I'm Sure They'd Think Again if They Had a Friend Like Ben

S09E03

Brief interlude back at the house, where a date card arrives for Kasey: "Love defies gravity," it says.

And then it's back to dinner, where Chris, worried that he's not as suave as guys like Michael in his jeans and T-shirt, pulls Desiree aside to take her up on the roof and goggle at her awkwardly while they talk about making a connection. And afterwards, he feels more comfortable and he thinks he might get the rose.

And then Brooks shows up, still in his dodgeball clothes, and tells us the people at the hospital pushed really hard to get him done quickly so he could get back there because who knows how much time he'll get the rest of the week with Desiree? Oh, that was definitely on the minds of everyone there. He sits down with Desiree and they start making out within about five seconds, which made it all the more hilarious when Desiree tells us, "I just love my conversations with Brooks. He just brings out the best in me."

And then Desiree surprises me by giving the rose to Chris, and that means they get a private concert together from someone named Kate Earl. One of her songs starts out, "Never knew what I was signing up for," which sounds about right. The concert goes on for several minutes, and it feels like half-an-hour, but I presume there was some sort of contractual obligation as to how much screen time Ms. Earl was to get.

The morning, Desiree is journaling or whatever and talking about how she'd be lucky to have any one of these guys, when hark! Her cellphone rings, and it's Chris Harrison, telling her that he has some "bizarre news" about one of her guys, and we don't hear what it is, even though they've been teasing this non-stop, and then Desiree says, "so selfish" and Harrison says, "I don't want him to get away with this." He tells her she should go to the house and "have a conversation." To the Bachelorettemobile!

Still they're not revealing who or what (although we know it's "has a girlfriend"). She greets the men and tells Kasey that before their date, she's got to do something else, and pulls Brian aside. "Brian has a girlfriend back home," she tells us.

And then she doesn't straight-up ask him but starts asking him vague questions about relationships and things. Back in the house, Chris Harrison goes walking through, apparent ex-girlfriend in tow, while Brian is telling Desiree that he and his ex-girlfriend are friends now.

And then an interminable scene in which the ex-/current girlfriend yells at Brian (while the rest of the bachelors watch from the house) about how he told her he wasn't going to see anyone else, and what about her son Donovan, for whom Brian was a role model. Brian disputes her version of events every step of the way, telling Harrison and Desiree that it was a very rocky and toxic relationship. Under pressure, he admits to sleeping with Stephanie two days before coming out to California. "You're a lying, cheating deceitful pig," Stephanie says. Harrison asks Desiree if there's any way Brian is sticking around, and she says "no," but then we go to commercial, which is awfully suspicious.

And then the men are dressed in red uniforms and blue uniforms and we watch them stride in slow motion towards the dodgeball ... field? Pitch? Cage? Which is set up in public, so I expect at some point one of the bachelors will yell, "Are you not entertaaaaiiiined?" at the crowd. Desiree laughs her ass off when she sees the men in their tank tops and shorts looking deadly serious.

The game starts, and Michael tells us the crowd was going so crazy you couldn't hear the ball whiz by your face. By the crowd "going crazy" he appears to mean "sometimes some of the people who had nothing better to do than watch this clapped sometimes." Red and Blue each win one match, and then Brooks hurts his finger in the opening ball-grab of the tie-breaker, and Desiree frets about Brooks going to the hospital without her there. His Red teammates talk about winning this "for Brooks" like the guy died. And then Blue wins away, after a pitched battle between Chris and Zack K. winning it by knocking out Chris. And then -- and not for the first time on this stupid show -- Desiree says both teams get to continue the date. She explains to us that it's early on, so she needs time with all of them. Well, except for Brooks, who is, as we speak, getting his finger amputated.

Oh, wait. I was only kidding, but when we come back from commercial, we get this gritty hospital reality show starring Brooks, who is swimming in and out of consciousness while getting his finger attended to. Well, I bet he'd be comforted to know everyone back at dinner is toasting him.

