During a replay of the last moments of Jessie's eviction from Thursday, we get to hear what he whispered to Michelle and Memphis: he told them each to stick with the other. Yes, always take the advice of the tenth-place finisher. He certainly knows what he's talking about. Michelle DRs about how when she heard the news she was shocked and enraged, and already regretted the things she hadn't said to Jessie. Things like, "I used to be a guy," I imagine. Keesha is pleased with herself for pulling off her palace coup. And April's DR is typically self-absorbed as she claims that the real target was herself, and Jessie was just collateral damage. Dan DRs that he knew half the house was going to be mad at him no matter how he voted. And it's not like he can tell them he's America's Player, and even if he could, he wanted to vote Jessie out anyway even if America hadn't told him to. Libra throws herself a little celebration in the DR, and Dan talks about how tense it was in the kitchen after the vote; he just concentrated on avoiding everyone's Medusa glares. I'm thinking this would have been a good HoH competition for Dan to try not throwing. Jerry DRs that he's permanently lost all respect for Dan for going back on his word. What do you hear from Brian lately, Jerry? And while April and Ollie and Michelle wander around the house pre-HoH competition and react in their own ways, Libra whispers to Memphis, "We need you." Good time to bring that up.
Flash forward to Thursday's HoH competition, in which we can more clearly hear what Jerry said when Michelle won: "Screw you people!" Grace in victory. He also told Dan not to hide behind his cross. Okay, Dan's not that skinny. Michelle adds that she was the only one who stayed up listening to the messages the night before, and it paid off. April DRs that everyone else is really scared of "us" now, meaning April and Michelle, like they're suddenly an alliance. Of course, April's closest ally is always whomever happens to be HoH. Dan blames himself for giving his word, although he adds that he was careful to take his cross off before the eviction. With a naughty smile to the DR camera, Keesha admits that Michelle is gunning for her because "I sent Jessie packing back to his real girlfriend." Hee.
Dan goes and hides in his room. Michelle's still on a high from her big win and a snootful of righteous fury when suddenly sparks fly between her and Renny, over almost literally nothing. And the thing you know, everyone's screaming at everyone else. The highlight is April accusing Libra of swearing on her kids, which Libra furiously denies. Someone brings up the question of where Dan is, and Jessie's friends make some cracks about Dan is probably burning in Hell right now. Memphis takes offense on Dan's behalf, saying that bringing someone's religion into it is over the line. "Where I come from, people like that get punched in the mouth." Yes, and where you are now, the house is full of people like that. It might also explain why Memphis has such a small mouth; it's an evolutionary advantage.
Memphis goes to have a talk with Dan, and Dan starts collecting on Memphis's debt to him right away, asking him to go back out and tell everyone he's ashamed. Memphis is only too happy to comply. Then he goes back to Michelle and says that he hasn't promised anyone anything, and that he'll always have her back.
Later, Michelle also goes in to Dan for a quiet, private conversation in which she sets the civil tone with her first question: "Are you really a school teacher?" She wants to know why Dan did it. Dan whines that he's a weak player and people came to him and he didn't know what to do. Michelle admits that you have to lie and cheat in the game, which she doesn't blame him for; she's just mad that he didn't do it for her. After she leaves the room with an invitation to talk later, Dan sneaks a smirk at the camera. He should probably quit doing that.
Michelle and Libra are alone in the kitchen when Libra asks if she's going to be allowed to see Michelle's HoH room after what happened. Michelle's mad, but she's not that mad, and she and Libra seem to make up a bit. When it comes time to show off Michelle's HoH room, everyone is indeed there. April in particular is pretending to be almost as excited as Michelle, which Memphis finds nauseating. As do I. Michelle reads her letter from home to everyone, and hearing it seems to be hard on Renny, who leaves early to have herself a cry over how much she misses her own family. One of whom, you'll recall, is named Sparky. Just wanted to remind you all of that. Libra and Keesha seem to follow her out as soon as they can get away, but then don't actually get there. Dan is actually the first to arrive and comfort her, followed shortly by Keesha. They spend a combined total of about thirty seconds with her. All better!
Michelle's up in the HoH with Jerry and April and Ollie, talking shit about Dan and how he's going to burn in Hell. Then they move on to Libra, and it sounds like Michelle's already got her nominations in mind. The camera keeps cutting to Ollie, lying by himself on the HoH bed and looking maybe a little uncomfortable about how over the line this kind of talk is. Not that he's going to do anything about it until someone calls him out, mind you.
