Saturday. According to the Los Angeles Times, tonight's episode of Big Brother airs at 12:35 AM. And so I go out and then I come home, and it's around 11, and I go and wash my face and put on my jammies, and pluck my eyebrows, and brush my teeth and go to set the VCR before I go to bed and I flip over to CBS and it's, like, 11:40 PM and the show is already on! It's in progress! It's on! What the hell? Way to treat the audience, CBS. Thank God, I don't think I missed too much. Nothing that I can't fill in, anyway. You know, "last week on Big Brother," "it's just a game," "Nicole yada yada, Will, blee blee blah." The usual.
So, anyway, when I turn on the television set, Nicole is saying that if the Head of Household doesn't have a private room, his or her toothbrush may be used on the toilet. I think she's in the midst of the weekly "who do you think I ought to nominate" Parade of Pretending to Listen to Other People. Nicole informs Krusta that Krusta and Monica are collectively Nicole's biggest threat. Krusta tells Nicole that Krusta won't be mad if Nicole nominates her.
In the Big Blue Chair of Nicole Is My Idol, Nicole says it has "come to her attention" that Krusta is a big old double-crossing biznatch. More or less.
Then, Nicole tells Krusta that she and Hardly and Will made this secret pact to "push Krusta to the top," without telling her, because "it's none of [Krusta's] business." But, Nicole points out, the success of this pact depends on their booting Monica. Krusta sniffles. She can't understand why anyone would want her to win. Nicole points out that Krusta needs the money way more than anyone else in the house does, which is probably quite true. "[Monica] is my friend, Nicole," Krusta sobs. "I know, [Krusta]," Nicole begins. "Did you come in here to win $500,000?" she asks. Krusta sniffs that she did. "Then you need to buck the fuck up," Nicole says. "You're a bitch," Krusta sniffs. "I'm sorry," Nicole lies.
In the Big Blue Chair of I Bow Down Before Nicole's Mastery of the Game, Nicole says that she "was as honest as [she] could be, which was about 90%, and that's pretty good."
, Nicole goes to talk to Monica, who admits that she would think about putting Nicole up for nomination if the tables were turned. Then she says some stuff I don't understand. I think it's something about not believing that Nicole has any loyalty to her? I don't know. Nicole informs Monica that Monica and Krusta have "the power of two." Isn't that from Charmed? Anyway, Monica sniffs that she isn't a threat to win the game because she's black. "A black girl is not going win. That's it. I'm not surprised. That's how I feel about it," Monica spits. Nicole's all, okaaaaay.
Outside, by the weights, Will tells Hardly that Krusta told Will to get rid of Hardly if Will ever got HoH. Hardly makes a strangled sound. Will tells Hardly that he also thinks Monica would stab Krusta in the back, if it came down to that. Hardly goes back to pumping iron and asks who Will would nominate if he were in Nicole's place. Will doesn't know. He asks Hardly who he would nominate. "After what you just told me, I would nominate Monica and [Krusta]," Hardly grumbles. Can that be our old Hardly under there? Fight the Krusta, Hardly! Come back to us!
So Krusta and Monica climb in the hot tub to talk about their mutual discussions with Nicole and, man, are they pissed. Monica is, like, about to throw down. The Scary Music of Psychotic Houseguests groans in the background. Krusta sniffles and wonders whether Nicole's telling her that the rest of the people in the house want her to win is just part of some complex strategery. Monica is in her own little world, and not even listening to this. She tells Krusta she doesn't blame her for their possible nominations. "I'm a threat, baby," she says. "My shit is good. Yours is good. Like she said, the power we have is some fucking serious power." I am so scared of Monica now. She's blinking like a maniac. "Her [sic] and Hardy got some serious power. You understand what I'm saying?" Monica asks. "No," the viewing public mutters. "And you've got to break it up. It's all good. But Mark. My. Words. It is going. To be on." Um, okay. In honor of Monica's constant and nonsensical use of the phrase "it's on," I'm adopting yet another brilliant nickname from the forums. From here on out, she's It'sOnica (tm False Dmitri).
