Saturday’s episode kicks off with a long, long recap of last week’s episodes, the only new tidbit of information being the fact that Mike has defaced his "Belly" t-shirt, using the "B" to spell out "Bayonne" (Justin’s home town), and writing "C-Town" on the back. Mike is retarded. I guess that’s really not new information, is it?
The Chill Towners (as much as I hate writing that without quotation marks, I’m lazy) are "in shock" over the most recent vote, the one knocking Sheryl out of the house. In the Hot Box, Nicole unpacks her suitcases and laughs toward the camera. In the living room, Mike and Shannon sulk on the sofa. "I can’t believe you guys voted for her," Mike pouts. In the Hot Box, Nicole dances gleefully around the room.
Mike tells Shannon that he "feels guilty" because Sheryl ended up getting the boot. "I gotta live with this guilt," he says. "Sherry coulda won 500,000 dollars, and I laid her out like that." He sniffles. Whatever, Mike. I think you’re probably feeling a lot crappier about the fact that your little plan backfired, thus proving that you’re not in charge of the entire universe.
In the Big Blue Chair of No Longer Feeling Quite So Cocky, Mike admits that he’s surprised Nicole’s strategery worked at all.
In the living room, Mike gives Kent a dirty look. "I saved you, and you voted the other way," he says. Kent shrugs and says he had to vote his conscience. Mike snits that he’s going to remember how everyone voted. Shannon nods and scoots closer to Mike, as though for protection. She’s, like, sitting on his lap.
Mike tells Bunky he’s shocked at the way the vote turned out. He shrugs. "If everyone did it for strategy, mad props," he says. "Cool." America rolls its collective eyes at Mike’s tragically misguided use of outdated slang.
Kent comes into the Hot Box to update Nicole, Autumn, Bunky, and Hardy on the events around the rest of the house. Mike is currently haranguing Monica, he says, for voting for Sheryl, unaware that Monica actually voted to evict Nicole. Nicole and Autumn are changing out of their Voting Day ensembles. Hardy shrugs. "Let him cut his own throat, who cares?" he asks. "I’m going to go off on him," Kent says, and starts to leave, but stops and sticks his head back in the room. "Any more women gonna get naked?" he asks mildly. Heh. Who would have thought that Kent would turn out so funny? Funny ha ha, I mean, not funny peculiar.
Chill Town is still weeping in their beer. "These people are frigging psycho," Shannon says. "They. Are. Psycho." Insert your own pot/kettle/black joke here.
In the Hot Box, Hardy says that his goal -- his only goal -- is to get Will, Shannon, and Mike out of the house.
Krista tries to talk Mike down off his little Chill Town Is Ruined! Ruined! ledge by reminding him that "it’s all just a game." Will shakes his head. "We thought we were running the game," he says. "We weren’t running anything." You’re running your reputations into the ground. Does that make you feel better?
In the Big Blue Chair of Shannon Is A Moron, And, From What I Read, An Alleged Murderer, the Prom Queen herself confides that she knows for a fact that Krista voted for Sheryl to stay. The editors cue up some black-and-white footage of Krista solemnly voting to evict Sheryl. You know, the opposite of what Shannon thinks.
Big Blue Chair of Monica Gets No Screen Time: Monica tells us that she’s "keeping it real." Thanks for the update, since we never get to see you, Monica. Maybe keeping it real isn’t very camera-friendly.
Mike informs Shannon and Will that someone from Chill Town needs to win the HoH. He shakes his head. "It’s almost a little refreshing," he says, "because I know where everybody stands, and let’s party. Let’s dance." I really can’t think of any more new, derogatory words to call Mike. Remind me to buy a bigger thesaurus.
Everyone sort of futzes around the house, the Chill Towners avoiding the, um, non-Chill Towners. What are those people calling themselves? The "Real People"? That’s not very clever. I mean, "Chill Town" isn’t very clever, either, but "Real People"? That’s not very catchy. How is Hardy supposed to rally the troops with "Real People"? Anyway. Hardy goes outside and starts watering the lawn. Nicole scampers over to talk to him, and he tells her that he thinks people "appreciate a straight shooter," which helped her escape eviction, in his opinion.
Autumn tells the camera that she’s disgusted with some of the people she has to live with. Disgusted! According to Autumn, Mike hatched some plan to seduce her in order to get her on Chill Town’s side of the Nicole/Sheryl voting blocks. Mike sure has a mighty high opinion of his sexual prowess if he thinks the best way to rally votes over to Chill Town is to nail the chicks in the house, as if once they experience ecstasy at the hands of Mike Boogie, they’ll be putty in his hands. Not that I know for sure, but it seems to me that a thirty-year-old man who still goes by "Boogie" might not be a real lothario.
We switch to Night Vision, where Autumn is in bed with Mike. I don’t even want to think about what could possibly have convinced Autumn that it was a good idea to hook up with Mike. Although Mike is, thus far anyway, the least obviously objectionable of the Chill Towners (which is sort of like being the least condemned person on death row), he’s still obviously playing her. Hello? Autumn? How naïve and needy are you? Anyhoo, Mike’s all, let’s do it now before the other people get here.
Big Blue Chair of Indignity! Autumn can’t believe Mike was actually going to have sex with her to try to get her vote!
Big Blue Chair of Mike Was Going to Have Sex With Her To Try To Get Her Vote. "She’s a liar, she’s an attention-getter," Mike spits disdainfully. It’s true that Mike never does anything to try and get attention. He’s all about quiet dignity.
