This week's schedule is all screwed up, what with there being no Saturday episode, so we get to dive right into Tuesday. Everyone is all broken up about having booted Krusta, like they voted to send their grandma to the electric chair, or something. Bunky's sobbing. Will and Hardly are sitting around, looking glum. It'sOnica is stomping around the house and talking about pacts with Satan. "[It'sOnica] was obviously horribly, horrendously mad, which I don't blame her [sic]," Nicole says. I do.
It'sOnica sits in the Big Blue Chair of People Who Should Not Be Teaching Literacy and babbles that she's all alone on the house, now that her soulmate, Krusta, is gone. "Dutch Elm disease, bleeping Pabst Blue Ribbon," she says.
Will and Hardly say how much they hate themselves for voting Krusta out. In the Big Blue Chair, Will wishes that he hadn't been too cowardly to give Krusta a sympathy vote. "I feel this big," he says, indicating a very, very small amount of bigness.
Big Blue Chair of Huh? It'sOnica points out that Krusta "saved [Will's] ass and he dogged her out. And I will remind him of that every day. Pound cake."
More moping. Will calls himself a "coward and a weakling." Bunky sobs. Yawn.
Hardly whines that voting Krusta out was strategery.
Nicole cries on the patio. "This place blows!" she screams. "I hate it! Argh!" Hardly pats Nicole on the arm and tells her that voting Krusta out is "part of the process." Nicole sobs that Krusta hates her now. Like she didn't hate her before.
In the Big Blue Chair of America's Evil Boyfriend (And Canada's Dastardly Husband), Will wonders why Nicole is so upset about the Krusta thing, pointing out that she masterminded it all.
But Will is also upset. He cries! On the trampoline, he cries! Then he runs over to the patio to show It'sOnica his tears. Mournful Piano Music warbles sadly in the background. Bunky pats Will sympathetically, as Will thinks about sad things, like his tortoise getting run over by a bread truck, or male pattern baldness, and squeezes out one teeny tear.
In the Big Blue Chair of Hey! Someone Else is Crying, Bunky is shocked that Will actually feels bad about being selfish. "There's hope for the evil doctor!" Bunky crows.
In His Own Big Blue Chair Session, Will says some more stuff about being disappointed in himself for being unable to do the right thing, even once. I actually think Will genuinely feels bad about voting to evict Krusta, because he's usually pretty honest in the Diary Room. Although he might be playing to the cameras because he knows Krusta, Mike, and Shannon are watching at home, I think his remorse is legit, at least to some extent. He does admit, however, that he made sure It'sOnica saw him crying. "I want to look as weak as possible," Will says.
Will and It'sOnica confab in the bedroom. Will says that he fully intended to vote for Krusta to stay, but he was scared. He admits that he didn't cry when anyone else left -- not even Shannon. It'sOnica says it's okay to cry, "But," she adds, " I ain't no punk, either. Sometimes you gotta know when you're going to town." Will looks up. "That's the smartest thing I've heard anyone say since I've been here," he says.
Cut to Will in the Diary Room. "In the middle of the discussion, I had to interrupt and tell [It'sOnica what she said] was one of the smartest things I've heard since I've been in the house. I didn't even know what she was talking about." Marry me, Will.
Back in the bedroom, It'sOnica tells Will she isn't going to sell herself to the devil. "And he's busy in this house," she says. "Yo-Yo Ma! It's on! Baccarat."
In the Big Blue Chair of I Do Not Think That Means What You Think It Means, It'sOnica claims she didn't fall for Will's crying jag. "[My] guard's been up with him since day one," she says. Also, I assume, it is going to be on.
Big Blue Chair of Enough With The Big Blue Chair. "The good news is, there's no one left in the house that I like, so we can start anew," Will says. "So, let the games begin."
