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S15E01

Simon, 26, is a soccer coach from Bradford, England. He has an English accent, but not one so thick that it justifies the use of subtitles when he speaks. God damn this condescending show anyway. He says he wants to teabag her (I'm paraphrasing).

Jesse, 27, is a wine maker from Carmel Valley, Calif. He says he wasn't sure about doing the show. UNTIL HE FOUND OUT THE BACHELORETTE WAS JILLIAN! Tell her lies, tell her sweet little lies, Jesse.

Chris comes out to make some small talk. The topic is how awesome all the guys are so far. Then the limo comes up, and someone gets the First Person to Refer to This as 'Surreal' For Some Reason rose.

Then out comes Julien, the restaurateur, who says he's been impressed with all the good things people have said about her. Wes the musician has to show what a musician he is by wearing jeans. He kisses her hand and says he's really excited. But he sounds like Tardy the Turtle from Greg the Bunny. Kyle the graphic designer comes out. So except for Julien, this is the bohemian limo so far. Then Kyle goes in the wrong door and sounds really annoyed.

Adam, 27, is an Olympic cyclist from Long Beach. He looks kind of like Thom Yorke, if he ate Thom Yorke. He says he knows things can get kind of crazy in there. But apparently he doesn't give a shit, because he demands the "first five minutes" of Jillian's time.

Then there's the lawyer Steve, who jokingly thanks her for going to all this trouble for her. Then Juan comes out, which means we're forced to hear some stereotypical flamenco music. He speaks some Spanish to her, which of course she doesn't understand.

up, Caleb, 27, a photographer from Nashville. He's wearing jeans, too, and doesn't say a whole lot. Josh, 25, a lifeguard from Newport Beach, Calif., tells her she looks beautiful.

Out comes "Billbro," who invites Jillian to "hug it out" because this guy can't be obnoxious for not even one second. He tells her that when he was 17, his sister asked him to marry her and her husband. "I've been married five people since [sic], two of which were Canadians," he tells her. It's nice of him to let her know that he's got experience with the Canadian peoples. Then he asks to "hug it out" again before he goes inside. Mark the pizza entrepreneur guy comes in, who refers to her hotdog theory, and says he has a "pizza theory" and asks her what she likes on her pizza. Pepperoni, green pepper, black olives, mushrooms, ham and sometimes even anchovies. He probably should have thought this through a little bit more, or at least decided to say that that combination means she's perfect. "I think it means I'm perfect!" she says. Mark looks like he wishes he'd thought of that.