Saturday's episode kicks out the jams with new credits and a sucky theme song. Seriously, I've heard more affecting music in the elevator on the way up to get my teeth drilled.
Mike lolls in his armchair in the HoH room and looks all serious about the fact that he has, as he says, two people's hope and dreams in his hands. Mike takes his duties as HoH way too seriously. I mean, he's not in charge of student loans at Harvard, or anything. While Mike thinks about how important and powerful and wonderful and smart he is, Kent pops his head into Mike's room and tries to convince Mike to join his (at this point) probably non-existent alliance, which consists, he says, of all the guys in the house. "You gotta understand, man, these chicks aren't chicks -- these chicks are guys," Kent says. Mike sort of cocks his brow. "Meaning...?" he asks. "Meaning they're out to cut your nuts off," Kent says. "Riiiiiiiight," Mike drawls. So, let me get this straight. The women in the house, according to Kent, are like men, because they want to cut Mike's nuts off? I would think that a sexist like Kent would consider the desire to emasculate a purely feminine one, but I guess not. Anyway, Kent tries to convince Mike to join an alliance with him and the rest of the men in the house, to pick off the women one by one. Mike is non-committal. In the Dear Diary room, he leans back and says that he doesn't need to form an alliance with Kent, although he may "bring [Kent] along for the ride, as much as [Mike] is sick of hearing [Kent's] voice." Say what you will about Mike (like, for example, that you hate him, and think he's a giant tool), but at least he's got a strategy. If anyone's the Richard Hatch of this house, it's Mike. Although he's keeping his clothes on so far. Thank God. Mike tells Kent that he'll "marinate on [sic]" Kent's suggestions.
Bunky tells the camera that he's afraid he's going to get voted out of the house by the other men. "There's a war on between me and Kent, whether he knows it or not," he says. Bunky, it turns out, is coming out to the women in the house one by one, both because he hates being in the closet, and because he feels that he needs their help to stay in the house.
Bunky comes out to Autumn by showing her a picture of his husband, Greg, and their dogs. Autumn reacts as well as Bunky could possibly have hoped, I think, hugging him and being quite supportive. Autumn comes off well in this scene because she isn't just pretending that she doesn't care Bunky is gay because she's on TV, or wants to sound politically correct, or to further her agenda in any way. It truly doesn't bother her, and it's obvious that she really likes Bunky. Moreover, she makes a good point when she tells him that if he doesn't feel comfortable coming out to the rest of the house, he shouldn't feel obligated to do so. His sexuality, she points out, is none of their business. "They're strangers," she finishes, and hugs him, and kisses him on the wrist. Bunky whispers that he just doesn't want to be a loner in the house. Autumn assures him that he'll never be a loner as long as she's still in the house. Aw -- yay, Autumn! She's needy, but I think her heart is in the right place. In his interview, Bunky confesses that he's incredibly relieved that Autumn likes him for him, and doesn't care that he's gay. Everybody likes you, Bunky! Well, everybody who counts. ["I like him and all but, dude...'Bunky'?" -- Wing Chun]
Night Vision Camera Time. Mike (I think, although I don't know why he isn't in his HoH room) leans over and tells Kent that he thinks Bunky is gay. Will listens to them talk. Kent starts yammering some more about how close he and Justin are, and says some more stuff about his stupid plans for alliance. Bunky overhears this entire conversation. Mike is totally dividing and conquering. Well, he's trying to conquer.
Bunky's working his own alliance -- or trying to -- telling us that he thinks "six women and a gay guy" would be unstoppable. He mentions this to an amenable Nicole in the storage room. Nicole has no reaction whatsoever in this scene to Bunky's being gay, which makes me think he's already come out to her.
Or, she's just preoccupied. See, Nicole is having issues getting along with her fellow roommates, especially Mike, or, as she calls him, "Slim Shady." Heh. Turns out Mike doesn't think much of Nicole, either. "The first person I would nominate is Nicole," he tells the camera. "The second person I would nominate? Is Nicole." The editors cue up a montage of Nicole being loud and obnoxious: beating something on the kitchen counter with what looks like a meat tenderizer, waving her ass in the camera, yelling about her tampons. Shannon says that Nicole is a neat freak. Kent snips that he hates Nicole. I'm sure she's crying tears in her beer over his rejection. On the other hand, both Autumn and Sheryl seem to like Nicole a lot. Back in the Big Blue Chair of Tearful Commentary, Mike snips that he really wishes Nicole would be quiet, because "the house isn't that big." Hey, Mike, Kettle called while you were out and asked me to give you a message. Apparently, you're black. Then Mike performs yet another rap, this time about the fact that he's going to have to kick someone out of the house. Or something. I have no idea what he's talking about half the time, actually.
Apparently, the houseguests are spending a lot of time in and around the pool, in various stages of undress. We learn that Nicole once got scabies "from being in a community-type water thing" (also known as "the hot tub at the community center"). Thanks so much for sharing, Nicole. Blah, blah, everyone likes the pool, but Nicole is scared of it, due to her unfortunate scabies incident. She tells us that she's trying to get over her phobia.
