Tuesday
Danielle and Alison are on the block, and they're both scrambling in their own special ways. In other news, Chicken George is keeping the house awake with his truly impressive snoring, but he's having a lot of trouble finding his way around the house. A very lame veto competition ends well for Janelle, and she begins the very non-suspenseful process of deciding whether to change the nominations she already made. To no one's surprise, she doesn't, so Danielle and Alison remain up, and one of them will soon go home. Oh, and Howie is in love with Evil Doctor Will.
Thursday
Alison and Danielle are up on the block, and most of the very few people who really care which of them leaves seem to be committed to getting rid of Alison. During a live show in which Will appears to be actually embarrassed for the first time that I have ever seen, Julie Chen hassles the houseguests about various things and tries to make trouble, but Alison has too many enemies for this to be very close. After Alison is evicted 8-2, Erika embarrasses herself by crying over the fact that she felt the need to get revenge, while Danielle apparently vows to avenge Alison, which comes as something of a surprise. The HoH competition is perhaps one of the dumbest ever, in which people try to guess what Alison said to a bunch of preposterous true-false questions. Kaysar wins, which means it's going to be a big week for self-conscious displays of integrity. I don't know about you, but I can't wait.
Tuesday
You know, what I love about Big Brother (that's how I've decided all recaps must begin, the better to maintain my cheery disposition) is that it's on so often and they have so much time to fill that by the time they're finished telling you what's going to happen, showing it, showing you that it happened, and then showing you that it happened some more, you have it imprinted on your brain as if you are a small duck and it's the remote-control car you have chosen as your mama. Thus, it and you can never be separated. That is what I love about Big Brother. This week, we revisit the great moment when "the best of the best," such as Howie and Chicken George, were invited into the All-Star [sic-sic] house to tangle with each other. Jase and Janelle became the two HoHs, and everyone envied their monogrammed robes of many colors and plotted to sell them and tell the producers they were eaten by a wild animal.
It strikes me that the show's producers made a very interesting decision in choosing opening shots of all these people in which they're happily smiling. I envision some intern who misbehaved last week being assigned to scour the footage for a picture of Mike smiling non-creepily. And I envision her being up very late.
Rehash-O-Vision reminds us that Alison and Danielle were nominated at the end of the last show. I am reminded of the way that they make contestants on this show say the most dumb-ass things, like "that concludes the first nomination ceremony." I'm really surprised that they don't make someone snuff out a candle.
We snap to color as Alison DRs over a hug between herself and Janelle: "I will inflict pure misery on Janelle in this house." So you see, it's irony. They're hugging, but Alison doesn't mean it. Unlike Janelle, who is getting the Shirley Temple edit and will never be shown doing anything other than grinning adorably. Her hugs are real, but she is not. Alison is sporting a sort of Emma Peel look in her DR session, including a sleek, zipped-up sweater and surprisingly sophisticated, upswept hair. Marcellas is a stylist -- I'm thinking her diversion into this look is why he will later hesitate to evict her. She's the only person that I can honestly say I've ever seen looking jarringly elegant. Back at the end of the ceremony, James instructs Danielle that she has to hug people now. She's like, "Whatever," and she hugs him. Heh. I enjoy seeing people admit that the hugging taking place at a moment like this is just You're Supposed To hugging, as opposed to actual hugging, where there are feelings. Hugging with feelings is how you get yourself in trouble. (And how!) Danielle informs us that she was never nominated during her season. If I were Danielle, I would find this kind of embarrassing, in that she managed to avoid nomination every single week, but managed to still make everyone hate her so much that she got like one vote for the win. I'm not sure being the poster girl for "they didn't nominate me, but man, they hated me" is as much a badge of honor as Danielle does. But she's still driving it home, tightly muttering to everyone, "Always a first for everyone." Don't live in the past, Danielle.
Janelle's voice is really squeaky, y'all. But anyway. She tells us that the reason Alison and Danielle were nominated is that they were trying to convince Jase to disagree with what Janelle refers to as "my nominations," in which case Jase and Janelle would have gone up. As explained last week, I'm not sure at all that that's what Danielle set out to do; I think that she may have just not gotten the response she was anticipating. For his part, Jase just says that it didn't make sense to go after easier people when he had the chance to take out a huge player. As Alison and Danielle compare notes on the way back to their bedroom, Alison says, "Girl, I don't want to be up there with you." Alison, indeed, says in the DR that she digs Danielle, and that she isn't happy that they're the two who are up. Danielle is off to her usual "I am awesome, and I will tell you all about it frequently" start when she says, "When people label you as one of the smartest players..." and Alison finishes, "You are screwed." "I'm screwed," Danielle agrees. "There's nothing I can do." Well, you could have kept your mouth shut, I guess, instead of "stirring the pot," but that would draw less attention to you than the way you did it, and I have a feeling you would not tolerate that. In the DR, Danielle tells us that people say she's the smartest person to ever not win the game (Little-Known Fact: Stephen Hawking won Big Brother: Schrodinger's Cat), and she blames that fact for her nomination. I'm not sure if she gets that she's on the block more because of her own stupid move than because of her reputation. Not that "I am in trouble because I suffer from a surplus of greatness" isn't pretty much the most common self-diagnosis of troubled reality-show contestants. And then Danielle says again -- this is three times that we know about -- that she's never been nominated before. Alison opens her eyes in wide-eyed wonder. But Danielle assures Alison that her mind is...well, it's making futile clicking noises like a car that won't start, according to Danielle's gesture and accompanying mouth noises. I'm not sure what powerful engine Danielle thinks makes those sorts of clicking sounds. Danielle says that she's going to shut up and let Alison "sink herself." Just about the first smart thing I've heard her say all season.
