FYI: Turns out the show is moving to 9 PM week, due to the "adult content." Whee! Adult content! Anyway. Saturday. Doesn't it feel like Saturday was a really, really long time ago? I know. Anyway, just to remind y'all, Shannon's gotten the boot, the glorious, glorious boot. And Will's sort of broken up about the end of his Great, True Love, but it's not like he's on his knees, wailing, and beating his breast, or anything. He tells us very calmly that he's "longing" for Shannon and that he came very close to walking out of the house along with her. But, he says, then he thought about all the money on the line, and how cute Krista is, and, also, all the screen time he's getting, and he got over the Pain and the Agony right quick.
Hardy's not dealing very well with things either; he's all weepy in the Diary Room, sniffling something about not wanting to break up a happy couple, and how this is -- say it with me -- just a game. What happened to the whole "I want those motherfuckers out of my fucking house" thing? Buck up, Hardy. Jeepers.
Outside, Will's still waxing poetic about how brave his sweet, psychotic Shannon is, and that she walked out of the house with her head held high. He then tells Mike that he -- Will, not Mike, though the sentiment still applies -- is a lying cheater, and he's "probably going to walk out of here with [his] head down."
Nicole voice-overs that she has nothing bad to say about Shannon whatsoever. Nicole is really playing the game well; she's not kissing people's asses, but she's got both Chill Town and TOP thinking she's voting with them. I like Nicole. I've even gotten accustomed to her weird eyebrows.
Will mopes around the kitchen. Bunky asks whether there's anything they can do to fill the "Shannon void." Will sighs that, now that he's single, he's going to "try and [sic] hook up with Nicole." Nicole laughs and puts down her paring knife to give Will a hug.
, the houseguests discuss last week's Head of Household competition, and Mike's general stupidity in not being able to figure out that a week's worth of groceries would cost more than two hundred bucks. Kent says that he thought Mike would win the competition for sure, since he's "a restaurant owner." Mike claims that he hasn't shopped for groceries in over a year. I'd hate to see the inside of his refrigerator. He must eat all his meals at Belly, or something. Or, you know, that's just an excuse, and the truth is that he's stupid.
The Big Brother producers must have hired a new music editor, because this entire episode is backed by this wacky pseudo-carnival music, complete with the Gleeful Tubas of Sequestered Hijinks. Kent cheerfully moves his gear to the HoH room. Mike's incredibly bitter about it, calling Kent an "ingrate," among other nasty things. Kent, for his part, is bitter because Big Brother didn't stock his mini-fridge with beer. He really, really wants beer. Frankly, after five weeks of this show, I could use some beer. Or some barbiturates. Just kidding, Mom! (Not really).
Kent asks Hardy who he would nominate, if he had to make the choice again this week. Hardy's extremely unhelpful, telling Kent to make his own call. The twittery music burbles along in the background. It's very odd musical choice for this scene. If you only listened to the soundtrack, you'd think this was montage of plate-juggling monkeys. Kent muses that it's "unimaginative" to nominate Will and Mike, and mentions that he's thinking about nominating Krista. Then, Kent gets the brilliant idea to nominate Bunky and Mike, so Bunky can get some "air time," or Hardy and Mike, so Hardy can have the satisfaction of defeating Mike, mano a mano. Neither Bunky nor Hardy is particularly enthusiastic about these plans.
In the yard, Mike is sort of freaking about the possibility of being nominated. Will listens to him, coolly, floating on an air mattress in the hot tub. Mike thinks it's going to be him and Will, or Will and Krista. Will calmly observes that if he gets nominated, he's out. He admits that he isn't even unpacking his bags. He's not very broken up about it. Mike spews some shit about popularity contests and it's so boring and repetitive to me that I doze off. When I wake up, Mike is wondering whether he's "that unenjoyable [sic] to be around?" The viewing public votes overwhelmingly in the affirmative. In the Big Blue Chair of Total Morons, Mike says that if Kent "dares" to put him up, he'll "fight to the end."
