Slide-guitar into the end of the Veto Ceremony. What I noticed this time more than when I watched the last episode was that there was a moment, during Dick's preamble, where it looked like Daniele was shitting a brick because she wasn't entirely sure he was going to go through with what he promised. But then he did, yawn. Afterward, Daniele seems to have a hard time meeting anyone's eye and strikes me as being actually conflicted about taking the Veto from Dick. Dustin DRs that he was sort of hoping he would be up against Daniele so that he could see Dick freak out after she got voted out: "I lost my daughter for the fifth time! Or was it sixth?" Heh. Because, seriously. Jen DRs that she'll be happy seeing either Dick or Dustin ousted this week. In the kitchen, Amber tells Dick that what he did for Daniele was "really nice," and he preens, while over at the table, Daniele sits with a thousand-yard stare. In the DR, she says that being in the house is "the opportunity of a lifetime," which, if it's actually true for her, makes me turn 1% of my hatred for her into grudging pity. Anyway, she is humbled by Dick's Veto sacrifice.
Jessica and Dustin regroup in the HoH room. She's still a little weepy, explaining to Dustin that it's hard to put people on the block. Dustin very confidently waves that off. The worst-case scenario, he says, is a 3-3 tie, which Jessica would break in Dustin's favour; he adds that if Daniele is smart, she'll vote to evict Dick. Unfortunately for Dustin, she is not. He DRs that he cut off Daniele's right leg by getting Nick evicted, and when Dick goes, he'll have cut off her left, and then "bitch got nothin'." Watching the episode the first time, I was so confident that he was right, and looking forward to seeing that happen almost as much as Dustin himself was. It was a simpler time. Back in the HoH room, Jessica and Dustin hug it out, Jessica thanking him for volunteering himself for nomination, which he's still very "whatever" about. Jessica then DRs that she thinks Dustin is shady, and that he's "high on [her] radar" right now. Which, if you picture a radar screen, would be like...shut up, Jessica. Maybe she couldn't think of a better analogy because she was already plotting how she was going to sell Dustin under the bus.
Then Eric does damage control over the failed silent treatment experiment. He blames it on some mysterious kind of sickness that made him sweat a lot, but Jessica buys it, and DRs that she now trusts Eric 100%. At least, until she catches him rubbing horseradish in her panties or whatever the hell stupid America tells him to do .
Zach uses the gambit of making dinner for Jessica to get her alone for a strategy chat. He recaps that Amber will certainly vote to evict Dick, as will Jameka and Eric. He asks what will happen in the event of a tie, and Jessica says she'd been thinking she would vote out Dick, but now she's not so sure that's the smart play. Zach points out that Dick is a lightning rod of controversy in the house, but that allows players like Zach and Jessica not to draw attention to themselves, which is an excellent point. He basically volunteers to vote whichever way Jessica tells him to -- a very smart yet low-key play for a contestant in Zach's position. I realize he's like a can of Frat Juice, from concentrate, but Zach is kind of growing on me.
America tells Eric to vote for...Dustin. Wait. He must have read that wrong. But then he holds it up, and indeed, America wants to keep watching Dick three hours a week, on purpose. Dick. DICK! DICK! AUUUUUGH! I'm not happy. For his part, Eric starts by saying he's been targeting Dick and hopes that America will fall in line with his strategy, but when it turns out to be Dustin, he's not all that surprised, probably because he's learned by now that America -- or, rather, the text-message-voting constituency of same -- is STUPID.
Augh. So Eric and Jessica convene in the HoH bed to discuss the vote. He starts making his anti-Dustin case, per America's instructions, but just as he's getting started, Jessica sits up in bed and takes off her shirt, revealing a tight camisole underneath. Eric stops what he's saying to tell her he thought she was going to be naked under there, fluttering that he knows they're comfortable with each other, but really!, and so forth. Jessica, bored, tells Eric, "These are boobs." "What are boobs?" cracks Eric, and Jessica points to her rack, just to dispel all confusion. Hee hee. Anyway, Eric tries to keep making his case, stealing furtive peeks at Jessica's funbags all the while, but he's sort of lost the plot, and finally she says she's tired: "Leave." And he does. So much for the great love affair America was trying to kindle. Fucking America's going to tell Eric to hook up with Amber because AMERICA DOESN'T KNOW ITS ASS FROM THE HOOVER DAM, APPARENTLY.
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!
God. Anyway. Outside, fucking Dick proposes to Eric that the two of them, plus their female appendages (Daniele and Jessica, respectively), hook up to try for final four. Dick proffers that he and Daniele won't nominate Eric or Jessica, nor vote against them, until the end. Eric considers this, saying that he won't do anything unless Jessica agrees, and Dick says it's the same for him and Daniele. But, he suggests, Eric should mull whether it's better to go after your biggest threat in the game, or ally with him. Given that this folds in well with what Eric's been told to do, it at least gives him ammunition to present a proposal to Jessica, rather than lying about his votes, which hasn't worked out for him thus far.