Alison tells Danielle that she wants to confront Jase and Janelle, so the two of them head upstairs, where Janelle is primping in the bathroom. The two nominees have a chat with the two HoHs, and Alison asks for "the scoop." Jase says that their intent originally was to put up Chicken George, and then they started to hear all this stuff about how Danielle and Alison were playing so hard-core to get them up on the block. They replay the clip of Danielle raising the issue with George and Alison of what happens if Jase disagrees, and it's still not clear whether she was cautioning that this might happen or proposing that it be made to happen. When confronted about whether she "went to everyone" and asked what would happen if this occurs, Danielle smugly says, "No, no, no...I went to Alison." Well, and George. Did you forget that, Danielle? And really, what difference does it make if you're the one who spreads it, if you're the one who started it? "Oh, I only told one blabbermouth schemer how we could all get rid of you; that doesn't count." Alison, for her part, says that she only told Mike and James -- omitting the fact that Diane was lying there at the time, although I'm not sure if she remembers that Diane was lying there, since Diane didn't apparently say anything. Plus, Alison was doing bicep curls at the time, so who remembers? It's hard to simultaneously perform acts of both information storage and flexing.
Alison leaves the HoH room, and Danielle takes the opportunity to tell Jase and Janelle that it was all Alison's doing. She says, "What I do is, I throw out a scenario to see where people are aligned with. Who are they going after?" I might point out that this may be what Danielle does now, but it's the opposite of what she did in her season. In her season, Danielle really did lay back for most of the time -- eyes open, mouth shut, remember? That's why she wasn't nominated. This isn't so much "what I do," in other words, as it is "what I think my post-show reputation would suggest I would do." And then Janelle does my least favorite thing, which is get all Book Of Virtues about Big Brother strategy: "How awful for her to push for Jase! To do that!" That's not awful. That was a reasonably good idea, actually, and it's not as if she tried to do it behind Jase's back. Furthermore, she admitted to Jase that she probably wouldn't want to do it if she were in his position. I don't think that was even arguably "awful." It was a strategy, and it had a decent chance of working, and Alison was right to propose it, but Jase was right not to go for it. Nobody was "awful," Janelle, just because the person she was trying to get voted out happened to be you.
Once Danielle is gone, Jase and Janelle discuss the fact that it was a wee bit transparent for Danielle to wait for Alison to be gone and then throw the whole thing on Alison's head. In the DR, Danielle says that she loves Alison, however, "Nothing personal. Strictly business. It's a game." There seriously needs to be a Danielle drinking game, and I think she just wrote the rules. Every time she says "nothing personal," "strictly business," or "it's a game," you have to drink the most arrogant drink you can think of. I'll let you decide just what that might be. Danielle and Alison have a chat in the hammock, in which Danielle assures Alison that she (Danielle) is the target. Alison DRs that she's got to be nice in spite of being nominated if she wants a chance at saving herself. She goes to visit the HoHs, too, and Alison quite correctly freaks out when it is suggested that she was the mastermind behind the discussion of the Disagreement Plan. As far as I know, Alison tells the story to Jase and Janelle completely accurately, except that as I've said, I think Alison might have misunderstood a caution ("I'm worried that...") as a suggestion ("We ought to..."). The irony is that Danielle and Alison both relish their reputations as schemers, but in this case, they...actually both think they're telling the truth, at least sort of. Janelle denies, meanwhile, that she has an alliance with Kaysar, Howie, and James, which is incredibly stupid and a waste of everyone's time. "God, I feel like a sucker, because I did [Danielle's] dirty work," Alison says. And I think that Alison is...mostly being straight, in this conversation. Interesting.
And now, perhaps the most amusing storyline of the week. Sexy tango music takes us into the gym, where Will is walking on the treadmill with Howie nearby, staring at him. Howie makes some comment about Will's body and "six-pack-istan," and when he's gone, Will mutters, "Something's wrong with that kid." Heh. I have often thought the same thing about Howie. Although...I've also thought it about Will. And especially Mike. And with Mike, you can see it in the headband. Later, Nakomis and Alison sit outside with Will and Howie, and Will turns to Howie and says, "You're obsessed with me." Howie goes on to explain how he put Will on a pedestal for being so ripped and awesome and groovy. Howie tells Will that Will is his Elvis, basically. In the DR, a bed-headed Will in a V-neck sweater looks mischievously into the camera and says, "Howie and I have one thing in common." And then his face breaks into a wide grin, and he says, "We're both attracted to me!" And basically, whether you love or hate Will has a lot to do with your reaction to that line. If you believe Will said that because he really is attracted to himself (either straightforwardly or double-ironically), then you'll hate him. If you believe he said it because it struck him as a funny thing to say, then you'll love him. Back outside, Will looks at Howie from under a pair of shades: "This is a very enlightening relationship for me as well." He pauses. "Because I've never had a retarded friend." That was a terrible thing to say, but also very funny. Sorry. And then Howie asks Will whether he farted. Will is in bed later when Howie comes and lays his head down on Will's bare chest. Howie comments on how soft Will is, and Will says, "Yeah, and I smell good." Howie DRs that if Will were a woman, he'd be attracted to the hair and "piercing brown eyes." And then Howie hops in the shower with Will. Howie certainly is going overboard on the "so amorous I must be kidding, right, guys?" approach to flirting with people who scare you. "I am locked in a house with Howie," Will says, "and he's stalking me."