The houseguests are all nervous about the upcoming food competition. You know, I'd feel way worse about all of them having to eat peanut butter and jelly for weeks on end if I personally hadn't lived on PB and J and Ramen noodles for months when I was in college. It sucked, but I'd do it in a heartbeat for $500,000. Hell, at this point, I'd do it for $5,000. This week's food competition involves a "food pyramid," and is accompanied by a stylized version of that song "The Sheik of Araby," which you'd know if I hummed it. My parents used to sing that song to me when I was a little girl, and I had my hair up in a towel turban after my bath. Hey, I was four. It was cute. Anyway, as HoH, Kent gets to be Master of Ceremonies for this particular competition, and he's really eating it up with a spoon. The game is pretty easy. Each of the houseguests is in charge of one section of the food pyramid; Will, for example, is assigned to seafood, and Nicole to the vegetables. Each of them gets three questions about their section of the pyramid. If they get two of the three questions correct, all of the houseguests will receive that type of food for the upcoming week. The highlights of the competition? Hardy utters the phrase, "I like meat." Monica misses a very difficult question about homogenization as opposed to pasteurization. Will rides a plastic lobster around the basketball court (it's quite amusing, really), and Krista thinks mushrooms are a fruit. Yeah. Mushrooms. A fruit. Krista's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. But we knew that. So, the houseguests actually do fairly well in the competition, scoring sweets, veggies, meat, seafood and starches -- everything but fruits and dairy. No cheese! No ice cream! No grapes! Dude, that's, like, my entire daily diet.
After the food competition, some of the women loll around the house and discuss how horny they all are. I sure hope everyone who knows them is watching this, because there's nothing a kid likes better than going to school and being taunted with the fact that his mom is dying for a piece of ass. Krista explains that the first thing she's going to do when she gets out of the house is "get her some," because her sex drive is "off the hook." In a federal prison somewhere, Justin makes a note to make a break for it as soon as Krista gets the boot. Monica tells the world that she's been celibate for a year and a half. That's nothing, she says, because she's previously gone without for up four years. Krista looks amazed. She thinks she's hitting her sexual peak, she says, because sex is all she can think about. Nicole calls out from the kitchen that, eight months ago, her sex drive was out of control and her husband was all worried that he wasn't going to be able to satisfy her after they got married. Monica nods solemnly, and explains that celibacy isn't so bad, because once you've gone for a certain period of time without getting any, you sort of go into sexual hibernation: you don't even want it anymore. "If I get a taste of it, though," Monica says, "it's going on." Later, the girls stroll into the kitchen, where Hardy's walking around with his shirt off. Monica warns him that if he doesn't stop touching her, she's going to jump him. The two of them start dancing around the kitchen, all pumping their legs and arms into the air. It's funny. But I really don't want to be thinking that they're all dying to get some. I mean, that's natural, and fine, and all, but I don't need to know. I just don't. No, thank you. Nope.
Arts and crafts time: each houseguest gets to make a mosaic stepping stone. It's cute to see all of them sitting around and concentrating on their little projects, since I'm sure they've been dying for something constructive to work on, other than, you know, plotting and back-stabbing. Me, I've been out of work for a while now and I'm going completely stir-crazy at home. And I have television, and a radio, and my computer, and plenty of reading material. And I'm still pretty much teetering on the edge of sanity. Anyway. Where was I? Oh, right. Mike decides to use his stone to win Krista's heart, making a mosaic of their initials and a big old heart. Barf. In the Big Blue Chair of Poor, Poor Krista, the woman in question drawls that she doesn't know what Mike is thinking. "He done lost his mind. Then he wore a kimono and got in my bed," Krista says.
That's not some wacky colloquial Southern expression, either. See, Mike overheard Krista claim that if she could have an affair with any fictional character, it would be Dracula. So, he concocts this goofy Dracula get-up, complete with Will's kimono and a faux Ascot, fashioned from someone's fringed scarf. He climbs into Krista's bed and waits for her, all dressed like that. "You're looking good," Will lies, chortling into his pillow. "I got the whole package!" Mike exclaims. "I got a kimono! I got an ascot!" Yeah, because everyone knows ascots are hot, hot, hot. In 1876. ["I didn't realize kimonos were big in Transylvania." -- Wing Chun]
Krista, wisely, is totally avoiding her bed. She's futzing around the bathroom. She goes out and smokes on the patio. "If she rejects me," Mike tells Will, "I might have to break up Nicole's marriage." Because, you know, he's that irresistible. At last, poor, pathetic, stupid, musically challenged Mike falls asleep waiting for Krista. She sees him, splayed out in her bed, and sort of shakes her head and climbs in there with him.
