Okay, so FLICKERFLICK is in the lead. Not.
Anyway, it's 9:20 the morning, and I can't believe Brandin is up already. There are beer cans everywhere. Rex and Cory are looking pretty damn comfy all cuddled up in that bed. ["Those aren't pillows!" -- Steve Martin]
We get some shots of HARLOW packing up and leaving their hotel. SOULCRACKERNOT is doing the same, looking all sad. Beastie totally looks like he's gonna cry. Watch it, Beastie. I think you kind of suck, so buck up, toothy.
Finally, all the bands meet up at some random meeting place and start chewing the fat. Josh Dodes is all psyched to give everyone his CD so they can listen to it. A.P. pretends to be all excited to get it, but you can tell he could give a crap. Everyone else starts demo-swapping and getting amped for their travel.
Brendon and Katina, the tour managers, appear as if out of thin air to announce the city and whatnot. Katina, who I find rather fetching, recaps the current scores (FLICKNIP, $1121; BARFLOW, $1062; FLUSH LOADS BAND, $1029; POLETHWACKER, $803). Rex: "Yeah, of course I'm happy. We're winning!" No shit, buttlock (a buttlock is a lock of hair from someone's ass -- not to be confused with the buttclamp, which has more to do with someone just being a tight-ass in general, like Daryl from DODES). Adrian is blown away that SOULCRACKER is losing, as is A.P.: "We're definitely feeling the pressure now. We're dead last." Now that that's established for the thousandth frigging time, we can move on to bigger and better things. Not really. Brendon: "The stop on the tour isCleveland!" Woo-hoos, high-fives, cheering. And they're off.
HARLOW is trying to figure out if they know everyone's names from all the bands. They know everyone in FLICKERPOO, and POSH TOADS BAND. They only know half of SOULCRACKER.
Fletcher mentions that he really likes HARLOW. He thinks Amanda is really "talented." Sure, talented. Dude, not really.
SOULCRACKER listens to DODES's CD. They clearly think it sucks. Beastie says he would listen to it "at home if I were wearing a tweed jacket with the patches on the elbows!" Like, ha ha, you jerk. Beastie, oh my God, I want to smack you. Like you are just the lofty peak to which we should all aspire, oh arbiter of all things musical. Not. All you do is jump around the stage and sing back-up. You're not even the lead man. Sutton is, and he's much cooler than you in so many ways. So just shut up, you dweeb. Judge not lest ye have huge-ass teeth. Beeotch.
Ahem. Anyway, SOULCRACKER do some of their patent dawdling at a truck stop, and try to sell a couple of CD's. Sutton stands up at the salad bar and serenades everyone who's trying to eat. A few of them barf. The manager threatens to call the cops, and Sutton says, "Call 'em. I don't care. Goin' out playing my music would be a stoooone grooooove." Actually, he leaves quietly. A&P: "It's easier to sell your CD when people have heard it than when you're just selling it." Not in your case there, guy. Sorry, but although they are jerks, FLICKERSTICK just has more appeal than you. And their music is a little better. You guys are sloppy players, and you don't live the rock life enough to make it. I think you guys are gonna be the first off the show. I totally think HARLOW and FLICKERSTICK should team up and do shows together, and totally kick everyone else's asses by a long shot. I think it could happen.
Waps. Anyway, all the bands are starting to arrive in Cleveland. Fletcher compares it to a "ghost town." It's true. There's nobody to be seen anywhere. Brandin asks the desk clerk at the hotel for some info about the area and where, specifically, the "college girls" hang out. The desk clerk is surprisingly quite helpful (hmm).
Back to SOULCRACKER, where Beastie mentions that "an old promoting strategy of ours to go hang out at a bar, get to really know the people and hang out and see what they can tell us about the town." Well, that's great, Beastie, but it seems that your "old strategy" has landed you in last place. So maybe you make some adjustments, you think? Twerb. SOULCRACKER meets up with some promoter at his house, so at least they have a gig.
FLICKERSTICK, who is at the "Rhythm Room" and already drinking, receives a page. It's a "Bonus Opportunity: Performance at Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Radio appearance. $150 towards totals." It goes a little sumpin' like dis: "1) Bands receive sketch by Cleveland artist. 2) Bands must find out artist's name. 3) First band to call artist wins." All the bands receive the sketch and flail around asking people who it is. Sutton calls the artist's number, and the promoter guy tells him it's Derek Hess. SOULTINECRACKER wins the Hall of Fame gig. Woohoo. Not. Actually, they aren't so bad. Beastie just bugs me because he thinks he's all that when he's totally not even needed.
All the other bands are pissed that SOULCRACKER won, but at least Rebecca admits that "they needed it more than anybody. I'm happy they won." Yeah, Becks! That was a nice thing to say. ["It was also a totally condescending burn on MOLESNACKER, which cracked me up." -- Sars]
HARLOW goes down to the "Grog Shop" to talk to the owner about their gig. Amanda mentions that she played there before, when she was in a band called FLUFFY. They show parts of a FLUFFY video, which basically looks like a HOLE video. Fluffy, indeed. Nyet. Anyway, Amanda's is happy that she's getting the opportunity to tour again, because she thought FLUFFY was her "last shot." Good for Amanda.
Over to FLICKERSHWIZZ, where everyone is complaining about how dead the town is. Brandin: "Well, it is Tuesday." Cory and Dominic agree that as soon as they wake up tomorrow, they are going to the college campus to promote their show. I'm sure it'll work.
I love Heineken ads. That "Birth of Scratching" one is brilliant.
SOULCRACKER is on the air at WMMS 100.7 FM. Ramsey mentions that the radio crew is "your stereotypical crazy morning crew." He couldn't be more right. I get so annoyed by those "radio personalities." Ugh. Sutton mentions that they are playing at the Blind Lemon on Thursday, and the song they are about to play is about "when I left my first wife the first time." All righty. Sutton starts spewing about all these shenanigans with his ex-wife and some conversation he had with his father about integrity, and how if he had any, he would see the marriage through. He didn't. And he didn't. Whatever. So they play the song acoustic over the air, and it doesn't sound that good. But they're happy because they got a "hefty chunk of air time." This is true.
FLICKERSTICK in the morning. As usual, beer cans are strewn everywhere. All are sleeping. It's 9:00 am. At noon, they rise. Rex: "Of course we're lazy. Isn't that why you join a rock band? So you don't have to go to a nine-to-five job?" All right, Rex. You win this time. "I wanna work, like, an hour. An hour a week." Heh. El Dangeroso has earned himself some minor redemption. Fletcher finds out that SOULCRACKER got an hour of air time this morning. He seems pissed.
Over at the HARLOW camp, we're meeting Kevin, who is HARLOW's Virgin Records contact. He tells them they should try to get an interview at WMMS, where SOULCRACKER had their slot that morning. Rebecca starts making calls. "Flattery gets you everywhere. If you call someone up and say 'I heard you're the number one rock and roll guy in town' they'll say 'yeah, well, I think I can help you out.'" She's right, you know. But it only works when girls do it. Guys just look like kiss-asses when we do that crap. Becky continues to work the phones as we travel to