Saturday. This is possibly the most boring episode of Big Brother yet. Seriously. I've been more interested in segments on the Home Shopping Network. I've been more interested in infomericals, for Pete's sake, especially that one with the infusion cookware and Florence Henderson and the chick who used to play Janet on All My Children, where apparently you can throw, like, raw frozen meat and uncooked pasta and tomatoes into a pot, and then leave for ten minutes and then when you come back, it's perfectly cooked lasagna? I'm always about two seconds away from buying that stuff, and then Janet will be all, "This set of infusion cookware can be yours for eight low monthly payments of $99," and then I do the math and angrily change the channel. That's more interesting than this episode.
Appropriately, we kick off with Hardly walking into the living room, scratching his balls. Then he goes and shakes Bunky's hand. A real class act, that Hardly.
Outside, Bunky and Will play basketball and talk about how screwed they are, now that Hardly's Head of Household again. Will's gotten a haircut, somehow, and it's very attractive. Will points out that every single time Hardly gets HoH, he nominates Will.
In the Big Blue Chair of Inching Toward Insanity, Nicole says that she has to make sure she wins HoH week, so that she can "hold up [her] end of the bargain."
In the Big Blue Chair of Booooring!, Hardly talks about being Head of Household, and how hard it is and what a responsibility, and all the things that's happened while he was Head of Household in the past and then the sound of my own snoring wakes me up in time to hear him talk about each of his housemates, and the pros and cons of nominating each of them. Nicole is the Tina Wesson to his Colby Donaldson, so of course, he isn't going to nominate her. Bunky, on the other hand, "is a serious threat." As for It'sOnica, "If it's [It'sOnica] and [Hardly] in the final two, then something's gone horribly wrong with [Hardly's] plan. Heh." Yeah, you're not funny, Hardly. Moving along to someone who is, Hardly tells the camera that Will "is the court jester." Hardly says he's having a particularly difficult time with these nominations because he doesn't really dislike anyone anymore.
, the producers devote what feels like 'round-the-clock coverage to Will's hair. Long story short? Will's hair was really long. Now it's not. The only thing that prevents this segment from actually boring me to death is Will. Because, you know, he's funny and all. "Is it weird, having a boyfriend whose hair is a lot more beautiful than yours?" Will asks Shannon, in a flashback. Shannon smirks. In the now, Will muses that he'd like to have his own line of hair products. Dude, I would totally pick up some Evil Doctor Pump It Up! Volumizing Spray or Evil Doctor At Loose Ends Deep Conditioning Treatment at the beauty supply store. I would also happily be the copywriter for Evil Doctor, Inc. Anyway, pre-haircut, Will's hair is truly enormous. Nicole cuts it out on the patio. "I was sitting in the chair," Will says, "and I could hear Nicole sharpening the scissors behind me. I didn't know if she was going to start cutting my hair, or just stab them straight into my neck." Nicole manages to control herself, though, and does an excellent job with Will's new 'do. "Man, I like my haircut so much, I only wish I was on a TV show so everyone could see it," Will tells his reflection in the mirror.
Later, Will, Hardly, and Nicole are out on the patio, and Hardly is about to turn in. He asks Nicole for a massage. She tells him she'll be inside after she finishes her tea. Then she and Will talk about caffeine for, like, forty-five minutes. When Nicole is sure Hardly is out of earshot, she congratulates Will on entertaining Hardly so well, like Hardly is her colicky baby and Will is the only person who will watch him so that she can take a shower and have five minutes to herself. Will says, seemingly genuinely, that he has a really good time with Nicole and Hardly, and points out that it sure would be nice to be in the final three among people with whom you actually enjoy spending time. Will then claims for the seventeen thousandth time that he's the weakest player in the house.
In the Diary Room, Will hopes aloud that Nicole will save him if he gets nominated this week.
Nicole tells the camera that Will drives her crazy, but, at the same time, she considers him a good friend.
Back at the conversation on the patio, Nicole admits that it would be hard for her to vote Bunky out of the house. Will is all, you can't vote me out! He suggests that maybe Hardly could nominate It'sOnica and Bunky. Nicole snippily reminds him that she can't make Hardly do anything. She sighs. "I guess I'd better...I have to give him a fucking back rub. Shit," she groans. Will laughs and suggests that she tell Hardly she's too tired. "I am, but he needs to talk to me. And you need me to go talk to him," Nicole says pointedly. Will agrees with this, and starts up with the "weakest person in the house" stuff, but Nicole tells him to cut that shit out, because she's sick of it.
