Never let it be said that I do not take one for the team when the situation calls for it. We at TWoP felt like even though it's really not our thing, we just had to get a look at the Big Brother After Dark live feed show on Showtime Too. So you know, this is not an edited set of feed highlights -- this is just plain old feeds, from 12:00 AM to 3:00 AM Eastern, which is 9:00 PM to 12:00 AM Houseguest. I would sooner submerge my head in a pot of boiling tar than sit in front of my computer watching these people eat and scratch themselves all day, but research is research. I kind of wanted to know (having never really recovered from seeing someone say that she had just finished watching seventeen hours of live feeds without interruption): What the hell is the fascination? So on Wednesday night, the day before Thursday's live show, I sat down and watched three damn hours of this, with a friend close by to keep me awake, and I kept a diary. So...enjoy?
12:00 AM: Julie Chen gives the intro to what is known as Big Brother After Dark, which sounds a lot more like porn than this is going to be. When we join the show, Dustin is standing in front of a giant sunflower while Jessica talks about...something. They appear to be talking strategy, but Dustin is also stretching. Jameka is eating spaghetti. Jessica, it turns out, is in bed, and they're all reviewing a sequence of things that includes a pirate, rabbits, and a statue. Really. What is she talking about? Cartoons? They're clearly trying to figure out what something means, and Dustin believes that a lot of arm motions will help him make sense of it. [Note: As you know if you watched Thursday night's show, they are discussing the various "visitors" about whom they were quizzed for the HoH competition, and the incredible energy you will now see them devote to figuring out what the secret meaning of all the sayings and props might be was utterly, entirely wasted, because all they had to do was answer quiz questions about the details. That makes the three hours much, much funnier.]
12:02 AM: At this point, my best friend and Music Stylist signs on to IM to keep me company and remarks, "I was looking for a test pattern I could watch, but all I could find was Big Brother After Dark." Dustin mentions a barbershop quartet, and now I feel like I'm in the middle of Yellow Submarine. The thing I learn from watching this -- and I have been assured that I will not really understand what anyone is like until I do -- is that it's REALLY loud when Jameka blows her nose while wearing her body mic. And then Eric enters the room, and Dustin's like, "We're talking -- get out!" And then he's like, "Psych!" Because to Dustin, that's comedy.
12:05 AM: It's very hard to tell what they're talking about, except that they're trying to figure out what something means, and "figuring out" is not, as a general matter, these particular people's strong suit. "Three can keep a secret when two are dead" seems to be something they've heard someone say. Dustin wonders whether there's a twist having to do with the fact that both he and Nick are from Minnesota. They are? How embarrassing. I'm glad I don't live there anymore.
12:06 AM: Jameka continues eating spaghetti. Jessica continues thinking. Both of them are making smacking noises, though Jessica's are inside her brain. The houseguests attempt to suss out a saying that they heard go by, and their recitation is as follows: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, if at first...when first you are trained to deceive." [Note: We learned later that this had been read to them correctly as "when first we practice to deceive." They made up the part that was about to sound something like "if at first you don't deceive, try, try again."]
12:09 AM: I hear Dustin breathing. I really wish I knew what all these clues they're discussing were, because out of context, Dustin somberly intoning that "five plus one is six" is not, in and of itself, all that compelling. Apparently, there was a mime, and he displayed what Dustin called "five motions," which he names as "fighting, anguish, archery, think," and then…something else he can't think of. I tell the Music Stylist, "This is like watching potatoes try to do a crossword puzzle."
12:12 AM: MS: "To make this experiment a little more exciting, you should have taken an Ambien at the stroke of midnight. Who will win: your will, or the pill you've just swallowed?"
12:14 AM: I make it fourteen minutes before thinking for the first time, "Seriously, I cannot believe anyone watches this on purpose who isn't being paid to be here."
12:15 AM: We switch to Zach and Amber, where Zach is explaining his ability to construct 3D worlds. As part of his job, I think/hope. He tells her that drawing her would be hard, and then we immediately switch back to Dustin and Jessica, because someone was terrified of that conversation in which Zach explained about creating realities of his own. But soon, we return to Zach, who's explaining that he can create props like they use in the challenges. He can make animatronic birds. He actually proudly states that he's the kind of guy who could think up the idea of having the birds poop on the houseguests, like they did during the hanging-upside-down HoH challenge Daniele won.
