Previously: Jessica nominated Zach and Amber, and she wondered if it was "the biggest mistake ever." America attempted to hold signs reading "YES" up to its TV screens, but to no avail. Eric was ordered by our collective sorry asses to get Amber sent home, so he set about talking Jessica into it. When Eric won the veto, Zach tried to talk him into getting rid of Dick or Daniele, and of course Eric tattled like a bitch, and the Eric/Jessica/Dick/Daniele alliance wound up getting Amber out while developing a severe hate for Zach. As for HoH, it had begun but was not determined as of the end of the last show, so America was holding its breath, presumably praying for the continuation of Dick and Daniele's reign over the house, because America still, always and forever, is kind of an asshole a lot of times, at least as far as its taste in Big Brother contestants. (But we'll get back to Janelle later.) That, and the contribution to global warming.
Credits. I'm kind of glad to see Amber walking out of the house. She needed the break, because her belfry really didn't have room for one more bat. And oh, poor Kail, stuck in the bunny suit for eternity.
We blue-and-white through the Amber-viction once again, and Dick tells us how "full of crap" that "self-righteous bitch" was, because there's nothing more graceful, not to mention courageous, than attacking a weepy goofball when she's already defeated. He's a lovely person. I can see why "America" wants to be his best pal. Jessica reminds us that she personally wanted to boot Zach, but Eric talked her into getting rid of Amber. She is unaware that we are to blame. I hope we can live with ourselves. Jameka is understandably bummed about losing her last ally, and she hopes to "make her proud." And when Amber left, she and Jameka cried together like it was Jesus' going-away party. We slide to color, and Zach says, somewhat obviously, that it was great for him not to go home this week. Eric, similarly obviously but much more smugly, tells us that he was happy about getting rid of Amber, because it was "what America wanted." Daniele condescends to a weeping Jameka that "it gets easier." Presumably, Daniele is equating her boo-hoo-ing over Nick with this. I wonder if Daniele has any awareness that no matter how many times she sits in the DR all smug about how much of a genius she is, her insistence on treating her "relationship" with Nick like a Shakespearean tragedy makes her look like a real Cup-o-Noodles, intelligence-wise.
We then return to the HoH competition, in which everyone playing -- Dick, Daniele, Zach, and Eric -- must use a tiny cup to fill up a big tank with tea and float a ball to the top. Of course, the show being what it is, they spray a slippery substance I think they're trying to pass off as "honey" for the tea, so that the lanes people are running up and down to ferry cups of tea from tank to ball get all slippery. (My MS, merrily: "I hope someone gets a concussion!") Dick tells us that he had a hard time, because he's old and a smoker. Zach says his plan to soak up all the honey by rolling around in it didn't work too well for him. Just another example of how a contestant on this show can never, ever get clean. Dick reports that the competition seemed to be "three against one" in the HoH competition, and that they were feeling good about beating Zach and remaining in control. Zach, on the other hand, is not cooperating with this plan, in that he's not doing too badly. He tells us that he knew he was up against it and had to do "whatever it takes." Delightfully, Eric can't stay on his feet at all. This leads to a great montage of Eric falling on his ass and usually spilling his tea, and I am entirely in favor of that. If there was an America's Player question I missed in which we collectively instructed him to fall on his ass every fifteen seconds or so, and particularly if we specified that he should splay his arms and legs all over the place while doing so, then I heartily congratulate us on doing one thing right this summer. Jameka reminds us that she still has to sit out HoH.
Daniele calls for a hair tie, which is the most interesting thing she's done so far. While looking for it, Jameka moans to herself about Amber. Why is Jameka fetching Daniele a hair tie? Is Daniele sprayed with something that makes people want to act like they like her?
Daniele says that she was bad at the competition, because she has such delicate, pretty, tiny little legs. It takes a talented self-deluder to use your poor performance in a competition as an opportunity to compliment your skinny legs. Seriously -- she's not short, so it's not like she's slow because she has short legs. She just feels that the tiny-ness that she works so hard to cultivate might be the reason she's not great at this. I think not.
