CBS loves screwing with the schedule so, yet again, we don't get a Saturday episode this week. To Tuesday! That is, after I almost have a massive heart attack because I thought I somehow didn't tape this episode. But all is well, after I breathe into a paper bag and scan through the entire tape, finally finding the footage between minute twenty-five and the hour-and-a-half mark of the crapalicious VH-1 movie I recently recapped forThe X-Files. Anyhoo. The HoH competition that began last week is still in progress; Nicole and Will and It'sOnica are on the bed in the back yard, hanging onto their keys for dear life. Will's pants are soaked through but, sadly, we get no footage of anyone peeing his or her pants. Man, I wanted to see the peeing! Pee = great TV. Come on, it even rhymes! The houseguests complain that they're uncomfortable on the bed. Well, Nicole complains. Sit, sit, sit. Will hums off-key. We're endlessly reminded that this HoH is pivotal to the way the endgame will play out.
Big Blue Chair of It Being On, Yet Again. It'sOnica tells us that "Nicole and [Hardly] are a team. Everybody knows it. If you don't know it, you can see it." Wouldn't you then know it, if you...you know what? Never mind.
More talking about how important it is for Nicole to win HoH, at least as far as Nicole and Hardly are concerned. Everyone lolls on the bed. A plane flies past dragging a banner, ostensibly from Nicole's husband, Jeff. According to the banner, Jeff is "betrayed and hurt" because Nicole allegedly hooked up with Will in the hot tub, something the Live Feed recappers outlined extensively, but that we never saw on the show. From what I know, the houseguests all got wasted, and Nicole -- how do I put this? -- slid her foot into Will's swim trunks to see what she could find. Ahem. Anyway, as the banner passes, Will shouts for Hardly to come outside, and Nicole loses her mind. She sobs. She snuffles. She sniffs. Hardly trots outside, and dubs the banner "bullshit." Nicole sobs about her marriage some more. In the Big Blue Chair of Cover-Ups, Hardly explains that the hot tub incident "was misconstrued on the internet." Um, who's to say that Jeff wasn't watching the live feeds himself? This segment is edited to make it look like Jeff got wind of some crazy rumor a stranger invented and then released to the world via email, but as far as any of us know, he may well have seen the whole thing for himself. Anyway, back on the bed, Will bites his thumb to keep from laughing as Nicole moans and wails, and It'sOnica pipes up to tell Jeff that "nothing happened." Will says nothing. Nicole fakely sobs that she lives for Jeff and her family and their life.
Big Blue Chair. Will actually tells the camera that Jeff has nothing to worry about, and that the hot tub incident was actually all very innocent. See? He could totally have screwed Nicole over there, by saying that something inappropriate went down between the two of them. On the other hand, everyone knows Will is a huge liar, and therefore, by saying that nothing happened, is he trying to say that...? My head hurts.
On the bed, Nicole snuffles for a Kleenex. Hardly tells the camera that the entire Jeff/Nicole thing was resolved very swiftly, but we don't see any of the resolution. Instead, we fast-forward to Hour Three, there on the bed. Will is soaked in urine. Hardly comes outside and offers the three of them a deal: get off the bed, and win a trip in a limo to a fast-food restaurant drive-through! Because that is a crappy prize, no one takes the deal.
It'sOnica tells the camera that winning HoH will allow her to control her destiny in the house. Then she says something about Krusta's expulsion being a turning point for her and...yeah. Whatever you said, good for you, It'sOnica! She tells us that she wants to "right some wrongs," but she has to win HoH in order to do that.
Hour Four on the bed. Will is still humming off-key. Nicole perches precariously on the edge of the bed, barely touching her key. Will lies down to her, and takes part of the bedsheet to wrap around his shoulders. Nicole reaches down to grab it back from him...with both hands. She then realizes what she's done and sticks her hand back on the key, looking around furtively. But it's over; Will saw her take her hand off and, soon, Big Brother dings a buzzer and asks her to get off the bed. Nicole stomps off in a huff. It'sOnica and Will look at each other with barely concealed glee.
Nicole stomps inside the house and hisses that she needs to break something. "What did he do?" Hardly asks.
Outside, Will moves into Nicole's spot on the bed. "One of them is going home, [It'sOnica]!" he chirps. She grins.
Inside the house, Nicole sobs. She sobs and sobs and sobs and sobs. Will looks into the camera and facetiously wonders how he'll sleep at night.
Bed: Will asks It'sOnica whom she wants to send home. "Whoever you want to send home, darling," she responds. "You're the boss," Will cheerfully reminds her. The two of them have never been so happy.
