Chris Harrison comes to visit the thirteen remaining hostages, probably around the time they've finished shooting the ransom videos with that day's newspapers. He explains to them for some reason that they are still there because they are the ones Desiree sees the most potential with. Yeah, that would be how it works, Harrison. He's also there to explain, once again, how dates work. And the final piece of news is that they're going to Atlantic City. Ben for some reason thinks this will help him get to know Desiree on a whole new level. The Atlantic City level?
We watch Desiree stroll around the boardwalk. Look contemplative, Desiree! Look exuberant! Look whimsical! The men fly in and describe Atlantic City as "like Vegas but on the ocean" and Drew explains that travelling with the person you care about takes romance to the level. I hate to have to point this out to Drew, but he traveled with the men, not with Desiree.
There's a one-on-one date card waiting for the men once they've finishing their orgasms upon seeing their hotel room. It's for Brad: "Let our love shine through." He wants to show Desiree who he is, and he leaves to go put on his face. Zak W. says Brad is the quietest guy in the house, and has a kid, which is a "sympathetic situation," according to massive idiot Zak, who has confidence that if Desiree doesn't think Brad is right for her she'll end it, which is big of him. And now Mikey is referring to another grown man as "kid," but it's kind of funny to listen to him bloviate on how he doesn't know how Brad will bring out Desiree's fun side, when it's cut with shots of the two of them having a blast playing carnival games and eating saltwater taffy and chocolate. "A girl knows her chocolate!" chirps Desiree, and so these two idiots interrupt some people with actual jobs on the chocolate assembly line and get their hands all over everything and aren't wearing hair nets.
Meanwhile, some of the assholes (mainly Zak W.) are NOT AT ALL CREEPILY peering at the boardwalk and trying to see the couple. Zak characterizes his stalking as "why I care so much," which is the stuff restraining orders are made of. Hard to believe this catch is single!
Brad and Desiree head for the beach, on a sandbed nestled in a big sandcastle-type structure because it's time for a banal conversation about what the other is looking for. Brad says when you have a son, you look for a good mom. Do you? Desiree seems to think Brad leaving his son behind to compete with two-dozen other guys for the right to have a brief, tabloid-only relationship on a reality-show makes him a good dad.
Dinner is brutal. Brad is practically mute, and Desiree is concerned.
A date card arrives at the men's hotel: "I'm looking for my Mr. Right," it reads. It's a group date: Brooks, Bryden, Zack K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Mikey, Ben, Michael and Chris. That leaves just James, who everyone assumes is getting a one-on-one date.
Back at dinner, Brad is still barely able to string two sentences together, but at least he's gazing weirdly at Desiree for long, silent stretches. Then they elect to take the stairs to the roof of the building, which ... has a lighthouse on it? There are tedious shots of them trudging up the stairs, and then apparently Desiree wanted to bring him up here to dump him? "I think that something was missing, and unfortunately, I didn't see it being forever," she says, adding that she's not giving him the rose. You couldn't have done this at ground level? What is wrong with you? Brad says he hopes she finds what she's looking for. And what is that? "I want a love that can light the darkness," Desiree tells us, while we watch her do her best to look sad as she gazes out the window.
The men at the hotel watch Brad's suitcases get removed, and Ben in particular sympathizes, as a fellow single dad because looking for love isn't the "funnest" thing to do. Brad, in his exit interview, blubbers a little bit, and then we go BACK to reflective Desiree gazing out into the night and repeating her platitudes on how she didn't see forever.
We all know what's coming on this group date. There are so damn many of them still left that we have to watch her greet them all while a bunch of guys babble at us about how Desiree shits rainbows or whatever. Brooks says she's like a unicorn: "She shows up every once in a while, and is here for ten seconds and is gone, and usually with another guy," he says, and I'd like to know where Brooks is seeing interspecies-sexually-promiscuous unicorns popping up every once in a while.
Desiree takes them to Boardwalk Hall, where he and a Miss America ... contestant? Winner? I don't know ... give them some boring history about how this is where the Miss America pageant was born, and yes, let's all celebrate the birth of that fine institution.
Anyway, the Bachelors are going to have their own Mr. America pageant, aided by "world-famous" pageant coach Christopher Dean, who calls them up on the stage, where he tells them to explore themselves to discover what talents them have. And listen! Everybody can't do masturbation and steroids! There are props for them to explore with, like guitars, batons and juggling balls. And high heels? "It's a hodgpodge of tomfoolery," Drew tells us, since much like the rap video, it's much better for these guys to make a big joke of everything instead of being sincere about anything. Drew is actually performing a Shakespeare monologue and Chris calls it "serious bromanticism" like THIS is EASILY THE DUMBEST COLLECTION OF PEOPLE ON ONE SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.
