Everything Is Terrible and Everyone Hurts

S09E02

Back at the house, Chris tells us he came here to spend time with Desiree, and he has yet to receive a date card. I have to think this interview came much later because literally everyone in that house EXCEPT FOR THE PERSON CURRENTLY ON A DATE has yet to have had his name on a date card.

Hark! A date card arrives! It's for Dan, Juan Pablo, "Myself" (come on, I don't know the name of the guy reading the card yet, it's the second fucking episode), Zach K., Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon and Ben. Chris makes a face. "Who's here for the right reasons?" is what the card says. The men toast that they'll get to hang out with Desiree and "not each other" all day long. This despite the fact there are FOURTEEN men going on the date, so by definition the date means they will be hanging out with each other.

Back at the bridge, not only have neither Desiree nor Brooks or both jumped off, but Desiree gives Brooks a rose, which depressingly means both will be back week. And then Desiree pretends to notice music in the distance, and they walk down the bridge to a stage where Brooks pretend to recognize "The Andy Grammer Band," whatever that is, singing a forgettable song about waiting on a sunset, and then a forgettable song about how "I choose you," that they sing while Brooks and Desiree make out. "Can it get any better than this?" asks Desiree, making me feel really sorry for Desiree. Then Brooks says, "Strap on your seat belts because it's going to be an awesome ride." It's only the second episode, and he's already forgetting how humans talk.

Well, there's no putting this off any longer: It's the group date at the Malibu Rocky Oaks vineyard, and we're moments away from the awful rap video that this gang of idiots is going to make. There are expensive cars parked in the courtyard of a mansion. Desiree explains that she takes finding love very seriously but she still likes to be goofy and laugh at herself, which is why today they're making a rap video.

The men applaud, and then Desiree says she's not a rapper but she wants to introduce them to a real rapper. I guess the real rapper must have dropped out at the last minute because then out walks Souljah Boy.

And then I black out for the ten minutes or so, as my brain shuts down in a defensive gesture. All I get are snippets: The video is called "For the Right Reasons" and the men try to impress Souljah Boy with their freestyling. I'm pretty sure one of these idiots call him "Soldier Boy." There is choreography. There are men wearing cowboy gear, armor, T-shirts that say "No. 1 Dad." The men can't seem to help staring at Brandon's package, dressed as he is in a short shirt and tighty whities. And there are lyrics referencing past Bachelors, including Wes, played by Ben, who came on the show just to promote his so-called musical career. And Jason Mesnick, who appears to be mocked for having a son. Brandon raps his part about having Desiree's name tattooed on his dick as he shakes it in her face. It's horrifying in every single way imaginable. Good thing this show has such a great record of racial diversity that it feels so comfortable treating hip-hop with utter dismissiveness.

Then the "sign" part of the date card is explained -- for anyone who didn't watch the previews and had it ruined -- when they go to visit the Hollywood sign, which would admittedly be a cool thing to do. Desiree awkwardly explains that it's because it's the ninetieth anniversary of the sign and normally people don't get to do this. Oh, but for The Bachelorette, anything is possible.

There is some tortured analogy-drawing going on, with Brooks saying that sitting on the Hollywood sign is like sitting on top of the world, and Desiree babbling inane tautologies about how when Brooks falls in love, he falls in love. And then they start kissing. Desiree says this first date sets the right tone for ... I don't know. This season? The foundation for a flurry of tabloid covers in a few months before she's forgotten forever?

Then this stupid show pretends it's turning into Judgment Night, (side note: I am old) with Brooks telling us about how they're in this shady area where there's graffiti everywhere, and he's pretending like he's all scared when YOU HAVE A CAMERA CREW WITH YOU, RELAX, and plus Desiree is extraordinarily unconvincing as she pretends to casually suggest that they just remove the barriers blocking a road and merrily drive down the closed street.

So big surprise, there's a dinner set up on the bridge, which is awful in its own way because it means that this date is not over yet and we're going to listen to the two of them talk about what they think marriage will be. Desiree is all, "My parents have been married for forty years. What's up with your divorced parents? Do you even know what love is?" Essentially. Brooks talks about arguing with his dad and how they're still working on their relationship. He wants his kids to have the time he didn't have with his father. "You have to go through the hard stuff in order to get to be where you need to be," says Desiree, like that's actually a saying. For some reason, Brooks thinks this kind of nonsense from Desiree makes it easy for him to open up. Sadly, the chandelier hanging above their heads doesn't seem to be in imminent danger of falling.