Back to the Night Vision camera. Night Vision Autumn tells Night Vision Mike that she’d be a bit more comfortable if they were, "like, alone." Mike exhales this very put-upon sigh, and starts to climb out of the bed. "It’s fine, that’s…it’s cool," he says in a very disappointed tone. I’d like to take this moment to explain to the people at CBS who are writing the subtitles for these whispered conversations that the contraction for "it is" -- that is, "it’s" -- takes an apostrophe. So does "that’s." Please bear that in mind, as I can no longer stand reading your grammatically incorrect subtitles, especially in conjunction with the mental agony inherent in having to watch the machinations of these dipwads day in and day out. Thank you!
Autumn tells the camera that she wanted to see how far Mike would take the whole sex-for-votes scandal, and when she saw that he would take it "all the way to the top," she called it off. In horror!
On the bed, Mike and Autumn argue about who pursued whom. Autumn makes a series of sickened faces. In the Big Blue Chair of Big Fat Liars, Mike smiles and says, "The vote was really not that important to [him]." Then he swears the Autumn was "the sexual aggressor," but then he admits that he "told [Chill Town] ‘don’t worry, I got [the vote] handled.’" So, at the very least, Mike planned to succumb to Autumn’s feminine wiles in order to secure her vote. Classy.
The day (I guess), Mike and Autumn sit out by the pool and argue about the Seduction. Mike yells that he "won’t have [his] name associated with sexual harassment!" Autumn yells something about him being the aggressor. They yell at each other simultaneously, and I have no idea who’s saying what. Everyone else in the yard looks uncomfortable except Shannon, who drinks a glass of water and looks amused. Autumn wonders (loudly) why Mike would "single her out" like that. Mike insists, loudly, that she came on to him. Autumn finally just shakes her head and says she wants to drop the entire thing. Mike says he’s going to call a house meeting in half an hour. Autumn says she isn’t going to be there. "Thirty minutes," Mike says. "Fine, great," Autumn snaps.
Over in the Big Blue Chair of Autumn, Why Are You Talking To Shannon?, Autumn tells us that she tried to approach Shannon about "eating better and working out."
Cut to the Big Blue Chair of Shannon Is A Huge, Huge Bitch. Shannon smirks at the camera, self-satisfied. "I put a bag of potato chips on Autumn’s bed," she says. "I thought she was hungry."
In the Hot Box, Autumn weeps and weeps and weeps about the chips on her bed. This is so junior high, I can’t even believe it. Although, now that I think about it, if I were Autumn, I don’t even know if I would have understood why there was a bag of chips on my bed. I think my reaction would have been, like, "Hey, how’d these get here? Weird." I guess Autumn is more attuned to the subtle and juvenile machinations of Chill Town, however, because she sobs uncontrollably on Nicole’s lap.
The Big Blue Chair of Hardy Is The Only Person On This Show That I Even Like Anymore. "I think Autumn is being singled out by Mike, Will, and Shannon because they see her as the weak gazelle," Hardy explains. "Any predator will always go for the weakest animal in the herd." Back in the Hot Box, Hardy sets his jaw, takes the bag of chips, and returns it to the kitchen. He comes back to the bedroom and tells Nicole and Autumn that "the gloves are off, the gloves are off." Not his gloves, Chill Town’s gloves. The ones concealing their cloven hoofs. Back in the Big Blue Chair of Hardy Is Not Only Handsome, But Also Sensitive, Hardy is totally tearing up! "I just wanted to give [Autumn] a hug and tell her, not everyone is like that, you know? Not everyone has that in them, to be so hurtful." Sigh. I start scribbling on my Pee Chee folder: Jessica Hill. Mrs. Hardy Hill. Jessica Morgan Hill. In the bedroom, my future husband hugs Autumn, who’s weeping that she doesn’t want to stay in the house anymore because she just can’t cut it. Krista, who’s been leaning against a dresser, tells Autumn not to let Chill Town get to her, that they’re not worth this.
Big Blue Chair of If I See Shannon In The Street, I Will Kick Her In The Shins. "There are way too many people in this house who are always the victim. They are weak. What can you do?" she asks, and smiles like Heather Chandler. I’m seriously beginning to think that Shannon is even worse than Will.
In the Hot Box, Hardy’s trying to convince Autumn to stay in the house. "If you go home, then they’ve beaten you," he says. "Don’t let them beat you." Autumn says some stuff about being weak and wanting to go home and blah dee blah. Krista interrupts her to give her a whole lot of tough love, firmly finishing by telling Autumn that she’s "a very strong person, and [she has] got to catch a grip." Krista pulls Autumn off the bed and hugs her fiercely.