Meanwhile Miss America is asking the idiots sample questions like, "What is America's biggest problem?" and "When do your various probations end?" She makes the mistake of asking Mikey what superpower he'd like, and he says invisibility and creepily talks about he could see what's going on without being seen, and he wiggles his eyebrows at her, and I hope she told him he should try to come off a little less rapey.
Then there is much hooting and hollering when the swimsuit competition is announced, as there are many Speedos.
Harrison stops by to tell them one more thing: It's going to be in front of a live audience. The guys talk about the added pressure to perform, although you know at least a few of them have done time for exposing themselves to strangers.
When the competition begins -- I can't believe the audience couldn't find something better to do in Atlantic City -- Harrison introduces the judges: Miss America 2013, the mayor of Atlantic City, who should be turfed from office for this, and Desiree herself.
The interview portion starts, and -- remember Miss Teen South Carolina? Like such as? Or Miss Utah? Create education better? This makes them look like Churchill. Mikey is asked for one thing women don't understand about men, and he apparently thinks women all see men as buff meatbags without feelings. "From personal experience," you understand. "We cry inside. We like to have fun. We like long walks on the beach," he explains, his fellow contestants backstage cracking up. He says he's trying to get the message out: "I'm sensitive!" Then after complaining about that, he comes out for the talent competition, and his talent consists of taking his shirt off and doing handstand push-ups. Kasey does a fairly competent tap dance, and Brooks plays a song on the ukulele and then smashes it. Bryden strips and airfucks the judges. Zak W. puts on a little twang to play a country song.
And then the swimsuit competition starts, Mikey continuing to do his part to display the softer side of men by flexing his pecs. After some shirtless strutting, the men all come back out on stage for the results: Brooks is the second runner-up, Zak W. is the first runner up, and then Kasey wins and goes into a whole "I can't believe it!" mime routine. Mikey and Zak are both pissed they weren't chosen, but I expect they'll console themselves by oiling each other up, lifting weights, and beating up some nerds.
Afterward, everyone heads to a spa, where Chris isn't satisfied with having been terrible in the pageant but wants to tell Desiree about the poetry he wrote in 2009 when he was bummed out and hanging out in coffee shops. And then he starts reading poetry to her... except it's a poem about her, and it's terrible, and to Desiree's credit, she doesn't laugh at him. To her discredit, she kisses him. "I think the poem may have earned me a rose tonight," he says. Oh, sure. Nothing gets reality show contestants laid quicker than awful poetry.
Oh, I just can't with the "I hate Ben" routine anymore. Every episode with this. Fast-forward, good god. Now they're mad at him because he didn't go far enough away with Desiree for their chat.
Back at the hotel, James is enjoying having the place to himself, and he's poured a bubble bath and is lounging with wine and chocolate. Didn't I just see this in Behind the Candelabra? His date card arrives: "Can our love weather the storm?"
Zak W. has brought along his guitar since he didn't get to finish his song at the talent show for some reason? Now we have to listen to him singing it and explain to us what it's about. He's confident that he's getting a group date rose, and it turns out he's right for once, but come on, when the competition is Chris's poetry? Bryden mutters darkly about how he didn't get to spend time with her.
The day, James has his bags packed in preparation for his date. He sits around chatting with the other guys about his upcoming date, and there is not nearly enough attention paid to the fact that Kasey is apparently still shirtless and wearing his Mr. America crown and sash.
They head out on their date, where it turns out they're going to take a helicopter ride to gawk at Hurricane Sandy destruction, with a woman from the Red Cross educating them on the damage down. "It really is to take a moment and shed some light on what's important," Desiree sanctimoniously tells us. Listen, Des: We already know that literally EVERY OTHER THING IN THE WORLD is more important than The Bachelorette, let alone a natural disaster.
So Red Cross Lady's Operation Buzzkill Cockblock goes off without a hitch. "The destruction of Hurricane Sandy is way worse than I could have imagined," says Desiree. Well, watch some news or read a newspaper once in a while! The two of them make appropriately sad statements about the level of destruction, and then Zach decides that looking at the carnage has bonded him and Desiree. Well, that will comfort the people whose homes were destroyed! You know, if they're not already feeling psyched about serving as a Reminder of What's Important for shallow people.