There is an announcement from Big Brother that, instead of putting your tea into the big tank, you can use a few trips to fill a small beaker, and the first to do so gets a phone call from home, which you can keep or give away. Because he's a total disaster with regard to the competition anyway, Eric decides to give up and go for the phone call. (MS: "I hate Eric's family in advance.") Daniele, on the other hand, decides to stay with the contest. She wants the win! The win! I half-expect at any time a change in the rules stating that any blood relatives in the competition can combine their tanks into one and be co-HoHs. If, you know, there happen to be any blood relatives.
The contest progresses, and now Zach seems to have pulled ahead. There is a new announcement, which says that each person now has the option to use one or two additional cups to make the whole thing go faster, but for each cup used (total), the house goes on cold water for a day. So when everyone takes both cups, the result is that the house will be on cold water only for a total of eight days. That won't be fun. Yay! I'm not sure why Eric took the two cups, considering that he's so far out of it.
Dick insists that having been a waiter was a big help to him in carrying these cups around. I'm just happy to see how drowned-ratty he looks now that he's all wet. Without his produce-enhanced do, he just looks like a sad dude you'd see unsuccessfully trying to pick up chicks at Forever 21 and getting chased out by security. Zach tells us that he ultimately returned to using two cups instead of all three, which means he could move a lot faster.
Dick reminds us that before the live show, he had attacked Zach, so he knows that he's in big trouble if Zach becomes HoH. We learn that Zach accused Dick of having an "obtuse way of thinking" during this discussion, which is great, because Dick doesn't really know what that means. What's also great is that Zach is really not thrown by the discussion with Dick; he's just disgusted. Dick tries and tries to upset Zach, and Zach just sips his drink and acts like Dick is crazy and doesn't even raise his voice. Dick keeps screaming and yelling and calling Zach names, and Zach kind of knows not to take it to heart too much. Zach is now my favorite player by far. Kind of dumb, and making his big move way too late, but still.
Dick tells us that the contest came down to him and Zach. Dad versus dude. Zach says he was purely focused on winning. "It's up to me," Dick says seriously of his responsibility to his alliance. "Zach can't win this HoH."
After a set of commercials, we return to the competition, of course. Zach is still only using two cups to Dick's three, which means that he's carrying less water but moving faster. Dick reminds us yet again that he needed to win in order to keep control in the game. And then, all of a sudden, Zach's ball has floated to the top, and it's over. Zach is HoH. The only person expressing happiness is Zach himself, because he's surrounded by graceless assholes who can't even congratulate a guy on a victory if it doesn't benefit them. Eric calls himself "embarrassed and ashamed" about his loss, but he also makes sure to call Zach an "oaf" and a "moron." I really don't think that's the case, considering that Zach's not the one who spent the entire time falling on his ass. Furthermore, none of this even feels genuine coming from Eric. It all feels like it's calculated either to suck up to America or to curry favor with Dick. As my MS noted this week: "Eric isn't a bully. Eric is a toady."
Speaking of America's Toady, he reflects on Zach's victory by calling it "an absolute nightmare." He also thinks it may make things difficult for Jessica, so he's very unhappy about that. As the contest is winding down, Jessica (as competition host) reminds Eric that he has a call from home, and asks if he wants to give the call away or keep it. Eric claims that he almost gave it to Jameka, since she's had no contact with home, but he winds up giving it to Jessica. Jessica says she's hoping to hear from her brother, who's supposed to be home from Iraq, but Eric's reason for giving it to her was undoubtedly boobie-related. As somber music plays, Eric talks about how he spent the whole week convincing Jessica to boot Amber by telling Jessica that Zach was a weak player who wouldn't win competitions. Apparently, Jessica said she was afraid of Zach nominating her, and that he kept telling her it wouldn't happen. He's...actually crying, I think, as he can't reassure her anymore. I can't believe Jessica believed Eric when he implied that he could somehow protect her. With what, magic whining?
