Sunday
So Janelle is HoH, and her room looks like it would please an unformed twelve-year-old, so as you can imagine, it pleases her. She chirps about how awesome she is and how dominant she is, and then she proceeds to hem and haw for an hour because she has no idea whom to nominate. Her bad-ass tendencies, it seems, are in conflict with the fact that she doesn't want anyone to be mad at her. She's also become fascinated with Will in spite of herself, so when he gives her an hour-long puppet show in the tub about why she should nominate floaters, she's suddenly not so sure she wants to nominate Will and Mike, as her alliance is encouraging. In other news, the food competition lands about half the house on slop, including a delightfully unhappy Marcellas. Ultimately, Janelle hedges by nominating Erika and Mike. Which...doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's becoming increasingly obvious that S6 has no plan other than talking a lot about the right way to play the game. Nobody misses Jase after the first five minutes, by the way.
Tuesday
Mike and Erika are on the block, and they're both nervous. By the time the veto competition comes around, however, Janelle has made a deal with Mike and Will to return to the idea of nominating a "floater" if Mike can get off the block. She tells Howie not to let Diane or Erika win the veto, and she then makes an enormously unsubtle effort to hand the veto to Mike and Will. Mike does walk away with it, and Janelle then chokes when trying to explain all this to her "alliance," which she has kept in the dark. Howie catches her flat-out lying to Kaysar and James, which...when Howie catches you, you're not doing very well. James can't believe she's going to pass up another opportunity to put Will up after she already went back on what he thought was their agreement to get rid of Will or Mike this week after he got rid of Jase like she wanted last week. So James is pretty much out of S6, and Janelle has alienated everyone, and after she nominates Diane, she basically doesn't have a friend in the world. In other news, half the house is subjected to the new Will Ferrell movie, about which they are strangely silent. I feel them on that one.
Thursday
Erika and Diane are up on the block, and Princess Janelle wants Diane out. Everyone else sort of wants Diane to stay, but they've all promised to keep Erika since before the veto competition even happened, and nobody is in the mood to rock the boat, since it's clear that the S6 crew has lost power and there's about to be a scramble. So Diane is evicted 7-1 after Will throws a vote the other way, and she pitifully complains that it was all personal. After that, we start an endurance HoH competition, but if you want to know who won, you'll have to find yourself some spoilers. Things are just beginning to get interesting, thanks to Will (as usual), so there might be hope for the season, after all.
What I love about Big Brother is that sometimes, a Survivor or an Amazing Race contestant accomplishes something that makes me feel a little inadequate. I watch this show secure in the knowledge that I will never encounter that problem. Thank you, Big Brother, for never exploring what allows the human spirit to soar. Someone has to stay down here with all us flightless penguins, and I'm honored that it's you.
Sunday
You'll remember that when we last left Biosuck II, Will had attempted to lead the week in accumulation of personal animosity by telling everyone how much he hated them, but he was upstaged by Jase, who flipped his streaky, spiky lid, then tried to chew the top off of Marcellas's head, resulting in his ouster. Janelle won HoH, and she did her hair-tossing dance of joy, flashed her sparkly teeth, and continued to pull the ears off of kittens for fun. (Okay, that's just a rumor that I'm kind of trying to start. A girl needs ambition, you know.)
Jase is unanimously re-evicted 9-0 in blue and white Rehash-O-Vision. The only event of note is that he does a little damage -- either intentionally or inadvertently -- to Danielle and Diane by saying that he wants them to walk him to the door. It's kind of like, "Before I am executed for treason, I just want to give shout-outs to my pals Frank and Pete in the Dallas office of the ATF. They know why. Rock on!" Mike tells us that it's better for Jase to leave than Will, but Mike is sad about the end of his allegiance with Jase, because they have the same "fighting spirit." So apparently, Jase has the kind of fighting spirit that asks other people's fighting spirits to step outside, but then if they say yes, says it won't even bother, because it has an early meeting and this is bullshit, man. Kind of the pansy-ass kind of fighting spirit, is what I'm saying.
Relatively recently bald Kaysar calls Jase's departure "heart-wrenching," meaning that Kaysar's heart brackets are in dire need of tightening. "This was probably the worst eviction yet," he says, in the same way in which he usually says things like that. The hardest week ever, the worst week yet, the hardest eviction of all time. I envision Kaysar out to dinner with friends, rubbing his head and saying, "This is probably the toughest salt shaker I've ever used." And then Kaysar looks somberly at us and says, "He left for strategical purposes." I'm aware that it's officially a word, "strategical," but it's just so ugly. And just as Chicken George's tin-foil suit kind of ruined the mood of last week's pity party for Nakomis, it's a little tough to get choked up in the face of George's "Mr. Fart" shirt. Mr. Fart is a person! With feelings! Not to mention gas.
For whatever reason, Danielle is all upset in the DR, telling us that Jase deserved to stay longer, that his eviction was "ugly," and that "this is when you really hate the game." Boy, she and I are on really different wavelengths. The part where you evict the loser with the sleeveless T-shirts, the bandanna, and the 'roidy-looking pecs? That is not when I really hate the game. That is when I get another Diet Coke, lean back in my chair, and hit the eight-second rewind button on my TiVo. In color, Will smiles to himself, because he just got not-evicted, and getting not-evicted is his favorite thing.
Diane DRs it was too bad that Jase left, but she's cried a lot and doesn't have any more tears left for him. Yeah, I have to say, if we're conserving scarce resources, I think I'd go the same way. Especially after Jase turned into Rage Q. Nuttyson and left with his own bootprints decorating his ass. Diane also says that Jase leaving "proves that there really isn't a 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith' alliance." I think what she means is that having him gone will stop people from focusing on that issue, but it came out kind of awkward. Diane also appears to be wearing a peach satin and lace camisole around the house, as well as in her DR interview. Ah, lingerie as outerwear. Maybe all her T-shirts with slogans are in the dryer.
We see again how Will, right after Jase leaves, sinks down into a chair until he's almost lying down in it, and then he smirks that he's "sad, but...jealous." Because on the one hand, Jase had to leave. But on the other hand, Jase got to leave. Will gives an apparently unironic DR in which he says that Jase was sent out in a fairly low-class manner, because they didn't tell him the truth about what they had planned, and he was ultimately "back-doored." Which, of course, is really not true. A true back-dooring, it seems to me, involves not nominating you the first time around, but intending all along to veto someone and nominate you on the second try, so that you won't have a chance to take yourself off. James nominated George and Will with every intention of leaving the nominations as they were. I happen to think "back-dooring" is a perfectly valid strategy with no integrity issues involved anyway, but even if you were going to object to it, this wouldn't be it, so Will is being stupid. I sentence him to walk around smirking at the camera and making fun of everyone, preferably with his hair combed nicely. Hey, he's got to learn somehow.
I apologize in advance, by the way, for all the times you're going to hear the phrase "back-doored." I don't mean it in the Jim Morrison way. I don't think the houseguests do, either, although I'll tell you, it's not always obvious.
James explains the whole back-dooring thing, saying that Jase dropped out of both HoH and veto competitions last week, so he did it to himself. He wasn't kept out of the veto competition, after all -- he neglected to go for the veto for last week in order to keep in the running for this week, which it turns out isn't relevant, because last week was his last week. I don't know. Third base!
Mike and Will have another DR session in which they pantomime their way through another imaginary phone call. It's a lot like the coconut phone on Survivor, except that Mike's the coconut. Will explains to a disbelieving Coconut Mike that he was on the block, and that even though he told everyone in the house that he hated them all, he didn't get one vote. And then they both laugh hysterically, which is the "Th-th-th-that's all, folks!" of this routine. I think it's really interesting that they've hit on that particular routine, because that's what I've always found appealing about Will's game -- it's not that he thinks he's that smart; it's that he always can't believe how easy people are to fool, which is quite a different thing.
In the DR, Marcellas twitters, "Everybody's sad that Jase left, but I'm not!" I can't wait until Marcellas leaves. I intend not to be sad, appropriately enough. "He behaved badly," Marcellas pronounces, stepping into his favorite role as Arbiter Of That Which Is Moral. I'm not sure when the elections for that position were held, but I think everyone I know must have been in the hospital. Or on the way to the hospital getting carsick, or maybe working. "Good riddance to bad rubbish," Marcellas says, stealing liberally from everyone's grandfather. Jase's picture goes black and white.
