Sunday
It's like you cut off the Alison head and a million Danielle heads grow back. It grosses me out when newbies start in with the alliance paranoia the first night, but these are All-Stars, supposedly; everybody bullshits around thinking their "alliances" are going to mean anything two weeks from now. Janelle "accidentally" tells Danielle that Diane was one of the dissenting voters in my beloved Alison's 8-2 split. HoH Kaysar and Howie talk about nominating Will and Mike, but then decide not to, because I guess they are idiots. James tries to play both sides against the middle, because that's his whole life, but he does tell the group that Jase is totally on the anti-S6 side of the fence. Howie brings up the idea of nominating that one non-S6 ("Chilltown," again) and one S6 alliance (now, hilariously, the "Nakomis" alliance) person, basically to freak out both alliances, and I think to smoke out Jase. I like how the whole show revolves around Jase, who I used to hate so much, but now I think he's being brilliant. He's got them scared and not in the imaginary Danielle way, and I can't suss out how he did it. Kaysar talks one million square miles of bullshit that he must deal "the concussion blow" with his stupid nominations and he's going to "send the world a message" by dating Erika, which is only about as real and not-fake as Howie's love affair with Will. Which is, basically, over, since Will's about three seconds from getting really creeped out by it, and willing to get abusive. Even heartless, as pointless James calls bullshit on Will's anti-Howie behavior. Will thinks about granting Jase a "Chilltown card" but doesn't really trust him, blah blah. Mike sucks so bad, again, some more, even bitching about coattail riders, which earns him a swift kick in the ass from the God of Irony. The stupid food competition involves a "barnyard," a trough of slop, and digging "rats" out of the slop with your teeth. Nakomis mistakes her bandanna for the rat, earning both Marcellas's undying hatred and her team (basically, her, Marcellas and S6) the remains of the slop for their meals. Gross. Not only are we upping the ante on he PB&J, but also there are tarantulas instead of fish in the aquarium/terrarium. So meaningful. Will "injures" Erika post-comp with his idiotic yet sexy behavior, but Kaysar "saves" her, and it's soooo romaaaaantic. Danielle acts like a crazy-ass some more, but not in such a way that George's offer to be Howie's Jedi apprentice still isn't the saddest fucking thing you ever saw. In the end, Diane and Nakomis are nominated for being floaters, despite the fact of whatever.
Tuesday
Being on the block makes Diane cry, and it makes Nakomis dye her hair bright orange. Janelle and James are agitated because they dislike Kaysar's nominations -- Janelle, for one, would totally nominate Will and Boogie if she ever had a chance to be HoH. Wait, there's something wrong with that. I'm thinking. Anyway, in the veto competition, giant golf clubs spell victory for Erika, who hems and haws for a while, but who ultimately winds up not using the veto. The veto is so pointless, you guys, seriously. In other news, the houseguests name their pet tarantulas, Janelle throws a few insults at people who work with their hands, and Howie shows his goodies to the world. Don't forget Mike's birthday, or Erika's birthday thigh. Oh, yes. Seriously. Did we mention Diane crying all over herself? Because there's quite a bit of that.
Thursday
Nakomis and Diane are on the block, and people seem very conflicted about what to do, largely because between the two nominees they find it hard to care who stays or goes. Chicken George shows up at the live show wearing a tin-foil costume, complete with real tin-foil hat, which really has nothing to do with anything, except that it was completely strange and therefore noteworthy. We learn that Mike is attracted to Diane (ick), and we learn yet again that Kaysar is a Muslim, which the show oddly feels compelled to talk about constantly in spite of clearly not knowing exactly how to talk about it without seeming completely stupid. In the end, Nakomis is evicted 8-2, but she seems sure it was just because she was so good. Who called that girl unable to fit in? The HoH competition amounts to little more than drawing names out of a hat, due to the stupidity and obscurity of the questions, and James gets lucky, meaning that for yet another week, we get to watch the same people who came in with the same inherent advantage lord it over everyone else. Snore.
Warning: I've been traveling so much that I'm about as punchy as a ten-year-old at an eight-year-old brother convention, but let's take a deep breath and see just where we are, folks.
Sunday
What I like about Big Brother is that contestants have a tendency to talk about themselves in the third person. They are Bob Dole. They are Rickey Henderson. It gives them a much-needed sense of gravitas, because nobody has gravitas like Bob Dole and Rickey Henderson, which is why America long ago solved its longstanding problems with erectile dysfunction and stealing second base. And that's what I like about Big Brother.
Alison is evicted in blue and white, and Janelle smugly chuckles that now she's "really safe" because the only person who wanted her out is gone. Way to read a room, Giggles McTwit. Rather horrifyingly, Danielle joins those who are revisiting the shtick of yore when she says, "One week down, and eleven more to go." Wow. I didn't even like the countdown the first time. Now, it's lame and old. And it's not Brian Dennehy old, you know? It's like Hume Cronyn old. Well, Hume Cronyn before he died. But just barely. Everyone watches Alison's picture turn black and white. Dramatic! They might as well set your picture on fire, like on Hell's Kitchen.
Marcellas hugs the rescued Danielle in the Living Room Of Insincerity with all the passive-aggressive hate he can muster. He DRs that the BB6 goofballs promised him that they'd go after Danielle if he voted with them to boot Alison. That explains the hate-hugging. Then Janelle, who of course nominated Danielle, comes into the bedroom to congratulate her on staying. I would administer at least seventeen punches in the face per week if I lived in this house. Janelle further smugs in the DR that "everything seems to be working out perfectly." She seriously is a perfect size six, is wearing a gold lavalier her parents gave her, and is not named Elizabeth. Danielle asks Janelle who the two people voting for her were, and Janelle says that it was Diane and someone else. Danielle tells us that her strategy this week is going to be kissing Janelle's ass. Well, sucking up to Janelle never happens, so that will be a change of pace.
For her part, Diane DRs that it was pretty obvious she and Nakomis were the votes against Danielle. Not to Danielle, I guess. Nakomis does the post-mortem as well, DR-ing she found out too late that everybody else was switching and didn't get to vote with the majority, which left her in a bad position.
We are reminded that Kaysar became HoH when Nakomis screwed up the matter of whether Alison thought Will would seek revenge on other houseguests by abusing people's toothbrushes. So basically, it was a battle of wits. We are also reminded of the idiotic overcelebrating by Kaysar's team, the recollection of which leads Jase to tell us in the DR that he did the same thing during his season. "Dumb-ass Howie apparently didn't see how that worked out," Jase observes. Janelle adds that they'd all been trying to "hide" the fact that they were all allies, but she "figured, 'what the heck?'" It's a great line. She's like, "Well, I was doing something I thought was smart, but then I figured, why not do something dumb instead? You only live once!" She is more irritating in this particular DR session than, like, anyone. Ever. James says that it was "calculated" that he didn't run over and participate. Danielle bitches in the DR about the "Big Brother 6 redo." And that's why Janelle is stupid not to know the answer to the "what the heck?" question. This show is pettier than anything else anywhere. They have nothing to do. They sit around all day and they do nothing. And what do they use to fill their time? Mostly shit-talking and the nursing of grudges. So it is foolish to provide people with unnecessary reasons not to like you, and gloating over a victory -- no matter how understandable it may be to everyone who's ever played a team sport -- is a way to make petty people not like you. This house, in particular, is still very unsettled. It's not a clear division of one alliance versus another, at least not without substantial complications. So it doesn't make sense to unnecessarily make people angry. Nobody really has much of an agenda right now except "not me" and, in a couple of cases, "not my guy I have with me." There's a lot of available atmospheric bullshit that's just airborne and searching for a place to settle, and it doesn't take much to attract it to yourself. That's "what the heck," Janelle.