12:17 AM: Dustin does some more yoga, because it helps him think. Yes, that's it. And then we go back to Zach, but the instant he mentions the name of BB producer Alison Grodner in connection with trying to hustle to get people interested in the TV shows he's developing, we go right back to Dustin and Jessica. This is the only part I think is actually interesting so far, is watching as the panicky feed controllers decide what they can and ought to show us. Zach! No, Jessica! No, Zach! Wait, he said "Alison Grodner"! Cut! Cut!
12:19 AM: The control voice calls Jessica to the diary room. If I didn't have four million reasons I'd never come close to doing this show, the tendency of that voice to say rude things loudly at random intervals would do it.
12:20 AM: Why does Eric have nipple rings? I hate nipple rings. There is no good reason for that. America doesn't lead him around by those.
12:22 AM: Amber assures Zach that they will get a lot of offers when this is over. Zach calls his existing job "a gift from heaven," but that undoubtedly doesn't mean he won't do a celebrity poker tournament here and there.
Me: I like it when there are these long pauses where it's just people thinking. It's so quiet, you can hear the rubber band engine whirring in there.
MS: You can hear the air whooshing around the thought bubbles over their heads.
12:23 AM: The evening's most compelling story, "Jameka Eats," continues. Literally, this is a Showtime channel, which people pay to receive on their televisions, and right now, what is on is a lady who is chewing. But wait! Also, Dustin is folding laundry. He and Jameka discussing their fears that Dustin might be booted tomorrow night instead of Dick. [Note: ....]Dustin is particularly concerned because Dick doesn't seem upset, and it seems like Dick should be upset if Dick is leaving. Eat, Jameka, eat!
12:26 AM: Dustin has switched to rolling his laundry.
12:27 AM: Zach explains how he and somebody back at home always look at each other on a webcam. It's probably family, but it might be his team of shrinks.
12:28 AM: MS: "It's too bad this is probably all going to backfire on everyone, since Dustin is the only one I don't actively want to see devoured by groundhogs."
12:29 AM: I didn't even know David Duchovny lived in the Big Brother house!
12:32 AM: Jameka spends long minutes trying to figure out how many votes there will be week. She never really reaches a conclusion. Jessica does say that someone from "their side," meaning Dick and Daniele's side, will go home, and I desperately hope she means it, because the crawl tells us that Dick has approached Eric about a deal.
12:33 AM: Dustin, Jameka, and Jessica decide they should go to bed. I wonder what they will show if nothing is happening. This could be the easiest assignment ever!
12:34 AM: Dick and Eric are chatting in the kitchen while Dick dries a bowl. Dick is talking about what a great guy he is for giving Jen a slop pass because Daniele told him to. Give him his own talk show!
12:36 AM: Eric goes outside and stares at the hot tub for a while. He sits down. He pushes some buttons. He stands up. He walks around. He tries unsuccessfully to lift the cover to put it on the tub. Finally, he succeeds in putting the cover on. And I watched the whole thing.
12:38 AM: Jameka and Jessica chuckle over whether they're prejudiced because they don't like bunnies. It's only 12:38, so I'm pretty sure this really happened.
12:39 AM: Jameka and Jessica have a lengthy discussion over whether it's the 15th or the 14th.
12:41 AM: Dustin offers the opinion that if Joe were around right now, he'd be "totally worthless." Except as a source of information about gonorrhea, apparently.
12:47 AM: Seriously, we are watching people sit quietly. That's what's on. I don't know.
