Augh.
I just...AUGH. Just watching this episode exhausted me so utterly that the prospect of spending the hour watching it again makes me wonder how many mistakes I've made over the course of my life to end me up HERE. Weecapping the DONATOS. Let's just hunker down -- and remember, by this time week, it'll all be over.
So Zach nominated Dick and Daniele, and everyone involved was kind of a dick about it -- no pun intended: Zach was all pompous, Daniele was all smug, and Dick...dicked. As he does. He drums his fingers on the table, he mocks Zach (with Daniele), and then we slide-guitar into colour. Daniele DRs that she's upset that Zach went back on his word (much as she and Dick did to Eric and Jessica -- obviously, since everyone scumbagging everyone else is how the game works, uh-duh). We get some brief footage of Dick and Daniele making fun of Zach for saying that he was the only one with the stones to try to get them out, and of his claim that Jameka restored his faith in God (which, to be fair, did sound like straight-up pandering). Anyway, both Donatos are supremely confident -- Dick adding, for good measure, that he and Daniele had the hardest game to play of anyone in the house, which is actually true in one respect: their natural alliance made them natural targets the entire time they've been playing. But the flip of that, obviously, is that each has had the other to depend on, with much less secret worry that one's alliance partner will sell one out than is the case with people who've only known each other in the game. I mean, even Dick -- even Dick -- can't sell out Daniele without looking like the actual Devil. So it cuts both ways. In other words: shut up, Dick.
So then what follows is an exchange where Dick tries to take out his giant cock and wave it around, and Zach's not really interested, and Daniele's sitting there in the giant cock's shadow. I mean, I know that's gross. But it's Dick. He starts by laying into Zach for the line of bullshit he laid on Jameka about her restoring his faith; at least Dick has been honest, says Dick. Zach's like, "To you." Dick continues quietly needling Zach, a tight smile pasted on his face, as he tells Zach that he's playing for third, and that he won't win against any of the other three people left. Zach's like, "Maybe against you." Dick insists that Zach couldn't even beat Dick, not that Zach will even get to the final two to find out. Zach's like, "True. We'll see if you get there." The camera zooms in on Ol' Sackface so we can see the fear in his eyes as he says, "I will." Zach, on his way out of the kitchen, says he might even take Dick there, and Dick says he knows -- because Zach doesn't have a shot against anyone else. Then...we're agreed? God, Dick is such a sad cartoon.
So Zach finds Jameka in the bathroom. She thanks him for not nominating her and they briefly hug. She DRs that she feels bad about some of the things she's said about Zach (sure, now she does, when he's nominated other people), but manages not to look like a hypocrite by adding that some of the things she's said about him were true. Heh. Anyway, she agrees with him that double-teaming the Donatos is a good idea.
Speaking of D&D, they're still in the kitchen when Zach returns, and Dick is still yammering on about what a fool Zach is and how none of his ass-kissing means nothing, because all that matters is the Veto Competition the day. Zach pleasantly tells Dick he's right: "Good luck!" Dick sarcastically returns the wish, adding that he and Daniele have won nine competitions between them, whereas Zach's just eked in a couple right at the end. Zach loses me a little when he says that's just because he wasn't trying until recently (eh, may be true, but it's still weak to say it now), and Dick takes issue with this too, of course, because at least Dick is honest. Yes, Dick is the very soul of honesty. The horking, leathery, scrotum-headed soul of honesty. In the DR, Dick blusters on some more about Zach; Zach DRs that he would love to make Dick eat his words. Which, if you've seen the episode to the end: well, sigh.