There is a house powwow in which Marcellas does one of his other favorite things, which is to invite a bunch of people to discuss the moral inferiority of someone who isn't present. He talks about how he voted out Jase because he just couldn't live with Jase anymore. Too much bad behavior! I do believe he reaches for the word "anathema," but doesn't quite get there. Marcellas also proudly says that he asked Jase whether his mother would approve of the way he was behaving in the house, and Jase admitted that she wouldn't. James quite rightfully points out how ridiculous this is, saying that none of them are exactly living up to their parents' highest expectations for them at this moment. Seriously, would Marcellas's mother have approved of the way he treated Amy in his first season? Would she have approved of the tirade that ended with telling Jase, basically, "You know, nobody likes you!" Danielle explains that she isn't saying that Jase didn't have bad moments, but he also had good moments that she would like to remember, so she's not so interested in sitting around trash-talking Jase the way Marcellas wants to. So what happened here, basically, is that Marcellas lost his audience. Danielle tells us in the DR that "Jase was a man of his word." I'm not sure I'd go that far, lady. But she says she didn't want to hear people "drag him through the mud." The only thing that makes me at all sympathetic to what she's saying is that it's Marcellas, you know? He does this every time. Something happens, and he manages to find the Aesop's fable hiding inside it, and all the Aesop's fables are called "Marcellas and the [Blank]," and in every single one of them, [Blank] is horribly thwarted, while Marcellas becomes the king and gets a crown and has people to give him pedicures for free every day for the rest of his life.
Howie and James have a chat, in which Howie insists that S6 did nothing wrong by going back on their deal with Jase, but James continues to feel like they did, and thus has some sympathy for Jase's frustration. James DRs that he's "rationalizing" his decision to boot Jase based on Jase's declaration that he was going after Janelle and Danielle -- "two women that I am supposed to protect." So there's more to James's game plan than S6, as we've been discovering. Howie, on the other hand, gripes in the DR that Jase flirted with Mike and Will and kept switching sides. He can't believe Jase expected to "have [his] corn and eat it, too." Only Howie would find cake-having too complicated a metaphorical concept to retain accurately.
Blue and white Janelle becomes HoH again. "I'm the first person to have HoH twice this season," she chirps in the DR. "What can I say?" she giggles. "I dominate in this game." Oh, for fuck's sake. Both of her HoH victories have been the result of other people making the decision to knock out other people before they knocked her out. She didn't do anything "dominant" in this challenge; that's so stupid. Talk about believing your own press, for God's sake. "I feel sorry for the other houseguests," she announces, "because we're pretty much steamrolling through the house at this point." And then she laughs that stupid, smug laugh that other blonde women hate her for employing because it makes them all look like flighty idiots. Tara Reid is like, "Thanks for making it so I can't hang with librarians anymore."
In the DR, Marcellas announces that he and Janelle have "a secret deal" that's above her alliance with S6. Or, presumably, he hopes it is. I never understand why people presume to know how other people prioritize the multiple loyalties that they've undoubtedly all developed. He claims to have hoped she would throw the competition, which I can't believe, given how easy the questions were and how long it took her slowly churning brain to get the last one. I assumed he threw it to her, actually. He must be even dumber than she is. I can see why he and Janelle don't have a lot to talk about besides manicures and disliking other pretty girls. I think he only knows a really small number of things, and basic vocabulary apparently isn't among them. Anyway, he says that for Janelle to be HoH is "fantastic."
Will and Mike hug and speculate that they're going home, now that Janelle is in power. Will says in the DR that Janelle is a really good competitor, a comment that immediately makes him drop ten points in my estimation. Then Diane gets all pissy about how S6 is winning everything, and how they're just "Nerd Herd, Part II." That much is very, very true. Diane wonders whether America is enjoying Janelle and her team and their bullshit. "I just want to see somebody else get HoH. I mean, is that too much to ask?" It is when you don't get any questions right, nitwit. Also, a reminder of a position I hold dear: die, alliance-naming, die!
In the gym, Mike wants to know why Will didn't take Janelle out of the HoH competition when he had the chance, but took out Howie instead. Will admits it was probably a mistake. He says that he was thinking that he could take all of the S6 players out one at a time, but also halfheartedly defends his choice, saying that if it had to be one of them, at least they have a little bit of a relationship with Janelle. Unlike Howie, who we know about, and Kaysar, who...is Kaysar, and is so unemotional this season that he can only be spoken to in binary code, which isn't Will's native tongue. Will tells us in the DR that in the event that either Kaysar or Janelle won, he felt like he could at least talk strategy with them, but he knew he couldn't discuss strategy with Howie, on account of Howie being dumb.
Furthermore, as it turns out, in the week's most predictable development, Will has started a bit of a flirting thing with Janelle, to which she is entirely unable to control her reaction. "Janelle has fallen madly, madly in love with me," he explains in the DR while wearing this weird giant headband that somebody on the boards reported is a converted T-shirt sleeve, which I suppose is...true. Bad, Dr. Will. Very, very bad. Anyway, Janelle tries to be funny by saying that she loves Will, and by hanging all over him, and she does it in that great kidding/not-kidding way that ultimately means "not kidding." I know it so, so well. My favorite part is where Will does a DR phone call to Coconut Mike (not pictured) in which he refers to Janelle as "that big, freaky cartoon chick." And then Will smiles, nods quasi-smoothly, and slimes, "Dude, she's waaaaay into me." See that? It's called not taking yourself seriously, Kaysar. Might want to look into it. Janelle claims in the DR that this is "a strategy to work Will over." Yeah. Working like a charm, there, dear. Janelle informs us that she is so amazing that the power of her flirtation renders Will completely helpless. I'm sure that's it exactly. Because as an L.A. plastic surgeon, he's probably never seen the likes of her before. Will, on the other hand, tells us that "they key with women and Janelle specifically" is that you always "leave them wanting just a little bit more." I'd argue, but it's kind of why I'm recapping the season, so whatever. Janelle congratulates herself on having "made the evil doctor nervous." She really, really does not understand Will at all. If attention from large-breasted blondes made Will nervous, he would be unable to function in the environment in which he typically exists.
Now, everyone pretends to want to see Janelle's HoH room with her. Which none of them actually does, because no one cares, because it's the same thing every week. "Ohhhh, pictures of people I don't know. Awesome." Mike, who has donned the Afro wig that's been kicking around the house, tells us that he hates this more than anything about the house -- this "fake-ass walk" like they care. I hate it when Mike speaks what's in my heart. It turns out that pretending to care about Janelle's room is going to be harder than usual, because of all the ugly HoH rooms you're ever going to see, this one is the ugliest. If you imagine everything covered in the fur of Pepto-Bismol promotional shag carpeting, you'll be close. Remember on Friends, with Joey's pillow and the Muppet skin? Okay, I'm assuming that wasn't real Muppet skin, but I'm pretty convinced that this is. Everything is furry and pink, and neither the furry quality nor the pink quality is of the nice sort. The fur seems like deep-pile polyester, and the pink is...yeah, Pepto. Only more fluorescent, really. I'm thinking they're not splurging on the furnishings for these rooms that are going to be on television for a week and then disappear forever. Janelle, class act that she is, declares the room "so beautiful." She says that she feels like a princess; Erika thinks it feels like they're in Barbie's Dream House. Preach it, Erika. I half-expect it to feature an elevator you pull with a string. "It's horrible," Marcellas says, in palpable physical pain, giving us all one of those moments that represents him at his bitchy, woeful best. In the DR, he calls the pink room "an abomination."
Later, inside said abomination, Janelle chats with James and Howie, and announces to them, "There's two Chill Town. There's four of us. There's five floaters." So she's got the math down, anyway. I wonder if she stomps her foot to get the answers. Just kidding! She'd actually need an assistant, because it turned out that horse couldn't really do math. Anyway, Janelle asks about Diane, but James wants to know about Mike, and why on earth they wouldn't get rid of him or Will. Kaysar comes in at this point to explain -- I'm totally not kidding -- that the reason you can't take out Will and Mike is that if you do, then when a floater gets power, they won't have anyone to come after besides you. So they'll come after you. Do you get the demonstrable stupidity of this? You're trying to keep floaters from coming after you when you know that MIKE AND WILL ARE ALSO GOING TO COME AFTER YOU. If you take somebody out who's going to go after you, that's one less person to go after you. Leaving people who are threats and taking out people who aren't threats so that there will be other threats besides you when other people who aren't threats are in charge later? It's so bad, strategically speaking. In fact, Kaysar says that the perfect reason to take out Diane is that nobody has any association with her, so no one will be upset. Because she has no connections, and thus, she has no power. Making her a great person to spend your HoH week trying to get out! Janelle goes on to refer to Diane as "the most dangerous floater." Okay, stay with me, nitwits. If Diane has so little to do with anyone else that nobody will be angry if you boot her, she's not dangerous. What is the problem?
James basically says the same thing I'm saying in the DR, that it's insane to go after "timid" Diane, instead of Will and Mike, who are running around openly telling everyone that they want to go after S6. "I don't know how these people can be so stupid," James says, folding his hands behind his head and staring despondently at the ceiling. With that, I am ready to induct James into the official Watching This Show In My Living Room Club.
