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All righty then. Saturday, Saturday, Saturday! As usual, this episode kicks off with an extensive recap of Thursday's machinations, including Autumn's ousting and Hardy's Glorious Victory in the Head of Household challenge.
Hardy and Bunky confab in the bathroom shortly after Hardy's Glorious Victory. Hardy tells Bunky that he's not sure he can trust Nicole, after all. He suspects she's the one who prompted Autumn to talk shit about him during her final statement in the house. Bunky bobs his head back and forth.
Turns out a lot of people are questioning Nicole's motives. Bunky tells Hardy he's not sure any of them can trust her. Kent doesn't think she's trustworthy, either. Kent and Hardy play a little one-on-one and discuss the fact that Nicole must have said something to Autumn about Hardy's not voting for her, although, hello, no one voted for her. It seems that Hardy's mostly upset that Nicole intimated he was trying to organize the rest of the houseguests to vote against Autumn. Hardy bounces the basketball and insists that he did no such thing.
For her part, Nicole is all broken up about Autumn getting the boot unanimously, but she isn't willing to discuss it. Instead, she and Krista and Monica sit in at the patio table in silence.
In the Big Blue Chair of She's Infiltrating Chill Town...Or Is She?, Nicole explains that, now that Hardy is HoH, he can "shift the game however he likes," and when the nominations come out, everyone will be able to tell whether he's "stuck to the game plan" or not.
"Hardy is Head of Household, and I think Chill Town starts to dwindle from here," Shannon tells the camera. Then she looks off and sniffs that she feels as though she "let Chill Town down" when she lost the HoH challenge to Hardy.
Hardy muses that he doesn't understand why Mike was surprised to see him defeat Shannon with the power of math in the HoH competition. He wonders aloud whether Mike doesn't think he's "educated." Poor beautiful Hardy. People see his beefcake appearance, and automatically assume he's dumb. I admit, I figured he was a bit of a himbo, myself. Mea culpa, though, because I think it's now pretty clear that Hardy's no dumb bunny. First of all, although he does swear quite a bit, he's very well spoken; he never says "um" or "you know" or seems at a loss for words. Second and more importantly, I suspect he's playing this game like...well, some kind of musical instrument other than the clichéd violin. A banjo? If Mike, Shannon, and Will can't see that Hardy's brighter than the average pretty boy weightlifting bouncer, they're just not looking.
Turns out they're not looking. Surprised? Me neither. Over in Chill Town, Mike says something to Will about Hardy's not being very smart. They speculate about the upcoming nominations. Later, by the pool, Mike and Shannon discuss the fact that the other people in the house are intimidated by what Shannon dubs "intelligence, good looks -- vanity -- and power." Um, Shannon? "Good looks" and "vanity" are not synonymous. I hate to break it to you, but when people say you're vain, they're not talking about how hot you are.
More bellyaching from Chill Town about how badly they've screwed up their game. No kidding; who reveals their alliance in the first week? Seriously, people, everyone knows you're supposed to wait until the game starts shaking out a little bit before coming out swinging. Didn't any of Chill Town watch Survivor? Somewhere, Richard Hatch is sitting around naked, shaking his head in disgust, and counting all his cash. Will bitches about having to pay attention to the rest of the chuckleheads in the house. He wasn't aware that was a requirement of the game!
Hardy makes the requisite Uneasy Is the Head That Wears the Crown speech. Blah blah big duty, blah blah, one person's fate blah blah. He then admits that he doesn't think Mike is "a bad guy," but that he just chose the "wrong path" in the house. Hardy's under the impression that Will is Chill Town's ringleader. He wants to "make [Will] accountable" for his actions. Dum dum dum duuuuum!
Shannon and Will make out, all over the house. I cannot wait until the two of them are separated. Seriously, they're turning my stomach. At the patio table, Shannon and Nicole talk about Poor Jim Back At Home, Shannon telling Nicole that Jim is young, and unemployed, and that she had to foot the bill for everything, and that, despite all this, she told him that she thought he was her soulmate. His response? "Okay." Just "okay." As much as I hate to stand up for Shannon, that's a little rough. In the Big Blue Chair of Please, God, I Don't Want to Feel Bad for Shannon Anymore, Shannon sniffles that Jim doesn't want to marry her. Unlike the tears shed in front of her housemates, these seem sort of legit. And I feel just a teensy bit sorry for her. Don't worry -- I'm sure that, like indigestion, this too will pass.
Nicole and Will sit in the bathroom and talk about Shannon. Nicole wonders what will happen if Shannon gets evicted, and goes home to Jim, what with Will being in love with her and all. Will admits that the thought of that scares the shit out of him.
