"Part 1" of this finale (a five-hour event in all, we are to believe) was hard to watch. But it was all I wanted to talk about for two days. Usually The Bachelor/ette is an escape, but when Des got dumped by Brooks, I felt like I was right outside a local bar watching an attractive couple break up. It was too close to real life and that is not what I want in my escapism.
The big questions going into tonight are: is Brooks coming back? And, what is it? Is it all a live show? Is there even a need for an After the Final Rose? Everything has been so intentionally vague up to this point, but we'd better see some limo crying and some Neil Lane and some roses and candles and beautiful dresses. Hold on to your wine, ladies. Whatever Part 2 is, it's … airing.
We last left Des crying in her casual, breezy outfit and waterproof makeup, feeling a fool. Thank you, Brooks, for saving us from the typical monotonous first half hour of these finales, with the Bachelorette recapping the great, boring things about her two final guys. It looks like Des got Chris and Drew into suits, so they aren't pulling the plug entirely. I already feel like I'm getting Fleissed a little bit. Chris introduces the show in front of a live studio audience, packed with women and a couple coerced men. He tells us Des was left "virtually hopeless" and her dream is turning into a nightmare.
Chris also tells us Des will sort through all the drama on After the Final Rose and we will meet the Bachelor. It's gotta be Zak. But for now, back to Des crying, now in a flowing peach maxi dress. She tells us to have pictured a marriage with someone and have that within reach, only to have the rug pulled out from underneath her is difficult. It seems, based on this interview, that it would be unfair for Desiree to proceed with these other two goons. Chris Harrison arrives to sort things out.
Des tells Chris she's OK, but Chris corrects her, telling her she's not OK, and Des bursts into tears. She says that honestly, she just wants to go home. Or maybe everyone else could go home and she could hang out in Antigua, I think that might be nice. Or miserable. There is no right answer.
Chris plays amateur therapist, and speeds things along by telling Des that two men are still here. They are "great" and they have told Des they love her. But ah, women will always choose the man who is the most withholding. So Des is non-committal to Chris Harrison about Chris and Drew. Chris tries to convince Des to move forward, and Des tries to convince herself that she's not devastated. Chris decides for Des that she wants to continue on and fetches the guys for a rose ceremony.
But will just anyone be ok to have? For the eight weeks or so? Des repeats that she doesn't have a clue. Come on, girl, pull the plug. You don't need no man.
It doesn't seem like they gave Des much time to decide, but maybe that's editing? We don't have much time to decide what we want. Des says that if she can't see a future with either guy, for her it's over. Of course. But this is all in her dumped outfit, so who knows where her head is at now that she's shifted to peach. Des glides out to greet Chris the Poet and Drew the Best Friend. They both clench their jaws as Des tries to hold it together telling them about Brooks's sudden departure. She tells the guys that she will continue to take each relationship individually and she won't let getting dumped break her spirit. BOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Des starts crying telling the guys that they have the choice to accept their roses. This is some bullshit. I want zero roses to be handed out. But I also want to see Neil Lane, so I'm torn. Des gives a rose to Drew, then to Chris and duh, they both accept it. I don't even care who "wins" anymore, but Chris looks handsome in his suit and Drew looks pretty homosexual all the time, so I guess I pick Chris. But really I pick no one. I choose a twist! Chris Harrison asks, can Des really love someone else the way she loved Brooks? Is it too late for a little excitement?
Whoa, who is this old dude in the live audience? I love that he's there. I hate that Chris Harrison is interviewing audience members "on behalf of Bachelor Nation." She doesn't think Brooks ruined Des's chances at love in the future, but she's hoping that Brooks will come back. The whole audience applauds for this, and then a girl in a picnic blanket skirt says she's on Team Chris and Chris Harrison makes fun of Des and Brooks's grammar. There are about three people in the audience on "Team Drew." I'm on Team Let's Get This Over With and Stop Interviewing Nobodies. Oh, and for the record, no one in this live slice of Bachelor Nation thinks Des will end up alone. That is a fate worse than death.
Des wakes up the morning, faking renewal and a readiness to move on and continue with Drew and/or Chris. She optimistically dons a fresh half-shirt and hops on a horse to meet Drew for a final date. Des does not seem very enthusiastic, and would anyone be? I am disappointed and furious and bored all at the same time. They're riding these damn horses having the lamest conversation any two people without personalities could have.
Des says something just isn't feeling right, and she's just not feeling the way she thought she should be. Even on a horse, these feelings just aren't happening. She does seem distracted, and after toasting to "being madly in love," she decides it's time to let Drew go. It's time to get revenge.
To start off, those three people in the live audience were wrong. She is for sure not picking Drew. Holding back tears, then failing, Des tells Drew that she would be so lucky to have him in her life but she doesn't see a future together for them. Another diamond tossed into the ocean.
Drew is stunned. He tells Desiree that he did not see this happening. Des tells Drew, practically quoting Brooks, that she just knows. Drew thanks her for being honest, and the producers have his breezy crop top waiting so he can go have a good cry on the dock. Des does that thing that girls do when they dump guys, telling Drew he deserves to be loved more and he's so great, and she keeps prolonging the conversation. Drew, stone-faced, tells Des it hurts a lot but he wants someone to love him as much as he loves her and goodbye, he guesses. Drew walks off, the horses having sensed he awkwardness and galloped into the sea.
Drew makes a final sympathetic campaign for Bachelor and wanders off into the jungle. .