Will also asks Howie about strategy, but they don't get very far, mostly because Howie is Howie, and he's less interested in strategy than in comparing chests and discussing Jedi trivia. Will explains in the DR that he refers to the S6 people as "Sea-Sick," and he's hoping to "ride [Howie] like Seabiscuit" right into the middle of it. I have about as much fondness for nicknaming other people's friends as I have for nicknaming your own friends, so, seriously: shut up, Will.
Janelle is eating again, some more, as she and Jase meaninglessly chat about Alison, who disappears into the HoH room and peeks on the spy screen. She watches the HoHs for a while, mutters, "I guess it's time for me to go play stupid," and leaves. She DRs that she blames Janelle for being nominated, and adds, "I fucking hate her." Downstairs, when Jase and Janelle are gone, Alison putters in the kitchen while Janelle relaxes outside. "Bitch," Alison mutters. "She's lucky this week. If I survive, your ass is mine...Busto." I certainly hope Janelle was prepared for that one to come back on her, because...it only makes sense.
It is around here that I start to realize what the saddest thing is about this season, which is that you're never going to know the vast majority of what causes shit between these people. You probably know that reality-show contestants -- especially, but not exclusively, CBS reality-show contestants -- are a horrifyingly incestuous group, and I guarantee you that in many cases, this house is not their first experience with each other, and it's certainly not their first experience knowing about each other. They date people who know each other, they go to Survivor people's birthday parties and barbecues, and they go to the same charity dog-washing events. I'm not saying there aren't ones who aren't joiners, because there are. But there are, I promise you, a bazillion dynamics floating around the house that have absolutely nothing to do with anything you're ever going to see. For example (not because I have any evidence; I'm saying for example), there could easily be lots of reasons Alison doesn't like Janelle that have more to do with some bar where somebody said something about somebody's friend than with who's aligned with who. I'm not saying those women specifically, I'm saying generally. These are not clean slates, even accounting for the people who played in the same season. They're connected through all that dumb Fishbowl bullshit, and Bravo reunions, and all the cross-seasonal dating and so forth, and it's just a big old hole where the explanation of why lots of them really hate or like each other should be. It's the very fact that you can believe you're watching relationships form and you know what the ingredients are that usually makes it interesting. This way, it's...weirdly unsatisfying.
After the commercials, a segment is shown that has no purpose except to show that George doesn't know where the diary room is, and that someone still knows where in the synthesizer library to find the beat from the "we be jammin'" version of "Lean On Me." Jase says that George is probably looking in the refrigerator for the veto. Heh. Poor George. He does indeed seem a trifle disoriented, and it's sad to see that this translates into actual, physical disorientation. He needs a compass.
Howie, James, and Janelle have a quick and whispered conversation in which Howie says that they need to try to keep the target off themselves and keep it from looking like they're all working together. Talk about an exercise in futility. Oh, and: remember he said that when we get close to the end of the episode. Janelle interviews again that Danielle and Alison were "rallying the whole house against [her]." She continues to have some shock and amazement over this, as if she cannot imagine how anyone could not like her, when everyone knows she's the most well-liked person ever. Ever! She says that this made her realize "that the BB6 players have to stick together." In other words, "Being in a four-person identifiable group made me a target, which drove home the fact that I need to make that group a lot more conspicuous." James tells Howie and Janelle to just barge in and stop conversations among other people, and Howie DRs that they all have "a price on [their] head."
Outside, Nakomis and Danielle have a conversation in which Nakomis says that unless people break it up, they're all going to get stomped by the Season 6 people. For his part, Mike tells Nakomis in another discussion that it's okay with him if Season 6 thinks they're running the show, which they clearly do. Later, Will chats up Danielle about his concerns regarding the four-person S6 group. Danielle DRs that they "need to be dealt with immediately." So now it seems like she did want Janelle out, in which case why did she tell Alison that they should tell Janelle? Again, Danielle makes no sense. She insists in the DR that "it makes perfect sense that Jase should have disagreed." Which is fine, unless you're Jase. If that had been Danielle, she would not have put herself on the block, and rightly so. "How do you break that team up?" Diane asks Will and Danielle. Nice nerd glasses, Diane.
Marcellas, whom I had almost forgotten (it felt great!), walks in to talk to Erika and Janelle. Janelle asks him how he feels about Alison leaving, and he and Erika agree that they want to get rid of their adversaries from their prior seasons, because of course, there's no better reason for a vote now than your grievances from three or four years ago. If you ever question whether people are or are not good at keeping in mind that they are playing a game akin to chess, rather than engaging in an actual personal situation akin to building your own society from scratch, this should help. Marcellas insists that he can't vote to keep Danielle in the house, and Erika has the same thing to say about Alison. They do agree that Danielle is terrible at competitions, while Alison is good at them. He tells us that he's been "vacillating" about what to do. Marcellas says that Danielle's jugular is exposed and "it is too juicy" for him to let go. Pretty violent metaphor for a guy who specializes in making sure other guys get needed facials.
When we return, Chicken George is snoring one of those extraordinary snores that you sort of stop being able to find funny after you learn that he probably stops breathing hundreds of times every night, especially since he seems to do this even while lying on his side. People come in the room and stare at him. "George snores," Will explains, "like a four hundred pound baby hippopotamus." Danielle refers to it as "calling the hogs." (Hogs: "We'll just...stay over here, thanks.") Will adds that if George is trying to strategically drive him from the house by snoring, it's going pretty well.
The morning, Will seems to be taking the last night of bad sleep particularly hard. When George emerges, bleary-eyed, Will asks him, "How'd you sleep, buddy?" "Dude, I didn't sleep good at all," George says, and Will busts into hysterical laughter: "Me neither!" Everyone laughs. That was a wonderful comic event, because in the entire room, the tension just built, and as George emerged, it was bubbling and bubbling, and when he said "I didn't sleep good at all," it just broke open. Those are good moments.