Will and Kent confab. Will thinks Kent ought to keep him in the house, because he's not a threat to win the cash. How many times have we heard this? I'd like to take that nap now, if I may. No? Fine. Okay, so Will admits that Shannon was "vicious." And that he was guilty by association. Krista, by the way, is totally hearing all of this. Will points out that it would be harder for Kent to be in the finals with Krista or Bunky or Hardy than it would be for him to be in the finals with Will.
So Krista trots right over and tells Mike about Kent and Will's entire conversation, and makes some comment to the effect that Will's dissing of Shannon has, like, destroyed everything she believes to be true and right in the world. Mike wonders whether maybe Will was playing Kent, but Krista doesn't think he was. She also believes Kent is out for Mike. Mike is royally pissed that Kent doesn't remember that he "saved his ass." Why isn't Mike pissed that Will is making a play for Mike to be nominated in his place? I'd be more upset about a friend selling me out than an enemy plotting to evict me.
Will and Kent talk again, and make a deal that if Kent doesn't nominate Will this week, Will won't nominate Kent in the future. In the Big Blue Chair of the Puppetmaster Returns, Will admits that he does think Kent "owes" Mike, but that he also needs to save his own ass by going along with the group. "I'm the biggest liar in the house," he says, "maybe the biggest liar in California, and -- let's go out on a limb here -- maybe the biggest liar in America." I hate to say it, but that really cracked me up. I can't help it! He's funny! I love to hate him! Anyhoo, Will claims that he's going to get HoH week, and that he's going to nominate Kent and Hardy week! Aww, Puppetmaster. I missed you, and I didn't even know it.
As part of his HoH luxuries, Kent gets letters and pictures from his family. He cries. I sniffle. It's all very sweet.
Nomination time. Ritual blah, ritual blee. The two poor slobs on the cutting block this week are Mike and Krista. Krista looks perturbed, but Mike is outright pissed. Kent skips the usual "it's nothing personal" speech and gets right down to the nitty gritty, telling Mike that he nominated him because Chill Town "meant painfulness, mean-spiritedness, and that's unfortunate, because out of the house [Mike is] a stand-up guy." Smoke comes out of Mike's ears. Kent says he nominated Krista because she's playing the game "for Krista, by Krista," because she's "betrayed confidences," and because he doesn't respect her strategery. Krista purses her lips. Monday, Kent says, they'll have a meeting to discuss the nominations. Mike is all, we'll discuss them now, and then he totally throws Kent's kids in his face, asking how he's going to answer them when they ask why he sold out "Mike Boogie," who saved him in the first week. I have so many things I'd like to say about this little speech. First, Mike, Kent's kids probably don't call you "Mike Boogie," you fuckwit. They probably call you, say, "that rat-faced little twat." Second, could you be more of an ass? To Kent's immense credit, he remains very calm. I would have slapped Mike's face and then kicked him in the shins. And then I would have pantsed him. And then pointed, and laughed. "I didn't ask you not to nominate me," Kent reminds Mike. Kent doesn't know why he owes Mike something the other nine people who escaped nomination that week don't. Mike yammers. Kent calmly repeats that the rest of the people in the house aren't happy with Mike. Mike spits that Chill Town is no different from the rest of them, and that they're all going to turn on each other eventually. Kent raises his brow. "I don't care about when I leave," he says firmly. "I care about how I leave." And with that, Kent takes the Box of Fate, turns on his heels, and leaves the room. Go Kent! Kent is totally my new boyfriend. My older, glasses-wearing, mole-having, Ronald Reagan-loving boyfriend. I never thought I'd say those words.
Mike pissily tells the camera that he and Kent are going to have a "war" this week. Will sits at the table, all alone, and thinks about stuff. Inside, he's laughing maniacally.
Tuesday. I'm really beginning to hate all of these people. All of them. I hate having to spend my time with them. Mike whines that he's unhappy with Kent's "lies and deceit." Oh, shut up, Mike. Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! God. Shut your big fat rapping mouth. I told you I can't take these people anymore, but I don't think I mentioned that I've been trying to eradicate the F word from my vocabulary. I have a feeling that's going to be a tough row to hoe today. Because I fucking hate these people.
Will calls Krista's and Mike's nomination "a death blow to Chill Town." Then he and Mike whine for a hundred years.