Nicole dramatically flings herself into the Diary Room and starts swearing like a sailor with Tourette's Syndrome. I honestly can't make out what she's saying, except that it involves Will, and she's not happy. "And the only good thing about my life is falling apart!" Nicole finishes with a big fat teary flourish.
Outside on the bed, Will and It'sOnica discuss how duplicitous Hardly and Nicole have been, and agree that their behavior is coming back to bite them in the ass. In the kitchen, Nicole uncorks a bottle of wine and sobs. Will tells It'sOnica that while he'd like to be HoH, what he really wants is the opportunity to kick Hardly's ass out of the house. Mid-sentence, Nicole stumbles, sobbing, onto the patio with her wine. "I can't believe this is my life," she wails. Hardly rubs her back and tells her to chill. On the bed, It'sOnica and Will continue to discuss. They realize that the two of them are going to have a hard week, but they don't care. They shake hands.
Will tells the camera that he's "used to sitting in [his] own urine and feces," and that he could have sat there on the bed all night, but...he knew It'sOnica wasn't going to lose this game. He points out that losing HoH has often worked out to his advantage.
Hardly then comes out and offers Will and It'sOnica the chance to take "a mystery prize," telling them that the prize could be their "wildest fantasy or worst nightmare." It'sOnica refuses, but Will takes the offer, and makes It'sOnica HoH for the first time. She's stoked. In the Big Blue Chair of Whee! Will tells us he's gambling that It'sOnica won't nominate him, and if she doesn't, then he's the only voter, and he can send either Nicole or Hardly home; since he hates them both, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to him in his entire life, ever! Oh, and Will's prize? A giant peanut butter jar, one of the props from a past food competition.
Hardly tells the camera that he thinks Will threw the HoH competition specifically to piss off him and Nicole.
"Will sold us out for a big fucking peanut butter jar," Nicole bitches. News flash: it's Will. Has he ever pretended to be anything other than utterly untrustworthy? Exactly.
The Presentation of the Jar. "My peanut butter jar! Yay!" Will says, screaming with joy and flinging the giant plastic prop around the yard. "I must be the luckiest boy in all the land!" he squeals in the Diary Room. "I won the Big Brother peanut butter jar!"
In the kitchen, Nicole and Hardly continue to wail about their fate. They agree that whoever escapes the boot this week "will take care of it," and don't address that whole part where It'sOnica also hates them, and that they're going to be outnumbered from here on out, no matter what happens. Hardly whimpers that he already regrets getting rid of Bunky instead of Will.
Big Blue Chair of Get That Girl Some Eye Makeup Remover. Nicole and her tearful raccoon eyes snap that she hates Will. Hates him! The Puppetmaster music tinkles cheerfully in the background.
In the Diary Room, Will muses that, first, Nicole and Hardly will blame him for their situation, but then they're going to start angling to stay in the house. "And for once, I won't be the guy kissing butt," he says, and leans back, arms behind his head, looking all satisfied. Ah, yes. It is sweet, sweet revenge for Will to be holding Hardly's and Nicole's fate in his hands, and his hands alone. This couldn't have worked out more dramatically if it had been scripted.
Nicole stomps into the kitchen and starts cooking, staring blankly into the distance with crazy, dead, soulless eyes, all to the accompaniment of scary, Jaws-like music. Later, on the patio, Will wonders whether she'd like to play backgammon with him. "No," Nicole spits. "Not until you explain why you're such a jackass." Will smiles. "Well, I don't have an explanation for that," he tells her pleasantly. Then Nicole berates him some more, and Will just sits there and takes it some more, and, really, that's the very best way to further enrage someone like Nicole, because what she really wants is a fight. Just agreeing with her only makes her more angry. But she can't express that anger without looking like a total lunatic, because Will's being so agreeable. And I'm sure Will knows that. In the Diary Room, he tells us that he plans to "avoid [Nicole] like the plague, and maybe typhoid fever and leprosy."
Night Vision. Nicole berates Will yet again, sarcastically demanding to know what his principles are. Will agrees that they're suspect at best, but he insists that he isn't playing Nicole. Nicole bitterly retorts that he's awfully smart, and then proceeds to insult him some more. She mentions that she and Hardly are, at least, "fucking honest." "And I'm not," Will reminds her. "I've got to hand it to you, Willie, you played us like a violin," Nicole spits, and then climbs out of bed and walks out of the room to the melodious strains of violin music! Oh, that's really quite funny. As the violins sing in the background, Will puts on his girly sleep mask and drifts off, untroubled by a guilty conscience.