Even after everything that was so awful, Desiree seems to think there are lots of guys who are "marriage material." They head out for dinner, and Zak W. indulges in some revisionist history by claiming that he was not a buffoon for going shirtless at the initial cocktail party, but was in face "referencing Sean." He gets Desiree alone and gives her an antique diary that has never been written in, apart from the inscription from a father to his daughter. Neither of them seems to find it at all creepy that he gives her a gift with a father-daughter thing going on. Desiree says Zak W. impressed her because before she just thought of him as a "shirtless man," but now she knows he's here for the right reasons. But being "shirtless man" earned him a goddamn rose, so shut up, Desiree.

Brandon's head seems ready to explode as he stares at the rose waiting to be awarded and tells the other guys it would be nice if they could just forget about the rose and just be themselves, but still care about themselves. Then he talks about how love is like a butterfly, and if you hold it too loosely it will fly away, but if you hold it too tight, you kill it. Quit kidnapping butterflies, you weirdo!

Ben goes to cuddle under a blanket while we get the "Ben is evil" edit from the other guys. There is much talk about how he is not here for the right reasons, but what the wrong reasons are in Ben's case are not articulated. More often than not, "not here for the right reasons" means "I don't like him," so that's not a surprise. Then again, it's entirely possible that the other men can't hold too many thoughts in their head at once, and since the track they just produced is called "For the Right Reasons," they have that phrase on their minds. Brandon in particular seems upset to the point of tears when Ben and Desiree start kissing.

Who's to prove that point? Michael G. He says, "for the right reasons," half a dozen times, and then weirdly talks to Desiree about how there are going to be times when his mother and sister etc. are not treated with the respect they deserve, but "not on my watch." I have no idea what he's on about.

Mikey is now talking shit about Ben, and he claims that every other guy in the house has come to him to talk about how there is "realness" that is missing. So rather than talking to Desiree about his own merits, he pulls Ben aside to complain about Ben "swooping in" on him, and how he gets a politician feel to him, that he's nice to them only when the cameras are rolling. Have they even been there long enough for Ben to seem like a fake when the cameras aren't on? Then Ben acts appropriately Brosephus enough for Mikey and they bond about how cool their shoes are, or something.

Back at the house, Brooks brings in the date card. It's for Bryden. "Road trip!" is what it says. Jesus, it's only the second episode and already the date card writer is so bored she's just phoning it in. Bryden comically thinks being the second person chosen for a one-on-one date is a huge honor.

Brandon, giving off an increasingly stalker-ish vibe, interrupts Desiree's time with some other asshole to talk about how his dad left when he was a kid, and his mom was a drug addict, and they'd move every couple of years. It's a moving story, but Brandon appears to have unresolved issues that are not going to be addressed on The Bachelorette, that's for sure. He practically raised his siblings thanks to his absent father and derelict mother, apparently, and then starts talking about how he wants family of his own. Desiree, however, claims to see positive energy instead of alarm bells.

And then Desiree gives Ben the date rose, and Mikey hates his new bro all over again. "I don't think Desiree is looking for a guy like that," says Mikey. Fairly typical of men on this show: Desiree gives Ben both the first impression rose and now this date rose, but Mikey thinks he knows better than she does about what she wants.

And then the men close out the evening by chanting. "For the right reasons!" from their stupid song. Ever see the movie Freaks? This was like the ending of that movie, except far creepier.

So the day, Desiree pulls up at the men's house and honks the horn for Bryden, like get out of the damn car, good lord, and knock on the door instead of sitting out there honking like some kind of goddamn animal. Bryden uses the word "amazing" about five times.

They get some snacks and head out on the road trip. Desiree says California embodies everything that she is, and then weirdly follows that up with: "There are so many opportunities to explore."

They stop at a beach and run in the surf and whimsically fly a kite and draw in the sand and stop at a place to eat fish tacos. Then they go to an orange grove and pick oranges and have a picnic lunch. Then it's up to Ojai where they head to the Ojai Valley Inn and Spa for a candlelit dinner under the stars. Desiree says she's seen a "funnier and goofier" side to Bryden than she thought he had. [Footage not found.] They talk to each other about what a fine time they had, and now's the part where the bachelor reveals the worst thing that ever happened to him, and Bryden talks about an accident he was in, and of course he has PICTURES of it. And I don't mean like pictures on a cellphone but actual PRINTS. And then he went into the military. Anyway, the wreck taught him that you have to go for it or whatever because you never know when you might die. It's an argument for not wasting any time on The Bachelorette, that's for fucking sure.

