At long last, we're arrived at the finale of Big Brother 2! Before we get into it, I have to thank Wing Chun for being an awesome boss, the forums for their amusing commentary and constant live feed recaps, and my friend C for holding back my hair after Mike Boogie made me throw up the other night. One last thing: please think about giving blood or money or blood and money to aid victims of the recent terrorist attacks here in America, if you haven't already done so.
And on to the show! Because of the terrorist attacks, Big Brother was pre-empted by news for a week, and rightly so. So this recap kicks off with Tuesday's episode. Julie looks understandably tired as she tells the camera that the formal rules of Big Brother have been broken, and that the houseguests have been told about "the horrific events that unfolded the morning of September 11th" -- namely the terrorist attacks on Washington, D.C. and New York. She explains that the news hit Monica "especially hard" because her cousin, Tamitha Freeman, worked in the World Trade Center and, at the time of the episode's taping, was still unaccounted for.
We cut to footage of Monica in the Diary Room, being informed of the attacks on the World Trade Center. Monica looks shocked and upset, naturally, as a female producer tells her that they've contacted her family, and that her sister and niece are fine, but that they haven't heard from Tamitha. Monica puts her hand over her eyes and starts to cry. The producer -- Lisa? -- reassures her in a calm, firm tone that survivors are still being recovered from the rubble, that people are calling in safe all the time, that "this doesn't mean anything bad." Monica cries. "Okay," she says. Oh, man. I wonder how long it took Lisa to compose herself before she went to speak to Monica. Her voice sounds so calm and optimistic, like someone's mother putting on a brave face. Poor Monica. There's no funny here, people. And in light of this development, I just can't bring myself to call her "It'sOnica" anymore.
, Will and Nicole are called to the Diary Room. I'm sure Nicole's family is proud that Nicole's nipple is popping out of her tank top throughout this segment. Will's and Nicole's response to the news is, of course, shock and dismay. Will immediately puts his hand on Monica's shoulder. "Oh my God," he breathes. He then becomes very agitated, fiddling with the Big Blue Chair and his microphone and his shorts, like a child. Nicole begins to cry. Really cry, not her usual Tears of Phony Baloney Regret at the Eviction of a Friend. Lisa tells the houseguests that she'll keep them informed. The three of them just look gobsmacked. Like the rest of the world.
The houseguests go out to the patio, and try to process what they've just been told. Nicole can't figure out why the terrorists crashed one of the planes in Pennsylvania, of all places. "The pilot, he just took it down," Will says, looking at his feet. "He's a hero," he finishes. Monica just stares at the backgammon board.
In the Diary Room, Will comments that Monica has been really strong in the face of all this tragedy. Outside, Monica tells Will and Nicole that she's just praying and hoping for the best.
Later, Will sits on a patio chair and reflects that "this makes [the game] seem really small, doesn't it?" The girls nod, sadly.
Monica is called into the Diary Room for another update. Lisa breaks the news that Monica's family hasn't heard from Tamitha yet, but that they're still looking, and still feeling optimistic. Monica sighs.
"I've never seen someone so calm in the face of something this big," Will says, in the Diary Room, of Monica. "I think it says a lot about her character."
In the Diary Room, Monica explains that she knows her family can't come to fetch her, and that it's not important to her right now. They need to focus on what's going on in New York, she says. "I'm with them mind, body, and soul," she continues, and if I didn't feel so sorry for Monica that I can't even make fun of her, I'd point out that she isn't exactly with them "in body." Since, you know, she's thousands of miles away.
"Our thoughts and prayers go out to Monica, her family, and everyone who has been affected by the events of September 11th," Julie Chen says.
All righty. Back to the game at hand. We get a recap of what happened during the week the show was pre-empted, including, to my joy, a repeat of the last episode's shot of Will reaching into his pants and rearranging his junk. Hey, we've got to enjoy whatever we can, during these troubled times. The untelevised second round of the HoH competition consists of a "seven-point household chore" challenge, which looks like it includes eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cleaning stuff and poor Monica doesn't have a chance to overcome her third place position behind Nicole, Poster Girl for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. So, Nicole and Will move into the final round. For some reason, Will is wearing a Survivor t-shirt throughout the second round, one which I assume was given to him by his Funny, Snarky, Gay Boyfriend, Jeff Varner, or perhaps my Funny, Although At Times Grating, Completely (Dear God!) Platonic Girlfriend, Sue Hawk.
, we check up with the evicted roommates, one of whom, Julie says, is "dealing with life-changing personal news she learned after leaving the house."
First up is Mike, working the bar in a completely dark and empty Belly, which is so pathetic. He admits that he's had a "rough time" adjusting to life out of the house, but that "it's been okay." In other words, people come into Belly and insult him, and when he's walking down the street, motorists throw things. He gives Nicole "mad kudos" for "playing the game," and then explains that he and Krusta are "still exploring how [they'll] fit into each other's lives." In other words, he wishes she would stop calling him. He's also landed a guest-starring role on Yes, Dear, that really awful CBS comedy that's in the hammock between The King of Queens and Everybody Loves Raymond and gets decent ratings only because people are too lazy to change the channel.