In the backyard, the House decides that what it really needs is a slip-and-slide. This really excites Will. Kaysar says that they slicked it up with oil, shaving cream, dishwashing liquid, and apparently whatever else they could find. It's always dangerous when the uninitiated start improvising lubricants. Will takes a good slide, and then Howie heads down wearing a trash bag as a dress. I...don't know. Howie proclaims that it's "awesome," and both Jase and Kaysar take good rides. In fact, Kaysar does such a good job sliding that he slides himself right into the wall. For some unknown reason, it is decided that George is going to lie on top of Howie, and the two of them will then be flung down the slide. Howie lies on his back, and George lies down on top of him. Will somberly questions us in the DR: "When was the last time you saw a grown man straddle a grown man and have four people throw him down a slip-and-slide? You've probably never seen that." Right on, baby. At this point, Marcellas pokes his head out the door and looks with horror at the spectacle, as if he is seeing butterflies sautéed. He takes his turn with the DR commentary: "The very idea of George mounting Howie almost made me straight," he giggles in his white fluffy robe. Oh, this is Marcellas at his best. I so wish it weren't usually accompanied by Marcellas at his worst. Maybe this season, it won't be. Maybe he can just be bitchy and not so mean or self-important. I am not optimistic. George and Howie wipe out pretty quickly, and unfortunately for mankind, another great idea ends in disaster. You know, some people see two men who are slipping down a slip-and-slide together and ask why; I see two men who have not slipped down a slip-and-slide together -- James and Will, for instance -- and ask why not.
Jase and Janelle call everyone to the living room to announce the veto competition. Big explanation, blah blah. This year, six people will compete -- this week, it's the two HoHs, the nominees, and two others. But this season, the other players are picked at random, not hand-selected by the HoH and nominees. The random selection process, of course, is just another opportunity for filler and silly props, as you will see. Jase manages to work a "holla" into this, which is regrettable, as "holla" usually is. In the DR, Alison insists that she doesn't "mess around when it comes to the veto." That much is probably true. "I will murder someone to get that veto," she says. Danielle also says she needs to win the veto. Seems to be a popular assumption.
When we come back, it's time for the veto competition. First, we have to do the random draw of other people who are going to compete. This is not interesting. Alison says that she wanted George to compete, because she didn't think he would stand in her way. Danielle didn't want Marcellas. Alison spins and the wheel lands on Kaysar. Danielle spins and it lands on George. Jase tells us he thinks it's fine to have Kaysar win it, because he and Janelle are part of the same group, so he wouldn't disturb anything. George is not very happy about having to compete. I'm not sure he's looking to participate in a lot of high-profile competitions not involving the answering of trivia questions. Will suggests perhaps it's a snoring competition. Janelle, for her part, thinks George is a "wild card," so she's not sure about him.
Jase and Janelle have selected Mike to be the host. Bleh. All that means is that Mike is going to talk. I don't exactly seek opportunities to see Mike talk, if you know what I'm saying. Alison is optimistic about her chances, because neither Kaysar nor George has a great track record with competitions. Alison promises us that she will "slaughter" Janelle in the veto competition. "She's a cocktail waitress," Alison says dismissively. Alison, on the other hand, is a professional reality-show contestant, so she is planning to exploit her natural evolutionary advantage. Danielle says she won't go out without a fight.
And now, the competition. Mike is his usual "Boogie" incarnation. He's all the rage among...well, really, among thirty-five-year-old dudes who want to feel like fifteen-year-old dudes. They never realize that real fifteen-year-old dudes hate those thirty-five-year-old dudes much more than they hate sixty-five-year-old dudes. Mike begins his announcing duties by telling everyone to put on their swimsuits for a "diving competition." Danielle says that she wasn't happy about this, because she hates the water. "I don't like wet water, period," she says. So her desire to fight is perhaps slightly less intense than her desire to stay dry. But when they get outside, it turns out that the backyard is the "Big Brother Dump" -- a yard full of props and other crap from past seasons. The diving is dumpster-diving. What I find most disturbing about this is that it means that up until now, they have been saving -- saving -- all the props and contest paraphernalia and big plastic this and garish rubber that for six seasons, and somewhere, there's a garage where they keep it. It's not like they could have donated it to charity or anything, unless some impoverished child wants to play with a giant cereal bowl, but somehow, keeping it around just drives home the weirdness of this entire situation.
Anyway, in the contest, each person has to run around the yard and dig for a veto symbol in all the junk, and then has to run them back to their dumpster. So it's pretty much luck, a matter of finding needles in haystacks, just like I hate in other contexts. I hate this kind of competition.
And what do I hate more than needles in haystacks? Gross things. So what do we get? A bunch of gross things in buckets poured onto the contestants for no apparent reason other than that they assume that it's not interesting enough if you're just running around looking for stuff among other stuff. I'm sorry, but watching people have peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches poured over them isn't interesting, and neither is fake hair, although that one looks disgusting, certainly. It's hard to tell when they pour fake hair over Janelle, of course. Carrying coals to Newcastle, and so forth. Alison is right with me, thinking that she got hit with "all of Janelle's hair from last year." Oh, and when they pour the big bucket of crap at the end, Janelle delicately holds cardboard over herself, because, as this season is making clear, she is unfortunately no fun at all unless she's throwing boozy insults at people. Get her some drinks, and get her tongue flapping, and I'm sure that she and I will be just fine.
