Sunday
James is HoH, and he and his friends have a brilliant plan. Are you ready? Okay. It turns out that the most terrifying player is Chicken George. I know! I was surprised, too. James puts up Will along with George, apparently planning to get George out, but not really minding if Will goes either. Meanwhile, the house manages to win enough food for the currently beleaguered to stop eating oatmeal (stubbornly referred to as "slop," even though IT IS OATMEAL, for God's sake), and Will and Kaysar throw down over Botox. Will thinks Botox is good, while Kaysar thinks it's down there with getting "pouches in your breasts." Not that he knows anyone who's done that. At all. At the end of the episode, by the time he's nominated, Will has a horrifying spray-on tan, and George isn't happy at all about being nominated. All he did was clean up after everyone! He just wants to help! Tune in on Tuesday to see who wins the veto, and whether Will continues to stay in the house in spite of himself.
Tuesday
George and Will are on the block, and George wants that veto. When the competition comes around, it involves mostly the willingness to want the veto in this particular week very, very much. And as it turns out, George really wants it. When it gets to head-shaving, only George and a reluctant, grouchy Kaysar are up for it, and they both wind up buzzed down to almost nothing. This breaks Marcellas's heart, because he has developed a huge, fawning crush on Kaysar. It figures. They have all that integrity in common. Anyway, after consenting to a sixty-day diet of slop, George wins the veto, and the discussions begin about whom to nominate in his place. The S6 jackasses settle on Jase, and when they tell him, he absolutely flips out at the thought of being "back-doored." Somehow, he has concluded that this prevents him from playing the game, even though if he had anticipated the possibility, perhaps he would have hung in trying to win the veto himself. Anyway, Jase completely loses his mind, screaming and hollering and ultimately in a smackfest with Marcellas that makes them both look like fools. At the veto ceremony, Will gets the opportunity to advocate for himself, which is pretty much bullshit. But he chooses to make a speech that feints left and goes right, starting off like he's about to confess that he likes everyone, but ultimately saying that...he hates everyone instead. He begs to be sent home and swears that he's going to throw every competition until they do just that. Then he sits down. Jase is, indeed, nominated, so we're in for an eviction on Thursday that will make a lot of people happy, no matter which of the dudes gets it.
Thursday
Jase has himself in a heap of trouble as he and Will share space on the block. The show does its best to create drama, but Jase has freaked everyone out so much that even Will's "pleas" for eviction aren't enough, and Jase is evicted 9-0. (Ouch.) He concludes that he belongs on a real game like Survivor, which is a pure meritocracy, as you know. In other news, contestants are gaining respect for Chicken George (or at least tolerating him better); Will takes his career as a dermatologist very seriously; Shannon is still mad that Will didn't want to go out partying enough; and Marcellas is glad that Jase is gone, because he created "unnecessary drama." Ha ha ha! No, seriously. When the HoH competition comes around, Janelle wins as a result of everyone else rolling over like the spineless chickens they are, meaning that it will be another week of the same people doing the same things they've been doing for the last three weeks. Unless it gets a shot of adrenaline soon, this season is going to put me into a coma.
What I love about Big Brother is that even on the days when I stare at my walls wondering whether my life has meaning, it is there to make me feel like my existence is a carnival of entertainment, fulfillment, and people with whom I am happy to share my personal supply of precious oxygen. To everyone I meet on a typical day who is not someone from inside the Big Brother house, I just want to say: hats off to you. Way to not be on the bottom of the food chain of humanity. Allow me to clap for you quite sincerely.
Sunday
You may recall that when we last allowed ourselves to bathe in the glorious light of This Show, Nakomis had just been evicted, and James had become Head of Household. Half the house was eating "slop," also known as "protein-boosted oatmeal," and half the viewers were bored.
We relive the eviction of Nakomis in blue and white. Diane tells us that she is going to "fight and win this game for [Nakomis]," who is now her "best friend." Yes, during those two weeks, including the one in which they were maneuvering behind each other's backs to avoid being tossed out, they became closer than they are to anyone else. I'd hate to be the person back home who's known Diane for, like, twenty years and just lost her spot. Unfortunately, the attempt to create a tense, serious moment out of Nakomis's trek to the door is slightly undermined by the fact that Chicken George is dressed entirely in tin foil and resembles an old-school Salisbury Steak TV dinner. Wearing an orange hat that makes him look like Bob the Builder's deadbeat cousin, Mike tells us in the DR that on the one hand, he liked Nakomis and it's too bad she left, but on the other hand, Diane stayed -- "and she's hot." It's like he delivers the bad touch right through the screen. And...wow, I had almost forgotten how many superfluous exchanges of "cool beans" there were as she was leaving. Nothing like when the half-assed expression of regret meets the half-assed attempt to be hip.
We snap to color. Jase is relaxing on the sofa and trying to look diabolical as everyone else pretends to mourn Nakomis. Will makes an unimpressive effort to "stir the pot" (as he himself says) (that is the first Needs To Die phrase of the season) by prattling on that he can't believe the rest of them voted Nakomis out. I'm not sure what this is supposed to accomplish. If the choice had been, like, Diane versus the Pope, I might understand what he's going for, but this? I'm not sure Nakomis makes a convincing Little Match Girl, or that he's going to convince anyone to feel guilty. Jase sidles up to his karma and kicks it in the back of the knees, saying in the DR that since Nakomis isn't on the jury, he figures that it doesn't matter whether he pretends to be sorry she left. Erika misunderstands the blank look that accompanies Jase everywhere he goes, and she comes over to inquire about whether he's all right. Apparently, she was thinking that maybe he was all broken up about the eviction. Nakomis's picture goes to black and white, and all the color drains out of her hair. Diane tells us in the DR that "hell froze over" and she was able to stay. And of course, she's "ready to play." She'll keep fighting! She'll never qui-- qui-- qui--...oh, sorry. The record was skipping. My copy of Reality-Show Contestant Vows Of Perseverance is really scratched up.
Will now reminds us that there were two votes against Diane, and that one was his vote. We are shown his vote, and he delights in announcing that he's voting to evict Diane. He's not sure who cast the other vote, but we, of course, know that it was Janelle. Speaking of Janelle, she is currently complaining outside on the patio that she now has no one to smoke with. See, Nakomis? Janelle really cared about you. As a person and as an ashtray. Janelle tells us that the rest of her alliance voted with "the herd," but she kept her word to Nakomis. Which, of course, is fairly easy to do when you know that it's not going to make any difference. She's not defying the herd, really, so much as hiding behind it. Will speculates, correctly as it turns out, that it was an S6 person who provided the other vote against Diane, and he wonders whether this minor difference means their alliance is starting to break apart a little. It occurs to me that he would be the happiest spectator at an ugly divorce. He would eat popcorn, I think.
In the kitchen, Diane thanks James and Jase for the fact that she stayed. James DRs that he's voting in the interests of himself and Howie, rather than Janelle and Kaysar. So now James only likes Howie. On the one hand, any time Howie is your favorite out of any group of people, you have to be very careful that you haven't fallen on hard times, socially speaking. On the other hand, it's really not that surprising, in a way, since it's such a powerful working assumption that Janelle and Kaysar are loyal primarily to each other. James insists to us that Nakomis was "scary," while he knows he's safe when he talks to Diane. Howie, for his part, says that he feared Nakomis, and the house is "a better place for Jedi Howie" with her gone. There are so many levels on which it's becoming clear what a bad idea this entire season was, and the fact that America was stupid enough to force me to listen to a bunch of witless Star Wars references mixed with a guy referring to himself in the third person all summer is certainly high on the list.
We are now reminded in blue and white Rehash-O-Vision of James's rather random victory at the HoH competition. Mike tells us that it's three HoHs in a row for S6 (good counting!) and says he's happy to "give credit where credit is due." Howie hollers in the DR that everybody who doesn't want to see him celebrate loudly when they win HoH can kiss his ass, and how they've all been gunning for his group, which has been picking them all off. So Howie has really learned his lesson as far as not being overconfident. I wonder whether he realizes that "Season 6" is not going to win the money. Three of the four of them aren't going to win, even assuming as I now do that they may very well be the final four. They came in with an advantage so huge that other people haven't been able to overcome it, but it doesn't allow all four of them to win.