Kaysar happily DRs that now, everyone is afraid of him. What's sad is how much Kaysar enjoys and needs that, and how earnest he is about it. If you're wondering, incidentally, just how earnest Kaysar is, check out his HoH diary, pointed out to me by one of the EEFPs. It might be okay if read at a wedding, and there's nothing wrong with the sentiments, but as part of a Big Brother diary, it just makes you look like a complete nitwit. "When you must cry, I will dry your tears"? Like...after you don't win the veto competition? Dude.
In an upstairs chat among the S6 people, Howie -- who hates Nakomis with some kind of irrational rage -- says that Nakomis needs to be sent home. Janelle, on the other hand, says that Will and Mike "need to be dealt with." Kaysar promises to "make this a week to remember." And also? To dry your tears. Okay, I'm just kidding.
Mike's over in his room, literally saying how smart he is. No, really. Stand aside; there might be lightning. He DRs that Kaysar was the person he least wanted to win HoH. I think it seems as likely to Will and Mike that they'll be nominated as it seemed to me that they'd be nominated. Will agrees with me, and says that he hasn't even spoken to Kaysar, but he certainly expects to be nominated.
And then we get the Will Is A Dipshit Dermatologist segment, in which Will "enlightens" us about the fact that everyone needs Botox. He starts out all right, on a sort of "there's nothing wrong with doing something to make yourself feel better" kick, but then it turns into a monologue about all the wrinkles in Howie's forehead, and we're just off the rails. Will talks all about how much work Howie needs, and obviously, some of this is just Will amusing himself with Howie, but he comes off like a huge dick, and not in the way he intends or the way that's kind of cool. It seems humorless and grouchy, which is not really Will's typical approach. Kaysar contends that Botox stops you from having facial expressions. "How much expression do you need?" Will asks. Oh, dear. And then Will tops it off by mentioning that he administers his own Botox around his forehead and eyes. Now, it should be remembered that Will telling people something and that something being true are two very different things, and Will told people all kinds of ridiculous bullshit for his own amusement last time around, so there are some grains of salt at issue here. But it's still stupid. "I hate to take away from your business, but I still don't agree," Kaysar says, so self-serious that he contends with Will for the Biggest Stinkpot prize, right when Will seems about to grab it for good. Will attempts to equate the grooming of Kaysar's goatee with the injection of Botox, which: not, and Kaysar counters with a comment about how he disapproves of putting "pouches inside your breasts" (cruelarious cut to Janelle and Erika), and how some things are just over the line. Kaysar DRs that Will is a know-it-all and was "dismissive" of opposing views. I hope Kaysar can get used to this, because if he can't, he's going to be unhappy. "I'm a little insulted that Kaysar doesn't think that people need dermatological procedures," Will announces in the DR. It's even harder than it used to be to tell when he's just entertaining himself and when he means any part of what he's saying. Fairly reliably, though, when he declares himself to be either "insulted" or "offended," he's appearing in a show in which he's playing himself, rather than telling you what he actually thinks.
Kaysar invites the group to visit his HoH room. Will doesn't care, and he shows it. Other people head inside and find that the room has been done over for Kaysar. Apparently, everybody gets different furniture and décor this season, which seems just a trifle excessive. I'm not sure they need to change out the comfy chairs for every new person. Marcellas salivates over how Kaysar will look in the cashmere sweater he's received as one of his little perks. "I would prefer a pink room," Janelle announces. Thank you, Janelle. Marcellas wants a circus theme, which makes my brain go first to very bad acrobat places, and then to very good head-in-a-lion's-mouth places. Mike wants his room "Boogiefied." So...lots of Viagra, Propecia, and 1995 slang dictionaries? Will still could give a shit.
Kaysar and Howie have a chat in which Howie reminds Kaysar of Nakomis's crafty play in the past, and of how she targeted Jase's alliance back in Season 5, and might go after the biggest alliance here, too. Howie maintains, however, that Will and Mike need to be on the block. Kaysar says that he doesn't understand why you'd make Will and Mike mad at you, which will only make them come after you. To his credit (for once), Howie points out that Will and Mike are already after S6, so it's not like they're really giving up very much.
Janelle pays her boys a visit, and the conversation gets a bit unintelligible, but Janelle winds up bitching about James, because even her own alliance members never quite please her princessy ass. Then, James himself shows up, and he points out that it's not that smart for them all to hang out together 24 hours a day, as if they're painting "PLEASE VOTE OUT MY STRONG ALLIANCE" on their chests. James's agenda is that he's very concerned about Jase, and very unhappy that Janelle seems to believe that Jase can be trusted. James also offers the opinion that Nakomis is the strongest player besides Will, on account of being so smart. Janelle suggests putting up one of the people from what they perceive to be the Diane/Nakomis pair, and one of the people from the Will/Mike pair, in order to try to make the two pairs go after each other in hunting for votes, hopefully splintering the rest of the house. Howie concurs. I still think that they'd be smarter to just put up Mike and Will, but this plan has some merit.
When we return from commercials, we are plunged into an incredibly dorky scene in which Kaysar and Erika attempt to flirt, and they're both very bad at it, because they're boring, and boring people are terrible flirts. She uses the word "manly." He discusses finding "the right person," and calls her "a really sweet woman." The sealing of fates is discussed. Oh, and Erika asks Kaysar whether he's ever been in love. I take the position, incidentally, that by the time you know somebody well enough to ask that question, you probably know him well enough to know the answer. Really, however, Erika wants to talk about her own breakup, which is why she raised this issue. Understandable, but still ill-advised. "It's the worst pain when it ends," Erika says. Ack. This is not working as escapism! Let's get back to stupid people acting stupid! But no. We must grieve with Erika. She tells us that her recent breakup with Josh from Big Brother 1, who was her sweetie for several years, has been "hard." And she says "hard" in that way where you immediately know it's the "it was not my choice" kind of hard, which is way worse, of course. She tells Kaysar that they broke up in May, and she says it's "so painful." Seriously, that's really soon. I...yeah. That's really soon to come off a breakup from a long-term relationship and flop yourself directly into an intense experience like this. It's not exactly a spa retreat. "Letting go was hard," she says. Crickets chirp around my living room. Kaysar talks about "time to heal," and Erika cries, and Kaysar says that maybe she can "start over." She adds, in case you're not convinced that things have sucked for her recently, that her dog died two months ago. Aw! Man. Those times when it rains and pours, and in both cases, what it's raining and/or pouring is battery acid? Those are not happy times. Welcome to about two weeks ago. Wait, what was I talking about? More escapism, please!
Anyway, Kaysar says he was surprised that Erika came to discuss her breakup, and then this little segment ends. That was, like, the worst scene ever to start with flirting by the pool! The line between pleasant flirting and heart-ripping misery is a fine one, indeed.