Asked the same question, Shannon is very Zen. I'm getting the impression that Will is far more enamoured with Shannon than she is with him, and I'm actually feeling rather bad for him, too. What in the name of God is wrong with me?
More schmoopiness. Night Vision Shannon whispers to Night Vision Will that "if things go well" between the two of them, she'll break up with Jim, because "obviously he's not the one." That loud screaming sound you just heard was Poor Jim Back At Home yelling in frustration and anger and then running to load his car with explosive devices and several maps of southern California.
The girls whine en masse about being forced to consume yet another week's worth of PB and J. Nicole hypothesizes that her monotonous meals are hurting her "mental well-being." Monica shares that PB and J is killing her. She can't even eat any more. In the kitchen, Bunky suggests to Hardy and Kent, in front of Nicole and Krista, that the men throw the food competition so that the women can get decent food for a week. Hardy is not at all pleased with this idea, and makes it quite clear that throwing any kind of competition "doesn't sit well with [him]." Bunky says that seeing the girls eat PB and J for another week doesn't sit will with him. Hardy, rather forcefully, reminds Bunky that they're playing a game. He points out that the boys aren't making the girls eat PB and J. "It's Big Brother," Kent points out. Hardy nods. Bunky passive-aggressives that maybe he's just more compassionate than other people in the house.
In the Big Blue Chair of Hyperbole, Bunky tells the camera that Hardy "exploded" when he suggested throwing the food challenge. That was an explosion? Hardy was pissed, but he didn't even raise his voice.
So Bunky and Hardy go into the HoH room to hash out their little tiff, and man, Hardy is one smooth operator. Bunky, naturally, is quick to apologize for whatever he could have possibly done to irritate Hardy. In the Big Blue Chair of If Anyone's Controlling This Game, It's Hardy, America's sweetheart says that he thinks Bunky is "trying to cover his ass" with everyone. Back in the HoH room, the men shake hands as Bunky agrees to try his best in the food challenge. Hardy's like the Godfather in this scene, as Bunky is all, please don't leave a horse's head in my bed, and Hardy's all showing compassion whilst simultaneously making it clear that he's got his eye on Bunky and may, in the future, come to him needing a favor. Or something. Hardy's in control, here, is what I'm trying to say.
This week's food competition is probably the most entertaining one so far: the houseguests are given what look like Nerf softballs, and are instructed to inscribe on them the foodstuffs with which they'd like the kitchen stocked, one item per ball. Big Brother collects all the balls, sends the kids outside, and then starts chucking the balls over the walls at them. If a houseguest catches a ball before it hits the ground, the house will receive the item written on the ball. Get it? Anyway, it's a pretty funny competition, with balls flying all over the place. Reminds me of my senior prom, that way. Heh. Just kidding. The only person with much talent for catching the balls (heh, again. I'm sorry: I'm seriously, like, twelve years old today) is Mike, who grabs a ton of them. The houseguests end up with all kinds of goodies, from breaded chicken patties to asparagus to chocolate cake. Hardy says something about enjoying watching his roommates work together for the good of the group as a whole. Working together for the good of the group is boring.
At this point, Shannon really cranks up the ploy for sympathy by wandering around the house, all alone, and all looking out the window all pensively, and then bursting into fake tears and then heading into the bedroom to change into a bikini, and then going into the Diary Room to sob prettily. "I just had an epiphany that I'm an absolute total bitch, everybody fucking hates me, I'm a complete moron, I'm a self-centered, egotistical, complete psycho," she tells the camera. All over North America, people are nodding. "And I guess it's hard to find that out on national television, especially when you don't know," Shannon finishes. What prompted this grand realization, I wonder? Did Shannon just open her eyes and realize that she's really loathed and reviled? Did someone fly a banner over the house reading "S = BITCH MORON PSYCHO"? Did someone say something to her? Has she been reading our boards? More weeping. Again, Shannon repeats that she has a hard time taking criticism, and she guesses this is what Big Brother is all about, and I'm almost starting to feel sorry for her, especially when she makes the point that it's totally easier to see the bad in someone than the good, and I realize that I am so doing that, like, right now. I need to recognize the good! In everyone! In Shannon! Okay. Let me try. Hang on. The good. Good, good, good. The good in Shannon. Hmmm. Well. She's got a nice rack. ["Hence the bikini. Shannon knows what time it is." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Shannon cries some more and I sort of snap out of my crazy sympathy thing, and then Shannon stomps out of the Diary Room and runs and sits on Will's lap in bathroom and says that she "had a bad epiphany about being a total bitch." He cheerily kisses her arm. "No, you're not. I love you," he chirps. Shannon mopes. "It's not like that, baby. Don't you worry about a thing," Will says. I'm almost touched by that. How can that be? ["'I love you'? They've known each other a month!" -- Wing Chun]
I'm over it. Over in the HoH, Hardy's putting the keys in the Box of Fate. No one should assume they're safe, he says, "because you cross [him], and you'll be at the top of [his] hit list, no matter who you are."