So Nicole stomps around the house for a bit. Then she returns to the bedroom, wakes Will up, and asks him why he thinks he can stomp all over her. He doesn't really respond, and she stomps right back outside again. Will follows her, and apologizes for being "such a monster." He then tells her that there is no way he's going to start doing the right thing, and that he would have lost to It'sOnica anyway. So, he figured, why not take the mystery offer? On a personal note, he calls Nicole "an amazing friend," and tells her that she's wonderful and blah blah lies lies lies. Nicole mutters that she doesn't even have the strength to hate him. "I'm glad you don't have the strength to hit me," Will says calmly. "Not hit you, hate you," Nicole explains. Well, Will is glad she doesn't hate him, either. He tells her that he understands if she doesn't want to speak to him ever, ever again. He deserves nothing, and she? She deserves everything. The violin music starts up again! Oh, those clever editors. Seriously. The violin music is a funny touch, and for once I'm not being sarcastic. Anyway, over in the Big Blue Chair of Stating the Obvious, Will smiles. "No one is going to be more evil than me, and no one is going to lie more than me," he reminds us. "It's the way the game works."
Nicole sobs some more, about her marriage, about the game, about Will. Long story short: she's totally losing her marbles. Hardly doesn't really know what to do with her. He tells us that he's trying to "keep her sane, but she's really coming apart at the seams." She bitches and moans and cries and sobs. Hardly muses that he thinks Nicole will leave the house "without hesitation" if she really thinks her marriage depends on it. Wait, didn't he tell us twenty minutes ago that Big Brother facilitated a resolution to this? Maybe that was just some kind of psychic prediction.
Food competition time. No one cares. It'sOnica is so happy to be HoH that the food competition is meaningless; Hardly is worried about getting the boot; Nicole is a basket case in general; and Will is too excited about having Hardly's and Nicole's fate in his hands even to think twice about food. Anyway, the competition is basically a fancy version of Supermarket Sweep, with an obstacle course component. The best part is when Will stuffs the food in his pants, in order to haul more of it. I don't know that I'd want to eat pork that had been in Will's pants. Or would I?
Okay, moving right along. Nicole moans about the "banner that crushed [her] world," and then continues her Spiral Into Complete Mental Instability, crying and sobbing and pulling her hair out and rubbing her scalp and walking around all dead-eyed and crazy. Hardly nervously suggests that she "talk to someone." She sobs that she needs to know that her husband is okay, and then stumbles around the house some more. Apparently, her Descent Into Madness kicks off with an inability to remember to wear pants. Because she's not wearing any.
Nomination Time! Although It'sOnica claims to be nervous, she seems quite calm. As she looks at the memory wall, It'sOnica comments that these nominations are for the underdogs. While It'sOnica is doing the Box of Fate thing in the HoH room, Nicole sits at the kitchen table and grips her skull. At long last, It'sOnica comes out with the box and does her thing. She announces that she likes what Hardly always says -- that this is a game, and not personal -- and she just wants to reiterate that. Well, she doesn't use the word "reiterate." Then she reaches in the box, pulls out Will's key, and hands it to him; Hardly's and Nicole's world crumbles around them! Crumbles! It'sOnica tells Nicole that when she broke up It'sOnica's relationship with Krusta, she wasn't breaking up a power, she was breaking up a friendship. I think. As for Hardly, It'sOnica is all, "I'm gonna make a long story short," except it's too late for that, and then tells him that he's a threat to win the game. She reminds them that they haven't made their alliance a secret. "You kinda threw it up in our faces, but it's a game, don't take it personally, you are a power, and that's why I nominated you guys," she finishes. Everyone nods.
Will: "I have a new best friend in the house. Hello! It's [It'sOnica]!"
Nicole: "Sob bitch sob sob."
Hardly: "I should have been more intelligent with my decisions. I screwed up." Can't disagree with that.
Will: "The power is not up for grabs this week! I have the power!" Okay, He-Man.
Finally, Julie pops up. Wow, I didn't expect that at all. She introduces the audience to the four Survivors who are going to be paying the houseguests a little visit -- Sue, Gervase, Jeff, and Alicia. The five of them kibitz about the show as a whole for a bit, and the Survivors express views similar to the ones expressed on our forums every day: Hardly is a bully, Nicole is miserable, Will brings the funny. Also, there's a great deal of posturing and claiming that Survivor is the harder and/or superior show. Anyway. More of them tomorrow.
It's tomorrow. Wednesday. Nothing. Happens. Wednesday. First, the "previously" segment takes a hundred years. When we finally get into the show, Will approaches It'sOnica back on the patio and tells her "that was the best nomination speech [he's] ever heard." He's such a kiss-ass. I love it!