Hardly tells Nicole that his "brain is racing" with the possibilities that could come from the upcoming nominations. "Will they try to break us up?" he wonders. Nicole says nothing. Hardly points out that the rest of the house would be nuts not to try to destroy his alliance with Nicole, what with them having the power of two and all.
In the Diary Room, Nicole explains that she and Hardly have control over the upcoming vote. If there's a tie, Hardly is the tiebreaker. He is, in effect, the swing vote. She and Hardly talk some more strategy in the kitchen. She says she'll vote out Will if she has to, but she can't imagine having to live with Bunky and It'sOnica for another week. "There are a lot of people on [the memory wall] who will be pissed if I don't get [Will] out of here," Hardly whines. Guess what? Most of them already hate you, Hardly.
The week of PB & J ends at 12:01 AM. We get to watch the housemates count down from 11:59 PM. Yeah, it's riveting television, watching people count to 120.
, the roommates play Jenga, in preparation for the upcoming food competition. News flash: the only thing more boring than playing Jenga is watching other people play Jenga.
, the food competition. More Jenga.. Blah blah blah thanks to their careful preparation and teamwork, the housemates earn themselves plenty to eat. Oh, and also, Hardly is a big old jerk with no sense of humor whatsoever.
God, this is boring. C-SPAN is better than this. In fact, right now, on C-SPAN, some old white guy is talking about Lewis and Clark, and it's way more interesting than this. Over on QVC, they're selling White Mountain Water-Resistant Suede Side Zip Mid-Heel Ankle Boots in forest green, and that's fascinating, compared to this. On Passions right now...okay, clearly, Passions is going to be more interesting than Big Brother, especially considering the current Theresa-is-accidentally- married-to-Julian- Crane/Ethan-and-Luis- are-out-in-a- monsoon-again story lines. Anyhoo. Big Brother. The houseguests get to weigh themselves. Wow, nothing is more exciting than watching other people talk about their body fat. Will is pleased to have gained eleven pounds. It'sOnica is pleased to have lost five. Hardly has gained six. Bunky has lost thirteen! The houseguests are also given a fat caliper; Will calls it "the fat-ometer," which doesn't speak well for his qualifications either as a doctor or as a self-obsessed pretty boy. Hardly is appalled to see that his body fat is a whooping 13%. Appalled! Later, Nicole shoves everyone out of the storage room and steps on the scale. She's gained four pounds. Horrified, she insists that the weight must be muscle. "What?" Will scoffs in the Diary Room. "It's fat! It's fat. P.S. You're getting fat!" Hee! Poor Nicole. But I think, daily workouts aside, it would be alarmingly easy to gain weight in that house. You don't have anything to do, really, other than eat, and it's not like they have a treadmill, or something.
Bunky is depressed because he thinks he might be nominated this week, so he climbs into the hot tub for some daily affirmations. "Have fun. Enjoy every day. Don't beat yourself up," he tells himself. "Have a good time. Enjoy every day. Have fun. Enjoy every day."
Hardly and Bunky are working out on the patio, and Hardly is so mean to Bunky, bellowing for a spot while Bunky is in the middle of a sentence, and then calling him a "trained dog." I'm sure his grandma is really proud of him now.
