Welcome to The Bachelorette: The Men Continue to Make Asses of Themselves on National Television! Chris Harrison welcomes us to the show with his usual bunch of lies about how America is gripped by the trials and tribulations of whoever the current Bachelorette is.
Oh, good, we're doing that sad thing that started with Sean where they're going to visit people holding Bachelorette-watching parties, where people pretend to surprise that Harrison and Desiree show up, despite the fact there's a camera crew already in the room to film the entrance. Desiree is entranced with watching herself on television, possibly because she's wondering how she can be inside the magic box if she's also currently outside the magic box.
She appears to have convinced herself that everyone watches this bullshit non-ironically, instead of hate-watching, or maybe watching to see some abs and expensive dates and to play Marry, Kill, Fuck regarding the competing bachelors (or, more accurately for most seasons, play Kill, Kill, Kill). "It's great to know they're so comfortable with me and they feel like they already know me," says Desiree, which is not something that any celebrity truly feels, but then again everyone will have forgotten about her in a few months. And now Desiree is accosting random strangers in New York City, and then "the Mesnicks" — Jason and Molly — show up with a baby for another grab at fame, and here's Trista to give a hilariously tepid endorsement of Desiree as being "as deserving as anyone else of happiness."
After everyone's done feeling sad about the future of humanity based on what we see during these viewing parties, Harrison then warns us that The Bachelor returns in January, which is going to play hell with my planned resolution to forget that the show actually exists.
And now here's a segment where Desiree sits down with "three of the most popular Bachelorettes ever, and that turns out to be Emily, Ali and Ashley who are definitely among the Top Nine most popular Bachelorettes in history. I was able to remember Emily's name, but the other two I had to wait until chyrons revealed what their names were, and I don't think that even happened with Ashley as she barely had anything to say, so I had to look her up on Wikipedia. At any rate, it's just a stupid excuse to fill time by showing flashbacks of the "bad boys" who Desiree is going to confront on tonight's show. Emily and Ali babble on about sticking up for yourself and then there's a toast with someone saying, "Here's to putting guys in their place," because of the way we like to pretend The Bachelorette totally turns the tables on sexism and puts the woman in charge.
Anyway, eventually, the men are brought out on stage and I am legitimately shocked by just how many of them I've forgotten already. There is mostly cheering, with boos reserved for Ben and James, and — to my ears — the loudest screams for Juan Pablo.
Harrison asks Zak W if he "expected it to be all that it was," whatever that's supposed to mean. Zak says he'd sign up to do it again, which doesn't answer the question. But it's not like it was much of a question. Harrison tries again by asking Juan Pablo if he expected all the drama, and Juan Pablo says a whole lot of nothing and then Michael says he was surprised how much everyone got along, for the most part, which honestly sounds like a veiled shot at his purported enemy (but secret man-crush) Ben.
We watch a montage from the opening night, which reminds us of drunk Jonathan attempting to sexually assault Desiree, and then there was the time Brian's girlfriend showed up and seemed unconvincing as herself, yelling at him about whether he cares about "Donovan, my son," because of course she would need to remind her boyfriend who her son is. And there's a revisiting of the Ben and James controversies, where the other men act like "not being best buds with me" and "making plans outside the artificial reality of The Bachelorette" are war crimes.
At least we get to see James' fairly stellar multiple "Fuck you!"-laden exit. Harrison asks Jonathan about his creepy behavior, and he apologizes (his joke that he was shocked he didn't get booed doesn't get the laughs Michael does when he says it's because no one remembered him, which is true). Then Kasey sucks up by pointing out the whole incident gave them confidence that Desiree would make the right decisions. Everyone applauds like he didn't say one of the most patronizing, condescending statements ever on this show — that anyone outside of Desiree gets to decide whether her decisions are "right."
And now they're talking about Brian cheating on his girlfriend to be on the show, and Brandon says, "You don't do that. You don't hurt a woman like that," and I would like to ask Brandon how you do hurt a woman, or maybe he meant you don't hurt a woman like Desiree, but the audience is too busy applauding his brave anti-cheating stance.
After a commercial break, Harrison talks about the touching moment on the first night when Ben's son came out of the limousine, but everything when downhill from there. I don't know about that, since this show is always baseline shit and really can't descend from there, but I take his point. There's a montage of the Ben highlights — oh, god, that weird strappy tanktop, I'd managed to block that out. Anyway, Ben's in the hot seat now, and the sad, sad people in the audience boo Ben at the conclusion of his montage, and he has to explain for idiots that his rant in the limousine was the result of being battered for hours and then dumped.
