You know, I would preface this weecap by saying how little I was looking forward to this final episode of the show, but I can't even get it up to complain; I just need this to be O-V-E-R.
After like twenty minutes of "previously"s and pointless Chentroductions, we head to the jury house. The first six members ceremoniously gather outside, waiting for the seventh member to arrive; they'd like to see either Donato show up, though the consensus seems to be a preference for Dick not to get to the end. Jen is in the middle of a speech about what an awful person Dick is (obviously) when Zach rolls up, completely interrupting her midsentence. Everyone's bummed out. Eric tells Zach that, had he stayed in the house, it would have been a 6-1 vote for him against either Donato; Dustin can't believe that they have to vote for one of the two final, gross contestants.
At some time to this meeting, Eric is sent to some part of the jury house, where he gets his final America's Player instructions. America wants him to vote -- and campaign -- for Dick to win. And that's when I decided that the fix had to be in, it just had to, because the alternative has me blowing off this weecap to pack and move back to Canada immediately rather than spend another night in a Dick-loving nation. Okay, it's just a nation of Dick-loving Big Brother viewers, which is a pretty tiny sample. Still. Ew.
So now that Eric's been ordered to make his case, we cut straight back to the jury meeting so Eric can start making it. The jurors have to choose between the lesser of two evils. Zach points out that everyone on the jury has been personally attacked by Dick, and that keeping him from the big prize will send him a message that his behaviour is not okay. Bit late for that, but all right. Dustin says that handing Dick the victory will tell America (the part that watches this stupid show, at least) that being an asshole is great. Eric counters that there's nothing in the rule book that says you can't be an asshole and still win your season (see: every winner since that guy with the one leg). Eric adds that Dick had a strategy, whereas Daniele was a snivelling baby riding his coattails. Sure, with her nineteen challenge wins or whatever the hell it was. Jen reminds everyone that she saw, early on, what horrible people Dick and Daniele were and nominated them both against each other as soon as she possibly could; she thinks they're all dumb for not voting out Dick or Daniele on any of their multiple opportunities to do so. Ultimately, she says she can't reward someone like Dick, at which Dustin and Jameka nod sagely. Amber decides that now is the time to call Jen out for arranging a truce with Dick after all the horrible things he did to Jen; it's so off-topic that I'm not sure Amber realizes that Jen is no longer in contention to win. Eric's like, "ANYWAY," and steers the conversation back to the matter at hand: who deserves to win, and how did he or she get to the end? Eric thinks Dick targeted the right person at the right time throughout the season, whereas Daniele let Dick carry her and take all the bullets for her. There's some truth there, of course, but let's not forget Dick was the one advocating for death by sodomy all the livelong day. Jen isn't prepared to forget that. Dustin asks whether they can look past how horrible Dick is as a human, and examine their gameplay. Zach brings up Daniele's success in competitions, with which no one can argue. Eric resumes beating the drum for Dick, on this front as well: Dick won HoH three times, as well as the Veto that saved him from eviction. Amber adds that Dick played for two people the whole time, asshole or no. Jessica finally pipes up to say that Daniele was just as bad as Dick, but that she was just quieter. Zach says that Dick was a guard dog, and Daniele was pulling the leash; he'd go off all the time, but when she made a call, he'd abide by it. Jameka comes up with her own metaphor: Daniele was the pimp, and Dick was the ho. He did all the work, and she collected the benefits. Some truth there, too. This is always the problem when the tight alliance gets to the final two: when they put everyone on the jury and worked their evil will in concert with one another, it's hard to express a preference for one over the other. On the other hand, normally we don't know when the finalists have openly cheated, lied about their relationship, or EXPRESSED RAPE FANTASIES ABOUT THEIR FELLOW CONTESTANTS. DICK.
After commercials, it's time for a highly edited discussion between the jurors (at the jury house) and the final two contestants (still in the house). Dustin goes first: how does Daniele feel sitting to Daniele, knowing that she said a million years ago that she would stick with Dick because she'd want to sit to him at the end? Dick doesn't care; he never imagined getting there with anyone but Daniele.
: Amber. Why should Amber vote for Daniele, given all the cheating she did with Nick? Daniele pissily says that her personal life has nothing to do with the game, and if Amber's going to vote based on Daniele's personal life, Daniele doesn't want her vote. She may come to rue that flippancy later. Or maybe not; I assume Dick and Daniele have an illegal deal to split the total prize money anyway, because why cheat the whole way through and then quit right at the end?
