Not Without My Sleep Mask

Sunday

So the big news is that the producers have decided the most recent HoH competition had "technical difficulties," and they give Janelle -- I mean, everyone -- a do-over, choosing trivia questions so random that it's obvious that everyone is guessing. Janelle, of course, continues her unbroken streak of good luck and wins, despite having been literally the only person in the original HoH competition that we know for sure was eliminated fair and square and was not affected by any technical difficulties of any kind. Erika tries to take it in stride, despite having gone from HoH to target in about five minutes. Oh, and Janelle continues her quest to use her DR entries to stomp out whatever affection America still has for her. Despite efforts from several others to get Marcellas on the block, Janelle prefers to nominate...well, different people. Namely, Erika and Danielle, the only two remaining women other than herself, just as she nominated two women the first time she was HoH and two women (once she got her nominations to what she wanted them to be post-veto) the second time she won HoH. Fascinating pattern. She announces to Erika, "I despise your gameplay." In other news, the house wins food for the week on every day other than the day their victory depends on slop cakes dreamed up by Danielle. Also, Janelle and Howie are so damn stupid they've never heard the phrase "pull the wool over someone's eyes," and George thinks a great phrase starting with "you" is "you are expected to expect the unexpected." One hopes George threw that particular competition.

Tuesday

Danielle and Erika are on the block, and Will and Mike decide that they’ll gang up on Janelle to take Danielle off the block and keep her. The veto competition brings back a bunch of old contestants, and it also brings suspicion when it looks to Janelle and Howie like James gave it to Danielle. In the end, it’s actually Will who hands it to Danielle, who promptly removes herself from the block. Janelle and Howie kind of want to put up George, and I think emotionally they’d like to put up James, but since they can’t afford to go with just the two of them, they’re stuck. Will and Mike start campaigning to have Marcellas put up, and although Janelle promises Marcellas she won’t nominate him, that’s exactly what happens. In other news, Will and Janelle’s flirtation seems harmless, while Erika and Mike’s seems...less so, and the clues to the Coup d’État continue. Janelle’s new brilliant idea involves Howie trying to convince everyone that he made a guess so stupid that everyone is instantly aware that he’s lying. So on Thursday, we will get an eviction, some news on the coup, and quite possibly Marcellas being ridden out of town with his robe in his hands. For once, it doesn’t seem clear who’s going, so you might actually want to watch.

Thursday

With Erika and Marcellas on the block, negotiations inside the house are ongoing. Marcellas tries threats, cajoling, and laying guilt on Chicken George, but he cannot save himself and is unanimously evicted. It's hard to believe, because he emphatically told them that getting rid of him would be really immoral, but they did it anyway. Whatever, crazies! At the HoH competition, houseguests answer questions about whom America likes the best -- oh, and Janelle is Prom Queen, making her officially the new Rupert -- and the winner is ultimately George. Yes, that's right. George is HoH for the first of what will be two evictions this week. The sped-up schedule forces him to make his nominations right after he wins, without any time to talk to anyone. With the pressure on, George makes low-risk nominations by choosing James and Erika. On Sunday, we'll see an eviction, so don't skip the show assuming it's all stupid filler. Because this will be different stupid filler.

Previously: Kaysar was gone, GONE! It was a relief, because he was really just too moral to play this game, or else he was very, very bad at it. There was a séance, which was pretty lame, even for a show that uses hats to substitute for personalities. Oh, and then Erika became HoH (supposedly) and there was a sighting of a sheep that had something to do with the much-ballyhooed "Coup d'Etat." I guarantee you that the number of people inside that house who could correctly spell that phrase is smaller than the number of people inside that house that have allowed people to eat food off their bodies in public.

Sunday

Kaysar is evicted in blue and white again. He shaved his head for so little benefit, you know? In the DR, James says that he was really bummed when Kaysar left: "His game play sucks, but as a person, I think he's awesome." Heh. I think I actually believe James thinks that, for the most part. I don't see how anyone could disagree with either half, as long as "awesome" has room for a little bit of self-seriousness, which it probably does. George agrees, telling us that he, too, will miss the person he refers to as "K-czar," who was a good person. "Kaysar leaving the house was an extreme blow to my alliance," Janelle says in her usual way; that is, cooking up word soups resulting in technically correct but highly unnatural sentences. She's right, though. Never let it be said she can't count to 25%. She goes on to say that at this point, if she doesn't win competitions, she'll be "screwed."

Mike is not so sad about Kaysar's exit. "So the first member of S6 has left the building," he says in the DR with considerable relief. Mike allows for how hard Kaysar would be to beat at the end, and he adds that he was glad to be rid of the guy for that reason. James reminds us that it's an odd feeling when the votes against you come from your alliance, as did the votes from Janelle and Howie in this situation. "Guess that goes to show you where my alliance stands, doesn't it?" he says bitterly. You know, I'm not sure you can be bitter about the absence of loyalty after you call one of the people involved a "fat piece of shit." Like, "How dare you not stand by me in good times and in bad, you...um, fat piece of shit!"

Danielle DRs that she knows Kaysar will feel like her vote was the "ultimate betrayal," and she hopes he'll understand that "it's just a game" and "there only can be one winner." If she wants people to understand that it's just a game, she should stop looking so serious, like she expects people to watch these videotapes after she's been arrested and jailed. Erika, unsurprisingly, weeps in the DR that Kaysar took her mind off the game. Is Erika's mind on the game the rest of the time? Because if it is, she hides it really well. Will, on the other hand, reminds the rest of the house: "It's not like we killed him. I mean, people...you know, get evicted." Will should not be trying to use logic on these people. It's like trying to beat cake batter with a cocktail napkin.

And then, in the diary room, Will draws the line between love and hate once again, by delivering the kind of speech that people who hate him hate, and people who love him love: "This is just not the show for Kaysar." And then, half-seriously and half-sympathetically, he says, "He's been evicted three times in the last year. You know, sometimes you're good at things, and sometimes you're not, and...hate to be brutal, but maybe this isn't the show for him." It's the part about being evicted three times in a year that I love. Because it's so...true, and it's like sticking a pin in Kaysar and watching all the hot air drain out of him after he's already gone. All those speeches..."This is how you play; this is not how you play." I'm not sure he was qualified.

Janelle corners Will near the bathroom and says, "George is a desperate, lying creep." There are some words I bet you didn't think you were going to hear any time soon. She goes on to tell Will -- totally falsely, as far as we know -- that George swore on his kids that he was keeping Kaysar. This in spite of the fact that what most of us saw was George specifically telling Kaysar he wouldn't promise anything about what he was going to do. George confirms flat-out in the DR, with no audience, that he did not make any promises to Kaysar. "So, Chicken George is a fuckin' snake," Will says to Janelle. I think Will would think that was awesome, George turning out to be a snake. As Erika passes Janelle, Erika says, "Sorry, Janelle," and Janelle spits back, "Oh, I don't care." Janelle actually appears to believe the bullshit she's spewing, since she sits in the diary room talking about how George promised -- swore -- that he'd vote for Kaysar to stay. "Um, I don't like people who are sneaky like that," she brings it on, clearly convinced of her correctness despite the fact that as far as we know, this charge is entirely unsubstantiated. That's going to suck when she watches it back later.

Danielle and Erika hug, and they agree that the game is kind of sucking right now. Erika recounts trying to express something sympathetic to Janelle and being rebuffed. Erika diagnoses herself with caring too much -- in other words, surplus awesomeness. Won't someone help? Scientific research is ongoing!

And now, there is an interminable segment in which we see that Howie started bitching and moaning nonstop after the end of the HoH competition about how the game was rigged and not fair and so forth, because only people Howie likes are allowed to win competitions based on pure bullshit. Everyone agrees that the buttons weren't particularly responsive and that their lights didn't always go on. There is no indication that anyone's button was any better or worse than anyone else's. What seems to distinguish whether it affected you is whether you watched to see whether it lit up, and hit it again if necessary. The best part is where Howie first announces he was the "first or second person" to hit the button, despite the fact that everyone but Will hit their buzzer immediately after that question, so he has no idea if he was "first or second." By the time he's had a few moments to bitch about it, he's announcing confidently he was the first person to hit the button. So Howie is now utterly full of shit, despite having a legitimate beef at the outset. I hate when that happens. They all sit around inside later, and Howie repeats several times that he was the first one to hit it, as if he knows this. Everyone else points out yet again that their buttons also didn't always register, so they...you know, hit it again. Those fiends. Rigged!

So what happens is that they are all gathered in the living room by the producers, who tell them that there's going to be a new HoH competition based on "technical difficulties." Oh, whatever. Most of these competitions are so stupid that winning them is a roll of the dice to begin with. I'm not offended by their redoing it, although they didn't make the decision in a vacuum given that they knew the outcome when they decided that outcome would be redone.