And how about that advantage, too? I mean, as was pointed out on the boards this week, it's not just that they put in four out of fourteen people from the same season; they put four out of fourteen people from the same alliance within that season. I think in terms of drama, it's just more of an advantage than anyone should have had. They avoided this on Survivor: All-Stars by mixing up the numbers and keeping people on separate tribes, but in this case, it's just math. Four people came in with a pre-existing alliance, and they didn't have to do any work to figure out a plan other than to stick with what they did last year, and they were already in power. It's not unfair, exactly; it's just boring, because it feels like they're now all playing out what they had when they came in. Unfortunately, they're not likable enough for it to be very satisfying -- at best, they're the least objectionable in a house full of the unpleasant -- so it just feels like the boring Pagonging part of any Survivor season where you just want it to start being interesting again so you don't constantly know what's going to happen. So to sum up, either somebody needs to shift the power, or somebody needs to do battle with a large wild animal. I know which one I'm voting for.
Danielle DRs that S6 is in charge again, so she's kissing ass again. And how is she going about it? Well, she's leading the applause for James's HoH victory, for one thing. James says that being HoH is good in part because it's just nice to know that he doesn't have to worry about himself getting booted for one week. We go back to Danielle, who refers to her own safety in the third person in saying that said safety is all she cares about. (All I care about is Miss Alli not falling asleep, so I feel her.) Kaysar tops off this weird sequence by bragging in the DR about how powerful his alliance is, which just...how many times can we watch the same thing? This is what they've showed Kaysar saying over and over again, starting five minutes after they moved into the house. Kaysar and Friends = Smug. Mike and Will = Vowing To Make Trouble. Danielle = Only Cares About Herself. It's fair to say practically nothing has happened since they got here. No wonder I'm bored.
Speaking of situations in which nothing interesting has happened, Will tells Mike that he assumes they're both going up, but Mike thinks that James's unhappiness with the way Kaysar handled his nominations will throw a wrench into the plans. I'm not sure if Mike is implying that James is going to nominate Kaysar, or what, nor do I think Mike really knows. Mike tells us that he doesn't think anybody in the house can be sure of what James is going to do, and then he tells Will that James could "rock this house" depending on whom he nominates. I swear, Mike has a bizarre age-related disease where when he tries to sound twenty-two, he's fifty.
And now, because they only have three hours a week to convey seven days of nonstop action and they don't have a minute to waste, we watch Chicken George do the housework. George vacuums. George cleans the counters. George cleans out the shower. Mike refers to him as the "Alice" of the house. You know, on The Brady Bunch. George cooks, cleans, and does laundry. "I didn't know I brought my mom here. It's pretty cool, actually," Mike says. I wonder if he meant to give away that his mom still does his laundry. Maybe he digs chicks who don't mind. Howie points out that in addition to cleaning, George is, of course, lurking around listening to everything that's going on. James tells us a little story about being in the storage room with Janelle, and coming out to find Chicken George quickly walking away, which James is sure was an indication that George was listening at the door. So now, I guess James thinks George is diabolical. So was Alice, in fairness. I think she was constantly plotting revenge of some sort because they made her wear that uniform every day. Talk about class warfare. "You sleep downstairs! And wear this! And never move your hair! And call us 'Mr. and Mrs. Brady'!" They were tyrants, seriously. Alice had Stockholm Syndrome. What was I saying?
James takes everyone to see the HoH room. It's decorated in red, and there are pictures of Sarah all over the place, just so that no one will forget her. Apparently, they are still together. Howie, of course, goes into horndog mode, because that's still funny on the 650th try, and he goes on about how hot Sarah is and asks for one of the pictures. He does not get one. Jase, on the other hand, says that he's tired of looking at S6's family and friends. He doesn't care about anyone's family but his, and really, isn't that what being a caring human being is all about? After all, it takes a village full of low-wage workers, probably in India, to do all the work for you so that you can devote your full attention to the people you love.
Remarkably, when S6 sits around and talks strategy, they feel the need to start their conversation by having a discussion about how good they are. "We're the strongest alliance in this house!" Janelle preens. I think everyone...gets that, dear. But thanks for congratulating yourself...again. When they actually get on the topic of whom to take out, they start talking about Jase. My favorite part of their "strategy," however, is when Kaysar the brilliant theorist starts defending James's weird idea of eliminating George, of all people, by saying that if you take out George, then the time a "floater" wins HoH, you force them to pick sides. So here's the thinking, it appears: you spend an entire nomination round taking out a nonthreatening person who doesn't seem to be up to anything and who isn't very likely to win any skill competitions, who might or might not be against you, but who would undoubtedly happily take refuge under your wing and align with you if you offered it to him. And you do it because that way, after he's gone, then the time that another person who might or might not be against you wins HoH, they will be forced to choose whether to nominate you and your friends or your actual enemies and their friends, which will give you information that you can then use to decide whether they are with you or against you, because you ultimately want to get rid of people who are against you.
This is the STUPIDEST CONVERSATION ABOUT STRATEGY I HAVE EVER HEARD. You blow your nominations not even to try to "draw people out," which is already a stupid reason to nominate people, but in order to create the conditions that will allow a future situation that might draw people out? You have four people in your alliance. There are only eight evictions now between you and final four. You waste this one by booting George, then you're waiting for another round when a "floater" becomes HoH, and then after that -- after that! -- you will know where people stand and you will know what to do. It's just...fundamentally incompetent. That's what's killing me. These people are idiots. They're not any good at strategy. They're good at dumb trivia questions and bullshit competitions, but they're idiots. It's no wonder Kaysar got thrown out twice last season; he's a simpleton. There's no point in blowing a nomination to find out who's against you instead of just getting rid of people you already know are against you. It makes no sense.
There's something else going on here, too, though. James goes on about this dumb notion that throwing out George will be seen as a good thing "for the house," and we are all reminded that in some way, there's an ongoing effort on the part of a few people -- James, Marcellas, Jase -- to make this some kind of test of how good of a person you are. They are actually suggesting that everyone will join together to vote someone out of Big Brother on principle. Of course, there is no such thing as principle, or at least not principle that's at all relevant.
Then James returns to that "make people take a side" thing. What's so fucking great about making people take a side? What if they take a side against you? How are you better off? At worst, they turn out to take a side against you, in which case they are just as good as targets to vote out as the people who have already taken sides against you! Oh...never mind. I'm just going to tire myself out. Anyway, Kaysar somberly announces that the purpose of this plan is that they're trying to force Marcellas, Diane, Danielle, and Erika to "make a decision." The stupidity continues as James says that he wants to get Will up to the HoH room and Howie's like, "Yeah, yeah -- see what his true feelings are!" First of all, Howie, I think you've already shown too much interest in Will's true feelings. Second of all, if you believe you can put Will in a room and determine his "true feelings," then you are a jackass. Will amuses me, but...vote him out, fools!
And then they -- I'm sorry to say, I'm not making this up -- put their fists in the center of their little circle like the Superfriends and swear their allegiance. If you've ever heard people who watch reality TV talk about the distasteful nature of "mugging for the camera," this is what they're talking about. Nobody would ever put their fists in a circle like that in their day-to-day life in that situation. That's strictly happening because they think it will be a great shot, and they're sure it will be on TV. It's always too bad when it sticks out quite that egregiously. Unless you're taking the form of an ice bridge or the shape of a gorilla, you don't need to do that.