"As far as I can tell, [Hardly's] turning to the dark side," Will tells the camera. "He's dyed his hair black, he's got these bags under his eyes, and now he's smoking cigarettes." It's true; generally cigarette-smoking men are bad, bad news. At least on television. And not only is Hardly smoking, he's gotten himself addicted to the cigs. Unfortunately for him, he's run out of them. Hardly tries to broker a trade with Bunky, PowerBars for cigarettes, but Bunky's driving what Hardly feels is an unreasonably hard bargain: one PowerBar per cigarette. He really holds firm to this, and good for him. Bunky figured out, weeks ago, that the cigarettes would be good bartering material, and they are. While Bunky is amused by Hardly's increasing desperation to get some nicotine, Hardly is not. He basically threatens to nominate Bunky if Bunky doesn't give him a better deal. Bunky just smiles, and sticks to his guns. He knows he's toast this week anyway. Where was this spine last week? "That wasn't a smart maneuver," Hardly grouses, as Bunky refuses, for the twelfth time, to bargain. In the Diary Room, Will wonders where Bunky found his backbone: "He's like the new big gay guy on campus." It'sOnica is proud of Bunky for sticking to his guns. "You can't let people chop you down," she tells him. Bunky tells her that he's not going to kiss Hardly's butt anymore. "I don't need to take all this crap that I've been taking from people, and I'm going to start telling people what I think," he announces. Hey, I think that was a little story arc we just saw there! From Crying Baby to Black Market Cigarette Dealer: The Bunky McBunky'sLastName Story.
Hardly and Nicole enter yet another of their seemingly endless and definitely boring strategy sessions. Nicole admits that she feels bad about voting Bunky out of the house. She'd really like Hardly to nominate Bunky and It'sOnica, so that they can get rid of It'sOnica, but she'll do whatever Hardly wants her to do. Hardly snits that the most viable threat to their success is Bunky. In the Diary Room, Nicole wonders whether there's any way Hardly could turn against her, and stab her in the back.
The segment is devoted to how funny Will is, which is hardly news to me. Nicole's theory is that Will's humorous antics are designed solely to keep him in the house. Personally, I think Will is just naturally funny. He might be turning it up to increase his chances of being kept around, but his being funny isn't a put-on. In the Big Blue Chair of Bringing the Funny, Will admits that he's proud of being funny, and that he hopes, maybe, that'll help him out when it comes time for people to vote. Later, at dinner, Hardly says, "I like my meat like I like my women." People chew. "What? Rare?" Will quips. Oh, burn! What follows is a montage of Funny Will: Will talking to vegetables in funny voices; Will re-enacting Titanic in the pool; Will flinging himself under the outside shower and screaming. People laugh. Even sour, crabby Nicole laughs. Then she's inwardly furious at Will for breaching her cranky and inhuman exterior.
So Hardly goes to Will and makes a deal; Will agrees not to nominate Nicole and Hardly together if they save him this week. They shake hands. In the Diary Room, Will smirks. "I clearly would nominate them both," he says. "I would stab them both in the back and leave them to bleed on the kitchen floor and I wouldn't even clean it up. And if I did, I'd use a dirty towel and leave it on the bathroom floor." With no regrets, right? In the kitchen -- the scene of the deal -- Hardly tells Will that there's a distinct possibility that Nicole, Hardly, and Will will be the final three, if Will behaves himself. "Hardly made a deal with me and he is too dumb to even realize what just happened," Will says. God, let's all hope so.
Nominations at last: it's Will and Bunky. No one is surprised -- not the housemates, not the people dozing on their sofas all over North America. Hardly only cries a little bit during his speech, excusing the tears by saying that he has something in his eye. Mascara, maybe? In the Big Blue Chair of Sing It, Will!, Will says that "[Hardly] has no power. He doesn't have anything. He's just a little boy with freaky dyed hair and a puffed-up chest."
Tuesday. Blee blah blee blah blee. "The [Hardly tower] will crumble eventually. I want to be around for that," It'sOnica says. "Two-point conversion. Horseradish."
Hardly repeats that Will isn't as big a thre-- whatever. Seriously, how many times has he said that? From now on, I'm just going to block out Hardly's dull strategic blather.
Bunky tells the camera that he doesn't feel a whole lot of love for Hardly, and that he never did! Hardly's too high-maintenance and short-tempered for his taste, he says.
On the patio, Bunky asks Nicole whether he's on his last week in the Big Brother house. She won't say. The best part of this conversation is a flashback to Will, blindfolded, running into things in the house. Ah, Will. I believe that hilarious blow-up doll/luxury challenge was when my love for you truly blossomed.
After Nicole tells Bunky a whole lot of nothing, and then stomps inside the house, Bunky tells It'sOnica that Nicole just wants him to kiss her ass. "I'm not going to do that," he says, dubbing Hardly and Nicole "Bully and the Bitch."
Will, Bunky, and Monica sit in the back yard and stare into space. Bunky and his stiff upper lip remind the other two that they do get the final say; they get to come back and vote.