12:47 AM: Daniele lies face-down on a couch outside. Dick emerges with a spatula and tells Daniele she should go talk to...somebody, and then he tells Eric that Daniele is awake. Eric is still lying in the hammock, exhausted after the pool-cover incident. Eric stands up from the hammock. He walks over toward where Daniele is lying. You know, face-down. Daniele sits up so they can talk. Eric tells Daniele that making a deal with her and her dad might be "a good idea." Eric tells Daniele he "didn't come here to be a pussy," but he apologizes for his language first. He tells her that maybe he should being "going for it" with the strongest people. Eric basically tells Daniele that he thinks Zach is literally bazoo, particularly because Zach has the "retarded" belief that he's closer to Jessica than Eric is. It's so dangerous to throw around the word "retarded," especially when you've been doing the things with your hair that Eric was doing for a while.
12:52 AM: Dick and Zach are apparently setting up a game of beer pong. This seems promising, in its way.
12:54 AM: Eric is still talking, and even Daniele looks like she wishes he would get to the point, and you know that's really something to marvel at. He keeps yapping on about how he maybe should align with the strongest players and "most bad-ass people in the house," and the fact that either of these people could be considered "bad-ass" is how you know it's a world gone mad.
1:02 AM: When we return from the half-hourly break, Eric is still telling Daniele the same shit he was telling her five minutes ago. This conversation is endless and meaningless. He does tell Daniele that it's pretty remarkable for her to ask for his loyalty after she and Dick spent a week excoriating and insulting him. Fair point. It is at this moment that I realize that Eric's voice sounds EXACTLY like someone I know personally and absolutely can't stand, and this is why he's given me the creeps ever since he walked in. Not even just tone of voice -- the condescending, obnoxious, know-it-all way he talks to everyone. It turns out I am personally biased against him for this reason. Shut up, "ERIC."
1:08 AM: Boring Strategypalooza continues on the main stage with Eric and Daniele.
1:11 AM: I note that Daniele looks like a grieving widow with a sort of scarf/hood thing pulled up over her head. I think she is still thinking about the horrible sight of Nick's dead body.
1:12 AM: We jump to the HoH room, where Amber is fretting over how to trust the alliance. Dustin tells her that you just have to trust the people you make your pact with. Jameka says it's like "stocks and bonds," where you have the risky ones and then you have the other ones. I truly do not know what she means by this. Are people in the alliance the stocks, or the people who buy the stocks? I wonder if she knows.
1:15 AM: Daniele tells Eric that she felt really bad about betraying Kail and then laughing in her goodbye message. Believe it or not, this becomes another thing about how hard it is to be Daniele. The MS, on Daniele: "I'm not sure how she got the high ground. Also, I'm not sure where she got a hold of tanning spray when she's been sequestered in the house for forty days."
1:17 AM: The MS: "Wow, we literally got to stare at the wall just now."
1:17 AM: Amber is lying on her back, and Dustin is straddling her. Heeeey! Af-Ter Dark! Af-Ter Dark! Af-Ter Dark! Oh, fuck, this is going nowhere.
1:19 AM: Amber discusses a conversation she was involved in, and she uses the words "I'm like" and "she's like" so often that I can't even remember who the people involved are. Unless the people involved are named "Like" and "Like."
1:20 AM: Dustin: "You can't count your chickens before you're..." He clearly doesn't know where to go with this, so he just stops talking. I'm saying truly, I watched this guy have to bail out in the middle of "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
1:22 AM: Jessica is still holding court.
Me: Jessica could use a comb.
MS: I could use a Vicodin and a handgun.
1:25 AM: Dustin is folding laundry again. God, how did I ever live without this? I can't believe I thought I understood what was going on in the house just from watching the edited broadcasts!
1:27 AM: OH MAH GOD ERIC IS STILL TALKING TO DANIELE.
1:30 AM: Hitting the halfway point makes me want to send flowers to myself.
1:33 AM: Eric tells Daniele that her dad is ruining his (Eric's) Big Brother experience, which was essentially his greatest dream in life. Screw "without pity." I have extra pity, and I'm not even sure whom to give it to out of Dick for being himself, Daniele for being his kid, or Eric for...this. Finally, Eric announces to Daniele that he is "leaning toward" teaming up with them to get rid of Dustin instead of Dick. Gawd. He does, however, advocate for including Jessica in the group.
1:35 AM: "Jameka, please center your microphone," says Big Daddy.