And then, of course, Desiree bestows the rose on him, as is his reward for sharing a very personal story with her. She says if she and Bryden were together, she knows they'd live each day to the fullest. You know, the kind of thing that people like to believe is true about themselves, like she doesn't spend twenty per cent of her day watching Friends reruns. Then they get their bathing suits on and we endure an inordinate amount of awkward small talk and Desiree has to be the one to say, "Just kiss me already," which -- I'm not going to lie -- was a little hot, and certainly better than listening to Bryden stammer away about nothing, and they do.

And now it's time to put the "cock" in "cocktail party!" Despite the fact that this is only the second Rose Ceremony, there is serious talk about how everything has changed now. Somebody says "it's not the fight to fall in love, it's the fight for time," whatever that's supposed to mean. Michael G. decides this is the time to tell Desiree he's a Type 1 diabetic because anyone who's going to be with him needs to know about it. I agree, but I think it's probably something that can wait until your love interest is dating fewer than, let's say, a dozen people.

And then Ben breaks the cardinal rule of not hogging time with the bachelorette when you already have a rose. In his defense, it's not fair to also hang "How dare he interrupt Michael's diabetes revelation" on him since it's not like he could have known that. Mikey is in disbelief, given that he already had a talk with Ben about this. I can see how he would be confused that some other guy didn't follow his orders.

So while Michael tells the other guys about how Ben swooped in, Ben is pointing out to Desiree that not all the other guys know what a good kisser she is, and to celebrate this secret, they make out for a little while.

And Ben has to face a little tribunal when he returns to the fold, where he offers the feeble defense that he didn't realize someone was with Desiree, an excuse that falls apart because then he arrived and, you know, saw she was with someone. "Why you gotta do that to the kid?" says Mikey, referring to Michael. "The kid"? This is all very strange. Ben ultimately is not that concerned about it, telling us he did what he needed to do for him and Des.

So Michael pulls Ben aside with Mikey and another bachelor whose name I can't remember for another lecture about how he's rubbing some guys the wrong way. Ben defends himself by talking about how into Des he is or whatever, and Mikey points out that he's got a rose so he's safe for another week: "Why not let the kid talk to her?" Why does he keep calling Michael "the kid"? And does someone whose name is "Mikey" get to call anyone a kid? Michael then eye-rollingly blasts the example Ben is setting for his son. "He chose the wrong person to lie to," Michael says, talking pretty tough for someone who is letting a person named "Mikey" fight his battles for him and call him a kid.

Later, in a group, Michael will wonder aloud why Ben just didn't have his son go in to talk to Desiree. And then they appear to slam Ben for not talking about his son enough. Pick one of those things to be mad about because it can't be both, guys! It sounds like Ben's been talking about his successful business a lot. Mikey says this is all distracting from Des and why they're here, and doesn't seem to get that he doesn't have to let it distract him from Des. And now these assholes are talking about how true that "For the Right Reasons" song is.

And now -- I want to say Brian? -- is talking to Desiree about his past relationships, the most recent of which for him was a couple of months ago. "Things had changed from when we started," he says. I am yawning too hard to type right now. Yes, it is Brian! This last-minute focus on him and how confident he is going into the Rose Ceremony can only mean he's going home.

High Priest Chris Harrison comes out to talk about how it's the second week and there's already a little drama in the house, but he takes that as a good sign for some unfathomable reason.

Desiree comes out and says the fact they're all amazing husband material makes this very difficult for her. Then she starts handing out the roses: James. Kasey. Dan. Yay! Juan Pablo. She asks him to accept the rose in Spanish, which is a nice touch. Brad. Chris. Brian. Damn, I was wrong! He's still incredibly boring, even for this group of guys. Zak W. Drew. Mikey. Zach H. Michael. Last rose goes to Brandon, who breathes a sigh of relief as he comes forward. Getting the axe: High-fiving Will from Chicago, who boringly says things just didn't work out with Des. No, wait, he's a grown man who non-ironically uses the phrase "friend zone," so shag 'im.

Also gone: Robert, who I couldn't have identified with a gun to my head. I'm surprise the graphic identifying him didn't just say ?????, but he calls it a nightmare. Ditto for Nick M. who seems to be shocked things didn't work out for him.

Back in the house, Desiree and the remaining assholes toast "the right reasons," which really does put the perfect cap on this awful episode. week: A spurned girlfriend shows up at the house and lays waste to her cheatin' man! Or -- far more likely -- someone pretending to be a spurned girlfriend shows up at the house as part of one of Desiree's trademark "hilarious" pranks.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. This is the kind of episode that has him rethinking his "F for every episode" policy because now there isn't a worse grade to give this one. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.