And then they land so James and Desiree can gawk at a couple who were personally affected by the hurricane, and they tell their story, which naturally exposes any and all of the shit on this show for how trivial and inconsequential as it is. And then Desiree tells James that she had something planned for their date, but maybe they could let the other couple take it instead? Sandy actually happened on Manny and Jan's anniversary. Well, what's James going to say? Then we get to watch beneficent James and Desiree bestow their evening in Atlantic City on the nice couple, who have been married longer than all of the couples on any iteration of The Bachelor combined. And James again says that witnessing the destruction took him and Desiree to a whole new level, and it's utterly gross that these narcissists can only view a catastrophe through a lens of what they can get out of it, and then they kiss and decide to get something to eat because being holier-than-thou makes a person hungry.
Then we watch Manny and Jan enjoy the dinner and I'm not going to make fun of these two but leave them in dignity. Instead, let's catch up with Desiree and James, having dinner in a bar and congratulating themselves for being wonderful human beings. James is so jazzed by how much they're bonding, and he decides to come clean about when he cheated on his longtime girlfriend, and when she reveals that she was cheated on, you can see him waver slightly, maybe wondering if it was a mistake to tell her. She asks if he'd ever do it again. "Mayb-- I mean, no, of course not!" Actually, he answers that he doesn't think a man can really love until his heart has broken. Well, it must be a relief for Des to hear you attribute your broken heart to your girlfriend not taking you back after you cheated on her, James. Desiree is concerned about his past cheating but at least glad he was honest about it.
Meanwhile, a gift has arrived for Manny and Jan: a reproduced wedding photo album to replace one that was ruined in the hurricane. Boy, it's sure a good thing Desiree spontaneously decided to give up her date! Ugh, and then James and Desiree actually crash the date to accept hugs and gratitude and patronizingly talk about what a special moment it was. "Those two are the epitome of weathering the storm," James tells us.
And the date's not over! Desiree and James donate their private concert with Darius Rucker. Darius Rucker? Well, I suppose "I've heard of him but don't like him" is a step up from "I haven't heard of them but I hate them," which is standard for this show.
Desiree gives Cheatin' James a rose because him being honest about his infidelity shows he's trustworthy, or something. And then they go watch Manny and James dance, and then join them on the dance floor while Darius Rucker makes us try to forget that he was in a band called Hootie and the Blowfish. "There's a lot we can learn from Manny and Jan's story," says Desiree, despite the fact that we will hear no more about Manny and Jan for the rest of the season.
Now back to your regularly scheduled pettiness. Let's start the cocktail party with the guys talking about how important it is to get a rose if you want to keep going, shall we? That's the kind of killer insight you only get by participating on the show, I imagine.
Desiree comes in, toasts the men, and then pulls Michael aside to talk to him, and he outlines all the reasons he likes her, using the letters in her name as the starting letter in the reason, like he's six years old and doing a school project for Mother's Day. And the last letter he uses is G, which is the first letter of his last name, which is awfully presumptuous. But judging by the make out session that erupts, Desiree doesn't mind, but I suppose that's to be expected when she's always burbling about "fairy tales" and not "actual goals." And then Chris awkwardly talks to Desiree and uses the term "friend zone" so he needs to go home, but Desiree kisses him. "Do friends kiss?" she says. Actually kinda chastely, like that? Sometimes!
Bryden, meanwhile, is champing at the bit to complain to Desiree about how he thinks their relationship has been falling off a little, while the other guys speculate about whether he'd actually remove himself from the competition. She encourages him to stay because she wants to see where things go. But ... if he doesn't want to be there? After opening up, Bryden feels a little better but he's still not sure what he's going to do.
Rose Ceremony! They go to Chris (really?), Brooks, Juan Pablo, Drew, Michael, Ben, Kasey, Bryden. Did Bryden really take a long time to step forward, or was that just editing shenanigans? Final rose goes to Mikey? Ugh. That leaves just Zack K. to make the long trip down the hotel hallway, telling us he's not ready to go home yet, and he really did see a future with Desiree. "I wanted to find love, and I came here literally with a leap of faith," he says, and that means I won't be sorry to see him go.
Back at the ceremony, Desiree pays brief lip service to how tough it is to let guys go, before announcing they're off to Germany. And not a single blond among them!
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. After all Manny and Jan have been through, did we really need to subject them to this? Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.