Out on the patio, Bunky and It'sOnica are bonding. Bunky tells his verbally challenged friend that he wants the two of them in the final three, but that he's going to act like they're not even friends, so people don't suspect they have the power of two. Or something. I don't even know what the hell these people are talking about anymore. It's worse than the quarter I took Logic and Chemistry 11A. At least then I could buy the lecture notes. Now, I have no help at all! "Let them think that you're all alone, you know?" Bunky says. Then he asks It'sOnica who she's like to see evicted . "Plaster of Paris. Autoerotic asphyxiation. The Rose Bowl, Presented By AT&T. Waffles," It'sOnica babbles. Eventually Bunky extrapolates that It'sOnica wants to see Nicole out , as revenge for what she did to Krusta. They agree it's imperative that Bunky win the HoH contest.
Bunky admits to us that there's one little problem with his alliance with It'sOnica: the third person he wants to see in the final three is Nicole. He realizes that it's going to be a tough row to hoe, convincing It'sOnica to keep Nicole around and boot Hardly instead. "That's going to be very tricky for me, to balance that relationship," Bunky says. Also, to communicate with his co-conspirator.
Okay, so everyone's whining about how bored they are. They want to see a movie. They want a beer. They want to watch television. Whine, whine, whine. This is all leading up to the luxury challenge. This whole episode consists of challenges. I hate recapping the challenges. I want to die. Anyway, first off, everyone has to put on this orange jumpsuit, like they're in a chain gang, cleaning garbage off the freeway. Will is thrilled with the jumpsuits because, he says, he's "always dreamed of being a fireman-slash-stripper." Okay, maybe you could say that the outfits are fireman/stripper outfits. Fine. CalTrans worker/ fireman/ stripper outfits. Whatever. In the living room, Will and Hardly approach the similarly be-jumpsuited Nicole and It'sOnica. "I was wondering if anyone in this house has a glass of water?" Will asks. "Because we've been working outside, and we're a little sweaty." Then he and Hardly start dancing and peeling off their jumpsuits, like strippers! Nicole and It'sOnica burst into peals of delighted laughter. As, frankly, do I. ["As did I, my sister Toque, and Glark. Because no one can resist the Power of Will." -- Wing Chun] Ah, male strippers are intrinsically funny. A couple of years ago, one of my friends got married, and we all went to this Chippendale's-esque strip show for her bachelorette party, and it was hysterical! The show culminated in an act in which the stripper dude lit his crotch on fire. Ah, good times!
The rest of the luxury competition is basically just this long-ass commercial for Blockbuster Video and American Pie 2, and because if you want to advertise on Mighty Big TV, you need to contact our ad broker, all I'm going to say is that it involves a block of ice, a movie ticket, and a hatchet without the blade. Bunky wins. What does he win? A screening of the aforesaid movie. In the Bat Cave, not a real movie theatre. To which, after minor waffling, he takes It'sOnica. They seem to enjoy the film. I'm sure, after forty-some days in the house without any kind of external stimulation whatsoever, they'd have a blast watching professional bowling.
Hot tub. So, remember Will and Bunky's SweetNasty alliance of last week? It appears that the non-secret secret alliance is actually a front for a secret secret alliance, in which Bunky and Will are attempting to get rid of Hardly. Phew. I simply can't keep track of who is aligned with whom anymore, and I think I'm just going to assume that everyone is out to stab everyone else in the back. It amuses me, however, that in conversing about this super-secret plan to get rid of Hardly, Bunky refers to Hardly by the super-secret code name "H." That's very clever. I'm reading a book right now about the British team of cryptanalysts who cracked the Nazis' communication code in World War II, thus basically helping to end the war, and I think even they would have had trouble deciphering the identity of H! Bunky complains that Hardly's basically just a giant asshole, citing as evidence the fact that Hardly hit Bunky's juggling balls over the wall, after Bunky specifically asked Hardly not to, and that, in order to make up for said ball incident, Hardly kissed Bunky on the cheek! "He's trying to use his sexuality," Bunky tells Will. "It makes my skin crawl, it's so low." Will nods. We all know Will can get behind a Boot Hardly plan. ["We also all know Will would get to at least third base with Bunky if that's what it took for Will to win the money." -- Wing Chun]
, Bunky tells Nicole that Hardly was talking shit about her to Krusta, and that Krusta will not vote for Nicole in the end. "I don't give a shit if I win," Nicole says. "I do," Bunky says (meaning that he gives a shit if she wins, not if he himself wins, although I'm sure he'd also be fine with that), and reiterates that he really, really, really doesn't want Hardly to win and that Bunky, really, really, really wants to win HoH this week.