So, from the hot tub, Krusta asks Will to bring her a beer. He does. She's all pissed at him; I don't know why. It's not like he nominated her ass. Hell, no one's nominated her ass, not yet. "Have fun when you go to your one-on-one," It'sOnica says. "Why, it's not going to be fun?" Will asks, wisely backing away from the crazy ladies. "No. Not at all. It's fucking on now," It'sOnica says. Will just sort of furrows his brow. "I'm just going to say that," It'sOnica finishes. "Um, okay," Will says.
Big Blue Chair of It's On! "'It's on' has different levels and stages," It'sOnica says. " 'It's on,' I deal with people differently. 'It's on,' meaning you want to know who I am, without me saying it? I'm going to tell you, verbally, okay?" Um. Okay?
"When [It'sOnica] says 'it's on,' it might mean the light's on in the living room, or it might mean she's going to punch you in the face," Will says in the Diary Room.
Outside, by the hot tub, Will's all taken aback by Krusta's and It'sOnica's vehemence. "I'm not sure of the context of what is being said," Will starts, carefully. "It clearly has a negative connotation. You obviously don't want to discuss it. But in the future, I'm open-minded about it and --" Krusta glares. "Kiss my ass," she says.
Big Blue Chair of Funny, Funny Will. "I thought I better step away from the situation, because arguing with the two dumbest people I ever met really doesn't behoove me in any way." That's so funny, I'm going to ignore the fact that Will misused "behoove." And you know how hard it is for me to overlook grammatical and syntactical errors.
Will scampers into the kitchen and tells Nicole and Bunky that It'sOnica and Krusta just told him "it's on," and that they're pissed, and that they never want to talk to him again. Bunky and Nicole are all, huh? Nicole looks very dismayed.
Outside, It'sOnica tells Hardly that Krusta told Will to kiss her ass. Hardly looks concerned. "Do I get the same?" he asks. "Were you talking about me?" Krusta asks him. He says he wasn't. "Then you don't got no [sic] worries."
Nicole and Hardly lounge in the HoH room. "[Krusta]'s been fucking playing me," Hardly says. It's nice to see he's finally figured that out. Then Hardly says some shit about being upfront, and says that Krusta is full of shit and a big old backstabber. He announces that, from now on, he's only playing for himself. Nicole admits that she told Krusta about their pact to push Krusta to the top. Hardly's sort of pissed, and sort of disappointed. Nicole swears it was smart of her to tell Krusta, although she doesn't exactly explain why. She points out that she never promised Krusta anything. They did have a pact to push her to the top at one point. Technically, what she said was no lie. "She's got quite a surprise laying [sic] in wait for her, then," Hardly says. Nicole agrees.
In the Big Blue Chair of Finally Getting a Clue, Hardly wails that he's been betrayed! Betrayed!
Hardly tells everyone, several times, that he's now playing only for himself. Krusta stumbles around the yard, sobbing. I think she's just realized that she has to go back to Louisiana, and face everyone who has watched her get drunk and act like a skeeze with a knife-wielding, dentally challenged psychotic.
In the Big Blue Chair of T-Minus Two Days to Eviction, Krusta muses that Will is willing to say anything to stay in the game.
So, at some point during the day, Krusta comes barreling out of the bedroom area after Will. "Will! Look, you little bitch, you think --" and I don't hear the rest for laughing. Okay, Will and Krusta are having it out. Well, Krusta is trying to have it out, but Will won't yell about...whatever Krusta is trying to get him to yell about. I never know what anyone's really talking about during this show, and I can't decide if that's because I'm stupid, or they are. I have my suspicions, though. "You betrayed me," Krusta says. Will swears he did not. Then he starts talking in circles, to confuse and disorient her. It works.