Back from commercials, some editors are showing off with a brilliantly funny sequence regarding Mike working out. We hear some generic and appropriately dated na-na-na-na-na electric guitar business as he keeps exhaling in this loud, whooshing manner by which the editing staff is obviously amused. Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! He's using this weight machine and that weight machine, he's using free weights, and all the time -- whoosh! Then he's jumping rope -- and then he's tripping on the jump rope and having to stop. And the guitar music screeches to a halt. And then he starts jumping again, and it starts up again, and the entire thing is just delightful in every way, in that it is the perfect moment in which a reality show manages to convey that a person is a tool perfectly effectively without saying a word. It's very similar to letting him be hoist with his own petard, only with a couple of letters removed, but I'm not explaining it, because I get enough angry mail as it is. James stops into the gym and asks Mike what's with all the working out, and Mike says that he's just trying to keep up, blah blah testosterone blah. Mike then DRs that when he came into the house, he saw all "hunky dudes," so right now, he's trying to negotiate "a treaty between FourPackiraq and SixPackistan." It's remarkable that that's only the third most upsetting war I've been hearing about this week. Danielle says in the DR that she talked to Mike about his efforts to get in shape, and how he told her he has his mother's hips. So to recap: in this one episode, Mike's mother has learned that he thinks of her as his personal, wide-assed washerwoman. That's going to be one bang-up Thanksgiving.
Filler: Turns out Will complains a lot. Like, a lot. Sometimes about nothing in particular, and sometimes about oddly amusing things, like the fact that the house has cabinets installed thirty feet in the air and he'd like to know which design-school graduate came up with that theory. He complains about the pictures on the wall, the food, the isolation, the tarantulas, the poor quality of the gym equipment, and so forth. Kaysar says that maybe Will's mother didn't hug him enough. Good one, zzzzz. Will claims in the DR that it's part of his strategy to "demoralize" everyone, but my suspicion is more that he's just an enormous malcontent who enjoys dominating the room by any means necessary, so whatever serves as an irritant is very tempting for him. If he found out anyone was going off into the bedrooms and whispering about how much he complains, he'd instantly stroll into the living room and say something like, "Have you ever noticed that the sofa cushions smell like a wet cow?"
Will and James have themselves a chat. James asks Will if he actually wants to go home, saying that if he doesn't, James has doubts about putting him up as the "pawn" with George, in case the house accidentally boots the wrong person. Will laughs. As he explains to us, he was repeatedly nominated during his season, so he doesn't mind the nomination. Will says to James that everybody knows there's the S6 group, then there's Mike and Will, and then there's everybody else. I'm not sure how that answers the question. James tells Will that if he puts Will up, it will be because James has the votes to keep him from being voted out. James tells us in the DR that in fact, he thinks that he needs Will around at the end of the game. And why? Well, James is not entirely satisfied with S6 status. He and Will agree that James is going to be the first person to lose out when S6 starts breaking down. James says that it "will not happen to [him] again" where that same alliance of people ultimately throws him over the side of the boat at a key moment. If that's how he feels, and if he ultimately intends to screw them, I'd think he probably doesn't want them on the jury, so you'd think the time for him to make a move to get away from that group (which I agree would be good for him) would be...like, now. Will and James agree on a sort of a "core" of the two of them, Mike, and Danielle.
Will in the DR goes back to his "Cool Kid Club Card" thing, saying that it looks to him like James actually wants to play with him and Mike, and then he turns to the camera and winks. Ding! Oh, and Will is wearing a shirt that says, "I'm probably lying." Indeed, you are.
Awesomely, Jase and Howie are in the backyard playing a game that is just perfectly suited to them, in terms of how cerebral it is. It's called Throw The Inner Tube Around. And Jase sings a little song about it. Calling this a filler segment would be an insult to filler segments.
Erika visits James, and he asks her about possible targets. Like him, she thinks the thing to do is go after George. Marcellas shows up and says the same thing, and he tells us that James doesn't like George for some reason. But when Danielle shows up, she thinks he's a right nutbar for targeting George, compared to all the rest of these people. She tells him flat-out that she can't believe he's serious about wasting his HoH week trying to get rid of George, who is clearly not the biggest threat. Danielle tells us that she thinks the game move is obviously to go after Jase, not George. But if James is going to act for personal reasons, he'll go after George. Interesting. I'm not sure what James's problem with George is, but it's apparently pretty severe. James tells Danielle that he can't take it for George to go forward, because he's "fucking worthless." Slinking around listening to conversations, but apparently still just as "worthless" as before. Danielle warns James that going after George will backfire on him, but it doesn't appear for now that he's going to listen.
It's about time to deal with what these people shove into their gaping maws every day, so we have to start off with a discussion of the slop that half of them have been eating. James complains that you can't get the taste out of your mouth once it's in there. So they're all obviously happy when they head out for the food competition. Basically, there's a board full of holes and a bowling ball, and the board is sloped. Using a long stick, pairs of people, one on each side of the board, move the ball up the slope, avoiding the holes, with each pair playing for one day of the week. The farther up you can get the ball, the better the food. At the very top, they'll get full food for the day and a feast for that day.
James and Erika get the ball all the way to the top. It's kind of like one of those tilting games where you try to move the ball through the maze, you know? I'm terrible at those, because I'm uncoordinated. Mike and Diane play for Tuesday, and they make it all the way to the feast as well. Wednesday is Danielle and Will. They pass "Veggies and Beer" and get stopped at "Bread and Kumquats," so those are the things the house will have for Wednesday. I have no idea, incidentally, who decided to unite bread and kumquats in holy matrimony. I kind of get the sense of humor behind "veggies and beer," but not really bread and kumquats. I'm sure they wanted to see the houseguests try to say "kumquats," so that's probably part of it. Howie and Kaysar get the house a feast for Thursday.
Marcellas and Janelle go , and Marcellas admits that they based their team on "looks and whether or not [they] would get along." At least he's self-aware. Marcellas bitches at everyone to stop cheering and hooting, which everyone else managed to live with. They get only as far as Veggies and Beer. They suck. That will not be a nice Friday. The last team is George and Jase for Saturday. Jase tells us that if he had a friend in the house, it would be George. I'm sure George appreciates that. George has to wipe his head several times, and people are concerned about him with heat exhaustion and such, but he survives, and he and Jase also get a feast...at which point George sinks to the ground. Everybody runs over, thinking that if we're about to see the first Big Brother death on screen, they don't want to be caught outside camera range. It turns out that George is all right after all, which they all pretend to be happy about. Danielle is just happy that they don't have to eat slop at all. Of course, later, Janelle and Marcellas complain about how they did. Marcellas whines that he wants to be good at things like this, and says that he always tried in vain to play sports to be like the boys, and so forth. Janelle says that she's glad to be fucking up the competitions, because it will keep people from thinking she's a "smart buxom blonde." Okay, what year is this, and who says "buxom" about herself? And believe me, Janelle, lots of people never thought you were smart.
Filler segment. Mike talks in his sleep, but unlike Eric, he doesn't say identifiable things. He claims that he's done this forever, and says that he's had "embarrassing moments" talking in his sleep. Janelle says she thinks that if they got closer, it could be her strategy to ask him things in his sleep. Brilliant plan, there, "smart buxom blonde." She says that some of the things he says are "scary." Maybe he talks about ugly people. It would make sense.
Second consecutive filler segment: Danielle likes to get up early because she's used to doing so from home. Kaysar quizzes her about marriage, and she explains that she was sixteen when had her daughter, so she never got much of a conventional "honeymoon period." Kaysar tells us that Danielle loves her family. Thanks, Kaysar! He has turned into this totally unnecessary narrator in other people's filler segments. Didn't he used to think about strategy sometimes? Danielle boo-hoos in the DR about how much she misses her daughters, which presumably is why, having left them for three months once, she would never do it again. I mean, not again again.
Janelle explains to us that Marcellas and Danielle are sort of her friends, but they're not as good of friends as her real friends. So she might invite them to her party, but they are so not getting to see her diary. James adds, apropos of nothing, that he thinks Jase went over to Will and Mike too quickly, so he's thinking that he'd like to be rid of Jase.
Now: Nominations Today. Jase announces that he isn't scared of James. Will receives a generous application of spray-on tan from Erika as he tells us again that he will and should be nominated. There's something about seeing Will actually change colors that seems fitting. James tells us that he holds people's fates in his hands, if he doesn't put their keys in, they'll die, blah blah. There can be only one winner! Hear me now! Mike says that these are the most mysterious nominations yet, but he thinks that being nominated with Will is possible. George says people probably think he's smarter than he looks, but he assures us that he's not. "Big Brother is not a team sport," James assures us. Once again, he just wants you to know that he is the skinniest bad-ass that has ever fallen over during a stiff wind.
