why Memphis picked Jerry over her, and whether he has any remorse. Memphis calls it the hardest move he made in the whole game, but he needed to do it to get where he is today. He throws in a little mourning for their friendship in there as well, for all the good it will do him. Did he forget to check the back of his shirt for tire marks from the bus Dan threw him under or something?
Jerry basically calls Dan a sore winner (which is just glorious, in light of something we'll be seeing a bit later tonight), and asks if he has any respect for any of the jury members. Dan says he does, and apologizes for any of his little celebrations that might have offended Jerry. "I hope you respected me because I respected you, Dan," Jerry says pathetically. Dan simply says, "Thank you." Well, there's your answer, Colonel. Jerry's question to Memphis is whether he would have evicted Dan or Jerry had he won the final HoH. Dan says he wants to hear that answer too, and Memphis dodges the question by saying he wouldn't have known until it got to that point. In fact, he claims that he never planned ahead at all. Unsolicited, Dan adds that maybe Memphis threw the final HoH so he wouldn't have to decide. "Thanks, Dan," Memphis snarks. Seriously, Memphis, those aren't pinstripes on your back.
Finally, Memphis stands to address the jury, thanking them for a great summer and saying he made a business plan, building a strategy around being an asset to other players so they would keep him around. He continues to insist that he was straight with everyone, and if they think he's the best player, then vote for him. And if not, vote for Dan.
Dan's speech begins by talking about his first impressions of everyone, which was that he felt totally intimidated. He says that he did everything for a reason, including making enemies of Michelle and Ollie so that Memphis would feel safe taking him to the final two. "Unbelievable," Michelle mutters, and I have to agree with her there. He finishes with a final suck-up to the jury, and sits down to shake hands with Memphis.
With the monitor off, the jurors yammer some more, and then we're back in the studio as Julie calls them in one by one, in the order in which they were evicted. Renny threatens to slow down the process enough to preempt Without a Trace by shaking the hands of everyone within reach, but eventually Keesha and Jerry make it in there behind her. They take their seats onstage while Julie sends us to commercial over a very noisy crowd.
Back from the ads, the camera picks out Dan's family in the bleachers before Julie gets on the viewscreen and congratulates the final two on making it this far. Julie asks Dan for a one-word reaction to being grilled by the jury, and of course he gives a whole speech before landing on "intense." Memphis compares it to a firing squad, but says it was nice to have a chance to tell some people (Keesha) how he feels about them (her). Julie tells the jury members that now they'll come up to the big voting box on the stage, insert the key of the person they think should win, and make one final statement without saying who they chose. Which, I'm not sure all of them will be able to handle that, but here goes.
Libra is first, and advises, "When everything else fails, just go crazy." Whatever that means. April, who seems to have left her bitchface at home, thanks them for the experiences they shared. Michelle just congratulates them, and Dan calls her the "princess from Providence" in one last-ditch suck-up attempt. We don't see Michelle fumbling with her keys to change her vote. Ollie calls it an unforgettable experience, congratulates them, and wishes them good luck before voting. Renny calls it an easy decision as a businesswoman, and lectures everyone on not taking for granted the little things, babbling on about human spirit and whatnot before yelling, "That is why I'm voting for this person TONIGHT!" She gets a big cheer. I hope that at least some of those people in the audience making so much noise are yelling, "SHUT UP!" Keesha calls them both her little brothers and says she loves them to death before voting. Jerry comes up and says he tried to get rid of them a lot of times, and has a lot of respect for both of them. Jerry says his decision is based on "kindness," which he'll explain later (off the air, that is), and inserts his key. So that's all the votes, but before the results are revealed, Julie's going to bring back the first four evictees to get their take on everything that's happened this season. Supposedly. And the camera points out Memphis's family in the audience. I have also recognized a few other familiar faces in the crowd, like Bunky and Jen and others who would be familiar to someone who has watched every season. Since that does not describe me, I am skipping most of them.
Brian, Steven, Angie, and Jessie sit on bleachers across from the jurors, and Julie starts with Brian. She asks what he wants to say to the jurors about the final two. Blatantly ignoring Julie's question, Brian starts by congratulating the guys and giving them credit for playing without getting personal. Brian takes Ollie to task for his temper tantrum, and Michelle for her nutty attack on Libra after losing the Hawaii trip, and Michelle and April for bagging on Keesha's looks while watching a DVD in the jury house. Essentially he goes on for so long that there isn't time for him to actually answer the question, and indeed all but bumps Angie from the broadcast. The latter of which took me several minutes to notice, mind you.
Julie has noticed Steven nodding, and asks him who surprised him the most. Steven calls out Jerry for calling Dan Judas and for his extravagant assholery after Michelle's HoH win. Julie even has a clip all ready for that. Jerry's response is that Dan's use of religion (Dan just throws up his hands, since the voting's over) forced him to respond in kind, and at least it worked, in the sense that nobody ever brought up religion again after that. Sure, that was Jerry's plan all along.
Julie tells the jurors that there was no plant, and no season-long America's Player, but that Dan was America's Player for a week. There's a montage of Dan's big week as AP, splitscreened with live reactions. Of course it's mostly Michelle saying "I knew it," even when I'd like to see Jessie's reaction to the replay of that extended hug. After seeing Dan's last move as America's Player, namely voting out Jessie, Julie asks Jessie what he wants to say to Dan. "Uh, it would be more so to America," Jessie says. Jessie thanks America, points out that he got to go back into the house in a gorilla suit, and reprises his famous fart noise. Thank you, Jessie, for reminding us of all of your accomplishments.
Julie now breaks the news of the $25,000 prize for America's Vote for favorite juror, but they're not going to find out who won it until after the commercials.
And after revealing the final vote, which begins now. Julie begins pulling the keys. Libra voted for Dan, April voted for Dan, Michelle voted for Dan, and so did Ollie. That right there is a majority of four, so Dan is the winner of Big Brother 10.
He and Memphis hug and walk out the front door, into a rain of confetti and hugs from everyone. Now Julie just has to impose some kind of order on this chaos during a final break before revealing the winner of the jury prize, which should make for a nice little anticlimax..
Back from the ads, Julie reveals that the other three jury votes were also for Dan. Ouch. "Feel the love," Memphis remarks with the good nature of a loser who just got $50,000 richer. Julie tells us that the vote for America's Favorite Juror was close, with Jerry in a close second and Keesha as the big winner. Okay, so I called that wrong. Clearly I overestimated the TV voting habits of Jerry's target demographic. Upon hearing the news, April somehow manages to refrain from eating her own face. Which is a shame, because that would have been a perfect ending to the season.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.