By Joe R
So previously, Zach got HOH, which made nobody happy, which kind of made me happy, or would have if I watched the show on Sunday. Of course, he then followed the season's game plan of "Don't nominate Dick or Daniele" which made my newfound enthusiasm for Zach plummet. Only four evictions remain before the father-vs.-daughter finale! Can you stand it?? ...Me neither.
Blue-and-white Zach nominates Jessica and Jameka all over again, and we get to once again marinate in the rather hilarious idea that Zach put them both up because they'd be threats to him if he makes Final Two. Because you know who won't be making Final Two? Zach. You know who Thursday's double evictee is most likely going to be? Zach. Of course, he DRs that he's playing the role of "dream crusher" for Jameka and Jessica, so I now officially don't have to feel sorry for him. Jameka and Jessica both immediately call Zach's reasons out as bullshit -- Jameka knows he has a deal with D&D and Jessica knows this is payback for last week. Eric laments in the DR that Jessica's on the block because of his pushing to evict Amber rather than Zach. Partially true, yes, but Jessica also could have gathered up her stones and nominated Dick and Daniele like a smart person and avoided all of this idiocy, so she's at least partially reaping what she's sown.
Jameka and Jess whisper/bitch about the indignity of being possibly evicted by Zach of all ineffectual losers. They both realize their best case scenario is Eric winning the veto and taking one of them off, leaving Zach no choice but to nominate a Donato. Because they apparently still think Eric's going to act in their best interests. I mean, they don't know about America's Player, of course, and that even if Eric could stop fearfully wetting his pants long enough to actually nominate Dick (a huge "if"), he'd eventually be instructed to vote to keep him, leaving Zach as the unreliable tiebreaker. But even still, come on. When was the last time Eric made a game move that benefited either of them, really? They have to have caught on by now, right?
Zach and Daniele confab in the HOH. Their choice of shared mocking is Jessica, and they each try (and fail) to mimic her facial expressions during the nomination ceremony. Zach does better with his rendition of Eric's squirreliness, but...Zach still looks like a mule, you know? Kind of kills the moment. They both also arrive at the "duh" conclusion that Eric winning the veto would be the worst-case scenario.
In the living room, Eric cries to Jameka about how all the choices he's made in the game have somehow fucked him over. Almost as if those decisions are coming from a place that doesn't want Eric to win at all. Mysterious! He's trying to say that he cares about Jessica more than he cares about the game and it's upsetting to him that he may end up being her undoing. You mean after all that sucking up to Dick, gleefully co-signing his atrocious behavior and trying to score points with atrocious behavior of his own (towards Jen specifically) in the vain hope that America will like him better as Dick's lap toad...after all that, Eric still isn't going to be able to win the game and get the girl? Dammit, I know I left my sympathy around here somewhere, but I just can't seem to find it.
In the living room, Eric cries to Jameka about how all the choices he's made in the game have somehow fucked him over. Almost as if those decisions are coming from a place that doesn't want Eric to win at all. Mysterious! He's trying to say that he cares about Jessica more than he cares about the game and it's upsetting to him that he may end up being her undoing. You mean after all that sucking up to Dick, gleefully co-signing his atrocious behavior and trying to score points with atrocious behavior of his own (towards Jen specifically) in the vain hope that America will like him better as Dick's lap toad...after all that, Eric still isn't going to be able to win the game and get the girl? Dammit, I know I left my sympathy around here somewhere, but I just can't seem to find it.
