Kent's Last Stand

S02E06

Saturday. Such a wonderful day. All day to do whatever I want. Soon, the college football season will start, and "whatever I want" will consist mostly of lolling on my sofa and eating Cheetos and yelling at the television. Until 9 PM, of course, when my cruel mistress, Big Brother, once again makes an appearance. Then I loll on the sofa and eat Cheetos and throw things at the television. Anyhoo, just to refresh your memory, last week, Mike was voted out of the house, and America rejoiced. But Krusta bawled. And she still bawls. She bawls and bawls and bawls. Bunky kindly attempts to comfort her, but looks horrified when Krusta admits that she might have been falling in love with Mike. "Girl!" Bunky cries.

Krusta's still crying about Mike. "Dude, Boogie gives me butterflies," she tells Will. "How do you think I feel about Boogie?" Will asks. Is Will admitting that he feels the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name for Mike? Maybe he and Krusta can wrestle for Boogie's affections. And Will can crush her empty little skull. Whoops, did I just say that? Laken, sweetie, forget you read that.

Will leans back in the Big Blue Chair of My Evil Boyfriend and says he's lonely without Shannon and Mike. "It's like The Last of the Mohicans. Substitute 'Chill Town' for 'Mohicans.'" Aww, poor baby. Here, have a cattle prod. That's right, go out and play with your cattle prod! Krusta's right around the corner! Good boy!

More endless yammering that Krusta and Will miss Mike. I hate Mike.

Mike's brainchild -- 2Hype, the boy band -- makes what I pray is its final appearance, in a video the housemates find uproarious, but that makes my eyes bleed. Can I not escape Mike, ever? Please, Mike, go away!

No such luck. After the 2Hype video, Big Brother broadcasts something nauseatingly dubbed "Mike's Farewell to [Krusta]." And despite the flowery name and the I've Heard More Romantic Piano Music On The Second Floor Of Nordstrom, Where That Guy Plays The Piano, And I Buy Shoes, Mike's farewell consists of such heartfelt sentiments as "the game didn't really matter" and "hey." "Find the happiness in life that you deserve, because you are a great girl and you deserve the best," Mike concludes as Krusta sobs. She says that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to her. That's pretty sad, considering said sentiment is identical, word for word, to the salutatorian's closing statement at my high school graduation.

The folks on the forums are so gifted at coming up with cruel nicknames for the houseguests, and I'm appropriating another one: Hardy is now Hardly (tm Highwaygirl). I think that's apt, don't you? Anyhoo, Hardly sniffs that Mike's farewell to Krusta "literally blew everyone away." If only that were true. If only a big gust of wind swept through the Big Brother house and tossed each of these foolios to the four corners of the earth. Four abandoned, desolate corners. With no food, or water. Inhabited with man-eating coyotes, and scavenger birds ready to pick their bodies clean. Wow, the loathing is just slipping out all over the place tonight. I'm sorry. Wait, no I'm not: I hope their bones are picked clean in the middle of the desert! I hope the vultures get them, with no ill -- wait, I already made that joke this season. Shit. I should have saved that one.

So Hardly says some stuff about having gained a clearer understanding of people in the house over the past week and that he's lost and gained respect for people, and that he can only nominate people he feels no longer belong in the house for whatever reason. Yawn. Hardly brings a whole bunch of people into the HoH room to discuss strategy. He and Nicole talk about Bunky for a while, saying that his neediness makes Hardly "sick to his freaking stomach." Hardly thinks that Bunky is "weak." Don't worry, I'm going to get to that later. Suffice it to say, blow me, Hardly. "I got some surprises up my sleeve that will drop the country's jaw," Hardly tells Nicole. I hope the "surprise" is that Hardly is, say, a woman. "Don't make me drop your jaw, okay?" Nicole mock-jokes. Hardly smiles.

Bunky scampers into the HoH room to reassure Hardly that he's still a team player, and that he's willing to vote however Hardly would like him to vote. Hardly's like, I know you're a team player, Bunky. Now leave, so I can think mean, self-righteous thoughts about you and fix my eyeliner.