Shannon is . Although I am tempted to revisit my position on Shannon, in light of the fact that she turned out, maybe, to be partially correct about Hardly, I decide against that the instant I see her posing in her white bikini on the beach. Still hate her. Shannon informs us that, in her spare time, she's been playing beach volleyball. Wow, that's challenging. She tells the camera that Monica is "a true person" and then gets to what she really enjoys: shit-talking. Not that there's anything wrong with that. She smarms that Hardly deserved the toothbrush incident, because he was a bully. Which he was. But we didn't know that then. "Call me cold, heartless, whatever, but look at yourself and don't judge me," she says. "Whatever," she finishes, with tears in her eyes. Aw, poor Shannon! People must be spitting on her and kicking her in the shins as she walks down the street. Or maybe she's been reading this site. Hey, Shannon, did you see how most people turned against Hardly, too? Good times. Anyway, re: Jim: Shannon admits they spent a whole week and a half together, talking about their relationship. Or, er, "talking." And she admits that she doesn't know what's happening with the whole Jim/Will conundrum. "Things happen, and it's hurtful, but I'm sorry," she says, and shrugs, as the editors flash an image of Will on the screen. Dude, did she just break it off with my funny, evil boyfriend, right there on national TV? Will! My apartment is twenty minutes from the CBS lot! Come on down! Cry on my shoulder! We can drive to Hermosa Beach and let the air out of Shannon's tires!
is Autumn. She and her boyfriend have decided to get married. If I cared, that would be nice. She then explains that she has a thyroid disorder called Graves Disease that caused her to gain weight right before she left for the show. I have to say, I myself have a minor thyroid disorder (not Graves Disease, just slightly lower than normal thyroid levels) and while I didn't have any weight issues, I learned that a screwed-up thyroid really affects your mood. I was all tired and depressed and emotional, and once I started taking medication to normalize my thyroid, I felt much better. Even though I was unemployed! My point? Autumn's crazy emotional reactions to everything that happened during her two weeks in the house might have had as much to do with this disorder as with the fact that she's a big whiny baby. Now, she's got the whole disease thing under control, she says, and she's trying to shape up -- not because of all the crap that Shannon put her through, but because she "wants to do it for herself." She's also cutting a record. The camera follows her to the recording studio, where she sings a song that includes the lyrics "tonight is my night to shake my thing." Whatever butters your toast.
Sheryl, on the other hand, is having a more difficult time. Since being evicted from the house, she's been diagnosed with breast cancer. The cameras follow Sheryl into the doctor's office, where he tells her that the cancer "is in multiple spots" in her breast and the best option, for her, is a mastectomy. She tells us that the hardest part about being diagnosed with cancer was having to break the news to her children. She sniffles. Back in the doctor's office, Sheryl PSAs that if you find a lump in your breast, you need to go to the doctor. And that's very good advice. Her doctor tells her that she has a good chance to beat this, since they found the cancer fairly early. Poor Sheryl. But she looks like she's in great shape, and she seems very optimistic, and God knows, that can only help her.
Julie tells the audience that Sheryl has scheduled her mastectomy for after the final vote, that she's feeling great, and that she's looking forward to coming back to finish up her stint on Big Brother.
Back to the Diary Room, where Will tells us that Monica is "a very powerful, very opinionated, outspoken, strong person. She's a good person in life and in this house." On the other hand, he feels that Nicole has "pulled the wool over some houseguests' eyes. She's done everything that [he's] done, but she's covered her tracks."
It's almost time for the final part of the three-part HoH competition. Will and Nicole discuss the fact that neither one of them really wants to win and then have to play the bad guy, kicking poor bereaved Monica out of the house. Out on the patio, Will asks Nicole to take him with her into the finals. "I've never lied to you," he says. "Yes, you have. Every time you said you didn't throw the HoH competitions," Nicole retorts. "Okay, I lied about that," Will admits, but points out that losing everything is his strategy. His strategy! After seemingly endless discussions about which of them ought to take the fall, Nicole proposes that they both try to win the final competition, since neither of them wants to. Will agrees and sincerely informs her that he trusts her. She walks out of the room, and Will smiles evilly into the camera, and sticks out his tongue. Later, in the bedroom, Will swears to Nicole that he will absolutely not "outright throw" the competition. Moments afterward, however, he walks past a camera in the hallway, hands up like he's scrubbed in for surgery, and hisses, "the evil doctor is back!" The Puppetmaster Music wails for one last glorious time as Nicole slumps in the Big Blue Chair of the Clinically Depressed and Totally Delusional and insists that Will would far rather spend his last week in the house with her, instead of Monica. "If I was [sic] to spend a week in here with Monica, it would be great!" Will chirps in his own session in the Big Blue Chair, God bless his cold, black little heart.
Finally, we're getting down to the action. Julie Chen pops in to talk to Monica, Will and Nicole, who all seem a bit down. They ask after her health. "I'm okay," she admits. "Been better." Haven't we all? By the way -- not to take us away from the solemnity of this moment or anything -- Will looks really hot. Julie asks Monica how she's holding up. Monica responds that she's just "keeping the faith" and trying to stay focused. Julie finally turns to Nicole, and asks how she feels about making it to the final three. Nicole admits that none of them has even really been thinking about the game "because of things that have been going on in the nation." She starts to tear up. "Sorry," she says, "I'm really emotional about it." Will agrees. He tells Julie that while they "don't know exactly what's going on," all three of them "send [their] wishes and thoughts to America." Julie's face sort of melts at this, because she's in love with Will. "It's appreciated out there, I'm sure," she tells him, then asks him how confident he feels about this HoH competition. "Not that confident," he admits.