Later, Nicole and Will are hanging out in the kitchen, and Krusta comes stomping in, shooting both of them a sharp, nasty glare. She drags Nicole into the bedroom and announces to Nicole that she's no longer comfortable being nominated. She threateningly tells Nicole that if Krusta gets the boot, Nicole will be . Nicole rolls her brows...I mean, "her eyes."
Big Blue Chair of the Man I Know I Can't Trust, Yet to Whom I Consistently Return for More Lying and Abuse, Which I Enjoy. Will tells the camera that he's "prided [himself] on lying since day one. And [he has] to keep doing that, or people will feel let down." It's true. If Will sprouted a conscience, I'd be very disappointed in him. We've got enough wailing sad sacks on this show as it is.
The Bat Cave. Will and Nicole lie on her bed and chit-chat about their varying schemes and plans. She assures him that no one knows about their super-secret pact, and no one will. Yeah, except for that part where they're always holed up together with the doors closed. That's not suspicious at all. She also tells him that she's more than willing to screw over old Hardly. "Everything couldn't be more in line for us than it is right now," Nicole pronounces. Will cackles evilly. He tells Nicole that he actually likes Hardly; he just need to follow through on his promise to avenge Shannon with great wrath. Nicole's all blah, blah, blah, I know that. "I don't fucking care what you do," she says. "You're the boss," Will says. Nicole's all, no shit. You are my puppet, puppetmaster. "Sounds like a plan," Will continues. "Is this when we bang?" he asks. Hee!
Food challenge time. All I'm going to say is that it involves letters, a giant bowl of fake cereal, and a big old plastic spoon. Also, that It'sOnica is an idiot. Oh, and houseguests got themselves some food for the week, but their meals are going to be extremely weird, possibly involving egg nog.
It'sOnica and Krusta talk on the patio. I have no idea what's being said. Eventually, Krusta calls Will over to talk to them and...I don't even know. Poor Will. How can you play someone when you can't even understand what they're saying to you? Krusta makes a whole bunch more accusations, about Will selling her out, and playing her, and lying to her. Inside the house, Hardly presses his ear against the wall, the better to eavesdrop. His tongue is hanging out of his mouth, he's listening so hard. "They're playing everybody. What am I supposed to do?" Will asks. Krusta leaps up from her patio chair and starts to head toward the house. Inside, Hardly squeals and attempts to leap out of his corner and look as nonchalant as possible.
"I said, 'Let's have others join us, and try to understand one another better.' What I really meant was, 'Let's place the blame on a whole lot of other people besides me,'" Will tells the camera.
Somehow, everyone in the house ends up in the bedroom. Krusta shouts that someone in the house is lying, and she wants to know who it is. Will astutely points out that everyone in the house is lying. Hardly, lying in someone's bed, announces yet again that he was going to help her, and now he's not, and she knows that. He's totally confrontational with her, and it's great. "I just stood there and listened," Will says in the Diary Room. "Sometimes I would look off, or pick my feet, to draw attention away from myself. It worked out pretty well." Back in the bedroom, Hardly says that if anyone is a liar, it's Krusta, and brings up UT. Krusta loudly reminds him that they never plotted against anyone directly. Everyone else is all, what is this UT of which you speak? Except, you know, more pissed than that. Krusta dismisses UT, saying that it was mostly just a plan to "stay out of the mix" rather than a plot against anyone specifically. Hardly agrees. Nicole points out that if It'sOnica, Krusta, and Hardly were planning to be the final three, then they were, at least indirectly, plotting against everyone else in the house, including her! "I am going to take that personally. Can you understand that?" Nicole asks. Looks are exchanged.
Nomination time. Ritual blah blah. Keys blee blee. This week's unlucky slobs are It'sOnica and Krusta. Nicole sniffles and tells them that she didn't want to do this, at this point in the game, and that she'd "just as soon cut off her own foot" than nominate anyone, sob, sniffle, snort. It'sOnica and Krusta take the news pretty well, considering that they're both on the edge of total mental breakdowns and probably prone to violence. But It'sOnica does snicker during Nicole's "I'd rather cut off my own foot" speech, and her laughing scares me. Krusta calmly tells Nicole that she knows how hard it is to be HoH, and that she doesn't hold her nomination against Nicole. She's really quite nice about it. Bunky pats her. , It'sOnica says a whole bunch of nonsensical crap. "You got dogged out, totally wrong, happened that people bonded with you, Chill Town cheesesteak Jabberwocky camembert. It is going to be milquetoast football peninsula ceramics on!" Then she walks away from the table. Nicole sort of shakes her head.