The new competition consists of a bunch of questions that are really stupid, and you can tell that no one knows the answers to half of them, because the answers are split down the middle. Guess what? Janelle, already the Luckiest Person To Ever Play The Game, wins HoH on the second try, despite getting a question wrong and being one of only a couple of people (though not the only one, as I'd originally thought) who got a question wrong and therefore was in no way disadvantaged by technical difficulties. Her luck is off the charts; it really is. In other news, you won't be surprised to hear that Howie throws just as much of a tantrum over losing legitimately as he did over the buzzer thing. In other words, Howie's not losing his mind over being wronged; he's just losing his mind. And when Janelle, wins, she yells, "I did it, Howie!", and then, "This is for you, Kaysar!" You know, it's important to remind people at all times that she is generous and never thinking of herself. Frankly, that attitude would have meant more to me in the form of not being so chirpingly happy at the veto ceremony where she knew she was getting Kaysar put up in the first place.

In the DR, Janelle holds her key up and giggles. "I won HoH...AGAIN!" She goes on: "I've been HoH three times out of six." Of course, it's really three times out of seven competitions, counting the one she legitimately lost that was luckily replayed, without which she'd be two for six. Furthermore, two of the times she's been HoH, she mostly just wasn't eliminated by other people. But don't let that interfere with your vision of how awesome she is. It certainly doesn't interfere with hers. She speechifies that there are probably people who wish she weren't HoH, but then she looks into the camera and says, "I'm here to crush dreams." It's nice that she's enjoying her moment, and she's earned it once you remove the first HoH competition that she flubbed from the equation, but I certainly hope she's going to understand this whole "hey, it's cutthroat, what can I say?" business if, by chance, it turns around on her at some point. Know what I mean? I mean, she'll need to be gracious should it turn out that she's the crushed instead of the crusher. I'm sure that will happen; it always does.

Marcellas DRs that this was "the worst possible thing that could happen," and he contemptuously imitates Janelle's celebrating and Howie's hooting. Marcellas calls them "such poor sports," which I don't agree with unless they wind up complaining about other people's celebrating. The celebrating is incredibly unwise, but I don't necessarily think it makes you a bad sport. In Howie's case, it also indicates poor impulse control, but I don't think that's news for a guy who runs around yelling random words.

Marcellas needs not to walk around in that robe.

Danielle and Erika talk in the red bedroom about what a huge bummer this was, because this was the week Janelle couldn't play for the veto, so this was the week to get her out. Danielle DRs about how tired she is of watching Janelle win competitions, and some member of the editing staff who hates Janelle adds some footage of her celebrating in a peculiarly icky manner that makes it look like she's about to start spanking her own ass on spring break. Danielle goes on to say she doesn't understand how anyone could not give Janelle the money if she keeps winning competitions. This, of course, is part of the same "it should be a meritocracy" argument that has allowed Danielle to maintain the belief that she should have won her own season for the last four years, so it's not surprising that she is hesitant to give it up. Danielle tells Erika that she thinks Danielle and Marcellas will go up, but Erika thinks that she and Danielle will go up. "Did this whole night just happen?" Erika wonders unhappily. Danielle assures her that it did. Fortunately, there are about seventy TV cameras watching that will be able to confirm for them both later that the entire thing occurred.

Elsewhere, Howie and Janelle gloat about how awesome it will be to put up Erika and Danielle. They can't wait for what a great week this is going to be, since clearly, Danielle will be going home. Howie crows in the DR about all of Janelle's accomplishments, which makes sense, since he doesn't have any of his own. James joins the two of them, at least with his physical body, and he pretends to complain about the people we are now calling "Floatherders." Clearly, Janelle and Howie are not hip to what's going on with James at all. James offers a big, exaggerated DR about not being worthy of being in Janelle's presence because she's so awesome, followed by, "...so I need to get rid of her." His attempts at comedy are uniquely awkward, I will say that. And the more exaggerated they are, the more awkward they are. James tells Janelle that Marcellas needs to go up. They need to get rid of him. Janelle insists that Erika is the way to go, and that Erika and Danielle have a "bond." Janelle insists that she needs Danielle to leave.

Marcellas, still in robe and sleep mask, runs into Erika in the kitchen. They talk about the fact that this isn't what they were hoping for. I think we had guessed that part. He DRs that the whole thing really sucked for Erika, who wanted HoH really badly and won it, only to have it taken away and given to Janelle, of all people. They share a hug. There is a lot of careful presentation of one's physical features between the two people involved in this hug. It is a hug from which great efforts have been made to cleanse all natural ugliness.

We are reminded in blue and white about the Coup d'État, and about the way the houseguests were told to look for clues and were then given a sheep. It's kind of like the Christmas story, in a way. And the sheep is like, "Yeah, I didn't bring a present. And I don't have a drum. And you can't eat me, because I'm in the union. So...'baaaaa,' whatever." Janelle tells us that she wasn't sure whether it was a sheep or a lamb, but either way, she was "confused." There's something about a woman in a "Baby Make It Nice" t-shirt saying she was "confused" by a sheep that makes it all worthwhile, you know?

The houseguests talk about what to name the sheep, and Danielle spits out "Dolly." She then explains in the DR that after suggesting the name "Dolly," she remembered that there was a sheep that was cloned, and the sheep was named Dolly. She and James have a chat, and he whispers to her that it might be "pull the wool over your eyes." Danielle tells him that she's decided that it's all about the cloned sheep. There was a sheep, and they cloned the sheep by her DNA, so it must be DNA, or "do not assume." "Damn, that's good," James answers. I'll agree that it's convoluted, making it "good" in the sense of "really hard to guess, because it's so incredibly unlikely." But actually "good"? That, I don't know about. I simply can't imagine this show expecting these people to know that information or make that connection. You should compare all Big Brother challenges to the TV Guide crossword puzzle. The answer isn't going to be an obscure French film actor. It's going to be "Ray Romano."

It turns out that you make your guess about the coup by ringing a bell and then going into the diary room, where you look carefully into the camera and hope that there isn't a "boing!" sound effect in the background while you deliver your guess. Danielle and James both ring the bell right away, and so does Erika. Will looks confused: "Am I on a different show than you guys, because...all I saw was a sheep." Well...yeah. I mean...yeah. Danielle insists that she "had to go for it." Well, of course! Someone will steal her answer! She goes into the diary room and makes her official guess "do not assume." James goes with "pull the wool over your eyes." Erika, too, goes with "do not assume." Erika also gives the "Dolly/DNA" explanation. Did she come up with that other than through Danielle? Because if they both thought of that, that's really weird. It's so obscure! Not as a fact, but as a connection to draw, you know? I guess it makes Danielle not as goofy as she looked for guessing right away. Somebody else didn't come up with the answer, but somebody else came up with her answer.

Chicken George has a guess as well. As the hick music twangs to indicate that he is not to be taken seriously, he tells us that he thinks he remembers a female sheep being called a "ewe." So his answer? "You are expected...to expect...the unexpected." Hee hee hee. Hee! I hate bumpkin humor for the most part, but honest to God, that is the worst answer I ever heard. (So far.) He shares his guess with a few of his housemates, and Danielle cheerfully says, "Okay," secure in the knowledge that it certainly isn't that. Interestingly, she doesn't think to doubt that this is what he said. It will be funny later, believe me.

Howie and Janelle talk in the yellow bedroom. Howie thinks maybe it has something to do with it being "part of a herd." No, Howie. It's not a made-up expression from your team. It's a real expression. Janelle summons James, and asks him what he guessed in the DR. "We won't tell anyone," she says. James tells them that he guessed "pull the wool over your eyes." Blank stares. "You've never heard that phrase at all, have you?" James asks. "No," Janelle says. "No," Howie says. Are you fucking kidding me? They've never heard the phrase "pull the wool over your eyes"? It's like they were born twenty-five years old and living inside an apartment complex, never going outside except to buy suntan oil. James goes on to painstakingly explain what it means. James quite correctly notes in the DR that it's "ironic" that neither Janelle nor Howie knows what that expression even means, while it's happening to them. I suspect it will look ironic to him in some other ways someday.

And now: Will takes a shower. But not just any shower. He explains to us that the house had lost hot water during the veto competition, and the only place there was any hot water was in the sink, for doing dishes. He says that for that reason, he decided to take his shower in the sink. See, they have one of those sprayers, so it's not that difficult. He shrugs in the DR and explains that once he got sitting in the sink, it was "kind of like a bidet." Except people aren't going to eat food out they've washed in the bidet later, not to get all cutesy-tootsy about hygiene at this incredibly late date. Will sits in the sink and sprays down his shorts, looking younger and cuter than he has for most of the season, as Janelle asks him what he's doing. She sits and watches. "Is this turning you on, Janelle?" he asks. "Oh, yeah," she says sarcastically, because what she actually means is, "Oh, yeah." He sprays himself in the face and laughs. She laughs, too. "Janelle, come shower with me in the kitchen!" he says, clearly not serious. She, however, picks up on this and says, "What, do you want to squirt me down or something?" "Maybe," he says, never one to pass up an opportunity once it presents itself. She acts all put-upon, but she walks over to him. That was...not very convincing, lady. You have to at least make him ask you. Will DRs that she pretended not to want to get wet, but then he adds, "Janelle, if you want to get naughty, just tell Big Daddy; you don't have to act all weird about it." Hee. Back in the kitchen, he starts spraying Janelle. "I didn't think you'd really do that!" she lies through her giant teeth. And then, in my favorite part, he holds up the sprayer in this sort of casual way, spraying toward her, while he says, "Come here, I have to tell you a secret." There is spraying, there is laughing, there is getting wet, and then Janelle leans out into the backyard and tells everyone that a pipe burst. Which is pretty funny, actually. He definitely makes her a lot less boring and a lot more enjoyable than she is without him, since when he's around, she's almost as obsessed with him as she usually is with herself. After all, when people have crushes on themselves, it's good to give them another target.