Ceremony. James prattles on about consequences, and then we're blissfully ready to go. He starts by declaring Erika safe. She pulls out the key for Danielle. Mike. Kaysar. Janelle. Diane. Jase. Marcellas. And...Howie. So it's George and Will. Something about the nominees being George, who looks like George, and Will, who looks like a navel orange, briefly threatens to turn the game inside-out like an umbrella and cause it to become really, really funny. James says that he nominated Will because Will says he wants to go. Will nods. James says that he nominated George for listening at the door. George tries to mock James for nominating him, but that's probably not a winning strategy. Will tells us that he doesn't mind at all being nominated, and says that if they leave him there, they're idiots. James says he'll remove Will if he has any reason to think Will or Mike is "untrustworthy." Yes, really. George complains about the slinging of mud in his direction, and suggests that James is ultimately going to cook his own goose. Which: probably. Can't get enough poultry metaphors.
Tuesday
If you just got here from starring in Memento, you will appreciate the reminder at the front of this episode telling you that Nakomis had already been evicted before we started the last episode. And then there are credits, and then...I seriously can't believe the way they start the real show with blue-and-white versions of the same things we saw literally fifteen seconds ago in the previouslies. How do they get away with that? One of these days, they're just going to run the same half-hour twice to make up a whole episode. We'll all complain, but they'll spit at us: "What are you going to do about it?" And the answer will be that we will do nothing, because we are fully owned.
Anyway, in the DR, James reminds us that his reason for nominating "floater" George was that it forces other floaters to take a side. It doesn't, and it wouldn't help if it did, but we've been over that. James says that he nominated Will because Will can "play the perfect 'pawn' role, because he doesn't care if he goes home." Chew on that for a while. James shares one of the quintessential qualities of a Big Brother contestant, which is the ability to say several dumb things in only a few words. George tells us that being nominated against Will, who is so good at being nominated without being sent home, doesn't make things look very good for him. Janelle offers George a hug of hate, and then she DRs that George is up because "he's been playing the role of the guy who doesn't know anything about Big Brother. What a crock." And then she rolls her eyes. So she's voting him out for pretending he doesn't have a strategy when in fact he does have a strategy, which is to pretend not to have a strategy. That would lead you to vote someone out...why? Because you want to vote out people who have strategies, or because you want to vote out people who don't have strategies? My eyeballs hurt.
Howie tries to hug a nominated Will, but Will finally puts some boundaries up and puts his foot down, telling Howie not to hug him, because it's "weird." Normally, I'd suspect that of being "boys hugging boys!"-anoia, but I seem to recall Will happily hugging many guys over the years, including Bunky, so...not so much. I think that he legimately thinks Howie is weird, which is not exactly the most out-there theory I've ever heard. Will tells Howie to go hug Mike, thus committing the very serious sin of abusing his wing man. Will says in the DR that he loves to be nominated. Why? He's the center of attention, he gets to be in all the competitions, and it makes him feel like "the underdog." He could not be an underdog if he were literally under a dog, but I'm glad he's enjoying himself. Because a happy Will is an energized Will, and an energized Will makes this show much more palatable.
In the kitchen, tension rises between James and George as James attempts to lift the awkwardness of having nominated George by saying that Will wants to go home, so George should certainly have no problem staying. George calls bullshit, telling James that Will obviously doesn't actually want to go home. "Oh, well," George then says to Mike. "Life goes on, Boog." Mike tells George that it's early, but an embittered George laughs, "I'm up against the master! What chance have I got?" George tells us more somberly in the DR that his only shot is the veto, and he's "in for a very, very rough road." Things continue to escalate in the kitchen as James and George attempt to best each other in the escalating Passive-Aggressive Smile-Through-Gritted-Teeth-Off. George "jokingly" says that James is killing him, and James "jokingly" admits to being a terrible guy. George "jokingly" brings a sarcastic lecture about how he's so strategic that you just have to get rid of him, and James bristles, raising the temperature by telling George that if he's really trying to say it's silly to nominate him because he has no strategy, he's apparently implying they should just let him sit there until the very end and get the money. Which is kind of a good point. "It's all about playing the game, George," James lectures. George tightly "laughs" as he tells James to cool it, saying, "You're the one who's coppin' a 'tude, not me." I think that in reality, James is grouchy because he knows that it seems like kind of a stupid nomination, and George is grouchy because he was nominated, but they're both trying to seem unconcerned, which they happen to both be really bad at. George confirms in the DR that he and James kind of don't get along for whatever reason, which I think we all picked up on. Maybe James doesn't think George does a good enough job with the laundry.
Howie tells us that he likes George. Why? Because George cooks and cleans for him. Nice! He then says that he could get all sympathetic about George being nominated, but it was sympathy that got him thrown out last year. Howie: another victim of having lost your own season because you were too awesome. That, I think, is why the season is so irritating. Most of the people here have already lost, and almost all of them think it's because they were too awesome. Too smart, too nice, too friendly, too trusting, too honest, too "real," too loyal. (Or, in a couple of cases, too horny.) So they all came back convinced that they needed to act like dumb, faithless, humorless assholes, which they kind of are.
Out in the yard, Will lifts weights, and Mike comes out and says that George really does not look good. Will claims to feel bad, which has about as much credibility as anything that starts with "Will claims to feel." Will then chuckles that he wants to win the veto and take George off the block, and Mike is like, "Dude, no." Mike tells us that his main allegiance is to Will (duh), so he'd like to see Will get vetoed so somebody else would go home. They chat outside with Danielle, who assures them that the S6 plan is to get rid of George, which Mike kind of can't believe, given that it's the decision between a nice guy who cooks and cleans for you versus the sneakiest snake of all time. Mike DRs that it's a pretty "sick and twisted universe" when Will serves as your "pawn." As much as it pains me to agree with Mike, I agree with Mike. Danielle DRs that the people who are up this week are not the people she'd like to see up. But she says that if you held the vote now, George would go home. Chicken-cooking metaphors follow.
Jase and James have a chat in the HoH room in which Jase thanks James for not nominating him. Jase says that he didn't come to James before the ceremony to ask not to be nominated, because that's for "weak players." In the DR, Jase adds that he doesn't mind being nominated, because he thinks he can beat anyone. Just remember that part. James goes on this big rant about how Nakomis and Allison were booted before passive, worthless George, and it just seems to offend James, as if there's an honorable and a dishonorable way to play Big Brother. James specifically says it's offensive to play that way in All-Stars. I...just cannot believe that conversation is happening. I remember Sars discussing how there's no such thing as tarnishing a victory on The Apprentice, because, as she put it, "It IS tarnish." This is basically the same thing. This is a lot of people who hang out in the same L.A. bars (mostly), coming back to hang around all summer in the hopes of (1) hitting a more profitable fame train the second time around; and (2) getting the cash. It's not the Final Four. It's not even the Jeopardy! Tournament Of Champions. It's just people who've already been on TV to do a meaningless thing who are back on TV doing that meaningless thing some more. No offense to Marcellas, who I'm sure would think I just need to look in my heart and figure out why I'm such a hater.
Jase agrees with James about all the honor and so forth, saying that he wants to play "the best of the best" at the end. This works great for James, who says that's why he nominated George. "You and I have deep respect for this game," Jase says in all unfortunate seriousness. Anyone who has deep respect for this game needs an intervention. Jase says that he and James have a bond, because they were both "back-doored" because of how strongly they played the game. So ultimately, it's like there's this treaty between them, this thing where they decide that they respect each other as men and will play "the way this game should be played." On television, that is, with lots of large plastic props. Think about what you're saying, people.
Filler segment: Marcellas loves Kaysar. I will say that...the appeal of Kaysar, so obvious to others, is quite lost on me. I think I find him so humorless that I can't find him hot. It's not that I need guys to be clowns, but some hint of sparkle in the eye, you know? I think it's the self-serious thing that kills him for me as a heartthrob. I am, however, amused by Marcellas referring to Kaysar as "the Iraqi Peach." Although having that in this recap means that we are now all being watched by the NSA. Hi, NSA! I will say I could have lived without Marcellas's monologue about how turned on he was by Kaysar's B.O. That's just more than I need to know. The word "musk" is almost always unneeded, especially in this setting, where it's used as a euphemism to avoid saying "stench." Anyway, Marcellas thinks that it would be great if Kaysar would just be gay so that Marcellas could marry him. As if Kaysar's going to marry anyone so bitchy.