Hardly talks some more about how great he is. I wonder if I have any sandwich fixings, so I amble into the kitchen. No bread, no meat, no cheese. I spread some mustard on a tomato and eat that. When I get back to the living room, Hardly's still saying how kind and good and trustworthy and honest he is, and I just start eating mustard out of the jar.

Hardly starts blathering about UT. "[Krusta] perceives [UT] as being Monica, me, and [Krusta]," Hardly explains, before admitting that he doesn't have as strong an alliance with Monica as he does with Krusta, probably because he has no idea what Monica's talking about three quarters of the time.

God, Hardly is still talking. He yammers something to the effect that Kent's recent actions in the house have been unacceptable to almost everybody. Kent's honesty hasn't gone over very well, I guess. Also, Hardly's pissed that Kent reminded him that, since he's out of TOP, Hardly's making himself a target for other players. He also...oh, none of you care about Hardly's thoughts anymore, do you? It's all "it's just a game/no one is safe/it's not personal" for like six hundred and ninety more minutes.

Food competition time. The houseguests are instructed to write down their favorite dinners, and they're all excited, because they think they're going to get to eat them, and they're close. They're going to get to drink them. It's enormously disgusting and I have to look away. Hardly threatens everyone with nomination if they don't chug their entire glass of liquid dinner, because if they don't get it all the way down, no one gets to eat on the night said houseguest represents (Will, for example, is Thursday). Seriously? It's nasty. Kent has to drink an entire serving of prime rib and potato and veggies. He almost gags, but he works it down. Krusta can't drink hers (it's all junk food, and I think it was the Filet O' Fish that did her in), but everyone else manages to down their glass of gack like a pro. I have to give special props to Will, who drinks his entire glass of liquefied raw fish in mere seconds. I love sushi, but not, you know, as a beverage. And thus concludes possibly the nastiest food challenge ever. That was, like, the Skin Shower of food competitions. Those of you who don't watch The X-Files have no idea what that means, but trust me, that's an enormously good reason to give thanks.

Kent tells the camera that he suspects he and Bunky are on the chopping block.

Kent has other problems, too. He's trying to quit smoking, mostly because he's rapidly running out of cigs. Cue a lengthy montage of Kent smoking and coughing and coughing and smoking. Bunky diplomatically says that Kent's attempt to quit smoking will be "a challenging experience" for everyone in the house. Kent tries to trade some of his PowerBars for some of the cigarettes Bunky's been hoarding. Bunky doesn't even smoke, he tells the camera, but he's using his cigarettes to "earn favors" from the people in the house who do. Man, that house is like prison. thing you know, someone's going to get a shiv under the ribs in the yard. And I can't wait!

Kent really, really, really wants Big Brother to give him some more cigarettes. He begs the camera. He pleads in the Diary Room. He moans. He groans. He wails. Eventually, the producers give him the patch and a prescription for Zyban. And this kicks off the Kent Has Something In His Mouth portion of Big Brother, as the big guy chaws on everything from a straw to a pencil from now until eternity. Yup, the old oral fixation. A harsh mistress, indeed.

Hardly says that the only person he doesn't want to see win is Bunky. The two of them have a rather illuminating discussion in the Hot Box. Hardly tells Bunky that he's under the impression that anything Hardly says to Bunky will eventually make its way to Kent. Bunky insists that isn't true. Hardly shrugs, and tells Bunky that, at any rate, just because he doesn't tell him "stuff," it doesn't mean they're not friends. Bunky points out that he's never told anyone something Hardly confided to him, and asks whether Hardly is threatened by Bunky as a possible winner. Hardly says he isn't. Then he tells Bunky that Hardly isn't out to win the game; he's out to ensure that someone else wins. "Okay," Bunky says. "You want to tell me who?" Hardly does not. He leaves the Hot Box in a girly huff. Bunky looks into the camera. "He is threatened by me. And he has reason to be. Because I'm going to win." Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah, it's not going to happen.

is a hilarious segment, in which Will attempts to goad Nicole into admitting that she's in love with him. Nicole to gobsmacked. "Nooooo," she says. The producers cue up some soft-core porn music, and it tinkles softly in the background as Will just stares at her, totally straightfaced. "You think I'm falling in love with you?" Nicole asks. "That's what I'm saying," Will says. Nicole bursts into laughter. "I need some liquor," she says. In the Big Blue Chair of You Just Noticed That?, Nicole comments that Will is "a freak!" And she decides to call his bluff.