Mike and James talk in the gym. Mike wants himself, James, and Will to push for Janelle to nominate Danielle and Marcellas. James insists that Janelle will never do it -- she's bent on Danielle and Erika. Mike prods, but James insists it won't happen. Mike still wants to try. "Danielle has to stay," James says. "Oh, yeah," Mike agrees.

Back from a set of commercials, Janelle calls everyone for the food competition. There are a bunch of grills and blenders and whatnot that have been added to the kitchen. This competition requires all the houseguests to work together to come up with seven improvised dishes, with one standing for each day of the week. There will be three judges, and if the judges like a dish enough, the houseguests will earn food for that day. If the judges don't like the dish enough, they'll be on slop that day. And if the judges give perfect scores to any dish, then the house will win a grill and a barbecue. The trick is that every dish must include slop. Oh, and they only have an hour. It's like Iron Chef, only the secret ingredient is high-protein oatmeal, and nobody can cook.

Cooking ensues. George and Will want to make dessert. Janelle makes some apple crisp. Marcellas tells everyone to present the plates nice and clean. They cook and they cook, and when they're out of time, a whistle blows, and it's time to have the judging. For whatever reason, the judging is in the back yard, but rather than going outside for it, they houseguests watch from the living room. It turns out that the guest judges are Jun (from BB4), Marvin (from BB5), and Nicole (from BB2).

The dish for Monday is "slop crisp with vanilla ice cream." The judges think it looks good, and when they taste it, they think it tastes good, too. Janelle is happy that they liked her crisp. I suspect there was a lot of ice cream involved, and you can't go wrong with a lot of ice cream. The dish for Tuesday is "slopfredo." The judges think it's good, but they don't taste much slop in it. Seriously, where in an Alfredo concoction are you going to hide oatmeal? Boo, Erika! For Wednesday, "pan-fried slopcakes with confetti vegetables." The judges hate the slopcakes very, very much. They're way too chewy, among other things. "Low-grade dog food," Marvin announces. "I'm going to be chewing on that crap until Wednesday," Nicole adds. "Alpo's got that beat," Marvin piles on. Poor Danielle. She feels bad, but she takes it pretty well. Insults based on dog food are never great news.

The card for Thursday's dish starts off, "Back by slopular demand," which leads Nicole to announce, "Will wrote that." And it turns out that indeed, these are the slop-based cupcakes. They look very nice and pretty, but when the judges taste them, they do not go over well. Will reminds us that he and Nicole have history. "If she's going to come here and insult my cooking? Wrong tree! Nicole, you're barking it up!" Heh. The judges move to "sloppy slow-roast pasta with garlic-cheese sauce." Not sure I think of pasta as something you roast, nor am I sure how you "slow-roast" something as part of a one-hour process where you're also trying to make waffles and apple crisp, but...okay. The judges seem to like this one, too. Again, I suspect there is about a teaspoon of slop per serving. up is "sloptacular all-star burritos." Danielle lets the judges know that there's slop both in the guacamole and in the burrito. The judges like that one. Last, but not least, the slop waffles. Marcellas and his robe would like you to know that this was "[his] idea from the inception." The judges do enjoy the slop waffles.

So now, the judging. It's hard to see the particulars of the scoring, but the bottom line is that they win food for every day except Wednesday -- "low-grade dog food" did not turn out to be a compliment. It turns out that the cupcakes saved themselves with presentation and creativity, but tasted terrible. And...the waffles got a perfect score, and so the house won the grill and will be having a barbecue. Danielle is happy that they'll only be on slop for the one day.

I love the fact that the silly little text-message question had to do with Gerry's hands and the salad. I just never get tired of it.

When we return from commercials, Janelle and Howie meet with Will. Janelle tells him that he's not going up -- the people she's considering for "betraying [her] alliance, and mostly Kaysar" are George, Erika, Danielle, and Marcellas. Will says that Erika does flip back and forth all the time, but he insists that Marcellas is the "cancer." I am mystified by what looks like a paper sleep mask that Will has up on his forehead during this conversation. It looks like he just got here from a six-year-old's birthday party with a "Day Of Beauty" theme. Howie makes the argument that they should keep the person they'd be most happy to try to beat at HoH, but Will insists that they can beat any of them. He wouldn't be administering that defeat personally, of course, because he'll be throwing the competition as he does all others, because who can you manipulate if you're the boss? Will says that if he and Mike and Howie and Janelle can last another couple of weeks, they'll be able to roll from there. He suggests that they cut a deal with Danielle for amnesty week. Janelle insists that they have to include James. Will DRs that he's working on getting rid of Marcellas, because Danielle is with what appears to be the closest thing to an actual alliance that he has -- the famous "Legion Of Doom." Will also points out that they have to watch out for putting up Danielle, who "might be right about that sheep thing." There's a line you never thought you'd hear on this show, huh? I mean, in this context. Howie and Janelle persist in wanting to put up Danielle.

Filler segment: Mike, Will, Janelle, and Howie make a rock video. I don't really know how to explain it, except to say Janelle gets wet, wears heels, and calls herself "the hot girl." And Danielle looks on and flashes her bra, which is pretty funny. "You know what's scary about this?" Danielle says to Erika. "Is that they're sober." Ha!

James visits Janelle in the HoH room. He passively tells her to put up who she wants. He says three people have to go -- referring to Marcellas, Erika, and Danielle -- and they can go however. James says he would enjoy seeing Marcellas on the block, and he DRs that he needs to save Danielle. His problem is that Janelle really wants Danielle out. Janelle thinks that getting rid of Danielle will "break" all the floaters, but James insists that they'll just float again, and it won't solve anything. Howie enters with some food and has a seat. There is some discussion of George, and of how untrustworthy he apparently is, and how his only loyalty is to Danielle and Erika. "I have to find a way to get Danielle out of here," Janelle says. "The bitch needs to leave." Oh, come on, baby, make it nice!

Back from more commercials, it's nomination day. Erika says that she thinks Janelle is threatened by other women, because she's generally "queen bee." Not to step on her theory, but I'm fairly confident Erika is used to similar treatment in many environments. Marcellas says that Janelle is a "complete bitch." He insists that she's "ugly on the inside." George says that it's not a good day for whoever he refers to as "us." Janelle DRs that she really wants to take personal shots at people, but she's decided not to be too rude, because they're all going to be voting eventually. I'm not sure Janelle stands much chance of making a lot of points on personality. She begins to put keys in the box. Danielle says that there's no point in talking to Janelle, because she recognizes that she herself struck the first blow, so she anticipates that Janelle will strike back.

Nomination ceremony. Janelle speechifies, "I would first like to, um, start off by stating that I try not to take things personal in this game. But, you know, when people are up in the HoH room, and they're pretending to be my friend when they're ready to just backstab me when they get the chance? I take that personal." Um, [sic]. Not to mention: Duh. Not to mention: That's the part that isn't personal when it's this particular game. She also says, "If you're going to declare war on someone, you'd better finish the battle." You'd think a girl would know enough not to say that when she herself had not yet finished the battle, but there you go. And then, as she always does, Janelle throws in "With that being said," because she thinks it makes her sound smart. Little does she know it would have worked just fine to know what "pull the wool over your eyes" means.

Janelle pulls out James's key. James pulls Howie. Marcellas. (Doh!) George. Will. And...Mike. Janelle stands up and says she nominated Danielle and Erika. "Danielle, you put me up last week, and you were unsuccessful in getting rid of me. I had no choice but to put you up. Please don't take it personally." Or, presumably, the "the bitch needs to go" part. That was also totally not personal. Janelle turns on Erika. "Erika, I kind of feel like you've been floating this entire game and playing all sides of the house. I really enjoy you as a person, but I really despise your game play." Is she kidding? "Despise"? Like it's got something to do with morality? What a ridiculous hypocrite. When she's the one making deals behind her own alliance's back, she's just looking out for herself, and it's a game, and oh well, she hopes you understand. When other people look out for themselves, she "despises" what they're doing. have no idea when it was decided that being in an alliance was morally superior to not being in an alliance. Isn't the purpose of an alliance to help you win? And isn't that its only purpose, in fact? And wouldn't it be the precise moral equivalent to decide that avoiding permanent alliances would help you win? Whatever. She's a moron.