Meeting. From. Hell. Mike claims that he wants to "get rid of the hostility" in the house, so they can all co-exist in peace. He just wants everyone to tell the truth, he insists. Shannon then pipes up with some bitchy stuff that I’m not going to bother to transcribe, because it’s no different from the rest of bitchy stuff she spouts on a daily basis. Autumn explains that she’s "never been the fat girl that somebody had to sleep with to get something, to use." And if she had been, that would make it okay? Whatever, Autumn. At this point, Hardy steps into the conversation. "What did you say last night about, like, fat and potato chips, to her?" he asks Shannon. Shannon sputters that Autumn called her "numerous cuss words." Hardy’s expression doesn’t change. "I just asked you what you said," he retorts calmly. "I said, ‘Have another bag of potato chips,’" Shannon admits. "Interestingly," Hardy begins, "A bag of potato chips found its way to her bed yesterday. Do you know anything about that?" Shannon sneers. "Yes, I do," she says. "Why would you do that? Why would you do something like that?" Hardy asks. "To belittle her? To make her feel bad about herself?" Shannon brings up the cussing incident again. Autumn pipes up that she did cuss at Shannon, and that she’d do it again. She’ll say [bleep] right to Shannon’s face, because she’s not a passive-aggressive [bleepity bleep bleep]. Everyone sort of looks at each other. "Why would you do that?" Kent asks Shannon. "Do what?" she asks. "Put potato chips on her bed. I just want to hear your motivation." Kent looks at Shannon levelly. "There wasn’t one," Shannon claims. "It was a joke." Shannon is just like that girl in junior high that everyone hated and feared, even her best friends, all of whom were also generally hated and feared, albeit with a lesser level of animosity. My pop-psychology analysis of Shannon is that, deep down, she’s profoundly unhappy. Or she will be, when she gets out of the house and strangers start chucking rotten vegetables at her head and spitting at her.
Over in the Big Blue Chair of Surprisingly Astute Psychological Analysis, Krista tells us that "Autumn is jealous of Shannon, and Shannon just feeds on that."
"So, we can let the high school shit go, and we can just discuss it, and let bygones by bygones," Krista asks, over at the Patio Meeting From Hell.
Big Blue Chair of Shannon Ought To Publish A Book Of Poetry. "This is so friggin’ retarded," Shannon says, demonstrating her artful grasp of the English language.
Back on the patio, Shannon refers to the rest of her housemates as "a bunch of fourth graders." Everyone needs to step back, she says, and then she starts crying (or, rather, pretending to cry, because I don’t see any tears), because, she says, she can’t handle criticism from other people, "be it constructive, or otherwise." Wow, you are really going to hate MBTV, Shannon. Everyone just watches her cry. Or, that is, "cry." Shannon eventually wipes away nothing from her completely dry eyes and admits that she was "retaliating" because she doesn’t like it when…and her voice totally trails off because she can’t think of a decent excuse. Everyone just looks at their feet.
Big Blue Chair of How Did All These People Pass The Psych Evaluation?. Autumn has pulled herself together at last, and she tells the camera that she’s got to keep her game face on, and she can’t let any weakness show. Not to anyone.
On the patio, people halfheartedly hug. Somehow, everyone manages to restrain themselves, and Shannon escapes the meeting without being stabbed in the eyeball with one of the eating utensils on the patio table.
Julie Chen is wearing the same shirt she had on last week. Julie, baby, I know I said I thought the shirt was cute, and I still do, but, dude, change your clothes. Anyhoo, it’s time for the HoH competition, which is a long-winded and basically boring game in which whomever knows the most about the other housemates wins. Don’t they do this on Survivor? Anyway, Mike says that, when he realized that the questions were going to be "interpersonal," he knew Will and Shannon were doomed. Because Will and Shannon don’t give two bits about the personal details of anyone else in the house. But, he says, he thought Krista might be able to pull this out. And Mike thinks Krista is one-hundred-percent part of Chill Town. On the other hand, the People Without A Nickname think Krista is on their side. Naturally, because Krista’s the swing vote, the one playing the middle, the one everyone thinks might just be on their side, she wins HoH.
Krista and Nicole go into the HoH room, and Nicole is all trying to talk strategy, and Krista pretends to listen, but she’s really distracted by all the goodies she’s getting as HoH. She opens the mini-fridge and squeals, "Dr Peppah!" Nicole’s all, please pay attention to me, but Krista’s just feeling the Dr. Pepper. "They’re not cold, but that’s all right, I can anticipate the wait." Hee. I’m not sure where Krista stands as far as her alliances go, but her accent sure is cute. Nicole is all, you have to nominate Will and Shannon, and Krista is all, look! Chocolate! And Nicole is all, are you listening to me? And Krista is all, I love these cookies! I can’t decide if Krista is a moron or a genius. Nicole even offers to walk out of the house in the third week if Krista will get rid of Mike or Shannon, because she doesn’t need the money, and she knows Krista really does, and Krista agrees that she does need the money, and then squeals when she sees her robe. I think Krista might have ADD. Or she’s brilliantly playing a part. It’s hard to say.
So Krista goes around the house and asks everyone, and I mean everyone, whom she ought to put on the block. And everyone except Chill Town tells her to nominate Will and Shannon. And still, Krista prevaricates. She can’t make a choice. She doesn’t want to make a choice. She can’t handle making a choice. "I just don’t want to look like the bad guy," she says. Again, I almost wonder if this is all just an act: if Krista didn’t want to be HoH, why didn’t she purposely throw the HoH competition? Whatever her motivation is, she moans and groans about trying to be neutral, like, forever. Seriously. We get it. You don’t want to choose. Shut up.
In the Big Blue Chair of What Are You Smoking, Krista?, the newest HoH chirps that she really likes Will. Then she explains that she’s "in the house to win," but that she’s going to go out there and "pretend [she’s] just the little country girl everyone thinks [she is]." She grins.
is the weekly food challenge, which involves each houseguest being weighed on a giant scale, right there on national television. This contest is clearly designed to stir up shit between Autumn and Shannon, especially in light of the Great Potato Chip Incident of 2001. I think using someone’s psychological weakness -- in this case, Autumn’s issues with her self-image -- in order to create tension in the house is pretty reprehensible. Frankly, I can think of few things more humiliating, especially for someone who has psychological issues with her weight, than having to be weighed in public, and in front of people who’ve called them, among other things, a "fat-ass" and a "hog." And, dude, isn’t the house tense enough already? Therefore, I’m not even going to justify this challenge with recappage, except to say that the men win, and the women are doomed to peanut butter and jelly for another week, and they whine, and the men gloat.