Hardly, on the other hand, is talking to everyone about voting out Will. It'sOnica says she's all in agreement with him, and Bunky pretends to think it's a good idea, but I pray Bunky is just playing Hardly, because without Will to entertain me, I have no reason to live. Later, It'sOnica tells us that she never "said yes and [she] never said no" to the Vote Out Will 2001 plan Hardly outlined. She also says that Jeremiah was a bullfrog, and that he was a good friend of hers, and that's it's on, because her shit is good. She's just going to tell us that, verbally, without saying anything.
God, more machinations. Nicole tells Hardly that Will's trying to "throw wrenches" into her little alliance with him. Hardly tells her that if he wins HoH, he's nominating Will and It'sOnica.
Big Blue Chair of Please, Don't Vote Out My Evil Boyfriend. "I consider myself the most egotistic, self-centered person I have ever met in my entire life," Will says, shocking no one. "But [Hardly] has topped me, you know? I'm realizing there are worse people in the house than me, and that is shocking."
Later, Will and Nicole are in bed together, talking strat. For some reason, Will has a towel wrapped around his head, and draped over his face. They agree that Will has got to win HoH this week. Man, Will has never won HoH! What's up with that? He admits that he's scared he's on the block, but Nicole insists It'sOnica is to go. Please let that be true. Please let that be true. How boring will this show be without Will? Seriously. I'll cry. I'll cry, and then I'll have to drive down to Mexico and invest in a gallon tub of contraband No-Doz to stay awake. Will muses that he can see the final three being him, Nicole, and Hardly, and then Hardly selling out Nicole because he thinks he can beat Will in a final vote. "I just need your assurance that, at some point, you'll send Hardly out," Will says. "I will," Nicole tells him. You know, I think Will has Hardly's thought process figured out, but I also don't know that Hardly really could beat Will in a final vote. Think about it: Shannon, Mike, Krusta, Bunky and Kent would certainly all vote for Will over Hardly. If Hardly dumps Nicole for Will in the penultimate episode, she'd probably vote for Will, too. That leaves only Autumn, It'sOnica, and possibly Sheryl voting for Hardly. In other words, Hardly may well be shit out of luck, in which case I will laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
In the Big Blue Chair of I've Heard That Somewhere Before, It'sOnica says that she trusts no one. "I'm not going to sell my soul to the devil," she insists.
Hey, I didn't know Julie was going to be in this episode. But there she is, looking cute, but a bit rumpled, like she was taking a nap in her trailer when they woke her up and yelled at her to get on set. Okay, food challenge time! (I'm trying to be enthusiastic, even though I hate challenges, as I've said.) There are five jars of peanut butter hidden in various locations all over the house. The houseguests each have to find one, and wait for further instructions. They do this. Once they're all settled, each of them is called into the Diary Room, one by one, and is offered $2,500 in exchange for dooming themselves, and their housemates, to peanut butter and jelly for five straight days. If they turn this offer down, Big Brother ups the ante to $5,000 and four days of PB and J. If they turn this second offer down, the final offer is made: $7,500 and three days of baby eyeballs and human waste. Not really -- it's still peanut butter and jelly. I'd just like to point out that I had peanut butter and jelly every day for lunch for years, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch this very day, and I might have some peanut butter on toast in about fifteen minutes. And all of my body parts still appear to be working correctly. Everyone turns down the first offer. Julie wisely points out that if one of their fellow housemates takes the offer, they're going to be eating peanut butter and jelly, anyway, and not get a cent. Bunky takes the $5,000 offer, with surprisingly few tears. Maybe he's saving them up for later. Everyone else turns down all the offers. Except Hardly. When Julie presents the first two offers, Hardly self-righteously sniffs that he's "not going to be selling himself, or anyone else out." Then Julie's all, "$7,500" and Hardly's all, "Okay!"