So, naturally, everyone is all nervous about the nominations and shit. Mike and Hardy talk about their prospective deal: Hardy repeats that it's a one-time-only thing. He's putting this week in Mike's hands. "If you tell me no, I'm going to put you up. If you say yes, I won't," he says. Later, Mike tells Chill Town about the deal on the table. They talk animatedly, but it all comes down to the fact that they have no idea what Hardy's doing or what any of this means. But they don't like it. Whatever it is.
Scary Night Vision: Kent and Bunky speculate that Hardy has the hots for Krista, and that it's affecting his strategy. "You think Hardy's thinking with his lower brain?" Bunky gasps. "He may be," Kent responds thoughtfully. "You're a straight man. Talk to him! Smack him out of it!" Bunky suggests.
He's really not. In fact, Hardy sits in the Big Blue Chair of the Man with the Plan and says that this is simply the beginning of his reign of terror. Nothing better than a good reign of terror, I always say.
Will's wearing a headband, to hold back his giant, curly halo. A headband. Oh, excuse me, he's wearing Mike's baby blue visor backwards. Because that's better. Sweet God. He says that whoever doesn't get voted out of the house is "going to come back and stab you in the heart twice as hard." Whatever, Foolio.
Tuesday: I saw this episode late, because I went to see *NSYNC at the Rose Bowl instead of staying home to watch it live. You're surprised? I just told you I was twelve.
Will and Shannon cuddle on the Big Blue Chair of the Match Made in Hell. Will admits that he loves Shannon. Shannon pats him and says, "That's sweet." Will's not going to rally people to evict Shannon in order to keep himself in the house. He gets all weepy as Shannon intimates that she's willing to leave the house, anyway, and starts to ask Shannon about his leaving voluntarily when she gets evicted. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We are not ducking out like voluntary, frigging -- no. He's the coward, not us," Shannon barks. This is intercut with a shot of Hardy brushing his teeth. This is important. Make a note. Shannon, in the Diary Room, tells Will that he needs to stay in the house and make Hardy's life hell. "You stay here and kick his ass, hypothetically speaking," Shannon says, using finger quotes around "hypothetically." In other words, she really wants him to kick his ass? I don't think she even means "hypothetically." I think she meant, like, "metaphorically." Or something. Because it doesn't make sense to use...man, why am I even trying to parse Shannon's dialogue? You know she spent most of her high school English classes sitting in the back, flashing her tits at other girls' boyfriends and twirling her bubble gum around her index finger. Shannon says that Will needs to be the one to stay in the house because he's "a guy" and, therefore, more intimidating to Hardy. Yeah, I'm sure Hardy the bouncer is scared of little Will. Shannon continues, saying that the only reason Hardy is intimidated by her is "because he can't have [her]." Also, because she's a sociopath. "Chill Town, we have it under control," Shannon tells Will, who's starting to seem a bit freaked out. "I love you," Will says pleadingly. Shannon flashes a wide, fake smile. "Awww, I know you do, and you know how I feel about you," she says. Notice that she still hasn't verbally reciprocated his feelings? Poor Will. I think he really has feelings for Shannon, and I suspect she's just using his ass. I still sort of feel for him. Sort of.
“ Man, Hardy's totally got them in line, doesn't he? They're all in 'jump'/ 'how high?' mode. ”
Big Blue Chair of Pure Evil. Shannon says that "Hardy is intimidated by [her], but [she's] going to make him cry before the end of the week is over. His actions basically say, 'I'm jealous, I'm a coward.'" I suspect that Shannon doesn't exactly know what the word "coward" means. I honestly don't get how what he's doing is cowardly. I mean, I don't even get Shannon's (obviously flawed) logic.