1:37 AM: Eric and Daniele have now been having the same strategy talk -- which contains about thirty seconds of content -- for fifty minutes. My head hurts.
1:40 AM: Finally, Eric and Daniele begin to move in the direction of wrapping it up, with him saying that he'll get Jessica alone at some point and, presumably, tell her that he wants them to get together with Dick and Daniele and boot Dustin. Jessica is not looking hospitable to this up in the HoH. We'll see how it goes when she actually gets the news that he wants her to keep Dick. [Note: Siiiiiigh.]
1:44 AM: Right as it looks like Daniele and Eric are going to shut up, Daniele goes off on a tear about some fucking boring story about Jen claiming that Nick gave her Daniele's bandana, or something. I just...I don't know. It's unbelievable.
1:47 AM: Beer pong! Zach and Dick are indeed playing inside. Apparently, Dick's been kicking Zach's butt all night. But we can't stay on that, because we have to return to the HoH, where Jen has joined Jessica and her friends and Jessica is doing leg lifts on the bed. I forgot Jen was still alive. At one point, Jessica says, "That midget -- that little person -- would not leave Eric alone!" Nice save, genius. You wouldn't want anyone watching this show to have their sensibilities offended.
1:50 AM: Jen explains that making banana bread is a lot like making sugar cookies, except for some of the ingredients. She came back from invisibility for THIS?
1:51 AM: OH MAH GOD DUSTIN IS TAKING OUT HIS CONTACTS. Ew. I hate other people touching their eyeballs almost as much as I hate anyone touching mine.
1:52 AM: Dick is sitting and smoking. And sitting and smoking. And he says "Holy shit," but he seems to have no point. Meanwhile, Eric does his laundry. I'm saying Eric does his laundry, literally, on television. This is what's on this channel. If the listings could get this specific, on Showtime Too at 1:52 AM, the listings would be a show called Eric Does His Laundry.
1:53 AM: Dick is talking to...himself, I think? About how interesting the day was, even though it's "boring as fuck." And then he begins musing on the possibilities, and "who'd-a thunk it," and now he's just lame. I believe he then starts cracking his knuckles, which...I do not think is sexy.
1:55 AM: Dick and Eric play beer pong. Dick demonstrates this great shot Zach made earlier, and he is totally a rock star right now.
1:56 AM: This, with one hour to go, is where I start to feel like I'm going to pass out.
1:57 AM: Dustin announces that he's fully packed in case he goes home tomorrow. Predictably, he calls everyone "beeyotches." Meanwhile, Jessica and Jen primp, which I assume is because they're going to...the hot tub? Which Eric covered up earlier? Jess puts on deodorant, in case she stinks in the tub.
2:00 AM: Indeed, Jessica uncovers the tub Eric covered earlier and switches it on. I am so proud that I followed this subplot! The Pool Cover Story! The Pool Cover Diaries! Pool Cover Bordello! Eric put it on, and then Jessica had to take it off again!
2:03 AM: Zach sits with his feet in the tub, telling Jessica and Jen how great Dick is at beer pong, and how Dick would be the only one at the ESPN2 beer pong tournament who wasn't in a frat. That's a decent joke, actually. I'm not sure Zach entirely, irredeemably sucks.
2:06 AM: Jessica and Jen talk, and Jessica says she doesn't care what Eric and Daniele were up to -- Dick is going home, period. I dearly hope she will stick to that. Please, please, PLEASE. I will be so happy. I would also enjoy seeing her tell Eric where to stick his "advice" about what she should do. [Note: Stab self in eye.]
2:07 AM: Jessica chuckles over Dick's threat that if he goes out tomorrow, he's going to "bury" everybody. She and Jen think this is lame: "Nobody even listens" to him, Jessica points out.
2:11 AM: Dustin and Amber are in bed together. He's assuring her everything will be fine. She doesn't look convinced, and shockingly, she looks like she's been crying. Silence follows. Long, televised silence. And then Amber starts in about Dick and how much she hates him. I believe the silence was preferable and more interesting.