, more catching up with the evicted. "Thank God I'm free at last!" Kent crows. Krusta directs us all to a teeny, tiny "welcome home banna" hanging in Ray's Diner, way at the back. In the dark. Bunky's been getting love letters from old ladies. Hardly looks gayer than ever in black loafers with no socks, a foufy purple motorcycle, and a little tiny helmet that makes him look like a traveling penis. Krusta and Laken go through letters from all of Krusta's misguided fans. Bunky says he loves his fans. Kent swears he's still a non-smoker. Hardly pretends to be attracted to Lindsey and kisses her on television. Krusta twangs that she doesn't want to go back to being a waitress; she wants to be a big famous star! Bunky tells us that he and Kent have talked a few times on the phone and that they're going to do something together soon. For his part, Kent says he really wants to meet Gregg. Krusta talks a little bit about how much she hates Nicole and how much she misses Monica. Hardly snips that biggest eye opener after leaving the house was "seeing Will's diary entries." , we visit Will in the Diary Room. "I know when I leave here, little old ladies are going to spit at me in the grocery store," he grins. Or throw their granny panties at you. One or the other. Bunky admits that he didn't know that Will "is as shrewd as he is." Krusta swears that she's not mad at Will. Because everyone loves funny Will! The montage ends with Kent grimacing. "I could care less which one of those freaks wins this game," he grouses.
Competition time. The final portion of the HoH competition consists of more questions about "everyone and everything you've experienced in the Big Brother house in the last seven weeks." At this, Will looks calm. Nicole, however, makes a nasty face.
And the questions begin. First off: who ended up with the sleeping bag the first night in the house? Both Nicole and Will guess Kent, which is the correct answer.
Second: who was first to dive into the icy pool on the day the Survivors were in the house? The correct answer is Hardly, which both Will and Nicole get correct, although Nicole spells it "Hardee."
Who was first out of the car during the house's first food challenge? Will and Nicole exchange looks and shrug. Will guesses Sheryl, while Nicole thinks the correct answer is Mike. Nicole is correct, and pulls ahead by one point.
What did America choose to give the houseguests instead of a massage chair or a pull-up bar? Will and Nicole are both right when they guess "toaster."
, both Nicole and Will remember that Krusta is under the misguided impression that mushrooms are fruit.
Nicole still leads the competition by one point. The penultimate question involves the key-sliding HoH competition, and, again, both Will and Nicole are correct when they recall that Monica is the houseguest who slid her key off the edge of the table. Behind them, Monica makes a face.
The last question. Julie tells Will that he has the opportunity to tie it up. "Or lose it," Will snarks. Julie giggles. The question is regarding the "Dirty Dozen" competition in the first week. "Who was the first contestant wearing a bikini to jump into the mud?" Julie asks. Because both Will and Nicole get the answer (Mike) correct, Nicole wins. Not surprisingly, she's very unhappy about this, and whines about it for about a year. Dude, if she really didn't want to win this competition, then it's quite easy to lose it. Just throw the damn thing. Jesus. Anyway, Julie gives Will and Monica one last chance to appeal to Nicole to keep them in the house. Monica just tells Nicole that she's leaving the choice up to her. Will tells Nicole that he can't say anything she hasn't already heard. "Admit that you're the devil," Nicole snips. "There are times when you haven't been happy with me, I admit that," Will calmly responds. Then Nicole complains about winning some more. Hi, Nicole? You could have answered every single question wrong if you'd wanted to. So shut up. She tells Julie she's "too competitive" to throw the competition. Well, then, cram it.
Nicole is called into the Diary Room to talk about the upcoming eviction. Her pants are actually really cute; low slung, red, held up by a black belt with a sparkly buckle. Funky pants notwithstanding, Nicole is a wreck, as usual. In the Diary Room, she complains for hours as Julie bites the inside of her cheek to keep from falling asleep. She complains about Jeff, and says she's "worried about the nation," and that it's been so hard to support Monica (like Monica isn't having a horrible time herself), yada yada yada it's been a terrible weekcakes. Well, that's true. Everyone had a terrible week. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that pretty much everyone I know has had a rotten summer. But how rude is it to complain about how hard it is to be supportive of Monica, when Monica's the one who lost a loved one? Way to count your blessings, Nicole. Anyway, Nicole tells Julie that she didn't think she'd make it this far, although she thought she'd maybe make it to the middle point of the game. She admits that halfway through her stay in the house, she got sort of carried away with all the strategic aggressive backstaberry, but now she just feels really emotional. She's really nervous, she says, and she feels like she's going to vomit. Julie expresses no sympathy, but just sends her back to the living room to kick one of her housemates out on his or her ass.
So, back in the living room, Nicole starts in with the faux crying and sobs that this is an "ethical battle," that she thinks Monica is "amazing," and that she has "great admiration and respect for [Monica]." Nicole tells Will that he is "sometimes Beelzebub," but that he has "redeemable qualities." Where can I redeem them? 7-11? I'd like to redeem me some of that funny, evil Doctor Will, that's all I know. Nicole reminds Will that he's her nemesis. But she has to take into account her vow to Jeff to bring home the money. Therefore, she says, she needs to evict Monica. Cue the fake-ass tears. "Don't cry, Nicole," Monica says calmly, getting out of her chair. "This is just one of my journeys. I knew this, darling, so I'm not surprised. You're very competitive. This is about you winning. And that's all it is. So, it's not personal, darling," she says. Will stands up behind Monica, who is still talking. "I played a damn good game," she says, "I turned this place out. And I'm still gonna win. I never lost once. I'm not losing right now. I'm a bigger winner than you are and in my own life. So, no, baby. But I hope you spend the money the right way, because you got to remember, how you get money, you got to remember how you going to spend it, because that's the way it goes. So if you feel good in your heart about what you've done, then God bless you, and I wish you the best of damn luck." I can't improve on that, people. Monica stiffly hugs Nicole. "Very well said," Julie Chen lies. "Don't do that, don't get weepy like that," Monica tells the still-sobbing Nicole, as she starts for the door. "Come on, y'all," she says. I pause the tape here, and it's brilliant: Monica looks pissed, Nicole is crying, and behind them, Will has a gigantic smirk on his face. It's classic. I start the tape up again, and Will smothers his grin, as Nicole hopes that Monica understands why she was evicted. "I am not shocked, because I know who you are and I know how you roll," Monica tells her. "So I'm not surprised. I would have been surprised if you wouldn't have. You've got some things you need to work on, and you're going to be fine with them, but you're going to need to deal with this one for a very long time. Now, I'm not being mean and I'm not being negative, but I'm just telling you, that's just how it goes. Now, you have not shocked me again in this game. You've done exactly what I thought you would do. Okay?" Nicole says nothing in response. Monica turns to Will. "Hey, baby, it's on!" she tells him. "When we're out of here, it's on. When we come back to vote, baby, it's on!" Will grins and hugs her. Then Monica tells the two of them to be cool, and bails. After the door closes behind her, Will turns to Nicole, who's still snuffling. He hugs her.