Out on the patio, a bunch of the houseguests are playing cards. Shannon's in the process of crossing the yard with her trusty jump rope when Hardy comments, off-handedly, that he feels bloated. "That's what yellow does to you!" Shannon chirps. Hardy makes a "huh?" face, and asks Shannon to explain herself "You know...coward? Yellow? That kind of thing," she says, again with the creepy forced cheer. "What's your damage with this 'coward' thing?" Hardy asks. "Why am I a coward?" Shannon calmly begins skipping rope. "Because of your jealousy of Will and I [sic]," she explains. Hardy can't understand what he could possibly be jealous of. Again, cowardliness and jealousy aren't really related, Shannon. Also, I think you might mean "envious." Also, it's "Will and me." Shannon explains that Hardy is reacting to his "lack of ability to find a relationship" by breaking up the Greatest Love the World Has Ever Known. Hardy wonders whether Shannon would think him a coward if he'd nominated just one of them. Shannon says no. Hardy points out that one of them would have been leaving in that situation, too. Shannon's all, exactly! That's why he's a coward! Hardy's face is so perplexed. He sarcastically tells Shannon that she makes "complete sense."
"The rationale is simply not there. It's not logical," Hardy says of Shannon's accusations. He knows Shannon is lashing out, he says, "but she's making herself look like an idiot." Sing it, Hardy.
Kent sits in the Big Blue Chair of Truth and Justice and says, "Chill Town is a wolf pack of vain, arrogant, immature narcissists." Right on!
Monica purses her lips. "I think Chill Town thought their shit didn't stink," she says.
Diary Room. Hardy explains the beauty of his immunity offer to Mike. Because he didn't nominate Mike, Hardy thinks Will and Shannon will suspect that Mike took the deal and put the two of them up on the chopping block. That's pretty clever of Hardy, although part of his plan is contingent on Will's and Shannon's putting two and two together, and that's seeming less and less likely with each episode. In the living room, Hardy warns Nicole, Kent, and Bunky that they had better not tell anyone in Chill Town that Mike refused the immunity offer. "If any word of this gets back to anybody, I swear to God, I'll cut the nuts off the person I hear it from," Hardy says. "I don't have nuts," Bunky says. "I have nuts, don't think I don't," Nicole snarks. Man, Hardy's totally got them in line, doesn't he? They're all in "jump"/"how high?" mode. I'm beginning to think that Hardy's like the hardbody love child of Richard Hatch and Colby WhateverColby'sLastNameWas. ["Donaldson." -- Wing Chun] Good-looking, yet fully dressed, and comes complete with all the master plan-y plots.
Hardy's getting cranky. I think the pressure of being HoH and running Project Destroy Chill Town has gotten to him. He's all snappish and crabby whilst working out.
Speaking of working out, Nicole and Shannon have started exercising together, with Shannon acting as Nicole's trainer. Shannon seems really interested in helping Nicole improve her body, and she does act legitimately helpful. She'd be a great trainer, I think, because she's clearly in awesome shape, and all of her clients would be too scared of her satanic wrath ever to miss a session.
Will and Shannon are schoomping outside when Shannon sees a Black Widow spider and shrieks like a maniac. "That's totally your nickname in the house," Will says, "Black Widow!" Shannon doesn't find this nearly as amusing as I do.
For some reason, Hardy laughs at Shannon as she walks through the bathroom, swathed in towels. She is incensed. I wonder if Hardy's purposely baiting her. I don't know. Anyway, Shannon scampers back to the room she shares with Mike and Will and tells them she's going to get back at Hardy by using his toothbrush to clean the toilet. Mike laughs uproariously.
So Shannon skips back into the bathroom, takes Hardy's electric toothbrush, uses it to scrub all over the inside of the toilet, and laughs evilly to herself. She stumbles out of the water closet and snickers uncontrollably. Moments later, Big Brother calls her into the Diary Room. She rolls her eyes and prances off with Will.
I'd like to take this moment to apologize publicly to Satan for ever comparing him to Shannon. I don't think Satan would stoop to using someone's toothbrush to clean a toilet. Maybe he'd arrange for a person's toothbrush to burst into flames while he was using it, but at least that has some pyrotechnical flair. In the Diary Room, Shannon makes the least apologetic apology ever, ever, ever. Her plan is to clean the base of Hardy's toothbrush and tell him the top is broken. "It will never happen again," Shannon chortles.
Hardy sits in the Big Blue Chair of Smart Cookies and says that he doesn't buy Shannon's story. She told him she broke the toothbrush while reaching for something, but there is nothing near his toothbrush that she could possibly need. He also notes that the head of the toothbrush isn't actually even broken. "[Shannon]'s like the little kid who takes her ball and goes home because the game isn't going her way. It's asinine," he spits.