In the Big Blue Chair of The Woman Who Gets No Screen Time, Which Is Probably Why I Still Like Her, Monica wishes that Kent had nominated Will along with Mike.
Kitchen. Mike is still whining. "It's like being in a movie, and the extras and the stand-ins fucking take over the movie, and the stars are out. Because I'm a fucking star and he's a fucking extra," he says. All over North America, psychiatrists turn to their spouses. "Delusions," they say. The spouses nod. Will looks at his lap. Mike puts his feet on the table. "Straight up," he says. "Period. The end." I clasp my hands over my mouth to stop the stream of expletives. ["Plus, get your dirty shoes off the table. People eat off that." -- Wing Chun]
Mike's outside, all trying to work though his anger by lifting weights and running around. Kent isn't surprised by Mike's anger, he says, because "[Mike]'s an immature person." A thousand times word. Bunky admits that he's sort of taken aback by Mike's vehemence. In order to assuage Mike, Krista offers to spoon with him. He's all, "Yes!" Gross. That is so, so gross. Mike talks some more about how much he hates Kent. Mike? You know how you feel about Kent? That's how America feels about you. Sorry. Wait, I'm not sorry at all. I hope the good people of Los Angeles (and, despite this shameful display from Mike, there are some decent people in this city) picket Belly until the end of time. The end of TIME!
Okay, so there's this thread on the forums in which we choose horrible and humiliating nicknames for each of the houseguests, and whomever dubbed Krista "Krusta" (sarcasmick, I think) was so right on the money. I shall henceforth adopt "Krusta" as her name. Because she's crusty. And I'm not just talking about the cold sore. Although that's part of it. Blee blee, Mike wants Krusta to win because he loves her and wants to have ten thousand of her babies. For her part, Krusta is pissed that Kent said people think she's a "non-trusting [sic]" person.
In the bathroom, Nicole tells Krusta that Kent is speaking for himself and not the rest of the house. "week, it's on," Krusta says. "Not with you, baby. Not with you." Nicole sort of groans to herself. Over in the Big Blue Chair of I Think Nicole is Playing the Hell Out of This Game, Nicole observes that Krusta is just telling people what they want to hear.
Kent tells Krusta he never said he was speaking for the house. Krusta babbles. In the Big Blue Chair of Please Airlift Some Abreva Into That House, Stat, Krusta and her cold sore say that if she gets to stay in the house, and she gets HoH, she's going to make Kent's life "pure, disastrous, miserable hell." Is there any way both Mike and Krusta can get kicked out together? Like, maybe, one of them could get evicted, and a flaming meteor could hit the other the day in the yard? That would be okay.
In the Big Blue Chair of Unresolved Anger Issues, Mike says that he thinks TOP (he calls them "the smokers") are turning on each other. In this case, Mike is right. Hardy, especially, seems to be losing his mind. He's sniffling in the yard to Monica and Krusta that he wants to be able to hang with all of them, even the Chill Towners, once the game is all over. Why? These people are tools, Hardy.
Hardy is so worked up about the way this game is turning him into a rotten person that he goes to everyone in TOP and tells each of them that he won't talk about alliances or voting or anything related to the game anymore. Nicole wonders aloud what this means for their alliance. Nicole, I think it means it's over.
Kent and Bunky scamper into the HoH room to talk about Hardy's slippery descent into madness. Bunky thinks that this most recent development is just part of Hardy's master plan to win. Maybe it is. And maybe he's just losing it. If I had to live in that house, with those people, for a month, with no music, or television, or books -- no way to distract myself from the stress and the horror of living with the likes of Shannon and Mike -- it'd drive me over the edge, too. Hell, I'd probably be grinding up glass and sneaking it into Mike's mashed potatoes, and plotting to drown Krusta in the pool.
It's Filler Time: Mike is teaching Will and Bunky some kind of boy band dance. Please, girl.
Luxury challenge. This particular challenge is so dumb and so boring. I'm not even going there. Seriously? No one cares about this competition. It involves tossing CDs into a bowl in the pool. A bowl. In the pool. Who the hell thought this would be interesting for the viewing public? I want to see a luxury competition in which the houseguests are instructed to shoot apples off each other's heads and the one who doesn't get his or her eye shot out gets, you know, the pleasure of not having to wear an eyepatch. Long story short? Monica wins a Discman and the CD of her choice, which turns out to be Michael Jackson's Off the Wall.