Back in the abomination, James tells Janelle and Kaysar that if they're determined to follow this particular plan because it's best for them, then they should know that in future weeks, he'll be doing what's best for him. And good for him. "I don't know why we're playing with fire for the fourth week in a row," James tells them. Which: exactly.
Later on, James takes Diane aside to have a little chat. He warns her that there are moves being made against her, and tells her that she needs to talk to Janelle and make it clear that she's not a threat. Diane DRs that she has started getting information from James, and that they get along with each other.
Diane goes up to the abomination and lies down on the big pink bed, telling Janelle that she hates being there because she's "not a kiss-ass." All appearances to the contrary, of course, since she has more than obviously put in this appearance to kiss Janelle's ring. Diane tells Janelle that she likes her, adores James, likes Howie, and "admires" Kaysar. Poor Kaysar. It's hard being boring. She also rolls over on her back, exposes her figurative belly, and reminds Janelle that she has no allies, so she doesn't have anyone she can trust and nobody trusts her. Diane says that she doesn't want to go home. Janelle says that she heard from Mike and Will that Diane wanted to put her up. Diane denies it. "They're throwing me under the bus!" she complains. That goddamn bus. It comes by, like, every five minutes this season. If you could just learn the bus schedule so you couldn't get thrown under it while it was coming, you would make it to the final two, unless somebody invented something new, like, "They're throwing me into the tar pit." Because then, you might get thrown into a tar pit.
Diane DRs that she did not enjoy groveling for her life: "It's so retarded." Oh, Diane. "If I don't nominate you, can that be, like, a sign of trust?" Janelle asks Diane in the abomination. Diane agrees. What's she going to say? "No, I'll probably put you up the first chance I get"? Diane promises that she'll "show it back to you" if she's shown trust. And then they hug awkwardly, with the whole thing happening in the arms, which is because they hate each other. Diane DRs that she's not sure whether the trip up there did any good. As she leaves the abomination, Diane tells Janelle she's just sure that outside the house, they're going to be great friends. Janelle agrees. They are both the fakiest fakers that ever faked a fake. And then Diane blows a kiss on the way out. That's what we call milking it, sweetheart. I have to wonder how either of them believed the other one of them would be fooled by that particular scene. It seems like they could have saved a lot of time if Diane had stuck her head in and said, "So." And Janelle had shrugged and said, "Yeah." And Diane had said, "Okay." They'd be exactly where they are now, with less insincere hugging and bed-lounging, and more time for updates on George's farting schedule and Janelle's kitten-ear-pulling.
Later, Will wanders up to the abomination and asks Janelle if he can take a bath. "Sure, would you like me to join you?" she says. He smiles, and she gets all preening that he's "at a loss for words." Of course, Will's feigning interest in her disarms Janelle to the point where she totally lets him sit in her bathroom and disrupt the strategy talk her alliance was trying to have. Huh. Who would have thought? Oh, right. Me. Will gets in the tub. (In his swim trunks, of course.) Will asks Janelle to run downstairs and bring him some rubber ducks so that he can give her a puppet show. She hops up to go get the ducks. Hard to tell who's running the show here, isn't it? Will DRs that while baths are fine, he was using this particular one as an opportunity to talk strategy with Janelle's team. When Janelle returns, she dumps a large bunch of ducks in the water, and Will grins and says that he's going to do the puppet show now. "Does anyone else want to watch it, or just you two?" he asks, referring to Janelle and Kaysar. For me, it was this moment -- this bright, funny, energetic, thoroughly mischievous smile -- that put Will back on the radar as the entertainer that he is. Mike comes in and has a seat as he DRs that Will's use of humor to break the ice is very smart. I've said about Will before that whether people would ever admit it or not, one of the reasons he sticks around is that he makes the house more fun, and these people are absolutely starved for entertainment. They probably don't even know they're doing it, but all other things being equal, you're going to keep him there to do puppet shows and zing Howie and flirt with the women. It's more fun than, say, keeping Diane. Or Erika. Or Kaysar. How many discussions of heartache does one house need, really?
Will starts off the show by naming the ducks. One, he names "Rick Foogie." Even though it's rubber, you can almost see that duck roll its eyes. A particular pink duck gets to be the princess of the pond, and her name is "Fanelle." And then Will takes a wooden back massager and names it "Dr. McDreamy." Which means this puppet show must never be taken on the road, lest large and insane segments of the audience begin obsessing about how the back massager should totally fuck a long, thin toenail brush they've named "Mellen Zompeo." Anyway, Will then takes a large and shapeless sponge and happily names it "Howie," barely able to keep himself from laughing. When he gets down to business, Will spins a yarn in which Fanelle is running the pond, and the pond is full of floaters who sometimes want to hang with Fanelle, and sometimes want to hang with McDreamy and Rick Foogie. And then he gets to the part where "Fanelle is starting to have feelings for Dr. McDreamy." What's so great is that Will acts at this point like even he cannot believe his own bullshit, so he's laughing and giggling at his own audacity, and he shouldn't be able to get away with it at all, but he totally can. Janelle giggles. Kaysar, however, begins to look angry. Puppets make Kaysar upset! Kaysar is puppetphobic. Later, as Will explains how Fanelle is reaching a critical fork in the road, even Mike is clearly thinking that it's time to wrap it up. Will DRs that he was basically just talking in circles until it was time to get to the point. You lead people around for a while, give them a nice show, and then "snap their necks." Howie is suddenly there in Kaysar's place, so he apparently likes a good puppet show, as well. Who doesn't, really? Howie actually looks kind of confused. Not surprising.
At the end of the puppet show, all of a sudden, Will is offering Howie and Janelle a deal with himself and Mike. It's a deal in which the S6 and Will and Mike would be the final six. Nominate two floaters this week, is what he's suggesting. Howie thinks that if they thought Will and Mike would stick to it, they'd do a deal for sure. "We're making a deal with the devil," Howie says to Janelle. Everybody says it; everybody does it anyway.
Filler: George is on slop. "It's terrible," he complains. It's also making him very gassy, which this particular show never gets tired of, since it technically qualifies as both plot and, in a technical and scientific sense, energy. Kaysar says that being the only one on slop is really bothering George. Apparently, he's trying to come up with ways to cook it. He's trying to bake it, among other things. Mike thinks that George's losing his mind, because he is under the impression that he might be able to make oatmeal into bread. We watch George put some dried slop into the toaster, but it doesn't turn into toast. Yeah, some things just won't, even when you put them in a toaster. Pudding, lemonade, steak. Stuff like that. George is really having doubts about sixty days of slop. I would be, too.
Now, Janelle announces the food competition. When the houseguests get outside, they find a big padded wrestling ring of sorts. What happens is that red rubber balls (like in gym) will be launched over the wall, and one will have a star on it. Whoever gets the one with the star on it will not be eating slop for the week, and must pick someone else who will be on slop. George can participate, but will eat slop no matter what. Wow. That's rough. Just in it to get hit with balls, then? That really is gym class all over again. At least for some of us. Danielle says that all the women are small, so she's thinking they're all going to get outmaneuvered by men who are over six feet tall. If the balls are dropping from above, it's a fair concern. Will explains that as the challenge was about to start, he approached Howie and said they should have a deal not to put each other on slop, and Howie said yes. Will says that he doesn't actually care about avoiding slop -- he did this as a test of Howie's ability to keep his word.
The first star ball is grabbed by Mike, who proudly recounts in the DR Danielle's admission that she saw the star ball, and then she "saw Mike Boogie's shoe." Heh. That is a little funny, I admit. I can imagine Mike having a sort of White Men Can't Jump interest in basketball. Along with, of course, a Woody Harrelson-like fixation on fame. And hemp. Mike puts Marcellas on slop in retaliation for Marcellas taking Mike out of the HoH competition earlier. I approve, because anything that makes Marcellas suffer both avenges his obnoxious behavior and brings out his inner suffering prisoner, which is the only part of his personality I enjoy. The second star ball goes to Howie, who immediately puts Will on slop in spite of their earlier deal. Will says again in the DR that he didn't really mind the slop, but he learned that Howie couldn't be trusted. Howie DRs that Will has never been on slop, and Howie wants to weaken him. Yeah, that probably won't work, especially since Will tends to throw HoH competitions. star ball goes to Kaysar, who decides that George goes on slop. As Janelle points out, this is basically the cowardly way to go, since George is on slop anyway. I think Kaysar's tendency to do nonconfrontational things while expecting her to stick her neck out is not wearing well with Janelle. Now, Diane, Erika, James, and Danielle are left. Danielle tries to tackle James, but he manages to keep the ball, and he puts Diane on slop. She laughs and, as he points out, she takes it gracefully. So now, it's down to Danielle and Erika. Danielle manages, after a scramble, to come up with the ball, so Erika is on slop. Danielle says she almost cried when she got the ball, she was so darn happy. "Erika doesn't eat that much anyway," Danielle says in the DR. So Mike, Danielle, James, Howie, and Kaysar have food. George, Erika, Marcellas, Will, and Diane are on slop. "Whyyyy!?" yells Marcellas.
