Previously on Big Brother: The fast-forward show demonstrated a little ambition by applying the boot to Eric and Jessica both. Depending on your interpretation of Jessica's response to Eric's declaration of love, they are either in sequester, making out, or they are in court, where Eric is learning a little something about boundaries. Dear Show: Please end soon.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the part of the season where the people preparing episodes for broadcast have access to maybe seventy hours of footage to choose from for each episode and still cannot find an hour's worth of watchable material. Thus, you are about to see a super-extended salute to redundancy in the form of the longest set of previouslys since that one episode of The Apprentice where they devoted one-third of the one-hour finale to describing what had already happened. Remember? We blue-and-white our way back to Jessica's banishment. Daniele tells us that she felt "really bad" about Jessica being voted out. In fact, she felt so bad that she tried not to look at Jessica while it was happening. Because the key to being Daniele is that if you don't look at people, their feelings don't exist. Way to be, Kneesocks. Jameka tells us that "it felt like oh my God" when Jessica left. (God: "Normally, that would constitute taking My name in vain, but I checked out of this entire enterprise long ago, so knock yourself out.") We also learn that Eric told Jessica he loved her while they were hugging, which is a little less painful than when I thought he said it for the first time on TV during her farewell video. Eric vowed, you will recall, to be an avenging "maniac" for the whole entire remainder of his time in the house! (Joe R: "All seventeen minutes.") Daniele tells us that she had absolutely no sympathy for Eric, because the game is not personal, after all. It's delicious, coming from someone who reacted to Nick's ouster as if he had been killed and eaten by the Union army when Sherman marched through Atlanta.
We learn that, before the live show, Dick smuggled Jameka into the Secret Gym Of Treadmills And Intrigue to offer her a deal. Well...it's not really a "deal," so much as it is "threats and extortion." He told her that she would be kept for another round, in return for which she had to agree that she would do whatever he said until the final three. Dick, of course, has to present this in the most bullying way possible, not telling Jameka that they will have an F3 deal, but telling her, "You have no vote -- it's ours." Hello, Dick? There are going to be only four people left. All you have to do is get her to agree to take the two of you to F3. There's really no need for ominous threats of this kind. Dick wants to lock down Jameka's acquiescence, so he says, "You promise on the Bible?" "I will not," says she, "for the truth is more holy than a book to me." (I am paraphrasing. There's a little song. Never mind.) For what it's worth, Jameka is applying a principle directly from the Bible here, in that it specifically instructs you not to swear on things or people, but to "let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no,' 'no.'" In fact, it says that other kinds of swearing originate with "the evil one." You could look it up. At any rate, Jameka tells us that making the deal was "nerve-racking," but now she's in the game for herself. I'm not sure who she was in it with up until now. Maybe she's saying she could only disdain Dick on principle until it damaged her game? Because...it wouldn't be very meaningful then.
Dick depresses me further by admitting that he was totally guessing on the question when he won HoH after Jessica was gone. Zach expresses his hope that Dick and Daniele will actually take him to F3, the way they've promised. And then we see the part where Dick nominated Jameka and Eric. Zach DRs that he'd been afraid of being stabbed in the back, but he wasn't. And then he won the PoV (during the competition with all the bouncy balls), so he had all the power. Zach rubs salt in the wound of the fact that he had the ability at that moment to get rid of Dick or Daniele, thus breaking apart two people guaranteed to never be genuinely aligned with him because they're aligned only with each other. But, of course, he chose to piss away said great power by sticking with his "keep your friends close and an unbreakable pair of fucking assholes closer" strategy. His explanation is that he had to keep them in the hopes of winning HoH and "upsetting the game." Yes. He will wait until it can't possibly do him any good, and then he will make his big move! Then they'll see! Dick, for his part, tells us that booting Eric was "a plan coming to fruition." Daniele claims that she would have liked to not go back on her word, but Eric was a big liar, so it was okay. As you know if you have studied ethics, if there's one wrong, and then you add another wrong to it, those will make up a right.
FINALLY, after almost twelve minutes of show, we reach the point of things we haven't already seen. Jameka says that as things go forward, she's just going to trust in God. Following Eric's exit, the final four are all hugging and congratulating themselves and whatnot. Dick has gloated all season, but now, he really can't stop. He and his equally hateful daughter have a hateful little meeting. Zach tells us that when they ran off together, it made him wonder if he's "part of the group" after all. Somewhere in the house, production must be hard at work repairing the wall that has finally fallen on Zach. Dick and Daniele giggle about how they're going to screw Zach, and about how awesome and funny that's going to be. Daniele chuckles in the DR about how she thinks of Zach as that friend you ignore when he calls you on your cell phone. That's an interesting coincidence, because I think of Daniele as that girl whose cell phone you find in a taxi, and you call to arrange to give it back to her, but she acts like such a whiny bitch on the phone that you decide to keep it, call all her contacts, and tell them she has an STD.
