I love the compressed episodes. They really give you an idea of what this show would be like if things happened.
After a million "previously"s and some yammering from Julie, we slide-guitar into the moments right after Daniele and her hot pants announced that neither of them would be using the veto. Jameka DRs that she considers Jessica one of her best friends in the house, so she won't be campaigning against her to stay, regardless of whether that means her "demise," because she's just that much better a person than you would be. (I'm paraphrasing.) Jessica -- looking extremely busty in a camisole and choker (CHOKER?) -- DRs that she had two opportunities last week to get rid of Dick or Daniele and didn't, so she's hopeful that they'll remember that come voting time.
"Jessica has to go this week," Dick tells Daniele. Obviously. Daniele looks kind of distressed about it (as distressed as she ever looks with that caveman forehead of hers), and Dick lies that it's "stressing" him out, too. They briefly mention how much Eric's going to cry when Jessica goes. They decide, though, to extort a deal out of Jameka, and Dick elaborates in the DR that he's going to tell Jameka right away that she'll be evicted this week, and then "ten minutes" before the live episode, he's going to pull her aside and offer her a deal, which she will take.
The thing we see is Dick putting Phase 1 of this plan in motion. Seriously, it looks like this happens about ten minutes after the Veto Ceremony; the sun is high and Jameka's still in the same outfit. Dick's like, "You're going this week. Wanna talk about it?" Jameka's like, "Not with you, because you are gross" (again, I'm paraphrasing) and takes off. In the DR, Jameka cries, and enumerates all the people she's playing for, ending by saying she's not ready to go.
, some time has passed, and Jameka finds Jessica outside to tell her what Dick told her. Jessica doesn't seem especially excited to hear the news, and Jameka doesn't sound like she entirely believes it anyway.
Then Jessica is lying out when Eric comes oozing out to talk to her. She tells him what Jameka told her, and Eric's like, "See?!" His point is that if Dick and Daniele wanted either Jessica or Eric to go, the two of them would have been nominated, instead of Jessica and Jameka. In the DR, he pretends to be confident that Dick and Daniele will be true to their word. And why on earth would he think they wouldn't be?
America's Player time. America decides not to fuck with Eric, and orders him to vote out Jameka. Eric is relieved; he needs "fighting this battle by [his] side." Dude, it's not Normandy. Calm down.
Eric takes Daniele outside and asks her -- as a friend, and not because he's going to try to change her mind or anything -- whether she'll be voting out Jessica. Daniele takes about ten minutes to answer, and then does so with her terrible poker face of a grin, "No, you're good." So convincing! Eric's even sweatier than usual as he says that Jessica would kill him if she knew he was doing this, but he's begging Daniele for Jessica's life. Daniele: "No worries." I swear, I cannot believe Eric bought this shit. She's not even trying.
And then we have to get another eyeful of Julie, who tells the houseguests about the "worldwind [sic]" that is tonight's episode. Everyone looks freaked out, and then Jessica and Jameka are dancing for their lives. Jameka hopes her time in the house isn't over. She's been true to her world throughout the game. Jessica didn't think anything would be harder than sharing the house with her childhood rival (remember that?), but that being nominated against Jameka was worse. She'll be happy whether she stays or goes. To the votes!
Eric is first. Julie uses their time together to tell him that America will still be texting in their votes as to whom Eric should try to get nominated, and that Julie will let him know his target by asking him or her, after the HoH competition, to lead the houseguests back inside. Boy, that's a lot of pressure on Julie not to fuck it up and be all like, "Houseguests! Eric, can you lead...I mean, can you...Zach is...Jameka...But first!" And then she just spontaneously reboots herself.
Anyway, is Dick. He votes to evict Jessica.
Julie weirdly vamps with Daniele for five minutes before finally remembering to ask for her vote. Of course, she votes with Dick, to evict Jessica.
So Jessica's out. She looks momentarily surprised, but manages to keep it together. She walks straight past Dick, Daniele, and Zach, who all make themselves scarce. Eric hugs her like he's drowning and she's a styrofoam cooler that happened to float by, and she gives him the briefest peck in creation, hugs Jameka, hugs Eric again, and leaves.
Inside, Eric tries to front like he's not surprised. Dick says he's sorry. Eric takes a moment to filibuster, complaining to Daniele that she could have told him. Dick claims, "It was last-minute." Eric just "wanted two days with her," as though he would have REALLY made his move for sure then and totally given her the awkward, eyebrowy rogering that he'd been holding back up until now. Like, as if.
To the Chenderdome! Jessica knew campaigning wouldn't do any good; she thinks they might have changed their votes, once they heard it was going to be a double eviction, because she's such a strong competitor. Julie then asks, of course, what Jessica's future is with Eric, and Jessica squeals, "I love Eric!" in that way you might say, "I love my gay best friend I go clubbing with!" or "I love cookies!" He's been good to her in the house, but she's vague about any relationship they might have when they're both among the general population. Goodbyes: Dick voted her out due to strategy. Zach's sorry he's the one to have been responsible for her nomination. Daniele pleads strategy also. Jameka will miss her. And of course, they save Eric for last. Jessica looks at his image fondly, but doesn't look especially moved. His voice breaking, Eric says that Jessica doesn't know how much he needs her there: "I'm going to be a maniac for as long as I'm here, fighting for your honour. Jessica, I love you!" Jessica's expression: "Oh, shit. Time to get a new cell-phone number." And then, a close-up of her face and chest reveals that Julie's been shot with a glitter gun.