, Mike tells us that he and Will decided it would be fun to make each of the guys put on a woman's bathing suit for the challenge. Because drag, like Mike's sideways visor, is so hip, so now, so 1992. For some reason, none of the women seems to have a problem with Hardy, Will, Mike, and Justin stretching out their bathing suits. Mike comments that one thing he enjoys about this group is that everyone is "open to having fun." Whatever, Mike. My eyes are bleeding from watching you shake your ass in poor Krista's cute handkerchief-top Hawaiian two-piece.
So, the powers that be pass a challenge along to Mr. Head of Household, Mike, thus sparing us Julie Chen and her sparkly purple almost-jumpsuit. The housemates have to dig through a large-ish, waist-high pool, full of what looks like oatmeal and tree bark, to find a dozen keys, each of which has a houseguest's name on it. There are twenty-four keys in the pool, though, and only the engraved ones count, obviously. The prize? A hot tub. "I wanted to barf when I saw the tub with the mud, and the other stuff," Autumn admits. Mike crows some crazy pep talk, calling his fellow housemates "the dirty dozen," launches himself into the pool, and starts rummaging around in the gunk. Mike finds a key, but it's not engraved. "Shit," he says, and the censors totally miss it. One by one, as their keys are found, the rest of the houseguests leap into the mess. Krista, in an interview, admits that digging around in the oatmeal, or whatever it is, was really fun. Nicole, on the other hand, stands by the pool and stares in horror at the goop. "I have a phobia of bathing in other people's dirt," she says. Really? Because there's nothing I enjoy more than diving right into someone's dirty bath water. Ideally, a stranger's bath water. A stranger with, like, herpes, and body lice, and open, bleeding wounds. But, when Nicole's key is found, she sucks it up, dives right into the crud, and gets to work. Finally, everyone but Monica is in the tub, the clock is winding down, and they can't find her key. And with the hot tub on the line! The suspense is killing me! After lots of mucking around in the junk, Krista snags the final key. "It was really cool," Krista says, and grins. She's such a good sport! I hope she doesn't start acting like an idiot and, thus, ruin my little fantasy of the two of us sitting around and eating candy from Monica's store, talking about what a shame it is that Will is so cute, and yet such a jerk, braiding each other's hair, and talking shit about Shannon. The housemates cheer their success, and shake the wheat -- or whatever -- out of their hair. Mike admits that Nicole made up some ground in his book by diving into the pool despite her phobias. "I was proud of the squad today," he says, like he's their football coach.
I guess Nicole knows that she's skating on thin ice, because she tries to cozy up to other people in the cast. In the Diary Room, Mike says that he "salutes" her efforts. Whatever, Mike. You're HoH for one week; it's not like the housemates elected you President of the United States. The editors show Nicole talking up several cast members, including Hardy, who sits down on the kitchen counter to watch her cook, and who also seems legitimately interested in getting to know her. I like me some Hardy: abs of steel and a heart of gold. Well, so far. As for the brains, they remain to be seen: we could be talking steel-trap mind, or dumber than a box of nails.
Later, Bunky and Monica are talking in the storage room, as Mike presses his ear against the wall and eavesdrops from within his fancy, private HoH room. Bunky tells Monica that Kent is a homophobe. "He'll get over it," Monica stridently responds. Bunky tells her that he's concerned Kent will talk the rest of the men into voting him out of the house. Mike asks Bunky and Monica (through the wall) to come into his room. They look at each other and scamper on in there. In the Blue Chair of Patronizing Condescension, Mike says that he felt like he was "doing Bunky a favor-slash-service in letting him know where the other guys were at." Okay, two things: (a) I hate it when people actually say "slash" like that, and (b) my absolute pet peeve is people ending a sentence with the word "at." It's unnecessary, and it's not grammatically correct. Anyway, Bunky comes out to Mike. Mike's, all, I knew. Monica's all, I knew, too. Mike doesn't care. Neither does Monica. In the Blue Chair of Monica Rocking My World, she says that she totally has Bunky's back, "because he deserves nothing but respect." Bunky tells Mike that if he gets voted out, he wants it to be because he's "an asshole," not because he's gay. Mike perches on his throne -- er, "his bed" -- and says that Bunky will not be voted out because of his sexuality. Because Mike controls the world. I think that being HoH has totally gone to Mike's head, because there is no way he can control who votes for whom, and why -- not at this point.
Okay, all that heavy stuff must be over now, because the music editors have cued up the Zany Tuba Music of Impending Hijinks. This music is horrible. Where is Mark Snow when I need him? Anyway, it turns out that, in addition to being homophobic, and sexist, Kent also snores like a buzz saw and no one near him can get any sleep. If I lived in that house, I would just stroll over to his bedroll and kick him in the head. Not hard enough to cause any permanent damage.
, Hardy strolls around the house in his boxer briefs, as Mike says something about a "pretty-boy backlash," by which I think he means that he's jealous that all the ladies are into beefcake instead of, you know, him. Because I don't see any backlash from anyone in the house other than Mike here. This cues up a montage of Hardy working out. Everyone in the viewing audience with a soft spot for the hard body type slips and falls in a puddle of their own spittle. Then, my favorite part of the entire Saturday episode: Hardy tosses some chlorine in the hot tub, then turns around to walk back into the house, and steps in a dip in the lawn or something, and totally bites it, falling right on his face with an "oof!" Heh. Nothing's funnier than people falling down. Mike voice-overs that he likes Hardy, but that he thinks he's expendable. Also, he doesn't know whether he wants to "look at that sweaty body all summer."