More futzing from Krista about whom she ought to nominate. God, let’s just get to it. Chill Town begins to think that they’re doomed, and they start kissing everyone else’s asses, extraordinarily ineffectually.
Big Blue Chair of The Ladies Love Cool Hardy. "[Chill Town] decided to change gears and sort of, well, yeah, start sucking up to the people that they shunned before, because they need votes," he says, and wrinkles his nose in disgust.
Mike sits on the patio and awkwardly compliments Nicole on having won people over in the house, thereby escaping eviction. Nicole doesn’t even look at him.
Big Blue Chair of the Revenge Bitch. "There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing Chill Town could do to make things all right with me," Nicole says.
Shannon marches outside and announces to the Non-Chill Towners assembled on the patio that she wants all them to know that she doesn’t think she’s better than anyone. She just says it like that, flat out. There’s no response. Seriously -- she’s met with dead silence. Shannon cues up the fake bawling again. Honey, save it for the time you get pulled over for speeding, although, honestly, I think flashing your cleavage might be more effective. "I just thought I’d tell you guys that," she sobs dryly. "That I’m not better than anybody else. And if anybody wants to do anything, always ask me for help with anything." Because, although she’s not better than anyone, she still knows how to do everything better than they do. "Do you think you’d be having this conversation if Sheryl were still here?" Bunky asks. For some reason, he’s wearing a cape made from a blue bedspread and juggling. Shannon tells him that she would be. He rolls his eyes and starts juggling again. Complete silence falls over the group.
Big Blue Chair of Maybe Bunky Is In Training To Join The Circus. "Shannon is so phony," Bunky spits.
Krista and Monica loll around in the HoH room and talk some more about the vote. Krista still doesn’t know what to do, she says. Monica tells her that if she nominates Hardy and Autumn, "her ass will be out ." Krista looks like she’s thinking about this, but she might be thinking about Dr Pepper.
Nicole’s sitting in the Big Blue Chair of I Really Can’t Think Of Anything Clever For This One. She comments that she thinks Krista is "play[ing] the fence," and hypothesizes that "it’s the smartest way to play [the game]."
In the Hot Box, Nicole sadly informs the rest of the Non-Chill Town crowd that she honestly doesn’t think that Krista is planning to put a Chill Towner up for nomination. Bunky shakes his head, and says that Krista is basically screwing herself by saving Will, Shannon, and Mike from eviction. If he was HoH, he says, he’d "probably do Will and Shannon, just to break them up. Break up the love-fest." Bunky rolls his eyes. Heh. Nicole sighs and tells Bunky, Hardy, and Autumn that they need to prepare themselves for Chill Town to escape nomination this week. Glum looks all around.
Chill Town Central. Mike and Shannon talk about the vote some more. Blah blah blah, blee blee blee, Mike sighs that Chill Town’s days are numbered. Please, God, make it so.
Although Krista made a lot of noise about possibly choosing her nominees at random, we see her sitting in the HoH room, deliberately placing each key in the Box of Fate. She seems to be thinking very, very hard. She tells the camera that she’s just going to nominate the people she thinks ought to be evicted, and she’s very comfortable about that decision.
At last, at long, long last, Krista brings out the Box of Fate to announce the nominations. For some inexplicable reason, she’s wrapped in a towel, with a towel turban on her head. She’s also wearing the HoH robe, the HoH slippers, and her sunglasses. I don’t even know what to say about that. Anyway, the nominations finally get underway, and it’s fairly uneventful, except for the part where Bunky starts crying when he escapes nomination, which is either touching or annoying, and it’s hard to say which. Finally, they get to the last key, and it’s down to Kent, Autumn, and Will. Will looks pretty glum. I’m sure he thinks he’s toast. But Krista, flying in the face of all sense and reason, has nominated Kent and Autumn. Hardy is forced to give Will his key. "Will, you’re safe," he says, with studied blandness in his voice.
Krista then has to explain to why she’s put each of the nominees up for eviction. She tells Autumn that Autumn is "losing part of herself" in the game. Kent, she says, just fell prey to "luck of the draw." Both Kent and Autumn are quite gracious about being nominated, Autumn even agreeing with Krista that she is "losing part of herself." Autumn’s tank top is really cute.
The episode closes as Kent tells the camera that he’s not surprised to be nominated. Krista, he says, is "playing two ends against the middle," and nominating the least liked non-Chill Towners is the best way to do that. But he’s convinced that he’s still in the game. At this point, I hope he is. Surprisingly, Kent has a habit of bringing the funny.
So, Tuesday kicks off with extensive recappery of Saturday’s episode. Twenty minutes later, Mike sits in the Big Blue Chair of You’re Not Eminem, You Know That, Right? and expresses his glee about the fact that Krista didn’t nominate any of the Chill Towners -- through rap. Let’s all just pretend that none of that ever happened.
Will tells the camera that, although he escaped nomination this time, he’s living on borrowed time.
Krista explains that she didn’t need to nominate Will; he’s not a threat to win the money, because no one in the jury will vote for him in the end.