Cut to Will's twelfth shower of the day. Nicole comes into the bathroom. "All right, let's go," she says, removing her shoes and pants. The porno music bow-chicka-wow-wows in the background again. Will cracks a huge smile as Nicole opens the shower door. "Are we really hooking up? We're hooking up right now? In the shower? Take your clothes off!" he says gleefully. Nicole starts laughing and shakes her head and bails "Where are you going?" Will asks. "Get in the shower! I thought we were hooking up! Where are you going?" He's totally biting the inside of his lip, trying not to crack up. Ah, Will. Funny, evil Will. So funny. So evil.

Hardly is all crying and moaning to Nicole. Yeah, Bunky is the weak one. Hardly cries more than anyone I've ever met, and that includes my four-year-old cousin Nate. Why doncha try keeping a stiff upper lip for, like, three minutes, Hardly? Nicole listens to him cry about how hard the game is and how he's not a bad person, but he's turning into a bad person and 8ekgk75be+drtbftrhyujbmprbmgpuogb -- sorry, I passed out from boredom and hit the keyboard with my face.

In the Big Blue Chair of Big Buff Crybabies, Hardly sobs that Nicole helped him out of his mental funk.

In the Big Blue Chair of It's Miss Richard Hatch, If You're Nasty, Nicole lies and says that Hardly is "a godsend," and that they'll be friends forever. Do you hear her? 4EVA!

Nomination time, at long last. Hardly makes his lame and repetitive "only a game" speech for the six thousandth time, and finally nominates Will and Kent, both of whom take the news as well as humanly possible. Hardly starts weeping whilst explaining the reasons behind the nominations. I have no idea what he's talking about through all the burbling. Something about respecting them as people? I don't know. Anyway, Kent and Will say that they understand, mostly, I think, to get away from all the waterworks.

In the Big Blue Chair of Marked Men, Kent tells us that the house is "a pit of predators," and that "everyone in the house is a back-stabbing, manipulative phony." Sing it, Daddy!

Tuesday. Kent's still talking trash about Hardly, calling him "a hard-hearted phony like the rest of 'em, trying to snag half a million dollars."

The producers cackle to each other and cue up Saturday's nominations; Hardly's sobbing and snuffling. "[Hardly] started bawling like a child," Will says, in case we didn't catch that, what with all the tears and snot.

Krusta explains to the camera that Will isn't getting evicted: it's all part of Hardly's strategery to get Kent out of the house. Thanks for clearing that up, boozehound.

Out by the pool, Kent thanks Bunky for being "such a good friend." Bunky sniffles. "Don't make me cry!" he says. America dabs its collective eyes.

So, right after his Tender Moment with Kent, Bunky makes the rounds, asking how he ought to vote. Both Hardly and Nicole tells him to "vote his conscience." In the Big Blue Chair of Stop Being Hardly's Lapdog, Bunky, Bunky wrinkles his brow. "Interesting that [Nicole] should use the same words that [Hardly] did. Maybe they've had some conversations behind my back," he says. "But they're denying it." Bunky makes a humorously disgusted face. He's so much funnier in the Diary Room than he is out in the house.

In the living room, Nicole does some sit-ups and informs Kent that she "threw" the last HoH competition. She says it was "strategy." She couldn't nominate him, she says, and she knew she'd be out of the house the week if she didn't. Kent assumes that she's in an alliance he doesn't know about. Nicole swears that she isn't, and explains the house's new anti-Kent bias by saying that Krusta's "lost her mind [over Mike's expulsion]." Kent sneers along with the rest of the viewing public. "I hate Mike," the world mutters under its collective breath.

, Nicole goes and tells Hardly all about her conversation with Kent. She's thinking about voting for Will, she says, which would force Hardly to cast the tie-breaking vote. Hardly huffs and puffs and whines like a baby and refuses to be the tiebreaker.