Anyway, Brad wants to tell Desiree about his past -- do we know what this is yet? And he gets her alone -- and tells her that he has a three-year-old son named "Maddox." Yeah, nice to refer to your son as "your past," champ. "He's my whole world," Brad tells her. Oh, wait -- there's more. He's raising him by himself, because -- he says -- he was arrested for trying to stop his drunk babymama from driving, and there was a restraining order against him. You know, the automatic kind that's put into place when you're charged with domestic violence. "Thankfully," Brad notes, the charge was dismissed. Which I hate to point out isn't exactly the same as "I didn't do it," but I doubt Brad will be around for too much longer anyway, despite the fact that he seems pretty confident that opening up about the time he was charged with domestic violence will earn him a rose. If he thinks he's getting it over the guy who competed hard enough to land in the hospital, he's crazy.

Brief interlude back at the house, where a date card arrives for Kasey: "Love defies gravity," it says.

And when we come back, I remained convinced, right to the moment that Brian and his luggage were packed in a van driving away from the mansion, that it was all going to turn out to be an elaborate prank being pulled on Desiree, for whatever awful reason. Desiree speaks darkly about how it takes someone with "no character" for someone to come on The Bachelorette and not take it as seriously as, you know, the show itself does. You're going to tell me Brian is the only guy there who had sex two days or less before coming on the show?

The other men in the house condemn Brian because, after all, they've all put things aside to be where they are. Harrison and Desiree come in to talk about Monster Brian and say "for the right reasons" a bunch of times, which is worst fallout I can think of. I mean, at this point, I'd be happy if someone said "for the proper reasons" or "for the correct reasons," you know? Desiree warns the men to tell her now if they've got anything they need to tell her. The men look kinda shifty. They're dumb, but not too dumb to know that you don't confess until you're caught.

Desiree apologizes to Kasey about how this has taken away from his date and he tells her it's no sweat, because obviously you've got to deal with something like that. But he tells us it was disappointing, and now he's got to salvage the date, basically.

There is much sanctimonious discussion of Brian's treachery. Brandon, especially, is bothered by the fact that Brian's girlfriend is a single mother, and he cries when he talks about how he knows what it's like to get attached to a father figure who then disappears. The men are all hanging out discussion Kasey's date with Desiree, as you would, when the date card arrives for Dan, James, Juan Pablo, Bryden and Zak W. "Who will be the lone man standing?" asks the card.

As for the date with Kasey, it means so much to him that he can't even be bothered to put on anything nicer than jeans and a T-shirt. They're on Sunset Boulevard and they stop to watch some "bandaloop," which I guess is a word for when people dance on the side of a building. And we all know that this going to be the date, and it's much more boring than you'd think it would be. And then they have enough and get down from the building, and Desiree says the date hasn't gone the way she hoped it would. I can only imagine she means having to deal with Brian first up, because otherwise I don't know what she's talking about.

They go for dinner on the top of the building they were dancing on, and it's super windy, because being on the top of a building isn't always conducive to having a conversion. Because they're dumb, they elect to shed clothes and get in the pool, and now they're REALLY cold, but they kiss for a while, and then finally they realize they should go inside rather than get hypothermia, and she gives him the rose, which they give out for Most Boring Date Imaginable now, I suppose. "This has been the weirdest date ever," says Desiree, who last week made a bunch of guys do a rap video with Souljah Boy.

The morning the idiots on the five-on-one date find a stagecoach awaiting them to take them to the Rose N' Thorn Ranch, where Desiree is on the second-floor balcony, dressed like a hooker in a western, who is then attacked from behind. She fights him off and throws him through the breakaway railing.

Yep! It's the now-regular stunt date, combined with the new Disney-movie date, in this case The Lone Ranger. And they get to ride the actual horses from the movie, and they get all excited about this for some reason. Desiree says she likes nice guys, but she also likes guys with a "rebel side" and who are "trailblazers." If anyone knows what the hell that has to do with the bachelors throwing fake punches and shooting fake guns at stunt men has to do with "trailblazing" and being a rebel, email me. Variations: Dan's pants split, but he's a hero for not giving up and running away crying, I guess. And Juan Pablo speaks Spanish while he pretends to punch dudes and shoot dudes. Desiree melts, and gives him the stunt badge and then they, naturally, get to one of those theatres that they had all over the Old West to watch The Lone Ranger. Desiree says that this date, where they are watching a movie, definitely "felt like a movie date." Juan Pablo drops popcorn on her boobs and fishes it out and feeds it to her, and then they make out.