Anyway, Janelle says "with that being said" again, and she adjourns the ceremony. Erika says she thought the speech was interesting, and found "despise" to be sort of a strong word for a difference in Big Brother strategy. She also thinks it's funny that Janelle thinks she's a "floater," when in fact -- and here is your big announcement -- she's a "simple girl from a small town named...Chill," which is officially the goofiest, dumbest declaration of self-assured awesomeness that I have ever heard. And I have recapped, like, 250 episodes of reality television. That is saying quite a lot. But believe me, Erika is going to be setting some records for the ick factor before too long, so pace yourself.

Janelle sits in the DR and says this was an easy choice, claiming that Danielle came after her and then took out "one of [her] best friends," and "paybacks are a you-know-what." You said "bitch" already in the HoH room, sister. Don't get cute. For Danielle's part, she's not at all bitter about being nominated. She just thinks that Janelle shouldn't convince herself she's won the war until she does more than nominate Danielle. Seriously. That is some good advice. "Let's rumble, girl!" Danielle says in the DR. She's either seriously not upset, or she's doing the best impression of a person who isn't upset that I've ever seen. She does way too much crying over various happenings, but I will say that Danielle is capable of moments in which I like her very much. The announcer wonders who will win the veto, and whether that person will use it to save either Danielle or Erika.

And then, we get a shot of the moon. What? And then, we are in a room with night vision. What? And then, Mike is asking Erika for a kiss. What? And then, she is making out with him. WHAT? Ew. And then she says, "Night, Boogie." I cannot tell you how much money you would have to pay me to make out with a guy I would then have to call "Boogie."

Tuesday

Remember how Erika and Danielle were nominated?

It is Day 40 in the Big Brother house, and Danielle tells us that she knows Janelle is a strong player, but "woman to woman," she might just be stronger. Erika tells us that for her, it was "penthouse to the outhouse," because she started out as HoH and wound up on the block. That does suck. Back in the house, Erika semi-teases Janelle about the hyperbole of using the word "despise." Janelle grins toothily. "Sorry, I didn't know what to say." Convincing! In the DR, Janelle says, "Erika, to me, is just a scumbag of a player. I don't like floaters. Since week one, she's been hiding behind Season 6." What? WHAT? Oh, come on, lady. You can't be a floater and be aligned with ("hiding behind") one or the other of the alliances at the same time. "I don't respect players like that," Janelle says with her sense of entitlement wrapped around her neck like a python.

James, in the DR: "No surprise there, that Janelle nominates two women. It's kind of her history." True, whether it's meaningful or not. He adds that he needs to save Danielle and keep her in the game. Legion of...well, you know.

Meanwhile, Danielle and Erika talk in the red room. Danielle, as soon as she has the door closed, says, "'Despised' your game play?" Erika repeats in the DR that the "despise" thing was incredibly stupid, which is true. Marcellas joins them, and he tells Erika not to take it personally. And then Danielle lets her frustration out, just for a minute, doing a silent little fist-waving, foot-stomping dance. It's pretty funny, because she knows not to do it in front of everyone. I have to say, of all these people, Danielle is one of only a few who have learned anything from their seasons. Of course, Will learned that his technique was already perfect. Marcellas adds that they should realize the little cracks Janelle made about people being in the HoH room and pretending to be her friends were also aimed at him. True. "One of you all come down," he says, "I'm going up."

Will brings Danielle into the yellow bedroom, where he shares some news. As it turns out, everyone -- or everyone he can muster -- is going to throw the PoV so that Danielle can win it and George or Marcellas can be put up in her place. In the DR, Danielle delivers the fairly obvious news that this sounds good to her: "Let's do it!"

Later, more of Mike and Erika smooching. Boooo! I also do not approve of the Latin-flavored love music in the background. What did Cuba ever do to you, show? Mike whispers to her, "Are we continuing the charade?" Erika: "Which one?" Mike: "That we're not madly in love with each other?" Ewww. EW! Erika tells us that she really likes Mike, whom she refers to as "Mike Boogie," even in a romantic context, and she says they've hung out a bit outside the house. She does think people are getting wise to them, however, because of the way they're sleeping in the same bed. Oh, Erika. Take it from me: people are always onto you anyway. "We like each other, and there actually are genuine feelings between the two of us," she says. They also show Mike kissing the palm of her hand, which I am so in favor of that I cannot tell you, but then he's sucking on her fingers. Ick. I mean...okay, maybe I'd be in favor of that, too, but I don't want to see it, especially from him.

In the DR, Mike says, "Big Brother just brings out the romantic in me...or maybe it's the showmantic in me." That word needs to be taken out and shot. And then burned. And then: "Okay, who are we kidding? She's got a nice rack, her body is [inaudible -- something good], off the hook, oh my GOD." And then he gathers himself and adds, "But she's smart and nice, too." And then, for the first time on any reality show that I can remember, the show actually marks this desperate attempt to be funny with an actual, literal rim shot. No, seriously. With the real noise, with the drums going, "Ba-dum, chhhhh!" I want to marry a reality-show editor. Seriously. Call me!

Filler segment: Mike proposes to Erika, all jokey-like, the same way he proposed to Krista all serious-like. The only really funny part is where he says solemnly, "Erika, I came on this show looking for a lot of things. Fortune, competition...time with Chicken George." That's pretty fuckin' funny, at least when you compare it to the rest of his sense of humor. He's totally gross, but I will award the point. He immediately ruins it by implying in the DR that Erika will need to put out if she wants to stay in the house. I don't think he means it, exactly, but it's disgusting either way. "You're not going anywhere," he whispers to her.

Marcellas pays a visit to Janelle. He tells us that for a long time, he and Janelle were close friends, and then it "dissipated." He says, "I needed to find out where we stood." That's what you get when you base your friendships on reality television, which it turns out is not a good way to choose your friends. Who knew? (Oh, right: me.) They have a chat in which he asks her what she's trying to accomplish. He also tells her that he assumes they still have a deal to go to the final two together. She wants to know, if that's the case, why he's shit-talking her. He wants to know why she's shit-talking him. He also wants to know who says he's talking about her, and she mentions Will and Mike. He points out that Will and Mike are not the most reliable sources of all time.

You guys, I swear to God, I just smelled Bonne Bell Lip Smackers.

Marcellas also reminds Janelle that they have an F2 deal. She reminds him that he's in an alliance with Danielle and Erika now. He...is? I can't keep track of these alliances. Marcellas insists that he has only one deal -- and that's the one he has with her. And then, in the DR, he laughs and assures us that he would have said absolutely anything to Janelle at that moment. "I never hated you," he lies for all of us, and he promises her that his allegiance is to her. She says that she feels the same. They kiss and make up and agree to keep "acting" like they hate each other. "If I win Head of Household, the buxom blonde is toast," he says. Aw, that is love. Well, reality-show love.

Later, Will and Janelle chat about the reputed "new power" in the HoH room. He tells us in the DR that he isn't sure what was up with the sheep, so he needs another clue. He also tells us that it's very important for him and Mike to control this power, because they're "in a precarious position this week." And just like that, we are taken into the backyard, where the houseguests are being presented with their second clue, which is an oversized spool of thread and a needle. James tells us in the DR that a needle pulls thread, so his wool-pulling guess could still be right. Also, he's pretty sure he can move that rubber-tree plant. Mike asks Will about "a wolf in sheep's clothing" as a possibility. Will can't see how that would relate to the needle and thread. Details, details. George stares at the clue, trying to figure out what sewing has to do with "you are expected to expect the unexpected." He says, "Could be the Green Giant's toothpick." Still wouldn't make his guess any better. Maybe that's what's unexpected!

Mike and Will talk some more. They iron out the business about the apparently female sheep (pink bow) being called a "ewe." Marcellas ponders the clue in the red bedroom. Will is running through possibilities with Mike: "You reap what you sow," "a stitch in time saves nine," and "spinning the yarn" come up. In the red bedroom, Marcellas says, "Blanket of immunity." Yeah, good one. Aw, in honor of that answer, I feel we should all pause for a moment of silence in honor of Baby Fishmouth.

[Silence.]

Anyway, outside, Will brings up "oh what a tangled web we weave," which has nothing to do with sheep or sewing. Focus, Dr. Evil!

Janelle whispers in Howie's ear: "Wolf in sheep's clothing." Howie then busts out one of my favorite lines of the season: "Yeah! If there's a wolf or clothing in the one it's a done deal!" Oh...Howie. You know how Brian Wilson once sang, "I just wasn't made for these times?" Howie is the Brian Wilson of logic. Janelle, knowing it doesn't really seem like a very good guess, tells Howie that he should guess this one, and she'll guess after the clue. In the DR, Janelle says that she thought maybe after the sewing, the clue would be a sweater, and then there might be wolf. Ooookay. So she was thinking maybe the clue that had nothing to do with what she guessed would be followed by two clues that had something to do with what she guessed. It's one way to go, I suppose.