, everyone has to go into the living room and sit around some more. One by one, they go speak to Julie on the phone. She instructs them only to answer "yes" or "no" to her questions. All of them are all "yes, yes, yes," except Will, who opens by telling Julie that he can't go to dinner with her Saturday! He's in a serious relationship! Julie giggles flirtatiously. Not even Julie is immune to the charms of the evil doctor. Anyhoo, Bunky wins the challenge -- and the cash -- because the number printed on the inside of his jar (that number being one) is lower than the number printed on the inside of the jar of the only other person who accepted the offer -- Hardly -- who had number three. Julie then announces that someone has accepted the offer: they're doomed to PB and J for four days.
Everyone is all appalled. I think they need to get over it. "Well, whoever it was, you sold yourself short," Hardly snaps, pissed because he didn't get the cash, no doubt. Will insists it wasn't him. Bunky's acting all innocent and shit. They piss and moan their way out onto the patio, for more whinging and complaining, Hardly more than anyone. Nicole is deeply disgusted. Will tells Bunky that he thinks Bunky already would have cried, if he were the one who took the deal. Bunky says nothing. Nicole and It'sOnica play backgammon and talk about the deal. It'sOnica says she has some "case scenarios in [her] head." Nicole thinks Will is the guilty party. It'sOnica just hums and mutters something under her breath about the Bubonic Plague and Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.
Shortly thereafter, Hardly marches outside and tells the crowd that he took the $7,500 deal. Nicole is shocked. "Practice what you preach!" she spits in the Diary Room. Hardly snivels that he figured someone else would take the deal, and that he'd be stuck with no money, still eating peanut butter and he needs the money and sob sniffle! Will's not surprised. "[Hardly's] a worse liar than me, and the worst part is, he can't admit it," says Will in the Diary Room. Out on the patio, Hardly does some more sobby whining. Bunky's still not saying nothing. "[Hardly] cracked like a little girl," Will tells the camera. "It was like I took the lollipop out of his mouth and he started bawling. It was disgusting."
Later, everyone is in the kitchen, still trying to figure out who wound up with the cash. Will indicates that he vaguely suspects It'sOnica, but she reminds him that she's already done the PB and J thing, and she didn't want to do it again. "I'm a champer," she tells him. Will nods, like he has any idea what that means.
Diary Room. Bunky cries and cries and cries and cries and cries. Bunky cries more than anyone I've ever met, anywhere, ever, at any time in my life, and that includes my baby sister, when she was an infant. Apparently, Bunky hates himself. "I don't want to put them through this!" he sobs. "It's a looooooooooooong foooooooooour daaaaaaaays! SOB! How can I doooooooo this to them? SNIFF!"
And that's Tuesday's cliffhanger: will Bunky 'fess up? Which is officially the crappiest cliffhanger, ever. Someone get the people over at CBS a few tapes of Passions, stat!
Wednesday. I have the strangest craving for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I wonder why? Anyway, we pick up right where we left off, with people complaining about their limited dining choices for the upcoming week.
In the Big Blue Chair of Someone Needs His Meds, Bunky sobs that he wants another chance to refuse the offer! He'll pay Big Brother to let him rescind the offer! He'll eat peanut butter and jelly every day for the rest of his life, and make Gregg do it, too! He'll do anything! Anything!
More talking about The Deal in the kitchen. Everyone has sort of chilled, it seems; each houseguest has admitted that they considered the offer. Finally, Bunky walks in from outside, sits down, and admits that he took the deal. No one even seems mad, just glad he confessed. They won't even let him put on his hair shirt and go flagellate himself in the Diary Room. In fact -- and, frankly, I'm surprised by this -- everyone reacts quite reasonably, and seems more than willing to let it go. "Is anyone proud of me except me?" Will wonders, grinning. Bunky admits that he was shocked that Will didn't take the offer. "I shocked myself!" Will agrees.