So Eric tells Jessica he thinks they should get rid of Dustin. He says he's been thinking that he's letting the game play him (ha!), and that getting Dustin out would be a big move on Eric's part. He talks vaguely about "ideas" that Dustin has in the game, and says that the rest of his and Jessica's alliance (Jameka and Amber) are "absolute garbage" as an alliance. He makes Dick's argument about allying with the big threat, and that there is honour among thieves, not that they're thieves. "We are after this week," replies Jessica astutely. But she was already leaning away from Dustin, so she's receptive to the notion -- but not so receptive that it seems as though, had Eric been instructed to get Dick out, she couldn't have been swayed that way instead, so it all comes back to how America fucked me this week. Like, on a personal level.
Julie throws to commercial with the reveal that CBS has overturned some rocks and found Joe among the vermin wriggling there. Yay.
Time to talk to the houseguests! Oh, this is always death. How have things changed between Dick and Daniele since the last time they were nominated? Dick says that, the last time, she was very insistent that he not veto her nomination if he won; she won it herself, so the question was moot. This time, he told her that it didn't matter what she said; he'd be vetoing her nomination whether she liked it or not! And then he holds, with a big grin, for America's applause and takes a moment to scoop up the roses thrown at his feet, all due to his overwhelming selflessness. Would Daniele have vetoed Dick's nomination if she had won? Daniele shrugs and giggles and tries to act cute as she says that, fortunately, she didn't have to find that out (though if Julie actually cared, she would point out that Daniele was in this position the last time both were nominated and she was the one to win the veto, and that she didn't choose to veto Dick's nomination, and therefore her cutie-pie routine is disingenuous and gross, as usual). Was Jen surprised that Dick gave her the slop pass, after all the anguish they've gone through in the house? She laughs that she was glad Dick was put on the spot to give it to her. Heh. They've all missed the halfway mark in the house. And does Amber miss her daughter? JESUS, JULIE. Amber babbles on and on and on about her kid, and how this absence is only temporary and she's sorry she'll be missing her first day of school and blah blah blah sobcakes. But the best part is that Julie invites her to talk to her daughter, and Amber picks one camera to speak into, but the editors totally don't cut to that feed, so she's looking just offscreen the whole time she's yammering on. I am seriously so sick of Amber. Pull yourself together!
Hey, remember Joe, the little fuckwad bitch? Have you missed seeing him on the show? No? Well, tough shit; he's back to give his thoughts on Dustin's nomination and his performance generally since Joe's eviction. The clips package begins with Dustin and Amber in the bathroom, talking about Joe's obsession with the show. They agree that he probably watches the feeds, and Dustin says that he's pissed. Joe interviews that it's interesting to watch his downward spiral on the show. He says it's like their relationship: Dustin seems "beautiful" and "well put together," but that after a while, you see that he's selfish. And, I mean, it's Big Brother, okay? It's arguably the most venal reality show on TV. Selfishness is the entire point. It doesn't matter if you show the clips of Dustin in that one veto competition when he took the trip and the cash; Joe would have done it too, regardless of what he says, as would any of the other contestants if they weren't thinking that taking short-term small rewards might ruin their chances at winning the long-term big cash prize. Like, it's not as though Dustin chose to take a trip and some money instead of funding a children's hospital in Guatemala. He gambled that he should get while the getting was good because winning the one big prize was a long way off and there were like a dozen people between him and it -- and given the outcome of tonight's episode, I'll bet he has no regrets about taking those prizes while he could; it's more than Kail got. ANYWAY. There's another bathroom conversation where Amber announces that Eric's gone this week and Dustin says she's being a psycho. Joe says that as the screws tighten in the house, Dustin will just lose it and start saying whatever he's thinking; as evidence, we see him imply that Zach is fat, and then yell some string of insults at Dick that includes "white trash," "washed-up," and "pig," which...I mean, just say "trash." The "white" part is irrelevant. And the rest of it is right on. Joe says that Dustin is shooting himself in the foot by being so arrogant. Joe. Who was voted out twelve episodes ago. In the HoH, Daniele and Jen talk about how manipulative Dustin is, and Zach tells Dick he thinks they "voted out the wrong gay guy." And, like, I'm not saying Dustin is invited to my dinner party -- by definition, everyone on the show is awful; it's Big Brother -- but I just can't fault him for anything we saw in this segment. At all.
Julie throws to houseguest comments on the nominees. Amber wants Dick out; he's mean and scary. Daniele obviously wants to keep her daaaaaaaaaaad in the house -- not because she loves him or because she's enjoying the opportunity to work on their relationship, but because he's her biggest ally; she also thinks Dustin is a huge phony. Zach thinks the way Dick behaves toward other players and their character flaws is "unsanitary" (guh?), but that it's a shame he's up against Dustin, who also needs to go. Jen regards these two choices are "win-win." Eric says he wanted to take down Dick, but after getting his "directive from America," he's "going after Dustin in a big way." Jameka hates Dick and wants him gone, hilariously saying she wants to see "the back of his head and that BB bag" on his way out the door. "That BB bag" is what I'm calling Dick from now on. And what's he a bag of? I think we all know. (Testicles.)