In the studio, Julie enthusiastically tells Monica to "forget the handshake," and hugs her. Julie's shoes, again, are hot.
Back in the house, Will wonders whether Nicole really knew the answer to the car question, or whether she was guessing something she thought was incorrect. She doesn't really want to talk about the competition, she snaps. Will looks at her levelly and tells her that she handled the eviction "phenomenally well." He's such a liar. "[Monica] just totally shredded me," Nicole points out. Will reminds her that Monica has reason to be upset, under the circumstances.
Interview time! Monica is so sassy in this episode. I love it. Maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic, because I know the show is almost over, and I'll never forget how much pleasure her "my shit. Is good."/ "It's on!" repertoire gave us all. Monica tells Julie that she knew she'd never make it past the final three because, as Julie translates, she's "a threat." "That whole song and dance [Nicole] gave about her honeymoon and her husband -- that's crap," says Monica. Julie basically cracks up at this. "Whatever she needs to make herself feel better," Monica continues, as Julie laughs. Julie then asks what, exactly, Monica thinks Nicole "needs to work on." Monica nods maniacally, and dives into a whole laundry list of psychological problems, including "[Nicole's] controlling [sic], her self-esteem, and how she feels about people and life." That's a lot. Julie asks whether "it's on" now. Monica asserts that it is, in fact, on. "What does that mean?" Julie asks. You just know the people around the Big Brother production offices are telling each other that it's on, like, all the time. Like, "Someone jammed the copier and didn't fix it? That's it, it's on!" or "I swear to God, if Shirley reschedules this meeting one more time, it is going to be on!" Monica tells Julie that Nicole will not get her vote. Because it is, as she said, on. Julie introduces the videos Will and Nicole made for Monica, and Monica's reaction is genius. While Will wishes Monica the best and tells her how much he likes her, Monica ["and North America" -- Wing Chun] bounces up and down in her chair with glee and makes kissy faces at him. When Nicole performs her Fake-ola Tears of Regret, Monica ["and North America" -- Wing Chun] rolls her eyes dismissively and disgustedly. When the videos conclude, Monica explains that she and Will made peace with each other. "I knew there was another side to him," she says. And Nicole? Julie wonders. "That weepy stuff? That's for her, not for me," Monica says. She tells Julie that she "knew" all these people before she got there, so she knew how to deal with him. I think she means that she recognized their personality types. Or something. Anyhoo, Julie winds it all up by explaining that Monica's family isn't there, at Monica's request, but that she'll be reunited with them shortly. "Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family," Julie finishes. Monica nods.
Wow, the fewer challenges there are in an episode, the longer the recaps gets. That's because I hate recapping the challenges, of course. Because I'm lazy. Julie Chen pops back into the house to chit-chat with Nicole and Will, asking them how it feels to be in the finals. Nicole feels "surreal and confused." Will says being in the finals is "bittersweet." He misses his friends and family, and it's hard for him to be happy at such a down time, he says. Julie wonders whether they have any regrets. Nicole sneers that she regrets "less than some people," and points to Will. Nicole can't avoid being hateful even for five minutes, can she? She does admit that she regrets believing the whole UT story, and sniffs that what Monica just said to her was "hurtful." She also says that she regrets some of the venting she did in the Diary Room, because, she implies, it probably made her look bad. As for Will, he says he has a lot of regrets, but that he's not going to make apologies now, because it's too late to compensate. "I'm not going to question who I am," he says. Julie smiles winsomely at him, and signs off. "I love you, honey," Nicole calls after her, presumably to Jeff, but one never knows. Julie just turns away. Moded!
Outside, Will chatters about how much he likes Monica and how much he enjoyed his last week with her, as he unbuttons his shirt. That's right, baby, take it off. Take it all off. Nicole just snuffles. "I know people are going to ask you, 'How the hell did you live with that guy?' I don't know what you're going to tell them," Will says. Nicole doesn't respond. Actually, they're going to ask her why she's such a cranky pain in the ass.