, Mike comes up with another game to keep the housemates occupied. Well, the single housemates, anyway. He tells Kent, Bunky, and Nicole that he's totally willing to take part in any activity, but that he's not very good at thinking up games married people can play. In other words, he can't think of anything that isn't sexual. The first game on Mike's Long List of Fun Activities for Hot Singletons involves the hot tub, whipped cream, strawberries, and basically making out with everyone on the show. He admits as much in the Big Blue Chair of Blue Balls, saying that he wanted to kiss some of the girls in the house, and that the game was his way to do that. It looks like everyone has a good time, getting whipped cream all over each other, although Will complains that Autumn is "too aggressive." Shannon stands up in the tub and reveals that she's wearing a thong. TMI, Shannon. We all know you're hot without seeing your bare ass. Mike says something about knowing that Sheryl "wanted to party." I have to admit, I love that all these young guys are hot for the older woman. You see young women paired with older guys all the time, so it's nice to see the other side of the coin on television. On the other hand, "wanted to party"? Ew, Mike. Justin sits in the blue chair and flashes his fang. "Everyone had a good time. Justin's down with that," he says. Oh, Justin. That was Justin Fantile. I can't wait until you're Justin Carcerated.
Cue the Who's Going to Hook Up? session of this episode. Basically, Shannon and Will are hot for each other, and they can barely keep themselves from having sex right there, but somehow, they manage to keep their hormones under control. For now. Despite the fact that they're sleeping in the same bed, and that Will just spent the entire afternoon talking about electrons, when he knows that Shannon thinks smart guys are hot, hot, hot.
In the HoH room, Autumn tells Mike that she doesn't want to hook up with Justin, although Justin apparently thinks she does. She tells Mike that "Justin isn't [her] first choice." Mike thinks that she means he's her first choice, although we all know Autumn is hot for Hardy. Good work with the self-confidence, though, Mike. In the Big Blue Chair of Letting Her Down Easy, Hardy opines that Autumn has some neediness issues that she needs to address. In other news, Autumn cries about nothing on her bed, and says she feels excluded from the group. "Autumn better watch herself in the [] sixteen to twenty-four hours," Mikes says ominously, like he's thinking about taking her out back and shooting her.
, we learn that everyone loves Sheryl, and Sheryl loves everyone. She's like the archetypical Hot Mom.
Finally, after a ton of futzing around, Mike brings out what he calls "The Box of Fate," and Krista calls Pandora's Box; the box which the HoH will use to announce the nominations. Then, Mike takes himself too seriously for about twenty minutes. I'm going to cut to the chase, though. The Box of Fate works like this: Mike loads ten of the engraved keys from the pool into pre-cut holes in the top of the box. Those keys belong to the housemates who are safe from nomination. The keys missing from the box belong to the two unlucky schmoes who have their heads on the chopping block that week. There's a whole lot of rigmarole with the keys, and it turns out that the first Schmoes are Nicole and Sheryl. Mike gives this whole long speech about why he nominated Nicole, and basically says that he nominated Sheryl, because she's so well-liked, he knows no one will chose to evict her. He's acting like a "one-man jury," he says, and he thinks that the group can lose Nicole with the least amount of pain or trouble. Everyone gets up from the table and hugs. Sheryl tells the camera that she doesn't think anything is safe or sacred, and that she's still on her guard against eviction. Nicole tells us that she thinks she can "turn it around," and that she sees "some wars" in the future. No doubt.
Tuesday's episode begins with Nicole, who sits in the Big Blue Chair of Possibly Evicted Chicks With Tattooed Eyebrows and tells the camera that the upcoming week will be hell. "I feel like I'm going to die," she says. Sheryl says that as soon as the nominees were announced, pretty much everyone came up to her and assured her there was no way she'd be voted out of the house. This revelation is accompanied by a shot of Mike walking up to Sheryl, right in front of Nicole, patting Sheryl on the back, and saying, "There's no way." In the Big Blue Chair of Nominees Who Are Not Named Sheryl, Nicole cries some more, and sniffs that she refuses to "whore [herself]" in order to stay in the house. Her plan is to lure people over to her side, one by one.
Nicole lolls on Hardy's bed and thanks him for talking to her, because it's making her feel better. Hardy tells her there's nothing to thank him for; he's choosing to hang out with her. He advises her to act as though absolutely nothing is wrong. Nicole sniffles something to the effect that friends are really important to her, and that it's really hard for her not to have any in the house. Hardy nods sympathetically. From all accounts (including the live feeds), Hardy seems like a genuinely nice guy. Obsessed with protein bars and grams of carbs, but nice.
Outside, Bunky whispers to Nicole that he and Autumn are voting for Sheryl, in order to "nip it in the bud" -- "it" being the so-called "Chill Town" alliance of Justin, Mike, Will and Shannon. Nicole tells Bunky and Autumn that if, say, Bunky were to get HoH week, he could nominate Will and Mike. And, according to the rules of the game, one of them would have to go. "Probably Will," Nicole says, rolling her eyes.
The editors insert a shot of Will admiring his shirtless reflection in a mirror. He preens shamelessly. "My God! Half-man, half-amazing!" he crows. Will's half a man, all right.