Nakomis and Diane talk about whether they're worried. They agree that they'll keep each other informed. Diane says that she and Nakomis are aligned and trust each other. She also tells Nakomis that all the celebrating by S6 was very stupid, and Nakomis says reassuringly that she doesn't think Kaysar sees either of them as threats.
The Howie-Will business continues as Howie dogs Will for being pale. Will confidently informs us that "pale is the new tan," because of the way it protects your skin and doesn't make you die. He says that being a tan dermatologist would be "hypocritical." Howie goes for a DR joke about Will winning a pale-guy competition, but it...just isn't going to land for him. He's in "I called the jerk store and they're all out of you" territory. He does better with a comment directly to Will that he looks like E.T. looked when he was dying. Now that is a little bit funny. Skinnier, whiter...that claim's not entirely without foundation. Will looks incredibly bedraggled in a DR in which he complains that Howie is only entertaining for five minutes and "should change his name to One-Trick Pony." Howie puts a slice of bread up against Will and claims that you can't see it. Ha. Ha. Ha. Will ignores him, but says in the DR that while two brain cells is usually adequate for most people to function, Howie's two brain cells eventually "start arguing with each other." I've known people like that, unfortunately. One too many brain cells is as bad as one too few. There is more back and forth about pale this, and forehead wrinkles that, and neither of them is getting any particularly good lines in at this point. Things get a little edgier as Will tells Howie that everyone knows he doesn't deserve to be in the game, and an exasperated James says that this is becoming "ugly," and they should go back to just screwing around. He's like that one girl at the party who's always like, "You guuuuys, stop fiiighting!" Will says Howie is apparently getting nervous. "If Howie and I got into a battle of wits, it wouldn't even be fair, because he's unarmed," says Will in the DR, using a joke I think I first heard sometime around the end of Prohibition.
Will has a chat with Mike and Jase. He tells them that they should all offer Kaysar a three-week deal, in which Kaysar would be safe for three weeks, but he'd have to put up what Will calls "floaters." The editing suggests that "floaters" for the purposes of this discussion are George, Erika, and Marcellas. Howie walks up at this point, and Jase scampers off (real convincing!), saying in a voiceover that he's not interested in looking like he's with Mike and Will, really. He doesn't want to be with anyone "hard-core," and that's his "gig right now." You know, I think Erika would agree with me that that's actually a breakup speech guys have used. "I don't want to be with anyone hard-core, baby, that's just my gig right now." To cover himself, Jase runs inside and tells Janelle that the guys in the tub are plotting to make a deal with Kaysar. Janelle interviews that she's pretty sure Jase is with her. Janelle needs to take it out of neutral. Jase keeps running back and forth from one group to another, but Will is enjoying him so much that he suggests that he and Mike are thinking of giving Jase a "Chill Town Cool Kid Club Card." I'm thinking that comes with...absolutely no benefits at all, actually, and very hefty dues. And then Will winks, and the editors add a "ding." It's hard to remember that there actually isn't a "ding" when Will winks, because it kind of feels like there should be. Boy's got a nice wink, I will say that much, and I'm usually anti-wink, to a pathological degree.
Back from commercials, it's time for the first food competition. Will explains to us that there are two teams, which wound up with the S6 people on one side and, as Will puts it, the "cool kids" on the other. What's great is that for Will's purposes, George is a "cool kid." They are all sent into the food room to get pairs of overalls. Janelle says the outfit isn't "Janey-like." Not enough glitter, probably. Marcellas says that Jase looks ready for a porn movie in his overalls. That is not a porn movie I would enjoy, because of Jase or the pastoral setting. Outside, we learn that it's a faked-up barnyard, complete with troughs, fences, corn, and twangy music. Because in case you didn't know, farm people are absolutely hilarious. As Kaysar explains to everyone in his uniquely uninteresting way, there is no more peanut butter and jelly this season. Instead, the punishment food will be what they refer to as "slop." What "slop" is, incidentally, is oatmeal. They all act completely flummoxed, as if they've never seen this before, but...it's oatmeal. It looks exactly like oatmeal. It's not exciting, but there are plenty of people in the world who would be happy to have it. As for the competition, everyone will work in pairs, tied together and not allowed to use their hands. They will search through the slop with their mouths for submerged rubber rats. Each group of three teams of two (Will/Erika-Mike/Diane-George/Jase vs. Janelle-Marcellas/Howie-Danielle-James/Nakomis) has to retrieve twelve rats, and the first group -- half the house -- will get food for the week. So we're bobbing for rats in oatmeal, essentially. Predictably, Danielle is already complaining about the slop, because complaining about the conditions is what she does.
Mike and Diane pair up, and he explains in a DR session that she's one of his potential partners for a "showmance." It's like watching the creepiest old dude at a concert try to hit on one of the girls at the concessions stand. Seriously, it's that bad. James and Nakomis partner up, and he thinks that since the outfits resemble a chain gang, he's good having the girl with the "prison tats." Will and Erika start by getting themselves a couple of rats. Nakomis, on the other hand, mistakes her bandanna for a rat and brings that back in her teeth instead. For the most part, things proceed from there without incident, in spite of the editors' attempts to make it all incredibly loony, and the non-S6 team -- for once -- winds up taking the victory. This means that Will and his friends are eating good, and Janelle, Howie, James, Marcellas, Danielle, and Nakomis are eating slop. Oh, and I should mention the tense moment where Diane finds herself being shoved into the slop face-first by Mike. Come to think of it, that does remind me of certain men I've known, so maybe Mike is on track for his showmance, after all. Fingers crossed! After the fact, Marcellas complains that it was Nakomis's fault they lost. Janelle says that the slop "reminds [her] of prison food." Which she ate when she was convicted of being too darn lovable.
Jase thinks that the slop is going to be way worse than peanut butter and jelly. IT'S OATMEAL. Jesus, people. There's a big scene designed to be like a horror movie, with the big bubbling pot of slop inside, and the scary music, and they have to eat oatmeal and WHAT WILL THEY DO? OH, MY GOD? Marcellas immediately announces that he's not eating, and Danielle says that she won't either until her body tells her she has to. Diane isn't sure eating oatmeal is "sanitary." That will come as a surprise to the people at Quaker. Wilfred Brimley is really mad. Janelle isn't sure how she will survive. I'm at least glad this is giving them all a reality check that peanut butter and jelly was seriously not bad at all, because they were such huge babies about that. Howie says that he's going to become slim now that he won't want to eat anything. Yep. A week ought to do it.
Filler segment: Chicken George wants to be a Jedi. Howie agrees to train him. It is exactly as intelligent as you are thinking. Howie tells George to let go of his hate, which perhaps we should all try to do, although I'm not sure I see it happening for myself. "Howie, that guy's all right, man," George says, insisting that Howie has "a good heart." This segment goes on too long, and I could have lived without the part where Howie talked about Erika's "great rack." I'm not sure how much that has to do with being a Jedi, unless something really unusual happened in the last couple of Star Wars movies I elected not to see.