So after the commercials, CBS decides to dispel all the rumours and show us video proof that there is a jury house, and that the jurors are staying there. The house is pretty nice (and the same one we've seen before, I think). Dustin is happy to get there and is apparently enjoying the house. He's sipping a tropical beverage when Jen shows up, mocking him for his affectations. Dustin interviews that he wanted to smack Jen for getting him evicted instead of Dick, but those are apparently bygones. Then Amber arrives. Dustin seems actually moved to see her out of the game, and Amber manages not to cry. They all toast with champagne, Amber hoping that "a bad person" will be the to arrive. I would love to rip into Amber's fairy-tale black/white notions of good and bad, PARTICULARLY AS REGARDS FUCKING BIG BROTHER OF ALL GODDAMN THINGS, but since she's been out of the house, I've kind of started to feel bad about making fun of someone as obviously mentally disadvantaged as Amber. Like in the sense that I think she might not just be dumb in a run-of-the-mill way but could possibly actually be...like, touched. So I won't. I hope a baaaaaad person shows up , too! But since the one to get there is Jessica, I'm not entirely sure which camp Amber would put her in. Sure, she did nominate Amber the week she ended up getting evicted, but then Jessica's not Jewish or an atheist or an atheist's child! I'm confused! Amber interviews that she did feel some schadenfreude to see the architect of her undoing before her (of course, I paraphrase), and that "all that's left in the house that's a good person is Jameka. Of course. They're still toasting when Eric enters, stagily yelling, "Room for one more?!" America wanted me to tell you: it voted for you to shut up. Jessica interviews that she didn't want to see Eric there (which I choose to subtitle, "I was hoping to avoid him after that whole 'I love you' thing") but that he's "the funnest person" to hang out with ("They have board games here, right? And jigsaw puzzles? And single beds only?") and that they'll have time to talk about things ("When he's using his tongue to talk, it's out of my mouth"). Eric produces a DVD of his last episode, and everyone watches. Eric interviews that he can't wait to tell everyone that he was America's Player. I don't actually think anyone will give a shit, except insofar as it fucked up their own games. Back in the living room, Dustin narrates that they all had a horror of Zach somehow ending up in the final four, and now here he is. He DRs that no one currently on the jury will be happy to see Dick or Daniele win, and that he hopes Jameka and Zach can bond and get one of them out. Eric needlessly shit-talks Zach's inability to figure out the necessity of doing that, and then Jen says, in the most bored voice possible, "Well, that was fun." HA! I love how resentful Jen is of being filmed in the jury house. And of being in the jury house.
After commercials, Zach and Jameka study for the upcoming Veto Competition.
Downstairs, Dick smirks that if they can't beat Zach and Jameka, they deserve to go home. Daniele, possibly already kind of psyched out, tells him not to say that. Dick reminds her that she's already won four Veto Competitions: "One more. That's all." Daniele doesn't seem all that thrilled that Dick is talking about the "we" that needs to win this one, while apparently putting all the pressure on her to actually deliver -- especially when she already knows that she is Zach and Jameka's real target.
Upstairs in the HoH room, Zach and Jameka pray. In particular, Jameka prays that God will be vengeful, which is kind of awesome. If He decided to comply, though, I guess that means Jameka really pissed Him off at some point. (Spoiler.) Zach DRs that it's like war.
So the competition begins. It's an overly complicated memory game involving faces and numbers and a spinning wheel, and seems to take a while. Dick goes too fast and makes a wrong guess. Zach takes a few minutes to figure out how the game actually works, and makes a wrong guess. And Daniele, of course, wins. I will forgive her shrieky celebration because she really was probably fucked if she didn't deliver; Jameka probably wouldn't have voted to keep Dick in the game just because she hates him so much, but thinking strategically, Dick really is the person that all remaining players should want opposing them in a final-two situation. But Dick, for someone who didn't win, takes the rejoicing much further than is seemly. As Jameka hugs and congratulates Daniele, Dick starts carrying on, yelling at Zach, "You're not even gonna be in the final two!" Zach maintains his pleasant smile, shrugging. Jameka DRs that she lost to one of the best competitors in the house, and has no one to blame but herself. Back in the yard, as Dick starts Frisbee-ing faces around, "Dick's Theme" kicks out the jams so we know a tantrum is coming. Jameka tells Zach a couple of times that she's sorry, but Zach just serenely says "good job" to Daniele, who seems to be ignoring him. Dick, ever-gracious, flips Zach off, ranting that "it ain't even over" and the Donatos have won. "I definitely played better than you did," says Zach placidly. Dick, now with a total raging rage-on, tells Zach that he dealt out eight of the game's ten evictions. Zach: "And all of them aren't going to vote you because your attitude is awful!" I love how he brings it back to attitude. It's like he's Dick's camp counselor or Little League coach -- both of which institutions Little Dick sorely needed to spend more time in, because it's true; his attitude is awful and he never learned to be a good winner. Or winner's-coattail-rider, in this case. Zach says that he kicked ass either way. Dick mocks him again for calling himself the muscle, to which Zach quietly replies, "Daniele carried you." A simple statement, and yet so utterly true. Dick turns to a new theme -- all the Heads of Household, including Zach, who failed to evict Dick: "Where's your crown?" "I'll be wearing it week," says Zach. Dick tells Zach to go up to his HoH room and "rethink things." BURN! Zach, heading back inside, tells Dick to get on the treadmill. Oh, good point; the endurance challenge is not the smoking, spitting, potbellied gentleman's friend. Unfortunately, Zach siphons off some of my favour by saying that his mind is like a samurai sword. However, it would take likening his mind to eighty platoons of ninja to make him less appealing than fucking Dick.