Later, a meeting goes down in the kitchen in which Diane and Janelle talk about what they might be able to cook. This conversation sort of confuses me, because Diane is on slop, so...whatever. Maybe this was before, or maybe she just wants to cook for others. Diane says that she likes Janelle, but she hangs out with her partly because they're enemies. Friends close; enemies closer. You know the drill. Howie wants banana bread, and Diane isn't sure, but thinks that the bananas have to be old. "I know how to get 'em -- you put 'em on top of the fridge," Janelle says. Diane waits a beat. "Oh. That makes them old?" she asks. "That's what happens when I put mine on top of the fridge," Janelle says. Yeah. She's not being funny, either. That's what makes bananas old, is the top of the refrigerator. I think you can do that with puppies, too, to make them turn into dogs faster. I think it's the Freon or something. It's a ripening agent. Diane says in the DR that she can't cook, so she can't really make fun of Janelle. Even though you can kind of tell she wants to, to say the least. I think she could just as easily have turned that comment into, "I can't cook, but I do know that the refrigerator can't bend time." Wouldn't have been unfair. And then there's this long conversation about baking soda and baking powder, in which neither Diane nor Janelle knows whether you can cook with baking soda, or only put it in the refrigerator to keep smells out. So basically, neither of them has ever so much as made cookies. I should have known. Howie says that Diane and Janelle can both cook fine -- "They both make great toast." We don't see much more of this domestic adventure, but it doesn't look promising.
Later, Janelle and Howie chat with Will and Mike. Will and Mike tell Janelle that this is the week to take out a floater, because all the floaters are just hanging on and waiting around, and that if she takes one out now, she won't have to worry about them. Will reminds them of the deal he's offering to make final six together. Will, suddenly looking and talking freakishly like James Spader in Pretty In Pink, tells Janelle that the way to find out that all the floaters are untrustworthy would be to go to all of them and tell them that they're going up as the pawn in a scheme to get rid of Will. They'll all complain, he promises her -- Diane will whine, Erika will cry, and Marcellas will "do a back flip freaking out." And she'll know that they don't trust her, which means she can't trust them. You know, I like Will, but I wouldn't mind seeing him crack a tooth in a fist fight with Jon Cryer. Will distinguishes himself by volunteering to have Janelle put him up as a pawn, and if he loses his gamble that he can trust her, then he loses. Will insists that you have to go by people's actions, because words in this particular game are not worth anything. Mike repeats that she should put up Will and a floater, and that he and Mike trust her. Howie and Janelle walk off as Mike mutters, "You guys are gonna get played." Stop mugging, dude. Play people more; talk about playing people less.
Upstairs in the abomination, Janelle and Howie talk. They're not sure what to do. Janelle is interested in getting rid of a floater, since she's decided the floaters are all one alliance. She DRs that she's just not sure whom to put up. She has to think about what's best, but she has to make sure there are the votes. James comes in, and Janelle says that she wants to take out a floater. He's not happy, and says that as soon as they touch the floaters, Will and Mike will approach the rest to make deals. Will and Mike show up at that point and knock on the door to announce that they're going to be sitting outside playing chess. Janelle says that James really pressed her to put up Will and Mike, and told her the house would be "mad" if she didn't. Nothing like seeing a woman in a position of power who can't do what she wants to do because a guy told her that it will make people not like her. That's why we're not president, y'all. Might make somebody mad.
Later, Janelle and Will talk on the big pink bed. Will points out to her that it was Kaysar who screwed the entire S6 alliance by not nominating him and Mike when he had the chance long ago. Will says in the DR that Janelle is a good player, and he was surprised that she was so "open-minded," by which I think he means "gullible." He also thinks that whoever talks to Janelle last might well influence what she does. He says something to Janelle about putting up him and Erika, but Janelle counters with Mike and George. Will's eyes show a little panic. Himself up, he thinks he can manage. Mike up, he isn't so sure. I think Mike going home is not his plan yet. He counters with himself and George. She shakes her head. "Why won't you put me up?" Will asks with a hint of a smile. "'Cause I don't want to," she says. "Cause why?" he grins. She does her bashful, hair-throwing thing. "No, Will, it's not 'cause I like you," she grins, eating her sleeve as she is wont to do when she's nervous. She's like Jennifer Love Hewitt, with the way she uses her sleeves as props to reinforce her adorability. There's this weird implication that women whose arms are so tiny that they swim in their sleeves simply must be cute. They must be!
Anyway, Janelle has just assured Will that her hesitation to nominate him isn't about liking him personally. "It is," Will stage-whispers. She denies it some more. Janelle complains that she doesn't want to do nominations, and Will calls her "the baddest bitch in reality-TV history." Which: wow, what admirable bullshit. Seriously. I mean, no matter what definition you give "baddest bitch," it certainly is not a title that could be won by Janelle, but he says it like he means it. He's like a conversational hooker. He makes every person feel like with everyone else, it's just going through the motions, but with you, it's special. Will tells Janelle that she's a champion, and she shouldn't care if people are unhappy. Weirdly, he's basically right about what he's saying, in the sense that she's worrying way too much about making people mad, for someone who's supposed to be playing a tough game intelligently. She says that nobody likes the idea of him and Mike both being safe. "You mean James and Kaysar don't like it," Will corrects. Again, this is all so twisted to favor him, but it's not like he's not right. "James and Kaysar are cowards," he says.
At this point, Will very astutely explains to Janelle that what's going wrong with her alliance is that every person in it went and got a spare person -- a "parachute," he calls it -- just in case the alliance went bad. In other words, none of them trusted the alliance, so they're all out scheming on the side. Kaysar got Erika, Janelle got Marcellas, James got Danielle, and Howie got George -- though Will doesn't mention the last one. Instead, he says, "Howie jumped out of the plane without a parachute. He's in his own world." Heh. I personally think George would be better off with a backpack full of encyclopedias than he is with Howie, so maybe Will doesn't think that little arrangement will work both ways for very long. So Will tells Janelle that they all got greedy and fucked up their brilliant and powerful alliance. He suggests that as a result of all this collapse, if she wants to test her alliance, she should put up Danielle and Erika and watch James and Kaysar fight to protect their respective fallback options. Interestingly, Will is pretty strongly pushing to get Erika out, mentioning that nobody would miss her, she's a good player, and she chose to knock out George in the last HoH. Oh, and she'll come after Janelle. Will keeps telling Janelle that he and Mike will swear to be her allies, come rain or come shine. "So you guys will vote the way I want?" she asks. "As a sign of good faith, we will do what you want," he says. He tells her he's true to his word, which he's not, and she says, "What if you're lying to me, Will?" "Then send me home," he says simply. Can always worry about that week, right?
Almost time for nominations. Diane says that she hopes she doesn't go up. Will hopes that he was charming enough to convince Janelle to put up a floater. It's amazing that he doubts it anymore. Mike says, with his usual astuteness, that it's all up to Janelle. Janelle says that she just doesn't know what to do, which isn't so surprising. Erika can't imagine why she would go up. Janelle says that she wants to work for her alliance, but also wants to get rid of people she thinks are going to come after her individually.
Ceremony. Janelle claims that she "winged it," which I'm sure they'll totally believe. First key out is James, then Marcellas. Howie, Kaysar, Will, Danielle, Diane, and George. So the nominees are Mike and Erika. Janelle claims to have nominated Mike because she dislikes him and then she says she nominated Erika on the assumption that everybody liked her and would then take out Mike. Janelle DRs that her real goal is to take out a floater. Erika says that now, the door is open for her to go after Janelle. "The gloves are off," she says. Mike says that all you can do is keep making people feel comfortable and try to play for the veto. For a guy who toyed with the idea of either him or Will going up against a floater as a show of good faith, he sure is freaked out that it happened. "There's a lot of game left to be played," he says. Will says that Janelle was very fair and "met [him] halfway" by putting up a floater. I suppose that's the extremely optimistic way to look at it.
Tuesday
Previously: Janelle was seduced by the wonder of puppetry. She was not the first.
