By Miss Alli
Previously: America could seriously kiss my ass.
We blue-and-white back to the eviction of Dustin (I bet he really regrets those V-necks now that he's seen himself on television), and to the surprise of zero viewers, Amber weeps inconsolably in the DR about how alone she is now. She has the dreaded terrarium disease, where the turtles forget everything but the glass box. Dick is gloating about how amazing it is that his homophobic, violent tirades haven't hurt him. Jessica basically says she's glad she got rid of Dustin without having to do anything herself to alienate anyone.
Eric tells us that he feels "great" about the fact that "the blood is on our hands." He means my hands, your hands, and his hands. Because he doesn't know that you and I both despise him. Or I'm suspecting that you do, just statistically. Daniele, of course, is "ecstatic" that her dad is still there, because she is so caught up in the codependency of it all that she can't see straight. I used to see her as a sort of emotionally abused kid who couldn't cut the strings because she so badly wanted some kind of relationship with her father, but now I see her more as a spoiled, manipulative bitch who's figured out that the guilt and embarrassment her psycho father feels about their broken relationship can be leveraged to enable her to get what she wants.
Eric tries to make amends with Jameka, but she's not having it. "Nothing makes sense," she DRs. Dustin's picture fades to black and white, and the sun goes down on him.
The sun never really rises on Amber, because she's in the DR crying about how she got played, which is so unfair, because she never plays anyone. "I'm so confu-u-used," she sobs. Get that lady a towel! She and Jameka commiserate about how much everyone sucks, and Jameka says in the DR that she blames Eric, noting that Eric's apparent backstabbing of Dustin kind of sucks extra, given that Dustin saved Eric's ass last week. The funny thing is that Jameka and Amber have something in common besides cluelessness, in that they both believe that there should be an internal logic to week-to-week actions including something other than attempting to save your own ass, and ironically, in Eric's case, there really is a secret internal logic of sorts, which is that he does whatever America tells him to do. In other news, Amber can hear Dustin's disembodied voice in her head telling her to be strong in the house. His disembodied voice is, of course, wearing a gray V-neck, of which it has several.
We are reminded of the HoH competition, in which Daniele became HoH by knowing that it was false that somebody-or-other had seven cards in his hat, because he only had six. Amber reveals that she remembered only six cards in the hat and not seven, but seven was her lucky number, so she said it was true that there were seven. Like, for real. She knew there were six, but she said seven because it's her "lucky number." I can't help thinking that in many of your major religions, God frowns on the use of "lucky numbers" and other false idols. Anyway, Daniele rejoices, along with her nitwit father, because they're both a couple of users, riding their relationship with each other to try to win money. Amber tells us that she knows there will be a target on herself and Jameka. Eric congratulates himself and Jessica for aligning with Dick and Daniele.
We are reminded of the HoH competition, in which Daniele became HoH by knowing that it was false that somebody-or-other had seven cards in his hat, because he only had six. Amber reveals that she remembered only six cards in the hat and not seven, but seven was her lucky number, so she said it was true that there were seven. Like, for real. She knew there were six, but she said seven because it's her "lucky number." I can't help thinking that in many of your major religions, God frowns on the use of "lucky numbers" and other false idols. Anyway, Daniele rejoices, along with her nitwit father, because they're both a couple of users, riding their relationship with each other to try to win money. Amber tells us that she knows there will be a target on herself and Jameka. Eric congratulates himself and Jessica for aligning with Dick and Daniele.
Daniele tells us that this week, everyone will be nervous. I have grown to despise her utterly, almost as much as I do her father. She "jokingly" tells Eric and Jessica that they're "suckers" and they're going home. But she kids! She and Dick talk in the bedroom, gloating and rejoicing, and I bet he's so happy, he could just go beat the shit out of a guy he found too "princessy." Or kill a woman and rape her corpse, as he recently "joked" about doing to the departed Carol on the live feeds. Dick has, as you may or may not know, made graphic references to raping both Jen and Dustin, none of which CBS is really in a position to show, which is the irony of his behavior -- the more outrageous it is, the more they can't even really convey it on a network show even if they want to. Even with bleeping, even if they were desperate to bust him, they can't include enough information in an 8:00 prime-time show to make it clear that a guy is getting his kicks fantasizing out loud about raping a woman until she bleeds to death. Everyone who has noted that this problematic paradox of "the worse you are, the less they can show it" has kept him looking more like a silly rebel and less like a psycho is absolutely right. I don't think this stuff is omitted from the broadcast because anyone likes him; I think this stuff is left out because anal rape is not the stuff of prime-time diverting summer TV. CBS doesn't want to fill its 8:00 hour with violent rants. And if you leave out everything he says and does that's way off of the FCC's permissible grid, there's not much left other than his whining about wanting things to be better with Daniele.