Thursday. Finale time. At long last. Can I just tell you, I never thought this day would come. I feel like my child is graduating from high school. Or going to kindergarten. Or taking the SATs. Or something. Anyway, we get a long recap of last week's events -- events in the house, not in the world -- and then the credits, with all the evicted houseguests slid back into their old spots, and, finally, Julie Chen. For the last time! Unless, you know, you watch the CBS Early Show. Ending the show on a high note, Julie looks darling in a cropped beige leather jacket, dark jeans and a sparkly black t-shirt. ["I don't agree that she looks 'darling,' but I still love you, Jessica." -- Wing Chun] She reminds the audience that the houseguests have been informed of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, and that Monica's cousin Tamitha is still, sadly, missing. She then introduces a montage of Will and Nicole, which I originally suspect will be dull, but which actually proves to be full of charming Willisms, including my favorite: "If you got burned in this house, it's your own fault. Too bad, so sad." I am personally a great fan of the phrase "too bad, so sad." It's very useful, really. , there's a montage of each of the times Will and Nicole were nominated, including all three times Hardly nominated Will. Way to go, with that whole "I will destroy Will!" plan, Hardly. Will reminds us that he's a big old charming liar. "Some weeks I was just telling random lies, just to see what would happen," he says. This revelation is followed by an all too brief montage of Will's lies, including the number of time he muttered "sucker" under his breath after snowing Nicole and/or Hardly. I wish CBS would get on the ball and release that "The Best of Will" collection. I'd pay just to see the Lobster Riding Incident again. Or the time he won the giant peanut butter jar! Or the Big Blue Chair of the Unflattering Nicole Doll footage! Or the time he was blindfolded and he broke, like, all the furniture in the living room! Ah, Will. If Jenna from Survivor can get a gig on VH-1, then surely Will can take over for Carson Daly and put us all out of our misery. ["Oh my God, I totally said that to Kim and Sarah on ICQ last Thursday! That is spooky." -- Wing Chun] Julie asks Will and Nicole why they feel they ought to win the game. Will smarms that he's already won, since his only goal was to have a good time. Nicole, however, believes she deserves to win because she never lied to anyone. "I'm not Beelzebub. And he is," she says, pointing at poor Will.
Julie Chen informs us that, on Tuesday, the nine evicted houseguests returned to the CBS studios to talk about their experiences on the show, and question Nicole and Will. And man, their first little roundtable discussion is really vicious. Seems that people are still bitter. Before we get into that, though, we need to discuss Mike Boogie's mind-boggling ensemble, which consists of camo pants and a football jersey, which, hello, doesn't match at all. Worse, though, is the sideways Newsies cap that he's wearing on top of a sparkly white bandanna. I really can't think of enough words to adequately describe how freakish he looks. ["I also want to add that the night of the finale, I was wearing a pair of camo pants -- at least until this scene, at which time I went into the kitchen and set myself on fire." -- Wing Chun] He's also quite bitter, angrily snipping that Chill Town didn't "sit around and scheme," the way he believes the rest of them did. Mike, Mike, Mike; America didn't hate Chill Town because we thought you were scheming bastards. We just thought you were bastards. Anyway, people angrily yell in response to this. Bunky and Mike still hate each other. And Autumn! She's got these crazy extensions in her hair! She looks like a Barbie doll, with this tiny little face and all this long plastic hair. ["I thought she looked like Samuel L. Jackson in The Caveman's Valentine, myself. Glark thought she looked like John Travolta in Battlefield Earth." -- Wing Chun] Hardly sniffs that he's not denying any scheming. "Oh, you're not, now? Because you looked me in the eye in the house and denied it," Mike snips. He's such a whiny baby. God. Krusta is basically sitting on his lap, which is as sick-making as it sounds. Monica watches this entire argument go down with a little smile on her face. The camera pans to Shannon. Her bangs! Are hideous! Also, she's wearing a long, fake cubic zirconia necklace, which is equally hideous. She looks like she's on her way to a gig on the Home Shopping Network. Kent tells the camera that some houseguests are harboring ill feelings. Ya think? Krusta, for example, is still furious with Hardly, and Shannon is irritated by the mean things Bunky said about her in the Diary Room. "Duh. You weren't a nice person," Bunky says in the Voting Room for Evicted Houseguests. , the houseguests banter about Autumn's eviction, Bunky saying that he really wanted to keep her in the house, but that Hardly wouldn't allow it. Hardly mutters that Bunky shouldn't have let anyone tell him how to vote. Bunky rolls his eyes. , Mike apologizes to Sheryl for nominating her, and therefore dooming her to eviction. She's very gracious about it. Finally, they all agree they can't believe Will and Nicole are in the finals. Every day, Mike says, he wakes up and can't believe Will is in the house. "And not me," he thinks. There's some yammer about "playing the game," which is a phrase I will be happy never to hear again. Monica says she's disappointed in Hardly. Hardly says he feels manipulated by Nicole. Whatever.
Later, in their interviews, everyone pretends that they don't know whom they're going to vote for. Give me a break; everyone made up their mind before they even got on the plane. Kent snarks that trying to decide between Will and Nicole is like trying to decide "between an ingrown toenail and a rash." Everyone in the Voting Room blathers about how Will and Nicole "played the game." Boring! "Will is probably one of the most conniving, mischievous, deceitful people I've ever met," Hardly says. Yes, and we love him for it. And by the way, Hardly, "mischievous" isn't really all that insulting. Huck Finn was mischievous. Chipmunks are mischievous. Also, you don't pronounce it that way. "They will both reap what they sow," Monica says. I guess they're going to feel the reap.
Question and answer time. Sheryl asks Nicole to convince her that she should be the winner. Nicole says that she was as considerate as possible and "as truthful as I was allowed to be to stay in the game. I was more truthful than him [sic]." She points at poor beleaguered Will. Everyone, especially Monica, makes a face at this response. Will tells Sheryl that he doesn't have a great answer to that question. He came in the house to "mix things up," he says, and he did that.