In the bathroom, Hardy confronts Shannon and asks what she was reaching for. She says it was her curling iron. "But you didn't curl your hair," Hardy points out. Shannon says nothing. "There's no way in hell that she actually broke my toothbrush," Hardy tells the camera.
Pretty boy beautification time. Will plucks his brows and shaves his chest and shaves his hands and his wrists and his legs. ["Ew." -- Wing Chun] I think Will has some issues. Mike says that sometimes he'll shave his chest, but "Will goes places you don't even want to know about." He gestures, you know, downstairs. How much do I not want to think about that? Mike adds that he wants to induce Bunky to shave his chest (Bunky's chest, not Mike's), and makes this very funny waggling finger motion with his hands, which totally cracked me up in spite of myself. Yada yada yada, more discussion of Will's shaved pits. Will pops in to say that he just doesn't like body hair. We get it, Will. Personally, I think I'd be a little freaked by a man with no body hair whatsoever. Men are supposed to be a little hairy. It's, you know, manly, and stuff. ["It reminds me of that one Law & Order in which Burt Young plays a serial rapist who shaves all his body hair so that he doesn't leave any physical evidence at the crime scene. Not that Will is a serial rapist." -- Wing Chun]
Nicole tells the camera that gossip spreads in the house like wildfire. I don't think she's talking about the hot scoop on Will's pits.
Krista eventually tells Hardy that Shannon used his toothbrush to scrub out the toilet. She's very close to laughing, and I can't tell if she's cracking up because she thinks this is funny, or because it's just so very absurd. Hardy looks stunned.
"For her to think she could get away with it is ludicrous," Hardy tells the camera. He goes to confront Shannon, who's tying her shoes in the kitchen. She half-heartedly denies it. Hardy tells her that she's lying, and asks why she can't tell him the truth. "Maybe for the same reason you can't tell me the truth," Shannon retorts. "About what?" Hardy asks. "About why you put me and Will up," Shannon responds. Okay, can we all just get together and agree that Shannon's totally mental? It's a flipping game, brainiac. "It's two members of Chill Town, that's why," Hardy says, like he can't believe he's explaining this all again. Shannon says some more stuff about Hardy's being jealous of her relationship with Will. Hardy asks her whether she's aware that the show is being broadcast on national television. "I'm sure your friends and family are really proud of you now," Hardy snits. Shannon says something lame in response, like, "Yeah, you too." Nicole silently cooks in the background and ignores them. Shannon skips off. Hardy shakes his head and goes to his room. "You fucked with the wrong bull, I'm telling you. You fucked with the wrong bull," Hardy says to himself.
“ Kent explains that Bunky named the non-Chill Town alliance TOP, which stands for 'The Other People.' I take it that Bunky's career as a technical writer doesn't involve a whole lot of creative copywriting? ”
Night Vision. Hardy is sprawled, legs askew, on the bed. He's wearing boxers, but...it's a little distracting. Enter Krista. She tells Hardy that he's losing "focus" with all the "he said, she said" rigmarole. Hardy thinks about this.
Will tells the camera that Shannon's toothbrushing scheme was a little "extreme." He then calls Hardy a "crybaby pretty boy eyebrow-waxing freak." Okay, you egomaniacal, pathetic, eyebrow-plucking nutcase.
Hardy thinks that Shannon is "losing her mind." He wrinkles his nose. "She's never had things not go her way, apparently, and I cannot tell you how pleasant it is to be the one to bring it down for her," he says.
At last, someone begins to suspect Krista's loyalty! Kent explains that he told Krista she needs to "get off the fence," because she's making herself a target for everyone in the house. Apparently, being a house-wide target doesn't bother Krista.
In the Big Blue Chair of Multiple Alliances, Kent explains that Bunky named the non-Chill Town alliance TOP, which stands for "The Other People." I take it that Bunky's career as a technical writer doesn't involve a whole lot of creative copywriting? Kent says that the members of TOP are Kent, Bunky, Monica, Hardy, and Nicole. What about the UT? This is complicated. I know Kent doesn't know about the UT, but is the UT an alliance within an alliance? And does Krista know about TOP? Can she be UT if she's not in TOP? Does the UT no longer exist? I am so confused. Anyway, Bunky asks Hardy whether he's not just a little upset that Krista didn't kick off the exodus of Chill Town last week. Hardy sighs that Krista's goal was personal: to get Autumn out of the house. Bunky thinks that's a little selfish of her: she's making sure she's safe, to the detriment of the rest of them. Hardy looks thoughtful.