At Janelle's command, Howie goes and rings the bell. He goes inside the diary room and says, "Wolf in sheep's clothing." When he's done, Janelle calls him into the HoH room and wants to know if he told everyone what he guessed. He says that he did, and she gets all mad at him, until he explains that he only told the producers what he guessed, not the rest of the house. She tells him not to tell anybody what his guess was. And then as he's leaving, she urgently whispers her great idea in his ear: he's to tell everyone that he answered "spool of lies."

Do you hear the crickets?

In another classic scene, Howie wanders outside, and the other houseguests are curious about his guess. "Spool of lies," he announces. Danielle looks at him like she just ate a bug. Mike chuckles Beavis-ly: "Heh-heh, spool of lies." Erika tells Howie that she thinks it's "pretty good." Danielle turns around to Howie. "That's not what you said, did you?" He insists that it is. Howie explains it like this: "Sheep, a rug, you lie on a rug, the spool." You can't write the parts of this show that are awesome. Danielle: "Is that what you said?" Howie: "Yeah." Danielle: "Seriously?" Howie: "Yeah!" Danielle: "Are you telling me the truth?" Howie insists he has no reason to lie, already having given his guess. And then it gets better when we cut to Danielle in the DR. They wait and give her a nice pause to look into the camera disbelievingly. "Howie, why you lie?" she asks. She starts to laugh. "You're a 'spool of lies' now! Stop lying!" Back outside, James asks Howie, "Have you heard 'spool of lies'? As a saying?" Will wanders over and is told that Howie guessed "spool of lies." "'Spool of lies'?" Will asks. "I've never heard of that expression." In the DR, Will says, "Oh, what a common phrase. You always hear people saying that. 'Oh, it's a spool of lies!' 'Oh, what's that? A spool of lies!' That's the dumbest fake answer I've ever heard." Outside, Danielle still doesn't believe Howie, and keeps asking him if he's lying. When he insists that he isn't lying, she presses a little: "And...what was the...sheep?" "The sheep, you can make, like, rugs. Lie down. Carpet. The sheep, for, like, the yarn. Of the sheep." Danielle is already walking away. You could watch the ten big-budget studio comedies and see nothing funnier than that scene, which is really sad.

So now, Janelle brings everyone into the living room to choose players for the veto competition. Normally, there would be six, but since Janelle gave up her right to play, there will only be five. Danielle says that she needs Will, Mike, or James in the game to throw it to her. Janelle picks Will's name out of the bag. Erika picks Houseguest's Choice, and she picks Marcellas. Erika tells us that she trusts him. Danielle picks James. So that went pretty damn well for them.

"I knew I had a pretty good shot of winning this power of veto competition," Janelle says, and adds that since she couldn't compete, she was counting on James to win veto for her. Ugh. Elsewhere, James, Mike, and Will have a talk in which they agree that it would be very bad for James to accidentally win the veto. When Danielle comes in, Will tells her that they've all agreed to just see if they can take out Marcellas and Erika, and that way, Danielle can walk off with it. Danielle says that if they don't do this carefully and they wind up making it too obvious that they're throwing it, the alliance will be exposed. That is, of course, the risk.

Veto competition. Outside, the competitors find a whole collection of props and whatnot, all set up and ready for the game. Danielle says that she recognized the flamingos, spinning chair, and mechanical bull from past Big Brother competitions. BB2's Nicole returns to act as the host, and it turns out that she's not the only familiar face who will be returning. In this competition, they'll all watch a former player do a timed event. Then, they'll bid for the shortest time in which they think they can do the same thing. The one who bids lowest will get to try. If you do it, you get to knock someone out. If you don't, then you're out yourself.

First to appear in the yard is April, whom Howie called "Busto" last season. Her task will be to eat fifteen pieces of sushi as quickly as possible. This turns out to take her five minutes and four seconds. Poor Busto. The winning sushi bid is Will, who thinks he can eat the same amount of sushi in 2:56. He walks over to the sushi table. "We're about to show April why she's not an All-Star," he says. Will eats sushi. He tells us in the DR that he has to look like a good competitor, make Janelle think that he's trying, and keep Danielle in the game. A tall order. Will makes it through the sushi with twenty seconds or so to spare. He eliminates Marcellas, which does not please Janelle. Marcellas, unhappy that he always gets thrown out first, bitches in the DR that Will and Mike are always picking on him, and are "gayer than I am with each other." I'm not sure you want to pick that as your go-to insult, buddy. It's easy for those to backfire.

in is Scott, from Season 5. He acts so goofy running around the yard that Will thinks that they might invite him into Chill Town. Scott will be throwing rings around flamingos and trying to earn ten points. This takes Scott 1:58. Will says in the DR that he knew he wasn't going to go for this one -- he and James decided James would go. Erika and Danielle both say 1:57, and James goes with 1:40 to Will's 1:50, so James is competing. He finishes with about eight spare seconds. James decides to eliminate...Erika. Janelle makes a face. She says in the DR that she told him to get rid of Danielle, so she's starting to think that he has a deal with Danielle. Dear Janelle: The Clue Train left at 2:00, and it's like 4:30.

And now, much to Erika's delighted squeeing, here is Jack from BB4, returning to compete in this thing where you spin around in a chair and then you have to carry a full champagne glass on a tray and set it down. Jack fell on his face last time. Quite wisely, Jack gives himself about ten seconds after he stops spinning, and as a result, he's totally steady from there on, and he finishes in a total of 37 seconds. Danielle bids 27. James bids 20, and Will bids 30. So it's James, who says he was looking to throw it, but in a way that would be convincing to Janelle. I think he does decently well, but Janelle doesn't believe it. "He's just a bad actor," she DRs. Will agrees with her, and he thinks that James's performance was embarrassingly bad: "I was embarrassed for him, and I was embarrassed that he was in the Legion of Doom." Oh, Will. Don't show signs of alliance pride. There should be none of that, or I'm going to start thinking you don't know what a dork you are for being in a group that has the word "Chill" in its name.

So we are down to Will and Danielle. And who's back to ride the mechanical bull? Hardy. Hardy! Yum. Still looks pretty goddamn good after four years. Of course, he keeps his shirt on, which is both a disappointment and a suggestion that perhaps he doesn't look exactly the same. The bull throws him off after 59 seconds. Danielle bids a minute. Will bids three minutes. Janelle bitches in the DR that there was no way Will was going to beat Hardy, and no way he was going to go three minutes. As Janelle predicted, Will does not come close -- go figure. He lasts longer than Hardy, though -- about a minute and a half. Part of me thinks that's all Will really wanted. He bid three minutes to leave plenty of room to (1) throw the competition; and (2) whump Hardy. In the DR when it's all over, Will recommends to all you boys out there that you avoid any activities that involve smashing your balls on a steel machine for a minute and a half. "I have an ice pack on" -- he points to his crotch -- "and I will never be the same."

So Danielle does indeed win the veto. She tells us in the DR that the boys came through for her, and she adds, "Janelle? Maybe when you start a war, you'd better complete it." Well, exactly. A good reason not to make those remarks to begin with. "Ultimate betrayal," Howie says to Janelle. Ha! Yep. "James can kiss my ass," Janelle says, telling us that James is hanging with Danielle "for some stupid reason." I don't at all think it's because Janelle made it clear that he would always be fourth in her group of four or anything, do you? "I lost a lot of respect for James today," she says. Well, sure. People who don't do your bidding aren't likely to walk away with your respect.

Later, Danielle and Mike and Will have a little meeting in which they quietly celebrate her victory together. But Mike has ominous news: Janelle and Howie are mad at James because they think that he threw the competition and might put him up. Danielle insists, quite correctly, that Janelle and Howie can't afford to put James up. Even if they doubt him, he's better than anyone else in the house, because they've alienated everyone else. Mike reveals to Danielle what Howie said about "ultimate betrayal." This could be trouble.

Janelle, in the DR, simply cannot understand why everyone isn't doing what she tells them to do. "Danielle won the power of veto," she tells us. "I thought I made it very clear to James that I wanted Danielle to...not win the power of veto?" Janelle and Howie talk to James in the HoH room. James says that Janelle told him the most important person to not win HoH was Erika. Janelle explodes and says she didn't say that. Gee, this feels familiar, doesn't it? Janelle berates James for not taking out Danielle the way that she wanted him to. James keeps insisting he didn't understand, and she keeps insisting that she made it perfectly clear what she wanted. What she doesn't explain is why he would be obligated to do what she wanted in the first place when she's never felt obligated to do what he wanted. Why should he knock out Danielle when she wouldn't put up Will so long ago? Janelle DRs that James is lying. Howie lectures James that he shouldn't think he's going to "parachute to safety" with Danielle, because Danielle's alliance will be "decimated when Erika leaves." Howie tries to be all business when he says, "Erika goes home this week, we get the HoH and we finish the job week." Right on, Howie. Assuming you can win every competition, you've got it wrapped up. James insists that's fine, and Janelle keeps up her bullshit, claiming that before, they "completely trusted" him, and now he's "right here," she says, indicating a spot below herself and Howie.