"[It'sOnica] is not doing herself any favors by saying things that are kind of hard to understand. She just speaks in riddles," Hardly says. North America nods, and cracks open a communal Dr Pepper in Krusta's honor.
Nicole tells the camera that if It'sOnica gets HoH , Nicole's toast.
Krusta sighs, and tells the camera that she just wants to make the best of the situation in which she's found herself. It's so hard for me to maintain the hate from week to week; now, I just feel sort of sorry for her. This week, the hate is all directed at It'sOnica, and I can really only maintain a high level of loathing for one person at a time.
In the Diary Room, It'sOnica says it will "get hot," which I assume is a variation on "it's on."
Tuesday. This episode is so full of filler. Sadly, it's not the shit-kicking it's-on-athon for which I hoped.
We open with It'sOnica and Krusta smoking on the patio: "I'm a bad bitch," says It'sOnica. "You understand that? I knew that coming in and I know it leaving. A threat, baby." Krusta exhales.
Hardly says that for It'sOnica to "say she wasn't given a fair shot is ludicrous." Have you noticed that the old Hardly seems to be making a minor but welcome comeback? Seeing him realize that Krusta isn't the end-all be-all has started redeeming him in my eyes. (Not enough for me to go back to calling him Hardy, or anything.)
The boys are out on the patio, weightlifting. Bunky grunts that It'sOnica's "I never had a chance to win" spiel is "a cop-out." Will and Hardly nod and give him lifting tips.
Bunky and Nicole hunker down in the Bat Cave. Bunky tells Nicole that it really creeped him out when It'sOnica started laughing during Nicole's nomination speech. Nicole nods grimly. Krusta comes scampering into the bedroom at this point, and Bunky makes tracks to leave the two girls alone. Krusta climbs onto the bed and tells Nicole she's not mad at her. Nicole reiterates that UT was really hurtful to her. Krusta babbles that UT wasn't a serious alliance, but Nicole doesn't buy it. Krusta points out that UT was a long, long time ago. Y'all, I'm beginning to feel sort of bad for Krusta. She's having an emotional breakdown! And her life has been really hard! I don't want her to, like, win, or anything. I just feel sort of bad for her. Think about it; she said that Justin treated her better than any man she's ever been with. Then, she fell for Mike Boogie. Clearly, she's got some serious, deep-seated issues. I'm not even kidding. ["Yes, she really needs intensive therapy. You left out the part where, after Mike Boogie left the house, she fell for the pig. She has attachment issues." -- Wing Chun] She's in love with a thirty-one-year-old rapping busboy. That's just wrong.
Will cackles that he's talking Nicole into not trusting Hardly. This pleases him.
Krusta says some more that she's ready to leave.
"If she's a voluntary exit, can we still vote for [It'sOnica]?" Bunky asks. Will stares at him. "You're being the evil doctor!" he says. "Does this mean I have to be gay?"
It'sOnica is already packing her stuff. Nicole sees this, and rolls her eyes. She's gonna pull something if she keeps up her grueling eye-rolling schedule.
Nicole goes in to talk to Hardly. "I'm thinking I don't know what the hell [It'sOnica]'s talking about, as usual," she says. I love all this "It'sOnica makes no sense" talk. I can only imagine what the producers in the walls are saying. They're all sitting around, watching the houseguests, and I get the impression that every time It'sOnica says something, they all just look at each other and shrug. Hardly and Nicole agree that they have to get rid of Krusta, even if It'sOnica is driving them totally insane. Which, of course, she is.