As with Survivor challenges, there's not that much to see here. They all run around, and Janelle happens to find the vetoes the fastest, so she wins the veto, meaning that the remainder of the episode is filler by definition, because HoHs generally aren't going to change their nominations. I hate the veto. I liked it so much better when the nominations were what they were, and they didn't change. The veto -- especially when only six people are playing -- makes the HoHs much less powerful, unless they win the veto, in which case they oddly seem too powerful. I always really liked the quality of this game that you couldn't just sit there like in Survivor and let your alliance pick everyone off. The veto makes it much easier to just rest on the laurels of your majority, rather than genuinely having to readjust every week. The only thing that's interesting about the competition, really, is that Will soon takes over the announcing, because Mike is boring, and Will is funny, and all the houseguests know it. I wonder if Mike minds when that happens. I guess if he did, he and Will wouldn't be friends, because I'm thinking that upstaging thing happens a lot.
Jase says that he let Janelle win the veto, because it put her on the hot seat more than him. Which makes sense. Alison is "mad" about Janelle winning. That's a substantial understatement, I'm thinking. "I won the first HoH and I won the first power of veto!" Janelle brags cheerfully, forgetting that she didn't so much "win" the first HoH as she was handed the first HoH, considering that an inflatable doll pinned to her spot on the pedestal would also have won HoH. And then, she looks into the camera, she holds up her veto medal, she cocks her head, she grins in a way she thinks is adorable, and she giggles, "Nn-huh!" And in my living room, this was where I said out loud, "Oh, I haaaaaate you!" And I liked her last year. But this is so gross. This is the result of having too many people tell you how great you are, which is what has drained many of these people of whatever charm they ever had. She's right out of Clueless or especially Mean Girls right here, and not in the good way. "I won! Nn-huh!" It is seriously so gross. Seriously, go to CBS.com, pull this episode up, and watch this moment, which is right around the 46th minute. It is reeeee-volting. It took me right back to watching cheerleaders.
Anyway, Danielle just hopes somebody is going to save her from the block. Oh, won't someone save Danielle? I think that if someone does, she's going to consider that to mean that she's still never been nominated. You know, if she's taken off before the vote. I'm just sure she'd say that somehow rescued her perfect record.
What follows is a rather silly ten minutes of show where there's a lot of talk about whether Janelle is going to change the nominations, when Janelle made them in the first place, so...why? It's the most pointless part of a show that has a lot of pointless parts. There is a little enjoyment in watching Danielle say again that she really laments that people think she's so incredibly brilliant. It's hard being the greatest, you know? There is pointless misdirection in the DR about the HoHs considering changing the nominations, and there's a sad little attempt involving Will dropping in for a minute or so and potentially drawing attention to himself. Will interviews, interestingly, that much like Danielle said she was, he's there to "stir up the pot." The difference is that he actually seems to be able to do it without getting nominated. As Jase interviews, you expect Will to throw shit out, because Will has a reputation for throwing shit out. Danielle, on the other hand, has -- partly because she feeds -- a reputation for being incredibly tricky. It may be that Will has managed to make people so convinced that he's always full of shit that he can do whatever he wants, because they never believe any of it. It's probably not a winning strategy, but it might be the best one that was available to him, given his very high profile. Anyway, James sits down with Janelle, and there's a minor moment about putting up Will, but it's fairly clearly going to go nowhere.
Veto ceremony. Janelle has chosen...NOT to change the nominations. There's a shocker. !
Thursday
The episode starts off with a reminder of everything I just told you, so we can dispense with that. Whew!
Julie says the thing about "the best of the best" again, so I guess that joke is just about extinguished, huh? She reminds us of the premise of the show, in case we had forgotten, and then she says that there's a "cat fight" between Janelle and Alison in which "the claws are out," and there's a "curious relationship" between Will and Howie. And, of course, Danielle and Alison are fighting to stay in. Julie says that the "live eviction" is coming up.
But first! Hee hee. As it turns out, Danielle and Alison took two different paths to trying to stay in. We watch blue-and-white Janelle fail to use the veto, and then we go directly to Alison saying that it wasn't surprising that Janelle didn't use it, since S6 is so threatened by her, and they're right to be. "I am the most vengeful bitch in this house," she says, and adds that if she escapes eviction, she'll "come back tenfold." Yeah, that's what you want to stress when you're trying to not get booted. Danielle, on the other hand, says that she's still playing, but she's trying to play "as clean as possible," whatever that means. It doesn't mean she's giving up, though. She has a meeting with Chicken George in the food room, and says that she needs his vote. "If you were in the same predicament, I'd give you my vote," she says. Right. Of course she would. George is very hesitant to commit, but ultimately, he says that he likes her, and then he says, "All right," and he asks her to please remember that he did this.
Outside, Nakomis and Alison talk, and Nakomis says that she doesn't even know what the status of all the scheming is. She'd like to work with Alison and Diane, as Alison suggests, "but, like, real quiet." Alison agrees, because there's nothing she does better than "real quiet." Nakomis says that the entire game is apparently going to be "very shady."
Upstairs in the HoH room, Danielle is reassuring Janelle that she's not going after the S6 group. Janelle says that she believes it. Danielle DRs that she's trying to be quieter this time around, because "everyone knows [she's] smart." I could use a little less conversation and a little more action on the front of Danielle being really smart. She also says, though, that she's going to be "very raw and real." In other words, "nasty, in a way I will try to pass off as -- you guessed it -- a symptom of my greatness." Janelle promises Danielle that on her side are Kaysar, James, Howie, and Erika. "Do I have Marcellas?" Danielle wonders. Janelle says that she's not sure. Danielle says that Chicken George shook on it with her that he'd give her his vote. She also thinks that Will and Mike will vote with her. Or, more to the point, against Alison.