Autumn and her whack-ass Barbie hair asks Will "what qualifies [him] to judge others." Oh, get over it, Autumn. Will, amusingly, responds that there are a "multitude of things" which allow him to be so judgmental. Mostly, he says, it's because he's just so smart. Autumn has no response that I can gauge from underneath that wig, and turns to Nicole, asking to whom she's been loyal. Nicole says some stuff about being as loyal as she could be to Autumn, Bunky, and Hardly. They all make disgusted faces. Shannon asks Nicole whether she feels that Chill Town was more evil than she was. "I don't know that I was evil," Nicole stutters. Shannon rolls her eyes, and asks Will where he sees himself in six months. "With you, painting the master bedroom of a cute little beach house," Will says. "Oh, he's the master," Mike crows at this, as Shannon grins. Before I make it completely clear that Will is more than welcome to paint the bedroom of my little beach house (okay, it's an apartment. But I can see the beach! If I get in the car and drive over the hill. But still!), I'd like to point out that Krusta is literally riding Mike Boogie right now. I don't know what's going on there, but it's very misguided. Mike asks whether Will is willing to finance 2Hype's first video. Will agrees to back 2Hype completely. Mike's hard-hitting question involves Nicole's recipe for fried rice, which she offers to come over and make for him. Wow, if Julie Chen doesn't want to work on Big Brother 3 (should such a thing come about), Mike is a shoo-in! Except for the part where the viewing audience hates him, and no one would watch because of an all-consuming fear that he would rap.
Kent asks Nicole whether she's "ashamed." She tells him that she's ashamed of throwing HoH the week that Kent was due for eviction, but reminds him that she threw that competition only because she "didn't have it in [her]" to nominate him. Kent rolls his eyes, and then basically thanks Will for saying, when they were nominated together, that Kent was the only one who had everyone figured out. Will shrugs and repeats that Kent did have it figured out, he was just stating the truth.
Krusta's . She asks Will about the fact that his throwing HoH led to the evictions of herself, Shannon, and Mike Boogie. Will agrees, and says that their evictions "will always weigh on [his] mind." By "always," I believe he means "for five minutes." But he came into the house planning to lose every competition, he says, and that's exactly what he did. Krusta nods and asks Nicole whether she believes in God. Nicole makes a confused face at this bizarre line of questioning, and says some stuff about "a higher power" and being "spiritual." Krusta makes a face. It's not like I'm on a hotline to heaven, or anything, but I really don't think God is all that approving of Krusta's Nyquil-swilling, maniac-macking, blow-up-doll-beating behavior, either. In other words, I don't like Nicole, but I don't think her spirituality or lack thereof should have any bearing on whether or not she takes home the money.
Bunky wonders what Nicole would be saying to them if Hardly were up there with her instead of Will. Why would she deserve the money more than Hardly? Nicole sobs dryly that if Hardly was to her, she would already have won. to her, Will rolls his eyes. Bunky asks Will how much money he plans to give to charity, should he win the half-mil. "Um, zero," Will says. Bunky makes a face.
, it's Hardly's turn. He wants to know why Will thinks Hardly ought to vote for him instead of Nicole. Will laughs, and says that they both know Hardly would never vote for him instead of Nicole. "Don't sell yourself short," Hardly says crabbily. Then he calls Nicole on selling him out when she asked Will what "Shannon would want him to do" during the week Nicole and Hardly were nominated together. Nicole acts all shocked and sputters, and includes the phrase "blah blah blah, this and that" in her artful self-defense.
Monica wonders why Nicole didn't get rid of Will the way Jeff asked her to. Nicole insists that she promised Jeff she'd win, and that promise took precedence over that other promise. Monica rolls her eyes, and turns to Will, asking if he still thinks she's "stupid." Will, no dummy, swears that he does not.
Finally, Will and Nicole give their final speeches to the jury. Nicole tells her former roommates that she originally planned to "just be herself" in the house, but "that didn't work," and everything "turned into a war." She swears that she tried to be "as honest as possible," but admits that she made some poor decisions. "I'm only human, and it's stupid dumb luck that I'm here," she says. She finishes up by claiming that she "learned a lot," and now she just wants to go home and see her husband. What's his name again? Because I don't think she's ever mentioned him.
And then it's Will's turn. And time for the craziest speech in the history of reality television. Will gets out of his chair, in the course of this speech, and walks around like a motivational speaker. An insane motivational speaker. It's hard to do this speech justice with mere words, frankly. According to the forums, it's very similar to the speech Tim Matheson gives at the end of Animal House, which Will and Nicole watched the evening before. I haven't seen Animal House in years, so I can't speak to that, but this speech is really...it's...yeah. I'm just going to transcribe it:
Um, okay. Evicted houseguests: I can stand before you today and I can talk about apologies, I could talk about remorse, I could talk about regrets, but there are two reasons I'm not going to. One, I think at this point, it'd be ingenuine [sic], and two, it's just not me. I know there are some people out there who are just not happy with the way this show went down, and they blame that on me. But the simple fact of the matter is, if you're not happy with this show, maybe you're not happy with reality-based TV in general [here, people exchange perplexed glances]. If you're not happy with reality-based TV, maybe you're not happy with, as the name suggests, reality. [By this point, Will has taken to walking all around the living room, pausing and pointing at the camera. If this isn't an audition for Jeff Probst's job, I don't know what is.] So if you're not happy with me, it might just be yourself you're not happy with. So don't place all the blame of this on me. Everyone needs to look within themselves. When we came in this house, that first night, it was all smiles; everyone held up a glass, we put some champagne in it, and we had a toast for the establishment of friendship on a firmer and more lasting basis. Did you all do that? Look around the room. You all need to learn to love each other. And we all need to learn to get along a lot better. On that note, I bid you a fond farewell. And I look forward to seeing you all very soon.
Will sits down. Mike covers his face. The first time I saw that, I was shell-shocked. What was my funny evil boyfriend doing?! But on the second time around, I realized that it was just a hysterical...okay, I still don't know what it was. But it was hysterical.
The consensus in the Voting Room is that no one has any idea what Will is smoking.