Blue and white nominations. When we snap to color, Erika is receiving her pity hugs and explaining in the DR that if she's a pawn to get Mike out, she's not happy, because pawns get booted all the time, which has gone beyond cliché and all the way to truism. Mike says that he and Will had tried to get her to put up a couple of floaters, so he felt "double-crossed" and says that Janelle will regret acquiring him as an enemy. She will, however, be welcome at any of his stores' several locations at blah blah blah...no, I actually have no idea what or where his restaurants are. I get no love from Mike, which makes me one in a million. He really is lucky he has Will to keep him cool, because he's freaking out way too much. Will tells us that at least Janelle put up one floater. He thinks that she's is going to start to inch away from her alliance and do more of what they want her to do. Janelle sits in the DR and informs us that nobody in the house knows, but she wants Mike to stay. In fact, she wants Mike to win veto so she can nominate another floater, so that she can be sure that one will leave.
Janelle calls Erika aside to tell her that she's just sure Erika won't go home. Everyone, Janelle says, will be voting out Mike. Erika DRs that this could all easily be untruthful, but Janelle says, "I promise you, you'll be safe."
Upstairs, S6 meets up to debrief, and James says that he's okay with Janelle's nominations. But in the DR, he says her decision was stupid, because they need to get rid of Will and Mike. In the abomination, the group agrees that it's Mike that will go. So apparently the people who aren't being filled in about what Janelle wants include all the members of her "alliance." When the group is gone, Will shows up. He flops down and says to Janelle that he thinks everybody makes their own decisions. He works on giving himself a manicure as she talks and talks about the prospect of someone getting the veto and taking Mike off the block. Manicures are how men think. Well, real men, at least. Janelle says that her reason for not nominating two floaters was that she didn't want the "tension" of people being mad at her. That is so weak, seriously. Have some guts, little lady, or people will start addressing you as things like "little lady." Janelle asks again if Will is willing (heh) to vote out the person she asks him to, and he says he will. They work towards a deal where if Mike can get off the block, and Janelle can put up another floater, Will is going to take out the person she wants (that is: Diane). Janelle wants to talk to Mike before this goes forward. Will DRs that Janelle responds a lot better to charisma than she does to being yelled at by Kaysar and James, which is a good point, actually. I don't think Kaysar yells at her, but I do think he can be guilt-inducing and hectoring at times. There's also the almost complete lack of smiling.
Mike comes up to talk to Janelle in the abomination. First, she says not to worry about the nomination speech. Including, presumably, the part where she talked about disliking him "very much." She also says that the plan now is that theyre playing for the veto, and if they can get him off the block, she'll nominate another floater. If she does, will he vote for the person she says? "Sure," Mike says. "We'll do whatever you want." Janelle says in the DR that she doesn't want to make deals without her alliance, but her alliance is wrong and she's right, so she's going to make deals without her alliance anyway. Which makes it not so much an alliance as a cult of personality. "I don't want to operate unilaterally, but they won't do what I want, so I have to take matters into my own hands!" The last refuge of the person who does not play nicely with others.
Danielle and Marcellas chat with Erika and Diane about whether they sort of need to have a loose alliance. Marcellas says that it doesn't "behoove" him for floaters to be leaving the house. Behoove. Behoove, behoove, behoove. I don't type it nearly enough. I'm happy that Marcellas can bring something positive to my life.
That night, houseguests are getting ready for bed when Janelle says that everyone has to come to the living room to pick the veto players for tomorrow morning. She tells them that this will be an unusual competition. But to begin with, six people will play, which is...usual. Three will be chosen at random from the bag. Out of the bag, she selects Houseguest's Choice, and she grabs Howie. Erika picks Diane. Mike picks Houseguest's Choice, and he, of course, chooses Will. Will claims that he will be trying to win the competition, and that he hopes to get lucky and get Mike off the block. Janelle says that the veto will happen in the morning, and they'll only have one minute of notice. And if you're not in the yard in one minute, you'll lose your shot. Get there in one minute, or you're out of luck? I am totally not sleeping with the Big Brother house, because that constitutes taking me for granted.
But first! They show the bit where it is explained to the houseguests that America has sent in audiovisual "wakeup calls." And they reveal to the houseguests that America was given a choice between waking them up every three hours, every hour, every half-hour, or every fifteen minutes. As you all know, this obviously means that they will be awakened every fifteen minutes, because America would choose to have the houseguests whipped for every indiscretion if they thought it would be fun to watch. Danielle, for some reason, finds this hilarious and awesome. Perhaps she doesn't mind a little sleep deprivation. "What, for the live feeders?" Howie asks. "They're going to wake us up every fifteen minutes," George says, who has read the boards, apparently.
Later, Janelle grabs Howie in the kitchen. She instructs him that they don't want Erika or Diane to win the veto. Howie is confused, but she tells him to trust her. Howie says in the DR that he was under the impression that they were after Will and Mike, and he's a bit lost over Janelle's apparent desire to let Will or Mike get the veto. She is starting to stretch herself very, very thin, you can tell.
That night at 12:30 AM, a siren-like noise goes off, and then a guy's voice says "WAKE UP, WAKE UP," and it's very annoying. Good job, America! Wakeup calls continue. Marcellas threatens to throw himself off the balcony when they all realize the calls will be fifteen minutes apart. My favorite wakeup call is the lady who says, "They're talking about you! They're in the kitchen talking about you!" It's so stupid, but/so it's very much in the spirit of the show, after all. Most of the houseguests seem to just stay up rather than trying to go to bed and sleep for fifteen minutes at a time. "Two grown people actually did that," Marcellas snots about one of the wakeup calls, because who would believe grown people would do something that was a waste of time, right? Certainly not Marcellas, who is very busy. Too busy, certainly, to...I don't know, Google himself in the middle of the night and tell everyone who has said mean things about him on the internet that they need to search their souls and consider why they throw so much hate into the universe.
Mike tells America he did not find our little prank very funny. He doesn't realize that it isn't a prank -- it's outright hostility. Sometimes, teasing is teasing, and sometimes, it's the hating of your guts. There's a trace of Michael Scott in this comment, you know? When whatever it was got left on the floor by Todd Packer? Do you watch The Office at all? Sigh. Erika says that she was worried that she wouldn't do well in the veto competition as a result of the lack of sleep, although everyone will be in the same boat, so, whatever. Speaking of the veto competition, a crazy robot voice comes on at 5:00 AM and announces that it's time for the competition. ["Creepiest. Voice. Ever." -- Mr. Kwan] Everyone bolts out of bed as best they can, because that is a seriously creepy robot voice. I'm not sure what the technology is, but it's very disquieting. (Don't email me, robot nerds! Well, okay, maybe email me. I like nerds.) Will promises us that a minute to get outside isn't as much time as you think when you've been up all night and a robot is yelling.
When they go out into the backyard, they find what look like six electric chairs, complete with car batteries connected to them with alligator clips. I have to admit, this is very creepy. I would find this setup unsettling. What's going to happen here is that letters will flash, and they spell out a phrase from the show, but the letters are backwards. So you strap in and buzz in to guess what the phrase is, and if you get it wrong, you're out. But if you get it right, you get to put a disadvantage on someone else. The disadvantages are things like headphones with screaming being played through them, uncomfortable goggles, buckets of worms you have to put your feet in... nice, friendly stuff like that. Mike vows to do anything he can to make himself safe. First one with three correct answers will win.
The first phrase is "eviction." Mike gets it, and he puts the headphones on Howie. Erika says as they start the round that she was demolished by the lack of sleep. Will gets the one wrong, saying "unexpected" instead of "expect the unexpected." He makes a lame-ass DR joke about "premature" blah dee blah, and then it's round three. I have no idea why guys often think premature-ejaculation jokes are hilarious. We really just want to forget that happens, okay? Thanks. Anyway, the answer for the third round is "nominee," and Howie wins and puts Diane's feet in a bucket of worms, targeting her and Erika just like Janelle said. He tells us that he did this on Janelle's instructions. Diane says that the worms made her really uncomfortable. The phrase is "power of veto," and Mike gets it. He puts worms around Howie's feet. Janelle gets "alliance," and she tries to look casual as she grabs the goggles and gives them to...Diane. Why not Erika, idiot? Diane has something impeding her already. That's just way too obvious. "Why is everybody picking on me? I don't get it," Diane says. And she doesn't get it, although she should. Mike says that as soon as he saw Janelle hit Diane rather than him, he knew that she was on board to work with him and Will for the week. round, Mike correctly guesses "chopping block," and that makes him the winner. He decides to celebrate by kicking the goggles that are on the ground, not realizing that they're...um, glass. So that's the first celebration injury, which automatically makes you a total dork. Or, you know, confirms that you are one. Mike doesn't even really realize that he's bleeding until after he gets his medal, so at least he gets to enjoy his moment before having it ruined by the fact that he's standing in a pool of blood. Will says that he won't be surprised by any decision Janelle makes now that Mike will be taking himself off the block. Will tells Mike that he will need some stitches in that foot, and he and Howie carry Mike inside.