: Jessica. What other person would Dick like to sit to right now, other than Daniele? Dick says he's never considered any other possible opponent at the end, adding (unnecessarily) that he hasn't lied to Jessica. She tartly reminds him that he and Daniele did lie to her the entire week before her eviction, promising her that Jameka would be the one going, so this will be a hard call for Jessica, choosing between...the two people who lied to her. See? They're both at fault. Which is grosser? The answer is always Dick.
: Eric. He asks Eric to give a reason that each juror would deserve to be in the final two. Dick gives this question no thought at all. He rejects the notion that Dustin, Jen, Amber, or Jessica should have gotten to the end. Dick does allow that Eric was the best player in the game; Jameka should be grateful that Dick and Daniele kept her in the game as long as they did; and Zach came on strong at the end. Dick shrugs, because he doesn't need to kiss any ass.
: Zach. What have Dick and Daniele each learned from each juror? Daniele completely misunderstands the question, and answers it like she's giving each juror a Senior Superlative. Eric had best sense of humour; Jessica brought the most happiness to the house; Amber was "the mom." Dick takes over: he learned from Dustin not to be overconfident; from Jen, that no matter what a person's like on the outside, there's a real person deep down in there. Jameka is a good-hearted person: "I respect your lie." Classy! Finally, from Zach, Dick learned never to underestimate anyone.
: Jameka. What were Daniele's biggest moves in the game? She blahs something about nominating Eric and backdooring Jen, and that both of those were moves she made completely without Dick's input.
: Jen. "I'm actually here," she says, kind of awesomely; I'm surprised CBS included that, but then I guess they also included the footage of her, when she was still in the house, talking about how she didn't intend to go the jury house. Anyway, Jen starts off her question by saying, "I obviously don't respect either of you as people in the real world, but at this point I have no choice but to vote for one of you." Yep, that's about the size of it. Jen then throws her question away by asking Dick what it's meant to her to spend this time with Daniele. Gee, I guess it's made a big difference to their relationship -- nearly as much as would have been the case had they made it onto The Amazing Race when they applied for that because they are totally not estranged even a little. But whatever.
Final statements: Daniele can't believe they got to the end. She never thought she and Dick would work so well together, and there's no one she'd rather be sitting to. Everyone should vote their hearts and do what they think best. Dick says he's had to play the game hard from the beginning. He then announces that when he was up against Dustin, he made an alliance with Eric and Jessica that changed the game; turning on them was the worst he felt in the house. He did a lot of the dirty work, but did what needed to be done -- not just for himself, but for Daniele as well. Throughout Dick's final comments, the camera keeps cutting to Daniele's face, as she looks, alternately, like she might cry or throw up. Dick ends his comments with some queer hand gesture, and the monitor at the jury house even more queerly snaps off to a poorly rendered CG dot.
Back in the living room at the BB "house," Daniele whines, "That was crappy." She's referring to Dick's final comments; she had thought they weren't going to campaign against each other, so she didn't highlight all her big game moves. She passive-aggressively trails off, saying, "Whatever, it's fine," and Dick goes outside, whining to the cameras that there's one more thing for her to be pissed at him about. Yeah, it's already kind of a long list.
Chenderdome: enter the jurors. Dustin, Jen, and Jameka look great. Jessica looks like a barmaid at the Palms. Amber is in her daughter's nightie, apparently. And Eric and Zach...whatever. I will say that Eric enters with this studied little shrug, like when he came into the jury house, like he's trying to turn this into his trademark gesture for when he gets cast as the hilarious upstairs neighbour on The Big Bang Theory or something. Tone it down, studly.
After commercials, Julie talks to the Donatos. Dick feels good to be there with his daughter. Daniele also feels "amazing," and has enjoyed spending the past week reminiscing with Dick.
Finally, it's time for the jurors to place their votes, inserting keys with their chosen winner into the big spinning wheel thing; as they do so, they'll get to make a last comment to the finalists. Eric is first, saying that for him, this was a clear-cut choice. Hee. Jameka's vote will be going to someone whose game she respects. Dustin is voting based on "strategic action." Jen, of course, says that she'd rather vote for anyone but Dick or Daniele, but she has no choice, and has to vote for one of them. I love Jen. Zach was in the house the longest with both Donatos. Good one? Amber is voting on "game strategic purpose." Sic, just...everywhere. Jessica's voting for the person she enjoyed more in the house, and adds, "May the best Donato win." If her wish comes true, it's bad news for Donatokind the world over.