Hardy heads into the bedroom to talk to Kent. He tells Kent that he needs Kent to keep his mouth shut about Krista, because he doesn't want dissension in the group until Chill Town is taken care of. Kent calmly tells Hardy that Krista told Kent that she's not in any alliance. Hardy is all, excuse me? Kent repeats himself. Krista told him she's not a part of any group. She's not in TOP.
Outside, Hardy scampers over to Bunky and quietly says that he doesn't want Bunky to think he's declaring "war on Krista," because he's not. But, he says, "it's not only who you nominate, it's who you hang with." At this point, I'd like to thank the subtitles people over at CBS, because all the apostrophes are correct! Whee! Grammar! Oh, right, Hardy: "When somebody says they don't have a problem with how those fucking animals act, and says, 'Oh, they still haven't done anything to me, that's okay,' then [that person is] guilty by association in my book." Bunky nods. Inside the house, Krista hangs with Chill Town.
“ 'If I'm not smart enough to play the game, why are you sitting where you're sitting, and I'm sitting where I'm sitting?' Hardy asks Shannon. 'Bitch,' he thinks. ”
The day (I think), Nicole makes a nice dinner for the entire house. Everyone gathers in the kitchen, except Hardy, who's finishing up his workout in the yard. Someone asks Bunky to say grace, which he does -- tearfully, of course. And Shannon starts snickering! During the prayer! Has she no shame? Will's sort of grinning, and Mike's clearly biting his tongue. Shannon is full-on laughing. Krista looks fairly amused, herself. Bunky finishes up and look at them balefully. "You all was laughing," Monica angrily snaps. "You were snickering." She's pissed. Will says that Mike was the one doing the laughing. Mike cheerfully says that he thought Bunky was kidding, with the tears! "I don't kid when I pray," Bunky solemnly says. Mike laughingly apologizes. Monica looks ready to tear someone a new one, and Will steps in and thanks Nicole for making dinner. Wow, I hate Will the least of Chill Town right now. Who would have thunk it? So, Will starts dishing out the salad. Someone reminds him not to forget to serve Hardy. Shannon snips that she doesn't know if Hardy ever showed the same consideration for someone in the group, if such a someone wasn't at the table. Kent speaks for the universe and asks her to drop it so that they can have a nice dinner for once. Shannon chirps that she doesn't see him "giving it a break," and accuses him of being loud and obnoxious while other people are trying to sleep. Everyone else, seriously, is like, dude, shut up.
Weekly Tuesday Meeting. Can I just tell you about the ulcer I would have if I lived in this house? Anyway, Hardy announces that this meeting is the appropriate forum in which to discuss "interpersonal issues." And the shit hits the fan. Krista and Monica say something about wanting people to talk smack to their faces rather than behind their backs, and then, finally, Kent asks Shannon what happened with the toothbrush. She claims that everyone already knows the story, and repeats that she already bought Hardy a new brush, like that excuses her juvenile prank. Hardy pipes up that he'd like to know the truth, too. Shannon isn't going to come clean. She says that she's already gotten everything out in the open. She's taken care of everything with everyone. "So, you breaking my toothbrush was you going to me personally? You felt it necessary to destroy my personal property?" Hardy asks coolly. "No, I bought you a new one," Shannon says in that snotty, snotty tone. "That's not the fucking point," Hardy snipes. "Oh well. Too bad, so sad," Shannon says infuriatingly, and then refers to Hardy's so-called "fourth-grade games," and then she brings up the "yellow thing" again! Again! Man, Shannon makes Jerri Manthey look like a saint. "But I understand that you're not smart enough to play that game, and that's how you have to play," Shannon concludes. "If I'm not smart enough to play the game, why are you sitting where you're sitting, and I'm sitting where I'm sitting?" Hardy wonders. "Bitch," he thinks. Shannon has no response to this other than to point out that she's leaving the house, anyway. Kent would still like to know whether the toothbrush thing was intentional. "Of course it was intentional," Hardy says. "Of course it was intentional, what are you, stupid? Oh, yeah, you are," Shannon says. Finally, Hardy puts the bloodbath to a stop. Or tries to. Shannon is still yammering. "So I've got all my votes, I'm leaving on Thursday, and you'll be dealt with at a later time," Shannon tells Hardy. "In the house, or outside of the house?" Hardy asks. Shannon doesn't care to clarify. Hardy again asks whether she's threatening to harm him outside of the house. Because, if she is, "trust me baby, you have no fucking clue who you're messing with." Maybe Hardy's in the mafia! We could only be so lucky. "Are you threatening me?" Shannon asks. Hardy is all, we can take it outside the house, bitch, if you want to play that game. Will is seriously hiding behind his floppy bucket hat throughout this entire exchange. Shannon finally backtracks and clarifies that she meant Hardy would be "taken care of" inside the house, within the confines of the game. Hardy is all, damn straight. "Okay, now, you called me a coward..." he begins, and Shannon starts to make fun of him. My. God. Could she be more hateful? Seriously? Because I don't think she could be. "Big strong man," she singsongs, "threatening a little girl. Ooh, the plot thickens." Yeah, she's just a weak little woman, a powerless little sociopathic alleged murderer. Kent gives Shannon the dirtiest of dirty looks as Hardy finally closes the meeting down.