After a commercial, Mike explains how he got all happy and wound up with ten stitches in his foot. Ta-da! And all because he didn't notice that some goggles are made of glass.
Upstairs in the abomination, Marcellas and Erika chat with Janelle about the outcome. Awesomely, when he hears that Mike won, Marcellas "points out" that Mike will use the veto to save himself. Only Marcellas would think that was news, you know? It's like knowing someone who says, "You know, I bet when she gets up tomorrow morning, she won't decide to stick her hand in a blender and turn it on." You'd know that such a person had a history that was related to whatever it was they were talking about. Marcellas says it doesn't matter that Mike won, because it just means Will goes home. Erika isn't so sure. What, she asks, does Janelle plan to do? Janelle brings up once again the idea of putting up Diane, and Erika is shocked. Marcellas is downright appalled, so anxious is he to make a dent in the Will/Mike business. He tells Janelle it's insane for her to "duck" people who say they're after her. In the DR, Marcellas says that he can't believe Janelle is serious about potentially putting up Diane, who might come after her, rather than Will or Mike, who will come after her. He's very indignant, for someone who didn't win the competition and doesn't really have any right to have any say about what happens.
In the bedroom, Marcellas has the sleep mask on as he tries to read Janelle out about what will happen when Mike or Will winds up as HoH. Marcellas insists that Will and Mike are "more invested in this game than anybody else," which he's kind of proving isn't true by throwing this much of a hissyfit.
Janelle sits down with Howie and Kaysar, complaining that Marcellas is mad because she won't nominate Will. Janelle asks Kaysar what to do. Just then, James walks up and hits on just the right question. "Did you guys want Boogie to win?" She says that she didn't. "Then why did you put the goggles on Diane?" James asks. Janelle says they were "trying to hinder everyone." Dude. This is not convincing. Diane already had worms around her feet. Mike and Erika had nothing. Try again. James tells her pretty much the same thing, saying he doesn't get attacking a fairly neutral person like Diane in a veto competition. "Who did you not want to win the veto?" James asks her. "Will or Boogie," Janelle answers. Apparently, she forgot that she instructed Howie otherwise, and that he's sitting right there. Maybe she forgot both. Howie, to his credit, immediately says, "Janey, what are you drinkin'? Because you told me..." She figures out what's happening and tries to cut him off, saying, "I said hinder the people that you don't want to win it." It's like she thinks Howie is Chandler's crazy Adam Goldberg roommate, and that if you just tell him something happened, he'll assume he just forgot about it. Howie persists: "You told me that you didn't want Diane or Erika to win the veto." James's eyes widen, in a look that intriguingly mixes dismay and a total lack of surprise.
Janelle says in the DR that she's in "a bit of a bind," because she has to choose between what's best for her and what's best for her alliance. I don't think that's the bind, really. I think the bind is that she actually has no plan, so she does whatever the last person told her to do, and she can't even remember what she was thinking she wanted to do. Will was right about one thing -- she's very susceptible to outside influences, because she's something of an empty vessel, brain-wise, and because she fears other people's reactions far more than she should.
In the DR, James is onto Janelle, and says it's obvious that Mike and Will are working with her (ding!) to take out floaters (ding!). He says that if she fails to put up Will in Mike's place, "there will be a mutiny." She really did hopelessly bungle that entire thing right there. It's hard to imagine how she could have handled it worse, or in a way more likely to damage her alliance.
Later, Will comes up to the abomination to talk to Janelle. He has a seat in one of her fuzzy chairs as we see him DR that she's right at the point of deciding what to do, including whether to start to have some independence from her alliance. Will grins and says it apparently didn't go that well. Janelle says that Will was supposed to win veto, because now everyone wants her to put up Will. Will tells her that if he goes this week, she's going to be in a horrible position, because she went after a floater, so they'll all be after her. He also tells her that the reason her alliance wants her to go through with the nominate-Will approach is that they're not the ones who are going to be blamed. Janelle whines in the DR that this is so haaard being HoH, and she says she should have thrown it. Hey, winners always want the ball, there, Keanu.
Back in the HoH room, Janelle continues her chat with Will. He tells her to do what she wants to do, and she asks what will happen if she nominates Diane. He says that Diane would go home if that's what she wants. I have to say, this really does appear to be a personal thing with Janelle, because her fixation on Diane to the exclusion of everyone else who could be considered a "floater" just makes absolutely no sense. Will also tells her that no one will care. He apologizes for this sounding harsh. Ha! She says she doesn't want to put Will up, and he says that she shouldn't then, and she whines on how other people will all be mad at her. Will points out to her -- thank God -- that those people who are telling her that she has to act unselfishly all have selfish motives. SERIOUSLY. Including Will, which is pretty much what he's telling her. I've said before that your job in games like this is not to convince people that you're looking out for them instead of yourself; ultimately, no one will believe you. Your job is to convince people that what's good for you is also what's good for them, which is exactly what Will is doing. Janelle says it's "mean" what he's telling her to do. He tells her not to go for the "moral high ground," and not get "self-righteous," because they're all there to be sinners. What he's offering is "honor among thieves."
And then Dr. Will Kirby says my favorite thing in all of reality-television history, pretty much: "The people who are going to lose this are the people who are self-righteous." It's shocking how true that is. Since the advent of the current system, not one single seriously self-righteous person has won. Will, Lisa, Jun, Drew, Maggie? Well, Maggie a little bit, but lecturing about being better than everyone else wasn't her main thing. People hate that. It makes them want to get you out. And if you get to the end, it makes them want to deny you the money, because nobody wants to think you outmaneuvered them and are a better person than they are. Oh, and if you convince people that you're morally better? They know they won't beat you in the vote, and they'll knock you out late in the game. Janelle tells Will that people will be mad at her if she does something she said she wouldn't do. Perplexed, he looks at her and says, "So what? That's what this game's about." She chews her sleeve. "I just never played that way before," she says coquettishly. "Right," he says with a smile. "But that's how you win, and the reason I know that is: I've won." This would have been a great moment for him to say, "It sounds harsh, but why do you think Kaysar got booted twice and didn't last more than a few weeks?" Because he can basically say, "You're right to love your friend; you're wrong to take game advice from him. Because he is nice, but totally incompetent. He's the fifteenth-place ice skater at the national championships. There is someone somewhere who took that position in the early '70s, but you should not let that someone teach you to skate."
Back from commercials, Janelle bounds into the kitchen and announces the first luxury competition. Will looks bored, but he DRs that he's ready for something luxurious. Janelle announces that the winners will get to see Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby. A little ad for the movie follows, obviously. Winners will see the movie, and even those on slop will be allowed to have snacks at the movie, which gives George a major incentive to win. Mike will not be playing, because he's got the Goggle Toe, but he'll be on a team and will see the movie if his team wins.
So the luxury competition involves being a pit crew for a NASCAR car. (Is that a thing? A "NASCAR car"? That sounds bad. Or awkward. Whatever. I'm officially out of my element.) Mike explains that they'll have tasks to do as quickly as possible, including changing a tire, filling the tank, blah blah, and then they all jump into the car through the windows and honk the horn and wave the checkered flag. The team with the fastest time wins.
First up is the blue team, which includes James, Will, Danielle, Janelle, and Diane, in addition to Mike. They do the thing. The red team is George, Howie, Erika, Kaysar, and Marcellas. Marcellas seriously could not care less about this challenge. It turns out that the blue team won, so Will and Mike and their pals will be watching the movie. Janelle thinks that her team could be a real pit crew. I somehow am not so sure. George DRs in despair that it would have been nice to have snacks. I hate it when the challenges turn maudlin.
The blue team goes up to the HoH room, which has been converted into a mini-movie theater. The houseguests immediately spot the table of candy, and Will makes a comically exaggerated point of attempting to pick up several enormous bowls of candy at the same time. "I don't know if America has noticed yet, but Chill Town member Will is actually nine years old." Will attempts to make off with another entire basket of food. I have to say, my very best friend would be doing exactly the same thing at this point in the evening. He likes a comical gesture, and he likes food, and he likes things in large volumes, and he likes surprises, so he would totally try to make off with the entire supply of candy in his arms. "I was on that candy like stank on a monkey," Will says. And then he rips the candy open and pours it down his gullet, and now I think he might actually be my best friend.
The movie is watched. Editing is carefully done to make it appear that there is laughing. Danielle tells us that she thought the movie was great, and that is the sum total of the positive reviews you'll be seeing the houseguests provide. I'm not so sure the movie got big thumbs up from very many watchers. Will just says that the dark theater was a nice break and let him take a "deep breath." And, presumably, file a written complaint for being forced to see that movie.