Back at the patio table, Nicole tells Bunky and Autumn that Will, Shannon, Mike, and Justin are "an evil alliance," which is so true. They are, I think, also doomed to be an ineffectual alliance, since everyone hates them and they don't have a majority vote. I guess that remains to be seen, however.
In the Diary Room, Bunky says that some of the housemates are banding together to vote out Sheryl, so that Nicole can help them get rid of Will. "Will is being a dictator. And he has to go," Bunky says.
is a long montage of Sheryl, designed to prove to the viewing audience that she's hot, hot, hot. We get it. She's good-looking. She's a hot mom. She's smoking hot. She's wearing a thong bikini. Dude, I had no idea thong bathing suits were so prevalent: I rarely see one on the beach, and I live in Los Angeles, World Center for Body-Conscious Bathing Suits. Actually, L.A. might run second to, like Miami, there. I don't know. Anyway, Will repeats that he wants to have sex with Sheryl. He and Mike lie in the hammock and talk about how hot, hot, hot, hot, hot Sheryl is. "The Mrs. Robinson episode," Mike says. "Coo coo ca choo!" Will purrs. Pigs. Sheryl's son is, like, hiding his face in a pillow right now. No kid wants to hear that people want to bang his mom.
More yammering to the effect that everyone likes Sheryl, even if they're planning to vote her off the island...Er, "out of the house." In the Diary Room, Sheryl comments that, eventually, even people who are well-liked are going to have to go.
In the Big Blue Chair of Homophobes Who Don't Even Look That Bad Anymore Compared to the Rest of the Psychopaths in this House, Kent points out that Sheryl is a big threat to people who want to win the game. He doesn't like her that much, anyway; he thinks she's really passive-aggressive.
Bunky needs to stop whispering in the Diary Room. Speak up, sweetie. None of us can hear you. He tells the camera that he sees Sheryl as a big threat to his plan of winning all the cash.
Kent's Diary Room: Kent says that "some of these guys" (a.ka. Justin, Will, Mike, and Shannon) think they're really controlling the game, but in reality...not so much.
Okay, so Will is the most vain person alive. Seriously. We see all the housemates getting ready in the morning, and none of them seems unusually obsessed with his or her appearance. But Will? He's insane. The man plucks his hairline, so that it's symmetrical. He plucks his eyebrows. He examines the symmetry of his face. He curls his eyelashes. He brushes his brows with a toothbrush.
Thus beautified, Will hits the Big Blue Chair of Narcissistic Twats. "I hope everyone has underestimated my potential for just massive destruction," Will says, cocking one astoundingly well-groomed brow. The editors freeze-frame him, switch to black and white, and crank up the funky 1960s James Bond villain tunes.
"He's really pissing off a lot of people," Bunky says of Will. In the bathroom, Nicole fastens her overalls and complains about Will, while Krista blow-dries her hair and nods. In the Diary Room, Bunky says he hopes that Kent, Monica, Krista, Autumn, and Nicole can help him take Will out. "As soon as possible," he says.
Later, Will tells some of the men how mean and insensitive ER doctors are, spinning some story about what he does when he sews up someone's face. Um, why is an oncologist sewing up people's faces? That must have been during medical school and his six-month ER rotation, in which case, there's no way he was in charge of sewing up anything other than minor skin lacerations, because medical students have no power whatsoever. Hardy listens to this story and looks disgusted.
In the living room, Kent tells Bunky that Will told the group that if he sees the parents of a dying child, he just tells them to "get over it." They both make shocked faces. Will is so full of shit. If he ever pulled that kind of crap on a patient, he would be out on his ass before he even finished his sentence. Surgeons can be arrogant jackholes, but from my understanding, they're generally jackholes to their underlings and co-workers, not to the patients. "Okay, the war is on," Bunky says. Yay, war!
Will has what he thinks is a brilliant idea: a twenty-four-hour fast. He says that he's totally fooled people into thinking that the fast is designed for "spiritual cleansing," but, he says, it's actually to see if he can get people to do what he wants. The entire house agrees to fast for the entire twenty-four hours. I would have been all, "Fasting? Yeah, have fun with that. Do we have any ice cream?" Will sits in the Big Blue Chair of Dietary Control and says that his "spiritual cleansing" line was "total BS." He smirks. "It puts me in a position of power, like I can be the puppeteer, and they can be the marionettes!" Arnold Shapiro digs up some hysterically creepy Evil Puppeteer Music and blares it as Will grins evilly into the camera. Will is the devil.
The housemates are given a very stupid project, which involves making a videotape about the house. The only thing you need to take away from this segment is that Will is enormously bossy, and it's pissing everyone off.
, the Dark Lord and his Mistress -- also known as Will and Shannon -- discuss their evil love affair. The leave out the part where they've decided that Shannon will bear Beelzebub's devil spawn in exchange for uncontested control of Tanzania and Uruguay after Will takes over the world. They each say separately that their relationship is like that of brother and sister. Yeah, in a V.C. Andrews novel. Anyhoo, there's lots of lying around and looking deep into each other's soulless eyes and talking about how beautiful they are and how much they want to do each other. They sleep in the same bed and make me lose my appetite for dinner. Forever.
