Saturdays episode kicks off with a long, long recap of last weeks episodes, the only new tidbit of information being the fact that Mike has defaced his "Belly" t-shirt, using the "B" to spell out "Bayonne" (Justins home town), and writing "C-Town" on the back. Mike is retarded. I guess thats really not new information, is it?
The Chill Towners (as much as I hate writing that without quotation marks, Im lazy) are "in shock" over the most recent vote, the one knocking Sheryl out of the house. In the Hot Box, Nicole unpacks her suitcases and laughs toward the camera. In the living room, Mike and Shannon sulk on the sofa. "I cant believe you guys voted for her," Mike pouts. In the Hot Box, Nicole dances gleefully around the room.
Mike tells Shannon that he "feels guilty" because Sheryl ended up getting the boot. "I gotta live with this guilt," he says. "Sherry coulda won 500,000 dollars, and I laid her out like that." He sniffles. Whatever, Mike. I think youre probably feeling a lot crappier about the fact that your little plan backfired, thus proving that youre not in charge of the entire universe.
In the Big Blue Chair of No Longer Feeling Quite So Cocky, Mike admits that hes surprised Nicoles strategery worked at all.
In the living room, Mike gives Kent a dirty look. "I saved you, and you voted the other way," he says. Kent shrugs and says he had to vote his conscience. Mike snits that hes going to remember how everyone voted. Shannon nods and scoots closer to Mike, as though for protection. Shes, like, sitting on his lap.
Mike tells Bunky hes shocked at the way the vote turned out. He shrugs. "If everyone did it for strategy, mad props," he says. "Cool." America rolls its collective eyes at Mikes tragically misguided use of outdated slang.
Kent comes into the Hot Box to update Nicole, Autumn, Bunky, and Hardy on the events around the rest of the house. Mike is currently haranguing Monica, he says, for voting for Sheryl, unaware that Monica actually voted to evict Nicole. Nicole and Autumn are changing out of their Voting Day ensembles. Hardy shrugs. "Let him cut his own throat, who cares?" he asks. "Im going to go off on him," Kent says, and starts to leave, but stops and sticks his head back in the room. "Any more women gonna get naked?" he asks mildly. Heh. Who would have thought that Kent would turn out so funny? Funny ha ha, I mean, not funny peculiar.
Chill Town is still weeping in their beer. "These people are frigging psycho," Shannon says. "They. Are. Psycho." Insert your own pot/kettle/black joke here.
In the Hot Box, Hardy says that his goal -- his only goal -- is to get Will, Shannon, and Mike out of the house.
Krista tries to talk Mike down off his little Chill Town Is Ruined! Ruined! ledge by reminding him that "its all just a game." Will shakes his head. "We thought we were running the game," he says. "We werent running anything." Youre running your reputations into the ground. Does that make you feel better?
In the Big Blue Chair of Shannon Is A Moron, And, From What I Read, An Alleged Murderer, the Prom Queen herself confides that she knows for a fact that Krista voted for Sheryl to stay. The editors cue up some black-and-white footage of Krista solemnly voting to evict Sheryl. You know, the opposite of what Shannon thinks.
Big Blue Chair of Monica Gets No Screen Time: Monica tells us that shes "keeping it real." Thanks for the update, since we never get to see you, Monica. Maybe keeping it real isnt very camera-friendly.
Mike informs Shannon and Will that someone from Chill Town needs to win the HoH. He shakes his head. "Its almost a little refreshing," he says, "because I know where everybody stands, and lets party. Lets dance." I really cant think of any more new, derogatory words to call Mike. Remind me to buy a bigger thesaurus.
Everyone sort of futzes around the house, the Chill Towners avoiding the, um, non-Chill Towners. What are those people calling themselves? The "Real People"? Thats not very clever. I mean, "Chill Town" isnt very clever, either, but "Real People"? Thats not very catchy. How is Hardy supposed to rally the troops with "Real People"? Anyway. Hardy goes outside and starts watering the lawn. Nicole scampers over to talk to him, and he tells her that he thinks people "appreciate a straight shooter," which helped her escape eviction, in his opinion.
Autumn tells the camera that shes disgusted with some of the people she has to live with. Disgusted! According to Autumn, Mike hatched some plan to seduce her in order to get her on Chill Towns side of the Nicole/Sheryl voting blocks. Mike sure has a mighty high opinion of his sexual prowess if he thinks the best way to rally votes over to Chill Town is to nail the chicks in the house, as if once they experience ecstasy at the hands of Mike Boogie, theyll be putty in his hands. Not that I know for sure, but it seems to me that a thirty-year-old man who still goes by "Boogie" might not be a real lothario.
We switch to Night Vision, where Autumn is in bed with Mike. I dont even want to think about what could possibly have convinced Autumn that it was a good idea to hook up with Mike. Although Mike is, thus far anyway, the least obviously objectionable of the Chill Towners (which is sort of like being the least condemned person on death row), hes still obviously playing her. Hello? Autumn? How nave and needy are you? Anyhoo, Mikes all, lets do it now before the other people get here.