Now, Janelle wants to know who she can put up to make sure Erika goes home. James floats George's name. She says maybe they put up Mike so that Will is stuck voting the way they want. James scrambles off to see Chill Town in the gym, and he breaks the bad news that Janelle is still pissed about the way the veto competition went, and that she wants to put one of them up to try to force votes against Erika. Will DRs that Janelle is already suspicious of James, but he wants to help her be "suspicious of [James] at all times, because I'm suspicious of him." Will and Mike go up to see Janelle to try to work on her a little.

Up in the HoH room, Janelle doesn't understand why Danielle didn't get tossed. Will basically says that he doesn't know any better than she does why James seemed to be throwing the competition. She challenges Will about the fact that he took out Marcellas instead of Danielle. "So what?" Will says. "Boogie wants Marcellas out." Aha! Do you see that? Will has managed to create an alliance with her while maintaining that up to a point, he still expects her to understand that of course he can't do everything exactly like she says. It's the brilliance of low expectations. "Boogie wants Marcellas out." In other words, "We're still allowed to want things, too." That's where people go wrong with alliances. They imply that they'll do everything by consensus, when they won't. "That's great," Howie says sarcastically. "She's the HoH!" Apparently, at some point, the rule became that you have to do whatever the HoH tells you to do all week. He is such a nitwit.

Mike and Will go on to tell Janelle that Marcellas is in an alliance with Danielle, and would have taken her off anyway, so knocking out Marcellas was equally good. Howie starts to bluster that if this is the case, then they're putting up Marcellas. Will insists that it doesn't matter -- Erika is going anyway. Janelle worries that Marcellas will get voted out, and Howie says that he'd better not, because if he does, it will mean that Will and Mike are traitors. Big boy like tricky! Janelle, utterly confounded by all that's happened, says that she is still unhappy, because she didn't want Danielle to get the veto. "We didn't either," Will says, "but...she didn't want you to win HoH, but it happened." Seriously. They did, in fact, throw this competition in particular, but this idea Janelle has that she can control the winner of every competition when she's not competing is just ridiculous. Will also throws in the observation that James is disloyal, but Howie says screw loyalty -- they need "the numbers." Such an idiot. Dude, if the guy's not with you, he's not part of your "numbers"! "If you guys don't trust James, why are we supposed to trust James?" Will asks. He tells the story -- truthfully! -- of how James just came and reported that Janelle was mad that them about the veto. "I'm like, 'Mad at me? I'm the one who ate nineteen pieces of sushi and got my ass beat like a bull! You're the one who went out like a bitch!'" Will's good at telling people what they want to hear; I'll give him that. Janelle agrees that she's upset with James for not getting rid of Danielle. "Maybe you should consider getting rid of James," Will says.

Filler segment: Erika and Janelle flirt with Will in the hot tub. "You guys are...not bad," he says. Janelle, in the DR, is unintentionally hilarious when she says, "All you have to do is give Will attention; he'll do whatever you want." And Will doing whatever Janelle wants would include...what, exactly? While Janelle doing whatever Will wants would include...basically everything she's done since about the second week? Lady, you are clean out of your mind. This turns into a four-person shower in which they are joined by Mike. In the DR, Mike and Will announce that this is what's known as "Operation Double Date." The plan is to make these women think they really like them, and actually tear their hearts out.

Ick. I don't feel bad for Janelle at all, because (1) Will has a girlfriend and she has a boyfriend, so everybody's on the same page that it's all not real; and (2) she sucks. I do, however, feel bad for Erika, who apparently...thinks there are "real feelings"? That's not comfortable to watch at all. I mean, you could say that "reaping what you sow" has application to being stupid enough to develop "real feelings" about a person named "Boogie," but I still do not like it. When Mike opines that there will be "boobies" seen in the shower, Howie gets a faraway look, and the editors insert little images of him over his own head, as if he is daydreaming of himself saying, "Boobies...boobies...boobies." It's like he's in a sitcom, but he doesn't know it. "It's all fun and games," Mike says, "until she gives it up and then gets voted out by me on Thursday." Now, see, why did you have to go and ruin something funny by being an actual psycho asshole? Booooo! Showering ensues, but the fun is all drained out of it, because Mike actually doesn't like women, and you know what's not funny? Guys who don't like women, especially when they do that "I love the ladies" thing. I Love The Ladies Guy pretty much always can't stand women -- just a hint for you to take with you.

Later, Janelle pulls Marcellas aside for a chat and says that she might have to put him up. He tells her to do what's right for her. Heh. She says that if she does it, she can promise him that he'll be safe. Showing rare self-awareness, Marcellas says, "You put me up, I'm going to go." Janelle insists he won't. He repeats that he will. She says that in that case, she won't. She also says people keep pressuring her. But in the end, she says she will not put him up.

Janelle goes off and chats with Will, telling him about her chat with Marcellas, and she says she feels horrible. He calls her "sweetheart" and tells her that she needs to decide who her alliance is. Is Marcellas in it? She says he's not. In that case, Will doesn't see what the problem is. "Someone has to leave every week," he says. "If you nominate him, he will cry the whole week, he will not go home, and he will be devastated for the HoH." That's a horrible argument, but Janelle seems to believe it. "James is shady, and Marcellas is even shadier," Will says. He's the only one you can trust, baby. He's the only one who really cares about you. He tells her that he and Mike will have her back. "You're a competitor," he tells her. "You're a warrior. This is a game. You've won three HoHs, you've won two PoVs, you are a competitor. You're going to have to be strong, put your chin up, and put his fuckin' ass on the block." It's so powerful, the way he tells the truth in with all the lying and manipulating, you know? He couldn't have given her a better speech if he meant every word of it.

Danielle contemplates her veto. She says that when she won it, she was thinking that if she's safe, she doesn't know if Mike, Will, or James will go up in her place. She calls everyone in for the veto ceremony, and with the mercy people have been showing lately, she doesn't drag it out too much -- she just vetoes herself. She also manages to do it less smugly than Janelle did last week. That, of course, is not difficult. Janelle stands up to make her replacement nominee. She says that "it's been discussed," and she says everyone's been nominated except Marcellas and George, and she's nominating Marcellas. He walks over to the chair in his flowing robe and slides into the seat dramatically, and then to the floor. It's supposed to be funny and fool you into believing that he's a good sport. In the DR, Marcellas angrily spits: "I want to walk up to busted blonde Janelle and pull that brassy blonde hair out by its black roots. Then I want to rip out her black heart and shove it down Will's cold, stupid throat." You know, I don't think he likes Will or Janelle. But I'm just guessing. Will DRs that his peeps "had some success today." They got Danielle off the block, and they got Janelle to put up Marcellas. I'd say that's a job well done, indeed. Janelle tells us she hopes Erika goes home, and if Marcellas goes home, that will be her signal that she's in trouble, because her friends aren't her real friends. Danger!

Thursday

In action, Danielle "won" the veto. Boy, was Janelle mad!

Julie Chen welcomes us to Day 46. She reminds us that we will see one more clue to the Coup D'État, and that we will then find out who won it, if anyone. I'm already really bored with it, for something that was supposed to be a "twist." Also, tonight's eviction will send out the first jury member, and there will be "a surprise for the new Head of Household" later on in the show.

But first! Janelle has power, but is she being manipulated by Will and Mike? We return in blue and white to the veto ceremony and "Janelle's" "decision" to nominate Marcellas. Once that's over, Marcellas gets hugs. Erika says that she was "shocked" to see Marcellas go up, but she did think she had a better chance of staying in the house against him than against Danielle. Marcellas reminds us in the DR that Janelle told him he was going up, but he'd be safe. "The pages of Big Brother history," he says angrily, "are littered with the corpses of people who thought that they were safe." Once again, we learn that eviction equals death. It's sad. Mostly.

In the red room with Danielle and Erika, Marcellas intones, "Marcellas is nominated...can he survive?" Given that they've both been up this week, and given that Erika still is, I'm not sure they're the ones most likely to sympathize, but he did this exact thing to Amy, as you may recall. Erika asks Marcellas if he's going to talk to Janelle. "No," he says with some frustration. "That's not my style." And then he tells Erika he won't campaign against her. And then Erika gets up and leaves. And then Marcellas immediately leans over to Danielle and says, "I still need you to vote for me." Hee. "If I stay, all hell is going to break loose in this bitch," he promises. That should make me want him to stay, but it just...doesn't. As much as I'd like this bitch to have things breaking loose, I want Marcellas to leave a little bit more, mostly because of the robe. Danielle and her robe DR that she's in a bad situation, because she promised Marcellas that if she ever felt the need to turn on him, she'd warn him. "I have a promise with Marcellas and a friendship with Erika," she says simply. What can overcome an alliance between two robes?