Finally, Bunky comes out to Kent. Kent reacts fairly well, for a self-professed homophobe, although he brings up the whole "you lied to us thing" thing and won't let it go for, like, ten minutes. Finally Bunky admits that he skirted the issue of his sexuality, which seems to satisfy Kent. Kent wonders whether Bunky was always gay. Bunky tells him that he was. Kent asks whether being gay is hard. Bunky says it's awful. Sigh. What ever happened to "I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it"? Not being gay myself, I can't say one way or another what it's like, and if Bunky truly feels that his sexuality is "awful," I feel sorry for him. ["Not that I know Bunky or, like, even watched the show, but maybe he meant that it's 'awful' being gay in such a homophobic society, because you have to make a big deal out of telling asswipes like Kent that you're gay and then worry what they might hate you. I think that would be pretty awful." -- Wing Chun] But Bunky's sexuality is an integral part of who he is, and I wish he would tell Kent that while it's hard to be gay when there's so much homophobia in the world, he's proud of being who he is. Period. At any rate, Kent is satisfied after Bunky tells him that when he first realized he was gay, he prayed, and felt ashamed. "Like 'I'm a freak'? 'Something's wrong with me'?" Kent yells. Bunky's like, um, yeah, whatever, leave me alone. Apparently, though, Bunky had real issues coming to terms with his homosexuality. He tells Kent that, at one point, he even considered suicide. This revelation, at least, seems to convince Kent that homosexuality isn't a choice. "I admire the courage it takes to be who you are in a straight world," Kent says. Bunky thanks him. "I respect you for that," Kent says, and hugs him. Then Kent runs off to the bathroom to bathe in lye. Actually, he tells the camera that it took a lot of courage for Bunky to come out to him. I have to admit, Kent handled that way better than I'd anticipated. And I'm glad Bunky doesn't have to hide in the closet anymore, especially since it was obviously causing him a lot of pain.
In the Big Blue Chair of Puppeteering, Will continues telling us that he's all in charge of everyone else and that everyone does everything he says. Cue the black and white footage of Will being a total ass: it turns out that Autumn has broken the Satanic Fast by sneaking pretzels into her bed. Mmmmm, pretzels. According to Will, this proves that Autumn has no will power. Yeah, or she just didn't feel like going twenty-four hours without eating. In the girl's room, Autumn whines to Krista that she's scared of what Will will say when he finds out she broke the fast. Krista sassily points out that Autumn doesn't have to report anything to Will; he's not the boss of them!
People slowly begin eating as their twenty-four hours come to a close. But Will's being all dicky about it, like it pisses him off to see people eat before he bangs the End of Fast Gong of Evil, or something. Nicole says that she even went a few hours over before she dug into a meal, and "they" still gave her dirty looks. "Which I could give two shits about," she says. Okay, you know how I hated Nicole? Not no more. I really hope she somehow squeaks through the upcoming vote and stays in the house to use her powers for good. Puppetmaster music tinkles in the background while people eat their dinners. In the Big Blue Chair of Being The Devil, Will tells the camera that the fast proved to him that Autumn has no will power, but that Justin had more than he thought. Smirk.
It turns out that the houseguests are running out of food, which leads to another stupid competition, to which I will not devote much bandwidth. ["Especially since, hi, Survivor. What is with CBS starving people all the time?" -- Wing Chun] Long story short, they have to use their bodies to spell out the name of the food they'd like to eat. They spell out "filet" for "filet mignon." Nicole is peeved about this, because she's a vegetarian, but she only makes a big deal about it in the Big Blue Chair of Ignored Non-Meat-Eaters. The group gets the meat and everyone is happy. Nicole eats lots of rice. I notice that the back of Mike's jersey says "Boogie," like it's actually his last name.
, Nicole tells is that she realizes that she has some support in the house, and that she needs to work it, not just lay down and let herself be voted out without a fight. Kent advises her to play it cool, not to interrupt people, and not to act too pushy. He's actually pretty nice about it, and in this case, it's probably not bad advice.
In the hammock, Justin tells Nicole that he's not voting her out, but I think that's a lie. He tells Nicole that "Sharon" (I assume he means Sheryl) is "as phony as a two-dollar bill." Shit, you mean that two-dollar bill in the top drawer of my dresser is a fake?
Diary room. Krista says that she's voting for Nicole to stay in the house, and she predicts the vote will be closer than everyone else seems to think. Krista admits that she thinks Will is totally obnoxious, but she's trying to fool him into thinking she's going along with his ridiculous puppetmaster act. "God help him, I get HoH, because, he's gone," she grins.
Outside, Kent is totally talking Monica into voting for Sheryl rather than Nicole, pointing out that, if Monica wants to win, Sheryl is far the greater threat. Monica's all, whoa, you might just be right.
Big Blue Chair of the Turning of the Tide. "I am vengeance bitch now," Nicole says. "I'm going to get Will kicked out of here." Go, vengeance bitch, go!