Jessica tries to evade responsibility for what happened in a conversation with Jameka. She DRs that she really likes Jameka, and Jameka is also a vote in the house, so she'd like to remain on good terms. Jessica admits that she and Eric switched sides, stating that they know where Dick stands, and they didn't know where Dustin stood. Jameka worries aloud about whether Eric has other deals, and Jessica says she'll ditch him if he does. Like, would other deals with a few million other people voting by text message count? Because I'm thinking he has one of those. Jameka is fully aware that there's more to all this than meets the eye, but Jessica is avoiding saying that it's Eric.
Daniele's HoH room includes a picture of her and her dad both sporting incredibly bad hair, which is by far the least odious moment featuring them in several episodes. There are no pictures of Daniele's boyfriend, but there is a letter from Nick, which has Daniele grinning and giggling. Eric can't believe that the letter Nick sent, which is essentially arranged like a scrapbook page, has so many "glitter hearts." Eric...has a point, which it pains me to point out. Daniele reads part of Nick's stupid letter in which he calls her "purty" and says that his cat says hi. She tells us that this letter meant a lot to her. Apparently, her boyfriend does not, since she doesn't think much of emotionally cuckolding him on national television.
Daniele talks to Amber outside, and Daniele tries to be all buddy-buddy, and Amber is surprisingly receptive, given the fact that if she has a brain cell still operative (which is doubtful), she should know she's getting nominated. They agree that they are "there for" each other, which means that this expression officially has no meaning.
And now a montage in which Amber asks what words mean. It turns out that Amber is unfamiliar with the meanings of...kind of a lot of words. And not really hard words. Words like "ridicule" and "integrity." Some of them are usage issues (like what "outed" means), but some of them are...I mean, asking people what does "ridicule" mean? I admit, this is odd and suggests to me that either she went to a very bad school or she's just one of those people where vocabulary is not the strong suit.
Eric pays a visit to Amber in which he plays at being sympathetic to her, but he tells her that he just wants them to be able to talk to each other directly. He tells her that the choice to move against Dustin was strategic and very hard for him, and that he didn't think the five of them (him, Jessica, Dustin, Jameka, and Amber) could get to the end as a group, and he thought he'd be the first target when one of the Other People won HoH. Amber says she no longer trusts him or Jessica, but Eric assures Amber that he cares about her. Amber says maybe they should all talk about whether they're still all together, which...is pretty dumb. Five of you aren't in it together anymore when two of you just voted out one of you. In the DR, Amber says that she actually is totally holding this against Eric, even though she's telling him it's all right. I guess that's one mini-vote in favor of her not being totally ridiculous.
And now: the beer pong segment. Eric explains the rules. It's a drinking game involving throwing things into cups, and if you've never watched the feeds, you should know that they do this a lot. And they tend to bet on the outcome, and since they don't really even have anything to bet with, they tend to wager their dignity, which sure as hell has to be a metaphor for something. One bet that Eric loses requires him to run around in women's booty shorts. Another requires him and Jessica to wear each other's clothes. Eric wears a black-and-white dress that I distinctly remember seeing on Jessica, and Jessica says that Eric's "long, slender legs" actually looked pretty good in the dress. Eric calls himself a "petite fellow" who looked good in the dress, which was kind of a bummer for him. Okay, that segment was a little funny. Hey, anything's funnier than Dick describing new ways he's thought of to kill women.
Jameka and Amber have a discussion with Dick in which Jameka tells him to tell her something she doesn't know. I don't know why he would give her information simply because she wants some. He dodges, going on about how he tormented everyone to try to get them to vote him out instead of Daniele, and how Dustin going up on the block helped him stay. I'm not sure what Jameka learned from that, or what she thought she was going to learn, but all that happened was the extended remix of his gloat melody. When he's gone, Amber and Jameka finally figure out that there simply has to be an F4 alliance between Dick, Daniele, Eric, and Jessica. Which is true! I can't believe those two figured it out.