Up in the HoH room, Kaysar calls Mike and Will up to the room, and they confirm that they expect to be nominated. Kaysar tries to be all mysterious, that he has reasons to do various things -- lots of secret, confidential reasons -- but what he really wants is to get rid of "stragglers." Mike eggs him on that he can't stand it when people go to the end without doing anything, which means -- just as it does for Kaysar and anyone else who makes this complaint -- that those are the people it pisses him off to lose to. Kaysar tells Mike and Will that they don't really need to pitch why he should keep them; he wants to have "an understanding." And the nature of the "understanding" is that if he nominates people he calls "floaters" this week, then Will and Mike will go after "floaters" week. Of course, Will can make as many deals as he wants, because he's never HoH. Has no interest in being HoH. Why would he do that? Just makes people angry. Just makes you pick sides. More trouble than it's worth. Will asks Kaysar whether the rest of his team knows what he's doing and if it's okay with them, and Kaysar preens, "They have to be. I'm HoH." Kaysar has the shortest memory of anyone, ever, about how short your week as HoH really is. One person out, and then you're right back where you were. Showing off feels good now, smarty, but you might want this conversation back someday. Mike DRs that it's a huge mistake for Kaysar not to nominate him and Will, but the deal appears to be done, as they all agree to keep in touch after the summer, and they roast marshmallows, and then Will and Mike leave.
Back from what feels like the longest set of commercials ever in the most commercial-packed episode ever of the most commercial-heavy show ever, we see the TV screen that reads "NOMINATIONS TODAY." Kaysar reminds us that making nominations is one of his "duties." The life of an HoH is very burdensome, you know. The Potential Nominee Roundup begins. Will says in the DR that he would be very disappointed not to be nominated. Mike says that he trusts Kaysar more than any of the other S6 folks, but "who knows" whether he's going up? Diane says that she doesn't think Kaysar has any particular desire to see her go out, but "anything can make you a target." Nakomis says that she's not "seen as a really big threat," and she doesn't stick out compared to all the "big personalities" that are here. Kaysar solemnly spins the key box and says that he wants to "deliver a concussion blow." Quite possibly to himself. George throws in a comment that he will be surprised if he's safe, because he's barely sure which one is Kaysar. Kaysar says that this week was an especially hard time to be HoH, as you knew he would. His week is always extra-important. Kaysar says that he wants to know where people are aligned, and promises us that "their true colors will be exposed."
All the houseguests are called to the dining room table for the "nomination ceremony." I wish we could stop calling it a ceremony. I'm thinking about Vincent Price and the tiki idol. It's taboo! The first key pulled from the box is Howie's. Howie pulls Jase. Then James. Janelle. Marcellas. Erika. Danielle. Mike (Will makes a face here). Will. And...Chicken George. Meaning that Kaysar has made the "power" "move" of putting up Nakomis and Diane. Yeesh. He explains that his reasons are that they're both such great players. "Your reputation precedes you," he tells Nakomis. I like the fact that he speaks in old movie clichés. Diane DRs that she's not happy being nominated to the only person she likes. Kaysar says that nominations are supposed to be "a catalyst for things to come." Well, sure. Why use them to get rid of someone? Just stir the pot! Make people not like you! See if you can get someone really pissed! Great plan! Nakomis tells us that she didn't play well at first, and that she's been playing sloppy. I'm not sure she played sloppy. The first couple of evictions tend to be really, really random. Don't feel bad, crazy-hair!
Mike looks right into the camera in the diary room: "Do I think it was a good idea for Kaysar to nominate two floaters -- NO! He should have nominated me and Will! It was his opportunity!" Not that Kaysar, and many other people, won't have other opportunities to get rid of Will and Mike, neither of whom will win, but I do tend to think that if you're in one tight group, and there's a chance to break apart the most notorious other tight group around which people seem to be grouping themselves, you might...you know, do that, rather than trying to eliminate "floaters" or "find out where people's allegiances are" or make "true colors" emerge or whatever. Just nominate! Vote them out! Get rid of your enemies! They're called enemies for a reason!
Tuesday
We open with clips of Sunday's nomination show. Good times. What a ride.
And then we get...even more clips. Blue and white Rehash-O-Vision of Kaysar nominating Nakomis and Diane. Remember? It happened a page ago or so.
It is now Day 12, and Diane is using her time to note the fact that "being nominated sucks." Marcellas says that he's not happy at all about Kaysar's "lame-ass" decision to pass up the chance to go after Mike and Will and instead target "two girls." Girls! Honestly! What a waste of all that nominating power! Girls never win! Marcellas knows that from his season, which was won by...never mind. Anyway. Janelle says that "Kaysar took the easy way out" because he doesn't want to make Mike and Will his enemies. For his part, however, Will thinks that Kaysar bought some time by putting weaker people up rather than immediately going after him and Mike. Nakomis tells Kaysar that she understands it's not personal, but in the DR, she says that she shouldn't have been perceived as threatening. Kaysar returns to his theme that Nakomis is "stealth." He seems overly fearful of her, to me.
For her part, Diane is not doing as well with being nominated. She's actually crying, and the more Kaysar tries to demand that she not be upset, the more upset she gets. He really, really should leave her alone here, and he's totally failing Room Reading 101 by not just going away and letting her relax, but I'm not sure he's ever won any contests in reading people. Kaysar just hovers around the bedroom, waiting for Diane and Nakomis to tell him that they're not upset with him, and telling them that they have no idea how difficult it is. It's just making Diane cry more. Kaysar says he keeps reminding himself that it's just a game, but that's the part where you don't hover and demand absolution. When he's gone, Diane keeps lamenting to Nakomis how tough it is. Nakomis tells us that being put up to her only real friend in the house is making her particularly unhappy.
But whatever sympathy I have for Diane drains away as she lies on the bed, wailing that she's "not a cutthroat person," and she doesn't belong here with these bad people. In a charmingly random moment, she says that she's not mean or conniving anymore. She used to be, but she's not now. And why? "I killed all my brain cells because I SMOKED TOO MUCH POT!" she hollers. And then she laughs at herself, although I suspect not in the "laugh because I'm only kidding, ha ha" way. Now, she's making Nakomis cry. Maybe Nakomis misses pot. Marcellas sits through this entire scene, just staring at Diane, like he's trying to think of what actress she looks like. Nakomis warily DRs that Diane has a way of making everyone feel sorry for her, which obviously presents an issue in terms of voting. They're friends, but not the kind of friends where you get over your basic "better her than me" instinct.
Mike comes in to try to feel Diane up in her time of need, and he's wearing his "Chill Town" shirt with "Boogie" on the back, so you know that he's bringing out the big guns as far as romance. Mike swears on their "future friendship" that there was no deal between him and Will and Kaysar. The editors helpfully blue-and-white that there was, too. I think Mike sort of thinks he's telling the truth, though, because he does talk about Kaysar's decision to go after "floaters." I suspect his justification for saying there was no deal is that he's pretty sure Kaysar was going to nominate her anyway and was just looking for some free benefits from talking to Will and Mike, which is probably just about accurate. I don't think Mike and Will changed Kaysar's mind by going along with anything. Diane talks to Mike about having to try to get the veto, and how sad that would be if it means that Nakomis went home. Mike gives his Krista Redux DR speech that he never would have met Diane in his normal life (where would he meet reality TV people, after all?), but he's "enjoyed getting to know her." Run, Diane! He's totally going to propose! Do you really want to be Mrs. Boogie?