Bunky leans into the camera and says that Justin is never, ever serious. Huh. Well, that remains to be seen. Anyway, Bunky finds Justin hysterical, but I think that Justin is a psychopath. And Kent thinks he's a threatening bully. This may be one of the only times Kent and I agree on anything. See, it turns out that Justin keeps stealing Kent's pillows. And Kent tells him to cut it out. Fang doesn't really get why this is an issue, so he snags the pillow again. Kent comes after Justin and tells him to give the pillow back. Justin does, but as soon as Kent goes back out to the patio, Justin goes back to Kent's bed and takes what looks like a sofa pillow. He waves it out the window in Kent's face. "I feel like this is a prison mentality, and he's trying to make me his, quote, bitch," Kent voice-overs, and that's the funniest thing I've heard on this show thus far. So Justin waves the sofa pillow in Kent's face, then goes outside and, like, throws down. Kent tells Justin that he can have all the sofa pillows he wants. Justin says that he's going to knock the shit out of Kent. They argue about whether this is the first time Justin's stolen Kent's pillow. There's a lot of beeping. Finally, Justin storms off, all puffed up. Kent says that he's scared of Justin, because Justin is big, young, strong, and insane. For his part, Justin admits that he was a little fired up at the time, and says he wasn't serious.
Later, Justin sort of apologizes to Kent, and Kent tells him not to worry about it, but he tells the camera that he hates Justin, and there's no way he's going to align himself with such a nut job.
Outside in the hammock, Will and Shannon have a nauseating discussion about whether she ought to kiss him. Will claims that he's never kissed a girl in his life, because they always make the moves on him. Then he tells her that he'll probably be in People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People issue year. And that 500,000 fourteen-year-old girls are yelling at their TVs right now, exhorting Shannon to kiss him! Kiss him! 500,000 women are yelling at the TV right now, but I think they're using the word "kick," rather than "kiss."
Storage room. More flirting, straddling, and neck kissing from Shannon and Will. Oh, just do it, and shut up about it and churn out tons of little evil babies for your unholy army. Eventually, Will lies on top of Shannon and tells her he feels nauseous. That makes two of us. They laugh, and then she stares at him with her cold dead eyes and tells him that she has "zero power. The only power [she] has is what's [hers]." Huh? Whatever. These two deserve one another.
Later, in their bed, Shannon and Will undertake a whole lot of undercover rustling. I think...yeah, I don't know what just happened there, but I think some, um, oral pleasure was involved. Ew. Bad mental image. Will sits in the Big Blue Chair of the Recently Orally Pleasured. "I do have a message for her boyfriend at home," he says. "He's outta here!" At home, Shannon's boyfriend is all, "I have a message for you, Will. I'm going to hunt you down, and kill you like a dog in the street. A dog in the street!"
Autumn tells the camera that if Nicole somehow manages to stay in the house, it's going to be "war." Will tells the camera that he's scared of Nicole. As well he should be, I think. Mike is under the impression that Nicole is doomed. Sheryl says some stuff and blinks a lot. Finally, Nicole tells us that if she survives the vote, she's going to kick some major ass.
Thursday. We're told that an ass has indeed been kicked: right out of the house. Not through the vote, either. Julie Chen tells us that Justin was expelled for "violence and physical intimidation." And, also, because he's a complete and utter mental case. Okay, can I take a sidebar here to say that Julie's hair looks really cute, and I like her semi-transparent, shirred pink top? It's true. She looks cute! Anyway, Julie says some stuff about the houseguests being concerned for their own safety, and from what I've heard about Justin's behavior from the live feed watchers, I don't think that's an idle fear. The guy's a complete psycho freak show.
Cut to some Night Vision Footage of Justin talking to someone we can't see, but who must be either Will or Mike, or both. "This time I'm going to punch her [Autumn] right in the stomach," Justin promises. "And you know, she made a date with the devil [he points to himself], you know what I mean?" Someone -- I think it's Mike -- chortles, "Totally!" Class act, both of these two.
In the Big Blue Chair of Shirtlessness, Hardy says that he's not worried about his own safety around Justin, but that he's worried about the safety of some of his housemates.
Night Vision: "If I do get that other one tomorrow, you know, the freakin', the one that I'm going to give the black eye to?" Justin asks. Whomever he's talking to sort of grunts. "If I get her, bro, you will guarantee you'll hear her scream [sic], 'cause I'm going to do her doggy-style and I'm going to give her such a kidney shot." Justin mimes punching someone.
Nicole perches in the Big Blue Chair of Obviousness, and says that Justin was very threatening, and could easily have harmed someone in the house.
You know how I said Justin was like Joey Tribbiani? I'd like to take this moment to retract said comment and apologize to NBC, Matt Leblanc, and the entire cast and crew of Friends. Justin is no Joey Tribbiani. In the Big Blue Chair of the Fang, Justin is totally grinning. "I understand that physical violence or intimidation is not part of this game. And won't be tolerated. And therefore, I won't be part of anything related to physical violence or intimidation." He's fully laughing here. "I apologize for maybe getting close to crossing the line. So, ah, at this point, you have no worries about that ever again," he chortles. Why don't I believe him?
Kent says that Hardy assured him that, had Justin tried to get physical during the Pillow Incident, Hardy would have "subdued" Justin in, like, a minute. Kent appreciates Hardy's having his back.
Big Blue Chair of Marry Me, Hardy. "I don't need to put up with that bullshit, living with a goddamned third-grader. A dangerous third-grader. He's a threat to everyone around him," Hardy tells us, looking disgusted.
Nicole and Sheryl cuddle on the Big Blue Chair of Hot Girl-on-Girl Action, and talk about what a frightening tool Justin is. Sheryl comments that she thinks there's a real possibility that he might "pop someone."