After a bunch of commercials, everyone is back in the studio with Julie Chen. It's a new day, and they're all decked out in new outfits. Autumn, for example, is dressed like a Ho-Bag Genie Barbie, in big fake eyelashes, the aforementioned extensions -- all curled and twirled -- a spangled, sequined cropped-top, and low-cut capri jeans. It's as trampalicious as it sounds. The left side of Shannon's hair looks like it was styled with a weedwacker. The worst, however, is Mike. Mike's outfit is just about the most horrible thing I've ever seen, and if there were any justice in the world, CBS would see fit to blur it out. He's wearing -- I can barely type this, so filled am I with loathing -- a baby blue leather basketball outfit (shorts and jersey) with "Chill Town" in script across the front. Seriously, think about that: a leather. Custom-made. Basketball jersey. With "Chill Town" on the front. And matching shorts. The horror! Julie chit-chats about the developments in all of their lives since eviction, as though we care, and like we all didn't just learn this two days ago. She asks how Monica is holding up in the face of recent tragic events. Monica says she's fine; she's ready to go back to New York City and "face it." She's "been getting nothing but love," she says, and that helps. Julie beams. She's in love with Monica. , more talk about Sheryl and the cancer. "I'm ready to go and tackle it and get it all out of the way and get on with my life," Sheryl says. Julie smiles sympathetically and tells Sheryl she's going to light a candle for her on October 1st, which must be the date Sheryl has scheduled her mastectomy. Good luck, Sheryl! As for Kent, he says he's still a non-smoker, and that his wife has also quit. "The divorce is pending, I'm sure," he snarks. Everyone chuckles. is Autumn. Her new hair makes her face look really small. She and Julie chat, but I don't care about Autumn, and everything she says is boring. Haven't we really gone through all of this already? Anyway, Bunky is , and he plugs his "Bunky Mania" tour, in which he's visiting a hundred cities in a hundred days in order to raise money for the Red Cross, the Humane Society, and the Special Olympics. "Fantabulous," Julie chirps. is Shannon, in an incredibly short and massively ugly light green dress that does her body no favors. And Shannon, as we all know, has a lovely body. So I can't even imagine how that outfit would look on someone who didn't work out seven hours a day. Also, the bangs? Still horrific. She, also, says nothing of interest. Hardly, up , weakly attempts to flirt with Julie, but tanks, as usual. Hardly clearly hasn't accepted that Julie's heart belongs to Will. She wonders whether he really does question Nicole's loyalty. Hardly self-righteously snips that he "wasn't quite done playing the game," and that he hopes Will bought his ruse and doesn't block his vote. Oh, Hardly. I know you're trying to be underhanded and clever, but somehow, you've just made yourself look pathetic and childish. He and Shannon chortle about the toothbrush incident, and pat each other on the arm and knee and say all is forgiven and I want to die now.
But not as much as I want to die during this segment. Julie turns to Mike Boogie and Krusta and asks about the status of their relationship. Krusta kind of stammers and Mike tells her he'll field the question. "I'm probably the first person ever to say something like this in a leather basketball outfit," he begins, "but [Krusta], I want to tell you something." He takes her hand. "I came into this house looking for a lot of things. I had a lot of emptiness in my heart. And you filled the void within my heart. Destiny shined down upon us, putting a small-town girl from Louisiana in a house with a small-town boy from New Hampshire." This is so gross, I almost have to look away. "So, I want to know, [Krusta]," he continues, getting down on one knee and taking out a small velvet box! "No, you didn't!" Monica yells, to Krusta. Krusta covers her face with her hands. ["Me too. In the room, as I sob with horror." -- Wing Chun] Shannon's mouth drops wide open. "Will you marry me?" Mike asks. And my head explodes all over the sofa and then I vomit, and then my eyeballs fall out of my head and then I turn to stone and then I drop dead, and then I return from the dead and Mike is still on his knees and I reach for the pen on the coffee table and stab it through my ears into my brain and dig it around and pray to erase the portion of my brain that handles short-term memory. Krusta looks pretty turned-to-stone herself, and just sits there. I can see the wheels turning in her head: scream and run, or run screaming. "Yes or no?" Mike squeaks. "Yes," Krusta squawks. And chaos ensues. Mike slips the ring on her finger, as the rest of their former roommates try to keep from losing their collective minds. "Oh my God, I love you," Krusta says. They kiss. I wish I were blind. "Well, all right," Julie says, hysterically, before asking who plans to move where in the course of this disastrous marriage. Mike admits that they haven't really talked about any of that. Krusta looks like she needs a drink. More than usual. Julie realizes that she can't top this and sends them all back into the house.
As the former houseguests scamper back toward the house, the phrase "Oh my God" is uttered between the studio and the front door approximately seven hundred times.
Inside the house, Will and Nicole are just sitting there when the doorbell rings. Will gets up to answer it, and takes forever to actually reach the door, stopping on the way to straighten his pant leg, and fiddle with his hair, and talk to Nicole, and arrange his shirt. He finally makes it to the front of the house, and opens the door. Everyone squeals. Mike jumps Will, revealing that the back of his God-forsaken jersey reads "Boogie." "Boogie"! For the love of humanity! ["He should be in jail for that outfit." -- Wing Chun] As Will extricates himself from Mike in order to greet Shannon, the rest of the guests make their way to the living room. Hardly runs over to Nicole and tells her that he was just playing Will when he said all that mean stuff earlier. As they embrace, Nicole spies Autumn over Hardly's shoulder and gives her an hysterical "what the fuck are you wearing?" look. Out in the hallway, Will is still embracing his demon mistress. Monica and Krusta are talking about the Proposal That Cannot Be Named. Once Will extricates himself from Shannon, he and Bunky hug and scream gleefully at each other. Then he runs over and kisses Monica.