You know, satisfying seasons of reality shows are partially about comeuppance, and there's clearly not going to be any for these two this season. Daniele's probably going to win -- we all knew weeks ago, and if you ask me, production has been pretty determined to bring about that Dick/Daniele F2, which is why Dick was allowed to be violent and threatening to an unprecedented degree without getting booted. This F2 I'm guessing we're going to see has been force-fed to us, in my view, and it means there's no satisfaction in the traditional plot sense, but...fortunately, it doesn't really matter. When you're a person like Dick or Daniele, you are your own comeuppance. Everybody wants to see assholes punished, but when you're this tragically lacking in self-awareness, your life is your punishment. You're not really getting away with anything. Dick's punishment is being Dick, and Daniele's punishment is turning into him. Dick with money is still Dick. Daniele with money is still Daniele. "You win money, but you have to be...you know. You." Not a good deal, that.
Anyway, the F4 continue to gloat and squeak and enjoy the house. The memory wall has been transformed so that it shows pictures of various competitions that have happened this summer, and the pictures are going to be part of the HoH competition. Naturally, everyone stands around studying the pictures. This is the HoH competition, you'll recall, that has very limited meaning, because all it really does is grant immunity to the person who wins. They don't really make any decisions about who goes home, because the person who wins the final PoV has all the power. That final PoV winner evicts the fourth-place finisher single-handedly. The HoH's original nominations are literally totally meaningless, in terms of the structure of the game. You'll want to keep that in mind.
Competition. Questions about the pictures on the memory wall. Jameka falls back fairly early, leaving it as a contest between Zach and Daniele. And the winner is...Zach, who takes it in a tiebreaker victory. When Dick looks and sees that Daniele's answer loses to Zach's, his face falls, and that one moment of disappointment for him is the one part of this episode that I enjoyed. Daniele is the absolute worst sport ever, throwing her answer board down on the ground in disgust when she loses. She heads inside and pouts, but Dick DRs that it doesn't make a damn bit of difference to him and Daniele, since they can just boot Jameka. He hasn't figured out that it doesn't make a damn bit of difference because...it doesn't make a damn bit of difference. In her room, Daniele continues her pity party, having been given every single outrageous advantage in the game, including being sent into the house with a blood relative determined to kiss her ass, and still managing to feel sorry for herself. Dick tells her that they're just going to boot Jameka. All they have to do is make sure Jameka doesn't win PoV. Daniele, under her "Happy Birthday" sign, continues moping and whining, because seriously, y'all, that girl is spoiled like month-old ham.
Zach shows everyone his HoH room. Daniele tells us that no one wanted to see it, so it was "bitter grapes." That's really not a long saying. You'd think she could manage it. Zach reads his letter from home. He tells us that it was a great big deal. His mom has included a version of the "doors close, windows open" speech, which...is true, but not so applicable, I don't think. "I have to win it," Zach says, and then he does a little fist-pumping dance in his room all alone. Ew, ew, ew, that is not what I meant. You are gross.
Dick and Zach talk, and Dick tells Zach that Daniele is afraid of going home if Jameka wins PoV, but he and Zach agree that Jameka can't win competitions. They agree that Jameka must go, because she would take the jury votes of her friends, like Dustin and Amber and so forth. Zach tells Dick that he started guessing a long time ago that it would be him and Dick at the end, and he still thinks so. Zach makes a very odd speech in the DR about what happens if he doesn't put up either Dick or Daniele, which...what? Math, son. You've got to.
Zach talks to Jameka, and he tells her that they might be able to get a little further if they work together. They agree that Dick or Daniele would not let them through to F2. Do you suppose Zach just figured this out? Maybe so. Zach tells Jameka he wants to put up Dick and Daniele and hope that Jameka plays hard for PoV. She agrees, but...what are the odds that Jameka is going to win the veto? And why is Zach figuring this out, like, 48 hours after it had any chance of doing him any good? Why has he gone from squandering the sole power to evict either father or daughter to wanting desperately to get one of them out? Do he and Jameka also not understand that these nominations are meaningless?