Justin tells the camera that "they" (the producers, I assume), are always telling him that he "can't, like, beat somebody up, or [he] can't, like, sexually force [him]self on somebody." He rolls his eyes like this is the silliest thing he's ever, ever heard.
Mike's practically crying about this. "My alliance!" he screams. "My precious Chill Town!" Well, that's what he's thinking, anyway. Actually, he just sniffs and looks up into the camera piteously. "They ask us to pack up all his stuff, like he's dead!" he sobs. ["They've known each other a week, right? O...kay." -- Wing Chun] Will points out to Mike that Justin did have a habit of destroying show property, like the chess set.
Outside, Kent sniffs that he knows he ought to feel sorry for Justin. "But I don't," he says. "He did it to himself."
In the bathroom, Bunky has locked himself in the toilet area and cries, leaning his head on the toilet paper rolls. In the Big Blue Chair of Get Over It Bunky, he sniffs that he feels like Justin committed suicide, and that he, Bunky, tried to help Justin and he failed! He sniffles. Bunky, get a grip. Justin would have smacked you upside the head in a hot second.
Shannon, Mike, and Will pack Justin's things. They laugh at the fact that his driver's license says, "boat operator only."
On the patio, Monica tells Bunky to get a hold of himself.
The consensus from the Non-Chill Town Crowd is that the house is much safer now that Justin is gone. "People are breathing easier," Hardy, my new boyfriend, says.
Mike's still crying. He says that all he wants is closure. Maybe you ought to compose a rap in Justin's honor, Mike. It might make you feel better.
Julie Chen pops in to remind us that, in addition to all this Justin drama, tonight is eviction night. She hypothesizes that Mike's brilliant plan is beginning to backfire in his face, because things are very, very tense in the house.
Then the producers throw together a whole bunch of footage to illustrate the two factions in the house; the so-called "Chill Town" alliance of Will, Shannon, and Mike, versus the rest of the house.
Shannon tells Autumn, "We're trying to keep all the cool people in here." Autumn nods.
In the kitchen, Sheryl tells Nicole that whichever of them stays in the house, they have to pit Will against Shannon. Nicole nods vehemently.
Monica tells the camera that she didn't think the house would be divided this early. "Some of these people do this in their real lives," she says, "so it's easy for them to be manipulative, divide and conquer. Evil."
Outside, Shannon is still lying to Autumn, telling her that Shannon, will always be "straight up" with her, and assures her that Autumn is not on the chopping block.
Kent tells the camera that Will, Shannon, and Mike "are so phony." Sheryl sits at the patio table and tells the group that she thinks Will is "an obnoxious son of a bitch, a spoiled brat."
The obnoxious son of a bitch says that "Nicole is like garbage on Thursday. She's out!"
Krista tells the camera that "they" are "all backstabbers."
In the Big Blue Chair of the Bride of Satan, Shannon says that Autumn is "a complete nut case." Then she and Autumn have a big fight on the patio, over something I can't understand around all the bleeping. Cigarettes, maybe? Autumn calls Shannon "prissy Princess." Shannon snaps something about giving Autumn a "a bag of chips," because, you know, according to Shannon, Autumn is a big fat will-power-less tub of lard. Shannon storms inside the house. "Snotty bitch," Autumn says.
Julie Chen explains the rules of voting to the viewing audience: Sheryl and Nicole are not allowed to vote; Mike is not allowed to vote unless there is a tie. All votes are cast in secret.
And the voting begins: Shannon votes for Nicole because she thinks she's phony. Will votes for Nicole as well, snapping that he's pissed because Nicole tried to cast him as "the bookworm, the nerd," when, duh, he's the Teen Heartthrob Slash Evil Puppetmaster.
Julie Chen makes idle chit chat with the houseguests about how hard it is to live in the house. Hardy says hello to his brother, Brady (Brady and Hardy?) and says that it's difficult not talking to his family. Mike has his hair all spiky. He looks like an idiot. Julie wryly says that his new hair "becomes him," and hides a smirk. There's more chattering about the difficulty of knowing that they have to vote people out at any moment. Sheryl says something diplomatic about "turbulence" in the house having put them all on edge. Nicole cries and says she's made friends with the people who "got to know [her]," and that those who didn't "feel the way they should feel. Alienated. And it'll come out in the end."
, we get to meet Nicole's and Sheryl's families. This is such filler. Nicole's hubby thinks that his wife is plotting something. "She's gone into battle. She's a fighter," he says. Sheryl's mother thinks that "Sheryl played the game from day one." Okay, so Sheryl's mother must be in her sixties, right? She looks barely older than Sheryl! Nice genes, ladies.
More voting: Hardy votes to evict Sheryl. Monica thinks that Nicole is a threat to Monica's chances of winning, so she votes to evict Nicole.
Puppetmaster music plays as Nicole confronts Mike in the bedroom. He tells her that it's not that he doesn't like her, but...he doesn't like her. She's all, "I know what's going on with Will, and probably with Shannon." Mike rolls his eyes. "We're not in an alliance, if that's what you're saying," he says. The editors snicker and toss in a Night Vision shot of Will, Shannon, and Mike sleeping in one bed and saying that Nicole "has got to go." Nicole tells Mike that he "pillaged" her in front of everyone. He retorts that being ethical and wanting to go home to her husband "doesn't fit in here, and [Nicole] know[s] that." Yes, Mike only wants trampy singles with no ethics in the house. We knew that.