2:14 AM: I am flagging, and this is where the MS goes to bed. Jen and Jessica are puzzling over the goddamn clues again, which is so incredibly uninteresting. Jen comes up with a semi-plausible-sounding theory about how some of the clues seemed to recall past veto competitions. Jessica, on the other hand, thinks that the theme was that everything was white. You go, girl. She thinks that maybe they're going to give the houseguests something called "The White Power." I rarely go out on a limb, but I'm going to say I seriously doubt there will ever be anything called The White Power.
2:16 AM: Dustin rehearses a goodbye speech directed at Dick. Bad karma floats from that decision.
2:20 AM: I don't think it's just me; things are really beginning to wind down for the night, but the After Dark people have to just keep rolling and rolling. Jen and Jessica are chatting in the hot tub about essentially nothing, which lends additional support for my general thesis that movie or TV dialogue that's actually realistic would be, in fact, incredibly dull.
2:22 AM: Dustin. Amber. Jameka. Bed. Nothing. Amber starts speculating about whether Eric and Zach secretly know each other and are secretly best friends. We need to put her to work on some of our most vexing national security problems.
2:25 AM: WHY CAN DUSTIN, AMBER, AND JAMEKA GO TO BED AND I HAVE TO STAY UP?
2:26 AM: Amber reveals that she searched Craigslist for reality television opportunities every day for three months. This all has to do with speculating about someone's claim that he saw a casting notice for the show. Shortly thereafter, we go back out to the hot tub, but the control voice says, "Dustin. Stop that." That is pretty cool, I must admit. I'd love to be a voice that could boom into people's homes and say, "Stop that."
2:31 AM: Dustin has followed Jen and Jessica out to the hot tub, where he's sitting at the edge and eating. They're all still trying to figure out what the hell all the clues earlier meant. Zach later joins the group, but awkwardly, like...well, like you'd think, with it being Zach.
2:33 AM: Dick is inside with Daniele, setting up beer pong. Dick wants to make Daniele some slop, because she's not eating. Nothing like a midnight snack of proteinized oatmeal. Thanks, Dad!
2:34 AM: Eric comes out to the hot tub and chats with everyone, referring to himself as "so checked out." He tells us he's "in a daze." Jessica is standing with arms crossed, which = he's in trouble. It turns out that Dick has come out to lie on a chair, and he breaks into the conversation to discuss the kind of slop that Dustin is eating. He can't believe Dustin eats straight slop. Meanwhile, inside, Daniele and Zach sit to each other and do not speak. My brain, which is just about checked out itself, envisions them clanking their heads together to try to make music. It would sound like a xylophone.
2:43 AM: Fifteen minutes to go. I can barely hang on. Someone in a bathing suit is talking.
2:45 AM: Jen something something Kail something tell forgot something.
2:45 AM: Eric announces that a plain white t-shirt of his is missing. This will occupy them for days! It's a mystery!
2:46 AM: Eric says he's not trying to figure out the clues, because he doesn't think it's worth it to agonize over it now. Jessica seems distressed by this. Eric insists that some people's theories are reeeeally stupid, but he doesn't use Zach's name, which is nice.
2:49 AM: Unicorns! There are unicorns in the house! And I think I see the ghost of Merv Griffin! And are those the insides of my eyes?
2:50 AM: Inside, Zach bites his nails. And he's on TV. Spitting bits of his nails onto the floor. Wish I were kidding. He bites, and then he spits. At the floor. That is vile. I don't tend to bitch about the relaxation of personal habits on this show as much as some people do, but you do not spit stuff onto a communal floor. Any stuff. You don't. We watch Zach do this for long moments, which I think mean that the editing staff does not enjoy him or else totally adores him and wants you to watch the adorable way he bites his nails and SPITS IT ON THE FLOOR.
2:53 AM: Zach comes out of the house, and Jessica asks him if he's related to Amber. Jen extends the joke by saying, "Evel's my dad," and Dick adds, "I obviously have much better sperm than that." I think not, since Jen > Daniele.
2:55 AM: I am asleep with my eyes open.
2:56 AM: Eric yawns, and I fucking hate him.
2:57 AM: Zach likes the little person who visited earlier so much that he wishes he could get one. I'm not lying.