We're in Munich now, with the Bachelors examining the amazing architecture and saying things like, "That's a cool building right there," and other such inanities, and they can only seem to enjoy the place in relation to which of them is going to nail Desiree, apparently.
Chris Harrison greets them (with a "guten Morgen") and some blather about how Munich is all about history and romance (because when you think "romance" you think "Germans," of course) and then sends them back to their hotel to retrieve the date card, which is for Chris. It's in German, which Chris can read? Phonetically, at least? It's translated for us: "In Munich, we can fall in love with each other." He's "really jacked" to get the first international date.
And the date consists of them wandering the city, while the background music is probably a CD at the Bachelorette offices entitled Oktoberfest's Greatest Accordion Hits.
While they're out wandering around, the rest of the guys, especially Bryden, are moping around the hotel room. Again, I can only assume that they're confined to the hotel (but not allowed to admit it) because I can assume even these pinheads would want to explore the city. Wait, did Bryden just say he's going home? He was talking to James and I zoned out, but now he's on his way to go find Des.
Des, meanwhile, tells us this date has been "so much fun." [Footage not found] They are eating sausages and putting on traditional German clothing and listening to oompah bands and dancing in the middle of a square while other people watch the Americans make asses of themselves.
Back at the hotel, James tells the other bachelors that Bryden is leaving, and they gasp like he said, "Yeah, Bryden just slipped in the shower and ripped open his jugular and now he's dead." And we watch Bryden stroll around Munich asking people if they've seen any television cameras around. Eventually he catches up with Chris and Desiree, who are still cavorting around in front of the polka band, and we go to commercial on a hilarious shot of Chris stalk/staring at them from the crowd.
He makes his move when they start to leave, and Bryden nobly asks Chris for permission to talk to Desiree, and we have to watch Chris pout about having to share her. And before even watching Bryden talk to Desiree we have to check in with the dinguses back at the hotel, who solemnly discuss the situation in hushed tones.
So Bryden is all, "Yeah, I think I'm gonna go," and Desiree is all, "That sucks but OK, bye," and she tells us she knew this was a possibility after their conversation in Atlantic City, and now she's questioning whether the other guys will be there or if they'll decide to leave, and I hate to tell her that those are always THE ONLY TWO CHOICES, and she is actually crying, and she lies and says she's not going to let it affect her date with Chris. Because they talk about it. And talk about it. And wonder, why come all the way to Germany? Because FREE TRIP TO GERMANY, STUPIDS. Chris assures her that he's there for the long haul, which from any of these bachelors actually comes off like a threat instead of a promise, and then they start guzzling beer.
Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives: "Will you climb the highest mountain for me?" It's for Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew and Mikey. So Micahel and Ben will be on the two-on-one date the day. Michael, who looks like he hasn't slept in days, says he'd rather be on the group date. He goes over-the-top in telling us he finds Ben "repulsive" and how he has enough evidence to "convict Ben of fraud" and laughably talks about the "gladiator-style setting" where he will "murder Ben." It's a good thing he's got an appropriate level of emotional investment here.
Night falls, and Chris and Desiree have managed not to bore each other to death somehow, and they're going for dinner in a palace, so good news: That lets Desiree burble about feeling like a princess, and Chris like an idiot brings up Bryden again, but it's just to tell her she handled it well, and I bet she appreciates his approval.
The usual boring chit-chat ensues, with Chris saying he'd rather be in a relationship, and Desiree says, "Are you 'the relationship guy'?" like YOU ARE EXPLICITLY LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN and now she is complaining about some ex-boyfriend of hers who sounds like an emotional midget.
And oh lord, Chris has written another poem. This one is called "Thoughts So True," and it is horrifying. Sometimes it rhymes, and other times it rhymes "take" with "made" and I know there's such a thing as near-rhymes but that would give Chris way too much credit. In Chris's favor: when he tells us that Desiree is everything he wants in a woman, the first thing he notes is her intelligence. That could honestly be a first on this show.