Luxury challenge time. Each of the houseguests is given a blow-up doll or mannequin, and instructed to make his or her look as much like he or she does as possible. As the Wacky Pseudo-Gypsy Music of Luxury Challenge Hijinks tinkles in the background, Krusta beats the shit out of her doll. She doesn't like dolls, she says; she likes trucks. Also, she's nuts. Everyone else manages to garb his or her doll appropriately without resorting to violence.

Part two of the luxury challenge: each houseguest will be playing for $100 worth of the luxury of their choice. "I want a hundred packs of twenty-five-cent gum," Krusta says, further demonstrating the flaws in Louisiana's public education system. In a shocking departure from the usual luxury competitions, this one is high-larious. Seriously, I laughed until I cried. This is how it worked: the dolls are hidden inside the house. The houseguests, blindfolded and dressed in faux rescue-squad ensembles, have to go in and "save" them. Boys against girls. Whichever team rescues the most dolls wins. I have this theory. There are two types of people: those who think falling down is funny, and those who don't. Me, I always laugh when someone falls down. Laugh, and point. Not at old people, of course, and not if the person is seriously hurt -- I'm not a sociopath -- but otherwise, it's on! And no one falls down during this competition more than Will. Sure, the rest of the houseguests shuffle along, hands out like zombies, running into walls, and that is funny, but Will totally destroys the house. He knocks over everything in his path. Somehow, he gets so turned around, he ends up going outside again. He ruins the coffee table. He breaks the dining room table. Oh, it's gold, Jerry, comedy gold! Worst of all, poor guy, he doesn't rescue shit, and loses the challenge for the boys. Après competition, Will mournfully tells the camera that he "failed Shannon." At home with Jim, Shannon pouts.

America's Choice time. Remember, last week, the question was about a pet for the houseguests? I know, that was like a million years ago. Anyhoo, Big Brother reveals the question to the houseguests, and Monica grumbles because she hates all living things. Krusta, not understanding the difference between a pet and livestock, hopes for a horse. The rest of the cast looks at her askance, then ignores her. They agree that they're most likely to get a dog. "I hope it's a tortoise," Will says softly to himself.

I'm so exhausted by these people. Okay, I'm tired, and I'm doing this recap late, and a lot of good shit is going to happen in a few short pages, so I'm just going to gloss over this incident here: Monica freaks out when Bunky asks her to keep it down because he's trying to sleep (in the middle of the damn day). Nicole's also getting a little testy; she's pissed at both Kent and Bunky for reasons I don't completely understand. In other words, people are on edge, and Monica is losing her mind. Moving right along.

In that same vein, people are avoiding Bunky. Because they're mad at him for those reasons I don't completely understand, that I just mentioned. Eventually, he confronts Monica about it, and she responds with a series of unrelated phrases, closing by telling him that he's "throwing some stuff out that's real not cute, baby." Nicole won't even talk to Bunky about her beef with him, because she says that she's so mad she'll make him cry. Poor Bunky.

Will tells the camera that "civil war" has broken out among "the smokers." He looks very seriously into the camera. "And you have to ask yourself," he says, "can anyone take pleasure in watching groups of people get angry at each other and tear each apart, verbally, psychologically and emotionally? I can. And I sit there and do it every day." Maybe Will ought to apply for a job here at Mighty Big TV. ["You know, I have to tell you...he would get it." -- Wing Chun]

So, America's Choice time, yet again. America apparently feels the houseguests deserve a pig. I have no comment. "Oh my god, I'm so in love," Krusta says, re: the pig. Why am I not surprised that Krusta would fall in love with a pig? Kent's also become quite fond of the pig. "Kent has found solstice [sic] with [the pig]," Hardly solemnly tells the camera. That's an unusual thing to find in a pig. Is Kent becoming a Druid?

Early one morning, Kent and Will are outside on the patio, yakking about their nominations. Nicole and Krusta start talking about the fact that Kent and Will are talking, and they wake Monica up, or something, and she loses it for the second time this episode, screaming that she doesn't want to talk about the game, especially first thing in the morning! She can't talk about it anymore! She can't! Nicole just sort of walks out of the room.