Later, Marcellas and Erika have a chat. They're trying to decide about George and Will, and Marcellas seems to think that George should be removed because he can't win competitions. Kind of like trying to get an opposing baseball team's shortstop thrown out of the game because he can't catch pop-ups. "He's incompetent in a way that could benefit me! He must go!" Erika insists that "there's a lot more there than he's letting on." Marcellas also says that "Chill Town" needs to stay as a "buffer" against S6. On the other hand, Marcellas mentions that Will's "jugular is exposed," which I thought was funnier earlier in the season when he said exactly the same thing about Danielle. Marcellas DRs that you won't get that many shots at Will, and you might want to act while you can.
After commercials, we find a most disturbing thing happening on night vision while people should be sleeping. Specifically, Jase is...rapping. And other people are sitting around watching. And Kaysar is in charge of percussion. "I think I'm getting a good night's sleep...all of a sudden, 8 Mile breaks out in the bedroom," Will gripes in the DR. Hee. "What could be better than watching white boys try to rap?" Diane dubiously asks us all. And then Jase gets the idea that they should wake up Chicken George and get him to rap. Which...they do. They, like, drag the guy from sleep. It's very odd. He can't rap, so it just comes off like...unnecessary humiliation, to me. Let's get the old guy in here and see what he can't do! George, in the DR, giggles and compares himself to "the two-dollar guy...75 Cents or whatever." Put on the spot, George does manage to call James a "prick" and a "dick." That's what you get for forcing people to rap. You get insulted with all the pairs of rhyming words they can think of. "George has some fight in him," Danielle tells us, apparently based on rap. Who knew the music of the street would bring out the animal in George? I have to say, the more Danielle manages to control herself and keep her mouth shut, the better I like her. I do remember liking Danielle once, and I'd love to like her again.
Filler. Topic? Jase's "mirror face." Danielle explains that Jase likes to stand in front of the mirror, make his mirror face, and flat-iron his hair so that it stands straight up. She also says that he's so ripped that he looks like "Japanese anime." Which is pretty funny...and accurate. But she can barely contain herself talking about his level of primping: "When a man has his bangs hanging ever so slightly over his headgear...Houston, I think we've got a problem." I'm impressed by the quality of her impression of the Jase face, based on the side-by-side comparisons that the show is kind enough to show to us. Will takes his shot at the Jase face also, and his is maybe even better, though perhaps a little too painfully similar, Will. Mike adds his version, which isn't so good. It's hard for one dumb, vain, creepy dude to make fun of another dumb, vain, creepy dude, because you get feedback and reverb and stuff.
Howie and George have a talk in which they discuss the fact that George needs to win the veto, which George repeats in the DR. "The force is with you, Georgie," Howie says. Howie DRs that he likes George, and will miss him when he leaves. George assures Howie that he'll be rooting for him to do well. Aw. Bonding! Well, kind of. The kind of bonding that guys do when they're so incredibly bored, but they're not in jail. "Howie," George says, "you go for the money." He goes on: "And don't let nobody tell you you can't do it, because you can." Aha, who's the barely coherent Jedi now? Sad music plays, like they sort of want us to think we should feel sad about the impending breakup of Howie and George, but Howie and sad music cannot really coexist unironically. Howie tells George he's "been a great Jedi apprentice."
So now, it's time for another round of choosing people at random to participate in PoV. This time, they'll choose by picking balls out of a bag. There are balls with everyone's name, and then there are ones that say "Houseguest's Choice." If James or a nominee picks one of those, then they can pick whomever they want to participate in the veto competition. James picks Kaysar's name. Kaysar flatly proclaims in the DR that he was "very ecstatic." I have to say...you kind of can't tell. "Very ecstatic" looks a lot like "thinking about going to the store later." Will picks Houseguest's Choice, so he picks Mike to compete, of course. George picks Jase, who DRs that he doesn't want Will or Mike to get the veto, since they'd use it and he himself might go up.
So this veto competition involves an escalating series of tasks -- as long as you're willing and able to complete them, you stay in. The first task is eating an entire bowl of slop. Each person will hold up either a green or a red marker to say that they will or won't be participating in each task. For the slop, everyone puts up the green, so everyone's willing to try. Will and Mike, however, quit the slop early. I'm not sure they're all that driven, given that this is stuff that several people ate all week long. I am suspicious. Danielle comments that slop "is Satan's oatmeal." It's so bad that it gives George the shakes, but he does finish it. Mike tells us that he feels bad that he wasn't able to get it done, but when you throw up, you throw up.
The round involves taking off your shirt and pants and throwing them in a burning barrel. They all do that. That was not suspenseful. And then the one involves letting people write on you with markers. Which is also something everyone does without incident. Who thought these up, anyway? The girls' cabin at Camp Towanda? The round involves dunking yourself in a vat of blueberries, thus dyeing yourself blue. All four remaining guys (Kaysar, James, George, Jase) decide to go through with it. I'll let James give you the rundown: "George looked like Fat-Ass Smurf. Kaysar looked like Iraqi Smurf. Jase looked like Vanity Smurf. And I looked like Skinny Manorexic Smurf." Way to go, James. I couldn't have said it better myself, so I won't try. I also admire that in the sense that not every guy could comfortably identify himself as Manorexic Smurf. I think you have to be comfortable with your sexuality, and your weight, and that you're not really a smurf.
In the round, the task is to give up your opportunity to go for the veto week. This takes out James and Jase, both of whom figure it's more important to save their opportunities to go week. Kaysar, however, stays in. He DRs that they had figured George wouldn't last long in the competition, but now, he had to stay in just so that somebody would be there to compete with George. They really shouldn't have let these guys show their answers one at a time. They should all have to reveal together, so that Kaysar can't see that nobody else is staying in before he makes the call. I'm not sure why they let that happen. "If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself," Kaysar says. George, on the other hand, assures us that whatever they had offered, he would have done. And it's a good thing, because what we are going to have now is the inevitable head-shaving. Which they also both decide to do, after George's attempts to cut a deal with Kaysar by muttering that he'd remember it if Kaysar dropped out go unrewarded. So George gets his head shaved, and Kaysar gets his head shaved, both buzzed down to almost nothing. It turns out that George has an incredibly tall head, if I can put it that way. Kaysar looks fine with a buzz cut. Marcellas is all emotional about Kaysar's "big sacrifice," because hair is the kind of thing that Marcellas takes really seriously.
So because it's still a tie after the last dare, the tiebreaker is task is to write down the number of days you'd be willing to eat slop in order to win, of the 60 days that are left. Kaysar writes down 15. George, predictably in my eyes, writes down 60. Danielle insists in the DR that neither of them knows how bad it is to be on slop, which is an interesting point. If Will and Mike couldn't get through it without gagging, I'm not sure George wants to eat nothing else for two months. So anyway, George wins the veto, which is going to throw the plans off. As Howie says, it was a "how bad do you want it?" veto, and George took it. James unhappily says that "it is what it is." He'll be thinking about what the hell he's going to do now. George tells us that he had been sure he was going home, and now he's back.
James grumps around the HoH room, complaining that everything he's worked for is slipping away and so forth. He's done so much! He worked in the coal mines for this! He shoveled snow! He sold pencils on the street! He tells us that he just hopes George's veto win backfires and makes everyone hate George more than they already do. What, because he won the veto? That wouldn't be very fair, now would it? Again, George tells us about being happy he's back, though he's eating slop, which is not great.
James and the S6 crew have a chat in the HoH room about what to do . Janelle wants to put up Jase, because he's not on their side and he's a threat to win competitions. James tells the rest of the guys that he and Jase have this sort of old-school, dusty-saloon, country-music understanding as awesome players that they won't back-door each other, so he'd feel like he was going back on his word if he put up Jase. The initial thought is to put up Mike, and to then vote out Mike rather than Will. Janelle, however, continues to press for Jase to go.