Diary Room. Will once again enjoys the fact that there are people in the house more evil than he is. I love you, Will, but I still think that's stretching it. There are far bigger hypocrites in the house, but I don't know if any of them are as evil as you are. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
Big Blue Chair of Jesus, Bunky, Stop Crying! Bunky sobs.
Outside, everyone agrees that they don't want to make Bunky feel bad, and that no one is angry with him. It'sOnica is actually coherent when she says that she told Bunky if they're all complaining about PB and J, he can't take it personally. It's just something they have to get out of their system. Nicole and Hardly nod.
In the bedroom, Will comforts Bunky. He's really nice about it all. Seriously. "I can't guarantee that I won't say mean, funny things about [the peanut butter deal], but really, don't beat yourself up about it," Will says, patting Bunky comfortingly. Then he hugs him! "What scares me is, I think some of the good parts of you are rubbing off on me and the bad parts of me are rubbing off on you," Will says. Bunky laughs through his weeping.
In the Diary Room, Bunky sobs that Will's kindness made him feel even worse. Finally, because Bunky won't shut up about how bad he feels about taking the deal, Nicole gives him some extra chores. This seems to make him feel better. He furiously vacuums, as if to suck up his sins.
Later, in the kitchen, Will whispers to Nicole that The Deal confirms Hardly's willingness to sell out under the right circumstances. Nicole listens and cleans the fridge. "We all will, under the right circumstances," Will muses.
Bunky and It'sOnica are in the hot tub, talking about who they think they can beat in the finals. It'sOnica says she's been thinking about that for a while. "If it's you and me, I don't mind losing to you," Bunky says. It'sOnica returns the sentiment. Bunky keeps gently making the case to get rid of Hardly, pointing out that he'd be harder to beat in the finals than Nicole would be. Now, that might be true, but as I said, it's my opinion that Hardly can't win this game anymore, because Chill Town, plus Bunky and Kent, all totally hate him. He simply doesn't have the votes.
HoH time, part the first. Big Brother gives each of the houseguests remote-controlled cars. There's much orchestrated squealing and rehearsed gleeful screaming. Everyone runs outside with their cars and drives them all around the back yard. Will muses to the camera that he really needs to win HoH this week. After a few hours of practice, everyone's remote-controlled car-driving skills are improving, especially Bunky's. "You got it, Bunky," Will says, adding, "I'm not even sure you're gay anymore." Bunky giggles.
Cars, cars, cars, cars, cars. After seemingly endless footage of Will crashing his car into anything (poles, other cars, Nicole), Big Brother gives the houseguests "study aids" for the second part of the competition. These "aids" consist of maps of the United States and what looks like a mini-atlas. They're all cramming, quizzing each other on state capitals, and staring at the maps while brushing their teeth. It reminds me of finals week, when I was in college. Except the last time I had to cram for a state capitals test was fifth grade.
Part one of the HoH competition. There's a large map of the United States set up in the back yard, with poles sticking out of the center of each state. Each of the houseguests perches in a lifeguard chair with his or her remote. Each of them is wearing a t-shirt with his or her first initial on it. They're very cute. Anyway, the contest consists of a series of questions relating to the states and their former roommates, such as "In which state does Autumn now reside?" or "Kent's hero is Ronald Reagan, who was governor of what state?" The houseguests need to race their car over the pole in the middle of the correct state, and call out the name of said state. Blah blah Texas, blah blah Maine, blah blah California, blah blah blah blah blah. After twenty minutes of my life I'll never get back, Hardly and Bunky win this stage of the competition.