Outside, Jase chats with Will and Mike. Will asks whom Jase wants to vote out, and Jase claims not to be sure. Will says that Alison is disliked, while Danielle is liked, and that if they kept Alison, she could "fight Janelle for [them]." Mike, wearing the "2 Hype" visor from his fake-boy-band days, tells us that if Alison stays, there will be major cat fighting between Alison and Janelle. Which would be called, if they were boys, "an epic battle," but because they are girls, will be called a "cat fight." Mike does this complete with cat noises. There's something about Mike that just encapsulates the sadness and soul-suckingness of the ex-reality-"star" culture.
Jase passes Alison somewhere in the house, and he tells her that she has votes from Diane, Nakomis, Will, and Mike. You'll notice that leaves her one short of the tie. Jase says that they're trying to save her and he'll talk to her later. Alison then goes and talks to Diane, and they discuss the matter of Marcellas, who Diane is just sure will not vote to keep Danielle. Diane thinks that in particular, if Alison can get to five votes, Marcellas will be the sixth and vote Danielle out. That seems like a decent analysis of Marcellas's personality -- he'd love to be the one responsible for being the decisive vote. So Alison wants to get James and/or George. Diane warns Alison that once it looks like it's going to swing one way, people will vote with the majority.
Alison sits down with James and asks for his vote. He asks her what she thinks is going to happen, and she gives him the rundown as she currently understands it, as far as votes. Alison tells James that there are three votes she's never going to get, because they're the three people she's going after herself. They are Howie, Kaysar, and Erika. James DRs that apparently, Alison is convinced that he's not allied with S6, because she opened right up that she was gunning for Howie and Kaysar. Of course, he says "Janelle and Kaysar," so I'm not sure he was listening, but he does wind up by saying that he thinks she's not as bright as he thought, so maybe he was listening. He says that he's making sure she goes home this week. They leave it with her saying, "Let me know."
James pays a visit to Mike, in which he says that Alison lies, and she's willing to do anything. "Alison is too dangerous," he says. James whispers to Mike that Danielle has vowed that the S6 folk have nothing to fear from her. But Mike DRs that the more the S6 group wants to keep Danielle, the more he's "skeptical" about her. The boys agree to talk tomorrow, and Alison, who has been listening at the door, wanders off to bed. She's a slippery one.
Danielle complains to Nakomis that nobody has come to ask her where she stands. Nakomis says that nobody has asked her either. Danielle really wishes that people wouldn't keep "making assumptions" about her. She says that she is, tragically and forever, haunted by -- wait for it -- her own awesomeness. Everyone knows "Danielle from Big Brother 3," and that's all they can think about. She has Lex's Disease, also known as Too Awesome To Win. "It's a completely hard pill to swallow," she complains. In the DR, Danielle says that people said really mean things about her after she said all those mean things about everyone in her diary-room sessions, and she gets all weepy telling us how hard it was for her. We get the extended dance mix of how Danielle wasn't there to make friends, she was there to win the money for her faaaaamily, blah blah blah. It's all about the family, you know. She returns to her discussion of how she's essentially slaving away in a coal mine to put food on the table, and no one understands why she would "risk so much." I'm sorry, but risk...what, exactly? What did you risk? If it was a job, I don't feel bad for you, because quitting your job to go on TV is not how you feed your family. If it's something else, you'd have to tell me what, because going on a month-long vacation followed by a press junket is not my idea of "risking so much." And if it was so damn hard, you shouldn't have done it, you know, the second time. I hardly think they sent a van to retrieve you.
Marcellas and Janelle are joined by Erika in the HoH room. Janelle asks whether Erika intends to vote out Alison, and Erika says that it makes her too nervous having Alison in the house. Marcellas says that he cannot vote to keep Danielle. "She is my Alison," Marcellas says. Janelle insists that keeping Alison is more dangerous, because she might team up with Will and Mike. Unlike Danielle? Is she assuming Danielle wouldn't do that? Marcellas DRs that he would like to have both of them leave. "How do you choose between gonorrhea and the clap?" he asks. Er, they're the same thing, dude. Nice shot at that joke, but take one more class in Know Your STDs before you bust that out.
Julie Chen takes us to the living room to say hello to all the houseguests. She compliments Howie on his shirt that says "THANKS JULIE." He says his sister made it for him. Julie confronts Howie about his little crush on Will. It absolutely shocks me, but Will is totally embarrassed by this. He actually puts his head in his hand and suffers. Asked "what gives," Howie goes on about how awesome Will is, "best-looking guy" and so forth. Then Howie says that Will showed up kind of pale and underweight. You know, Will is pale because Will is a skin doctor. He knows that today's tan is tomorrow's leathery hide. Laugh all you want, but in fifty years, he'll look twenty years younger than if he hadn't lived this way. Also, his complete lack of a soul will keep him from developing worry wrinkles.
, Julie asks Will about George's snoring. She plays a clip of George snoring, and he is completely horrified. Will repeats his joke about George snoring him out of the house. George is double-bright red, but manages to laugh. That is a very significant blushing episode. I feel for the guy, I have to say.
Julie promises that we are about to discuss how popular Jase is. But first! There is voting to deal with, so here go Marcellas, Erika, and Diane, casting their votes in the DR. Marcellas says that you would both keep and toss Danielle for the same reason -- everyone knows she can't be trusted. Erika's best reason to keep Danielle is that she thinks Danielle isn't targeting her. Diane says that Danielle should go, because Danielle seems to be working with everyone but Diane. Marcellas wants to boot Alison because she can lie; Erika wants to keep Alison because she draws attention to herself. Diane would keep Alison because she's "a walking time bomb." In other words, it's a big explosion of misdirection. Diane covers her face, cringes, and votes to evict Danielle.