Outside, the Legion of Doom has a team meeting. Or a legion meeting, or a doom meeting, or whatever. Will and Mike are talking about the need to get rid of Marcellas. Mike reviews in the DR how he and Will got Janelle to put up Marcellas as a "pawn," but the actual intention is to get Marcellas voted out, because they've never trusted him. James says in the meeting that in a best-case scenario, Erika will win the HoH and eliminate Janelle, and then they can dispatch Erika the following week. "Erika is going to stab you in the back, dude," Will says to Mike. I wonder whose benefit that's for, exactly. Will says in the DR that if Chill Town (barf) is the Beatles, then Erika is the Yoko, and she's been around too long already and threatens to "ruin [their] career." Yoko is such a scapegoat, dude. Stop slaggin' her for breaking up the Beatles. Danielle says in the DR that it's going to get hectic if they oust Marcellas and Janelle realizes that she was taken. James tells the rest of the legion that he wants to boot Marcellas just to see Howie and Janelle stand there looking stupid, which causes Will to chuckle over how mean everyone is. Because he's not at all, you see.

In the red bedroom, Erika talks to George, and he warns her that she will really need to "hustle" to stay in the house. "Do I have your vote?" she says. Ultimately, he does tell her, "you're covered." This scene isn't that interesting, except that George is wearing a giant sombrero and Erika is taking off her bikini top under her sweatshirt as they're talking. Just another day in the Big Brother house.

thing George knows, he's being cornered by Marcellas, who also wants a vote. George claims not to have made any commitments to anyone. It's probably as close as he can reasonably come to not lying. Marcellas does a good job of advocating for himself by reminding George of some truly obscure trivia, like the fact that Erika took him out of the very first HoH competition with the meteors as well as the HoH competition with the trivia questions. Marcellas has undoubtedly waited his whole life for a chance for his tendency to hold grudges to come in this handy. If you're looking for a guy to remember past slights, after all, this is the guy. I guess it's easier to remember the meteor competition because everyone told Erika she killed Chicken George. Good times. What a ride. Anyway, Marcellas urges George to vote against Erika, making all his choices for petty personal reasons, the way Marcellas would. Their conversation ends without apparent resolution.

Janelle and Marcellas talk in the red room. She promises him that he's not going home. The editing staff helpfully blurs Janelle's butt crack for her. Marcellas is not buying her repeated assurances that there's no way Mike and Will are going to try to flip the votes and take him out. Marcellas strolls outside immediately to find Mike and Will, who are hanging out by the pool. He informs them, wearing both sleep mask and robe, that Janelle has told him he's not going home and that they're going to vote for him to stay. "Let's keep it real quiet," Will says, "and you will absolutely stay this week, you have my personal guarantee." Marcellas wants to know how he can believe that when everybody else says they've wanted him out since the first day. Mike tells him that all those people are acting out of "selfish interests." Marcellas declares that he's going to take their word for it, and then he stomps off. "Sucker," Mike mutters. "You're going down." That really only kills the elegance of Will's work when he does that.

Julie takes us to the living room. She tells us that it's "prom night." Danielle is rather elegantly dressed in white, and Mike is wearing a blue tux with a ruffled lavender shirt and a lavender cap. Howie is wearing a tux with a blue bow tie, and is sporting a moustache that officially constitutes the most hideous facial hair since...well, Josh. Janelle is in a pretty red dress, because nobody would make her look un-pretty. Erika: same, only her dress is black. Will is in a tux with a light grape shirt and the return of his Peter Brady hair. Note: this isn't permed, I-have-a-secret-twin Peter. This is "pork chops and applesauce" Peter, with the waves. You dig? James actually...okay, he looks skinny and weird, but the outfit is almost so bad it's good, with a white dinner jacket over a lavender, open-too-low shirt. Marcellas is sporting the huge afro wig and a plum tux. George, of course, looks ridiculous, and his jacket looks like it's made of tin-foil. It matches his Elton John red sunglasses and his...top hat. Well, sure. Julie reminds them that the HoH competition will send them back to high school, but she also reminds them that they saw lots of old friends this week. Howie, how was it seeing Busto? Howie says it was just fine to see her, but he makes no sense, as is often the case. When Howie says he loves April, Julie says, "You really do? Or is that...a spool of lies?" Everyone laughs hysterically. Good one, Julie Chen!

Now, Julie turns to Mike, asking him about the moment when the house was haunted last week and he responded by running in a fashion that, among other things, almost flung Janelle and Erika to the floor. It was rather Roadrunner in its way, with his feet very nearly scrabbling in the air about six inches above the floor. She asks whether he believes in "women and children first." I find it a little funny that Julie wants to badly to rag on him for this situation that she reaches all the way back to last week. For whatever reason, the houseguests appear to be in pretty good spirits, all sort of hanging out and laughing at each other in a way that looks fairly good-natured. I wonder what that's about. Maybe they're all drunk.

When we come back from commercials, it's time for reality television's favorite thing: two women playing hard against each other. In other words: Cat fight! Mrrooowwwrr! In this case, we are focused on Janelle and Danielle, whose mothers are about to discuss their rivalry. ("Hisss! Ftt ftt!") We see a scene from the house in which Danielle's fortune cookie talks about taking a pleasant journey to a faraway place, and Janelle weakly says, "Sequester!" She doesn't quite have it in her to make it funny, so it just comes off like she doesn't want anybody to think she's being mean. Kind of passive-aggressive. Danielle doesn't seem to think it's funny.

In Grand Rapids, Minnesota (wooooooo!), we meet Janelle's mother Ann, who tells us Janelle was "average." And shows us that she was not blonde. Her mother remembers the part where she "blossomed," which, according to the pictures, was the part where she started putting her makeup on with a spatula. Of course, her mother tells us that she didn't get along with other girls, because they were jealous of her. Yawn. "They're all just jealous, baby! Nothing to do with your attitude!" How may girls have been ruined by that? Mom explains that this is why Janelle is "very selective" about women friends (read: doesn't have any). I love the idea of your mom going on television and saying you can't be friends with women because they're all jealous of you. You're supposed to make the Kool-Aid, Janelle's Mom. Not drink it.

In Vacaville, California, we meet Danielle's mom, who is gorgeous and tells us that Danielle was a "go-getter." I can believe that. As her mom explains, Danielle got pregnant when she was fifteen. "She stepped up to her responsibility," her mother says, "and I was so proud of her." Her mom also says Danielle is "very analytical," and that Janelle is more emotional. Very true, that. Janelle's mother says that she thinks Danielle knows Janelle is smarter than she looks. Which, of course, would not be difficult. And which, sadly, is a theory that's harder to adopt now that we know she has never heard of several common phrases. Danielle's mom says that Danielle is a "leader." Danielle's mom sort of admires the way the two have been going back and forth, one thinking she's rid of the other one, only to be thwarted at the last minute. Janelle's mother thinks that the two women have many "simularities" [sic]. She thinks they should have teamed up. But how could that happen, when Danielle is just jealous? Danielle's mom just thinks it's all fun to watch. Verdict: Danielle's mom would be more fun to have dinner with.

After another set of commercials, it's time to interview Janelle in the HoH room. As always, this discussion is completely pointless. Julie asks about how Janelle started to question James after the veto competition, not that she didn't question James from the very beginning. Janelle says she still would like to think she can trust James, but she sure thought it looked like he threw that veto competition to Danielle. She says she doesn't know, which is sort of a running theme. Julie asks about how things are with Marcellas. Janelle says they're trying to "mend [their] friendship," and unbelievably goes on to bitch about how last week, they were fighting because Marcellas was hanging around with Danielle and wasn't paying enough attention to her. So she wants us to believe it was lack of fawning that pissed her off? No, wait -- never mind. Actually, I do believe that, especially now that she says it. Julie asks about the supposed alliance between Janelle and Marcellas, but Janelle repudiates it and says that she doesn't think she can trust Marcellas that much anymore. "I want to go to the end with Season 6, obviously," she says. Well, obviously. Better to lose than to change your game plan.

Now, as Janelle strolls back to the living room, Julie brings up the Coup D'État again. She reminds us that there were three clues, and that the houseguests only had one chance each to make a guess. We are shown the sheep and the spool of thread again. Oh, I'm sorry -- the spool of lies. This time, we see Mike ring the bell and go into the diary room. "My official guess," he says, "is 'you reap what you sow.'" Then, they all run inside the house to see clue number three, which is...the grim reaper with a giant sickle. Mike does not do a good job of hiding his excitement. And then Janelle herself goes into the diary room. "My official guess," she says, pointing her finger for emphasis, "is 'sow what you reap.'" Which is incredibly stupid, because the reaping comes after the sowing. It's like saying "start what you finish" instead of "finish what you start." The fact that it's nonsensical probably has something to do with the fact that it's not a saying.