"I pursued Des with all of my heart," he says, adding that he didn't let the other guys out of the way. Harrison asks how there can be such a difference between how much Desiree liked him and how much the other guys hated him, and Ben says in not quite the same words that it's because he really doesn't give a shit about the other guys. Mikey jumps in and earns applause for his ridiculous statement that you should treat your girlfriend (well, everyone says "girl" nonstop on this show) the same as you treat your buddies. "I think your idea of The Bachelorette is Ben and Desiree date for six weeks and then get married," says Mikey, who is such a moron that he doesn't seem to understand that he just explained THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF THE SHOW. Ben, more politely: "What's wrong with that?" and Mikey says, "There's other guys here," without explaining why Ben is supposed to take the others' feelings into consideration.
There is the usual "you're different on camera versus off" and Ben, thankfully, sticks to his guns that he wasn't there for a relationship with him, and gets angry when his parenting skills are questioned again, especially by Dan, who claims that Ben's wife "tracked him down" in Vegas to tell him that Ben's son was born when Ben cheated with her on his then-girlfriend.
There's also the idea that Juan Pablo is a good father because he brought up his own kid in every conversation (the audience applauds, especially the women in the I Heart Juan Pablo t-shirts), as though Ben wasn't also criticized for exploiting his son when he did talk about him. "Not one of these guys know about my abilities as a father," says Ben, who also allows that he learned how to improve himself because of good things and bad things he learned about himself, which at least means he isn't booed when he's done in the hot seat.
Now it's James' turn in the hot seat. We watch the whole sorry mess — there's Kasey being the house moral authority again, which isn't to say James doesn't come off as a massive phony when he explains himself to Desiree. Harrison asks James what he said to Mikey in that fateful conversation. James said Mikey was frustrated over not getting arose on the group date, and touting James' chances since he'd been doing well, and then said, "Worse comes to worst, you'll be the Bachelor," and James said he thought that it'd be great. As for talking about all the tail they'd pull, that was just having a conversation like "real men" have sometimes. I always enjoy it when this image-rehabilitating exercise winds up making someone even less likeable. James claims that the relationship he was building with Desiree was beautiful, and a few guys owe him an apology for ruining his chances with Desiree.
Harrison asks "key player" Mikey about what happened, and Mikey says if things don't work out for them, they'll hang in Chicago. "We were venting to each other like friends do," he says, adding that he doesn't remember who brought up going on The Bachelor but says he was just talk and not some grand plan, but you do plan for things not working out.
Kasey can't keep quiet and asks Mikey a ridiculous question about whether he'd tell his wife on their wedding day about what he plans to do if things don't work out, and he gets applause from the idiots of the crowd (which seem to be the majority). Kasey continues to insist that James and Mikey were making big plans about all the women they were going to meet. I find Kasey's version immensely plausible. Which isn't the same as giving a shit or thinking there was anything wrong in any version of this conversation between two mental midgets, trust me.
Mikey blows up at Kasey but sadly no punches are thrown. Kasey is crucifying James for telling Desiree he was falling for her and then having this conversation with Mikey on the other hand. And then Kasey says something about James talking about someone [bleeping] off camera that makes James laugh and the audience gasp and literally cover their faces and I would love to know what was said. Harrison asks James about his intentions, whether he was there for Desiree or not. He says he came on the show all-in to fall in love. Everyone's Darling Juan Pablo says he likes James but would not want his sister or daughter to date him, and Juan Pablo wags his finger at him.
Harrison asks James if he would be the Bachelor, and of course James has to be careful and not immediately say yes. Harrison asks the audience if they'd trust James as the Bachelor, and the response is a chorus of nos but I'm not sure you can trust the judgment of people who (ostensibly) willingly come to be in the audience for The Men Tell All. "I'm going to take that as a 'no' except for that one guy who said yes," says Harrison. Hee.
up is "the fan favorite we barely got to know," which is about Juan Pablo maximizing his fan appeal with a minimal amount of screen time. Well, at least we get to see again Desiree's utterly baffling inability to say his name properly. Many shots of the audience melting over the Juan Pablo montage ,which I only half-jokingly think is longer than the total amount of screen time he received this season.
Harrison asks him why he came on the show. Juan Pablo was looking for a "good girl" who likes his daughter more than him. Harrison says there has to be more to him than that. Has there? I'm not sure about that. We spend a good amount of time on his daughter picking up Desiree's terrible pronunciation of his name. He wants to settle down and have "two more" kids as well as breakfast with a woman, it sounds like.