Will and Mike have a chat in the food room, and Will explains that he was talking so much about being happy to be nominated that he now wonders whether that's why he wasn't nominated. And then Will and Mike do an odious little piece of DR vaudeville in which they pantomime a phone call where Mike tells Will that Kaysar didn't nominate either of them, and they laugh hysterically. As much as I enjoy an animated Will, and as much as I've been lamenting this grumpy, dull Will, that's not as funny as they think it is. Mike informs us that he and Will are strong because they "play with no fear." Except, of course, the fear of aging, which plagues them both to a foreign-substance-injecting, headband-wearing degree.
Filler segment, brought to you by Your Bored-Ass Editors: Janelle and Marcellas name the tarantulas that are apparently the house pets of the season. They decide to name them after people who didn't get into the house, because nothing is as awesome as gloating. They name the hairiest spider Bunky, and the pretty one Lisa. And at the end, they note that Monica is the ugly one, at which point some mysterious editing type superimposes Monica's little head on top of one of the spiders' bodies. That is some boredom on the part of the off-screen staff, people. They're, like, playing garbage-can basketball back there.
Elsewhere, James and Jase lie on their beds and have a mature, stud-to-stud discussion about getting older, turning thirty, and giving up their partying ways. Jase is elaborating on how he lives for his girlfriend and her daughter now, and he misses them, and so forth. The piano music is appropriately mournful, and it dares you to think Jase is less of a lunkhead than you thought he was the first time you saw him on your TV. Apparently, the girlfriend's daughter calls him "Daddy Jase." At least I assume he's talking about the daughter. Jase also says that he's planning on getting married, assuming that he doesn't "blow it right now." Wow. That would be reassuring if I were his girlfriend. It comes off like "I hope to get married soon, assuming I don't accidentally fall on top of any of the women in the house."
A discussion takes place in the hot tub in which Will tells Jase, Erika, and George (along with Mike) that somebody needs to put up two people from S6, and quick. Will DRs that he's just trying to get people to worry about S6 for a while, by planting seeds of doubt that will blossom into full-blown paranoia or something. He's the gardener of your neuroses. They all discuss the fact that S6 is trying to pick up extra people they can throw away later -- Jase says Janelle tried that when they were HoH together, and he claims that it's also the S6 approach to Erika, who tries to look calm. Erika agrees in the DR that she will always be "odd man out" with S6, so she's probably going to have to go in another direction at some point.
Mike makes an effort to feel out where George is, and George makes it sound like he knows he has no choice but to get together with Will and Mike and friends and go after S6. George says in the DR that he had to go with everybody else, since four people came in with a pre-existing alliance. Of course, Will and Mike came in with one, too, but at least there are only two of them. Will closes the hot-tub discussion by saying that they can all agree someone from S6 needs to go as soon as possible. I'm sure that as soon as one of them can win HoH, they'll be happy to put that plan right into effect.
Filler: A long scene in which Howie gets into the shower and later discovers that he has no towel. He can't get help from Kaysar, because Kaysar has headphones on, so Howie has to get out of the shower briefly without any clothes on to fetch a towel. Yes, that is everything that happens, with wacky music playing the entire time. It pretty much all leads up to a shot of naked Howie with his naughty parts obscured. That is qualifying as a highlight, which is how you know you don't need the live feeds.
Kaysar talks to the two nominees, but it's not game. It's just time to talk about everyone's lives, because Kaysar really, truly cares. He asks Diane if she's considering leaving California, and she says that if she gets thrown out of the house soon, she'll have to go home in disgrace, since she has no money. She should marry Mike! She could have money and stay in California! I can't believe she hasn't already thought of this. Maybe she has. Maybe she's working a plan. I guess we'll see! She weeps in the DR that she came on the show because she needed "an outlet," and she's letting her family down by not being strong enough to...stay in the house? I don't know. I don't really get it. If your family doesn't like you because, like, Janelle votes you out, then your family is a bunch of assholes. She says she could maybe go home with her sister, and then she DRs some more about her pathetic day-to-day existence. It would appear that Diane has decided to use Big Brother: All-Stars as a sort of referendum on the value of her existence, which I have to tell you doesn't strikes me as sound idea. Nakomis tells her to just "find [herself] a rich boyfriend," and Diane says something along the lines of, "Yeah, that's kind of my plan." Nakomis is a little taken back, and immediately explains that she wasn't serious. That's embarrassing when that happens, isn't it? "Well, you could always join the circus." "Yeah, I was thinking that." "...Oh."
Nakomis dyes her hair in the living room, turning it sort of fire-engine red and neon yellow. Jase and Mike kind of dig it, at least in a "that's remarkable" kind of way, the same way you might admire an exotic South American frog. Marcellas, of course, misses the point entirely, and thinks that Nakomis is going for "pretty," and, in the DR, declares it to be "a hot mess." He then adds, "It was a courageous choice, but a bad one," proving that Dr. Will is not the only one to be recycling shtick along about now. Did they think we wouldn't remember? They didn't count on the obsessives, now, did they? DID THEY? "I never thought someone would want to dye their head like a deviled egg, but for some reason, that's what she chose," Will comments, more surprised than particularly unkind. And then Howie brings things up to a new level of classy by saying in the DR, "It's not the color of the hair's fault that the face is ugly." Oh, Howie. All the tail you must get with that charming sense of humor of yours.
Nakomis gives an interview in which she says that it's hard to let people get to know her because she's "so incredibly different from everyone." Okay, that's bullshit. Without the hair and the tattoos, she'd be a pretty regular person, based on what I've seen. Which probably explains the hair and the tattoos. She has a lot of trappings of "so incredibly different," but that doesn't always translate into "so incredibly different" in any real sense. She seems to get along with people in a fairly conventional, mostly unremarkable way. In fact, I think that her difficulty in relating to people like Janelle and Marcellas isn't because she's so different. It's because she's so normal, and they're such fucking Hollywood stereotypes. It's not like she's Dave Navarro and they're from Friends. It's like she's Angela Chase and they're from Laguna Beach. Nakomis says that she just wants people to know she's a good person and not to notice the hair, which...if it were true, she wouldn't do the hair, you know? This is all not really bad, because lots of people her age are like this, but she will be more fun when she's not trying so hard to get attention for things and then complain that people pay attention to those things.
Filler: Janelle and Marcellas stop in front of the wall of photos and decide that they'll stand there and cast everyone in a big soap opera. I never thought I'd encounter a contestant bitchier than Marcellas, but here you are. They cast Will as "the evil manipulator," Erika as "the sultry brunette," Diane as "the trashy girl from the south," Howie as "the pervert," Mike as the closeted straight guy, and George as "the janitor." They find this last part particularly hilarious, because taking a regular person and making fun of him for being kind of like someone who might work with his hands for a living is an absolute riot. The interesting thing is that the editors throw in a lot of very funny music and titles to spice up the "castings" and turn the entire thing into a Finished Bit, but if they didn't, it wouldn't be funny...at all. I mean, "the sultry brunette"? The "evil manipulator"? Not really witty, you know?