In the Diary Room, Nicole is "flabbergasted and disgusted that Will may place in first or second. That lying, deceivious [sic] asshole of the planet who lost every competition on purpose and thinks it's funny. Because we're all stupid enough." Why, yes, that's all correct!
Nicole and Hardly mope. Well, mostly Nicole mopes. Hardly whines that Will didn't adhere to "the spirit" of their agreement. How can this surprise them? In the Big Blue Chair of Prospering Liars, Will grins: "[Hardly] and Nicole should have evicted me last week. I don't think that's any secret. Anyone who believes me at this point is dumb."
More moping. Hardly says that his first instinct was to "crush [Will] with everything he's got," and then tries to comfort Nicole by saying that Will is going to be out "on the street" one day. Not with that half million he's going to win, he's not.
Big Blue Chair of Despair. Nicole sobs. Man, she is no fun at all, is she? She lies in bed and cries and cries and cries and cries.
Eventually, Nicole dries her tears, looks into the camera in the bedroom, and addresses Jeff, insisting that she did nothing untoward in the hot tub. She sounds more pissed off than apologetic, really.
More crying from Nicole. Will sits on the side of bed and comforts her, telling her that she can't leave the house voluntarily. He pats her. She sobs. In the Diary Room, Will tells us that he needs Nicole to stay in the house, strategy-wise; he adds that he's "read about" being considerate, and he thinks he's going to try it. And he does a pretty good job, convincing Nicole that somehow she's going to leave the house in at least second place. Will tells the camera that he really needs to have the choice of voting out Hardly or Nicole; if she leaves voluntarily, she'll take that power from him. In her bed, Nicole sobs and sobs and swears and sobs.
Yeah, more breakdown footage. Holy crap, woman, for the love of God, get a hold of yourself. While Nicole is slumped on the basketball court, staring depressed at the lawn, another banner plane flies over. This banner reads: "Nicole, Stay and Torment Will For Me." It's from Jeff. Nicole just cries some more. "I can't believe I got another banner!" Will exclaims cheerfully.
In the Big Blue Chair of Personality Disorders, Nicole snaps that her only goal is to torment Will. Maybe you ought to try placing the blame for all this where it belongs, Nicole: on yourself. You were the one giving the footjob! ["Plus she fucked up and took her hand off her key. It's not like she's Mistress Crow and Will is all Master Reynard tricking her into dropping her cheese." -- Wing Chun] How is this Will's fault? ["Exactly." -- Wing Chun]
Will slathers on a white facial mask and goes to the Diary Room, where he calls Nicole "the mean queen behind the scenes," and explains that she really doesn't want to leave the show, because she doesn't want to give up that control.
Okay, America's Choice Time. Where are the Survivors? Anyway, America chooses to give the houseguests a Winter Wonderland in their backyard. They all yell and scream with simulated joy, but Nicole can't keep it up for more than a minute and starts bitching about how much she hates the snow and how unhappy she is about all the taxidermied animals standing around. Her first words? "I hate snow." In the Diary Room, It'sOnica makes a disgusted face. "Some people just like to complain," she says.
After about a minute, the houseguests are bored by the snow. Will tries to have fun -- plaintively asking for a sled, pretending the stuffed polar bear is talking, making a snowman -- but, frankly, the snowy yard is a bit of a bust.
Finally, the Survivors show up. For ten minutes, there is nothing but squealing. People hug. I can't tell you what anyone said, because it's all just high-pitched squawking.
After a hundred years of yelling, each houseguest takes a Survivor into the Diary Room, where everyone talks about how excited they are. Excited! Then they run out to the patio to chit-chat. Nicole complains that Will is making her sick because he doesn't really know any of the Survivors. "I don't care," he retorts. "I like them better than all of you." People laugh. Everyone talks. Nicole complains. About everything: the game, Will, her life in general. Eventually they get around to arguing over which game is harder, Big Brother or Survivor. Frankly, I think having to eat rats and bugs trumps not being able to escape your asshole roommates.
Sue and It'sOnica sit in the Diary Room, and Sue tells the camera that she can already tell Nicole is a bitch. "Woooow," she drawls to It'sOnica. "I don't know how you put up with her." It'sOnica shrugs. Sue is my girlfriend.
The patio. More complaining from Nicole. Way to be on your best behavior for company. Jesus.