Okay, are you ready for something stupid? How about this: Jessica tells this empty-headed but still kind of funny story about her being in some Girl Scouts pageant-type thing (...I don't know) and answering a question about what she wants to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be the first woman President...or a waitress. Cute, right? Inoffensive. Dick takes it to the Dick step and says, "The first female President...or a stripper." Crass, sure, but he doesn't even say the words "bloody asshole" so by his standards this a nursery rhyme. Anyhoo, Daniele takes it upon herself to do the two things she likes best: 1) making everything about her, and 2) whining about her dad. Daniele bitches that sheeeee's a waitress, and she doesn't apreeeeeciate her dad making comments like that. So then Dick ends up getting pissed and bitching her out for being such an unpleasant brat to him all the time. And you know, she is, but even so I cannot muster a single ounce of sympathy for Dick because why do you think she behaves that way? You know? Dick tries to make the claim that "everything" he says in the house earns him a rebuke from Daniele, which is fucking laughable considering how she essentially took up "standing idly by while my dad hurls violent and bigoted epithets at everyone" as an extracurricular activity for a solid month. This whole segment boils down, as all the Dick-Daniele segments do, to the fact that I really, strongly dislike both of them and couldn't care less about the status of their relationship.
Man...I forgot how quickly this show wears out its welcome once Labor Day rolls around. Sorry about that, you guys. In the future, I'll try to think of other things to say when the show sends me into fits of apathy.
Eric and Jessica. Eric magically comes to the same conclusion the rest of the free world has: the best-case scenario for Jess is if he wins the veto. She tells him she doesn't trust D&D to do right by her and she never has, but Eric says for the time being, her fate is in their hands, so they have to play nice. Jessica then continues to make Eric feel guilty for pushing the Amber elimination, and Eric continues to feel sorry for himself and try to use it as an excuse to feel up on Jess. Jess, as usual, boredly accepts his embrace while looking exceedingly uninterested. She's the weirdest thing. "Win the POV!" she says, in a way which truly seems to indicate that she won't be kissing Eric again unless he gets her off the block. Which is pretty much what Eric deserves, in the game and in life, so I have no objection.
After the break, we see it's the middle of the night and most of the houseguests are asleep, which means they don't notice it when Janelle from seasons 6 and 7 shows up and starts creeping around. So...Janelle. Liked her the first time around. Liked her significantly less the second time around when she decided to buy her own hype, and at ridiculously marked-up prices at that. Her appearance this season is somewhat obligatory, but I suppose she needs something to do in between auditioning to open briefcases on Deal Or No Deal. So Zach has to wake everyone up and they all trudge sleepily into the yard -- which is decked out all in pink. Janelle's signature color, don't you know? She's like Shelby in Steel Magnolias that way. Now if only she'd get kidney failure and die so Kaysar can break down at her funeral and Will can haul Howie in front of him and tell Kaysar to knock his lights out. Anyhoo...
A video screen swirls images around until Janelle's photo becomes visible, and immediately the houseguests start chattering about last season's pretty pink princess. Eric makes two pointed comments about Janelle looking fatter these days (I'd disagree, but I'm preoccupied by my fears that Janey's gonna Hulk Smash her way through skinny bitches like Daniele and Jess -- lady's still built like a very athletic pre-op), and the show spares its guest star the indignity of a close-up on her face as she hears this from her perch hidden behind a wall. She comes running out, and Dick DRs about how Eric must feel like a total dope for ragging on Janelle when she was right there. Eh. I think it's kind of funny that Janelle showed up for this fawning little homecoming visit and got told she looks fat within the first five minutes. How very high school reunion. Predictably, Jessica and Daniele love her. Kind of like how all red-headed comediennes end up saying they look up to Lucille Ball, because if you're funny and you're a red-head, she's the ideal. And if you're blonde and vapid and seek nothing else but the fame and fortune that finishing third place on Big Brother will get you, then Janelle's your Mount Rushmore. Janelle's going to be everyone's Mount Rushmore if she keeps eating the way she's been, but that's another story. (Oh, calm down, she looks perfectly fine.)
