So for some reason this episode is "Part 1" of the season finale, when it's really just the second-last episode, right? How dumb do the producers think we are? I realize it's difficult to provide a counter to "you're an idiot" when you are in fact watching The Bachelorette, but it can be done. Oh, it's also the "television event of the summer," according to Chris Harrison's typically hyperbolic intro.
We are in Antigua now, with Desiree riding the prow of a sailboat and looking reflective and reminiscing about what it was like to have twenty-five men show up just for her (which isn't exactly what happened) and how she had no expectations (which is not what she said at the time).
Anyway, hold on. Antigua can wait. First we have to watch an endless stream of clips of Desiree dumping guys and whining about how much it broke her heart. "But despite all the drama and farewells, I am so lucky to be at this point," she says, then puts in a plug for the resort where she's staying. "I feel so great about the three guys I have left," she says, making me hope that at the last moment she ditched the three zeros she has left for an all-new crop of men, and if any of them are poets, they're actually poets.
Nope, it's the same three surviving assholes from last week. Hey, who wants to watch even MORE clips of scenes we've seen over and over again? Look, no one has their hand up. Well, tough shit! First, Chris, then Drew, then Brooks — Brooks of course being the only one she actually loves, and the only one of the three who hasn't told her he loves her. Sadly, she's convinced herself that he doesn't have to, because it's "unspoken." Sometimes, Desiree, when someone doesn't say he loves you, it's because he doesn't love you. Well, you'll learn that soon enough.
So about fifteen minutes in we finally get some new content, which is Drew and Desiree skipping towards each other and embracing, and it takes Desiree ten seconds to say, "I know, right?" over some inane observation of Drew's. Apparently the overnight dates are going ahead. I was confused by the fact that they're billing this as a two-part season finale, and so I thought maybe they weren't doing that.
They're going to go bombing around in a jeep, while Desiree tries to pretend she's into Drew, and even then the only way she can do it is by getting all hot and bothered about how good-looking he is.
They stop at a festival, which I believe is the traditional Festival of Pretending We Do This All the Time Even Though It's Obviously Entirely for the Benefit of the Cameras, and That's Why There Are Only About Twelve People Attending Our Festival. They limbo, they kiss, and Desiree is "loving life" right now, and every time she speaks I'm reminded that Desiree would be your most annoying Facebook friend ever.
They have a picnic, carving up pineapple and talking about how great Drew's family is, with Desiree telling Drew that his dad attributed what a great couple they are to Drew's sister being an "angel," and it's going to seem awfully cruel of Desiree to have pointed that out when she ditches Drew eventually. Drew is so turned on by this that they start making out. Drew is now calling Desiree his soulmate, and he's just waiting for the opportunity to propose to her.
And now it's night and raining and they are still making out, and Desiree says, "You can feel the love from those lips." The rain has washed out the fire and the romantic dinner, but Desiree says it's not about the dinner but about the conversation, and if I had ever once heard an interesting conversation on this show, I might believe her.
So they head indoors to the fantasy suite, where Desiree gives Drew Chris Harrison's Pimp Card, and he is all "Hell yeah!" and Drew is excited to wake up the morning with Desiree to him, which is the most obvious "You're damn right we're going to sleep together" statement we've seen on this show in a while. And now Desiree is talking about how her ex-boyfriend was a terrible communicator, because it's always fun to start talking about your relationships as soon as you've decided to spend the night together, and hopefully Drew can communicate the fact that her yapping is totally killing his boner. "I fall more and more in love with you every day," he says, and now they are making out again. Drew says it's crazy that they only just met nine weeks ago. It would be crazy only if we thought a successful marriage would result from this.
Then they go into the bedroom, and the bed is covered with rose petals, and Desiree is talking about how she feels like a princess in his eyes, and the fact that he wants to propose to her right now shows what kind of a guy he is. It sure does, but it's not something good.
Then they make out and dramatically kick the camera crew out, and listen to them slurping on each other's faces as the lights go out inside.
up: Brooks, who says he's a little nervous at the prospect of an overnight date, mainly because he's worried about he can't seem to understand why he can't tell Desiree yet that he loves her. Because you don't?