Now, Janelle has a chat with Howie and James about what a bad job Kaysar did with nominations. As stated previously, no one really makes Princess Janelle happy except unrelenting ass-kissers like Marcellas. Janelle insists that Kaysar made a real deal with Will and Mike, and she and James conclude that Kaysar only made the deal to protect himself, not the rest of them. Which is a lot of unnecessary scrambling, given that they're wrong and don't know what they're talking about. James, for his part, says that if Kaysar did make a deal with Mike and Will, he's a total idiot, because they don't keep deals. He notes that you could have made a similar deal with Nakomis and Diane and actually gotten some safety from it, possibly. James and Janelle eventually conclude that this plan of Kaysar's totally sucks, and Janelle DRs, as only a real friend will, that "Kaysar is being a complete pansy." I can sure see why she thinks of herself as America's Sweetheart. Being her pal would be so much fun! Janelle tells us that if she wins the veto, she "just might have to change one of Kaysar's nominations." Not that she can make him do anything in particular with the open spot, like nominate Will or Mike.
When we come back, it's time to pick three random people to play in the veto competition with Kaysar and the nominees. Diane says that she's hoping for George, because "he sucks." Nakomis says that S6 people are not wanted in the veto, from her perspective, because they are guaranteed not to touch the nominations. Will is the first one picked, and he tells us that he doesn't really care about playing for the veto, because as between the two women, he doesn't care who goes. Erika is , followed by James. Nakomis says that inviting James into the veto competition was not what she wanted. Kaysar chooses George to host the competition, which seems kind of like an act of mercy.
Outside, it turns out that this is a competition playing golf with giant foam golf balls and giant, toy clubs. It's basically Wiffle Golf. Shall we make a long story short, as we do with these three-episode recaps? Erika is head and shoulders above anyone else, and she wins easily. It takes a long time, and there is an enormous amount of unnecessary exposition, but that is the bottom line. Erika = winner. Foam clubs = hard to manipulate. Diane and Nakomis recognize that this development is not good for them. Diane notes in the DR, "I've been praying every day, and it hasn't done shit yet." Heh. Maybe she's swearing and her prayers are being censored. Erika says that she loves having the power, and she's going to be thinking through her options before failing to use it. Oh, sorry. Before deciding whether to use it. Sometimes, I skip ahead.
When we return, Danielle is talking to Diane and Nakomis about how much it sucks to be on the block, since now she's all experienced with it and everything. Diane insists that if Erika were smart, she'd veto one of them and bring the wrath of everyone down on the S6 group, but she knows she won't. I'm not sure why Diane isn't remembering that Erika can't bring it down on the S6 group, because the person making the other nomination would be Kaysar, and he's not going to put up another S6 person. Sometimes I think people genuinely forget that the veto holder can't make the substitute nomination. Nakomis says in the DR that anything's possible, but she doesn't think Erika will use the veto. Nakomis and Diane also agree not to campaign against each other, no matter what. They'll be holding to that for sure!
And then, it's Mike's birthday. Of course, slop-eating folks cannot participate, but the rest of the houseguests get sushi and champagne and cake and so forth. Mike's favorite part is that Erika has written "Happy Birthday" in whipped cream on her thigh, which is the best thing that's ever happened to him, in a "it seems like it should be" kind of way. He also kind of enjoys the part where the S6 alliance, for the most part, can't eat any. Will tells us that Howie wanted the sushi bad, and was suffering over being stuck with slop. And Will would know, because he's seen Howie express lust before. Howie complains that those eating party food were "rubbing it in Jedi Howie's face." (Better than referring to yourself in the third person? Referring to yourself by your Jedi name.) Marcellas, of course, bitches that the people eating were mean because he can almost always find a way in which it turns out that he's better than everyone. He and Janelle agree that they would have turned down the party if it had been given to them, because they wouldn't have wanted other people not to get anything. Which is SUCH bullshit, but you know that.
Janelle talks to Kaysar and Marcellas, and she whines that Mike and Will weren't nominated. Marcellas advocates for Erika using the veto so that one of them can go up, and "the house as a whole" can remove whichever one it is. Marcellas always did love that "the house should move as one against the people who don't particularly like me" theory. He has a sort of United Nations approach to how the house should act, but he always envisions himself as the United States, sort of paying his dues as much as he wants to and coercing others into beating up his enemies. Kaysar isn't crazy about the idea. When James comes in, he says that everybody is out in the hot tub complaining about S6. Nakomis and Diane are upset, because there isn't anything anybody can do until they get them not to be HoH anymore. Diane, ready for another crying fit, gets up and walks away. She tells us in the DR that being in the house is like being with Charles Manson, which...I do not agree with. I think Charles Manson would be kind of hurt by that, too. (That is a sentence I did not anticipate writing this week.)
Kaysar is brought down to the hot tub, mostly at Will's urging. When he gets there, Will tells him that they're all sitting around trying to figure out what to do because they all like Diane and Nakomis and they don't know which one of them to send home. Everyone knows that this is bullshit, but nobody knows what Will is really doing. Kaysar makes a big speech that it's obvious they would never all agree on another person who could go home. "If you're going to imply that someone else should go up," Kaysar says to Will, "then, let's hear it." Kaysar waits a respectable few seconds until no one says anything, and then he chuckles condescendingly, all, "I told you so," and he stands up to leave. This, of course, is Will's cue to volunteer to be put himself up. "I'm serious," he says. "I'm totally cool with it." Kaysar tells Will to stop playing: "I know what you're trying to do." Yes, Kaysar, that's quite brilliant. He's trying to get you to think he wants to go home. Which means either he really wants to go home, in which case the right thing to do is send him home; or he doesn't really want to go home, in which case by not sending him home, he's doing exactly what he's trying to do, which is...not go home. Idiot. Will DRs that his goal here was basically to rally other people against S6, as well as to create dissension within S6, which he very effectively has already done, as you may have noticed. "I didn't get played; I put him in his place," Kaysar proudly tells Janelle, James, and Howie, despite the fact that Kaysar just got played about as much as you can get played. He is just not very bright. Marcellas sees this immediately and is basically like, "You are the biggest moron ever," although he tries to use different words in telling Kaysar that, indeed, he should be trying to get Mike or Will out. "He threw down the gauntlet!" says an indignant Marcellas. And that's why if it were Marcellas, Will probably wouldn't have made that offer. But he was reasonably sure Kaysar wouldn't actually put him up, because it's important to Kaysar not to feel like he did what someone else was trying to get him to do. Will gambled, and he happened to be right, which is how he won the first time, just for the record.
Later, Erika tells us what a hard decision it is deciding whether or not to use the veto. She has the ability to take somebody off the block, but she can't replace anyone, which is why she can't do what Diane was saying before. James tells us that he hopes Erika uses the veto so that Kaysar can put up Mike or Will. Erika opens the ceremony by giving the two nominees a chance to advocate for themselves. Nakomis demurs, as almost all nominees now do. She says that it's a personal decision, and that she and Diane would both like to stay, but that it's Erika's choice. Diane, for her part, says she thinks the game needs to be played each person for herself. She says that she'd like to see the game changed, but that she'll respect whatever Erika does. (Lie!) You can kind of tell she wants to say more, but she's afraid of digging herself in deeper. Erika says that she's given it a lot of thought, but that she ultimately has decided to...not use the veto. Of course, Diane immediately concludes that this is because no one has any spine in the house, and she just regrets that she may not be able to stay and "crush them all." Nakomis says that she's going to play until the end: "Everybody is going to feel really, really bad whenever I completely whomp all of them, just, into the ground." She's right; that doesn't sound good. Marcellas tells us that Diane cries and Nakomis is strong, so he thinks that you'd get rid of Nakomis. But Janelle doesn't like that Diane cries, so she seems to be leaning toward getting rid of Diane. Will says that Kaysar passed up the chance to boot him because he wanted to "save his own hide." I think Will is wrong about that; I think Kaysar passed it up because of pure ego and pride, and because he thought he would look weak if he put up Will when Will was asking to be put up. Oh, Will.