Zach having left the area, Dick is free to tell Jameka that he wishes he could take her to the final three -- I guess that was a side-side deal to the deal Dick and Daniele had with Zach that they're so pissed off about him breaking. Jameka sort of waves that off as she goes back inside. Dick soon follows her, bellowing "final three" this and "game over" that, while at the table Zach is totally calm as he says he's grateful to have gotten as far as he did.
Dick takes a break in his onanistic gloating to involve Daniele, the actual winner of the competition. She has changed clothes and looks like she's still having an endorphin rush of relief. (She's also got Nick's fucking bandanna around her wrist.) They agree that Zach has no chance of winning, and Dick DRs that this is "the season of the Donatos." God, ain't that the fucking truth.
Live chat time. Daniele's five Veto wins tie her record with Janelle's. Why did Dick shit-talk Zach so much? Apparently, we out here needed to know some things -- specifically that Dick is fucking infantile. What about Jameka's restoration of Zach's faith? Oh, no one cares. Even Jameka looks kind of annoyed to be asked about it.
I don't even want to lose momentum here to comment on Daniele's fucking queer outfit, so I'll just say she looks like a pink Hostess Snowball that got stabbed and started bleeding. She yaps for like ten minutes before saying that she's going to veto Dick's nomination, saying "replace the favour" like fifteen times. "RETURN," Flo, damn.
So Dick's rescue means Jameka's automatically nominated. She doesn't expect anything other than what's about to happen. Daniele is kind of gross in giving her rote "take me off the block" speech because everyone knows exactly what's about to happen, though she does mix it up by saying that if Dick doesn't vote to keep Daniele in the house, maybe she won't speak to him again for another few years, ha ha ha! Save it for Group. Dick obviously votes to evict Jameka -- nicely stepping on the moment by blathering on about how surprised he was that Daniele vetoed his nomination. Julie's like, "You all set? Jameka, get out." Jameka is relieved and gracious as she hugs everyone and leaves.
Chenderdome. Will Zach and Jameka stay friends in real life? Jameka delivers the most polite "no" possible. Does she believe Dick's attacks on her faith were just gameplay? Kind of, but it was still hurtful. Julie then reminds Jameka of how, when she first arrived in the house, she commented that she wasn't used to being around so many white people. I SO want Julie to go, "Girl, aren't white people wack?" Instead, she just asks how the experience aligned with her expectations, and Jameka very nicely says that white people are just people like anyone else. Aw. I just can't get over how good Jameka looks in this moment: she was really over this game, I think. Daniele is glad she got to know Jameka. Dick says that it's been a pleasure knowing her in the house. Jameka mouths "whatever." Dick then goes on rambling about "fun and games and quarters and LNC," like, you aren't signing a high-school yearbook, Chip, jesus. Zach was grateful to give Jameka the chance to fight back in the game. That kind of seems like a compliment for Zach, but anyway. Julie then replaces Zach's lumpy visage with a photo of Jameka's new niece -- who is, indeed, much cuter than she was when I first saw her two weeks ago. Jameka is very excited to see her and immediately starts crying happy tears. Aw, Jameka. You were kind of ridiculous sometimes with all the God shit, but you seem like a very sweet person and at least you were consistent and sincere.
And then, the final HoH competition. There are three rounds. This part is an endurance competition: everyone's standing on big carrots, holding their keys, which are hanging over their heads from a frame of some kind. There's a rabbit on a big metal pole that is rotating in a circle; when the pole comes your way, you jump over it without losing either your grip on your key, or your footing, when you land back on your carrot. Nothing of note happens.
Commercials.
After commercials, it starts to "rain." According to Daniele, it's cold. And that's all we get for tonight. I so hope that Zach's mind really is a samurai sword, and not a Hello Kitty paperweight.