Will and Gervase kibitz in the living room. Gervase comments that Jeff Varner "will stab you in the front." Will laughs, but you know he's thinking that Jeff is a man after his own heart. ["Also, shut up, Gervase, you whore. Go make another Sunkist ad." -- Wing Chun]
Later, in the kitchen, Jeff asks It'sOnica which of her roommates irritates her most. She hems and haws and finally names Nicole. "She seems cool," Jeff says mildly. "She's happy to see folk," It'sOnica explains. "Ortho Tri-Cyclen. Linda Evangelista. Theory of relativity." Jeff nods. "Good for you," he says, having no idea what It'sOnica has just told him. ["I wish Jeff and Will were my bitchy roommates." -- Wing Chun]
Dude, another challenge. I hate the challenges! It's some kind of zany physical challenge involving blocks, and keys, and swimming through an icy pool, and keys, and torches, and it's all very tiresome. The rules are really complicated, and I can barely follow when Jeff explains them in his charming accent, and I really lose track when It'sOnica takes over. There's a $15,000 prize, which is nice for the contestants, but what about the viewers? What I really want is shit-talking and mud-wrestling! Anyway, Team Big Brother is way ahead in the challenge, but It'sOnica blows it in the pool, or something -- I don't know, I was eating a burrito at this point, and some of the chicken fell out, and I had to attend to that -- and the Survivors come from behind to win. The best part of this entire segment? Will, putting on his Big Brother-issued black leggings and saying, "I'm a ballerina ninja!" Nothing is better than a good ninja joke.
Jesus, there are a lot of commercials in this episode. That's nice for me -- I can rest my fingers and avoid carpal tunnel syndrome, which is like the torn ACL of recapping, especially with the fall season coming up and all -- but it's a bit of a rip-off for the viewer, no? The commercials, I mean, not carpal tunnel.
Okay, so we're back. Nicole tells Will that "this day has been so cool, [she] want[s] to hug [him]. That's how cool this day has been." Will braves a knife in the back and hugs Nicole. Then he runs away.
More yammering. It'sOnica and Will talk about their amazing reversals of fortune over the last week, while Jeff watches Nicole chop things, and prays she doesn't turn on him with the knife.
Another challenge. Yeah, in case you're keeping track, that's three challenges and one America's Choice so far. An episode devoted to All Will, All the Time, would be far preferable filler. ["Seriously, CBS could launch a show called Will Craps His Pants and I would watch it every week. Jessica, you could recap it." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, this current challenge is about all the fan sites that have been erected in honor of each of the houseguests. Needless to say, Mighty Big TV has not been featured in this segment, and more's the pity. ["As usual, CBS can't handle the truth." -- Wing Chun] Sue shows the four houseguests color copies of their fansite's homepage, and then introduces the challenge. Each houseguest is matched up with a Survivor, and they have to work out what basically is a Jumble puzzle, and...you know, just thinking about explaining this stupid -- yet complicated -- challenge makes me want to cry. I'm not going to do it. All you need to know is that it involves unscrambling clues, and the winner gets to log on to his or her CBS-approved fan site and see what the sycophants are saying about them. Hardly and Sue win, and Hardly's site appears to consist of screen captures of him, naked. Also, in the rush for the finish line, Sue shoves Nicole into a table, hard. God bless her.
When she recovers from her concussion, Nicole makes dinner. Then she complains. She serves dinner. And complains. They eat. She complains.
Bedtime. Alicia and Jeff share a bed. "Hey, just for ratings, could you guys bang?" Will asks them. Cue peals of laughter. "Is that unreasonable?" he asks.
Later, more....God, I can't take this anymore. Where are the machinations? The Puppetmastery? The shit-talking? All this comparing reality-show experiences and hugging and learning might be entertaining for the houseguests, but it's painfully dull for the viewer.
Finally, it's time for the Monday meeting. Hardly and Nicole don't really let loose in front of the Survivors. Oh, except Nicole complains. A lot. Alicia, by the way, is wearing something that looks like it was stolen from the wardrobe trailer of Moulin Rouge. It's this black and red lacy corset-y thing. It's really bizarre. And I stare at it for, like, twenty minutes and miss part of the meeting. Nicole's calling Will "a demeaning, dehumanizing jackass" snaps me right back into the thick of things, though. It'sOnica asks the Survivors for any advice they might care to impart. ["I'd just like to point out that of the four Survivors participating in this event, not one was among the final three. So I would think their advice would be pretty worthless." -- Wing Chun] Alicia tells them to be positive. Close shot of Nicole. Gervase tells them not to hate any anyone. Close shot of Nicole. Jeff tells them to try to have fun and appreciate what they have, and not to be depressed. Close shot of Nicole. Jeff then full-on addresses Nicole and tells her not to take "stuff" so personally, because she's going to regret not enjoying her stay in the house once she gets out. She does admit that she often gets depressed and angry. Thanks for the news flash. Jeff also tells them that his perception of the game has changed since he's been in the house; he has an entirely different theory on the likely winner. The houseguests all look at each other and twitter. "There's shit going on behind all your backs you don't know about," he finishes. That rascal, Jeff. Just going in there to stir shit up! Sue says it's just a game, but she wants them to play hard. "Show me a good loser, and I'll show you guys a loser," she says. are the nominees' speeches, and Nicole and Hardly cry a little bit and say that they love each other and respect each other and blah blah blah blah blah.