Will and Nicole confab in the living room. "Don't you want to make [It'sOnica] stay? She's already packed her bags," Nicole says. "Yeah, that would be cool," Will laughs. He's feeling bad about voting out Krusta, though. She likes them, he points out. "And that's good, how?" Nicole snorts. Nicole is so fucking smooth. She's, like, the Amanda Woodward of the Big Brother house, all controlling everyone in her path, all manipulating everyone for her own purposes. I love that. I guess, of course, this analogy makes Will Dr Michael Mancini -- who was, by the way, my favorite of the Melrose Place characters, which I suppose goes a long way to explaining my fascination/lurve of Evil, Evil Will. And, of course, Bunky, as the token gay guy, is Matt. And Hardly is certainly Billy: good-looking, but constantly slack-jawed. And Krusta is Allison, since she had a tempestuous relationship with Hardly/Billy, and has serious problems with booze. And It'sOnica is clearly Kimberly, since she's crazy, and she wears wigs. Wow, I'm rather proud of that analogy. Anyway, Will tries to curry favor for Krusta, saying that she might help them get rid of Hardly later. Nicole astutely points out that if Krusta stays and gets HoH, Nicole is gone. Will suggests that they run the same risk with It'sOnica, but Nicole makes the salient point that if they can't beat It'sOnica in an HoH competition, they deserve to get booted. Will laughs. "I like that mentality. I didn't think of it that way," he says. "We have to get HoH back to back to back to back," he points out. Nicole: "Duh." Will sits there for a sec, and then wonders if Nicole could nominate Hardly. She says she could. "That's so fucked up! I love it!" Will crows.
Filler time: a little featurette entitled When Will Met Nicole. This is cute, I guess, but we know this story -- having, you know, watched the show. It goes something like this: hate, hate, grudging respect, evil love. The highlights of this particular spate of filler are, of course, the Willisms: "Every girl I know is a girlfriend of mine" is my favorite, although "Nicole and I don't have that much in common, but one thing we do have in common is that we're both attracted to me" runs a close second. I can't help it. I love that cocky bastard. Post-featurette, the Dastardly Duo lolls on the bed in the Bat Cave, make fun of "it's on!" and chat about Krusta. The puppetmaster music swells affectingly in the background. I wipe a tear of happiness from my eye. Later, Will sprawls in the Diary Room and points out that he hopes Nicole trusts him, but if she does, she shouldn't, because he tried to evict her once, and he's going to try to do it again at some point. Genius! Evil, evil, genius. I do, however, think that Nicole is far too smart to trust Will entirely.
Filler, part the second. Luxury competition. Not going to cover it. Suffice to say, Will's and Bunky's mastery of trivia allows them three minutes of time in the Diary Room to read newspapers. Man, forty-eight days without reading material. I would be about ready to kill someone for an Entertainment Weekly. As Will and Bunky skip into the Diary Room, Krusta asks them to check the police blotter for news about her friends. I did not make that up.
Later, Will comes running outside, grinning wildly. He races past Bunky. "Can you and I be in an alliance, Bunky? I'm 100% serious and everyone can know about it!" Bunky laughs and agrees. "Will and I have a non-secret alliance called Sweet Nasty," he says in the Diary Room. "I'm the sweet, and he's the nasty. I think that's pretty clear." In his own turn in the Big Blue Chair, Will says that his two favorite alliances are those he has with Krusta and Nicole, but he admits that he doesn't trust either of him. Also, he's about to screw one of them over entirely. "Maybe I trust Bunky the most. Is that possible?" Will wonders.
Filler, part the third. The producers devote thirty-five minutes to Bunky's weight loss. Yes, Bunky has lost weight. Good for him. Let's move on.