Mike is called into the diary room, where it is explained to him that he has won the special power. Julie Chen is there, and she explains to him that he won what they're calling the Coup D'État. He can exercise it once over the three evictions starting tonight. Right before the vote, he'll get the chance to overthrow the HoH and replace the nominees. He cannot replace them, however, with the overthrown HoH or the veto holder, which renders the power...not that interesting, really, with so few people left. He and the old HoH will not get to vote. She says, "Big Brother will not reveal this power to the other houseguests until the day you choose to use it. So choose wisely." He leaves the room, and he informs us in a voiceover that he is "speechless."

Julie wonders aloud whether Janelle will be overthrown, and whether Erika or Marcellas might be saved from being evicted. Dun-dun-duuuuun!

After some more commercials, it's time for the live vote. Well, almost. First, we have to have the coup explained again. Julie takes us back to the living room, where she reminds everyone that there's this new power. She also reveals something to us that was not said to Mike in the DR, as far as we know -- she says, "they are not allowed to reveal the power until the moment it's used." Now, if the winner wants to use the power, he should stand up now. Nobody stands up. We move along. So it will be Erika or Marcellas. Before the vote, they each have a chance to make a speech on their own behalf.

First, Erika. She echoes James from last week, saying that she thinks that the other houseguests should keep her if they think she could help with their strategy. Marcellas? "No big speeches," he says. "We each get to choose how we play this game. If you want this game to be about lies, and scumbagging each other, and you can live with that when it's over, that's great. I've tried to be honest, I've tried to be friends with everybody, and I hope that you guys know that's what I wanted. So if you can lie to me in my face, send me out under these circumstances, that's all I can do. I want to stay. All I can say is please." I have lots to say about the sentiments he has just expressed, but let's put it this way: Boy, am I glad he didn't make any big speeches!

Now, it's time for voting. Mike is up first, and he votes to evict Marcellas. And he does so rather gleefully, I must say. Howie then votes to evict Marcellas. Or, as he says, "Marjealous." Julie forces him to say it correctly, which is kind of killjoy of her. James votes against Marcellas, but he does not look thrilled. Will votes against Marcellas. George votes against Marcellas. Danielle? Also votes against Marcellas. She looks very crushed, which may or may not have any genuineness to it whatsoever. She might just be pinching her leg. Julie takes us back to the living room, where it is revealed that by a 6-0 vote, Marcellas is going home. Yipes. Unanimous hurts. He throws a couple hugs on the way out, but he also bails very quickly. Still in his giant afro wig and unfashionable tux, he makes his way to Julie Chen, who asks whether he wore the wig so she wouldn't hit him. He didn't, but I bet he's really sorry. His big moment, and he's badly dressed!

Back in the house, Danielle cries all over herself. Everyone's still alive, Danielle! James comforts her, which means she's pretty desperate.

Back out in the power gazebo, Julie talks to Marcellas about how he supposedly had this deal with Janelle, and she asks him how he's feeling about that. Marcellas basically says that he never believed Janelle anyway, because she "lies as much as she breathes." He admits that his deal was "to scumbag Kaysar for her and to get rid of Howie for her." True or not, it's interesting that this was his perception and it didn't bother him. Julie reminds him of some of his Janelle comments, including his bit about ripping out her heart. Marcellas tries to act remorseful, but then he happily adds the part about ripping out her hair first. Asked if the rhetoric was "a little extreme," Marcellas says that it was, and somehow, he says that his decision not to shit-talk people this year was his undoing. He talks about how dramatic it can feel, "fighting for what feels like your life." Shouldn't feel like your life! Should feel like a reality show! Is a reality show! He says that he was bounced because he is too soft-hearted and wouldn't have put up Janelle. "So you wouldn't have double-crossed her," Julie says. "I'm totally incapable of doing stuff like that!" Marcellas exclaims with a grin, pretending to be frustrated but actually just basking. Too awesome! Too awesome to play this game of non-awesome people! That is uncanny, the way he was voted out for the same reasons as Kaysar and everybody else. This is like a horror movie. Awesomest person dies first. Which explains why they started by killing off Alison Irwin.

And now: goodbye messages. George mentions the slop pass, which is probably not that smart, because I'm sure Marcellas believes George owed him a vote for that reason. James says, "You'd better not be watching this, because if you are, it means Chill Town screwed us over and your girl shouldn't have nominated you." Janelle assures him that he was intended as a pawn, and she's so sorry! Will: "At the end of the day, you're charismatic, you're funny, you're very good-looking. People spark to your personality. That threatened me, and Chill Town as a group. So I'm sorry for this, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what I've done." What's awesome about that is that it's deadpan, but Marcellas knows it's bullshit, and Will knows Marcellas knows, and Marcellas knows Will knows he knows, which is why it's so frustrating. Marcellas, in fact, hollers during the middle of it, "Evil Doctor Ill!" But in the end, he will convince himself that in fact, the reason Will did that was that he was threatened. Because that's what Marcellas does. Everybody's just jealous. I'm not saying Marcellas will vote for Will, but Marcellas could vote for Will, and there are lots of people Marcellas could never vote for.

Marcellas is able to smile warmly at a farewell message from Danielle, who comes on screen crying and says, "Marcellas, you have to understand. This is a game. And it's an ugly game." She goes on about how she's so glad they're friends known and whatnot. Julie asks Marcellas how he now feels about Danielle, and he tells this whole story about how he was so mad at Danielle for four years, and in the house, he found a way to forgive her. For, you know, beating him. Mostly, he just congratulates himself for letting go of his anger. He throws one more little dramatic fit about not wanting to go to a sequester location in "Tijuana," and then we're done with Marcellas. Coming up? HoH.

Julie informs us when she returns that this is a double eviction week. What that means is that the new HoH tonight will have to make nominations immediately, and then we will see an eviction on Sunday. The houseguests, of course, don't know this yet.

As for the HoH, all the badly dressed houseguests wander out into the backyard, where they greet a big platform with a track for each of them to follow that's headed by a picture of them at approximately prom age. They all look as you'd expect, but Erika had really, really Molly Ringwald hair, and George wanted to be the Nerd Beatle. Oh, and we learn that America voted for Janelle for prom queen, which is just another indication that I am out of step with America, which also likes Carrie Underwood and George W. Bush. On the other hand, it's sort of fitting, because I've never thought real high-school prom queens were very awesome, either. Normally, this would give an advantage in the HoH competition, but she can't play -- HA! -- so she just gets a crown. Whatever.

In tonight's HoH competition, everyone will be blindfolded, and they will hold on to poles to them to guide them down the board. Whenever they get a question right -- which they will do by raising their hands -- they can take a step forward by feeling along the posts. The questions are based on America's answers to the "Most Likely To Succeed"-type questions that ran on the CBS site last week. You will not, incidentally, be hearing about the answer to "Most Likely To Die Alone," which many voters -- including myself -- found a little harsh. Can you imagine? Doesn't mean I didn't vote, of course.

First question: Who was Most Intelligent: Will or Danielle? It was Will. Woot! Biggest Whiner: James or Marcellas? It was Marcellas. Good for you, America. Worst Dressed: George or Howie? It was George, and everybody who said Howie (which is most of them, other than Danielle and Howie) threw that question. Best Dressed: Janelle or Marcellas? Janelle. Bleh. Life of the Party: Mike or Howie? What a horrible choice. The answer turns out to be Howie. Gross. Mike is really offended. Most Likely To Break Hearts: Will or Mike? Will, of course. Most Likely To Win A Nobel Peace Prize: Erika or George. ERIKA OR GEORGE? Whatever. The answer is George. George is the only one to get it right, and he says, "What do you know?" Biggest Flirt: Janelle or Howie? The answer is Janelle.

That brings us to the end of the regular questions, which gives a tie between George and Danielle. George is shocked. They pick up their chalkboards to answer the tiebreaker. The question is how many minutes the houseguests went without hot water. Neither one of them winds up in remotely the correct order of magnitude, because it was several days, and they both answer in the 300 area. George answers 360 (which is six hours), and Danielle answers 308 (just over five hours). The answer was over 6000 minutes. Six thousand minutes is four days, just so you know. They answered five or six hours when the right answer was four days. I do not suggest them for the space shuttle program. ("Where are we, Saturn? Oh, oh, I get it, that's the airport...yeah, I can see my house, actually.")

So George is HoH, but as Julie tells us, George will have to make his nominations right this minute.

And when we return from commercials, everyone is chilling in the living room. George's jaw drops when he says that he has to announce his nominees right this minute. He pauses, and then he nominates James and Erika. Not a bad job for having to do it on the fly, because they're not earth-shattering nominations. Nobody is going to turn on you for nominating those two people.

So we will have to see whether James or Erika can win a veto, and who will go up if either of them pulls it off. This week is going to be very active, folks, so keep your ears open.