Live, now on After the Final Rose, we greet the inevitable. No surprises, no twists, just a slow creep to the contractually obligated finish line. At least we get to learn who the Bachelor is.
Desiree comes out in a beaded white dress (bridal!) and all these Bachelor Nation bitches in the audience clap for her because at least she got a man. What fool would ever choose to be alone? Or take some time for herself? Let's applaud her bravery and her emotional intelligence and her independence! Or let's just applaud because we've been sitting in these seats for three hours now and we've been drinking the Rosé all season long.
Des is wearing her ring, but she still can't walk by a Brooks Brothers without bursting into tears. No, she made it through and found love because she stayed so open, she tells Chris Harrison. He asks her how it happened so quickly and she says she had to go through the hard and difficult to see the good and that's what happened. No explanation on the time frame there, except that they were on a filming schedule. Des charms and fools the audience members, who are enchanted no matter what.
Chris Harrison gets Des to admit that she liked how withholding Brooks was, but Desiree is not willing to call any of her feelings for Chris a rebound. Finally, we discover that Brooks is backstage. We'd better get something out of this.
Des laughs about how she probably should have known Brooks didn't like her enough, ha-ha. Then she claims she isn't nervous to see Brooks again, but laughs nervously when Chris Harrison tells her he doesn't know how things ended or that she's engaged. I hope everyone feels as betrayed as I do by this outcome, or at least Brooks. Before Chris Harrison cuts to commercial, Des appears to be holding back tears. Ha-ha-ha everything's a laugh! Real feelings don't matter!
Before bringing out the man who broke her heart, Chris Harrison asks Des if she knows what she's going to say. Des says she doesn't. She's just so open and casual! Brooks comes out, very openly nervous and cute and still very Mormon. Des folds her hands, covering her engagement ring, maybe subconsciously.
Brooks tells Chris Harrison that watching the breakup back recently was very difficult for him and caused a lot of feelings to resurface. Chris asks about those feelings specifically, and Brooks says seeing the breakup is hard and he remembers how invested he was in that relationship. Des thanks Brooks again for being so honest, like a total pushover, and asks Brooks what happened to his feelings between the hometown dates and Antigua. Brooks tells her that he had an opportunity apart from her to check in with his feelings outside of the process and it just wasn't there. He maintains that he was as honest as he could be throughout the process. I believe him, but also we exhausted this whole conversation last week in Part 1 of the stupid finale.
Everyone laughs uncomfortably, Des turns her body away from Brooks in a subtle display of resentment. Desiree giggles and tells Brooks, "heehee I'm engaged to Chris," and Brooks awkwardly congratulates her and says he saw her love for Chris all along. Move along, everyone.
Ugh, do we really have to hear from Drew now? Who cares about him? Not me, not Des, not his older brother Jake Pavelka. Desiree says she's nervous to see Drew again, but I'm sure Drew will be really nice to her. Maybe he'll try to propose! Who knows. His suit and tie combination is very ugly and of the 1970s.
Drew says that Des dumped him very "unceremoniously," even though there were horses involved! He says he didn't see it coming, then changes his tune to say it was pretty apparent that he was on his way to breakup town. Drew is a cheerful Nice Guy Robot. He's just happy that Des got what she was looking for, I guess! Shucks!
Drew asks Des if he could have done anything differently throughout the process. Obviously not, she is just not into you. You could seem less gay, I guess, and believe me that suit is helping. Des still can't tell Drew when she knew exactly that it wasn't him. She claims she kept every relationship separate, except she also told Brooks she was always thinking of him on the other dates. Chris says, "something tells me you're going to be okay after this," with half of a wink. Maybe Drew will be the awful Bachelor.
Then, Chris Harrison gives us a first look at Betrayal. I wish The Bachelorette had been more like this. Or at least had one murder. Also, is it the exact plot of Unfaithful?
After a lot of Chris Harrison hype, Chris and Des are reunited and Bachelor Nation rejoices over the scraps they have been thrown. God, they are super annoying as a couple. I want to know how Chris feels about what he saw in Part 1. Chris feels nothing but confidence, ever. He maintains that Des reassured him all along. She even managed to put herself in a position where she felt like she wasn't good enough for him, so there you go.
Chris and Desiree watch their proposal and cry and write another damn poem in their heads about it. I will say this for Chris, though, he definitely comes out on top in the style game this evening. The proposal footage ends and they are both very proud of themselves with the smugness that engaged people should have, I suppose.
"And ah, who's going to be the Bachelor, eh?" Chris asks the crowd. They clap excitedly, trained to accept whatever they're given and lap it up. Who's it going to be? Drew in that god-awful suit? SURE, GIVE HIM TO US! Brooks, who can't commit to the process? HE'S TALL AND SEEMS FUN! No, it should definitely be Zak. Zak has all the qualifications and we like him so far (until we hate him when he's the Bachelor).
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Des is moving to Seattle this weekend. She loves bending to a man's will, what can she say. They got their own place, since Chris is in real estate or whatever, and now I can stalk them and leave them flowers from Pike Place Market. Speaking of unexpected gifts, Chris has a new dumb poetry present for Desiree. He dried all the roses from the ceremonies and framed them around a lame poem called "My Girl." How obnoxious is that to frame your own amateur poetry? Ugh, whatever. Just go away and leave me alone and let me know where you live so I can stop by and say hey.
Chris Harrison teases us with the promise of a new Bachelor yet again before a commercial break. Bachelor Nation needs something to live on for the many months, they've been sitting in those chairs for so long.
Chris Harrison says Bachelor fans across the nation have made it very clear who they want it to be, and based on the editing, I'm expecting Zak W. But no, those aren't the overly-tanned, smooth legs of Zak. Those are the legs of Juan Pablo, The Bachelor's international-ish object of everyone's affection. He was barely on Desiree's season, but apparently Bachelor Nation is #obsessed with him. I actually laughed out loud in surprise and unexpected delight when he was revealed as the Bachelor.
Here's what little we know about him: he's good at soccer, he speaks a little English, girls are willing to make T-shirts declaring their love for him. What we learn about him from this clip package is that he needs to work a little on his abs, he's from Venezuela and New York, he has a daughter who was born on Valentine's Day. His baby mama's name is Carla (it's not me, but I totally would!), his daughter's name is Camila. Juan Pablo wasn't even there when James was arguing with Kasey and Michael about the odds of being the Bachelor. I can't wait to see Juan Pablo Bachelor it up. It will be like one of the old seasons, back when the chosen Bachelor was a stranger to us.
Bachelor Nation clasps their hands collectively in excitement. All three hours of sitting and waiting has been worth it. I like that Juan Pablo is 32, a respectable age to be finding love on reality TV. I hope they send him some nice girls, and even more crazy ones. Godspeed, Juan Pablo, until January. Des and Chris, you are already forgotten but heyyyyyy give me a call some time and we'll go to a Tom Douglas restaurant. The credits roll on this season as dozens of women from the audience line up to "congratulate" (squeeze) Juan Pablo.
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