Note, though I don't often mention non-TV elements: Not shown in this episode, naturally, is that internet followers of this train wreck know that Dick recently admitted on camera that he and his son cheated by coming up with a "secret code" that the son could use (and did use) in Dick's HoH letter from home to give him clues about what was going on that he wasn't seeing, so he'd know what to do. This is blatant, out-and-out cheating -- if it weren't against the rules and obviously against what letter-writers from home are told is allowed, all letters from home would be packed with information about what's going on in the house that the letter recipient doesn't know about. Everyone more than obviously knows this isn't allowed, and Dick and his kid did it anyway. Nevertheless, no action is apparently being taken. I have to tell you, I'm very anti-conspiracy-theory and very much a defender of the basic up-and-up-itude of most reality shows, but if you ask me, this season of this show is about twenty kinds of crooked, no lie. You can cheat and threaten and poke people with cigarettes and nothing happens, but you eat a turkey burger and you get a whole vote against you? Does that mean the rules regarding staying on slop are more important than the rule about not cheating in the actual game? I guess so.
Daniele pays Zach a visit in his HoH room and asks him if he's putting up her and her dad. She is very anxious, despite the fact that (as stated!) it makes absolutely literally no difference whom he puts up at this point. None. Zero. If somebody other than Zach wins veto, that person sends someone home. If Zach wins veto, he makes his real decision about nominations then. Doesn't matter. Anyway, Zach isn't really following the script Daniele has in mind, where she blinks and flirts and he huh-huh-huhs and guarantees her that he's nominating someone and Jameka. Instead, he tells her that he's aware that neither she nor her dad will take Zach to F2. Daniele imperiously lectures Zach that it wouldn't do him any good to be taken to F2, because obviously, her dad would win against anyone, because it's so obvious that he played the best game. Oh, Daniele. She goes on to tell Zach, loosely paraphrased, that everyone hates him and he has no chance of winning anyway. I have no idea what she's trying to accomplish. All she's doing is alienating him. When she tries to claim that she and her dad have been his only friends, Zach tells her that everyone including them excluded him socially for the entire first part of his stay (you'll remember that this is entirely true), so...he's not sure what she's getting at either.
In the DR, Daniele laughs hysterically at how Zach could ever imagine that he could ever possibly win against anyone. Because she and her dad are so beloved by...whom, on the jury, exactly? Dustin, whom her father tortured? Jen, whom her father tortured and she backstabbed? Eric and Jessica, whom she and Daddy both just got through snaking? Amber? Where are all these determined votes going to come from? Daniele seems not to realize that if Zach made it to F2, the vote wouldn't be "Zach" versus "I would rather not see Zach win." The vote would be "Zach" versus, for instance, "violent homophobe." People choose between unattractive options. Daniele goes to her dad and says she thinks Zach is putting her and Dick up, again demonstrating that she is far too stupid to realize that it doesn't matter whom Zach puts up at this point. The fact that she and Dick are so agitated proves, by definition, that whatever got Dick and Daniele to this point, it ain't brains, since they can't even follow the sequence to its logical conclusion.
Dick goes and confronts Zach, trying to get him not to meaninglessly put up Dick and Daniele. Zach tells Dick that at F4, you do what's right for yourself. Dick goes for the threatening thing again, trying to menace Zach about what will happen to him if he nominates Dick and Daniele. This is completely idiotic, since at this point, no matter what Zach does, Dick and Daniele are in the same position, which is that for both of them to stay in the game, either (1) one of them has to win veto; or (2) Zach has to win veto and choose at that time to put up (or keep up) Jameka for the other Donato to vote out. What he does now is not part of it.
Dick and Daniele smirk their way through Zach's nomination ceremony, in which he thanks Dick and Daniele for being his friends and Jameka for restoring his faith in God. Wow. So now, far too late for it to help him, Zach is nominating Dick and Daniele. Dick goes all blustery and smug about how this won't work. Zach remains calm, explaining that they're nominated because they've been strong. To Dick, he says, "Your tactics are awful. I don't like them, but they work." Seriously, having someone sane look at Dick and say, "Your tactics are awful"? That helped me a tiny bit. As for Daniele, he says she's too strong in competitions. Zach says maybe he can't win against anyone, but he finds their domination "unfair" (okay, that part is dumb). He also annoyingly remarks that "nobody had the stones" to get them out, and they laugh in his face as he says he's going to try.
And that is the story of The Boy Whose Testicles Arrived Too Late.