Luxury challenge time. The housemates are given small foam dolls, which they are instructed to paint like themselves. And Nicole freaks out. She hates arts and crafts, she says. She refuses to paint her doll. "I'm not trying to bitch, but I hate it, I hate it, I hate it," she tells the camera. Good try, there. She spits that she'd rather go out and shave her head bald. She'd rather lie in a pit of snakes. Excellent challenges, all, by the way. I'd love to see Nicole shave her head bald and roll around in a pit of snakes. So Nicole allows Will to paint her doll. And, not surprisingly, Will's version of Nicole is rather unflattering, with a big ass, and stray pubic hair peeking out of her swimsuit. Nicole, naturally, is pissed. Uh, Nicole? You should have done it yourself. Also, have you met Will? Of course he created an ugly, funny doll. It's Will. He has no respect for anything. In the Diary Room, Will describes the doll as "a very angry woman. She has one eye. It's a very a piercing eye. It's used mainly for finding dirty towels on the floor, and it's also used for finding kids who are having a good time, and yelling at them [Will adopts a high, whiny voice, and starts dancing the doll around the Big Blue Chair], 'Pick up your towels, no one's allowed to talk, I'm freaking out about everything, Will, don't have any fun, don't have any fun, don't have any fun.'" Indeed, outside, Nicole is bitching to Hardly about Will. Shoulda just done your own doll, Nicole. In the Diary Room, Will eyes the Nicole doll. "I can't go back out there with this, or she'll kill me," he muses.
On the patio, Nicole and It'sOnica discuss the ill-fated UT alliance. It'sOnica somehow manages to convince Nicole that UT was not a big deal, making Nicole think that Will lied to her about it, when, of course, in this case Will was actually telling her truth. Really. He was. Get out your flow charts, and check. "[It'sOnica] made it quite evident that I'm a dumb-ass," Nicole bitches. I find it hard to believe that It'sOnica could make anything "quite evident." Anyway, Nicole's all pissed, because she feels duped by Will. Frankly, I think Nicole is all pissed, all the time, and she's actually relieved when she finds a concrete excuse for it.
Luxury challenge, part deux. The prize? A helicopter tour of Los Angeles. Everyone is pretty stoked at the prospect of leaving the house, and sets to the challenge with enthusiasm. With the help of helium tanks, they make little hot air balloons for their dolls. The first two people to float their balloons over the backyard wall win. Bunky uses his "party planning experience" to come in a close second to Will, who won thanks to his own ample supply of hot air. Bah dum dum! Thanks folks, I'll be here all week. They're thrilled; the rest of the houseguests look crestfallen. "It'd be nice to know that a world outside of here exists," Hardly says in the Diary Room. "It's really a phenomenal, phenomenal award to win," he finishes. Note to Hardly: it's a helicopter ride, not the Nobel Prize in Chemistry.
Bunky and Will are blindfolded and led out to the parking lot, where the helicopter picks them up. On the way to the out-building where the blindfolded winners are passed off to the Big Brother producers, Hardly walks Bunky into a wall. Everyone giggles. In the Diary Room, Will says he considered donating his trip to Nicole, since she's been so down. "Just kidding!" he chirps, "I'm keeping this and there's no way I'm letting anyone else use it. I've always wanted to go in a helicopter and no one can take this from me!" Hardly admits that he's a bit jealous of Bunky and Will, but Nicole is outright furious, and gripes that, first, she wants that helicopter ride, and, second, she wants to kick the crap out of Will. That Nicole -- so gracious and such a good sport.
In the helicopter, Will and Bunky crack me up by calling each other "Woodchuck" and "Gray Squirrel." Will asks for the kosher meal. Bunky quips that the pilot sounds cute. Down in the back yard, Hardly and It'sOnica wave as they take off. "Can you see them, Will?" Bunky asks. "No, but I'll take your word for it. I don't like those people anyway," Will snarks. Back in the Big Blue Chair of Speaking for The Audience, Will says that he appreciates Bunky as a person, and that Nicole is "the most depressed person [he's] ever seen in [his] life, and [he] [doesn't] want to sit alone with her any place, any where." Indeed, back at the house, Nicole is lolling in a patio chair like a consumptive waiting to die. Then she runs inside the house and flings herself into her bed. Hardly looks at It'sOnica and comments that he's not wild about Nicole's current attitude.