So Kaysar is appointed, or he appoints himself, or whatever, to go and tell Jase that they're putting him up. At first, Jase is unhappy because he would rather someone else be the pawn used to take out Will, but then he figures out that he's not the pawn. They actually want him out. Jase tries to talk Kaysar out of it, but there is no changing anyone's mind.
In the mood for a fight, Jase strolls out into the back yard, where everybody else is hanging out. He hurls his drink into the air angrily. He throws a seat cushion. Will smiles. Mike smiles. They understand where this is about to go. Finally, Jase speaks. "James, you of all people, I didn't think would take the bitch route." So we're going to do this in front of everyone, huh? Apparently so. And as far as the bitch route, I have to say to Jase: don't knock it till you've tried it, dude. It's pretty scenic! James tells Jase that it shouldn't be personal, it's just numbers. Kind of like his intense hatred of George? Yeah, I thought so. James also points out that Jase was going back and forth too much between S6 and Will and Mike. Jase just can't believe it's happening this way after their -- as he calls it -- "integrity talk." I could choose to find that revolting, but instead, I choose to find it hilarious. Integrity talk!
James insists that this is not "back-dooring," since it wasn't done intentionally, but Jase insists that it is, because he should have been given a chance to win the veto. He actually...was given a chance to win the veto, and he knew that he needed it to keep himself from potentially going up, because he said so. He's the one who made the decision not to gamble and not play for it, and that's why he's so mad. James tells Jase that integrity "has to work on every level, not just one," and Jase comes back, "I'm integrity on every level!" Ha. That was awesome. That should be somebody's rap anthem. Howie jumps in by saying that Jase was going to Will and Mike and "telling them our stuff," so that wasn't integrity there. I cannot tell you how much my head wants to blow up from watching Howie and Jase discuss integrity. Jase insists that he never said anything, but he decides to drag Marcellas into it by saying that Marcellas talks out of school. That is not a good idea, because Marcellas loves to feel like the representative of good against an evil force, and if he thinks he has the support of others, he loves to rail self-righteously so that he can gossip later and feel important.
Soooooo, Jase and Marcellas start yelling at each other about whether Marcellas is a traitor or not, and it's interesting to see the totally different ways that these two decompensate. Marcellas is furious, but he's very much under control and putting on a very calculated show for the group, while Jase is unable to really hold down the pitch of his voice, and you can just see that he doesn't have any control over how he's behaving at the moment. Marcellas is over the top, but he's not going to pop an artery, and Jase looks like he just might. At one point, Marcellas tells Jase how stupid it is for him to be stomping around trying to break shit and call people out, and Jase -- so tightly wound that he's about to explode with rage -- says in an almost-squeal, "That's the way I play! I call people out!" And then he's like, "What do you want me to DO? Sit in SILENCE?" He is a weird, unhinged dude. Finally, Marcellas says, "Now I see why the people from Season 5 hated you." Boy, that's a tactic from seventh grade. "Everybody hates you! Nyaaah!"
When we come back from commercials, we are still in the aftermath of Jase's insane meltdown. But now, it's time for the veto ceremony. Seems like it can't get much more dramatic after that, doesn't it? Jase tells us that the reason he lost his shit in the backyard is that he's "a true competitor," and he knows that if he can compete, then he can save himself. You could compete, idiot! I don't know where he's getting this from. But anyway, he says it "dishearts [sic] [him] about the play of the game itself." James tells us that Jase tried to play both sides, so he's paying the price for that. That dishearts me!
George welcomes everyone to the veto ceremony and tells them that Will can now give a speech about why he wants to be in the house. Will stands. He says that while this speech is usually directed at the veto winner, he wants to address the rest of the house. He says that he's been really trying to figure out why he just wasn't feeling motivated this season, and tells us that he realized that what motivated him during his season were the people who he hated. Hating them gave him a reason to want to get them out of the game. So why, he wondered, doesn't he have that motivation this year? It occurred to him that maybe it was because he really likes everyone in the house. But...he's realized it's the opposite. "I can't find an individual to hate, because I hate you all," he says with childlike wonder. "There's no one I hate more than anyone else." So he asks them all to remove him from the game. If they don't, he's going to throw every HoH, every PoV, and every food competition, meaning that he's going to keep them all on slop as much as possible. He does, however, encourage George to take himself off the block, because "he went up against the five wickedest, freakiest Big Brother players, and he whooped their ass." Sometimes, I have to admit that I don't really know what Will is doing, and this is one of those times. I understand why he thinks this would be funny; I don't understand why he thinks it would be smart.
So. Back to George. George decides to give the opposite speech. He says that it was "one of the most greatest things" when he got picked to be in the house with them. He talks about the time that he's at in his life, and how great it is to be there with all of them, including Will, and he wants to play the game. "We've been given a second chance!" he says. And not very many people get that chance. So he's honored just to be there, because they're all All-Stars "at something in life." This is like Mr. Holland's Opus, with less clarinet. So he's decided to use the power of veto on himself, so now, James will choose someone else to put on the block. Not much suspense -- it's Jase. Jase still looks ready to explode, and George adjourns the meeting. He says that he never anticipated that winning PoV would be such a lot of drama. Will, on the other hand, tells us in the DR that he's "made the target on [his] back so giant that it's become invisible." I don't think that's going to work, but I'll admit that it might be the only strategy he could even try. Honestly, I don't know what else Will could have done to improve his odds. James points out that Jase shot himself in the foot -- in fact, he shot one and Will and Mike shot the other one. Jase just wants us to know that he's "a true competitor." Again.
Thursday
Live Eviction Day! I'm so excited! Not really. Because I can't wait! Also not really.
Previously, the last fifteen pages happened. We find Julie Chen strolling around the front "yard," reminding us about Will's explanation of how much he hates them all and Jase's meltdown. Julie is wearing a surprisingly non-horrific top, by the way, with a purple front and black sides. It's not as bad as it sounds, actually. She tells us that Jase is trying to dig out of his hole, while Will is doing "damage control," and the house is trying to select "the lesser of two evils." We blue-and-white back to Will's hate exposition, then to George's veto of himself, then to Jase being put up. We move to color, and it turns out that Jase decided to make a speech at the end of the meeting, too.
You see, Jase just wants to say that he was going to say what Will said. He was going to say he hates them all, too. He wants them to vote him out, too. He's never going to talk to any of them again, after all. And he was totally going to say that before Will said it! He was! And then he says my favorite thing: "This isn't my game; I was really meant to be cast for Survivor. It's not my genre." That last word has three syllables, by the way, and the middle one is "uh."
Will and Mike head back into a bedroom where Will explains that he wants Mike to just calmly pick up a couple of votes for Will to make sure he stays. That was thrown in, I think, just in case you wondered whether "vote me out" meant "vote me out." Will DRs that his plan is to make people think he wants to go home, and then they'll forget about him. It seems like that should be too simplistic to work, but it totally isn't. Back in the bedroom, he tells Mike that he thinks he took the target off himself. Mike tells us that Will is his best pal, and will stay and fight "like a Chill Town warrior." Complete with sword and...headband?
George and Jase chat on the patio, and George asks Jase whether he really wants to quit. Jase says that he doesn't know, and then DRs that he both wants to stay and wants to leave because of his girlfriend and her daughter. Jase asks George if he can have George's vote should he decide he wants to stay, and George stalls for time by licking his fingers at revolting length. I'm curious as to what he's licking, because...isn't he on slop? George says that he's not sure what to think, because inside, Jase said he didn't want to stay. Of course, so did Will, who's the other choice. George thinks Jase needs a nap, which for some reason strikes me as hysterically funny. George says to us that he's probably better off with Jase in the house than Will. He claims that he and Jase are from the same state and "have an awful lot in common." I have searched my entire database of information about Jase and Chicken George, and I cannot find one thing other than being from the same state -- which I just learned now -- that would suggest they have anything in common. I was going to make a joke here about Jase having a secret affinity for poultry, but I totally grossed myself out. I apologize to the game hens of the world. Jase ultimately decides to lift weights instead of taking a nap. There's something about this entire exchange -- "Take a nap." "Nah, I'll lift weights" -- that sums up this show rather perfectly.