, we get to investigate what Hardly calls "their little innuendoes [sic]" -- the quirks and foibles of each of the housemates that are getting on everyone else's nerves. It's a fairly amusing montage, as far as filler goes. The houseguests mock Will's vanity; Nicole's filthy mouth and incessant nagging; Hardly's alter ego "Hector," whom Nicole describes as a "Casanova-type gentleman" and who bears an alarming resemblance to Fernando, Billy Crystal's "you look mah-velous!" character; It'sOnica's constant use of a certain catchphrase; and Bunky's habit of using the phrases "thank you!" and "fantabulous!" In other words, everyone is driving everyone else up the wall. They're all driving me up the wall, that's for damn sure.
America's Choice time. This week, the reward is a letter from home. Everyone really wants to win this, except Bunky, who is scared the letter might be too much for him to handle.
Bunky and Hardly practice with their cars, endlessly preparing for the second part of the HoH competition. Bunky whines that he "feel[s] like Mighty Mouse trying to be beat Superman in this game, and [he has] no Kryptonite." In the Diary Room, Will grins. "Oh, woe is Bunky, woe is Bunky!" he chortles.
Hardly and Will sit in the kitchen and talk about the finals, and who they think they can beat. Will's still insisting he's the only one Hardly can beat, which, as I've said, isn't at all true. However, it's also true that Hardly probably can't beat Bunky or It'sOnica. "Bunky is coming on like a fucking wild man," Hardly agrees.
America's Choice: Bunky wins the letter and cries. He goes to read the letter and cries. Outside, in the living room, Nicole cries. She thinks America hates her. We don't hate you, Nicole. Well, I don't, anyway. Will pats her on the back and chuckles. "What do you think it feels like?" he asks. "I'm used to it." He tells Nicole that America knows she doesn't really need the letter the way Bunky does, and points out that Bunky is like "a caricature, a cartoon character. People like to see that."
In the Diary Room, Bunky reads the letter and sobs. We get to see Gregg, narrating as he writes the letter. He speaks a little strangely, and I think he might be partially or completely deaf. The letter is very sweet, but I can't get behind anything that makes Bunky cry any more than he already does.
Bunky stumbles out of the Diary Room and sobs. He climbs into Nicole's lap and sobs. She reads the letter aloud to the group. People sob. I sob. From boredom.
, each of the housemates gets to compose a sixty-second video message to a loved one. Nicole makes a PB and J cake for her husband's birthday. Will, in his Disco Gear, starts and restarts his message to Shannon like, twenty-six times. It'sOnica says "hey" to about seventy people. Bunky doesn't cry! Hardly does. Will tells Shannon he's madly in love with her. At home, Jim kicks the television. Nicole sobs over the cake. Bunky makes the ASL sign for "I love you," confirming to me that Gregg is, in fact, deaf. Yay, gay deaf love! Hardly cries some more. Nicole promises Jeff she's going to win "this thing." Will grins. I take a nap.
Monday meeting. Nicole is irritated with Will's recent juvenile behavior. Her reaction basically amuses Will; he takes her tongue-lashing good-naturedly, and apologizes. Poor Will; he's the only person having any fun in this house, and no one appreciates it! , Hardly starts bitching about the peanut butter and jelly, again, and that it's making his life hell and he's just furious about the situation. "That's the pot calling the kettle black," Will says under his breath. Hardly ignores that and yammers that if he has to go through another week of PB and J, he'll make "someone's life hell." Everyone sort of glares at him. "Has anybody here made your life hell?" It'sOnica asks. Hey! That made sense! Go, It'sOnica! Hardly admits that no one has. "I'm not going to threaten anybody," Will says pointedly. Man, this little attempt to assert his power did not go over as Hardly had planned. It'sOnica is pissed! Nicole points out that Hardly himself is a big old sellout. What if they'd offered him fifteen grand, she wonders? And Hardly sort of smiles. "Exactly," Nicole says. Fucking Hardly.
God, finally, the HoH competition concludes. Big Brother has set up a big race course in the backyard, and both Hardly and Bunky have to maneuver their cars through a series of obstacles, each of which is nonsensically decorated with the name of a fallen roommate. Vroom, vroom, vroom. In a development shocking no one, and pleasing even fewer, Hardly wins. Again. Damn. I really think he might nominate Will, and then I will have no reason to live.