Later, in the living room, Kent tells Nicole and Monica that he doesn't care if they snub him, but that there's no need to tar Bunky with the same brush. Basically, he just asks them to be nice to Bunky. And Monica totally goes insane. Screaming, yelling, stamping her foot, waving her finger in his face. I have no idea what she's even saying, not that that's unusual when Monica is concerned. Everyone watches Monica scream and hit pillows and start to cry that she's never done anything to either Kent, or Bunky, and...then it drifts into total nonsense once again. She threatens to bust "their fucking asses if they fuck with her again." Everyone discretely looks away from the crazy lady.

Man, this episode is action-packed! In the Monday meeting, Kent totally blows the lid off Hardly's cover. First, he rather calmly tells the assembled that TOP needs to stand together, that he can't believe Hardly is now Will's best friend, and that Hardly is the biggest threat in the game, and the one TOP needs to remove. He tells everyone that they've got the votes to get Hardly out of the house the following week, provided they vote Will out instead of Kent. Hardly's looking like a cornered animal, and yelps that Kent has no idea what he's talking about. Then it gets really ugly. Hardly starts yelling. Kent yells back. Insults are exchanged. "You're a liar, you're a liar, you're a liar!" Kent shouts at Hardly. Hardly responds that Kent is a liar, too! "I'll tell you what," Kent shouts, "why don't you tell everyone who's going to be standing beside you? Who's #2, [Hardly]? Who's number two?" Hardly self-righteously asks the rest of the houseguests to raise their hands if he promised any of them the second place. No one does, because each of them is confined by his or her vow of secrecy, but everyone sort of eyes each other. Hardly repeats his rigmarole that he's all playing for other people, so people like Kent don't win. "Oh, please -- you expect people to believe that?" Kent says. Go Kent! Everyone in the living room is looking straight ahead. Hardly sarcastically calls Kent "classy," and then tells the rest of the crowd to believe what they want to believe, and throws some more of his usual pseudo-trustworthy crap on the table. I hope it's not wishful thinking on my part when I notice that some people are looking at Hardly a little more doubtfully than usual. Also, I think Hardly looks guilty. Also, he's wearing way too much eyeliner.

Thursday. I hate to break it to you, but this episode is just full of filler, especially compared to Tuesday's scream-athon. Because Julie looked super-cute last week, she looks awful this week, in a long brown jacket and matching shiny brown capris. She looks like she forgot to take off her raincoat. Julie, Julie, Julie. One step forward, two steps back, man. Anyway, she tells us that there are new alliances in this house every ding dang day. "The finest line in the house is between who's got your back, and who's stabbing you in the back," she says. I'm going to embroider that on a little pillow and put it on my bed.

Will gleefully tells the camera that he's finally become aware of what's going on in the house. And he can't believe he didn't figure it out before! In other words, Will's finally been clued in to the fact that Krusta and Hardly have been in an alliance since day three. Will's hair is gigantic as he listens to Krusta spill the beans.

Then he runs and tells Nicole all about it, including the fact that Krusta and Hardly discuss the people in the house using their pack of cards. Now, there was some question in the forums about whether or not this information about the cards is a lie, but I think that certain people in the house do use playing cards to communicate non-verbally, so even though Will implies that he made the card thing up, I don't think he did. Or maybe he did, but what he thought he made up is actually true. I don't know. This entire show is giving me a big fat headache.

Krusta lies to Nicole, telling her that she's not, not, not in cahoots with Hardly. Nicole looks blank.

Will tells the camera that he thinks Hardly is getting primed to double-cross Krusta.

Nicole runs to the HoH room and confronts Hardly about his alleged allegiance to Krusta. He sputters that he doesn't think Krusta is going to double-cross Nicole. I'm so confused. I need a flow chart to keep all of this straight.

Speaking of double-crossing, Krusta slyly tells Will that if he gets HoH, he needs to eliminate Hardly, and then slide right into Hardly's spot in UT. Man, she's a real double-dealer, isn't she? But we all knew that.

Meanwhile, Nicole tells Bunky that her new goal is to rid the house of Krusta and Monica. I guess she's not mad enough to try to make Bunky cry anymore.