Anyway, she gives him the rose, and they start kissing, and Chris starts talking about how much you can tell about a person by the way they kiss, and then yet again we have to endure the couple "enjoying" a private concert by an eminently forgettable singer/band. In this case, someone named Matt White, whoever that is, and they slow dance while he plinks away a bland song about how it's just "you and I against the world."
And now it's on to the group date, at the base of the snow-covered Zugspitze, Germany's highest peak. James feels like he's been demoted, going from a one-on-one date to a group date, but is deluded himself into thinking that what he and Desiree have is "so unique and special" that no one else can touch it.
Then they take the gondola up the mountain, and we get aerial shots that are in no way coming from the perspective of the gondola but which are nevertheless breathtaking. And now we hear someone yodeling, and the pinhead bachelors react with their expected condescension and sarcasm. Or, as Desiree puts it, "It's so much fun watching the guys embrace the culture that they're in and really give it a try."
And then it's time to sled down the mountain, which looks incredibly fun/dangerous. I am pleased to see that no one is wearing helmets, so I cross my fingers for some major head trauma. And the trope of "whatever we're doing is a metaphor for love" returns, with someone proclaiming that "love is like sledding down a hill" and then there's the "let's praise Desiree for basic adult behavior," as in they're impressed because Desiree didn't lose her mind after wiping out.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Ben and Michael await their date card, with Michael continuing to go out of his way to tell us how much he hates Ben, to the point that you really wonder if he's trying to convince us or himself. At any rate, he's looking forward to the opportunity to show Desiree what everyone else already sees.
When the card comes, Chris reads it: "Let's heat things up! Two guys, one rose. One stays, one goes." Michael tells us he suspects Desiree is doing this because she trusts Michael to "expose Ben for the fraud he is." Why he thinks Desiree wouldn't just send a fraud home, he doesn't explain. Logic isn't Michael's strong suit. Which is weird because isn't he a lawyer?
Back on the mountain, Desiree leads the idiots through a store set into snowy mounds -- just how often has the phrase, "We have no idea what to expect at this point," been used on this show? A thousand?
Anyway, it's an entrance to an ice mansion, which seems like a lot of fun, and it might have been if Desiree hadn't started talking about Bryden. I'd like to point out that being bummed about Bryden leaving but also urging the bachelors to just leave if they don't feel things are right sends mixed messages.
And now Brooks is talking to Desiree, at least for a few moments before they start making out. You'll never believe this, but he wants the rose. Who else wants the rose? Well, Mikey. YES EVERYONE WANTS THE ROSE THE ROSE IS NECESSARY TO CONTINUE ON THIS SHOW. Now Mikey is talking to Desiree and spinning a scenario in which he presumes Desiree will take his last name and has been impregnated either three or five times. Meanwhile, Zak strolls outside and yodels at them, and Mikey bitches about this jackass grinding his gears.
So it's Zak's turn, and he talks about how weird it is that they're on a mountain because ten years ago he was almost a priest but he climbed a mountain and decided it wasn't right for him and then started chasing tail? I might have missed the point of his story.
The rest of the guys are staring at the rose. Drew tells us that James has clearly grown more confident in his relationship with Desiree, and he doesn't get it at all. Brooks is likewise bummed, and Brooks tells us with Desiree he's nice and caring and charming but with the guys he can be "cutty" and short and vulgar. Are you telling us, Brooks, that James does not behave toward you like he finds you sexually attractive and potential marriage material? I refuse to believe it! So he stalks their alone time and appears to be watching them make out, which isn't creepy at all and is certainly the sort of behavior any woman would want a guy to display.
But it turns out that Brooks gets the group-date rose anyway. James is pissed because they're polar opposites. James says Brooks is a happy-go-lucky guy while he -- and this surprises nobody -- takes himself more seriously.
Oh, this two-on-one date is going to be amazing. Ben is calmly explaining that he won't get upset over whatever nonsense Michael spews (and eye-rollingly talks about how he'll be a "good Christian" or whatever), while Michael is telling the rest of the guys that he wants to see them again, and Desiree again (he says the guys first). Then Ben strolls in, and Michael goes all squirrelly. They say their goodbyes and head out, sitting silently in the car. Michael repeats his "Ben is a fraud" claim, and says Ben's been talking about how his being on the show is good exposure for his business. Oh, and there's the return of "there's been no mention of his son at all," which if there had been would surely be "Ben is always using his son as a prop."