Later, in the kitchen, Nicole pisses and moans to Hardly. Hardly's body language just screams "uncomfortable!" in this scene: his arms are crossed across his chest as tightly as possible.
Meanwhile, the boys are having a great time, looking at the Hollywood sign, downtown Los Angeles, the Griffith Park Observatory, and Dodger Stadium. It's a pretty clear day, and they're getting a great view of Los Angeles. When they buzz the Playboy Mansion, Will tells the pilot just to put the helicopter down in the yard. "Hef and I are on first name basis," he snarks. Bunky laughs, and hands Will a gourmet sandwich. They take pictures of each other. They smile! They laugh! Will chirps that it was a great gay date! Finally, they swing around the Santa Monica pier, and probably fly right over my house on the way back to Burbank.
Back at the house, Hardly tells Nicole she has to chill out, but she responds that she hates Will and wants to kill him. She's so pissed about...yeah, I don't even know what she's so pissed about. She's just angry, mostly for the sake of being angry, I suspect. And Hardly is sort of exhausted by her.
Eventually, Will and Bunky return. And Nicole can't even greet them. While Hardly and It'sOnica enjoy hearing about the trip and eating the food Bunky and Will brought back for them, Nicole bars herself in the HoH room and mopes. Eventually, Will pokes his head in, and offers her a salad and some champagne. She totally freezes him out, not taking the food and barely even speaking to him. Will tells the camera that he doesn't care about Nicole anyway, and that he's not going to let her ruin the day for him. Hardly tells him that, basically, Nicole is tired of his shenanigans, and advises Will to give her a wide berth.
Dinner. Nicole is being bitchy, as usual. The topic turns to sexuality, and somehow Bunky is roped into talking about which of his housemates may have had a gay experience, in his opinion as a gay man, and, apparently, a psychic. Bunky's all, no one will get upset if I'm honest, right? And they're all, no! No way! Not at all! Never! So Bunky says that when he first saw Hardly, he hoped he was gay, and was disappointed to hear that he wasn't. Nicole points out that that wasn't the question. Bunky rolls his eyes and says that he suspects Hardly has occasionally found other men attractive, but he won't allow himself to act on the attraction. "I think that you're bisexual," he tells Hardly straight out. Nicole's eyes basically pop out of her skull as Bunky explains that he doesn't think Hardly is, like, hot for men half the time and for women half of the time, that it's more like an 80/20 split, that he's more into girls than boys. Everyone looks at Hardly, who just sort of smiles. In the Big Blue Chair of You Know He's Right, Hardly, Hardly says that Bunky is wrong!
America's Choice: the housemates get a "shopping spree" in their own living room. Will is wearing a fringed neon green shirt. If anyone needs a shopping spree, it's him. So, anyway, they shop. They pile shit on, shirt over shirt over shirt. At the end of the ninety seconds, It'sOnica's scored some sweet tan knee-high stiletto-heeled boots, and I want them. Hardly is wearing a turtleneck in the Diary Room, talking about the challenge, and I have no problems with turtlenecks on a man, but....in August? In the Valley? Jesus Christ, people. The shopping spree seems to have vaguely cheered up Nicole. Like, now she's only somewhat homicidal, instead of entirely.
Later, Nicole's shopping high wears off, and she stomps into the kitchen to confront Will. She's wicked pissed. And I don't even know why this time. Is she still angry about the lying? Is he too chipper? Too amusing? Too much fun? She tells him he's "outright a bastard." Basically, she can't take him making fun of her. Jesus, Nicole, just fucking chill. He responds with some bland diplomatic spin, and Nicole tells him that he's lucky she had two days to simmer down, or she would have voted him off. But she's not going to, she says, unless he drives her to "whatever." I have no idea what Nicole's even talking about. She's got a bad case of It'sOnicaitis. In the Big Blue Chair of Chill!, Nicole says she won't stand for [Will's] disrespect anymore. Period. "I think Nicole's living in denial, and I'm not talking about that river in Egypt," Will tells the camera. "The simple fact is, she likes me and wants me to like her, and I don't. Nicole, are you crazy? If I stay in this house, of course I'm going to stab you in the back and nominate you and Hardy." From your lips to God's ears, Will. In the Big Blue Chair of Nicole is Blind, Nicole muses that she thinks she got through to Will. "I try to teach everyone the deep dark, dankest dungeon that I call my heart and no one pays attention!" Will explains in the Diary Room. Out in the yard, he says some more pseudo-trustworthy crap to Nicole, and she buys it all, and then walks inside. And Will looks right into the camera, winks, grins wildly, and wiggles his brows evilly.