Kent tells Bunky that he knew Krista was going to nominate two of them, because "she’s a freelancer, and she has debts to Chill Town. She’s gonna ride them three to the end, and decimate us. She just reduced our ranks by one." Bunky nods.
Krista repeats the Kent thing was "luck of the draw," and reiterates that she doesn’t think Autumn is emotionally stable.
More yammering about how emotionally needy and unstable Autumn is. Seriously, minutes upon minutes. Bunky tells Hardy he thinks Autumn’s going to get the boot in a clean sweep, and he’s thinking about voting for Kent so Autumn doesn’t think everyone unanimously wanted her out. I think a pity vote is an extremely bad idea, since you can never be completely assured of how others are going to vote, but no one asked me. Hardy shrugs and tells Bunky to do what he thinks is best.
, there’s fifteen minutes of footage informing us that Hardy is both hot and nice, and that everyone likes him. I knew that from reading our forums.
Will and his giant bed-head 'fro tells the camera that Hardy "isn’t coming to Chill Town." Wow, where’d you get that idea, Will? From all those times Hardy said he wanted to take y’all down? "He certainly doesn’t like what I represent," Will says, "which is honesty, even if it’s cruel."
Hardy sits in the Big Blue Chair of Shirtlessness and repeats that his goal is to bring down Chill Town, whether he wins or not. In fact, he wants to get rid of Chill Town so badly that he’ll walk out of the house happily, as long as he walks out after Will, Mike, and Shannon. Then he goes into the kitchen and makes some sandwiches, and blows kisses to the camera.
More footage about how evil Chill Town is, complete with crazy Haunted Mansion music and black-and-white footage. We all know this! We know it! Let’s get to the machinations! Let’s get to the plotting! Let’s get some action!
Nope, more Stupid Shannon Tries To Kiss Ass footage. "No, that’s what I just said," Shannon tells the living room, "that I don’t think I’m better than anybody else. No matter if everybody thinks that I think that I think that." She makes a face like she’s pretty sure that made sense, but not completely.
Later, Shannon goes to Kent -- who’s wearing a Breathe-Rite strip! -- and asks him if he hates her. He says something diplomatic about "not relating to her." Shannon, that means he hates you. Like the rest of America.
In the bathroom, Shannon tells Krista that "Kent’s an old stupid guy. He ain’t going to win Head of Household." Krista doesn’t say anything. I can only pray that Kent squeaks through the upcoming vote to win an HoH and toss Miss High And Mighty out on her ass. Kent tells the camera that Shannon is a "backstabber." Hardy calls Shannon’s fake-ola weeping during last week’s house meeting "crocodile tears." He looks disgusted. "It was just crap," he says.
Big Blue Chair of Monica Being Awesome. "Let me tell you something about Shannon," she starts. "Shannon is no joke. She’s very straightforward, and that’s great, I’m the same way. But Shannon’s slick-ass. She’ll bring the tears when they are necessary, that’s good and all, but I don’t think they are real." That’s right, Monica! Monica rules. Monica is my girlfriend.
Big Blue Chair of Get Some SPF 40, Shannon. She talks about how she can’t hold everybody’s hands and she’s so disgusted by the smokers in the house, and how they’re ruining their bodies and smoking their life away, and it makes her sick. Okay, I am not a smoker. In fact, cigarette smoke makes me physically sick -- it really aggravates my asthma. But I like to kibitz, so when my friends who do smoke want a cigarette, I go outside and sit downwind so I can talk to them. It’s called "being friendly," Shannon. And "not acting holier-than-thou, just because you’ve been in two or three low-rent bikini calendars." Also, what the hell do you care if these people are ruining their health? You don’t even like them! It’s just yet another way to make yourself feel superior. I hate you.
In the Big Blue Chair of The Worst Boyfriend Ever, Will calls Shannon "crafty" and "manipulative." He looks thoughtful for a moment. "She may well be stabbing me in the back," he says.
The editor establishes that the girls are sick of eating peanut butter and jelly. While the boys sit in the kitchen and eat the regular food that they won in the Weigh-In Challenge, the girls gather around the hot tub and talk about all the stuff they would eat if they could. All of Shannon’s choices are weird. What the hell is "tomato gravy"? Is that, like, marinara? Maybe it’s a regional thing.
The food challenge is, again, boys against girls, and features riding a mechanical bull. The prize? A night of "barbecue, Texas style." Hardy, shirtless, bull riding? I think the writers have been reading our forums. Yadda yadda yadda, the girls win easily. The best part of this long and mostly pointless (other than the shirtless Hardy, of course. I’m not made of stone) exercise is watching Will crow about how he’s going to kick ass on the bull, and how the men are going to win, thanks to him, and how the women are going to be eating more PB and J (this last bit is accompanied by Will actually throwing around a jar of peanut butter), and then getting tossed right off the bull. Heh. Thank you, mechanical bull. The girls cackle with glee.
Then they eat. I’m sort of bored.
