Okay, so FLICKERFLICK is in the lead. Not.
Anyway, it's 9:20 the morning, and I can't believe Brandin is up already. There are beer cans everywhere. Rex and Cory are looking pretty damn comfy all cuddled up in that bed. ["Those aren't pillows!" -- Steve Martin]
We get some shots of HARLOW packing up and leaving their hotel. SOULCRACKERNOT is doing the same, looking all sad. Beastie totally looks like he's gonna cry. Watch it, Beastie. I think you kind of suck, so buck up, toothy.
Finally, all the bands meet up at some random meeting place and start chewing the fat. Josh Dodes is all psyched to give everyone his CD so they can listen to it. A.P. pretends to be all excited to get it, but you can tell he could give a crap. Everyone else starts demo-swapping and getting amped for their travel.
Brendon and Katina, the tour managers, appear as if out of thin air to announce the city and whatnot. Katina, who I find rather fetching, recaps the current scores (FLICKNIP, $1121; BARFLOW, $1062; FLUSH LOADS BAND, $1029; POLETHWACKER, $803). Rex: "Yeah, of course I'm happy. We're winning!" No shit, buttlock (a buttlock is a lock of hair from someone's ass -- not to be confused with the buttclamp, which has more to do with someone just being a tight-ass in general, like Daryl from DODES). Adrian is blown away that SOULCRACKER is losing, as is A.P.: "We're definitely feeling the pressure now. We're dead last." Now that that's established for the thousandth frigging time, we can move on to bigger and better things. Not really. Brendon: "The stop on the tour is…Cleveland!" Woo-hoos, high-fives, cheering. And they're off.
HARLOW is trying to figure out if they know everyone's names from all the bands. They know everyone in FLICKERPOO, and POSH TOADS BAND. They only know half of SOULCRACKER.
Fletcher mentions that he really likes HARLOW. He thinks Amanda is really "talented." Sure, talented. Dude, not really.
SOULCRACKER listens to DODES's CD. They clearly think it sucks. Beastie says he would listen to it "at home if I were wearing a tweed jacket with the patches on the elbows!" Like, ha ha, you jerk. Beastie, oh my God, I want to smack you. Like you are just the lofty peak to which we should all aspire, oh arbiter of all things musical. Not. All you do is jump around the stage and sing back-up. You're not even the lead man. Sutton is, and he's much cooler than you in so many ways. So just shut up, you dweeb. Judge not lest ye have huge-ass teeth. Beeotch.
Ahem. Anyway, SOULCRACKER do some of their patent dawdling at a truck stop, and try to sell a couple of CD's. Sutton stands up at the salad bar and serenades everyone who's trying to eat. A few of them barf. The manager threatens to call the cops, and Sutton says, "Call 'em. I don't care. Goin' out playing my music would be a stoooone grooooove." Actually, he leaves quietly. A&P: "It's easier to sell your CD when people have heard it than when you're just selling it." Not in your case there, guy. Sorry, but although they are jerks, FLICKERSTICK just has more appeal than you. And their music is a little better. You guys are sloppy players, and you don't live the rock life enough to make it. I think you guys are gonna be the first off the show. I totally think HARLOW and FLICKERSTICK should team up and do shows together, and totally kick everyone else's asses by a long shot. I think it could happen.
Waps. Anyway, all the bands are starting to arrive in Cleveland. Fletcher compares it to a "ghost town." It's true. There's nobody to be seen anywhere. Brandin asks the desk clerk at the hotel for some info about the area and where, specifically, the "college girls" hang out. The desk clerk is surprisingly quite helpful (hmm).
Back to SOULCRACKER, where Beastie mentions that "an old promoting strategy of ours to go hang out at a bar, get to really know the people and hang out and see what they can tell us about the town." Well, that's great, Beastie, but it seems that your "old strategy" has landed you in last place. So maybe you make some adjustments, you think? Twerb. SOULCRACKER meets up with some promoter at his house, so at least they have a gig.
FLICKERSTICK, who is at the "Rhythm Room" and already drinking, receives a page. It's a "Bonus Opportunity: Performance at Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Radio appearance. $150 towards totals." It goes a little sumpin' like dis: "1) Bands receive sketch by Cleveland artist. 2) Bands must find out artist's name. 3) First band to call artist wins." All the bands receive the sketch and flail around asking people who it is. Sutton calls the artist's number, and the promoter guy tells him it's Derek Hess. SOULTINECRACKER wins the Hall of Fame gig. Woohoo. Not. Actually, they aren't so bad. Beastie just bugs me because he thinks he's all that when he's totally not even needed.
All the other bands are pissed that SOULCRACKER won, but at least Rebecca admits that "they needed it more than anybody. I'm happy they won." Yeah, Becks! That was a nice thing to say. ["It was also a totally condescending burn on MOLESNACKER, which cracked me up." -- Sars]
HARLOW goes down to the "Grog Shop" to talk to the owner about their gig. Amanda mentions that she played there before, when she was in a band called FLUFFY. They show parts of a FLUFFY video, which basically looks like a HOLE video. Fluffy, indeed. Nyet. Anyway, Amanda's is happy that she's getting the opportunity to tour again, because she thought FLUFFY was her "last shot." Good for Amanda.