When we come back, Julie wants to talk about the voted-in Jase and the fact that he seems less awful than before. Jase tells us that he's learned about himself, and he's no longer as abrasive as he used to be. He calls himself "refined," and he says that in the middle of all the "big personalities," he sits back and lets other people get themselves in trouble. He also says that in his season, he had to win a lot just to stay in, and now, he doesn't: "I can win when I need to, but when I don't, I will coast." He also recalls his "showmance" with Holly, which reminds me of just how much I disliked him in a way that little else could, and he says that he's now completely committed to Heidi, his girl back home. He claims that he's "a different guy." He loved his team last time, but now, he's just working behind the scenes. We watch him chat with Howie and tell Howie that he wants in on the S6 action. And then, we watch him tell Nakomis and Diane that he wants to get the S6 people out. Then, we watch Jase ride the back of the DR chair extravagantly, as he exclaims, "I'm ridin' this whole house like a mechanical bull!" It closes with a pretty funny clip of Jase and George in the kitchen, with Jase putting his arm around George and saying, "Me and you, Chicken George, till the end." This makes George laugh. I'm always relieved when it doesn't look like George is taking things too seriously, because if he is, somebody's going to break his heart at some point.
Julie says that we're starting our HoH chats with a private chat with Jase, whose housemates can't hear him in the HoH room. She says that he seems to have "matured." Again, he attributes his improvement as a human being to Heidi, who I'm sure doesn't necessarily want to be on the hook for all of Jase's behavior. Julie asks how being co-HoH worked out. Jase says that it worked great for him, because the heat wound up all being on Janelle, who wins everything so he can shove everything off on her. He assures Julie that he'll win, and that she had better make sure the check is properly filled out in his name. So that would be "G-Y-M R-A-T"? Asked about Janelle, Jase stresses that he's still gunning for her. Before Julie lets him go, she tells him she misses the "mandanna." I immediately throw darts at my TV. Jase promises that the mandanna will come back when he makes it to the final four. By the way, Jase is wearing an argyle vest with no shirt under it, along with a tie. And the hair is all standing straight up. So it might be that the mandanna would be overkill, just a tad.
Julie promises that when we come back, Justin (Alison's ex-factor dude) and her current boyfriend will both address the matter of what's up with the real Alison. I can't wait. I've really been wondering. Oh, no, wait...that wasn't me. But "right now," James, George, and Mike in the diary room. James says that Alison has to go. Mike says that Alison is a "loose cannon" and a "deadly assassin." George says that Danielle promised not to nominate him at any point until the end. Wow, that's impressive. I didn't hear that part, but maybe she did tell him that. I'm sure she assumes she won't need to pay much more attention to him very far down the line. James says that Danielle's reassurances about S6 are reassuring. They really shouldn't be. In fact, Mike says that her coziness with S6 is part of why he doesn't want her around. Stating that she's a threat to win, George votes to evict Alison.
When we come back from commercial, now it's time for Julie to chat with Janelle, who has taken over the HoH room. Julie asks Janelle how the co-HoH thing affected her. She says that she didn't want to put names out at first. Julie asks about the tight bond between the S6 group. Janelle calls her group "dominant." She goes on to say that, basically, she trusts Kaysar and Howie and just kind of hopes that James is actually with them. Heh. I think that's probably the right call. Julie sends boring Janelle back to the living room.
Now, it's time to excoriate Alison for being a ho, because clearly, that is totally the point. It's not whether she's tricky, or smart, or anything else -- it's about sexual morality, as it always is. "Who is the real Alison?" Julie wonders. To my surprise, we open with a quote from Justin, in which he says she's "an All-Star in every sense of the word" and played "nearly flawlessly" in her season. And then the music turns frumpy, and her boyfriend Jason from home -- who I think might be a doctor, given the white coat, stethoscope around his neck, and anatomical diagrams on the wall -- takes over. He insists that her naughty image is just not who she really is. And then he reaches through the screen and checks your reflexes. Because he's a doctor. Justin chuckles that Alison is always "going to work" when she crawls into bed with guys on the show. He adds that being in shape is "calculated" for her: "That's her main weapon." Jason the Doctor says that if she's being bad, it's not "conducive" to his relationship with her, because if she wants to stay with him, she has to "not do certain things." We switch to Alison Gone Wild clips in which she dances (shameful!) and wiggles (the hussy!) and makes a random comment about letting somebody squeeze her boobs for a vote. I'm pretty sure Howie probably asked that, but it's nice of them to make it look like it was a random, free-floating offer on her part. Justin thinks that Alison's plan to play with integrity is "a crock." Jason insists that Alison has changed, and now, she can play "without compromising her morals or her integrity." There's lots of record-needle-scratching, because that's still funny, lo these many years after Ally McBeal. And then Jason says, "You can see this girl as the President of the United States, no question." I don't know. Probably not the one. Maybe the one after that. Irwin in 2012!
Julie promises that we really are going to get to the damn elimination. In the DR, Howie says Danielle might, if spared, decide to leave him and his friends alone. Will says Danielle was "absolutely robbed in her season." Nakomis DRs that the only reason to keep Alison is her tendency to draw fire. Kaysar observes that both Danielle and Alison got to F2. Will says that he wants to keep Alison because "blonde girls hate blonde girls," and Janelle and Alison will fight if you keep them both here. Idiotic, backward, and old. The trifecta! Howie says that you might keep Alison because of how she looks in a bikini. What I like about the way Howie presents himself is that it's so darn subtle. Kaysar votes to evict Alison. Nakomis votes to evict Danielle.