And now Michael is talking about the "trial tactics" he can use when cross-examining someone who's not telling the truth. Is he really a lawyer or is he just trying to get Col. Jessup to admit he ordered the Code Red? He's going to expose Ben as a fraud and impersonating a southern gentleman.
Desiree meets them in Lake Tegernsee, a picturesque hillside town. She says tonight's going to be awkward but she's looking forward to it. She wants to see how Ben and Michael interact with each other in awkward settings. Why she would want to see that, I have no idea. Seems like a weird thing to gauge, especially given that after the two-on-one date, they won't have to interact at all ever again.
So I guess the date is sitting on a bench drinking coffee from a thermos, meaning the date budget is running out. Then they go for a stroll. "This is like the nicest mountain in town ever," Desiree says, whatever that's supposed to mean. Then she talks about the polar plunge in Lake Louise, which she didn't do then but wants to do now.
They get on their bathing suits and bathrobes, Mikey wearing the bathrobe sash on his head like a headband.
But it turns out this is another one of Desiree's classic pranks, which was unfortunately telegraphed by the talking-head quotes from the guys where they're saying odd things like, "I'm really hoping we don't have to do this." And no they're not doing it, but instead they're getting in a "hot tug," which is a hot-tub boat, which is a fine place for blather about relationships. Here's Ben mentioning his son, and Michael telling us Ben is an "absentee father" and, like I said, now complaining about Ben talking about his son because it's self-serving. You know what a hot tug is not ideal for? Actually listening to a conversation, considering the sound of the motor overpowers everything else. But it's pretty easy to hear Michael pointedly talking about how important it is for a father to be around, and Desiree, despite this being EXACTLY what she said she wanted it, finds it uncomfortable. Ben tells us he was finding it difficult to be "a good Christian, a good man."
And now we start laying the groundwork for the central drama promised in this episode: Drew talking to Brooks, Kasey and Chris about a conversation he and Kasey overheard between James and Mikey, in which they were talking about how they were going to be living it up once they got back to Chicago, and James talking about how he runs Chicago and after being on the show everyone will know who he is, and he and Mikey are going to take Mikey's boat out and have sex with tall, good-looking women with lots of money. All four of them do pearl-clutching over the guys not being there for the right reasons, and they don't want Desiree to lose faith in the good guys who are here.
Anyway, the date has progressed to dinner, with Michael promising to keep his pledge and have Desiree's back and defend her honor. They've barely started eating when Michael stammers out a weird question about why he doesn't get along with everybody in the house, and Ben says he does get along, but the main thing is to be there for Desiree, and even Michael is surprised when Desiree politely suggests he back off.
Instead, she asks what sort of family traditions they want to start or continue for their own families, and Ben says Sunday is family day, and he wants to go to church every Sunday. Michael: "What about Easter, Ben? You didn't go to church on Easter." Is he drunk? Ben says it was a Catholic service in German, and Michael petulantly points out other guys of other faiths went. Ben says it was his first Easter away from his son, and Michael says he didn't even talk to his son on Easter. After a long few moments, Ben excuses himself to go outside and cool down. Desiree gives Michael a look and tells him he doesn't have to do that. "I'm trying to show you the way he portrays himself," Michael tells her.
Ben's upset, saying Michael is crossing a line: lying to Desiree. "I'm done trying to be his friend." Back inside, Michael is too fucking stupid to listen to Desiree tell him he's making her uncomfortable. "I'm just standing up for what's right," he says. Desiree tells us she's really uncomfortable between the two of them, and she's not seeing the qualities she wants in either one of them, and she might let both of them go.