"This is how it's gonna go down," Krusta tells Will, out on the patio. "You, me, and Monica in the final three. Then you cut Monica out." I'd say Monica's and Hardly's trust has, indeed, been well placed in Krusta. She's just as upright and fair-minded as can be.

, Julie tells us that Hardly is "one of America's most popular with internet fans [sic]." Yeah, about two weeks ago. We hate him now, CBS. Don't you read the forums? Anyhoo, cue about sixty-nine minutes of pure, pro-Hardly filler, including a lengthy interview with his girlfriend/beard Lindsay, and multiple shots of Hardly pouring water over his admittedly hard body. Everyone in the viewing audience pulls themselves out of their easy chairs, ambles into the kitchen and stares inside the fridge for twenty minutes. When we all get back, Lindsay is still talking about how pretty Hardly is.

At last, we get to the voting. Krusta votes to evict Kent. I might drop dead from the shock!

, more filler: a review of what's happened in the house over the last few weeks. Dear Arnold Shapiro: We watch the show. Thanks. Love, the world

Live show, at last. Julie and Bunky discuss the fact that he hasn't been nominated yet. Bunky is sure he'll get his turn. Yammer yammer yammer. Blah blah blah. This is completely the boringest Thursday ever. Kent says something about being ready to go home, blah blah decency, blah blah dignity, blah blah blah blah blah. Will orchestrates a live, and very wooden, sing-along of "I Will Survive." Julie laughs weakly and makes a mental note to call her agent.

Vote #2. Per her usual M.O., Nicole tears up and sobs that she doesn't want to vote Kent out of the house, but she has to.

HoH interview. Where's that macro I wrote for this? You know the drill. Hardly says a lot of shit we already know. The high point is when Julie presses him for the names of people in his alliance: he names Nicole, but that's it. He also sputters "um" about a hundred times.

Finally, they kick poor Kent out of the house, four votes to none. Kent books out of there as fast as his middle-aged little legs can carry him. Go with God, Kent. Seriously. You're better off away from those people. Run, Kent, run!

On the patio, the houseguests indulge in their usual post-eviction yammering and futzing. Everyone justifies their actions to one another and pats each other on the back and then thinks about what horrible people they're turning into and how much they hate everyone else in the house.

Kent sits down with Julie and gives by far the most candid interview yet. Highlights? Julie asks him about Hardly, and Kent responds that "yesterday [Hardly] got [a banner] that said he was a lying, two-faced snake in the grass. [Kent] can't argue with that statement." Despite his hatred for Hardly, however, Kent thinks that Hardly will probably win the game. He doesn't care though, he says, because he knows he's still going to be able to look people in the face, implying that Hardly won't. , Julie brings up Bunky. Kent says some very nice stuff about Bunky, but admits that he still thinks homosexuality is abnormal and perverse. I wish he hadn't said that. On the other hand, Kent says he'd still invite Bunky to his home. He's very good friends with Bunky, and he respects Bunky's right to do whatever he wants in the privacy of his own bedroom. Kent tells Julie that he knew Bunky would vote to evict him, because they talked about it. "He has to live in that house," Kent points out.

, Julie rolls tape of each of the votes. Bunky sobs, natch. Nicole sobs, also natch. Monica says some stuff that makes no sense, natch, part the third. Krusta talks shit, again, natch. Kent looks a little sad.

More talking. Kent complains about all the "freaks" in the house, mentioning that one of them "[drinks] Nyquil to get a buzz." The Live Feeders cheer! They know he means Krusta! The Banner People cheer more when Kent thanks everyone who sent the pro-Kent banners. Julie's looking over at the cameramen, thinking, "Shit! We're not supposed to talk about the banners!" Kent loved the banners. Dude, we all love the banners. Too bad we never get to see them on television. Finally, Kent says that he'd love to see Bunky win the game, and then Julie brings in his wife and daughters. Cue hugs and kisses.

Time for the HoH competition. This week, it's an inane game in which each houseguest has to slide a large key as far along a table as they can, without sliding it off the table. It's basically like shuffleboard on a ping-pong table, and it's as boring as it sounds. Slide, slide, slide. At last, Nicole achieves her goal of becoming HoH. And so the plot thickens. Who will lose his or her sanity week? Who will double-cross their best friend? Who won't?