Back from some more commercials, Julie is almost ready to get the eviction underway. She reminds us that they both finished second, and now, one of them is getting booted right away. Julie goes back to the living room and talks to Danielle and Alison. She gives them each a chance to say something. Danielle says that she's "honored to be here," so that's one strike against her. She says that she respects all of them, and -- of course -- she loves all of them. Because after eleven days, how could she not? For her part, Alison says that she's honored, too. She thinks Danielle is awesome, and she just thanks everybody.
First, Julie says that you'll only have a minute to get your stuff after Julie announces who's leaving. By a vote of 8-2, the person being evicted is...Alison. Alison is all smiles as she gets up and hugs everyone, starting with Danielle. Mike weasels in plugs for his restaurants, which I would rather be boiled than mention, and they all call out stuff like, "See you soon!", which they hope will not actually occur.
Alison crosses the "yard" and walks into Julie's hideaway. Back in the house, Will pushes away an overly familiar hug from Howie, and Danielle stands there looking stunned and hoping the camera is on her. Over with Julie, Julie hammers Alison about losing this and The Amazing Race both in very early stages. Alison laughs and says that her "evil touch" has apparently deserted her. She says it's harder now that she's "older." Julie confronts her about flirting, and Alison says that she didn't do it now because she wants to be with Jason The Doctor forever. Julie reminds her that she had a boyfriend last time, too, but Alison basically says that she didn't like him. Julie reminds Alison of the things she's called Janelle: "Fat." "Busto." "A lying fat-ass." "Bitch." "I'm going to pull her out by her fake boobs and her fake hair and drown her in the pool." Alison's eyes bug out, and she swears Janelle is "a great person," and they'd probably be friends in normal life. She's very embarrassed about "fat-ass." You can tell it from the beaming she's trying so hard to restrain.
In Alison's farewell videos, James says that if she's booted, he'll sleep easier. "You are one of the fiercest, most insane competitors I've ever seen." Howie says she's "H-O-T-T." He would. Danielle promises Alison five words: "An eye for an eye, Ali-bear." So that would seem to put a target on whomever it is that Danielle believes is responsible for Alison being nominated, and I'd have to predict that would be...Janelle. When you promise to avenge, it pretty much has to be the main enemy, right? Mike says that he tried hard to get it together to save her, but it didn't work out. Nakomis says that if she got booted, it's because she "opened up [her] mouth" and "told a bunch of lies." Diane basically says, "Bye. Have a great summer." Most embarrassingly, Erika boo-hoos in the DR that she feels so bad for having wanted "some sense of getting you back." Erika hates to feel bad. "I'm really not a vengeful type of person!" Erika insists with a blubber. Julie asks Alison how she reacts to that, and Alison pretends not to think Erika is a crazypants, even though she does, and I do, and it makes sense to.
Julie says that up , Alison will help out with the HoH competition. Dig your own grave, and so forth.
Back from commercials. Julie talks about the importance of the competition and so forth. "A crucial responsibility!" Lives in your hands! It's almost like being a heart surgeon. Julie says that this week, there will only be one HoH. We go to the backyard, where the eleven remaining guests other than Jase and Janelle are in their little answer booths. Julie explains that in this competition, called "Alison Rules," they'll be trying to guess Alison's answers to a series of True or False questions about her houseguests. Any incorrect answer eliminates you.
First: Alison believes Howie is smarter than Will. True or false? Everyone says False; everyone is right. Alison thinks that Kaysar is the All-Star most likely to wear a peanut-butter bikini. False. Everyone is right again. Okay. Prior to entering the house, Alison thought her toughest competition was Erika. Everyone answers False except Nakomis and Kaysar. The answer is True, at least in the eyes of post-game Alison and her powers of reflection after the fact. So everybody's out other than Nakomis ad Kaysar. Question four: The person Alison believes will gain the most weight is Janelle. It's true, of course, and they both get it right. question: Alison believes the All-Star most likely to seek revenge by cleaning the toilet with a toothbrush is Will. Nakomis says True, Kaysar says false. Kaysar wins, and Nakomis should be ashamed, because that is not at all a Will thing to do. He'd do worse than that, I'm sure; don't get me wrong. But he wouldn't do that. It lacks finesse. He'd get someone else to do it, perhaps.
At any rate, in an effort to keep quiet that they are an impenetrable group that should be pursued and eliminated as soon as possible, Kaysar, Janelle, and Howie celebrate Kaysar's victory by jumping all over each other and screaming. And then, right on CBS, out of earshot of the lazy beep-button operator, James says to Howie, "Calm the fuck down." I don't know why he hangs with those people. They're much too stupid, and he's fairly smart. Julie asks Alison how she feels about Kaysar's victory, and Alison says that it's not what she would have liked to see. Asked who she wanted for HoH, Alison says it was Danielle. They were up together and everything. They were nomination buddies! But not anymore. Now, Julie bids Alison adieu. Goodbye, Alison! Again! This time, please try to stay gone!
When we return from some more commercials, we're back inside, at the portion of the show where the non-evicted nominee tries to act grateful that Danielle was kept around and the rest of them try to act glad that she's still there. It's like everyone has had a seat in the living room. Julie apologizes for originally saying the winner was Nakomis, which she did. Asked how it feels, Kaysar robotically says "one more week of safety." Julie asks Danielle about not being booted, and Danielle says that it's good, but scary. Julie congratulates her, and congratulates Kaysar for HoH. Whom will he put up? I bet it won't be Janelle and Howie. I'm going out on a limb. Fearless!