Michael tells us that he knew when Ben walked out and he saw the look on Desiree's face, that he fucked up. (Yeah? That only makes it weirder that you kept arguing with her about it.) Desiree goes outside to see if Ben's OK, and he tells her he's never had his faith or his fatherhood questioned, and he's just gathering his thoughts and coming back in. She's torn because she thinks the fact that Ben is the outcast among this group of assholes says something (even though she hasn't seen it and thinks Ben is sweet, apparently). So he comes inside and chats alone with Desiree for a while in which he appears to need to justify how much he does or doesn't talk to his son.
She and Ben return to the dinner table, so she takes Michael aside to find out "why he's so passionate" about criticizing Ben. Michael tells her he's condescending and a know-it-all and has made some disconcerting statements, and talks about Ben supposedly saying the publicity of the show will be good for his business.
Eventually they return to the table, and Desiree starts talking about the moments that made her uncomfortable but she was able to talk to the both of them. She says she thinks Ben is a good father and a good man, and she likes the way she can be herself with Michael, and she's giving the rose to the person she sees a future with, and that turns out to be Michael.
Ben sees himself out. "The hell with him for what he said to me. Fuck this," Ben mutters. He can't believe -- nor can I, really -- that Desiree would give the rose to one guy talking so much shit about someone else like that. Michael, even though he won, can't help but talk about how "justice has been served." Desiree chases after him and gives him a hug goodbye. He gets in the limo and says, "Let's go." They do not go. "You want me to sit here and look unhappy?" he asks. Ha! He figures it won't take Desiree long before she realizes she made the wrong decision. "The fact that Michael made it farther than me... wow," he says. Probably not the sentiment that best expresses your sincerity, but ... hell, his limo ride is amazing, warning the show that they need to be careful otherwise they're not going to have a good Bachelor. Then he asks where they're getting drunk on his last night in Munich, and wants to know how soon he's allowed to be seen in public with someone because he doesn't want to wait. True colors, or him letting loose after being spurned? I still like him better than Michael.
I guess it's Rose Ceremony time, at Schloss Schleissheim. Chris Harrison greets Desiree in front of the castle, which means we're going to kill/fill time with a boring conversation about how the week has gone. This is Desiree's first time in Europe, and she says, based on spending a few days in a little bit of Germany, "I love Europe." So let's just move on. My decision is validated moments later when Harrison and Desiree have a painful conversation about who the best kissers are.
The guys arrive and settle in and start discussing the evening, with James saying he'd like to talk to her first. Chris asks if he has something specific to say to her, and Drew points out they all want to spend time with her. Mikey says there are few enough of them now that it won't matter who goes first or last. Chris cryptically talks about Des starting to see people's "true colors."
The guys are a little surprised (the rest of us not so much, given the lateness of the hour) when Harrison comes in with Desiree for the announcement that Desiree has requested, after an emotional week, not to have a cocktail party, as she already knows who she's eliminating. Drew feels "sick" that he's not going to have the chance to warn Desiree, and it looks like he might actually throw up when he stands there listening to James crow about how confident he feels about his relationship with Desiree.
So they gather for the Rose Ceremony. Desiree comes out and apologizes for the weirdness, but she didn't want to put them through an unnecessary cocktail party. Blah blah blah she's surrounded by a great group of guys. Them?
Roses: Zak. Kasey. Juan Pablo, Drew. Last rose comes down to Mikey or James. Both are super-douchey, but one is, apparently more evil -- and the more-evil one, James, gets the final rose. "I'm at a loss," says Drew, who doesn't understand why Desiree would keep James, even after HE DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO WARN HER OF THE REASONS SHE SHOULDN'T. He calls James a cancer. Oh, and also a piece of shit.
Mikey is super-surprised at his ouster: "I think she missed out on a guy like me that's a genuine guy, that has been raised the right way and would have treated her great, and we would have a great life together of love and happiness and family." He unsurprisingly thinks she'll regret her decision.
Kasey and Drew are bummed about James staying, and now that James is the new Ben, we get to see shots of James where he looks particularly sinister. Oh, and we never do see the clips of Desiree bawling and crying or the confrontation between James and the other guys. That's week, apparently? It had better be!
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Seriously, they couldn't have one little avalanche on the mountain? He's not asking for all the contestants to be killed, but just enough to shorten the season by a couple of episodes. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.