Voting, at long last. Will and Nicole are each allowed to exclude a vote. Before they do so, Nicole expresses deep shock that Mike and Krusta are engaged. Join the club, babe. Will goes first with the exclusion thing. He excludes Bunky's vote, and I scream in agony. Why? Why? Has Hardly snowed him? No! Will! No! Will says that Bunky is the only person in the house who was completely honest and loyal, and that he thinks he'll stick to his early alliance with Nicole, no matter what. So Bunky gets up, and he did vote for Nicole. Okay, Will is now officially smarter than I am. Bunky explains his vote by saying that he was not voting for Nicole, he was voting against Will, in order to let Will know that "his mind games" didn't work, and because Will doesn't want to give any money to charity, and because his speech was arrogant and jerky. Will nods. Nicole eliminated Shannon's vote, "for obvious reasons." Shannon pulls herself up off the sofa, probably giving Hardly a gander at her girly bits. Not that he cares about girly bits, natch. Shannon did vote for Will. "I think we all know why," she smirks. And now, for the real voting. If Nicole wins, I will just die.
Autumn and her Super Indestructible Barbie Hair votes for Nicole, even though she thinks Will "played one hell of game." But he's a meanie and she hates him and she thinks he stinks!
Krusta and her Shiny Ring of Horror votes for Will. "I do believe you will make amends for [sic] us somehow," she says. That means, by the way, "Give me some money." She tells Will he played an excellent game. "You're a puppetmaster, baby," she says. And then she sits down and wonders how she can get out of marrying Mike.
Hardly votes for Nicole. Duh. He tries to do the Patented Will Fake-Out, looking at Will during the "I voted for..." section of his spiel, before saying Nicole's name. Hardly, Hardly, Hardly. You're not as funny as Will. You never will be. Join a male exotic dancing troupe, and get on with your life. He says some crap about how loyal he is, and how that gets him in trouble sometimes, but that he just can't help it, he's too good a person. He's just too good! " I may have seen some things I didn't appreciate," he tells Nicole, "but I pledged my loyalty to you, and I mean that, no matter what."
Mike votes for Will, naturally. He says Will played the game "a little bit better" and that he had to honor his friendship. "Chill Town, baby," he says. "I had to be loyal to the end, and I hope you appreciate it." In other words, "Buy Belly for me, please."
Kent and his little American flag pin gets up and pulls out his key. "I vote for Will to win," he says solemnly. "This game pales in comparison to the anguish the American people have felt in the last few days since September 11th. I thought you played the game the best." People nod.
Nicole looks like she might cry as Sheryl gets up and says this is the hardest choice she's ever made. But she choose Will, and again pulls out the "he played the game the best" line. Will, realizing he's just won, smiles mildly. Nicole pats him on the arm. Julie reminds everyone they have to reveal each vote, and asks Monica to reveal hers. "It's on!" Will says. "Yes, it's on," Monica replies. "I told you it'd be on when I got back." She leans over and removes Will's key, and tells him she's not mad at him, she voted for him, and she loves him. "Congratu-damn-lations," she says. When she finishes speaking, Mike leaps on Will and starts humping him. Everyone gets up and the hugging and the laughing and the patting starts up again. When Will hugs Bunky, he tells him that he's going to give him some money to his charities. Bunky smiles. Julie announces that Jeff and Will's brother Ian are outside, and Nicole runs over Hardly in her psychotic attempt to return to her husband.
Jeff and Ian stand around in the yard. Jeff looks about a hundred years old, probably prematurely aged due to the stress of being married to Nicole. Ian? Still hot. Nicole flings herself on Jeff and sobs. Will tells Ian to "fuel up the jet, [they're] going to Vegas." People mill around.
Finally, Nicole and Will get to sit down and talk to Julie Chen. Both of them seem very calm. I think they're just happy the whole thing is over. While Will claims to be surprised by his win, Nicole says she knew she was toast after she heard the tough questions her former roommates lobbed at her on Tuesday. Julie asks Will what he plans to do with his money. He tells her that he really had fun on the show, and that he plans just to waste the money. Since this episode aired, however, Will has told the press that he plans to donate some of the cash to the September 11th relief funds. See, he isn't entirely made of stone! Nicole admits that Will did play a better game than she did, and swears that she wasn't really herself during the game. The "Real Nicole," she swears, is much nicer and not nearly as psychotic. On the other hand, Will says he was very much himself, just on a higher level. What everyone saw on television was Will at 10, while he usually functions at 5. Julie flutters her lashes at him, and tells him that the producers and crew all have favorite lies of his, and wonders what his own favorite lie is. "The time I got kicked out of the Air Force Academy for getting in a fight in the mess hall," Will begins. "I didn't get arrested at Disney World for beating up Goofy," he continues. "And I didn't kill someone with a piano wire and spent a year in juvenile detention. Sorry about that," he finishes. , Julie plays a little word-association game with them, asking them to pick one word to describe each of their former housemates. On the whole, Will and Nicole are very complimentary, although it's quite funny to see Will struggling not to call Hardly "gay" and instead dubbing him "competitive." Will also calls Kent an "American hero" because "he voted for [Will]." Finally, Julie asks them to describe each other. Nicole calls Will "incredibly intelligent," and Will claims to have "nothing but wonderful things to say about Nicole." Finally, Julie congratulates both of them on their victories. Everyone smiles pretty for the camera.
And that's it. That's all. There ain't no more. All of the houseguests gather around the camera and cheerfully wave goodbye. We close the season with shots of the Big Brother house. It's empty, like my heart, now that I have nothing to recap. Well, for a couple of weeks, anyway. See you all over at Dawson's Creek where I can only try to be even half as funny as Sars, and at The X-Files, where I can only hope not to kill myself. It's going to be on!