Night Vision Krusta and It'sOnica. I have no clue what they're talking about because (a) they're whispering, (b) we joined their conversation in progress, and (c) it's Krusta and It'sOnica. Oh, they're talking about UT. It'sOnica is saying that she thought UT was just about making sure "three positive people" got to the end, "Whoever won, won -- it didn't matter," It'sOnica says. "Bottom line, we were crossed," Krusta says. "It changed. Homegirl threw that out." Who is "homegirl"? Are the two of them having completely unrelated conversations? Whatever. They keep yammering, and then It'sOnica fully rips off her bandana/wig combo. I told you she was Kimberly! Ah, remember that episode of Melrose Place when Kimberly ripped off her wig? Seriously, everyone I know who ever watched Melrose Place agrees that was the highlight of the show. When I saw it, I was in college, and we all used to watch the show together, and we were taping it for someone that night, and Kimberly ripped off her wig, and the show ended, like, right at that moment, and everyone in the room simultaneously said, "Rewind that." And we watched it again. Good times, people. Good times. What? Oh, right. These two chuckleheads. I think they're mad at Hardly, or something.
America's Choice. The houseguests are going to get something for the back yard. Everyone agrees that if they get Bunky's choice -- green grass -- they will strangle him. They're going to shave his entire body if they get grass, they say. This doesn't seem like a very good punishment, since Bunky's totally into it. He'll even let them shave his head, he says.
The morning, America has chosen: there is a trampoline set up in the back yard. Will is beside himself with glee. "Thank you, America!" he squeals in the Diary Room. "I am ready to jump on a trampoline! Trampoline! Trampoline! Trampoline!" Dudes, these people have a hot tub, and a pool, and a trampoline. What the hell are they all complaining about all the time? Peanut butter and jelly? I'm eating peanut butter and jelly right now.
Gawd, more filler. Can I just fast-forward past a lengthy farewell to Ophelia? I'm going to.
So, Nicole goes and tells Hardly that she was very angry with him about the whole UT thing, and, in fact, she's still sort of pissed. Hardly swears that his allegiance is now only to her, 100%. He's all caressing his own pecs as he tells her this, which is, I guess, equivalent to swearing on the Holy Bible, as far as Hardly is concerned. Nicole informs Hardly that he has to win HoH the week. He nods. And they have to get rid of Krusta. Again, Hardly agrees.
Apparently, Will doesn't really want to vote to evict Krusta, but he's scared to cross Nicole. He broaches the subject gingerly, but Nicole refuses to let him cast a sympathy vote. Nicole points out that she wanted to cast a sympathy vote for Autumn and Kent, and that she didn't get to do it. Will reluctantly agrees to toe the party line.
Monday Meeting. The most civilized Monday meeting ever. No rampages. No screaming. No finger pointing. Man, I'm so disappointed. Both Krusta and It'sOnica are pretty calm. That's so boring! Why isn't it on? Turn it on!
Thursday. You thought Tuesday had filler? I don't know why CBS isn't cutting back to half-hour shows, like they promised me, because this week is just full of boring crap, occasionally punctuated by highly entertaining mania. Looks like Julie is sticking to her cute/ugly/cute sartorial schedule, because she looks super-cute in her black pants and lime green top. Julie tells us that the houseguests are going to be doing the voting live tonight. That sounds exciting and all, but it really just made this episode peculiarly structured.
Nicole yammers some more to the effect that Will and Hardly must vote the way they've all planned, or Krusta will come back to bite them all in the ass.
It turns out that sweet little Bunky's accidentally clued Krusta in to her impending demise. See, Krusta wants to buy a marble slab for her mama's tombstone, and Bunky weepily told her that, no matter what happens, he'll make sure she gets it. Aw, how nice is that? Krusta might be skanky, but her mama deserves a tombstone. I'm sorry, everyone, but I don't hate her anymore. Her mom died when she was fourteen, and she was an orphan at Christmas! That's so sad. Also, I'm a sap. ["You are! I'm so sure Krusta would buy her mother a tombstone when just a week ago she screwed over her own child to send $100 worth of flowers to MIKE GODDAMN BOOGIE. She is full of it!" -- Wing Chun] And how nice is that Bunky? He's kind of emotional, but his heart's in the right place. He's certainly the only houseguest with whom I'd feel comfortable leaving my child, for example. If I had a child.
