"I Was Hung Like a Light Switch"

S15E02

Then the Globetrotters pick the bachelor that seems best suited for Jillian, and they pick David. Looks like they don't think too much of Jillian. Juan's choked about it. "This is bullshit," he says.

Then it's off to the beach to check out the sunset, with the bachelors all in their snazzy new Globetrotters jerseys, which I have to admit is pretty cool. It's not enough for Jillian to be with six of her own guys; she has to sexually harass other dudes on the beach. She compliments some guy's bathing suit: "I can see your best assets," she tells him. Mike says he's been quiet up until now, and he needs to step up a little bit. And since they're sitting on the beach and Jillian is still going on about how great it would be for a guy to wear one of those bathing suits into the water so she could just declare the competition over, Mike puts on a Speedo and goes and jumps into the surf. Jillian starts screaming. "That was friggin' classic!" she yells, and for some reason she tells us that, apparently, seeing Mike's junk in a banana hammock "melted [her] heart." She also tells us that things are going great because she's seeing all the best in the guys. "I have no idea who's getting the rose tonight," she says.

God, isn't this show over yet? Jillian's now at one of her favorite hotels chilling with seven hot guys, she tells us. Simon brings a round of shots, and someone says, "That's my dawg," which really should be grounds for disqualification. David apparently sees Juan pour his shot out and cover his glass with his hand, which is "like the fifth thing" Juan's done like that. While Juan goes off to talk to Jillian, David starts ranting about how disrespectful Juan is. Jesse offers the insight that some of the guys seem to have a problem with Juan. David's of the opinion that Juan (and by the way, no one can corroborate what David's saying) should have just said he didn't want a shot. Yeah, because David would have respected that and not made mincing gestures about Juan liking tea. I mean, not again, anyway.

"Guys like that should get beat up. There's no reason we shouldn't tie him to a tree and beat the shit out of him," David tells the other guys. "Tie him to a tree," repeats Jesse, who can't just tell David that he is a mental case. Probably because David would then want to tie Jesse to a tree. David says something about a "man code," because he watches too much television and reads nothing but Maxim.

So once Juan is done telling Jillian sweet things about the color of her eyes, he brings her back to the group so she can snag Kiptyn, so they can talk about the same boring things that the idiots on this show always talk about: "amazing relationships," "future," "compatible," "connection," "heart broken," etc. Jillian tells us that Kiptyn told her he's usually the heartbreaker, not the heartbreakee, which kind of worries her. More blah blah "get to know me" open up" yadda yadda. Kiptyn wants a rose. Then they kiss. "There's something about Kiptyn that I totally lose myself in," Jillian tells us, while Kiptyn's tongue gets lost in the worsening bacteria frappe that is Jillian's mouth.