And then the Survivors leave. Well, that was a wasted opportunity. There wasn't even any finger waving.
Back to business, and ain't it grand? Hardly tells us that Will would be a fool not to evict him. Nicole says she can't handle being split from Hardly, but she's going to have to suck it up. Will evilly muses that it would be hilarious to evict Nicole and "mix things up," and "he might just do that." Honey, please don't. Because you need to avenge Shannon with great wrath! Actually, I don't care about Shannon. But you do need to get rid of Hardly. For all our sakes.
Thursday. Okay, this episode has, seriously, ten minutes of action, half an hour of commercials, and twenty minutes of filler. They could really move down to a half-hour show and just pack it full of action, and everyone would be happy. Especially me. Man, even the credits are full of filler now.
Julie's wearing a strange outfit this week. Her red leather shirt thing is a flattering color for her, but the cut is odd, and I don't know that it really matches her brown suede pants. Julie outlines the events of the past week for the people who only tune into the Thursday show, and cues up several minutes of flashbacks. We know, we know: Hardly and Nicole are screwed. After I grow old and die, there's some non-flashback footage, as It'sOnica says it feels good to give Hardly and Nicole a taste of their own medicine.
So, Nicole and Hardly whine some more. They each protest to each other that they're indifferent as to whether they get voted out. Nicole sobs. Hardly lies on a deck chair and suns himself as he listens to her gripe.
It'sOnica tells the camera that Hardly and Nicole both want to stay because they both want (a) to screw over Will, and (b) the money. This revelation is intercut with shots of Nicole and Hardly each continually swearing they won't stab the other in the back.
In the bedroom, Will tells Nicole not to let Hardly guilt-trip her into anything. She says she's not. She's the guilty one, she moans. "You're guilt-tripping him? That's fine," Will says. Nicole chuckles in spite of herself.
Later, Nicole wails to Hardly that she's sorry, so sorry, so, so, so, sorry that she lost HoH and landed them in this hot water. This goes on for, like, an hour. Hardly finally tells Nicole to shut up.
It'sOnica is remarkably coherent today. Maybe all her new-found power has improved her grammar. She comments that Hardly and Nicole "did this to themselves, and Will deserves to feel powerful right now." You know, I've totally come around on the It'sOnica issue. Not only do I think she could possibly win, but I think I'd be okay with that. Her tenuous grasp of the language notwithstanding, she's quite likeable. Although now that I actually think about it, if she doesn't win HoH this week, it would make sense for whoever did win to evict her, because I don't think anyone could beat her. Am I thinking about this too much? Sorry. Moving right along.
In the bedroom, Will tells Nicole to tell him how to vote. "Hey, just trust me," he says, and cracks a classic Evil Doctor grin. Nicole shakes her head.
Big Blue Chair of Will Ought to Get Some Kind of TV Show After This Is Over. Will says it's very important that he lie to Nicole. He wants her to stab Hardly in the back one last time, he says. "I want her to give him the death blow," he cackles.
And she does, as Will says, "very subtly and very slowly" backstab Hardly, asking Will "what Shannon would think" if he didn't get rid of Hardly, for example. When Will asks Nicole to cut his hair, she tells him she doesn't feel like doing that until Friday. After the vote. "That's a half-million-dollar haircut!" Will says. Nicole laughs.
Will is just making himself right at home in the Diary Room. "The advantages of keeping Nicole in the house are: one, I get a cooked meal every night and I don't have to cook for myself and...." He trails off and shoots the camera a blank stare.
In yet another Big Blue Chair session, Will wonders whether he ought to take care of Hardly now or later. Now, or later. Now...or later? "It's about love, it's about money, and for me, this is one of the biggest decisions I'll make in my life," Will explains. Man, Will is totally just jerking us around, here. You know he's already made his decision, but he's just drawing it all out for suspense. Or something. And yet, because he has me in his funny, evil thrall, I do not care.
Eventually, Hardly tells us that he's "not going through this bullshit for charity." He's going through it for himself! And so he's "putting [his] best foot forward." In other words, he's being as nice to Will as possible with the hopes that he'll get to stick around another week.
It'sOnica tells us that she's "prayed for folk in here." Did It'sOnica always use the word "folk" this much? Because she's said it about sixty times this week. "They know not what they do," she muses. No, I think they do know what they do, and that makes it worse.