Nicole and Will loll on the hammock and talk about their relationship. Will thinks he has to kiss Nicole’s butt to stay in the house. I don’t know if she’s buying his bullshit. I don’t want to think she is, but she might be. It’s hard to say. Blah blah ass-kissing, except Will is the worst ass-kisser in the world, and calls Nicole a bitch in the midst of the ass-kissing. Good work, puppetmaster. "I try to be [human]," Will admits. "I have no feelings of human sympathy. I feel like I’m a robot on many levels. I’m a human on the outside, but I’m a robot on the inside." His evil is real, in other words, but he is not. Then he and Nicole get into an argument about vegetarianism. Nicole gets way more strident about it than she needs to be. "I can’t speak on that right now, because of my wanting to kill you," she tells him. Kill, Nicole, Kill! Also, nice shaved pits, Will. "I think you’re a bitch," he tells her, "and I don’t get along with you, but you’re not the lowest of the low." Nicole’s all, gee, thanks, Will. Will then tries to pull her into Chill Town, and I can’t imagine why she doesn’t go along, what with all of his artful sweet-talking. Nicole doesn’t really say anything about Chill Town one way or the other. Will asks her to keep an open mind. She agrees. Don’t go over to the dark side, Nicole!
Autumn sits on the patio and whines that Kent ought to concede and agree to leave the house Thursday, because he already won a car. Yeah, because you gave up on that particular challenge after a puny hour and a half. Get over it, Autumn. Nicole murmurs sympathetically, and trots over to Kent and sort of awkwardly broaches the subject to him. Kent firmly insists that he will not concede. Go, Kent! The only way he will leave, he says, is if he’s nominated. Nicole nods and says she understands, then tells him that she’s not going to vote for Autumn so the poor girl isn’t kicked out on her ass unanimously. Nicole, please discuss this with Bunky, because if Autumn ends up staying in the house because all y’all feel bad for her, everyone is going to be unhappy. Probably even Autumn.
, we learn the results of the "Poll America," er, poll from last week, wherein America voted for either Krista or Mike to get "special birthday greetings" from their families, and a "special birthday dinner." Because America hates Chill Town and loves a girl with a cute accent, Krista wins. She gets a very heartfelt greeting from her brother and sisters, and chooses Mike to share her meal, since it’s his birthday, too. They eat. This episode is so dull. Mike and Krista say all kinds of nice things to each other over their crawfish and sushi, but don’t get into anything really juicy about anyone else. Someone on the forums mentioned that Mike looks like the Host (a.k.a. Cary Okie) from Angel, and he totally does in this scene. Too bad he’s not funny, charming, green, or empathic.
Finally, my girl Monica gets some screen time. Mike sits in the Big Blue Chair Of Misused Slang and crows that "Monica is a straight-up sista that’s not to be messed with." Yet again, I have no idea what he’s trying to say. Monica tells the camera that she’s acting in the house exactly the way she acts outside the house. Out on the patio, she tells someone a story about teaching adults to read. Go, Monica, with the teaching adults to read! Krista twangs that Monica is fun, and "one of the coolest people [she]’ll ever meet." I’d like to add that Monica also has some awesome wigs, which always improves people’s standings in my book. "Some people need some encouragement, and I have words of wisdom, because that’s what I do outside of here, so I’ll say that," Monica tells the camera. Apparently, she spends a lot of time sharing her words of wisdom with Bunky. Bunky explains that Monica doesn’t like how he beats himself up all the time. Insert several shots of Monica telling Bunky not to apologize for being himself. Editors, consider it established that everyone likes Monica.
To the tune of some Zany Tuba Music, Nicole scrubs and scours the entire house, getting more and more pissed as she does so. She then stalks into the kitchen and yells at everyone not to be such pigs. It’s driving her insane, she says. "Insane is so close for you and me, we can just walk. We don’t even have to drive," Bunky says. Yeah, and Will and Shannon will be waiting for you at the border with bayonets. Nicole screams some more about her houseguest’s slovenliness, and then tells everyone she has a "horrible sexual build-up." Bunky raises his eyebrows. "All righty, then," he chirps sarcastically.
More Chill Town machinations, as they try to get Nicole to join their evil alliance. In the Big Blue Chair of Undercover Action, Nicole tells the camera that she’s "infiltrating" Chill Town, so as to bring them down, down, down.
In the Amusing Moment of the Night, Kent walks all over the house, talking to himself. It’s really quite funny. Last week, if you’d told me I’d be saying nice things about Kent, I would have smacked you. In the living room, Mike tells Autumn that he loves seeing Kent walking around like a broken man. Autumn twitters and agrees. Doesn’t she hate Mike? I thought she hated him after he tried to sex her up for her vote. Anyway, Kent’s hanging out in the HoH room, eating ice cream and talking to the camera, which is totally cracking my shit up. There’s no one in this house he can relate to, he says, which makes me sad. Poor Kent. He says he’s overdosed on all the crap in the house, and he just can’t take all the machinations anymore. He points out, as an example, that Mike and Autumn’s coziness is driving him nuts. Autumn, he says, is "as two-faced as anyone he’s ever seen." He’s not wired for two-facedness, he claims. "[Kent] messed with Chill Town, and he may have to be sent back to Knoxville, Tennessee this week," Mike says, over in the Big Blue Chair of Mike Sucks Ass.
In that "Last Words" meeting of the week, Autumn and Kent get to talk up their fellow houseguests. Autumn calls this experience "an incredible journey," and then I vomit all over myself. She then says some stuff about being a good person and a good mother and so on and so forth. Kent says everyone ought to vote their conscience and their strategy, and that’s that. No long speech, thank God. Kent tells the camera that he’s getting the boot for sure, because Autumn isn’t a threat to take the cash. She may not be a threat, Kent, but she’s sure irritating.
Thursday finally rolls around, and with it an extensive recap of this past week’s highlights. Julie Chen is wearing really cute shoes as she reminds us that Kent and Autumn have been nominated for eviction, and that, later, a new Head of Household will replace Krista.