Monday meeting. Nicole tells the group that she and Will have brokered a new peace for their time. Will and Bunky are supposed to argue their cases here, but both of them just say they're having fun and would like to stay in the house to have more fun and blah blah blah. Bunky only cries a little bit!
Hardly tells the camera that "nothing short of a catastrophe" can sidetrack his plan.
Nicole tells us that Will is safe...for now. And leaves me for forty-eight hours of painful worry about my funny, evil boyfriend.
Thursday. Another live show. Another filler-tastic extravaganza. The "previously on..." segment shows Hardly telling Bunky to "play hide and go fuck off" and I realize I forgot to include that a couple of pages up, when I was talking about Hardly and what a jerk he is. So: Hardly told Bunky to "go play hide and go fuck off." He's such a jerk! There.
So, Julie Chen looks cute in a sort of '80s-inspired light pink suit with a knee-length skirt, zippered jacket, low-slung gold-chain belt, and really, really hot open-toed slingback Barbie shoes. I want those shoes. To wear around the house with my overalls and tank top. She talks about a whole lot of nothing.
Inside the house, Hardly tells Bunky he's "influenced [Hardly] in a positive way. Of course, we have our moments." Moments like Hardly yelling at Bunky and bossing him around and then the two of them snapping at each other and thinking how much they secretly loathe the other.
According to what I can gather from her sessions in the Diary Room, It'sOnica is really pissed about the way Nicole and Hardly act on a daily basis, all bossy and bitchy. "They're not my mom and daddy," It'sOnica says.
Will tells us that every day, he wakes up and reminds himself not to piss off Nicole. "You know how some people have issues?" he asks Bunky. "Nicole has a subscription." Indeed she does, my funny evil boyfriend. Indeed, she does.
Bunky tells the camera that he and Will both want Hardly out. On the other hand, they both really hate Nicole. So does It'sOnica. So does America. And Canada. It's hard, Bunky implies, to decide which of them is the more disliked.
Bunky tells us that he tried to convince Nicole to keep him in the house. He talks to Hardly, to try to make a deal with him, but Hardly doesn't go for it. Hardly is convinced that Will can't win the game. Bunky just gives Hardly a look and tells him to think about that. Yeah, hello? Chill Town is in the voting booth. If it comes down to Hardly versus Will...do the math, pretty boy. Actually, what the hell am I saying? I hate Hardly now and Will is my evil, funny boyfriend. Don't do the math, Hardly! Run from the math!
"Some village is missing their idiot if [Hardly and Nicole] think I'm not going to stab them in the back," Will says in the Diary Room. On the outside, of course, he's going into overtime, convincing Nicole and Hardly that he's trustworthy and will uphold his end of their deal. In the Big Blue Chair, Will does that trick where you loudly pop your finger out of your mouth, like a lollipop. "[Hardly's] a sucker," he says. In the yard, Will further reassures Nicole that he's not going to nominate her and Hardly together if they keep him around. She nods and goes inside. "Sucker," he mutters.
Family filler. Will's brother Ian talks about Will, but all I hear is, "Hello, Jessica. I'm incredibly good-looking. Will and I are both very attractive. Look at my lustrous hair. Don't you want to run your fingers through it? If you're nice, I might take off my shirt. Also, Will wants to own a zoo."
Then it's Gregg's turn. He talks totally normally. I don't know what was up with him when he was reading his letter to Bunky, y'all, because he doesn't seem to have any kind of speech impediment now. Anyway, Gregg loves Bunky. He tells us that Bunky has a developmentally disabled sister, so he's sensitive to the word "retarded." I'd like to point out that Bunky is sensitive to everything. ["Ha! That's what Glark said, too." -- Wing Chun] "[Bunky] used to have hair," Gregg says. "Well, on his head." Oh, Gregg! So funny. Gregg also thinks that Will has been a good influence on his wussy little husband, and vice versa. "[Bunky] better win, dammit," Gregg says, and chuckles.