Bunky tells Nicole that Krusta knows she's out. Nicole decides that someone must have spilled the beans. Everyone denies it, of course, because none of them did spill the beans; Krusta was just able to put two and two together. Admittedly, that is a pretty shocking development.
Will continues to feel all guilty about booting Krusta. He asks Nicole, again, if he may give her a sympathy vote. Nicole sticks to her guns, and denies him.
Filler. No one trusts anyone. We know that. People cry. Everyone hates everyone. I don't care. Monica is nuts. It's on.
Family time! Both Krusta's brother and It'sOnica's sister seem totally normal and charming and well spoken and attractive and diplomatic. ["Except for the fact that Krusta's brother killed their dad." -- Wing Chun] God only knows what happened to It'sOnica and Krusta.
Julie points out that we're at the halfway point. Of the show itself, not this particular episode. Everyone hugs. I thank God.
, the houseguests share what they'd do with the money, should they win. Krusta would help this one poor dude in her town. Easy for her to say; the poor dude probably doesn't have a TV, so he won't be all disappointed when she doesn't come through with that. Bunky says that he would put his nieces and nephews through college. Monica would give her father enough money to retire, so that he can be on, twenty-four hours a day. Will grins and asserts that he wants to buy gold chains and jet skis. Krusta tells us about her mama's tombstone again. Nicole would finish renovating her house. Will adds jewelry and pork bellies to his list. Hardly muses that he'd buy his brother a Harley. Hardly, Tina already bought Colby a Harley. Krusta would buy stuff for Laken. And a car. And a house. And that's all of Krusta's money, what with the poor dude, and the house, and the car, and the tombstone, and the toys for Laken, all her cash is gone and she's going to have to go back to Ray's. Bunky sniffles that he's already won Big Brother, because he's grown so much as person. Also, it's an honor just to be nominated.
Julie finally pops in to chat with the cast. Everyone is tense and jittery, because of the live vote. Hardly says some boring and diplomatic crapola. Hardly never gives any good dirt; it's very boring. Finally, Julie instructs Krusta and It'sOnica to give a final speech to their housemates, and reminds them that because no one has voted yet, they could manage to change some minds. Unfortunately, they say nothing of interest, other than thanking the Lord and their agents. Actually, Krusta makes an unusually focused and almost graceful speech. It'sOnica does not. Are you surprised?
In the Big Blue Chair of Lindsey is Really Pissed Now, Hardly says he would have killed for Krusta. He then sobs, dryly, so as to preserve his eye makeup.
, filler about Nicole. Yes. We know. We have seen the show. Everyone hated her. Then they liked her. Now they fear her. The puppetmaster music sings cheerfully in the background. Nicole is my evil manipulative girlfriend. I want her and Will to take me on as an apprentice and teach me their evil, manipulative ways. Which I will use for good, not for evil. Well, mostly.
Time for the HoH interview. I hate these. They're consistently boring. Isn't there some way to make the ritual diplomatic spin more interesting, like maybe they could talk to Julie from a ring of fire, or something? I don't know. Anyway, the interview goes as usual: nominations hard/strategy important/revenge imminent/interview boring.
Big Blue Chair of I Knew He Had A Heart. Will says he might have to listen to his conscience "for the first time ever" and give Krusta a sympathy vote.
God, voting, at last.
Bunky goes first. He sobs like he's sending Krusta to the gas chamber. It's really skirting the edge of embarrassing. Poor baby. I think Bunky's emotion is genuine, but I doubt he's like this all the time. I suspect the stress of being in the house has turned him into a ball of unrestrained, raw emotion. Anyway, Julie races through the chit-chat -- in which Bunky says he's Hardly and Nicole's "puppet" -- and swiftly dismisses Krusta, with a "get a hold of yourself, man" expression. Seriously, I think Bunky is a doll. He's obviously very sensitive. But he knew this moment was coming. Frankly, if it were me, and I knew I was going to be all emotional, I'd just stalk into the Diary Room, sit down, cast my vote, tell Julie I couldn't talk, and race out before I broke down on live television. What would they do, fire me?