Later, Janelle and her alliance have a meeting, and she says she's nominating Diane. The loud drums that immediately sound ("POWW! POWW! POWW!") indicate that this may be a dramatic development. Howie DRs that maybe this is an okay thing for Janelle to do, but he looks unconvinced. For Howie to communicate ambiguity of feeling, you know he has to be ripped apart on the inside. Back in the room, Kaysar, clearly displeased, says that she's HoH and can do what she likes. James, on the other hand, says he's going to call her out on having lied to him last week. Apparently, they agreed that if James put up Jase last week -- which Janelle wanted -- then this week, they'd get rid of Will or Mike. It's not so much happening that way, so he's incredibly angry. James says he has nothing else to say, but time he's HoH, he's going for himself alone. "You lied to my face, Janey." In the DR, James announces that as far as he's concerned, the S6 alliance is no more.
James fetches Danielle out of bed for a chat. He tells her Diane is going up, and that "the war begins tomorrow." James also calls Janelle a piece of shit, and that she's "gone." He goes on a rampage about back-dooring Janelle.
For his part, Mike tells us that if he vetoes himself, Will could go up, so he just has to hope that won't happen. He calls everyone in for the veto ceremony. Once we get there, he doesn't put everyone through a lot of dumb speeches. He just says that he's going to veto himself, "surprise, surprise." So now, Janelle has to make another nomination, and, as we all know she's going to, she nominates Diane. Janelle says that the decision was "difficult," and she's been uncomfortable. Boo hoo. She also says it was the worst week she's ever dealt with. In her entire life. Seriously. Her entire life. It's always sad to be like, "Okay, if that's really true, then your life has been too easy." Mike says this wraps up the ceremony. Janelle tells us that she's doing what's best for her: "I'm not going to do the floaters' dirty work." So she's...not willing to nominate people who are threats, because she wants other people to do their own dirty work. That is one remarkable outlook she's got. James, fully hating on Janelle at this point, says that he's determined to get rid of her.
Will-Mike phone call. They laugh over the fact that Diane was put up instead of Will, of course, and it's becoming sort of a stale bit. But then Will falls off the front of the seat and falls out of the frame forward, like he's going to nosedive into the camera. Wit, shmit. I love a guy fallin' down!
Thursday
Previously: America got the houseguests it deserved.
Julie Chen, shockingly elegant in a plum-colored top and black pants, explains that James has gone to war against Janelle, and that Diane and Erika are on the block. Furthermore, tonight will be the first live vote. Julie also says that James has now connected with former enemies to go after Janelle.
Blue and white Rehash-O-Veto. Danielle hugs Diane as we slide to color. "Janelle didn't put me up!" Will says in disbelief in the DR. "What a sucker!" He goes on to observe that her alliance is also starting to come apart, and he's the one doing the breaking. As the houseguests sit around the living room after the veto competition, Howie -- currently wearing a pink baseball cap sideways -- reaches down and starts rubbing Will's shin. Will looks down at Howie's hand with some confusion, and then Howie says, "Did you shave your front part down?" I think Howie and I need to have a little discussion about boundaries. "My body hair," Will says carefully, "has nothing to do with you." And then he regards Howie for a moment and says, "You're like Charles Manson without the organizational abilities." Boy, Manson is really taking a beating this year. "You're like Ted Bundy without the ability to rap out with girls. Clearly, you're a criminal. You've just not done that big thing that's going to put you over the edge and require lifelong incarceration." Howie pauses. "Lifelong incarceration?" he asks. "Yeah," Will says. "That sucks," Howie says thoughtfully, imagining many years in which he will not be able to stroke Will's legs. "You would love jail," Will says encouragingly. "You could work out, wear ugly clothes, kiss boys...it's your niche." This gets a cackle from Mike and Kaysar, and reasonably so. I can't tell how much Will dislikes that because it's creepy and inappropriate and how much he dislikes it because he can't stand Howie, but he's right on both counts.
James and Danielle chat outside, and she tells him "Dani from BB3 is back." He says to her, "James from BB6...he never left, but he doesn't have Sarah to keep him nice this year, either." It's a little bit of a giveaway that you've been reading your own press when you start referring to yourself as if you were a comic-book character in an upcoming masterpiece. And then they agree it's "not a nice game" and so forth, which is what people like to say in order to pretend the fact that people don't like them is something they've brought about on purpose. James says that what they need to do now is connect with Will, Mike, and the so-called "floaters," and remove Janelle, Kaysar, and Howie. Danielle DRs that she was waiting for the S6 group to start to break, and when Janelle failed to put up Will, that was the incident she needed for James to separate fully from them.
For Diane's part, nomination is not bringing out the best in her, as she DRs that Janelle has been after her all along, and then she adds, "Day one, I have been walking on eggshells around that fat bitch." So sad, that bit of idiocy. I mean, it's hard to weep on behalf of anyone who's thrown around as many cheap-ass insults as Janelle has, but that's still so dumb. I hate to be all "Janelle isn't fat," because it's not like it would be okay if she were, but (1) she's not; and (2) it wouldn't. Diane says that until Janelle is gone, she's going to be permanently "on edge." You know what she needs to be a little less on edge? Chips. Ironic!
Outside, James promises, "It's about to jump off in here." Marcellas sits down with Danielle and Diane, and Diane, too, speaks of the "jump[ing] off" that will occur week if she stays. Marcellas sighs pitifully. "Just handing Mike Boogie and Will the game, week after week," he complains. It would be great if he were ever given the same opportunity to compete for HoH that everyone else has, because then he could...oh, never mind. Marcellas DRs that the nomination of Diane was "stupid" and "petty." He adds that this decision showed him things about Janelle that he didn't want to know. Like maybe that she's stupid and petty? No, Marcellas just says it's that there was "something that's mean and ugly." Later, he tells Danielle and Erika that they "are under attack." This does not surprise them. Marcellas chalks this up to the fact that Janelle is determined to be at the end with nothing but men she can dominate and manipulate. Which is an interesting, and not altogether implausible, theory. "I've never seen anything like it before in my life," he nearly snorts. "And I love women." Well, he loves the ones who do what he wants, which is how a lot of guys who claim to love women actually feel. "I love the ladies," they say, while treating women other than their mothers like children not worthy of having their opinions considered. Misogynists, every one. Not Marcellas, but...wait, what was I supposed to be talking about? Oh, right. The show. "It's what you call a vixen," Danielle says, a little anticlimactically. Marcellas says that Janelle is now his number-one target.
Janelle and Kaysar chat upstairs in the abomination, and she says that she's upset about the ceremony and stuff. He tells her she needs to keep the team together. "We took a huge risk here," he says. She returns to insisting that taking out Diane is the right thing to do. Kaysar says that his concern is their alliance, and that she's upset James unnecessarily.
Outside, Danielle and Will and Mike have a chat in which she explains that James has split off, and the new four is Danielle and James and Will and Mike. "So it's us four making the run?" Will asks. Danielle confirms, and says that if James wins HoH, he's putting up Janelle. "I find that hard to believe," Will says. In Will and Mike's latest DR phone call, Will is so shocked when Mike explains the new alliance with James and Danielle that he looks at his pretend phone in confusion. And then they crack up, and then Will waggles his bare feet directly at the camera. Danielle says that the step is for one of them, not another S6 person, to get HoH.
Julie takes us to the living room to chat. Julie asks Will whether he's devastated not to be nominated, and he says that he's still "ready to go." Julie also confronts Mike about his stupid celebration injury. She asks him whether he's worried about the injury and future competitions, but he says that he hopes there aren't big physical challenges in the few days. Julie asks about all the wakeup calls that they had overnight the other night. Marcellas tells everyone who made a wakeup call that they wasted their money, but then he also acts pissy and upset, which means that it was actually a very good expenditure of money. I don't know why Marcellas doesn't get that. We wanted pissy and upset! Thanks, buddy, for all you do!
Back from commercials, Julie talks about the campaigning that Erika and Diane have been doing, and then says they've been taking different approaches. In the backyard, Marcellas breaks it to Diane that he promised Erika his vote before the veto even happened. Diane is frustrated that everyone promised votes before they knew who'd be up. She swears in the DR that she's not giving up. She says that if she stays, "all hell's going to hit the fan, and Janelle's going to be the fan." That is not very convincing bad-assery, dear. You need to stop letting Tina Fey write your dialogue without making sure you know whose side she's on. As this conversation is ongoing, Erika comes and sits down. And then Diane chats with Danielle, who says her vote is also promised to Erika. And then Erika shows up yet again and sits herself down. Diane complains in the DR that every time she tries to talk to anyone, Erika shows up. Duh. I've always wondered why people don't do that more, especially on Survivor. I'd be a damn stalker if it were me. Follow everyone wherever they go. No private conversations. Going to the bathroom? Me too!