Over to FLICKERSHWIZZ, where everyone is complaining about how dead the town is. Brandin: "Well, it is Tuesday." Cory and Dominic agree that as soon as they wake up tomorrow, they are going to the college campus to promote their show. I'm sure it'll work.
I love Heineken ads. That "Birth of Scratching" one is brilliant.
SOULCRACKER is on the air at WMMS 100.7 FM. Ramsey mentions that the radio crew is "your stereotypical crazy morning crew." He couldn't be more right. I get so annoyed by those "radio personalities." Ugh. Sutton mentions that they are playing at the Blind Lemon on Thursday, and the song they are about to play is about "when I left my first wife the first time." All righty. Sutton starts spewing about all these shenanigans with his ex-wife and some conversation he had with his father about integrity, and how if he had any, he would see the marriage through. He didn't. And he didn't. Whatever. So they play the song acoustic over the air, and it doesn't sound that good. But they're happy because they got a "hefty chunk of air time." This is true.
FLICKERSTICK in the morning. As usual, beer cans are strewn everywhere. All are sleeping. It's 9:00 am. At noon, they rise. Rex: "Of course we're lazy. Isn't that why you join a rock band? So you don't have to go to a nine-to-five job?" All right, Rex. You win this time. "I wanna work, like, an hour. An hour a week." Heh. El Dangeroso has earned himself some minor redemption. Fletcher finds out that SOULCRACKER got an hour of air time this morning. He seems pissed.
Over at the HARLOW camp, we're meeting Kevin, who is HARLOW's Virgin Records contact. He tells them they should try to get an interview at WMMS, where SOULCRACKER had their slot that morning. Rebecca starts making calls. "Flattery gets you everywhere. If you call someone up and say 'I heard you're the number one rock and roll guy in town' they'll say 'yeah, well, I think I can help you out.'" She's right, you know. But it only works when girls do it. Guys just look like kiss-asses when we do that crap. Becky continues to work the phones as we travel to…
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, where SOULCRACKER is checkin' what da dilly, yo. They take a tour, which Bob calls "inspiring." They have the glasses John Lennon was wearing when he got shot. That's pretty cool. They play for about fifteen people for about twenty minutes, but they still seem pretty happy about the whole thing. Bob: "We're telling people to come back to our hotel room. We're gonna celebrate." Watch out, now. Not.
DODES is on the way to a free show they're playing at the Hard Rock Café. There is some misunderstanding about directions, someone honks and Daryl flips them off, and then they get into an accident. Nice. One. Daryl. Way. To. Go. Not. I'll bet you're gonna try to blame someone else for this, too. You suck, Daryl.
Oh, sweet. I'm so glad The Mummy is returning. Except I'm not really glad.
All right. So the producers would really like to draw attention to the DODES crash, because they replay it about forty times. Everyone feels guilty; we get it. I still think Daryl sucks.
HARLOW goes to some college bar with a bunch of Biffs and Miffys milling about. Rayshele bitches a little bit about how "demeaning" it is to sit in a bar, surrounded by chipsters (frat boys) while Britney and Christina are blaring from the DJ booth. "I know I have to stay or I'll get a big lecture." True. I'm totally with her, too, but she has to deal with doing some cheesy shit to win the show. Rebecca jumps into the DJ booth, grabs the mic, and challenges all the girls in the place to arm-wrestle Chimene. Chimene loses.
SOULCRACKER arrives, not knowing that it was going to be an "all-night HARLOW promotion." Sutton: "We decided to try and undercut them." That seems to be one of SOULCRACKER's main tactics. Pretty scummy, if you ask me. Sutton asks the DJ to play one of SOULCRACKER's tunes (even though he's totally in middle of a house set, like, no, I'm not gonna play your shitty band's stupid song when I'm playing house, broomhead), but Rebecca jumps in to undercut Sutton's undercuttin' (try saying that five times fast). Sutton tells the DJ, "I'm gonna let them have this one." Um, Sutton? Time to deflate your ego a little. HARLOW was there first. It's their night, just like it was FLICKERSTICK's back in Chicago when your stupid band pulled the same shit. And you're in last place. You're not "letting" anyone have anything. You're usually cool, man. Don't be a cock. Find your own crowd.
DODES is still all freaked about the accident. They play the Hard Rock, and Josh seems pleased. Everyone looks tired and pissed. "All things considered, I think we pulled it off okay." Okay.