“ So, at the very least, Mike planned to succumb to Autumns feminine wiles in order to secure her vote. Classy. ”
Big Blue Chair of Indignity! Autumn cant believe Mike was actually going to have sex with her to try to get her vote!
Big Blue Chair of Mike Was Going to Have Sex With Her To Try To Get Her Vote. "Shes a liar, shes an attention-getter," Mike spits disdainfully. Its true that Mike never does anything to try and get attention. Hes all about quiet dignity.
Back to the Night Vision camera. Night Vision Autumn tells Night Vision Mike that shed be a bit more comfortable if they were, "like, alone." Mike exhales this very put-upon sigh, and starts to climb out of the bed. "Its fine, thatsits cool," he says in a very disappointed tone. Id like to take this moment to explain to the people at CBS who are writing the subtitles for these whispered conversations that the contraction for "it is" -- that is, "its" -- takes an apostrophe. So does "thats." Please bear that in mind, as I can no longer stand reading your grammatically incorrect subtitles, especially in conjunction with the mental agony inherent in having to watch the machinations of these dipwads day in and day out. Thank you!
Autumn tells the camera that she wanted to see how far Mike would take the whole sex-for-votes scandal, and when she saw that he would take it "all the way to the top," she called it off. In horror!
On the bed, Mike and Autumn argue about who pursued whom. Autumn makes a series of sickened faces. In the Big Blue Chair of Big Fat Liars, Mike smiles and says, "The vote was really not that important to [him]." Then he swears the Autumn was "the sexual aggressor," but then he admits that he "told [Chill Town] dont worry, I got [the vote] handled." So, at the very least, Mike planned to succumb to Autumns feminine wiles in order to secure her vote. Classy.
The day (I guess), Mike and Autumn sit out by the pool and argue about the Seduction. Mike yells that he "wont have [his] name associated with sexual harassment!" Autumn yells something about him being the aggressor. They yell at each other simultaneously, and I have no idea whos saying what. Everyone else in the yard looks uncomfortable except Shannon, who drinks a glass of water and looks amused. Autumn wonders (loudly) why Mike would "single her out" like that. Mike insists, loudly, that she came on to him. Autumn finally just shakes her head and says she wants to drop the entire thing. Mike says hes going to call a house meeting in half an hour. Autumn says she isnt going to be there. "Thirty minutes," Mike says. "Fine, great," Autumn snaps.
Over in the Big Blue Chair of Autumn, Why Are You Talking To Shannon?, Autumn tells us that she tried to approach Shannon about "eating better and working out."
Autumn Leaves
Cut to the Big Blue Chair of Shannon Is A Huge, Huge Bitch. Shannon smirks at the camera, self-satisfied. "I put a bag of potato chips on Autumns bed," she says. "I thought she was hungry."
In the Hot Box, Autumn weeps and weeps and weeps about the chips on her bed. This is so junior high, I cant even believe it. Although, now that I think about it, if I were Autumn, I dont even know if I would have understood why there was a bag of chips on my bed. I think my reaction would have been, like, "Hey, howd these get here? Weird." I guess Autumn is more attuned to the subtle and juvenile machinations of Chill Town, however, because she sobs uncontrollably on Nicoles lap.
The Big Blue Chair of Hardy Is The Only Person On This Show That I Even Like Anymore. "I think Autumn is being singled out by Mike, Will, and Shannon because they see her as the weak gazelle," Hardy explains. "Any predator will always go for the weakest animal in the herd." Back in the Hot Box, Hardy sets his jaw, takes the bag of chips, and returns it to the kitchen. He comes back to the bedroom and tells Nicole and Autumn that "the gloves are off, the gloves are off." Not his gloves, Chill Towns gloves. The ones concealing their cloven hoofs. Back in the Big Blue Chair of Hardy Is Not Only Handsome, But Also Sensitive, Hardy is totally tearing up! "I just wanted to give [Autumn] a hug and tell her, not everyone is like that, you know? Not everyone has that in them, to be so hurtful." Sigh. I start scribbling on my Pee Chee folder: Jessica Hill. Mrs. Hardy Hill. Jessica Morgan Hill. In the bedroom, my future husband hugs Autumn, whos weeping that she doesnt want to stay in the house anymore because she just cant cut it. Krista, whos been leaning against a dresser, tells Autumn not to let Chill Town get to her, that theyre not worth this.
Big Blue Chair of If I See Shannon In The Street, I Will Kick Her In The Shins. "There are way too many people in this house who are always the victim. They are weak. What can you do?" she asks, and smiles like Heather Chandler. Im seriously beginning to think that Shannon is even worse than Will.
In the Hot Box, Hardys trying to convince Autumn to stay in the house. "If you go home, then theyve beaten you," he says. "Dont let them beat you." Autumn says some stuff about being weak and wanting to go home and blah dee blah. Krista interrupts her to give her a whole lot of tough love, firmly finishing by telling Autumn that shes "a very strong person, and [she has] got to catch a grip." Krista pulls Autumn off the bed and hugs her fiercely.