Now, Julie gives us a peek of Gregg in the green room, waiting with Ian and...aw, shit. Shannon. She smirks at the camera and weighs the pros and cons of putting the moves on Ian.
Big Blue Chair of Monglish. It'sOnica explains that Will is funny. But he used to be mean. And she hasn't forgotten. But it could go both ways. Fettuccine. Milk Bones. Mies van der Rohe.
Time for Julie Chen to talk to the kids. She tells Nicole that Nicole looks beautiful, but I think Nicole's two-tiny-ponytails-on--the-top-of-her-head hairdo make her look like a Spice Girl.. An old Spice Girl. Old Spice, as it were. They yammer about Nicole's needing to win HoH this week, and then Nicole bursts into flames. Julie then turns to It'sOnica and wonders how she's stayed in the game so long. "My honesty," It'sOnica explains. "My truth. I don't lie. I'm straightforward. I repeat things four times, casting a spell on my housemates, causing them to forget I'm even here."
Will and Bunky's final words are extremely dull, all about fun, and teamwork, and learning and growing. Bunky only cries a little bit.
Big Blue Chair of Spin. Nicole: she's having a tough time with this vote. Strategy. Game. Not personal. Yawn.
, Julie cues up a montage detailing the houseguest's opinions of Hardly. They liked him, but now he's the devil. I mean, in a nutshell.
HoH interview of Boredom and Spin. The best part is where the audio cuts out and Hardly can't hear Julie talking to him, and I pretend he's just snubbing her and refusing to talk, but it turns out to be boring old technical problems. As for the interview, you know the drill: just a game/ strategy/ revenge/ not personal. Julie yawns widely.
Voting. It'sOnica goes first. She votes to evict Will. Julie doesn't talk to her at all, probably because she has no idea how to respond to anything It'sOnica says.
Nicole: sobs and bitches and votes to evict Bunky. The crying? Fake. It seems the least she could do is somehow work up some tears to go along with the dry sobbing.
Julie comes out and announces that they have a tie, and makes Hardly cast the tie-breaking vote right there in the living room. He votes to evict Bunky, and I thank the Lord for giving me another week of funny, funny evil Will. ["The part of Canada represented in my living room cheered and high-fived." -- Wing Chun] And Bunky doesn't break down, but he does hug everyone and act all sportsmanlike and then he takes his leave of the house with great good grace. Nicole calls to him and reminds him to call Jeff for her. Because she can't let him go without one final order.
"I'm out! I am out! Bunky is out! So to speak," Bunky says as he walks to meet Julie. They talk. Bunky says very little of interest, although he doesn't cry, and he carries himself with class, even if his shirt is unbuttoned too low for my taste. He says he'd like to see It'sOnica win. Hey, I guess anything is possible. Bunky tells Julie that he regrets voting out Kent, Krista, and Autumn, but that his stay in the house has been "a life-altering experience" and he lost twenty pounds! Whee! , Julie plays recorded messages from the remaining houseguests. "Hey, Bunky, it's me, Hardy," Hardly begins, in case Bunky was struck blind as well as being evicted. Everyone says nice things. Nicole pretends to cry. Anyway, yammer, yammer, Gregg comes in and they peck, and while I wish they'd just totally mack on live television, we do get several shots of Gregg patting Bunky's much smaller butt. And that's it. Vaya con Dios, Bunky!
Finally, the very important HoH competition, in which Will, It'sOnica, and Nicole are forced to lie on a waterbed in the back yard, hanging on to their big Keys of Fate, each of which is stuck in the Box of Fate. Whomever lets go of his or her key last, wins. The competitors groan when Julie explains the game, and Hardly laughs at them. Nicole shoots him a dirty look. Will threatens to pee his pants. I suspect urine will be all over the place before the end of the game, but I can't tell you for sure, since this episode ended before the HoH competition did. ["I would eliminate my competitors by peeing on them. There's nothing in the rules that says you can't!" -- Wing Chun] HoH is up in the air, people! In the air! I guess CBS took my grousing about last week's craptasical cliffhangers seriously, after all.