He goes to Boise, because why should we watch clips of Antigua when we can be looking at IDAHO instead. He did this the day before he left for Antigua, because he wanted to talk to his mom and sister about what a hard time he's been having. "The idea of me proposing to her at the end of all this, makes me really uncomfortable," he says. His sister points out the obviousness that if he can't tell her he loves her, he's kinda answering his own question (but I'm too busy laughing at him calling it an "exotic date" instead of an "overnight date" in front of his mother). And then several minutes follow in which they talk about how Desiree is awesome. And then he wants to know how he approaches this week. Um, tell Desiree how you feel? You spineless asshole?
In the meantime, we're going to see Chris's date with Desiree, who, we presume, has pulled all the rose petals out of her vagina by now. "I'm truly, madly, deeply in love with Des," Chris tells us, mistaking us for people who have anything invested in this. Then they go on a helicopter ride, with Chris saying they're "literally on top of the world" and they get dropped off on the beach of the island of Barbuda for a picnic, where she wants to know how awesome his family thought she was. Answer: Very awesome! Desiree says everything comes very easy with Chris, like talking, baseball… And now they're making out on a beach while Desiree tells us how hot Chris is, and she loves that he's a romantic and isn't afraid to show love. "Chris would make a perfect husband," she tells us. Chris says Desiree makes him feel vibrant, happy and alive, and he's not the kind to hold his feelings inside. Trust us, we're aware.
Then they go for dinner, where Desiree wants to talk about the future, and he starts talking about a job with a lot of opportunity for him in Seattle, and it would be nice to share that with her. He asks how she would feel about moving to Seattle. "I feel like right now California has been my home because there hasn't been anywhere else I feel like home," she says, which doesn't mean anything. Good news, Chris! She says that when she's in love, she will sacrifice. The bad news, Chris, is that she's not in love with you. She does say she'd be willing to move to Seattle. If she asked if he'd be OK with moving to California, we don't see it.
Then they make out for a while, and now Desiree is speaking the most inane stuff about how Chris always gives everything his all. Speaking of giving his all, there's the Pimp Card. She asks him what he thinks, and he's careful to say it would be a good opportunity to spend more time and look at the stars, and Desiree says, "That's exactly what I want it for." This fantasy suite is in their own little cabana, but before they settle in, Chris kills any lingering chance of getting laid by bringing out another poem. In a real departure for him, it doesn't follow any kind of rhyme scheme (it's typically arrhythmic, though), but is pretty much just free verse, and then they make out, and then they get in the pool where he says he's excited to say he loves her, and she says she's excited to hear it, while some person who possibly was a special musical guest on this program and therefore should never be allowed to record music again sings about how it's "you and I against the world."
So now that Desiree has had her oil changed by Drew and possibly Chris, she's ready for Brooks to get here. So she pays some lip service about how she's "falling in love" with the other guys. She sees her future with Brooks, though. She plans to "take advantage" of her time with Brooks, and says she's going to make the most of it.
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is showing up at Brooks' room, while Brooks tells us that he's not really feeling it. He sits down with Harrison and explains that as amazing as this journey has been, it's also been difficult. And he admits that after Desiree met his family, he started wondering if he's really ready to say this is the love of his life, not to mention propose to her. "It's a big deal. It's a decision that's very important, and I don't want to jump into something without knowing if all the aspects are there," he says.
Harrison asks if he's not sure about Desiree, or if he's saying he's definitely not in love with Desiree. Brooks has to think about that, and the fact he says "I don't know," is the answer, obviously. Harrison says it sounds like he's a hundred per cent sure Desiree isn't the one. Brooks hems and haws about it and eventually says he's come to the conclusion that he doesn't think Desiree is the love of his life, and that won't change with more time.
God, Brooks is such a spineless toad here. Despite what he just said, he then says he has "crazy love" for her. Harrison asks if this has anything to do with his parents getting divorced. Brooks instead mentions his own unsuccessful pass at getting married. "What I'm hearing from you is that you do wish it was here, you wish it was Des, but it's not," says Harrison. Brooks says it's been heavy in his thoughts all week, mainly because he appears to be worried about feeling bad about making Desiree cry. It's not something he wants to put Desiree through. But there's no agony greater than the one he's putting the viewers through right now.