Will climbs into bed. "Dude this is the third night in twenty-eight days that I haven't slept with a 6'10" chick with a g-string on!" he laughs. I laugh, too. I'm sorry. I know he's the devil and all, but Will's totally been bringing the funny lately. I can't resist the funny. Will and Mike compare Big Brother to prison, but agree that there's more sex in prison. ["I really took that as a hint that Mike wanted to have some 'prison sex' with Will. Because Mike wants to have ten thousand of Will's babies." -- Wing Chun]
Kent says that people are really missing their families, and as if on cue (the magic of editing!), Nicole cries that she misses her husband. She'd give up "food for the rest of the week" to hear from him. This is so leading up to the America's Choice Phone Call From Home Luxury Extravaganza. Please let Will get a call from his tortoise. Please let Will get a call from his tortoise. Actually, that reminds me: you know how Will's mother was saying that Will's love of animals proves that he's not evil, and whatnot? I've been reading Helter Skelter, Vincent Bugliosi's book about Charles Manson, and Charles Manson really, really loved animals. More than people. So, I don't know how strong an argument that is for Will's humanity. Not that Will's anywhere near as bad as Charles Manson. You know what I mean. ["You know who else loves animals? Bill Maher. To me, he's just as evil as Will and Charles Manson combined." -- Wing Chun]
Oh, right. America's Choice. Whatever. The housemates all play to the camera in hopes of getting to talk to their loved ones, even though it's really too late to affect the voting. Their begging is interspersed with more talk about how hot Hardy is. I never thought I'd be saying this, but enough with the Hardy is Hot rigmarole, already. I get it. He's good-looking. America wants to lick him. Whatever! I hate Tuesdays. Nothing. Ever. Happens. Anyway, at this point, Bunky and Nicole have a very amusing conversation, comparing Hardy to a zucchini. Allow me to paraphrase: say you get stranded on a desert island, and the only thing to eat is zucchini. And you don't like zucchini. And even if you did, you "can't eat the zucchini." So you don't eat the zucchini. But the longer you're on the island, the better the zucchini looks. And soon, you're dying to eat the zucchini. And "every once in a while, the zucchini touches you!" Bunky and Nicole riff hilariously about the allure of the zucchini. "Zucchini is better than nothing," Bunky says. Poor Hardy. Reduced to a green, phallic-shaped vegetable.
Sweet God, Nicole is shaving Will's body for him in the yard. I'm blind! I'm blind! Will wants to know whether there is anyway to save Mike. "By voting Krista out," Nicole calmly replies. Will wonders if that's at all a possibility. "Anything can be done," Nicole Zens. Will asks "how they'd pull a third." Nicole shrugs. "I could do it," she says. "Who could you pull?" Will asks. "Anybody I want," Nicole tells him. Will asks her to "name her price." Nicole tells him that she feels like he's trying to set her up, although Will denies it. She says that Mike needs to come to her directly before she does anything. Big Blue Chair of Suddenly, Nicole Holds All the Power. She admits that she can see the allure of voting Krusta out of the house. She says she doesn't know what she's going to do.
America's Choice results. By a margin of thirty-four votes, Hardy gets to talk to his grandma. It's the boringest phone call ever. Not that my phone calls with my grandma are all that riveting. I wonder if the Big Brother people instructed Grandma not to talk about what she's seeing on television, because all they're talking about is her health, and I think if I were in Hardy's position, and I was talking to, say, my mother, I'd be asking about who was trying to screw me, not about her health. Not that I don't care about my mother's health. I mean, I'd get to it. Just not right off the bat.
Oh, sweet merciful crap. The producers have given the houseguests a Ouija board. Personally, I had some creepy experiences with a Ouija board when I was younger, and I try not to mess with that stuff so much any more. Better safe than sorry, and all. But I don't believe for a second that the housemates are contacting any spirits from beyond the grave. In fact, Will more or less admits that he was pushing the planchette. "I pretty much told people what I wanted to hear," he admits. "The bigger the lie you tell, the more believable it is," he finishes. Everyone believes Will's planchette pushing, too, because they all get freaked when the board tells them that their behavior in the house is giving them bad karma. Dude, I could have told them that. ["Also I wanted to add that, leading up to the Ouija montage, the houseguests were saying that the house is 'haunted' because they could hear voices in the walls. Um. There are people in the walls. They're called the producers. And the house? Is a set. It's not fucking haunted. Morons!" -- Wing Chun]
Will tiptoes into the bathroom and asks Nicole whether there's any way she'd join an alliance with him and Mike. Nicole is non-committal. Will pleads that he really wants to keep Mike in the house. Nicole raises her brows. In the bedroom, Will tells Mike that Nicole is considering an alliance with the two of them. Mike doesn't think he can do that to Krusta. "Tell me why you can't do it," Will asks. "Because you don't want to look like an asshole on TV? Too late, man, you've already done it." Mike sort of chuckles. Truer words, friends, truer words.