Thursday
Previously: Nakomis and Diane were up. Erika declined to use the veto. Diane had smoked lots of pot. Remember? Diane barely does, I guess.
Julie tells us that Howie is making George a Jedi, Danielle and Marcellas are bonding over slop, and Nakomis and Diane are on the block together. Later: an eviction. But first! One is about to try to stay in the game, or so Julie claims. We return to the rehashing.
Blue-and-white Erika does not use the veto, and Diane talks about the curse of spinelessness. Nakomis says that she wants to win, wants to "grind them into the ground," and so forth. Will tells Howie he's bummed the power of veto wasn't used so he could go up, and Howie leans over and gives Will a big smooch on the face. I am beginning to think that Howie might have some issues in the area of boundaries. What do you think? Will flashes Howie a dubious frown, and Howie starts to coo over what good shape Will is getting into. This is either the stupidest shtick ever, or the lamest attempt ever at wooing a plastic surgeon. And Howie is massaging the back of Will's neck. It's just...it's very odd behavior. In the DR, Will says that he needs a shrink, because he's being "sexually harassed by a big idiot." Ha!
Nakomis lies on the bed and stares up at the ceiling, her yellow and red hair blazing. Diane comes in for some commiserating about how one or the other of them is going home soon. Nakomis starts complaining about people "copping out," and Erika comes to them to say that she's sorry, and to remind them that she had the power only to veto one of them, and didn't have the option to put someone else up. Diane gives Erika the finger after she's gone, but the thing is...it's kind of true. You can't just use the veto because the people who are up aren't the people you'd like to see up, especially when the alternative might well be a nomination you'd like even less. Diane gives a little passive-aggressive speech that Nakomis should campaign to stay in if she wants to -- Diane isn't going to, of course. Diane says that if Nakomis stays, she has to get rid of Janelle. Nakomis counters that she won't be there. Diane insists they don't know that yet. Nakomis whines that no one has any "backbone" in the game. As so often happens, the things other people would have to do to show character are the same as the things they'd have to do to save Diane's ass.
Erika, Mike, and Jase chat by the pool about whom they might vote out. Erika says that she's leaning toward getting rid of Diane. She tells us this is because she doesn't think she's Nakomis's target, really. She also thinks that in an alliance with Nakomis, she could "do some damage." Danielle walks up to the poolside chat and says that she thinks S6 wants to keep Nakomis. Jase lectures for a while about what the nominees are like, but honestly, nobody cares that much as between the two of them. That's the weird dynamic of this week -- nobody really cares whether Diane goes or Nakomis goes.
Later, Janelle and Marcellas take a bath together, and you can just tell that they're delighted to be doing something they think places them so far above everyone. Janelle tells Marcellas he should do whatever is best for her, because her staying in the game is good for him. Yuck. Even Marcellas does not deserve that. Marcellas tries to tell Janelle that the whole "floater" thing is stupid, and that she should think in terms of taking out people who threaten her. He tells us that he wants to go to F2 with Janelle, because it would be so "aesthetically pleasing." He then bitches to Janelle that he always winds up linked to blondes, and it's always his downfall. I think the blondes probably feel the same way, you jerk.
Nakomis pays a visit to Kaysar, Janelle, and James, and she tells them that she trusts them, and she doesn't trust the other group. Meanwhile, Diane is telling Will and his crew how she will, if kept in the house, be with them. So after promising that they wouldn't campaign to stay, they're both...campaigning to stay; they're just aiming their campaigns at different targets. "I want to do some damage," Diane DRs. "I want to be that girl that broke up BB6." She insists to Will, Jase, Mike, and George that they're all in the same boat, and that she's going to stick with them if she isn't booted. Elsewhere, in the HoH room, Kaysar tells Nakomis that he's working on trying to keep her instead of Diane. Nakomis tells us that she seems to have the three existing S6 votes, but it's hard to predict the rest. Kaysar tells her they'll be "busting [their] asses" to keep her in.
We come back to Julie, who takes us to the living room to get going with the live show. Julie notes that George is, for whatever reason, wearing a tin-foil suit, including a tin-foil hat. Julie allows George to blame his appearance on his Jedi training with Howie, and Howie calls George a "great apprentice." Julie asks George what it's like being the oldest person, and George says that he's "having a hard time adapting." For whatever reason, this makes all the houseguests laugh. They are a bunch of cheap dates at this point. Julie addresses Marcellas, who speaks to her in phony, overenunciated, weirdly dulcet tones that are far too obviously mocked up for television. He sounds like he's trying to sound like he's on NPR. Marcellas claims that he hasn't eaten all week because he feared the slop. Asked whether the team that won is being considerate, Marcellas says "somewhat," then congratulates himself for being so "diplomatic." Ironically, I only like Marcellas when he isn't diplomatic. I like him when he comes right out and is like, "You look like a cartoon nun." Or whatever.
Julie asks Diane about how emotional she was about being nominated, and Diane says that she just hasn't been in quite this position before. Don't mind her! She'll be over here crying! Julie then returns to Howie, and she asks him about the discussion he had with Will about Botox. She wonders whether Howie would see Will to "get some work done." Howie implies he will expect a discount, but claims that he would, indeed, go to Will to get his poisonous shots. "There goes my career," Will remarks. Julie looks at the camera and tells the viewers that we will soon discuss Kaysar's morals. Oh, good. That will be lots of fun.
But first! Voting clips. Danielle, Howie, and Mike. Danielle says that Diane is stronger than she seems. Howie says Diane is out to get S6. Mike says that he's attracted to Diane, so that's why he wants to keep her. Oh, and she's more "demure," but she's a "tomcat." Rowr! Feisty girls are hot! Mike calls Nakomis a "chameleon." Mike votes to boot Nakomis, to no one's surprise.
Back from commercials, Julie talks to Kaysar's family and friends and how they feel about his behavior, given his faith and his playing of the game. We watch Kaysar pray, and then he tells us that he wanted to "break down some stereotypes." It's too bad there isn't a stereotype that Muslims are especially interesting, because he'd certainly shatter that one. Then we visit with Kaysar's sister Dalia, who tells us that they're really happy Kaysar is playing the game again. Oof. You don't need religious objections to know better than to be happy about your brother's second trip to this show. Dalia says that Kaysar was the first Muslim to be on "a reality show like this." I'm not sure how many shows "like this" there are, but I'm not inclined to argue with her. She claims that this is a big event for "Arabs around the world." I think a few of them may have some other concerns, but I guess they might be carving out time to watch the show. A representative of the Muslim Public Affairs Council says that she's known Kaysar for a few years now. She explains the daily prayers and the way they're meant to make you more able to be good to others, among other things. So you never do them before nominations, I guess. Or before you are scheduled to get in a big hissing fight.