Filler: Mike takes a bath with Erika and Janelle. You heard me. He goes into predictable fits of hornitude over this development. Mike tries to spare a couple of kind words for keeping Will in the house, but he's distracted by his enormous erection, I suspect. Fortunately, information about this is not provided.
Jase and Marcellas have a chat in which Marcellas decides to become Jase's personal Jiminy Cricket, saying that Jase is "making a choice to behave badly." Jase agrees, referring to this as "going out with a bang." Marcellas tells him not to go out in this bad way. Marcellas insists that everyone in the house lives "in constant fear...fear of what you're going to do !" Jase quite correctly identifies this particular line of argument as total crap. Marcellas tries to give Jase a lecture about how to read the room, which just makes my head want to blow up; it's so...apt and so ridiculous at the same time. It's way beyond a Martian talking to a fungo. Jase gets up and leaves, and they still aren't friends. There's a surprise.
Jase, Danielle, and Diane have a talk as he swings in the hammock. They discern that he will need five votes to stay. Danielle cautions him that it's a lot of votes to try to get. Jase can count on three if he can get these two women and George. Jase DRs that he does believe he has Danielle and Diane and maybe George. He's thinking Kaysar and somebody else from S6. "Seems like a longshot," he says. He goes up to meet with S6, and tells them that he'll uphold any deal that they make with him. James offers him the possibility of a deal in which none of them would nominate each other until at least "sequester." I'm not sure when that is, but it's a couple of votes away, anyway. Jase will take it. They all shake on it. When he's gone, S6 can't decide what to do.
Out on the patio, Jase joins Will, Danielle, and Mike just as Will is saying he needs to go inside and tell S6 he's after them so that they'll vote him out. Jase informs Will that he just extracted this handshake deal where he'd put up "floaters." Danielle does not look happy. In the DR, Danielle tells us she wishes Jase hadn't done that. (Made the deal, not told everyone, although maybe that, too.)
Now, it's time for Julie to take us to the living room, where she comments on Kaysar and George and their lack of hair, although George's is covered by Marcellas's Afro wig. Which George is wearing with a green fake moustache, orange sunglasses, and a green shirt hand-lettered "Mr. Fart." What I like about that is that it's so subtle and witty. You want to be funny, but you never want to just be crass. Anyway, Julie asks Marcellas what he thinks of Kaysar bald. Marcellas announces that "Kaysar is even more gorgeous" without his hair. Julie reminds Kaysar that in addition to shaving his head, he gave up his ability to compete in the veto week. Kaysar remembers that. And then she reminds him that he lost. He remembers that, too. Julie asks Kaysar if he has regrets, but he says that he doesn't.
Now, Julie reminds Will that he claimed he hated everyone. Everyone laughs, which says quite a bit right there, if you think about it. Julie asks how he's being treated in the aftermath of that speech, and Will says that he's being treated "same as always." Heh. He also assures her that he hates himself in addition to everyone else. Will tells Julie that in terms of how they're actually treating him, it's "even Steven," that "everything is real calm around here, Julie." And then he smirks, and everyone laughs again. World on a string, that kid.
And now, let us address ourselves to Mr. Fart. George is on slop, and when Julie asks him how it's going, he explains that the slop is the reason for the shirt and the new nickname. Apparently, slop causes digestive issues when you eat it day in and day out, which is almost certainly not the way it's meant to be ingested.
And then Julie calls out Mike for talking in his sleep, and we get some footage of that, in which he sounds like he's talking backwards. Asked what he's saying other than "Paul is dead," Mike fakes her out by giving his friends back home a shout-out. Somewhere, his friends carefully don't react, to make sure that no one realizes that they know him.
Julie promises that after the commercials, we will see a tribute to the awesomeness of George. But first! Voting. Danielle, Kaysar, and Mike are in the DR. Danielle says that she was actually trying to keep Jase around, but he kind of killed her reason for doing it by making a deal with S6 to go after "floaters," which would be...her, for instance. Kaysar claims that he "can keep up with Will's game." He can start that any day now, then. Mike tells us, to no one's surprise, that he loves Jase, but that Will is his true north and his third eye and so on. Kaysar says that he will be leaving the decision to his "gut." Probably because his hair is gone. He says that he would keep Jase because of Jase's "caring side," which shows that Jase can be trusted. Seriously, Kaysar is the dumbest person ever. Jase doesn't have a caring side. Jase is like a pancake. Flip it over, and it's less well-cooked, but not any more capable of human feeling. Danielle says that she's going on her first instinct. But we hear no one's vote, which does not suggest a close one.
Back from commercials, Julie tells us that James thinks George is out of place as an "All-Star," but now, he's starting to earn respect. "Who is the real Chicken George?" she asks. Howie DRs that he figured George was pretty much done for the minute he came in the door. Mike says the "minnow among sharks" thing again. George says that he hasn't made much of an effort to fit in; he's just playing around. We see George's wife and his kids, and then him talking to Diane about staying afloat while he's gone. He says that his wife told him he'd always regret it if he didn't go. Such a tricky decision, that. I've made some of my best and worst decisions using exactly that approach. George tells us that he quit his job to come back, which is...not good to hear. I never advocate that. George says to Diane that he's worked very hard and wants to be here. George says that this is his chance to "chase [his] dream." This is his dream? Since...a few years ago, when it was invented? Can you imagine this being your dream? Like you get these votes, and then you're just, "I've accomplished all I care to. This is all I could possibly want in my obituary."
We revisit George's incredibly touching veto speech in which he assured the rest of the people involved that indeed, they are just as awesome as they think they are. As you can imagine, Marcellas loved George's speech, and pretty much tells us that it restored his faith in the benign God that is Big Brother. He claims that it "inspired" him, and it reminded him "why we should be here." Marcellas loves the part where they talk about how you should play the game like a good person, because it gives him more ammunition to walk around declaring who does and does not deserve to live. I wonder if he goes through the same culling process when it comes to people who talk about him on the internet. I'm betting that he does.
We watch as George visits James and Kaysar in the HoH room. James first admits to almost tearing up at the speech, and then says that he was wrong about George when he thought George was just there to "collect a check at the end." No, George is there for some reason other than the money. Quick -- name a reason you would do this other than money. I'll wait.
Didn't think so. Anyway, George and James agree that you have to have honor, and be honored to be there, and if you don't, you won't compete to the ultimate yankety-spank, and boy does Big Brother integrity talk make me long for the perfect logic of Survivor integrity talk. Kaysar says the reason for his baldness is that he wanted to find out "what this Chicken is all about." Kaysar gives George his blessing in a DR in which he says that George has done very well for someone everyone agreed would do nothing. "You definitely gained our respect," Kaysar says. I'm sure forty-seven-year-old George and his three children and his lifetime of experience supporting himself and his family appreciate twenty-five-year-old Kaysar's granting of respect, especially if it carries the respect of geniuses like Janelle and Howie with it. James gives a similar DR in which he gives props to George for doing what it took to stay. George finally leaves the HoH room and says in the DR that now everyone knows that he "will not quit."
Julie chats with James in the HoH room. Remember, nobody can hear you! Julie asks about Jase's accusation of "back-dooring." Their ability to repeatedly use that phrase as if it isn't at all funny never ceases to amaze me. James says that he didn't want to nominate Jase anyway, but it was the alliance's idea. He acknowledges that he did tell Jase he wouldn't put him up, but once Jase admitted that he was after Danielle and Janelle, James felt obligated to protect them, since he obviously has some weird thing going with Danielle. "So you went back on your word?" Julie asks, and James hedges, afraid to even admit his maneuvering to Julie, saying Jase had already broken his word by hooking up with Will and Mike. Julie also asks about George, and James says that George "has more heart than anyone in here," and that now James has adopted him as a sort of a pet, and plans to take him as far as possible. James also has to respect George for putting up with all that slop.
Julie asks James about the fact that he seems to have two alliances he's talked about -- S6, and then Will/Mike/Danielle. Which is he more loyal to? He says that he's more loyal to S6 and Danielle. Mike and Will, not so much, because you never really know what they're doing. James says that he's just a backstabber by nature, and he made his nominations to look out for S6 and Danielle, so that's apparently his loyalty. Do you suppose that standards have dropped so low that the producers don't even notice anymore that nothing interesting is ever said in these interviews? Because I'm about ready for these to be a thing of the past.