Zak's turn in the hot seat! "What went wrong" with their relationship? Well, classic story: the woman liked her three other boyfriends more than she liked Zak. He at least acknowledges that he came off as a bit of a buffoon at first, which is why he gave her a journal with a message written in invisible ink. Because, you know, SO DEEP. Zak makes his hangdog face in the studio as the montage comes to its allegedly heartbreaking close. "I think, knowing me, I always come on a littler strong. I'm bold. I take some risks," he said. It sounds a little like he's going for the ol' "she couldn't deal with how real I was" justification, but says he's 31 and his friends are getting married and he's starting to be a little concerned about it.
Harrison's got the journal there, where he wrote a poem in invisible ink. He doesn't know if Desiree has even read it, so Harrison, using a special light does that. Actually, it turns out to be less of a "poem" and more "wandering banal thoughts on what love is." It starts with "Love is it. The only reason to open your home to a stranger," and yet somehow manages to get even worse than that. I do think that when he signed it, he appended the W. of his last name. Because nothing says "fairy-tale romance" like having to add your initial so the love of your life KNOWS WHICH ZAK/ZACH SHE IS DATING GAVE HER THE HEARTFELT GIFT. Harrison asks if he's still in love with Desiree, and Zak says he is, and it won't go away, which is great news for anyone who dates Zak in the future.
After a break, Desiree comes out, getting the requisite standing ovation from a bunch of dudes she dumped who could probably stand to have a little more backbone than that, especially as the discussion opens with how hard it is for Desiree to break up with people.
Harrison asks about Jonathan: "A disgrace to all men," she says, and Jonathan says he's sorry: Sorry for making her uncomfortable, for acting like an idiot, and starting her journey off on the wrong foot. It sounds genuine, and she seems to sincerely accept it.
What about Ben? She now seems to say things increasingly started feeling insincere with Ben, an opinion I don't believe we saw her express at the time, but is a little revisionist based on his comments in the limousine. Well, good job dumping him based on the things you somehow knew he was going to say in bitterness in the limousine after you dumped him! Ben says, again, that it was a reaction to being attacked for Michael for eight hours, and Desiree amusingly says that Michael's honest.
She's also down on James. "You don't think about your second wife when you're still on your first," she says. That's true. But I do think you're allowed to think about a new girlfriend when your current one is dating a dozen other guys. "You're in a relationship," she says, accusingly. He shoots back: "You're in a relationship with twenty-five guys." He's not wrong! He's an asshole, but he's not wrong. She doesn't even have much of a response to that, and lamely says that he went up and down with his story, and he, clearly looking to just end this annoying conversation, apologizes and says he wishes the best for her.
Then she tries her hand again at saying Juan Pablo's name, and he eventually gives up on coaxing an accurate one out of her. He asks why he never got a one-on-one date and she winds up saying "muy caliente" and it's starting to feel like the groundwork is being laid for Juan Pablo has a dark-horse candidate to be the Bachelor.
And how about Zak? She says something about how she has to gauge the relationship in terms of the other relationships, which I think translates to "I liked the other guys better." And then he says he wrote a song and he has a guitar there, which he gets out. Then he starts to sing and his voice does that thing country singers do when they affect a heavy twang, and it's a mournful dirge about how he's moving on. "I hope you have been able to find peace and happiness," she tells him, and she comes over to give him a hug and the audience applauds for some reason (most likely overinvestment).
Thankfully it is then time for bloopers. There are bumped heads and other such contusions, and Mikey freaking out over a grasshopper landing on him. Some of them aren't so much "bloopers" as they are "the men act like assholes," really.
Afterwards, Harrison praises Desiree as a "great Bachelorette" and pimps the impending preview of the finale, which he says is unlike any other due to circumstances they could never have predicted. Because it results in an engagement? I understand how that could be weird and scary for this show. He acknowledges that he says some variation of "it's the most dramatic finale ever" so often it's lost all meaning, but claims to really, really mean it this time, which is why the finale is split up into two parts, starting week. Does that mean they're skipping the now-standard prudish judgmental moralizing and self-righteousness we've come to expect from the overnight-date episodes? Whatever happens, it involves Desiree crying and wailing that she just wants to go home. Hey, it looks like everyone cries! It does look promising!
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Just once it'd be nice to have a Bachelorette look forward to the overnight dates and unabashedly express her wish to test-drive the models on offer. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.