Big Blue Chair of Psycho Hosebeasts. "A lot of these people have no idea, the things that I've done in my life," Shannon begins. Like, for example, vehicular manslaughter. Allegedly. "And I mean, yeah, we can't go as far as the toothbrush incident, although that was just the tip of the iceberg, but there are so many other nasty little psychological games I could play," Shannon snickers. She is truly evil, you guys. I honestly feel sorry for Will. God knows what she could do to him; she only had access to Hardy's toothbrush, but she's got carte blanche to attack Will's clean-shaven delicate bits.
Later, Will tells Shannon that he's really scared of her, and I don't think he's kidding. In the Big Blue Chair of Rethinking the Entire Relationship, Will says he hopes, for everyone's sake, that Shannon does get voted out, because if she stays in the house, she's going to make their lives hell.
Out in the hammock, Hardy moans that playing this game is making him a rotten person. Nicole agrees that she feels so much rage, she can't stand it.
Later, Nicole admits that she almost feels like voting Will out of the house, just to make Shannon stay and perhaps drive her out of her mind. "She may end up leaving the house on other terms," Nicole says ominously. Wouldn't that be sweet? If Shannon got kicked out on her ass, à la Justin Sane? I can't wait to see Julie Chen eviscerate her, either way.
Thursday, at long last. Julie's got this unfortunate penchant for pantsuits that look, from afar, like jumpsuits. This week, the selection is pink. Julie, Julie, Julie. You made so much sartorial progress in the last two weeks. This isn't nearly as bad the sparkly purple deal from the first week of the show, but, darling, this whole monochromatic thing is a bit misguided. Mix it up! Anyhoo, this episode kicks off, as usual, with extensive recappery of the two episodes. This particular series of flashbacks is so lengthy, I have enough time to take flying lessons, get my pilot's license, buy a plane, hand-embroider a banner reading "Get On With It, People!" using thread spun from my personal farm of silkworms, and take three full passes through the airspace over the Big Brother house.
Finally, Julie tells us that Shannon's been requesting that people vote her out of the house rather than Will. Hardy, however, is so hell-bent on thwarting Shannon in every way that he considers having half of the house vote for Shannon, and half for Will, so that he, as HoH, gets to cast the deciding vote. He also considers having his troops vote Will out instead of Shannon, just to torture Mike and Shannon. "Mike won't have his boyfriend, and neither will Shannon," he muses to Nicole, who chortles. Both of them make thoughtful faces.
“ As Shannon stands by the door, Mike spews a long, complex rap in her honor. Again, not going there. That never happened. No rapping in this recap. No rapping, ever, as far as I'm concerned. I'm adopting a hardline anti-rap stance. ”
More voting footage: Krista votes Shannon out, explaining that "[Shannon]'s about being positive, but she throws out a lot of negative." True, that.
Time to meet the families. Frankly, I'm a little scared of the loins from which these two sprang. You know, so to speak. First up is Will's mom. I feel sort of bad, making fun of people's mothers, but I need to point out that Mama Will talks with a very, very clenched jaw. It's a little odd. Anyway, her opinion is that the rest of the people in the house are intimidated by and jealous of Will. Her Will is a respectful and polite animal lover, and he's just playing a role as Evil Will! A role! For attention!
Shannon's mother is . She finds Toothbrushgate endlessly hilarious! "That was probably payback, big-time!" she chortles. "I was proud of Shannon on that one. That'd be something I'd do." Hmmph. Well, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Mama Shannon thinks that Shannon can still win the whole thing. You are delusional, Mama Shannon. Mama Shannon then tells the camera that she doesn't like Will, and that she can't believe Shannon would trade Jim in for the likes of him! Her prediction is that Will won't hesitate to hook up with another woman in the house once Shannon has been evicted.
Mama Will agrees. She thinks that Will's going to put the moves on Krista if Shannon gets kicked out. But what about the Greatest Love That Ever Was? The Love That Taught Will All About Truth and Humanity? My world is shattering.