HoH chat. Speaking of bags, Jessica's hair looks like a saggy trash bag precariously sliding off her head. There's some blah about Dustin's alleged secret alliance with Dick and Daniele, and how that upset her right before the Veto Ceremony. She trusts Eric and Jameka the most in the LNC. She has a great time with Eric "every day," and maybe they'll hook up outside the house, but now she's focused on the game.
We are reminded that tonight's evicted houseguest will be the first member of the jury. Now, plead for your fellow houseguests' love! Cocky Dustin is looking forward to more fun in the six weeks. Dick did what he had to do, so the voters should do what they need to do, and he only regrets that Carol's not here to give him a big wet kiss on the way out. Everyone seems to think this is hilarious.
Votes! Amber, a short ruffly terry-cloth skirt? Still? She votes to evict Dick. Necklace waggle.
Eric is happy with America's choice of evictee, and they turned the house upside down.
A totally catatonic Jameka votes to evict Dick.
Daniele votes to evict Dustin, obviously, which means we're tied going into commercials.
And then when we come back, it all goes to hell. Zach votes to evict Dustin.
And Jen votes to evict Dustin.
And I am PISSED.
Julie announces that, in a vote of 4-2, Dustin is evicted. Dustin is about as shocked as I've seen an evictee be on this show. I mean, I bet he didn't even pack. If he thought there was a good chance he'd be meeting Julie tonight, he certainly wouldn't have worn that shirt. Dustin is utterly gobsmacked, and can barely bring himself to hug. Amber? Cries. Dick manages to keep a lid on his gloating as Dustin makes his way toward the door, and once he's gone, there's a kind of hush over everyone. Jameka stalks into the bathroom, presumably to barf, and as the houseguests prepare to go out for the HoH competition, Daniele gets Zach to tie Nick's fucking bandanna around her wrist. Speaking of barf.
Chenderdome. Julie confirms that Dustin is shocked to be where he is. But he exactly diagnoses how the votes shook out. Does he regret volunteering to be the pawn? Yes and no -- everything happens for a reason, it is what it is, he'll be on the jury. Julie throws a quote back in his face about not feeling that his nomination was a risk, and he admits that he fucked up there. What about Amber's screaming fit at Eric last week? Dustin says she's very emotional, but that he wishes she hadn't had it out with him in front of everyone. What's Joe thinking? He's ecstatic, but at least Dustin made it further than Joe did. Goodbyes: Dick gloats about pulling off a huge coup. Jameka doesn't know how this happened, but it must mean there are shady people in their alliance. "Hi Dustin, it's Jen." He can see you. Jen and her cold sore tell Dustin "tanning's been fun" and that she'll see him soon. Eric had a good time with Dustin in the house, and appreciated the way Dustin took care of him last week, when Eric was nominated. Because we're up to jurors now, Eric doesn't reveal that he's America's Player, and covers that he expects to see Dustin in the sequester house soon, because something's gone awry with their alliance; Dustin doesn't buy it one bit. Daniele says it's been nice getting to know him. Zach says Dustin's been a good friend, but that Dustin's too arrogant. Jessica hopes they can hang out in real life. And Amber fucking melts; I mean, she talks about her love for Dustin and what a great person he is so volubly that you would swear she'd just spent six weeks locked on a TV soundstage with the love child of Nelson Mandela and Bono. GET A GRIP.
Okay, HoH. So this week, they did one of those things where a bunch of crazy shit happened in the house, and the houseguests all tried to remember random details so that later they'd be able to regurgitate whether the crescent moon on the wizard's hat was pointing east or west and how many freckles were on the mermaid's elbow. You know. We see clips of all the queerness in the house this week -- a little person dressed as the Mad Hatter, throwing out Ben Franklin maxims; a barbershop quartet and a pirate on stilts out on the lawn; rabbits in a cage on the table; one of those freaky-ass living statues. Jessica's sitting out because she's the outgoing HoH, and Jameka's sitting out because of the earlier Veto Competition where she agreed to skip the five HoHes, of which this is #2.
First question: everyone gets it right except Jen, who seems to have had an equipment failure of some kind.
Second question: Dick and Zach get it wrong, Dick shrugging like it was a bullshit question. Oh, and he has a cigarette tucked behind his ear, because you don't have to stop being a total bad-ass just because you're sixty.
Third question: Eric gets it wrong, leaving just Amber and Daniele. Oh, this isn't good -- you know Amber's the type to choke under pressure.
Fourth (and, it turns out final) question: fucking Daniele gets it right. Oh, this week is going to be just unbearable. No one makes any effort to congratulate Daniele except Dick, of course, and Jameka, who gives her a grudging hug.
Final filler time. Daniele is fucking BUSTING, she's so happy; the only person happier is Dick McGloats. Julie makes the mistake of asking Amber how it's going to be for her in the house without her best friend Dustin, and Amber? Cries. In fact, her babbling, insane answer goes on so long and embarrassingly that Julie finally just straight-up interrupts to shut her up. Awesome. Please, America. Redeem yourself. NOMINATE AMBER.