So Janelle displays what a fine choice she was to emcee this event by having to bury her face in her cue card so she doesn't fuck it up. Their task -- and I'm going to be omitting all the extraneous Janelle self-aggrandizement because life's too short to listen to her whole shtick for a third year in a row, and...wait, I said I'd think of something else to talk about if I got bitter, so I'll mention that in lieu of recapping this episode, I could be watching Rafael Nadal and his physics-defying butt play into the fourth set of his U.S. Open match. Which...makes me even more bitter. Well there goes that idea. ...Right -- the task! It's the annual head shot mishmash challenge, where they have to identify two evicted houseguests from a swirling conflation of both their faces. Most correct answers wins. The competition itself boils down to the thrill-a-minute excitement of watching people stare at a video screen (they have to get spun around 'til they're dizzy first, but regardless), so I'll just tell you that Daniele wins, thanks to the fact that, as she says, sometimes she just stares at the memory wall for, oh, no reason whatsoever. The wind between your ears whispers "Nick," sweetie. So Jessica, Jameka, and Eric are all saddened by this news, as you might expect. Also: Dick acts like a total disgusting horndog towards Janelle, but we'll have to address that later anyway, unfortunately.
After the break, we're weirdly still lingering at the veto competition, because Janelle needs to have her extended send-off where everyone hugs her and Eric apologizes to her and she hugs Dick for an extra second because she did the math in her head that if America loves Dick and America loves her, then she has to love Dick too. Which...she's put her hands on creepier men in her lifetime, I'm sure.
Back inside, Daniele starts to dance around and gloat about her victory before she notes that Jess and Jameka are pissed. I love that. "Assholes. Ruining my victory dance." So instead she heads on up to the HOH and dances for Zach -- literally this time, not figuratively like when she wanted to keep him from nominating her. Zach's happy as a clam, because he's under the mistaken notion that this all means Daniele likes him now. He tells her they should go ahead and evict Jessica this week so that, with Jameka still HOH-restricted, Daniele and Dick will only have to fend off Eric to regain control of the house. That's exactly right. And that benefits Zach...how, exactly? He certainly is playing the perfect game if his goal is to ensure a Dick-Daniele Final Two.
Eric and Jessica mope and cry in the oversized room. He says that whatever happens with the veto, D&D will still vote Jameka out. Jess, to her credit, doesn't buy that one bit. She is seriously pissed at Eric, and it's wonderful to see. He tries to bluster that he won't allow her to be evicted and she straight-up rolls her eyes at him. Awesome.
So is the "Dick is obsessed with Janelle" segment, wherein Dick laments that he's been stuck inside this house with total dogs like Amber and Jen, so seeing Janelle inside the house made him go all hard or whatever. As if this season wasn't enough like a prison movie, now we've got Dick pining for a conjugal. It's all supremely gross, and frankly there's only so much skeeviness I can be expected to handle at one time on this show, and I've discovered that Dick drooling over a giggly Janelle while DRing every degrading opinion he's ever had about the women in the house, all the while knowing that Janelle probably would lower herself to have sex with Dick if she thought it would make her one iota more famous than she is now is my limit. I've saturated myself on sleaze. segment.
Eric and Dick talk strategy in the hot tub. Speaking of saturated sleaze. Eric makes his weasely argument that booting Jameka is a no-brainer because they have to get rid of her before she can compete in HOH. Yeah, but she's got one more week where she can't, Einstein. He fares a little better by playing to Dick's hateful instincts, saying how much it would crush Dustin, Amber, and Jen in the jury house if they saw Jameka show up . Except for the fact that there isn't even a jury house because Jen refused to go and the show caved to her demands rather than face the PR nightmare of having her take her tales of show-sponsored verbal and physical abuse to the media and possibly the courts JUST A THEORY OF COURSE. Anyway, Eric DRs that Jameka's a lock for elimination, while Dick more convincingly DRs that he and Daniele can do whatever the hell they want to do with this vote because they constitute the majority. Which is exactly what Zach warned Jessica would happen last week not that she bothered to listen until it was too late.