After commercials, we meet some more Donatos: Charlotte, Dick's mother, who raised Daniele; and Vincent, Dick's son. I kind of want Jameka to yell that Charlotte is a bitch, but of course, that doesn't happen. Charlotte perpetuates the myth that Dick and Daniele hadn't spoken in years before coming in the house. Julie asks Vince whether Dick's always "like this," and Vince says that he is -- so, for all those people out there who say that Dick's assholery was strictly strategic, please note that HIS OWN SON says otherwise.
Then Julie throws to the first five evicted houseguests. Obviously, she starts with Nick, and the opportunity he had to see Daniele at Power Of Ten except that she sucked so bad. (I'm paraphrasing.) But if Julie had a question, it is swiftly forgotten as Nick and Daniele realize they can see each other on the monitors, and dorkily greet each other. It might be cute, if one of them wasn't Daniele. And the other wasn't someone who wanted to sleep with Daniele. What was it like for Carol seeing her high-school rival Jessica last so long in the game? Carol was proud of Jessica. What was it like for Joe to watch Dustin? Joe -- who's made a poor choice in growing his hair out all curly -- pretty much reiterates what he said about Dustin's rise and fall the last time he was brought back on the show, post-eviction, for no good reason. He congratulates Dustin for getting as far as he did; Dustin has nothing to say in response. Was Mike rooting for Zach to get to the final two? Yes. Mike: fascinating as ever. Kail's not surprised that Dick got to the end; he and Daniele were strong players.
Julie ends her obligatory Chat With Fallen Houseguests by saying that they all know something that the rest of the houseguests do not, but it's time to reveal that big twist now. Someone's got a secret! BUT WHO?! Everyone turns to look at the monitor, which kicks off its montage with a couple of shots of Eric in the house, and then Eric talks directly to the camera as he explains what he had to do and why, accompanied by B-roll of his various tasks. Everyone seems delighted by the twist. I'm delighted that the montage goes on so long. Once it finally ends, Julie observes that Eric's already whispering in Jessica's ear. She asks what Jessica thinks, and what Eric just said to her. Jessica doesn't know what to think; Eric just told her they could talk later. She can't believe she lived with Eric so long and he didn't tell her. Julie asks whether Jessica's mad at Eric, and she emphatically says she isn't, and hasn't been mad at Eric all summer. Julie asks Dick how surprised he is, particularly given that America was responsible for keeping him in the house in Week 6. Dick says he thought it was brilliant gameplay on his part, but now he knows it was just shenanigans. As for Daniele, she says she knew it was Eric who ruined Jen's shirt, and that it was he who voted, against the alliance, to evict Kail those two times, but that she had no idea that it was part of a larger plan; she thinks it's cool. What about Dustin? He's not surprised that Eric swayed the house to evict him, since Eric could sell anything (which we will soon learn is absolutely true). Dustin doesn't care, anyway; he got to spend "a long time in paradise." Jameka says that all those weird votes on Eric's part now make sense; she knew she couldn't trust him. And now Jen knows that it was America who poured mustard on her shirt -- now she can address the nation. Jen, awesomely: "Well, I was wondering who was that childish when it happened...but now I see: it was America." Well, exactly. And what does Eric have to say for himself? He instantly tells Dustin and Amber that he wished he didn't have to vote against them. And then he turns to Jessica to say that everything they shared was real, and that he'd been dying to tell her everything all summer. Jessica doesn't look like she really cares that much either way because, in case you hadn't heard, she's just not that into him. I mean, seriously, there's more PDA between Dick and Daniele. (Take that as you will.)
After commercials, it's finally fucking time to end the madness. The winner gets $500,000; the runner-up gets $50,000.
Eric (per America) votes for Dick.
Jameka votes for Daniele.
Dustin votes for Dick.
Jen votes for Daniele.
Zach votes for Dick. Even with his bad attitude?
And Amber votes for Dick, so he wins. I don't even have the energy to get irate about it; this just needs to end so I can go to bed and forget this whole terrible season ever happened.
Anyway: Dick and Daniele hug each other like a million times; at least she's wearing a dress, so she can't jump up on him and wrap her legs around him, and I'll take that as a tiny blessing. In the Chenderdome, everyone hugs.
After commercials, Julie lets us know that, for the record, Jessica voted for Dick, so he won 5-2. Unbelievable. Dick tells Julie he wants to travel around the world with some of the people there. Oh, I bet I know: Dustin, right? As for Daniele, she says that she feels like she and Dick won: "It doesn't matter." Yep, exactly. Julie blah-blahs some generic goodbyes, and then it really is over. And that was the last time I ever agreed to have anything to do with this horrendous abortion of a show. America, behold your chosen victor, and be very ashamed of yourself.