In the HoH room, Mike crows that he's "virtually assured" Nicole's exit from the house.
Sheryl and Nicole talk in the kitchen. Sheryl tells Nicole she's furious with the Chill Town group.
Mike stupidly keeps telling the camera that his relationship with Sheryl just keeps getting better!
Sheryl tells Nicole that she's "ready to kill him," she's "mad as hell," and she wishes to God she had gotten HoH. "They used me, " Sheryl spits. Evil Puppetmaster music wails on the soundtrack, over black and white footage of Mike, Shannon, and Will in the hot tub.
Mike smiles and says that he doesn't see himself being evicted "or even nominated." Ever. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Nicole and Sheryl make a pact that whoever stays in the house will take out Mike.
, Mike has his "Head of Household" interview with Julie, who tells him that their conversation cannot be heard by his fellow housemates. He tells her that he feels like his plan to oust Nicole will still work, but that the vote might be closer than he previously anticipated. He thinks that his tie-breaking vote will be the deciding factor. Julie asks what will happen if Nicole is not evicted. "I'll be a marked man, for sure," Mike admits. And if Sheryl stays, Julie asks, will she try to inflict payback? "Absolutely not," Mike says, because he and Sheryl are really close. Julie Chen stifles a chortle, and asks him whom he'd like to see as the HoH. "Will or Shannon," Mike offers.
More voting: Autumn and Kent both say nice stuff about Sheryl, but vote to evict her.
Finally, Julie Chen comes on the overhead to tell the kids the vote. Sheryl is evicted, 5 votes to 3. Mike looks utterly stunned. Totally gobsmacked. It's hysterical. Sheryl just nods and gets hugs all around. There's much talking and laughing as the group walks Sheryl to the door and waves her out. Krista asks her to tell Justin that she said "hey." Oh, sweet God, Krista, no! No!
After seeing Sheryl to the door, Shannon and Mike just stare at each other, stunned. Everyone else idly mills around the house. Sheryl trots across the lawn to go chat with Julie.
Sheryl and Julie chit chat for, like, an hour, and all we find out is that Sheryl was more or less okay with being the sacrificial lamb, as long as it meant that Will, Shannon, and Mike were screwed over. "What happened in there was very wrong," Sheryl says. "[Her eviction] was a strategy that went against people who were not being kind to others. Everybody wanted to get them. And the way to do that was to evict me." Julie nods, and asks Sheryl about Justin. Sheryl diplomatically says that Justin was "a nice guy" who got caught up with the wrong crowd. I heard this morning, though, that she didn't even know about the knife incident here, so who knows what Sheryl would say when asked about Justin right now?
Then Sheryl's children and mother arrive on the set. There is much squealing and embracing and jumping up and down.
At last, Julie sits down to do her post-expulsion interview with Justin. She has this look of total disgust and revulsion on her face for a moment, and it's possibly the funniest thing I've seen on this show yet. I love her now. "I'm kissing this girl," Justin and his Fang begin, "and, this we have to keep in mind, I'm kissing a girl, and I go, I put the knife right here [points to his own jugular], I don't touch her, I put the knife right here, and I go, would you get mad if I killed you? Jokingly. There's no way you could even blow that, there's no way you could even see that as a threat! I go, would you get mad at me if I killed you? Smiling at her. She's smiling, she goes, 'Go for it.' And then I go over, we're laughing, we kissed again, and I put the knife away. Now, if there's any one that could perceive that as an act of violence, or as a threat, then, you're an idiot. All right? I don't know what show you're watching, and I don't know what kind of glasses you're looking through." ["Whoa." -- Wing Chun] Julie talks slowly, as befits Justin's level of intelligence, and asks whether he can see how someone might possibly take all that the wrong way. "As you're holding a knife to someone's throat. Can you see?" she asks. "I cannot," Justin insists. He continues that if Krista felt threatened, she wouldn't have said, "Go for it," laughed, and kissed him. ["Okay, but the fact that Krista has economy-sized issues doesn't make his action any less threatening! How can he not see that?! He's a sociopath!" -- Wing Chun] Justin insists that he "didn't threaten nothing against anyone" in the house, he just "got in people's heads in the house." Julie looks like she wants to smack him, but instead just brings up the Pillow Incident. "That wasn't a threat -- that was just intimidating someone," Justin says, proving once again that he's a complete and total moron. Julie just sort of rolls her eyes.
Back in the house, Nicole comes into her room, closes the door, and does the "yes!" arm pump. "Yes, sweet revenge! Sweet revenge," she crows. Autumn watches and smiles. They talk about their plans to bring down Chill Town. "I'm gonna fight," Autumn assures Nicole. "I'm going to fight!"
Out in the living room, Shannon and Mike sit around and congratulate themselves for being smart enough to figure out how everyone voted. "I can't even believe these people!" Mike snits. Yeah, how dare they!
Hardy enters the girls' room. "He is screwed. You know what I mean?" he says. Nicole and Autumn grin wildly. Hardy admits that he doesn't care about winning anymore. All he wants to do is bring down Chill Town. He mentions how irritating it is when Will talks about how smart he is, and how well he did in school. "Well, guess what?" he says. "We ain't in school anymore." Go Hardy! Nicole nods. "They're gonna get schooled," she says. We can only hope.