Daniele tells Dick she doesn't think Zach will put Dick up. She claims that she has pull with Zach based on this friendship they've developed (yuck), and she thinks he'll put up Jessica and Jameka. Dick is not reassured. Elsewhere, Eric continues to profusely apologize to Jessica for pretty much being wrong about everything and steering her away from everything that it would have been a good idea for her to do. He says they'll have to hope Jameka gets the boot. Eric swears that he will offer Zach "the sun, the moon, and the stars" to keep Jessica in the house. Eric has no access to any of those things.
Zach, of course, asks who wants to see his HoH room, and everybody tries to ignore him, because once again: graceless assholes. He eventually drags everybody up there, where he gets the food and the pictures. Eric gripes to the camera about how much he didn't care about seeing Zach's pictures, and then bored music plays as everyone conspicuously makes it clear that Zach is the new Jen ("We hate him together, which makes us awesome!"), and they gradually wander off like the extraordinarily poor sports they are. Well, they all wander off except Daniele.
Daniele stays behind to get after Zach. She tells him that her dad feels nervous, and Zach reminds her that Dick did threaten him and swear at him and scream at him and call him names. Daniele tells Zach that she hates her dad as well. Zach asks if she'll tell Dick everything she says, and she lies she won't, and Zach believes her, because she's so good at acting like she means it when she says she doesn't love the way her dad acts like a violent, bigoted bully on her behalf. Zach talks about how "embarrassing" he thinks Dick's behavior is, and he comes off quite like a level-headed adult. Daniele tells him that he'd better be really careful, and pretty much warns him that if he crosses her dad, her dad will come after him. In other words, "Yes, I agree with you that criminals are sooooo corrupt and bad, and I hate them, too -- especially that one guy who collects money for me. He's such a total jerk that if you don't give him five grand, he's totally going to have you killed. I just haaaaate him." Asked if he's planning to put Dick up, Zach says he doesn't know. He DRs that he really doesn't want to keep Dick. "Can you really trust a guy named Dick?" he asks. Hey, we were all thinking it.
After the break, Eric and Jessica are canoodling in bed. Jessica is dissing Zach and Dick, and she talks about "learning to trust people." On that point, she asks Eric whether he cast the weird-ass votes at the beginning of the game that got blamed on Nick, and he tells her frankly that he did. She barely believes it, and he explains to us that he really, really wants to tell her the truth because of his feelings for her, and that he wants to tell her he's America's Player, but he's "simply not allowed" to do that. "Nick really did take the fall," he chuckles to Jessica. Eric proceeds to give Jessica a series of untrue answers about the reasons behind the random votes, and he even winds up telling her that he put the mustard in Jen's bed. He claims this was "a straight-up joke," and that he then decided not to take the blame for it when he saw how upset everyone was. "You are good," Jessica says. I think she and I use language differently. She DRs that Eric's game is more complicated than she thought, but she says, "I trust Eric, still." And then she kind of looks around the DR like she's checking it for grasshoppers, which doesn't make it look like she entirely trusts Eric. She asks why he told her all this, and he says something about "what may be developing" and how he doesn't want there to be any surprises. She's all, "Oh, Eric," in this way that indicates that a little night-vision smooching is most likely all he's getting, and all he would ever get even if she weren't scheduled to start hating his guts in a few weeks.
Jessica gets her call from her brother, who is indeed home. She says she's sorry she missed the homecoming. He asks her how the show is, and she says it's "so much fun" and she loves it, but it's really stressful. (MS: "You know what I'd be talking about to my brother who just got back from Iraq? How stressful my time on Big Brother is. Because the thing is, he can relate.") He tells her people are buying "Booyah" shirts like the one she has. So they're sticking to the important subjects, is what it is. He tells her he loves her, and they sign off. She hangs up and cries. Support our troops! And also Dick! Jessica tells us she's really happy to know her brother is home, because being gone when he got back was the worst part of coming on the show. She goes and tells everyone, and she gets big hugs from everybody, including Eric, who is getting big points for giving her the phone call. Not boobie-touching points, but points. She tells us that it was so wonderful to hear her brother's voice. She tells us that if he can make it through a war, she can certainly make it through a TV show. I was afraid she was going in that direction. (MS: "At least she acknowledged that war is harder.")