Mike and Danielle talk in the gym, and he breaks the news to her that he, too, promised to vote out Diane in return for Will's safety. Danielle DRs that she would sort of like to keep Diane just to annoy Janelle, but she's not sure if she can do it. Mike just thinks that it's a bad idea to get something you want and then immediately do what you said you wouldn't.
James and Danielle talk in the backyard as he suns himself. I swear, the fact that I've never seen a single person putting on sunscreen, even casually, just freaks me out. These people are spending half the summer outside in the broiling sun, and I never see them do a thing about it. They're all going to be raisins. Anyway, they talk about how Will is happy to break his word about voting out Diane, but Mike isn't, so much. James says that he doesn't care about his word anymore, because Janelle screwed him. He DRs that he wants to keep Diane to send a message to Janelle. Later, James and Will talk, and James talks about how Mike's vote is secured to Erika...but only sort of. Will insists in the DR that he and Mike are like an "organism" (yuck), and that if he has an argument about why someone should stay, Mike's going to listen to it and be at least open-minded. Will wants to know why James would want to get rid of Erika, and James says it's basically to fuck with Janelle.
In the living room, Diane and James chat about her frustration that she can't get to anyone to have a talk, and she doesn't get why everyone is still doing what Janelle wants. She speculates that if she could get him, Will, Mike, George, and maybe Danielle, she'd be in business. In the DR, she talks about how much she wants to stay, since Janelle "made it personal." "Her ass is mine if I can get to it," Diane vows.
Now, it's time to talk to Janelle in the abomination. "Are you falling for Will?" Julie asks. "No!" Janelle says, with far too much loud disbelief. "Are you serious? No, I'm not, Julie." I'm sure she's not falling for him, but she does have herself a little crush on him, which she's not hiding particularly brilliantly. Julie asks about keeping Will off the block, and Janelle insists she doesn't think Will is a threat to her personally. Interesting how Jase wasn't a threat to James personally, but James was expected to play along for the good of...Janelle, basically. Do you suppose that might be why James is upset? Nah.
Julie asks Janelle about having declared her allegiance to Howie, Marcellas, Kaysar, and James in that order when she was HoH the first time. Janelle bobs and weaves, saying that Marcellas isn't really part of her alliance after all. She talks about how she's more loyal to certain people on "some days" than on other days, which is an interesting definition of the word "loyal." Asked about Mike and Will, she just says they're not in her alliance. Blah blah blah, Janelle is sent back to the living room. Shut up, Janelle.
Coming up: Amy. Eeeeeee! I really liked Amy by the time she left. But first! Everybody talks about the nominees. Mike wants to keep Diane because she's cute. Howie thinks either is a threat. James says Janelle sold out the team and neither should have gone up. Kaysar doesn't want to see what Diane can do. James thinks Diane would look out for him. Howie thinks Diane would be a problem for his alliance.
After the commercial, Julie welcomes us back to the segment about Marcellas and how fickle and faithless he is. The bit opens with a nice clip of Marcellas and Amy from their season when they had dinner together. And then we find Amy at her new house with her husband, living on the water. "We kind of live on vacation," she says pleasantly. She looks really happy, which is cool. She explains that she and Marcellas had an awesome, hilarious time together, and we get a few clips of their banter and teasing when it was really great and happy. "I've never laughed so much in my entire life," she says. And then, we watch Marcellas tell Janelle that blondes are always his undoing. Amy says that it pisses her off when people refer to Janelle as "new Amy." "She does not hold a candle to me when it comes to inner beauty," she says, and then we watch Janelle tell Marcellas she doesn't care about fun; only about looking nice. "And she grates on my last nerve by winning everything," Amy says, proving once again that she should come and having dinner with me and then watch the show and have some popcorn. Because: exactly. My favorite part is when Amy says that she doesn't think Janelle is that pretty, adding, "Janelle looks like you would buy her in a transvestite sex-toy shop." Ha! Hey, it's not classy, but it's not like there isn't cause for it. Make yourself look like you're made of plastic, and people start to think you're a toy.
Now, we get the clips of how Marcellas turned on and tormented Amy once he decided that she wasn't good enough, and we hear him say, "I have bent over backwards to be your friend, even to my own derision [sic]!" Amy says that she and Marcellas are not friends anymore, and do not talk anymore. She says that Marcellas's "true colors came out." Which is so true, and so sad. She says he acted like her friend, but then he acted like a dick when things didn't go his way. She takes some satisfaction in reminding us all how it backfired on him when he failed to veto himself and was booted. Idiot. Amy informs us all that no matter what good friends he and Janelle are, Marcellas will turn on her if he feels like it. A clip follows in which Marcellas trash-talks Janelle. "I worry about the people who have put their trust in him," Amy says. Man, he deserved every word of that segment, I'll tell you that much.
Diary room! More talk about nominees. Will says that it would probably be better to get rid of Erika, who's a flip-flopper. George thinks people underestimate Erika. Danielle thinks that Janelle has a weird "vendetta" about Diane, and keeping Diane will distract Janelle. George thinks Diane leaving would be really sad because he likes her a lot. Marcellas says that it's better for him to keep Erika, with whom he has some relationship. Will says that he wants to keep Diane to send a message to Janelle that she's not entirely in control. Seems to be a lot of that going around, no?
Julie tells us that we're about to see the live eviction. She reminds us that for no particularly good reason, the wimpy Erika and Diane are the nominees, instead of any of the more powerful players. Julie then says that they have a chance to plead, because people are still going to vote. Erika goes first. She says she's honored to be in the cast, and she likes everyone -- unlike Will! So the game is so hard for her, because she likes them! She says that she'd like to stay. As for Diane, she knows she's leaving, so she gives a lot of shout-outs to family. She turns to all of her friends and says that she wants to give them some advice: don't give away your vote too early. "Love you all," she says, and she blows a kiss.
Kaysar votes to evict Diane. So does Howie. Marcellas, too. (He adds an "unfortunately." Because he cares.) Mike votes Diane out as well. (He goes with "regrettably.") Will votes to evict Erika, just to make things a little less smooth. George votes out Diane. He doesn't say "regrettably," but he looks more regretful than Marcellas. Danielle votes against Diane. James? Also votes to evict Diane. So it's going to be 7-1. Julie takes us back to the living room and announces that Diane has been booted by a vote of 7-1. One minute to get out the front door, loser! She gives hugs. Marcellas is all choked up, almost like he didn't vote for this to happen.
Diane makes her way to the power gazebo, where she shakes hands with Julie Chen. (Not a euphemism.) Back inside the house, everyone pretends to be sad. Talk is about someone coming back again, and they discuss Alison as well as Bunky.
Julie asks Diane about Janelle, and Diane says that the decision was personal, based on things outside the game. Apparently, Janelle shit-talked Diane during Season 6, and Janelle tried to apologize (suck up) and Diane, it seems, wasn't too receptive since "it wasn't sincere." Which I can believe. So apparently, Diane said she still felt sour about it, and Janelle took it personally. Julie asks her about Season 5 and the way they're all following each other out the door. Diane says that she doesn't know why her team was such a threat. Diane denies any "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" alliance, saying that Jase seems to have thought there was one, but she didn't know of any thing between them.
Goodbye messages for Diane. Will says that Diane is "a sweetheart," and that sweet people don't do well at the game. He says the rest of them are all cold-blooded, and she deserves better. Janelle tells Diane not to take it personally. George says that she meant a lot to him, and he'll really miss her. Howie says that she was "great to look at." Bleh. Marcellas says that he's mad that she's "leaving under these circumstances." He promises that if there's a chance to avenge her, he will. "That's what I want to hear," Diane mutters. She tells Julie that she really hopes the "karma boomerang" will take out Janelle week.
When we get back from the final commercials, it's time for the HoH competition. Julie tells the houseguests in the living room to go out into the backyard. Apparently, they've all been provided with gloves, which they're putting on as they head outside. What they find out there is a giant rope spider web. Everyone but Janelle clambers up onto the web, and Julie explains that the game will involve staying up on the web as long as possible. So it's an endurance challenge, and we won't find out who the winner is until episode. Julie also says that the first five people to get off the web will get to choose one of five eggs. Inside three of the eggs are prizes -- a transferable pass to get you out of a week of eating slop, a pass that can be used to nullify any person's vote to evict (good week only), and $10,000. The other two eggs have nothing. When they're all situated, Julie says that they're going to make it a little trickier. The web rises higher into the air. After a final set of commercials, we return to see everyone relaxing on what, right now, is a lot like a big hammock. The first "complication" that the show adds to the challenge, because they're not very inventive, is to spray them all with something kind of like whipped cream. Fascinating. My favorite part is where Will yells at the Big Brother gods, "If I wanted to be kissed, I would have called your mama, don't you guys got anything back there?" Oh, Will.