Harrison tells Brooks that "as a man" he's got to have this conversation with Desiree, and he advises Brooks to be open and honest, and let her see how conflicted he has been. He wishes Brooks good luck and leaves, and then we've got to watch 10 minutes of his hangdog expression, and then he says this is going to be one of the hardest days of his life. We all feel terrible for you, champ.
Cue the interview with Desiree talking about how excited she is to see Brooks, and how they're going to take a catamaran to an island, and how this day is going to be stress-free and Brooks has always been a frontrunner. "I'm in love with Brooks and I miss him every day when I'm not with him," she says, adding she would definitely say yes if he proposed.
She waits for him on the beach, and smiles broadly when she sees him, and she can tell right off that something's wrong. Mainly because he's all frowny-faced. He pulls her aside to talk to her about how he feels, and they sit on a bench. But she has to drag it out of him. He's all over the place about how awesome it would be to find the love of his life here, and how their amazing first date was awesome. Essentially. Desiree's fighting back tears but still smiling — I guess she knows what's coming but doesn't want to jump the gun. He rambles on in the longest "it's not you because you're amazing, it's me" speech ever, and admits that when they're apart he does "lose feelings" for her.
She asks how he really feels. His answer: "Um… I really want to be madly in love with you…" And that's about all it really takes for Desiree to really start crying. She says she wants the simple things… and then she can't say much more, and Brooks hugs her, and she sniffles and cries. Eventually they break. "Why now?" she asks. Probably the best question. "Because I didn't know before this," he says. Translation: Now that it's not just fun and I'm going to be expected to propose soon, suddenly my feelings are gone. She wraps her arms around her legs and cries into her knees while Brooks sits there wondering just how soon he can leave without seeming like a total cock. Desiree says she loves him, and he's the only one she could say this about. He says she should have told him that earlier. She should have? Oh, it's her fault? The two of them sit, miserable, on a bench as we go to commercial. I'm really enjoying this episode!
They are in the same position when we come back from commercial. Jack Bauer would have crossed all of Los Angeles in that time! Desiree, just tell him to fuck off home and be done with it.
"What's sad is for once in my life I was hopeful. I mean, I've never felt completely loved," she says. Then she tells him she doesn't care that he just broke her heart: "I love you." "I'm sorry," he says. Well, that's not the desired response. Eventually: "I guess you're going home, then?" she says. There's his cue to leave. Instead he sits there and says he wanted to tell her he loves her. She's rapidly moving into the anger/resignation stage, and he needs to get himself clear before that hap — oh, wait, she's crying again and letting him hug her. He tells us that he didn't want to leave her, that he didn't want her to cry anymore.
Then they go for a walk, with Desiree saying she wanted him to meet her family. And she torpedoes the other relationships by saying that she was only conflicted because she didn't want to share her heart with anyone else, but only wanted to give it to him. And now he is saying "Should I go?" like WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, BROOKS, and Desiree, drying her eyes and glaring at him, is all, "Well, what else would you do?" and he hugs her again and says, "I loved you," and she tells him to stop saying it. She wants him to go so she can sit by herself, and he hugs her (her interest in hugging back pretty much gone) and then she walks a long walk down a pier and cries into the water. Brooks stands around forcing himself to cry and look distraught about the whole thing. "[Fucking] worst day of my life," he says. Poor you! "There's nothing I can say that would make it better," he says, forgetting that "goodbye" would be a pretty good place to start.
And now he is FINALLY leaving, riding off in the limo. He really hopes she finds exactly what it is she's looking for, which is nice of him.
Desiree tells us that having Brooks gone throws everything off, even though she's got two amazing guys left. "I just can't love them as much," says Desiree, acknowledging that they deserve better. And yet: "Honestly, for me, it's over."
Fade to black with like TWELVE minutes to the top of the hour. It's like Christmas came early! And then week when Brooks dramatically returns to sweep Desiree off her feet, it will be like if you opened your gifts and found out Santa just vomited in a box and put a bow on it.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He apologizes in advance to whomever has to cover the finale while he attends his high school reunion. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.