HoH interview. Hardy yammers that he has no regrets about the nominations, because his whole "modus operandi" was to start knocking out Chill Town, one by one. Really? Because I didn't know that. Julie asks Hardy why he mostly targeted Shannon as opposed to Will, and Hardy admits that he hates Shannon more than he hates anyone else in the house. Does he fear repercussions from the rest of Chill Town, Julie wonders? "I would expect nothing less," Hardy responds. Then he tells Julie that his closest allies in the house are Nicole and Krista! Nicole, I can see, but Krista? What about Monica? Hardy! Stop thinking with your groin. Also, what happened to the whole not-trusting-Krista thing? Hello? Anyone? Hello?
Finally, Julie announces the vote: Shannon gets the boot, 6-0. She bounds out of her chair with a big grin, and does the traditional round of hugs. She's heading for the door when Hardy stops her and wishes her good luck. I'm choosing to interpret that as Hardy exhibiting good sportsmanship, rather than his being a big old wuss. On the other hand, he's won this round; he can afford to be magnanimous. As Shannon stands by the door, Mike spews a long, complex rap in her honor. Again, not going there. That never happened. No rapping in this recap. No rapping, ever, as far as I'm concerned. I'm adopting a hardline anti-rap stance. "Be strong," Will tells Shannon. "No sweat," Shannon responds. What a touching farewell.
Interview time. Julie goes pretty easy on Shannon, but Shannon really has the charm amped up, all laughing and smiling and whatnot. The highlights of the interview? Shannon claiming that she wants everyone to be happy. Shannon's vaguely manly neck. Shannon sidestepping all of Julie's softball questions. Finally, Julie brings up Toothbrushgate. Shannon laughs and laughs and says she knows it was a childish prank. She was just reverting to the sort of pranks she used to pull back in military school, she says, and why am I not surprised that Shannon ended up in military school at some point? Finally, she excuses her behavior by blaming it all on intense boredom. She swears to Julie that she never would have allowed Hardy to brush his teeth with the sullied brush.
, Julie shows Shannon the votes. Kent says that Shannon is "not a very nice person." Bunky admits that he's scared to live in the house with Shannon, because she can make his life a living hell. Nicole and Monica both say they're voting to evict Shannon because she asked them to do so. Nicole sniffles that she really appreciates all the help Shannon gave her while working out, and wishes her all the luck in the world. At this, Shannon starts to tear up. Finally, Julie shows Shannon Will's recorded message to her: Will tells Shannon that she's better than he is in every way. He misses her, he thinks the world of her, he's in love with her. "Your eviction will be avenged with great wrath! Count on it!" he says. Okay, that was sort of funny. Appropriately, at this point Julie questions Shannon about the status of her relationship with Will and asks her why she's never reciprocated any of Will's "I love you"s. Shannon blathers some stuff that basically translates to her not actually being sure whether she loves Will. As for Jim, she has no idea what's going on there. Clearly, Jim knows what's going on, because he hasn't come to pick her up. Instead, her parents tumble into the studio. Cue the requisite hugs and tears.
Finally, we get to the HoH competition, which, this week, is dubbed Higher or Lower. It involves a series of questions about things in the house (the number of burners on the stove, or slots in the toaster, for example). Julie gives the houseguests a numerical answer, and the houseguests either step up or down a series of steps to indicate if the actual answer is higher or lower than the one supplied by Julie. The challenge finally gets down to Mike, Kent and Nicole and I am suddenly very nervous. Nicole gets bounced off, and Kent and Mike go into the "sudden death" round, in which they once again go all Showcase Showdown Style, estimating how much money Big Brother spent on the groceries they won in the Balls Over the Wall challenge. Mike has obviously never even gone to the market, because he thinks that Big Brother only spent $187 dollars on shrimp and cake and asparagus for nine people. Kent's guess is far more reasonable, at $700. The actual amount is $1,248.34, which means that Kent is the new Head of Household, thank the sweet Lord.
This week's final episode concludes with an America's Choice question. The houseguests have all been asked who they miss most from home. Most people long to see their mom, or grandma, or spouse, or kids. Not Will. "I miss Buttercup, my tortoise," Will says sadly. Ha! Little does Will know, the America's Choice question involves a three-minute phone call from home. I'm almost tempted to call in, so that we can all see what Will would do on a three-minute call from his tortoise. I'm sure it would be less sick-making than his entire relationship with Shannon. Poor, evicted, misunderstood Shannon. Who are we going to kick around, now that she's gone?