Coming up: the scoop on Will. But first! Voting from Howie, Diane, and Marcellas. Howie promises that he can beat Will at anything. Other than retaining his dignity, I guess. Diane says Jase is very competitive, and keeping him around just puts a target on her. Howie wants to keep Jase, because Jase could team up with Howie's team. Marcellas says that Jase has no integrity. He would, of course. And I guess that's in contrast to Will, who is all about integrity.
When we come back, it's time for us to all take a look at Will from the point of view of his brother and -- surprise! -- old girlfriend Shannon, the lovely person who cleaned out the toilet with a toothbrush and left potato chips on a curvy girl's bed to mock her. I couldn't be happier at the thought of seeing her again; that's for sure. Unsurprisingly, Will's brother Ian is a nice-looking kid. Ian says that nobody really anticipated Will's lie-and-intimidate strategy back in the day. And then...Shannon. Yuck. Boo! She says that she and Will haven't talked in a couple of years. "It's unfortunate," she says, and adds that he was good-looking, but she was overwhelmed by the arrogance at first. She tries to make it sound like she didn't just get totally rolled by him, which she did, and then Ian says that Will's relationship with Shannon was actually sincere, and they stayed together for a while afterwards. Shannon picks up here, saying that they broke up because she likes to go out, and he likes to stay home and play videogames, and he's "very shy." Hm. Ian says that Will's obsession with looks is a joke, although he does care a lot about looks because of his profession. Shannon mocks Will for having admitted that he gave himself liposuction. She calls his "a perfect example of vanity." For a girl who once bragged about possessing vanity, that's quite an accusation, there. She also mocked how stupid he looked in the orange spray tan, which is true, but I think she kind of missed the point, which was that it was supposed to look stupid. Ian tells us that Will likes to mess around in the house, but that he's actually a pretty good person, and it's his ability to turn all that off when he plays the game is what makes him a good player. "If he wants to stay in the game, I think he will," Ian says.
Julie promises that the eviction is coming up. Really. But first! George, Janelle, and Erika. George isn't sure which nominee is more deserving of leaving. Janelle says that you'd get rid of Will because he's part of [that alliance I hate naming]. Erika says keeping Jase might backfire; Janelle says that it might be safer for her to get rid of Jase, because he'll come after her in the long run. George just doesn't know what to do.
When we come back, it's almost time for the eviction. Jase or Will? Which person who said he hated everyone and wanted to leave will actually be made to leave? Given a chance for final words, Jase says that he's not going to hate on any of them, because they're all crazy, and "crazy people make poor decisions." He goes on to say that he hates the way he's leaving, and he adds that he only wants Danielle and Diane to walk him to the door. So that's pretty much throwing them to the wolves, all, "They were my friends, so." Jase is...actually crying. Only a little, but he is. Will says that Jase is a "tough act to follow." As if. He says that he wants to take back saying he hates everyone, and says he should have just said he has severe dislike for them or disdain for them. Heh. He then gives a shout-out to his dermatology clinic, which is so lame I can't believe I had to type it. Julie irritatedly says, "Thank you, Will." Seriously. That's as close to "that'll do, pig" as I've ever seen her.
So now, by a unanimous vote of 9-0, Jase is booted. Wow. Not even one sympathy vote. Jase stands up and gives hugs, and then Diane and Danielle walk him out. Jase also makes a couple of remarks about being back in a week or two, and that's a little odd. He walks over to meet Julie, who welcomes him to her power gazebo or whatever and sits on the bench.
Back inside the house, Will says, "Jase left early, man. He didn't deserve that....It's so weird, it's like, I'm sad, but...I'm jealous." And then there's something about pushing a buzzer and hoping for Alison, and they all definitely think somebody is coming back.
Outside in the Ungazebo, Julie asks Jase about all the...you know, crying. He says that it's hard to talk about, but it's all about this business of being "back-doored." He returns to his theory that he should have been on Survivor, where if you get food, they keep you around, because they don't get rid of strong players. Has he ever seen Survivor? They don't do that! He's either never seen that show and simply assumes it works as he would think it would work, or he's high. Julie tells him there are "no mirrors and flatirons on Survivor." Julie! Hee. He tells her that he'd be fine without his products, even though he looks about to crack. Julie talks to him about being "a changed man," but she asks about whether the idea that he's all different now is undermined at all by his freak-out. Jase talks about how James promised him that he wouldn't be "back-doored," and they had this understanding, and then -- back-doored! Julie basically calls him stupid for believing James in the first place. Julie says that he seemed to be playing all different alliances, and she wonders whether that was a mistake. Jase basically claims that it was just too difficult to break into either alliance, so he was trying to protect himself. He says he had an alliance with Diane, and Julie tries to get him to comment on "Mr. & Mrs. Smith," and he tries to play cagey, saying maybe there was something and maybe there wasn't.
And now: goodbye speeches. What I love about it is that Julie starts off by asking if he wants to hear what they had to say "in case...they all evicted you tonight?" Ha! She's like, "Soooo, interested in what a bunch of people, all of whom voted against you, wanted to tell you before you left just like they wanted?" Jase is up to the challenge. Mike raps, revoltingly, explaining in shitty rhyme that he's great friends with Jase and can't wait to "kick it" with him. I think if I ever ran into those dudes hanging out together, there would certainly be kicking, but we may be talking about different things. Howie is more on the "fuck you" angle, saying that Jase shouldn't have gone back and forth and flirted with Will and Mike. Marcellas starts talking about how there was good Jase and then there was bad Jase who created "unnecessary drama," and Jase's eyes almost roll right out of his skull and onto the floor of the set, and I totally don't blame him. In fact, he snorts "from Marcellas?" after Marcellas accuses him of creating "unnecessary angst." Marcellas, who can create angst over people's shoes, is not the right person to make the "you're just too much drama!" argument. Diane says that she admires him and she likes him. Janelle says that she's "so, so sorry" they couldn't take the deal he offered. Danielle weepily says that she hopes he forgives her. He nods as she says in her video that she really tried to save him, and she couldn't. Jase's final thoughts, to the degree that he has any or has ever had any, are that he hopes to hang out for a while and then come back, in which case he promises to "rip it apart." "It" being, presumably, the furniture. up: HoH.
When we return from commercials, it's time for the HoH competition. Will S6 continue to be in charge? Oh, I certainly hope not. James isn't playing, so there are ten in the competition, and three are S6. This competition is based on the signs that hang around the house that define words like "love" and "hate" and "deceit." You should know that most of the questions that are asked are so easy that you could win every question just by hitting your buzzer first and figuring out while Julie was saying your name what the answer was. Anyway, the way it works is that if you buzz in and get a question right, you can choose someone to eliminate, but if you're wrong, you're out. And you can't get the question right and eliminate yourself.
First question is correctly answered by Marcellas, who boots Mike. Kaysar gets the one, and he boots Diane. (Huh?) Will gets one, and he throws out Howie. Will gets the question -- just about the only one with two possible answers -- wrong, and he's out. Erika throws out George, Kaysar throws out Erika (with a pained expression, since they're going to get maaaarried), Janelle throws out Danielle, and Marcellas throws out Kaysar. So now, it's just Marcellas and Janelle, and I am doomed to a week that I will absolutely hate, because someone very unpalatable will be very happy. Janelle gets the question, so she's HoH again. Yeeech! Ptooey! And if that's not half of her bra hanging out of her shirt, it's something specifically designed to look like half of her bra hanging out of her shirt. Classy. So everyone congratulates Janelle. EXCEPT ME.
Julie rubs it in that "the Season 6 reign continues." Like I needed to be told from my position banging my head into the wall.
Back in the living room after commercials, Julie comments to Will that he was kept by unanimous vote. He says that he wants to request eviction week and he'd like to take this opportunity to nominate himself. Julie basically makes him shut up, and then she promises that we'll find out on Sunday whom Janelle decides to nominate. I've got to tell you, I don't think it's going to be Will.