Will sings to the camera that his only regret in the world is that he can't evict both Hardly and Nicole!
Cue six hundred years of filler. People have lived and died in the time they're taking to get to the vote, here. Most of this filler is devoted to It'sOnica, and her Flying Under the Radar strategery, and her dancing, and the early days of the show, which I can't go back to, because seeing the shots of, like, Shannon, and Autumn makes me feel like I'm flashing back to 'Nam or something. Anyway, blah blah Krusta blah blah they don't think I can win blah blah turning point blah blah blah blah blah. "If my life in the Big Brother house was a movie, it would be titled How [It'sOnica] Got Her Groove Back," It'sOnica tells us.
Julie directs us to the Green Room, where Hardly's grandmother and brother sit on a sofa and look blank, and Nicole's husband Jeff stretches his legs out and looks really, really irritated. ["And has a beard braided like a rat-tail, which really tells you everything you need to know about him." -- Wing Chun]
Will says some more shit to the effect that the vote is still wide open. Oh, he knows whom he's going to vote for. He's just playing us! Cue the violins!
At last, Julie goes to talk to the houseguests, who have been passing the time by singing, although they stop when she greets him. "Sounds like Cheap Trick," she tells them. Everyone cheers. "'I Want You to Want Me,' Julie," Hardly says. Julie's like, no way. Then, they talk about the Survivors a bit. It's not very interesting, although the houseguests do bitch about losing the luxury competition. "That Jeff guy, he's got it coming to him," Hardly says. If by "it," Hardly means "Hardly Hill's red-hot gay love," yes, he does. Poor Hardly, he's really turning on the charm, and it's falling flat all over the place. He's no Will, people. Finally, Julie turns to my evil, funny boyfriend. "Hey, baby," he says. Julie dissolves into girlish giggles, and tells him that he's the most powerful person in the Big Brother house. He tells her that he used to feel compelled to "vote with the group," and now, he is the group, and he likes it. , Julie informs Hardly and Nicole that their final words could possibly change Will's vote. "Doubt it," Nicole snarks. Both of them "choose not to address Will," and instead just say a whole bunch of nothing. Nicole spouts a whole bunch of crap to the effect that this is a "win/loss [sic]" situation and...yeah, I don't care. She does say some nice things about Hardly, because she's in love with him or something, then she sobs a bit about Jeff, and...nope, still don't care. For his part, Hardly starts his speech by thanking God, which annoys me when people do it on the Oscars, and it annoys me here. He then gives shout-outs to, seriously, eighty-five people before Julie cuts him off. Go Julie!
Big Blue Chair of Avenging With Great Wrath. Will muses that he holds Hardly responsible for Shannon's eviction, but, on the other hand, they're good friends, and they work out together. Should he avenge Shannon, or should he bury the hatchet? he wonders.
More filler. When I go to the kitchen to make a sandwich, Julie cues up a montage devoted to the Great, Great Platonic Affair Between Hardly and Nicole, complete with this stupid Love Story-type music, like one of them is dying. When I come back, they're still talking about how much they love each other, how they're just like brother and sister! I don't know about you, but I generally don't give my siblings deep-tissue massages and lap dances. Maybe I'm missing out. Anyway, although Hardly and Nicole love each other, nobody else loves them. "Nicole runs this house, and if you don't do what she wants, she gets Hardly to evict you," Will says. But her power is dead now! Mwahahahahaha! Sorry. I don't know where that came from. Will further points out that if Hardly and Nicole "were such good friends, one of them would sacrifice themselves for the other, much like Shannon sacrificed herself for me." You know, that's not a bad point.
HoH interview. At least It'sOnica speaks candidly, unlike Hardly, who just says the same thing over and over again. She tells Julie that she doesn't regret nominating Hardly and Nicole. She had to break up "the power," she repeats. Keeping Will, she says, was a strategy. Hardly and Nicole used him, and she used him. And she's planning to be standing with him at the end because, she says, she can beat him.
God, voting time, at last. Will ambles into the Diary Room and starts talking about his decision, but Julie interrupts him and gives him the option of casting his vote in the living room, right in front of Hardly and Nicole. In my own living room, I gasp out loud. Will tells Julie that he has nothing to hide, and that he'd like nothing better than to do just that.