Hardly's turn. Hardly also votes to evict Krusta. He's not really happy about his vote, either, he says, but he has to.....yawn. I'm sorry, I changed channels. Hardly's boring now. Something about how he's playing for himself? Because I didn't catch that the first eight billion times he mentioned it.
Will Time! He plops down in the Big Blue Chair and asks Julie for advice. She twitters flirtatiously. Thank God he's not crying; I couldn't take any more of that. But he does seem a little sad. Will votes to evict Krusta, because, he says, he can't go against Nicole. "I'm too weak," he admits.
At last, Julie reads the vote. Krusta hugs a sobbing Bunky, promising to call Greg for him, and shakes Hardly's and Nicole's hands. "Good game, Nicole. See you at the end," she says. I can't see Nicole's expression, but I doubt she's quaking in her boots. Krusta takes Will and It'sOnica to the door, where Will admits that he was weak, and really does seem sorry to have voted her out. Mid-admission, It'sOnica breaks down and starts babbling. Krusta cuts her off, and continues to tell Will how weak it was for him to sell her out to "them" when he promised Mike to look after her. Will looks sad. Krusta hugs him. She forgives his weak-willed ass.
Finally, Krusta calmly turns to the sobbing It'sOnica. "Goddamn them!" It'sOnica says, and then unleashes a long speech, much of which is bleeped out by the censors, the rest of which makes no sense. It's like "bleep bleep bleep, they wanna dog me out, bleep bleep bleep chili, bleep ribonucleic acid." Krusta is like, dude, chill. "Bleep, bleep, time is a universal invariant, bleep, bleep!" Krusta's all, seriously, shut up. "Bleep, Krusta! Bleep it's on! Bleep the infield fly rule bleep! Bleep cheese bleep flip flops bleep bleep coffee cup bleep the Warsaw Pact bleep!" Then It'sOnica sobs about their friendship. Krusta gets a little misty over this bit about the beauty of their relationship, and tells It'sOnica to "take Bunky" with her to the top. "They sold their soul to the devil!" It'sOnica announces, then runs off, sobbing, to the porch. Krusta sort of shakes her head and opens the door.
While Krusta's getting set up with Julie, Bunky sobs in the bathroom. Will and Hardy sit on the sofa and talk about how shitty they feel. Will moans about how weak he is, and that Krusta is better than the shit that's going down in the house. I knew he had feelings! I knew it! I told you the sociopath, robotic-man thing was just an act! Hardly says it's like they're in jail. Nicole says nothing. They all just sit around and look glum. Outside, Monica smokes and plots her revenge.
, Julie breaks for commercial by promising us a "surprise." Cut to a shot of Mike Boogie in the green room with a cheap-looking bouquet. I scream in agony and horror.
Interview time. I can't decide which is my favorite part of my interview: when Julie brings up the mystery of Justin Sane's exodus and Krusta makes the classic "shit, did I drink too much and have sex with some stranger...again?" face, or when Krusta rolls her eyes at Nicole's faux tears in the Diary Room. Nicole is my crazy evil puppetmaster girlfriend and all, but her eviction day tears are phony-baloney nine times out of ten. I have to tell you, Krusta handles the interview with Julie quite well, explaining Laken's absence by saying that she wants to get her head back on straight before she sees her daughter. I guess that could be read as a euphemism for "I want to party before I have to be responsible again," but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt this time. Because, you know, it's late in the recap and I'm all soft by this point. Finally, Julie brings out Krusta's brother, and fucking Boogie, who totally horns in on Krusta's reunion with her bro. CBS cuts away before Boogie breaks into a rap, thank God.
And that's it. No HoH this week. Also, no Thursday episode. Yeah, basically, I have no idea what's happening with the schedule this week. Or, you know, ever.