Later, after dinner, Desiree throws herself at Bryden until he finally kisses her -- "When we kiss, it's awesome," he elucidates -- and then laughs with Zak about some failed attempt to kiss her earlier, and makes awkward small talk with James.

And then the awkward small talk with James takes a turn when he reveals his dad has pancreatic cancer and basically asks Desiree, "Look, my dad is dying, so am I wasting my time here or not?" Which prompts her to go and get the rose, apparently right after Zak is crowing about how confident he is, and bring it back to James. She says, for her, the rose means that she wants more time with a person. Yeah, that's what they mean for everybody, Desiree. She gives James the rose, and he has a daisy ready to reciprocate with immediately, which cracks her up, and they kiss. Bonus: Zak looks ready to cry.

The day, Harrison comes in to greet the guys. This time, sadly, it's not to see someone booted off the show. He says tonight's cocktail party is cancelled (no reason is given) in favor of a pool party that afternoon.

Ben stakes out the driveway and as soon as Desiree pulls up he accosts her to ask her to take a fifteen-minute drive with him. Having not had date time with her, he's determined to create a little mini-date. So they go for a drive, and Desiree gushes about what a humble, sweet man he is.

When they get back, they're spotted by the other guys (including the part where they kiss in the driveway), and Michael thunders about Ben being deceitful and underhanded, like there's some kind of Bachelorette rulebook. And then Mikey and Michael are especially pissed off because when asked directly, Ben lies about having had any time with Desiree. They hate deceit, you know? I mean, not the kind of deceit where you pretend not to already know the answer to a question when you ask it so you can catch someone in a lie; that kind of deceit is fine. Mikey tells us if Ben had just owned up to spending time with Desiree (because it's anyone else's business how?) he would have applauded Ben being aggressive, which is flat-out bullshit from Mikey. The only real awful part is Ben doing his creepy "this is our secret, so shush" thing with Desiree, but she appears to eat it up. Oh, and not the women's tanktop he's wearing.

So it's time for Mikey and Michael to pull Ben aside and lecture him again and how they cannot abide this kind of skullduggery going on. "I just can't tolerate being lied to. I just can't unscramble that egg," says Michael, after telling Ben that the two of them aren't going to be friends. To us, Ben says he's there for Desiree, not the others. "It's called The Bachelorette for a reason. It's not called Let's Make Friends," he says.

Brandon gets Desiree aside, so get ready for some crying. Sure enough, he starts talking about Brian and his issues with the periodic father figures. "I'm never going to take you for granted," he says, who already announces he's falling in love with her, and then he pulls her in for a kiss. "I just feel so good right now," he tells us. Well, that makes one of us, Brandon. "She just consumes my mind right now," he tells us. Well, it's otherwise unoccupied, right?

So he's quite confident going into the Rose Ceremony, while Michael is all "More drama with Ben, but that's par for the course, and I hope Desiree sees that." Yeah, hasn't she had a pretty great time with Ben?

Desiree starts handing out the roses: Bryden. Juan Pablo. Zak W. Brooks. Drew. Zack K. Brad. Michael. Mikey. Final rose goes to Ben, which I had typed in before she said it. Brandon's open-mouthed confusion is, frankly, hilarious.

So Dan and Brandon have to say their goodbyes. Dan tells us she's been "duped" by Ben and he hopes she sees through all his lies. Has he lied to her? God, these assholes. I'm never not annoyed by the "I don't like him, which means he's wrong for her" attitude these guys have.

At least Dan doesn't cry. Brandon is "fucking blown away" and says Ben is the biggest liar he's ever met. It's like he's eight years old! He starts to make a scene right there in the Rose Ceremony, so she then chases after him because god forbid someone not be happy about being dumped. I mean, aren't you just running after him to reiterate why you're dumping him? She talks about "chemistry" which I think is code for "I'm not going to sleep with a guy when I can't get through a conversation without him on the verge of tears every damn time."

"Once again, someone left me," says Brandon. It's a good thing he doesn't get too attached. "I can't even cry," says Brandon, who has done nothing but since the season started.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He keeps being surprised by the decisions Desiree makes, but that's because he keeps expecting her to behave like a normal human. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.