When we return, it's time for Eric to go into the booth and find out the America's Player assignment. Who should he get nominated? Jameka. I still hate America. Like, America the voter, of course. Eric says that this will be a super-easy assignment. We watch as Eric goes to visit with Zach, asking him "what's shaking." Zach doesn't give Eric the spine-crushing he deserves, but reports that he's attempting to pick his own brain, which is new to me. Eric tells Zach that he thinks Jameka should be put up and should go home, because she's impossible to beat at the end. Zach points out that Jameka hasn't done anything. Eric accuses Jameka of having "natural leadership and charisma," and he seems to be serious about it. Really? Jameka? Has leadership and...charisma? In the DR, Eric tells us that he tried really hard to get Jameka nominated. Zach tells Eric that he still doesn't really know what the best course of action is.
Daniele pulls her dad aside for a talk. She tells us that getting rid of Eric or Jessica would solve a lot of problems for her or for her dad, and they can now do it without getting themselves in trouble. Daniele goes out to talk to Zach, who's floating in the pool. She tells him she has "information." She swears him to secrecy, but she says that if Jessica or Eric doesn't go home this week, Zach will go home week, absent Daniele getting HoH. Pressed for some explanation as to how she knows this or what the hell she's talking about, Daniele simply repeats to Zach that Eric and Jessica want to get rid of him. He doesn't really seem surprised by that part. Despite all Daniele's claims of secrecy, Dick kind of ruins the mood by coming out to the pool, where he starts in on all this same stuff. Zach asks for reassurance that if he puts up Eric and Jessica, he won't be put up by Dick or Daniele week, and they agree. And why not trust them, really?
And now: America's Player! Whom should Eric cruelly mimic to show them how annoying they are? Can I vote that Eric mock himself? Come to think of it, can I vote that Eric punch himself in the face?
When we get back, it's almost time for nominations. Daniele tells us that Zach is a back-scratching kind of guy, so having chosen twice not to put him up, she's not worried at all. Eric tells us that Zach is a big loser who will have his one moment to take out one person. That's one more than Eric's had, you'll notice. Jessica says that she nominated Zach last week, so she's pretty damn sure she's on the hook this week. Zach is conflicted, but I'm not sure why, really. Jameka says she doesn't think she's the target, but anything can happen, and so forth. Zach says he wants to take out threats to himself, and he has to work all the angles. He's an angle-working man!
Zach brings out the great big box of keys. He announces that it's a very hard choice, and that he didn't decide until the last minute, basing it on his relationships. "That being said," he will declare the first person safe. And it's Dick. Way to go, idiot. Dick pulls Daniele's name. Daniele pulls Eric's name. This entire thing is just so damn stupid at this point. You might as well hand Dick and Daniele the money. Zach says he's nominated Jameka because their "social situations haven't evolved." He says that she has good relationships with other people, though. As for Jessica, Zach says he gets why she put him up, but everyone likes her, so he fears her at the end. Jessica says that Zach just took the "cop-out" because he didn't want to nominate Dick or Daniele. Jameka says she can't wait for POV. Zach says he has no regrets. "Hopefully, I'll conquer," he says. The incredibly smug Daniele brags about how her relationship with Zach paid off. Eric says he blames himself for Jessica being nominated, and he thinks she blames him, too. He couldn't be more devastated. I vote for Eric to be stung by a bee.
: A lot of other things, but mostly, goddamn Janelle comes back, which I fortunately do not have to recap.