Big Blue Chair of the Doomed. Mike says that if he somehow escapes eviction, he'll be "shocked and amazed." And North America will be horrified and appalled.
Over the couple of days, Mike talks himself into believing that Krusta really wants to leave the house. He and Will play backgammon, and Will tells Mike that he's totally getting over Shannon's absence, and that there's no reason to believe that Mike won't recover from Krusta's departure. The Puppetmaster music begins tinkling in the background once again.
What with the Puppetmaster music and all, I totally thought this episode was over, but no such luck. Nicole still has to complain about all the cleaning she does in the house. Monica wisely points out that if Nicole wants other people to clean, she needs to give them a chance to do so. Every time anyone goes to clean something, Hardy agrees, Nicole has already done the work. Damn, people, just make a chore list and have done with it! If I wanted to listen to an argument about chores, I'd move back in with my parents.
Big Blue Chair of the Puppetmaster Lives! Will uses the word "Chilltonians." I stop listening. ["'Chilltonians.' Folks, this man is a medical doctor." -- Wing Chun]
Kent and Hardy confab by the pool. Kent tells Hardy that if he's not in TOP, he's a target. Hardy says something, but I think I can see....through his shorts...is that...? What? Oops, the scene is over. I have no idea what happened there, but I think Hardy said something about making sure the people he wants to win, do win. Those "people" he wants to win better not include Krusta.
Will:. "I don't want to hurt [Krusta], either, but I also don't want to hurt Will," he explains. Oh, Will's out for himself? I totally had no idea. Thank God we cleared that up!
Thursday. Julie Chen's outfit is, once again, super-cute. She seems to alternate weeks, with the cuteness and all. Last week: bad. This week: good. Her pants are all black and white and cropped and patterned. I like them. She's saying something about "surprising new alliances," but I don't catch all of it, because I'm busy appreciating her pants. And thinking that she could use a big, juicy meatball sandwich. That's not a euphemism: Julie has skinny legs.
Krusta and Mike make noise about how torn up they are, being up against each other and whatnot. My heart is totally bleeding. With hatred.
Out on the patio, Mike and His Immense Maturity get into it with Kent. "Are you staring at me?" Mike asks. "Mike, why don't you grow up?" Kent asks wearily. "Oh, we're talking about age and maturity now?" Mike snarks. Kent just looks sad. I'd like to point out that the "stop staring at me" argument got old about fifteen years ago, when my mother informed me and my sister that if we didn't shut up, she was going to turn the car around and we'd never get to go to Disneyland. And, dude, Mike has so much anger in his eyes. It'd be scary if he were anything other than a big old poseur. Everyone else watches warily, as Mike brings up Kent's kids again. "Keep my kids out of it," Kent says. "I'll keep your kids in it if I want," Mike sasses. "You better watch yourself," Kent warns Mike -- pretty calmly, considering how jerky Mike is. "What are you going to do?" Mike sneers. Kent just looks away. You know what's comforting me, through all this hatred and venom toward Mike that's flowing through my veins like the opposite of the milk of human kindness? The fact that he's never going to get a date again.
Big Blue Chair of Herpes Simplex II: Krusta twangs that she's real mad about the stuff Kent said about her, being untrustworthy. She swears it isn't true!
More machinations. Will explains to the camera that he really wants Mike to stay in the house, but Mike's dragging his feet because he doesn't want to screw Krusta. Well, he doesn't want to screw her over. Will informs Mike that he really thinks he can talk Nicole into aligning with them, and using her power to sway the vote toward evicting Krusta. Mike makes conflicted faces.