Back from commercials, everyone gets into togas for the food competition, which involves a giant simulation of beer pong. The houseguests divide into teams. Dick, Zach, Jessica, and Eric team up against Amber, Jameka, Daniele, and Jen. So you have one team consisting of four people who all play beer pong, and on the other side, you have three people who don't play beer pong and one (Daniele) who sort of does. I wonder who will win!
Predictably, the victory goes to the team that plays a similar game all the time. So Amber and Jameka, who just got hosed in the last vote and are probably about to get nominated, are also on slop now. Great time for those two ladies. I wonder how Jameka thinks this plays into God's plan. Maybe God loves farting. In better news, the entire house, including people on slop (like Jen, who's on slop forever because of her veto competition wagering a few weeks back) will get a feast. Jameka tells us she hopes being on slop might make her less of a target. Oh, Jameka. Daniele, incidentally, is not on slop anyway, because she's HoH. So this hit solely Amber and Jameka, as far as the loss.
When the houseguests get inside, the table has been replaced with a smaller one. As usual, this leads to a lot of quasi-profound discussion of what it means that the table is getting smaller, the pool of people is getting smaller, and so forth. Daniele senses that she's getting closer and closer to F2, and if you haven't figured out yet that Dick and Daniele are going to be the final two, you haven't been paying attention. I didn't think anything was ever going to gross me out more than watching the Erika/Mike finale, but I think I'll plan to be sick that week and let Wing or Joe do the weecapping.
Eric tells Jessica that they are now officially "bad-asses." I would call for a definition on that one, I believe. Dick lurks in the room, teasing them about kissing. Everyone blushes as Dick endeavors to make them uncomfortable, and why Eric is choosing to chuckle along with this after the way Dick used to stand over him screeching and berating is simply beyond my comprehension.
Jen and Daniele talk. Daniele claims not to know what she's going to do, because she doesn't want to admit that the answer is that she's going to do whatever her daddy tells her to do. Daniele complains in the DR about how every time Jen has been on the block, she's gotten herself off.
Eric's instruction from us is to get Amber nominated. He says this will be very easy.
Dick and Eric visit Daniele in the HoH to tell her what to do. They all gloat about how well it's going, and Eric talks about how they've all "elevated" themselves, and how they aren't here to lose to "the likes of Amber." Eric says he wants to see Amber on the block, just to fuck with her, even if she's not meant to go home, because he'd enjoy seeing her cry a lot. "I think we should try to bury Amber's spirits entirely," Eric says gleefully. Daniele says she doesn't know how she feels about Eric. I say we bury his spirits entirely.
Our new America's Player question says that Eric is going to give his childhood "woobie" to someone in the house. To whom do we want it given? At the moment, I wouldn't mind seeing him give it to Julie Chen on his way out the door. Besides, I think Julie Chen would enjoy a woobie.
When we return, it's almost time for nominations, and it's so suspenseful -- what will happen? Amber knows she has a good chance of going up, but her reasoning is that she's a threat because she gets along with everyone. Jen says Daniele told her she's not going up, but Jen isn't sure. Jameka says she thinks she could go up. She knows her position is not very secure, to say the least. Daniele says that everyone now will go to the jury house, so she's trying to be very careful about how she does it. Eric says he's taking Daniele and Dick at their word that after he saved them, they will at least give him one week before they turn on him, since that's "the least they can do." Kind of like Eric did after Dustin saved him. Oh, wait -- he didn't. I guess that was less than the least he could do, huh?
Nomination ceremony. Everybody is safe except Amber and Jameka, so that's not too surprising. Daniele lies that she nominated them because everyone likes them, which is not true. Jameka falls back on how it's all preordained, and she's just trying to make God smile. Amber says that God has told her she's going to win POV. Seriously, she says this. I think God needs a better publicist to squash these rumors and send the occasional cease-and-desist letter. Daniele says that Jen is her actual target, so her plan is to keep her away from the veto and then put her up -- the classic "back-dooring."
I fucking hate this show. In my entire history of recapping, including the Mike Boogie fiasco and a bunch of episodes of Married By America, I've never thought to myself, "I really wish I weren't covering it, because then I wouldn't have to watch it." Seriously, if I weren't here for you people, I would not watch another episode for the rest of the season, and I'm not just saying that, either. I skipped a few seasons of this show in the middle there, and I didn't really miss it, and I wouldn't miss it again. But like Rod Tidwell, I do what I say I'm going to do, so I'll see you all again soon. I encourage you to stop watching the show and rely solely on us. We'll tell you if anything important happens, which it won't.