Mike gets to share his opinions about Kent and Autumn with the audience for what feels like an hour. He says Kent is too grumpy for him. He says he hates Kent’s accent. He says Kent might be sent back to Tennessee. As for Autumn, he says he’ll give her credit for one thing, and one thing only: "She knows when to keep her mouth shut." And everyone knows that women are most valuable when they keep silent and let the menfolk tell them what to do and how to act.
Speaking of Autumn, she’s sitting, pensive and alone, at the patio table with a cup of coffee. She voice-overs that she’s preparing herself to leave, but also simultaneously gearing up to stay in the house. "The hang time is really stressful," she admits.
In the Hot Box, Hardy sprawls on his bed and reminds Autumn that "it’s only going to get harder" to live in the house. He says that, because he doesn’t think she can handle the pressure, he’s going to vote to evict her. She tells him that she doesn’t want to be voted out by her own friends. Hardy sort of shrugs and asks what would be an acceptable reason to vote her out of house. "If you didn’t like me," she replies. Hardy shrugs again.
Nicole spends a hundred years agonizing over her vote, pacing, wringing her hands, pulling on her hair, and crying. She tells Kent that she thinks Chill Town is trying to get her to join them. Kent has no reaction to this.
Nicole scampers over to the Dark Side, albeit briefly, to tell Mike, Will, and Shannon that she knows at least three people are voting for Autumn to be evicted, but that she’s still considering things. She doesn’t tell them that being the swing vote is driving her insane.
Out on the patio, Monica tells Kent that she thinks Nicole would lie to him about the status of the vote.
Hardy explains that he suspects Nicole is playing "both sides of the fence." He calls her on it, in the kitchen. Nicole sort of purses her lips and tells him that he needs to trust her, because she’s still playing the game exactly the way they discussed it. Then she stalks out of the kitchen. "Makes you go 'hmmm,'" Hardy says to the camera
Shield your eyes -- this is the portion of the show detailing the newest developments in the Grand Romance brewing between Shannon and Will. We get an entire recap of their relationship to this point, including the Day Three comments from Shannon in which she swears she’s not going to hook up with anyone, because she loves Poor Jim Back At Home. Of course, by Day Six, she’s all perched in the Big Blue Chair of Adultery and going all, you never know. Day Seven, Will is lying on top of her in the storage room. But on Day Nine, Shannon insists she’s not going to get naked with anyone. I guess dry humping is okay, as long as there’s no nudity involved. By Day Thirteen, though, Shannon’s whispering to Will that she "can’t wait for [him] to make love to [her]," and I go blind. Thank God, my sight returns in time to see Will in the Big Blue Chair of My God, Will! What Is The Deal With Your Hair?, admitting that there’s a possibility that Shannon is "playing" him. He says that he’s keeping her close for both "physical and strategic reasons." This is accompanied by a shot of Will pulling down Shannon’s pants and going for her crotch with his face. Sweet Jesus, people, it’s the family hour. By Day Fifteen, we’ve got Will grabbing Shannon’s ass. And Day Sixteen, there’s rhythmic heavy breathing under the covers. Excuse me while I go take a long, hot shower, even though I know there’s no way I’ll ever feel clean again.
Après love fest, the editors cut to Julie Chen. "Later, we’ll hear what Shannon’s boyfriend has to say," she snarks. Heh. Julie is totally growing on me. I think she hates Chill Town as much as I do.
The first two votes are from Hardy and Monica, both wearing all white, because, you know, they’re good rather than evil. They each vote to evict Autumn.
Woo hoo! It’s time to hear from Poor Jim Back At Home. He’s a young, beefy blond dude, who doesn’t appear to be the shiniest penny in the collection plate, but that could be because he’s struck dumb by his girlfriend’s egregious transgressions. He tells us that he and Shannon have been dating for sixteen months, and explains that Shannon is the kind of person who "uses what God gave her and [puts] it to work for her." In other words, she shakes her booty to get what she wants. This revelation is followed by a shot of Will and Shannon macking, Evil Alliance Style, and Will’s infamous I Have A Message For Jim/He’s Outta Here speech. Jim purses his lips and looks into the camera. "Will, I’d like you to be a man and say it to my face," he says. "And at a hundred and sixty-five pounds, [you] should bring Hardy with [you]." Then, in my favorite moment of the night, Jim intimates that Will’s "personal well-being may be at stake!" He’s going to kick Will’s ass! While, generally, I think that the wronged partner ought to take up their wrongedness with the person who cheated on them, not the person they cheat with, in this case: woo! Kick Will’s ass! Jim tells us that he feels he "deserves an explanation." The explanation, I suspect, is that your girlfriend is a bit of a ho-bag. Back in the house, Nicole asks Shannon if she’s in love with Jim. Shannon gapes. Jim closes his Segment of Pain by revealing that it’s not easy to watch the person you love get busy with someone else, but he’s going to continue to love and support Shannon. In the house, Will and Shannon make out some more. Poor Jim.
Finally, we’ve gotten to the portion of the show wherein Julie talks to the houseguests, all live and uncensored. She greets them all generally, and then turns to Mike. "Hi, Mike," Julie says. "I think you’re flirting with me," Mike says. "I think you’re hoping," Julie replies. Dude, burn! Julie and the houseguests blather on about peanut butter and jelly for, like, a hundred years. Shannon complains that she’s too weak "to lift" because they haven’t gotten any decent food, and Julie shoots her the fakest smile in the world. "That’s rough," she says dismissively. Okay, Julie’s totally my new girlfriend. Blah blah blee blee. Nicole misuses the word "literally" when she tells Julie that she wants to be HoH so badly she can taste it, literally. And finally, finally, we get to Kent and Autumn’s potentially final words to the house.