Rex: "Our strategy is to go to a bar, meet girls and give them flyers. That seems to be the only strategy." You know, I used to hate Rex. But his delivery is getting better. Anyway, it's not totally dark out, and FLICKERSTICK is well on their way to being absolutely blotto. I know, shocker. Cory: "We went to the bar. Within two minutes of being in the bar, we have shots lined up." Wow, dude, who would have known they had booze at a bar? Oh, I know. You! You're a raging drunk! So why do you tell these drunken stories like they're something new and exciting? It's all you do. Dominic: "We're pretty much the token alcoholic band. We're a rock band, it's what we do." Come on. I've heard enough "nature of the beast" bullshit. Nobody's born a rock star. Where's your accountability, you hog? "We don't believe in accountability. We're a rock band, it's what we don't believe in." You can't win with these guys. So, cut to a shot of Cory passed out to a pile of his own bizarf. Nasty. It looks like all Cory has eaten is bread and booze. And booze. And maybe some beers. "Six shots and fifteen beers is about my breaking point." I should hope so, Captain Bootloogey. Not. You guys are such raging beasts. Dominic steps over Cory like he's a bum. That is some coldness. But it's pretty damn funny.
SOULCRACKER's "party" looks like a total bust. A.P. starts talking some nonsense about how "it's really important for us to develop this fan base. We're not focusing on getting laid at this point." Well, dude, maybe you should, because you're not building much of a "fan base" by inviting five people to your hotel room instead of going out and promoting your asses. And quit talking about how awesome your strategies are. First of all, they're totally counterintuitive to the whole point of the show (to make money). Second, they don't work. You are losing, remember? Dummy.
Cory pledges a "one-hundred-percent no-throw-up guarantee for the rest of the show." Let's hope so. FLICKERSTICK is back at the ranch, enjoying themselves in drunken splendor. Dominic walks in looking for a smoke, and the married girl he's been boffing comes in behind him butt naked. Dominic, you are the living end. Not. That girl is so feeling this right now. Sucker.
Time for some adverts.
Show day. FLICKERSTICK has made very little in merchandise sales ($40). HARLOW has sold $150, DODES $305, and SOULCRACKER $309. Hmm.
HARLOW is at Mix 106, doing an acoustic set on yet another annoying morning show.
JOSH DODES is getting reamed for their traffic accident yesterday. Brendon tells them that there is an "infraction of the show's rules," so he's docking $250 from their total. The band is pissed, but Josh wants to "take responsibility for it." Way to go, dude. Adrian sees Brandin and Rex and tells them about the accident. They both think it's "rad" and give her high fives.
Rebecca's parents are in town. She's really psyched about having them to see her. Her dad was in a punk band called The Battered Wives. Rock. It would be so cool if my dad were in a punk band. He'd never.
Bands are starting to set up. FLICKERSTICK thinks their club is a pit. It is. Fletcher: "Well, that's rock." Is it, though? Is it?
SOULCRACKER seems optimistic. I'm not so sure they should be.
Rebecca's dad looks like he really wants to get on stage and rock a little somethin'. He's happy for his daughter. Aw. They have a ton of people at the Grog Shop. Their opening act is some crazy accordion-playing guy in a bib. Weird.
There is nobody even near the JOSH DODES BAND. I don't even think the club they're playing in is open. I don't know how they got in. They literally have one person clicked in. Damn, they suck.
SOULCRACKER's show is going all right. I still think Beastie is extraneous and has to go now.
HARLOW's show is going well. Rebecca thinks her dad liked it. He looks pretty pleased.
Brandin introduces the song "Coke" by dedicating it to George W. Heh. Their show looks like it sucks. The power keeps going out, nobody is all that into the music, and there are no FLICKER-sluts to be seen. So they stop playing, because they're all plugged into the same power strip. Heh.
It's official. Rebecca's parents loved the show. It looks like HARLOW rocked the house tonight. They have like a million people in that room. People look really plastered, too. Nice one.
Oh, my God, Sars, you better have taped that Megadeth Behind the Music after this. I never knew Dave Mustaine actually died and came back. That's totally awesome.
We're back at the Blind Lemon, where Beastie, of all people, is sucking face with some chick. Anyway, here come Brendon and Katina with the totals for Cleveland. They read as follows:
Ticket Sales:
FLICKERSTICK -- $400
HARLOW -- $702 (Damn!)
DODES -- $5 (Damn!)
SOULCRACKER -- $342
Merchandise:
FLICKERSTICK -- $110
HARLOW -- $468
DODES -- $395
SOULCRACKER -- $486
Also, SOULCRACKER won the extra $150, while DODES got fined $250. So the totals look like this:
FLICKERSTICK -- $1631
HARLOW -- $2232
DODES -- $1174
SOULCRACKER -- $1781
SOULCRACKER is still mad cocky, only because they don't realize the only reason they're in second is because everyone else's show went terribly, while theirs was at least mediocre.
All the bands give their opinion of Cleveland. HARLOW loves it, obviously. Everyone else hates it, obviously. Beastie and Slutton share a moment where they both agree they can do better than HARLOW. They look like they're gonna kiss.
As we go to credits, we see HARLOW playing "Smashing." Whatever -- they may be in first place but I still think they're a sucky band.
week: DODES gets in more trouble, and FLICKERSTICK plays for a mechanics convention and gets paranoid about Fletcher's relationship with HARLOW. Daryl wants to start a fight, and Cory falls in love. And Beastie continues to blow in every way possible. Until then!