Back to the studio audience, everyone is making that face girls make when that Sarah McLachlan dog commercial comes on. My friend texts me that they have "uncomfortable chairs, ugly outfits, stupid opinions." Chris is dangling this whole "Brooks comes back" carrot in front of us now.
In yet another pointless outfit, Des waits at the end of a trail for Chris to see how she feels about him now. Des takes Chris on the catamaran date she and Brooks never went on. She tells us she feels differently, better, about Chris than she did about Drew. I like that Chris is thinking about the way Des might be feeling, rather than going on about how ready he is to propose. He tells Des that he hopes she's doing okay and it was hard to see her cry. At least he's cheering her up a bit. Des seems to be working overtime to justify choosing him because please, God, don't let me be alone.
Des and Chris have a damn boring time on the catamaran. In an interview, Des lists Chris's positive qualities and yeah, why not choose the one guy left? She's rebounding hard but that is not a bad thing on this show. She's trusting her heart, of all things, right now.
"Today went so amazing and for it to change so drastically is hard to accept but sometimes life is hard to accept and I'm really happy it went well and I made the right decision to continue on and not give up on love," Des says stupidly that evening. Chris probably wrote her another awful poem. He delivers a speech about how he loves her and he's there for her and he can't wait to see what the future brings. I hope the future brings Brooks coming back all unsure and gumming up the works.
And how is Chris going to feel when he sees last week's episode and all the things Des told Brooks? Ah, forget it, we're not supposed to think about life outside of the show. Chris and Des talk about how they never move backward and can always pick up where they left off. They have such a casual time with each other, why not get engaged? Chris asks to meet Des's family (including her brother, I hope!) and Des obliges because she sees "a lifetime possibility."
Chris, that fucking chode, got Des a journal just like Zak did. Is it the same one? Why are journals all of a sudden better than jewelry? That is just not true. Oh god, and he put all his stupid poems in the back, so she can't return it. This is stupid. I do not accept that this is how shit's going down.
Des basks in how lucky she feels to be the one receiving Chris's love. She breaks down and says she has never felt like anyone loved her as much as she loved them and maybe that's why she was struggling before to feel so loved without any withholding. Now she feels guilty, as she should, for not loving him from the beginning. They're cute together, whatever. Bring out Neil Lane already.
Bachelor Nation applauds fervently for one less lonely girl. Live the dream for us, Des! To kill time before this inevitable engagement, Chris Harrison trots out "Des's friends" Jackie, Leslie, and Lindsay from last season, plus Sean and Catherine. This couldn't wait for ATFR? Sean and Catherine are still in love; good for them. Sean says that if Catherine had bowed out in the final three he would have packed his bags and gone home, which is very easy for him to say now that ABC doesn't own every last one of his choices. Is that a disparaging comment toward Des and Chris? Catherine says that if she were Chris and found out how Des felt about Brooks, it would be difficult to continue. Those smug assholes.
Jackie says she was convinced Brooks was the final pick, but hey, maybe Des had a change of heart … Jackie isn't holding any punches. They all think that Chris seems nice enough so if that's what Des wants to settle for, good for her. I like that Chris Harrison asked Leslie if she thought maybe Des was rebounding. It's all a big waste of time. For me, ideally, no one would be happy and everyone would be as miserable and lonely as me.
Des wears a coral dress for her family date, Chris wears sweatpants. Seriously, those are sweatpants. Chris is nervous to meet Des's brother, and her parents I guess. I hope her brother spoils that Chris is the only one left. Chris answers all the questions with grace and charms Des's secretly-poor family. At least Des's brother gets his moment in the sun. Maybe he could get a blog out of this. No one asks Chris why he's wearing sweatpants to meet them.
Chris tells Des's father that he wants to propose and he's feeling very confident. He asks for permission to ask Des to marry him and Des's dad is like "yeah, OK." After Chris leaves, Des sits down with her brother and half-assedly tells him that she is ready to commit to Chris. He's not buying it, but he likes Chris so WTFE!
Oh, but not WTFE. Her brother (Nate?) asks Des how she feels about Brooks leaving and if she's OK. Two days later, she says that yes she is OK. But I'm proud of her brother for casting a shadow of doubt on her heart. This whole thing is just stupid, frankly.
Chris Harrison is seated in a very important chair and introduces the final day in Antigua (that I thought was pronounced an-TI-gwa). Finally, we get to see Neil Lane, the king of blood diamonds. No sign of Brooks yet. Chris chooses a big old rock, surrounded by other giant rocks. Des floats out to the viewpoint where she will settle for a pretty great guy. This whole thing is a damn charade.
Des says that Chris needs to know how she felt about Brooks, so she needs to tell him, like right before he proposes. I don't think it will affect things for Chris in the slightest. They meet and wait for each other to talk. Neither is a poet in this moment. Des just stands there while Chris makes his proposal speech. Just before Chris kneels down, Des stops him to explain what has been going on for her the last week.
She starts by saying she dumped Drew earlier, which makes Chris smile. Then she just straight up lies saying she was always torn between Brooks and Chris. She says she was so blindsided by her feelings for Brooks that she couldn't see that the one thing she always needed was right in front of her. Hey, he'll take it! He proposes, she says yes ("a thousand times yes"), and seriously, just fuck this show. Two beautiful people getting engaged has never made me so angry before.
They're so boring and lame, this Chris and Des montage reveals, they really belong together. Des gives Chris the final rose and they're like, "yay we're going to be together forever! Once we get over some pretty serious Brooks-related issues!" Best of luck to them. They're attractive, I'm sure they'll be fine.