Yackety smackety, more alliance talk. Seriously, at this point, I am so confused. Everyone's indulging in so much back-and-forth, and doublespeak, and lies, that I really don't know what's going on. Nicole is talking to everyone about everyone, and somehow Kent and Hardy are involved, and it's all, don't tell him, tell him, do tell him, don't tell him. I don't know. The best I can figure out is that, for some reason, Kent and Hardy are irritated with each other, and Hardy has decided that he likes Mike. "I really like Mike," Hardy says. Hardy says that he likes Mike. He says it aloud. Hardy, are you high?
Kent and Bunky stand outside and discuss, in hushed tones, the fact that they can't trust Krusta or Hardy. Apparently.
Krusta's still on her virulent anti-Kent rampage, and, honestly, I don't get why she's so pissed. He said she was deceitful. From what I've read about the live feeds, duplicity is the least of Krusta's problems. Also, so what? They're all being deceitful to a certain extent, and she nominated him earlier in the game. Turnabout, fair play, and so on. "If I stay in the house, Kent's really gonna get it. He's gonna feel the reap," Krusta says. Huh? Is that a riff on the old Blue Oyster Cult song, "Don't Fear The Reaper"? Is "the reap" short for "the Grim Reaper," and Krusta is, in effect, saying that she plans to kill Kent? Is she referring to the phrase "reaping what [you] sow"? Is she just smoking crack?
Then the earth starts turning backward on its axis, blood rains from the skies, the seas boil, and the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse take to the streets: Hardy, Will, and Nicole pinky-swear an alliance in the bathroom. Hardy. Will. Aligned. People, we have reached the end time.
Kent sits out on the patio, alone, talking to the camera. He softly calls the young'uns inside the house "freaks," and says that the really cool and hip people are "moms and dads." Poor Kent. He seems so lonely and depressed. I feel for him. "The love of a child, or the love of a mate, is the kind of thing that will last forever. These are the kind of people I hope my children don't grow up to be," he muses. That makes two of us, Kent, and I don't even have any children.
Time to meet the families of this week's nominees. First, we travel to Opelousas, Louisiana, which is extremely green and pretty. Krusta's friends and boss say how friendly and nice and well-liked and well-known Krusta is, although her boss admits that since Big Brother has started airing, people have become "concerned about her." Yeah, because she's chugging NyQuil and macking with a knife-welding psycho. Krusta's friend Casey wrinkles her nose. "I don't think Mike's that cute. I don't know what she's thinking. I don't know why she hasn't gone for Hardy," Casey says. Up until the last ten minutes, I would have agreed with Casey wholeheartedly. Now that Hardy has joined the Forces of Darkness, I don't know what to think. I also don't know what to think about the fact that the Forces of Darkness, namely Will, have totally grown on me. The funny: it weakens me.
Endless shots of fake boobies fade to an interview with Lenny, Mike's so-called "partner" at Belly, who implores the rest of the houseguests to "drop the zero and keep the hero." I find it remarkably apropos that Lenny would campaign for Mike using the tag line from Vanilla Ice's seminal film, Cool As Ice.
Vote number one. Will says some nice stuff about Krusta, but votes her scabby ass out of the house anyway.
We further investigate Hardy's and Will's godless alliance. Somehow, they've gone from hating, loathing, and deriding one another to comparing their shaved legs. I don't even know what to say about that. Seriously. I'm speechless. I am without speech. The two of them agree that they're not "buddy buddy," but that they have "respect and understanding toward each other." Also, there's that whole part where Hardy can take Will to the end and be assured of beating him in a final vote.
Big Blue Chair of Crest-Fallen TOP Members: Bunky says that it's hard to see Hardy "kissing Will's butt."
At long last, Julie begins the "live" portion of the show. Yammer yammer, it's hard to be HoH, blah blee blee blah, Kent did a good job, yada yada this portion of the show is the same every ding dang week. Finally, Julie gets around to asking Krusta and Mike for their final thoughts. Mike spews some crap about coming to the house to "party" and "have a good time." I miss a lot of what he says because I'm praying that he doesn't rap. No rap. No rap. No rap. No rap. Okay, we dodged a bullet there. It's Krusta's turn, and she treats America (and Canada!) to a long, rambling, senseless speech, encompassing everything from "spooning lessons" to her birthday to alliances to something about "blow[ing] it up for the world." I have no idea what she just said there. I'm sorry. Even the closed captioner gave up, I think. Krusta needs to invest in some note cards time she gives a speech -- for instance, when she goes up to speak at Justin's parole hearing.