Food competition. The living room has been cleared out and turned into a game show set. I mean, more like a game show set. The monitor flashes the text: In the news...Big Brother houseguests return!" Then Brian appears on the monitor from the back yard in a powder-blue tux and ruffled shirt, looking appropriately mortified at both his thirteenth-place finish and the outfit he's rocking. He's going to be the host for a game show in which the houseguests have to guess what news from the outside world is real or not. And out there with Brian are alums from every season of the show: Chicken George from BB1, Bunky from BB2, Amy from BB3, BB4 winner Jun, Jase from BB5, Janelle from BB6, the loathsome Mike Boogie (pit stains and all) from All-Stars, Jen from BB8, and Matt from last season, which I guess means that season took place after all. The two groups of houseguests, current and past, will be competing against each other. But the past players will be playing for cash and the current players are playing for food.
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Dan goes first for the current houseguests, and picks Mike as his opponent. Mike tells Dan about the whole Brett Favre thing, but football coach Dan doesn't believe him, so that's another undeserved grand in Big Brother money for Boogie and slop for the house on Monday. Renny goes , up against Jen. Renny wins them food for Tuesday by refusing to believe that gas is six dollars a gallon. Which is fine for now, but just wait until BB11. Jerry challenges Janelle, acting like a big creepy lech about it. The question Jerry has to confirm or deny is whether Jessie has been offered the cover of Muscle & Fitness magazine. Which is totally a trick question, because even if it were true it wouldn't be in the news. Janelle says Jessie is "not even that cute," but Jerry guesses that it's true and lands the house on slop for Wednesday. "It's been, like, eight hours," carps Dan. Memphis goes and picks Amy, who tells him that China has banned bald and smelly cab drivers during the Olympics. Memphis guesses no, incorrectly, so no grill for them. Ollie picks Matt, although he has to wait for Michelle to quit flirting with him before they can move on to the question. Someone asks about Natalie, and Matt jokes that she's hiding in the bushes, which makes me laugh out loud for the first time in Big Brother history. Ollie declines to believe Matt's claim that the headline "China announces they can prevent rainfall" is true, so he loses the house its food for Thursday. Libra's question from Bunky is whether Cheech and Chong have reunited for a tour, and she blows that one (it's true, much to Renny's excitement), so slop on Friday. Now it's up to Michelle to guess whether the recent earthquake was faked to mess with their heads, and stupid Jase oversells it so Michelle wins the feast. April goes against Chicken George over whether Britney Spears is recording a country album. She buys it and loses, and Chicken George crows, "I finally won something on Big Brother!" Get it? Crows? Also, don't I seem to remember that some college offered his kids free tuition back in the day? That's not exactly "Sorry, try again later." Keesha goes against Jun over whether Paris Hilton told people not to vote for George Bush for a third term, and gets it right (she didn't, at least not publicly). So the final results are a feast, but slop for the whole house for five of the seven days.
Memphis asks for a private HoH moment with Michelle, in which he warns her not to make an alliance with "them." Michelle mildly accuses him of already having done so, but it's not like she's going to nominate him anyway. She's still pissed at Dan, although she claims to have strategic reasons for nominations whomever they may end up being. "You'll do the right thing," Memphis lies.
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"I can't stand that bitch," Renny whispers. "Which one?" Keesha asks. Heh. A surprising number of laughs in this episode. "April," Renny says. Memphis joins them to talk about how fake April is. With that in mind, Renny goes up to visit Michelle and remind her that April was the one to nominate Jessie in the first place, and failed to do anything to keep him safe. Michelle decides that she has a lot to think about now. Well, any thinking is kind of a lot for Michelle.
Nomination day. Memphis DRs that he's been trying to patch things up with Michelle. Renny is hoping that April will be nominated, and says that's what she would do in Michelle's position. Dan DRs that he'd be shocked if he isn't nominated, and Libra says she's Michelle's biggest target. Michelle says that she's nominating people who have been in the house too long, so she's going to "blow up their game plans."
At the nomination ceremony, April is the first one who's safe. Nice work, Renny. Then it's Memphis, Ollie, Jerry, Renny, and Dan, leaving Keesha and Libra as the nominees. Didn't see that coming. Michelle forgoes the chance to make a big dramatic speech, quietly claiming that it's strategic and not personal as she adjourns the nomination ceremony.
Dan DRs that his strategy is continuing to work. Jerry coldly says that Dan will always be known as Judas, which is big talk for someone who just had to watch Brian on a monitor for like an hour. Keesha isn't ready to leave the house, and Libra says she sensed weakness in Michelle's nomination speech. "It was her moment," she says. "Tomorrow's mine." So I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I mean, Tuesday. And I mean, not.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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