HoH Competition. This will be the last one Jameka can't compete in. The game is "Before Or After." Each contestant is on a set of stairs, stepping back or forward depending on their answers. The game is very close, with each of them taking the lead at various times, but ultimately, Dick wins, obviously. Dick, Daniele, and Zach celebrate elaborately; Eric and Jameka know they're fucked. And then Julie addresses the group: "Daniele, please lead everyone back inside." My guess is Eric won't be chalking this one up in the win column.
Back from commercial, Julie suggests that we listen to the "last-minute strategies," but we can't hear a goddamn thing amid all the whispering and hissing, and then Dick very efficiently nominates Jameka and Eric, of course.
So the veto competition requires everyone to put on helmets and goggles and pads as thousands of balls come flying at their faces. Great, another competition geared to Daniele's strengths. But I kid! Each houseguest has a tube, into which they need to place only green balls. Daniele spends basically the entire time whining and squealing about how much pain she's in and how she can't see anything. Jameka finds the first green ball; shortly, she's up to three. For a while, the rest of the contestants don't really have much of a showing at all, and then Zach gets up to four, and then Julie says, "Jameka's up to five," except we can clearly see that one of those is blue. It apparently takes a few minutes for a PA to point this out to Julie, so when she breaks in to report that Zach's ball count is up to five, she adds that Jameka is disqualified for putting a blue ball in her tube. Jameka keeps playing as she says something about Eric that I can't quite make out, and then anxiously tells Julie that she didn't put a blue ball in her tube -- it fell in -- and that Julie must check the tape. But before long, it's a moot point; nine-foot Zach (who had even more of an advantage in this game of flying balls than Daniele did) has filled his tube, winning the Power of Veto (and becoming Master Cylinder). Julie: "Will the nominations change?" Y'all, I don't think Julie watches this show.
After commercials, Dick is checking out his necklace, which apparently broke during the competition (that's the universe's way of telling you to quit wearing man-jewellery, ass), and then it's time for the meeting. Jameka holds up the works by taking too long peeing or something, but soon enough she's there, pleading her case. She breathlessly says that she's still not ready to leave (even less ready than she was forty minutes ago, if you can imagine that) and that she still has a lot to contribute to the house, whatever that means. Honey, it's not Survivor. They're not going to keep you because you're the best at cooking manioc or always gather firewood. As she sits down, huffing, it's clear that Jameka is not equal to the accelerated pace of this episode. Whereas I? Love it. Eric manages to sound both weak and superior: "This house? This game? These people? Zach, I have no expectation that you're going to use this, but vote smart, guys. I have no friends on this jury, I haven't won a competition in weeks. Give me a fair chance to play this game." But, obviously, Zach's not going to change shit.
After commercials, Dick and Daniele are, like, 8000 on the Smug-o-Meter. It's gross. Eric and Jameka, dancing for their lives. Jameka's not wild about being nominated this many times in a row. The voters should think about what move will get them further in the game, and remember that she's a woman of her word. I don't know why she thinks that's going to cut any ice with at least 50% of the voters (the girl constituency), but I guess it kind of is her only play. Eric is disappointed and surprised to be nominated. He's been good to the three non-nominees, he says, but then he has to be a bitch about it by adding that it was because he believed what they told him, and now, tonight, his trust has been broken, but hey, they should vote to keep him anyway! I guess his argument is that they should keep him so they can win him back over? Shut up, Eric.
Votes. Zach and Daniele both vote to evict Eric.
Julie tells Eric he's punted. You can tell Jameka REALLY thinks it's going to be her; Eric doesn't look surprised at all. Jameka and Eric have a long hug, and then he hugs everyone else. As he makes his way to the door, Daniele hugs Jameka, who's sobbing in relief. At the door, Eric pauses to say that they sent "the Philadelphia lawyer to the jury." Ooooh, we're so scared! Not Philadelphia! What? Anyway, Dick's all, "It was nothing personal," but of course part of Eric's story is that he needs to be the guy who left classy, and says he has no hard feelings and wishes everyone well. Daniele tells Eric to give their regards to Jen, and Eric replies that he hopes she's dead by shark attack. Ha ha ha! Actually, that's probably the least gory fate anyone (Dick) has imagined for her in the house, from what I've heard. And then, Eric is gone.
In the aftermath, there's some hissy strategy talk between Daniele and Dick that I totally can't make out without subtitles, and then Daniele's all flirtily congratulating Zach on his veto win, stringing him along in their alliance with the hint that she might make out with him at some point if he earns it, and then more post-mortem about Jameka's blue ball (hee), and her guess that it bounced in.
And then, back to the Chenderdome. Eric is effortfully acting upbeat, telling Julie he's at peace with his eviction, though he passive-aggressively implies to America that if he'd been in control of his own destiny, the people who ousted him would have been gone by now. Oh, REALLY? Hey, as I recall, America had no say in what you did with the veto you won last week. I'll absolutely give it to Eric that America was high when it told him to vote to keep Dick in the house instead of Dustin, because that was some bullshit. But there was nothing stopping him from vetoing either Amber's or Zach's nominations the one and only time he won a veto, so WHATEVER. Julie's like, "Passive-aggressively calling out America, huh?" Eric whines that it was hard to balance his marching orders with his own goals, but that he honoured America's wishes, even when America was pulling for the people who ended up sending Eric out. And then, Jessica. Eric gets a little pissy to have his real, sincere, passionate love affair with Jessica demeaned as a mere "showmance," and says that his affection for her didn't obstruct his gameplay, but he's mad at America for fucking her over, through him. Why you so down on America, boy? It helped you earn $40,000! That'll buy you a lot of cheesesteaks! Apparently!