Julie shows another vote. Bunky votes to evict Mike because he's "done and said some cruel and hurtful things" during his stay in the house.
Cut to Kent's HoH interview. These, too, are so similar every week. I'm just going to create a macro that reads, "[HoH name] has no regrets about [his/her] tenure as Head of Household. [She/He] realizes that it's just a game. [HoH name] fully expects [HoH enemy] to engineer payback of some kind. [Diplomatic statement of the week]."
Finally, Julie gives the verdict: Mike is out 4-1. He bounds out of his chair and hugs everyone in the house except Kent, who he ignores. Kent firmly wishes Mike good luck, to which Mike responds with a wan "Thanks." Mike tells the rest of his housemates to have plenty of fun, and hopes they don't "kill each other."
At the door, Mike and Krusta have a long talk. Well, Mike talks. Krusta bawls. He gives her his lucky rock, and the birthday candle from their date in the diary room a couple of weeks ago and tells her that he hopes she wins. She snuffles. Finally, Mike manages to untangle himself from her grip and leaves the house. Krusta keens piteously.
Krusta stumbles, wailing, into the bathroom, where Bunky helps her blot her eyes so as not to ruin her mascara and reminds her that Mike isn't, like, dead in the street.
Out in the studio, Mike kisses Julie's hand and chortles that now they "get to flirt in person." Julie is less than thrilled. They talk. The end. See you week!
Kidding! I'm sorry, Mike just exhausts me. Anyway, he tells Julie that "everything got mixed up the first week," what with Justin getting kicked out, and Mike's plan to get rid of Nicole backfiring, and that whole thing where it turned out that he was a total asshole. "There wasn't a way to fix it," Mike explains. Yes, it does seem that his asshole-osity is incurable. Julie brings up Mike's charming stars/extras comment, and Mike yammers something to the effect that he was put in the house for his magnetic and charming personality. I can't hear the rest of the interview over my own retching. The end. See you week!
Shit. More. Mike says that he applied to Big Brother to "have fun," and that he couldn't figure out why the less-fun people were even there. Um, money? That's my best guess. Finally, Julie shows him footage of "the extras" voting his white ass out of there. The end. See you week!
Oh, fine. Bunky says that Mike gave off a "negative vibe." Monica was "disappointed" in his behavior. Hardy says that Mike's actions were "inappropriate and inexcusable." Nicole claims to like Mike, but says that she can't vote out Krusta. That's it! The end! See you week.
Holy fuck. More. Mike talks and talks and talks and talks about Krusta. He wants her to win. He wants her to move to Los Angeles. He wants to "party" with her. Julie unspools footage of Will telling Mike to keep in touch and have a bitchin' summer, and of Krusta weeping that the house isn't the same without him, and thanking him for the "spooning lesson." At long last, Julie brings in Mike's mom and grandma. ["They must be so proud." -- Wing Chun] Cue hugging and learning. The. End. See. You. Week!
Argggggggh. We still have the HoH competition. It's yet another dull and uninteresting houseguest trivia extravaganza, about who was married most, and who served in Desert Storm, and involves a cube, covered in pictures. Finally, it gets down to Hardy and Nicole, and Hardy wins, not that it matters, since they're both in the Pinky-Swear Alliance of Doom with Will. "Damn, it's hard to be so good!" Hardy crows. Shut up. I'm so glad we broke up. I want my CDs back, Hardy. And the last four weeks of my life!
Inside, Hardy says more stuff about being so good. Will mournfully peels Shannon's picture off the cube.
The episode that will not end even throws an America's Choice question into the mix. Apparently, the producers think it's a good idea to introduce an animal into that den of iniquity, and we, the viewing public, have to choose which of God's creatures ought to be sacrificed: a pig, a hamster, or a fish. That poor, poor animal.
Now, Julie goes back into the house to talk about the HoH competition. This is a new twist! She's never done this before! They must have left a little wiggle time in the live portion of the show in case Mike rapped, which, thank God, he did not. Hardy says that he's looking forward to getting the treats, food, and gifts that come with his position of power, and then says that he already knows who he's going to nominate! Julie makes a surprised face and bails to try to wash off the stench of pandering to The Man. Everyone scatters to smoke, except Kent, who's left all alone, thinking about how screwed he is.
The end. See you week. For real, this time.