We watch Mike and Kaysar talk about the difficulty Kaysar has making decisions in the house, given his faith. Surprisingly, Mike brings this up, which is way more sensitivity than I thought he would be able to fake unless he was trying to obtain oral sex. We see some business about Kaysar being the "Muslim Brad Pitt," and his sister explains that there's no dating in her culture, so all the flirting with Erika is as pointless, as was the flirting with Janelle last year. I'm not sure Kaysar and his sister are on the same page with this part. Dalia adds that Kaysar isn't going to be tempted with boobs or booze, because it's not that different from his regular life. The Affairs Council lady is like, "He sees boobs a lot, after all." Which is a good point. Kaysar says the same thing in an interview, essentially. Dalia says that she is nervous about people betraying Kaysar or him betraying others, and that she just wants him to think twice. Presumably about going to hell. I want to just point out that I received an email after this episode titled "Dear Kaysar," which came from someone who apparently grew bored with this segment and indignantly pointed out to me in the email that it is not a tenet of Islam that one "act like a panty liner." I didn't say it! I'm saying I got it in an email. And I pass it along to you. Anyway, the Council lady says that there's no conflict between being Muslim and playing the game. Oh, and that "Iraqis are humans." Man, we are such a suck-ass society when you have to go on fucking Big Brother for that. I like the Council lady, kind of, and I secretly think she thinks Kaysar is admirable but dorky. It's just a guess.
Julie interviews Kaysar in the HoH room, immediately calling him out for the possibility that people will think he's "a wimp" for not putting up Will and Mike. Kaysar insists that you can't always put up "head honchos." The thing is...you can. You exactly can, and that's why the game is unpredictable. Head honchos only become more powerful, which is why I think Kaysar is being dumb. He defends the decision, and he whines that Diane and Nakomis are "under the radar" and so forth. Julie asks him about the part where Will came and, you know, offered to go home. Kaysar chuckles, all "Heh heh," sure that Julie simply doesn't understand how the game is played. Again, it's awesome how he's like, "Oh, that's just Will," implying, "he doesn't really want to go home." Meaning that...you gave him what he wanted. Exactly what he was hoping for. It's too early to congratulate yourself, you know?
Julie asks about how strong the S6 alliance is, and Kaysar says it's "very strong." He insists that his group came to play. Wooo! Can we get a new HoH? One with a little more...oomph?
Julie says that up , we're going to learn about...well, it's incredibly stupid, so let's not get there until we have to. Before we go on, more voting: Will, George, and Erika. Will still doesn't care at all who goes. George says Diane came to him and said she wants to stay. Erika says Diane reminds her of Alison, with whom... Erika isn't obsessed or anything. Will votes to evict Diane.
When we come back, Julie says that Jase and Diane were enemies last time around, but there's some talk that they might be secretly working together this summer. As it turns out, several people are on to this possibility, and the alliance is dubbed "Mr. & Mrs. Smith." What's great is that Danielle refers to this as what she calls the alliance, which is kind of weird, given that one of the clues later will imply that it's also what Jase and Diane call it (if it exists). In other words, Danielle is like, "I gave them this clever name," when it's clear that they gave that name to themselves.
Anyway, Danielle DRs that she's suspicious, because Jase and Diane never talk. She shares this idea with Will, and then she tells us that she knows Jase is obsessed with Brad Pitt -- thus, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, just like the movie. Will, in the DR: "That was the movie where they hooked up, had that baby in Africa, and everyone freaked out when the paparazzi started taking pictures." Hee. Hey, he's allowed to still be funny sometimes. Danielle says that when Diane was throwing the boulder, Jase called out something about Angelina Jolie. This, the show dubs "Exhibit A." We see a lot of clips of people concluding that indeed, Diane and Jase are aligned. Marcellas ultimately confronts Jase, who is so stammering and evasive that he gets labeled "Exhibit B." Heh. Janelle reminds us that they hated each other in their season, so it would be a natural thing for them to do. Exhibit C comes when they ask Jase whom he wants to get rid of, and Jase says Nakomis is a better player. James thinks that Jase has just "confirmed" their alliance. Ultimately, we watch as Diane and Jase chat in a bedroom, and she tells him, "Just pretend like you hate me." In a DR, Jase says that if they think he and Diane are "two secret assassins," they're crazy. "Or are they?" he asks mischievously. So yes, they have an alliance. And yes, it is in trouble.
Julie says that up, we'll see an eviction. But first! Janelle says keeping Nakomis would be cool. Jase says Nakomis is "overrated." He can beat her "physically and mentally." James is voting for himself and Howie. Marcellas thinks that the two girls don't "deserve" to be up. Janelle whines that Diane talks too much about needing money, and says the show is not "a charity case." Janelle votes to evict Diane. Eat the poor! James votes to evict Nakomis.
When we return from commercials, Julie says that we're approaching the live eviction. Now, we must look on in sadness at Nakomis and Diane, because we are about to boot one of them. She returns to the living room, where she reveals that by an 8-2 vote, Nakomis has been evicted. Nakomis wants a hug from Diane, and then she wants to go. But of course, there is obligatory hugging. In an apparent attempt to draw attention to himself, Jase lingers on the couches, not getting up to say goodbye. Nakomis gets her things and leaves the front of the house, and then everyone gathers around, hoping to see her picture go black and white. Diane promises not to keep crying all the time, and she's very worried what America will think of her, in terms of not being strong enough.
Jase stares at the ceiling. That was important.
Finally, Nakomis enters Julie's little studio. Julie asks her about the fact that she played very strongly in her own season, but this year, she seemed a little flat-footed. What was up with that? Nakomis says that people "cliqued up" coming into the house, and that everyone was "afraid of" her. She adds that she came off under the radar only because the radar was, like, Mike. She also says that Kaysar was intimidated by her, although she says that leaving Mike and Will in the house was stupid. Asked why she thinks that didn't happen, she says that rumor had it that Kaysar made a deal with Mike and Will to be lower on their list of S6 targets.
Back in the living room, Julie says that tonight's HoH competition is about remembering details. She says that earlier, they had a chance to see images from the season thus far, and now she's going to show them again. She tells them to watch the screen carefully and pay attention to everything. Basically, it's a montage of different competitions, each ending in a freeze frame. When the montage has been shown, Julie sends them into the backyard, and she tells us that we'll come back shortly to watch the competition.
So now, we are back. Julie reminds us of the power of the HoH, and says that now, it's time to pick a new one. Kaysar, of course, cannot compete. Basically, Julie asks a series of questions about the pictures they were just watching, and they'll have a choice between two answers. Answer wrong; get booted. Last one standing is HoH.
The questions that Julie asks vary from ones where you might have had a chance ("What did the sign behind so-and-so say?") to ones that are pure guessing ("As this person fell off the pedestal, which foot came off first?"). The last two standing at the end are Danielle and James. They wind up getting a tiebreaker question, which is how many seconds it took Janelle to win the dumpster-diving thing. They both go over, but James goes over by a smaller amount, so James is HoH. I'm actually kind of impressed by the fact that their answers are relatively close to each other (421 and 480) and not that far off from the answer (379), because people are notoriously awful at estimating time. But anyway, this makes James HoH, meaning that the same group of four people is going to be in charge for the third week in a row. So far, this season leaves something to be desired, excitement-wise.
When we come back for our last segment of the episode, James is raking in the congratulations for being HoH. Whom will he nominate? What will happen? You'll have to tune in for one of the many, many upcoming times this show will be on to find out.