That (?) night, Eric once again tries to convince Jessica that she won't be evicted this week. Jessica continues to not buy it. Hilariously, one of Eric's reasons is that Zach (who has no further say in this eviction whatsoever) knows that if Jess gets the boot, he'll have to feel the wrath of Eric week. HA! Tremble in fear, land dwellers, the Nipple Rings Of Retribution have spoken! Actually, that's probably exactly how Thursday's second eviction will go -- Eric wins HOH and Zach goes home. But considering that would have been Eric's plan anyway, a hearty SHUT UP, ERIC is more than called for. Eric ends this little pep talk with some of that awkwardly unsatisfying kissing that's been sweeping the nation. Jessica's inner monologue, as ever: "At least it's not Dick, y'all!"
America's Player. It's Tuesday, which means it's time for Eric to get a lame behavior-based task rather than a strategic task. This week? "Mimic the actions and words of the houseguest America has chosen." LAME! America has chosen Dick, which makes no damn sense at all, beyond the fact that I guess everybody likes Dick so much that now that want to see two people acting like he does. Furthermore, Eric goes about accomplishing this task in the most pussy way imaginable. The spirit of the task seemed to instruct Eric to essentially mock the intended target by aping their words and actions. The way Eric plays it, he just follows Dick around, copying his movements and repeating his words like he's playing that echo game from when you were eight years old. You know, the "Why do you keep repeating me?"/"Why do you keep repeating me?" game. It's so lame. Dick, of course, thinks it's hilarious, because he can be quite good natured when everything's coming up roses for him, game-wise. Eric pathetically DRs that Dick was a good choice for this task because Dick has "pranked" him numerous times (like all the times he threatened to kick his ass a month ago?), and this can only bring them closer together in a "shared moment of hilarity." It's just so sad the way Eric sucking up to Dick. Not just sucking up, but offering himself up on a platter to be ridiculed and humiliated all so Dick will like him. Case in point: Dick starts getting annoyed by the mimicking, so he starts flinging spoonfuls of cereal and milk at Eric's face. Eric, still mimicking but still so very afraid, opts not to fling cereal back at Dick, but to pantomime flinging empty spoonfuls. So Eric ends up covered in cereal and milk, nervously giggling and hoping this will finally get him that pledge pin he's been after. It's like if Lars Von Trier started making movies about fidgety little weasel guys instead of blonde women.
Dick and Daniele talk strategy in the yard. They know that with two votes and the veto, they can evict either Jameka, Jessica, or Eric on their own. Daniele notes that Jameka hasn't won anything, which is kind of stupid considering she hasn't been able to participate in half the competitions for the past month. She then hilariously tries to paint Eric's game-play as "dirty, deceitful, and manipulating," as opposed to her and her dad, who I guess have played clean or right or whatever the word is. They kept it real, yo! "I'm not the type of person in life who goes and screws people over," DRs Dick. I...haven't the energy to explain how stupid that is. Daniele's decision? They either have to screw Eric and Jess over...or not. Illuminating!
After the break, it's time for Daniele to do some of that staring at the memory wall that she seems to like so much. This time it's because the producer's told her to, as it's Contemplate Using The Veto time. "My options are absolutely plentiful," she says from the DR. You have three options, dear. Your "plentiful" options top out at three: veto Jess, veto Jameka, don't use the veto. The super-special "veto Jen off the jury and replace her with Nick so as to increase my odds of winning" power hasn't been bestowed on you...yet. Jess DRs that she'd "much rather" see herself vetoed and replaced with Eric, because if one of them is going to get the boot, she'd much rather it be Eric. That is so romantic it should be accompanied by little cartoon bluebirds, you know? Eric continues to delude himself into thinking keeping Jess and booting Jameka is in everyone's best interests rather than just his own.
At the veto ceremony itself, nothing noteworthy happens. Jameka and Jess beg for their lives, Daniele dicks around for a few "dramatic" seconds, and then just as we all figured, she doesn't use the veto. Jameka and Jess DR that they don't want to go home. We'll find out on Thursday, and as an added bonus, we'll get rid of another one of these fools. Probably Zach. Maybe Eric. Certainly not Dick, nor Daniele. Not before we reach the supremely satisfying conclusion to their daddy/daughter drama.
...Almost over now. Almost over.