Kent’s speech rocks. He says that this house is like a "microcosm" of society, and he’s found "love and compassion and helpfulness and honesty in a lot of folks, and anger and hurtfulness and vanity and greed" in other people. If he has to be like the vain greedy people to win this game, he says, he’d rather go home. "To those of you in this house who carry yourself with grace and dignity, I salute you. You’ve done a great job. To those of you who’ve made life in this house very difficult, do not make the mistake of not voting me out tonight. Because if you do, hear me well: your ass is mine." He’ll leave you in the road, dying of thirst, and let the vultures get ya, with no ill regrets!
Autumn twitters that she feels hard-pressed to follow that speech. So, she says a whole bunch of boring stuff about how her being warm and caring has become a liability, and then she says something about a roommate who turned on her, and no one cares. Julie’s, like, filing her nails and thinking about her cute strappy shoes. Autumn finishes by explaining that she in a "win-win situation," because, like Kent, if she stays, it’s going to be rough living with her. If she leaves, though, she gets to go back to a normal, happy life.
More voting footage. Bunky votes to evict Autumn, through much sniffling.
is the boring boring filler about Kent’s and Autumn’s families. I loathe this section, because let’s be honest -- I don’t care about their families. I care about the plotting and the machinations! Back to the machinations! Autumn tells us that she named her child Justus by combining the words "Just us." Great. Fantastic. Not at all dooming your child to sixty-plus years of having to spell out his name to every state and county official, teacher, and potential employer.
It turns out Kent has two snarky, rambunctious daughters. They’re cute. The eldest informs the camera that the time her dad is out of the house will be the happiest time of her life. Kent, in the background, laughs. They grin at each other. We learn that Kent and Autumn are in the game for their families. Both of them miss their kids. We get it.
Krista’s HoH interview. She tells Julie, and the rest of us, that she has no regrets about her actions during the week she was HoH. She repeats, however, that she didn’t really want to nominate Kent. Julie asks why she didn’t nominate Will. Krista makes some noise about it not being "part of [her] strategy" to nominate Will that early, because he’s not a threat to win the money. Also, she’s scared of Chill Town. Okay, she leaves that last part off. More yammering about Autumn not being stable enough to play the game, and how her endless need for sympathy is exhausting. Julie asks Krista who she’d like to see as the HoH, and Krista names Monica. She explains that she, Monica, and Hardy call themselves the UT -- the Untouchables. "No one knows that, so keep it on the down low," she says. She prays that one of them wins HoH. And the plot thickens.
At long last, Julie opens the Eviction Envelope. Autumn is evicted unanimously. She nods and sort of smiles and gets up and tells everyone not to hug her or walk her to the door, and she leaves. As she’s going, Will congratulates Kent, and Shannon unleashes her horrible, horsy laugh upon the world.
Inside the house, people hug and mill about. Shannon comforts Nicole thusly: "You look great, you look awesome, you’re a good person, you look great." Wonder what Shannon’s priorities are? She then flits over to comfort Krista and tells her she looks fabulous. "You know, if I did chicks and stuff, I’d do you," she says. Krista is all, ohhhhh-kaaaaay.
The Most Boring Interview Ever. Julie sits down with Autumn. I take a nap. Blah blah never tried to curry favor, blah bla, good person, blah blah blah, blah, knew I was going to be evicted blee blee she’d be better off with her son. Blah blah she knew "unequivicably [sic]" blah blah no "positivity [sic]" in the house, blah blah drew away from the rest of the houseguests blah blah blah. Finally, Julie shows Autumn some of the votes: Bunky’s teary farewell, Nicole’s agonized vote, Monica saying she’s voting with her head, not her heart, Mike explaining that they "owe" Krista. Autumn sniffles. More yammering. Blee blah some people really cared about her, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Autumn says she opted not to kiss people’s butts to stay in the house, which is a total lie, since we at the very least saw her kissing up to Mike, whom just last week she loathed for trying to seduce her to get her vote on the Nicole/Sheryl conundrum. Blather about Kent trying to get votes, and I don’t really see why that’s bad: it’s a game. With a whole lot of cash on the line. Basically, I think Autumn just gave up at some point, and she’s trying to make her apathy look as though it stems from her being a morally superior person. She’s still talking. God, Autumn shut up, this interview is so long. At last, Justus and Autumn’s boyfriend come and fetch her. Everyone hugs and sobs. Smell ya later, Autumn!
And finally, it’s time to crown the new Head of Household. It’s another roommate trivia competition. The houseguests are knocked out of the running one by one until it’s down to Shannon and Hardy, good versus evil. I admit, I’m a little tense here. There’s some fingernail biting happening. Both of them miss a question about people’s height, mostly because I think they both failed at converting inches to feet. Both get a question about housekeys wrong! Finally, they’re given a question in which they need to figure out the total combined ages of all the houseguests left. Showcase Showdown-style, whoever comes closest to the correct number without going over wins. Scribble, scribble. Shannon stares at her housemates and moves her mouth. Hardy looks like he’s doing sums on his scratch paper. They hold up their answers and…Hardy wins! Hardy wins! Hardy wins! America breathes a giant sigh of relief!