So, Will goes out into the living room and starts his spiel all over again. Julie has to stop him, in order to explain what's happening to the houseguests. Somehow, I think they could have figured it out on their own. Then she gives Will the go-ahead. And I was so hoping for some Sue Hawk-like rats/ snakes/ vultures/ regrets action, but Will is very diplomatic, telling Hardly and Nicole that his choice was not easy to make, and that he had many factors to consider. Hardly is an amazing competitor, Will says, and Will respects that. He does, however, hold Hardly responsible for Shannon's eviction. As for Nicole, Will realizes that she's been having a very difficult time of late, and that it might be better for her, mentally, to go home to Jeff. "Taking all these things into consideration," he begins, and turns to Nicole, "I have decided to evict...[Hardly]." Heh. Nice fakeout, there. Hardly takes his eviction quite well, with handshakes and smiles and hugs and good wishes. Nicole, naturally, sobs. Hardly tells the final three to enjoy themselves for the rest of their time in the house, and tells them that they'll be in his thoughts. Then he hugs Nicole and she sobs and they talk about how much they love each other and blah and finally, finally Hardly leaves. Nicole screams after him to call Jeff.
Interview time! Hardly takes his expulsion with very good sportsmanship and class, but, as usual, says nothing of interest in his interview. It's all spin, spin, spin, big word slightly misused, cliché cliché. He does admit that not evicting Will was a critical error in judgment, but doesn't seem to realize that Bunky would have evicted him, too, so there you go. Cliché cliché cliché blah blah blah. Julie cues up farewell videos from his housemates, and Hardly tears up, naturally. In the video, Will repeats that Hardly is "an excellent competitor," and that he respects him as a person. It'sOnica tells Hardly that any woman who gets him will get a real "chimp." Well, I think she said "champ," but it sounded like "chimp." Either one works, really. Well. One more than the other. Nicole sobs. Hardly sobs. I yawn. Finally, Hardly says that he learned "so much" in the house, especially from Bunky, from whom he learned, he says, how to be a more tolerant person, a more patient person, a more gay person. Amusingly, when he tells Julie that he thinks Nicole will win, Julie makes this "you've got to be kidding me" face, and changes the subject, at last calling in Grandma and Brady, Hardly's brother. Get out of here, Hardly! I mean it: get out. Now.
Time for the HoH competition. At last, Julie explains the endgame. Everyone is eligible to win this final Head of Household competition, which consists of three parts, and will conclude on Thursday. At that point, the winner will evict someone on the spot. They begin phase one of the competition, and I'm a little bit nervous, and not ashamed to admit it. Well, maybe just a little bit ashamed. In this first portion of the game, Julie reads a word that one of the evicted houseguests used to describe either Will, It'sOnica, or Nicole. The houseguests need to guess which of them that word describes. Nicole groans.
The first word, "brave," comes from Autumn. All of the houseguests guess themselves. But Autumn was describing Nicole, who then takes the early lead.
is Kent, whose word is "energetic." Everyone guesses Will, which is correct. Nicole is still ahead.
Krusta used the word "strong." Will and It'sOnica guess that she was talking about It'sOnica, which is correct. Nicole picks herself. The game is tied. Suspense!
Shannon's word is "aggressive." Nicole and Will guess that she was describing Nicole, and they're right. Nicole and Will are now tied for the lead.
Sheryl used the word "explosive." Everyone looks blank. Will is the only person to guess It'sOnica, which is the correct answer. He moves into the lead and, at home, I yelp "yes!"
Bunky's . His description is "arrogant." Everyone guesses Will. Everyone is right. "It's 'confident'!" Will says. Everyone twitters nervously.
Mike's word is last, and it's a toughie: "Loyal." Will looks guilty, then shakes his head. No one seems confident about his or her answer, and no one gets it right. The correct answer was "Nicole," who is the last person I would have thought Mike Boogie considered loyal. At the end of this segment of the competition, Will is in first place, followed by Nicole, and It'sOnica. But it's very close, and Julie points out that it could all change Tuesday! God, if this goes down to a Will/Nicole showdown, I don't know if I'll be able to stand it.
After the competition, the houseguests all agree that they had no idea what they were doing in there. As they walk out to the patio, Will reaches his hand down his pants to, I don't know, scratch, or readjust, or whatever it is men do with their junk when they stick their hands down their pants. They wonder whether they're still on television, and Nicole moans that Jeff must be around somewhere. She wonders whether they let him go behind the walls to peek into the house. "They're not going to make him sit in the parking lot," Will snarks. So Nicole starts mournfully looking at the walls, while Will and It'sOnica go outside to play yet another game of backgammon. On her way outside, Nicole trips and almost bites it in the kitchen. Finally, she makes it outside without incident. "That was wack," she says. "Wiggity wack," Will agrees. "I'm explosive?" It'sOnica asks. Heh. Those last two minutes were the most entertaining part of this entire episode.