We open with the usual montage of clips and platitudes and melodramatic statements that make each season indistinguishable from any other season. Desiree does seem to cry a lot, so at least there's that. Yeah, I know, we all like Desiree. NOW. She's gorgeous, and -- unlike, say, Emily -- doesn't look like she'll shatter if she falls down. I can forgive someone indulging a whim and spending some time on the Bachelor wheel one time, but sign up to do it again, fully knowing how terrible it is and how responsible it is for all of society's ills? Including, like, drone strikes and Hangover Part III? You are evil, and you need to be stopped.
At a hilltop house in Malibu, Desiree pulls up in a two-door sedan -- the sound of her unbuckling her seatbelt is really loud for some reason. Harrison greets her with the news that she is officially the Bachelorette, and she manages not to curl up in the fetal position and start sobbing uncontrollably. Harrison shows her around the house, and then she talks about what a "humbling" childhood she had, and I think we as humanity need to stop using the word "humbling" since we cannot be trusted to use it properly. Anyway, she felt blessed for everything she had and her parents have been together for more than thirty-five years, and she wants what they had.
She wants to find the man of her dreams. Well, her go-round on The Bachelor was such a success, no reason why she shouldn't re-up, right? We watch a montage from her season with Sean, during which Desiree says, essentially, she knew her relationship with Sean was over when, you know, he picked women OTHER THAN HER to stick around. And there she is, crying in the limousine of shame about how she wants to make someone happy. Make yourself happy first, damn. Harrison hands over the keys to a light blue Bentley convertible, and from the way Desiree's talking, she seems to think this is a permanent arrangement.
We watch endless shots of her driving, and then rollerskating in denim cutoffs and bikini top while some terrible song about being "crazy beautiful" plays. Look at her whimsically try on a pink cowboy hat! Look at her sketching palm trees on the beach! Look at her slide down a rock! Look at her scattering seagulls! How can you not love her? She's so completely unassuming!
Ugh, this is the worst time: The longest possible time before no Bachelorette.
"Starting tonight, my life is going to change forever," she tells us, and cackles at having men at her fingertips. Ah yes, the contestant who kids herself into thinking that this show is some sort of feminist manifesto.
Anyway, she sits down with Chris Harrison, and offers up banalities like "I love cuddling" and how when she loves, she goes all in. She sounds like she has modeled her life's philosophies on Lululemon shopping bags. He asks if there's a rulebook about guys making the first kiss, and she says if she wants to kiss a guy she'll go for it, and he praises her. What? Not in Eisenhower's America!
She gets ready for the parade of losers and burbles about how she never thought she'd have twenty-five amazing men waiting for her. And she will not for the love of Christ stop talking about fairytales. And she is CRYING ALREADY. It's going to be a long season.
Well, let's get to know these meatheads. Harrison oversteps his bounds by declaring that he speaks for everyone watching sincerely hopes Desiree meets her true love. What are the proportions of ironic/non-ironic audience on this show? At least half watch it ironically, right? I can't imagine anyone watching this sincerely.
Anyway, Harrison's already trotting out the "everyone here signed up because they want to have sex with this particular Bachelorette" (actually, my version is probably at least as true as his).
Bryden, 27, from Missoula, Mont. He's had one serious relationship, four or five years ago, and it broke his heart, so much so that he signed up for the military and went to Iraq in 2010. Jesus, I can only imagine the damage I might have inflicted in my early 20s with a broken heart and an M-16. That Cure "Boys Don't Cry" in my bedroom would have been in tatters. Now he likes to walk around Missoula with an assault rifle, apparently, and sit on park benches in camouflage clothing looking reflective. And the idea that everyone signed up for Desiree is blown out of the water on this first guy when Bryden in an interview finds out it is going to be Desiree (although to be fair, he is excited that that's who it will be).
Will, 28, is a Chicago banker who does Bikram yoga, unlike a lot of black guys, as he informs us. He also demands high-fives from strangers in the street, something I'm sure he totally does all the time when there isn't a camera crew following him around. "I love life!" he informs us. Is there anyone so tedious as the person who feels it necessary to declare that they "love life"? Well, maybe the ones on Facebook who write, "I love my life!" which manages to be tedious and smug. He also signed up not knowing it was going to be Desiree, but is similarly excited. "I LOVE THIS WOMAN!" he yells.
Drew, 27, from Scottsdale, Ariz. "I love my life here," he says. Well, there you go. But growing up here had "its trials." His parents divorced when he was eight, and his dad was an alcoholic, and his sister is severely mentally handicapped. But at least his family's personal struggles and challenges give him a backstory to share with a national audience and made him who he is!
Nick R., 26, is a tailor from Chicago. He wants you to know he's more than just "suit guy": He's also a magician. That gives him an edge, he thinks. He can definitely see Desiree being an assistant. That's some mighty big dreams he's got for Desiree!
There's Zak W, a shirtless drilling fluid engineer, whatever that is, from Texas, whatever that is. He used to work for a hedge fund but that didn't pan out and he decided to get into oil and gas. He has a hard time meeting women he likes because he wants someone who loves life as much as he does. He's so tiresome. Him and his carefully sculpted standup hair. Come on, "drilling fluid engineer?" Twenty bucks says he and his jackass buddies spent half an hour whether his occupation would be that or "hot beef injector."
There's a guy named Robert, 30, an "advertising entrepreneur" from L.A., who seems to want to take credit for inventing that thing where people stand on the side of a street and spin signs for the purpose of distracting drivers enough to crash (he has one for himself that says "Give Me The Rose"). He likes skateboarding, snowboarding, surfing and taking credit for things everyone hates. "All signs point to love," he says.
Mike, 27, from Dallas, is a dental student. He calls himself a "Renaissance man" because he's been in the air force and in dentistry. He was born and raised in London but, to his chagrin, has lost the accent. He's mostly upset because he thinks he'd be ass-deep in tail all day long if he still had it, apparently. He blames his workaholism for the fact that he's not married yet, and might want to consider that his massive ego might be a factor.
Brandon, 26, painting contractor, describes himself as an "adrenalin junkie." So I'm fast-forwarding, skipping over his sad story of divorced parents and addict mom for now. Something tells me it'll come up again. Unless he's eliminated tonight, in which case he talked about his addict mom on national television for nothing.
Finally we get to the limos. Desiree tells us she's so ready for love. "It's my time. It's definitely fun to be the belle of the ball." She steps out of her own limousine at the mansion, looking fantastic in a sparkly silver dress, and despite the fact that she herself has already done this show once before, she still calls it "surreal." And then she starts talking about her "fairytale" coming true, and there's really only going to be so many references to fairytales I can take.... well, zero, I guess.
The first limo arrives. It's Drew from Scottsdale, who seems shy and forgets to introduce himself until she asks his name. There's Brooks, 28, a marketing consultant from Salt Lake City. He says she looks stunning. He also forgets to introduce himself, and fesses up to being nervous. They hug, and he goes inside. Brad, 27, an accountant from Denver hugs her and references the wish she made in the fountain, and he brought a wishbone for them to share. She gets the bigger piece, and he gallantly says he hopes her wish comes true. Given this show still exists, the wishbone I had from the turkey at Easter was full of shit.
Here comes Bryden, the Iraq War veteran. He tells her Sean made a huge mistake in letting her come here. Presumably, once he broke up with her, he didn't have much say in the matter, right? Michael G., 33 -- grampa! -- is a federal prosecutor from Miami Beach. He escorts her on a short walk around the fountain and starts splashing through the fountain to try to find the one she threw in, since she deserves a do-over. It might have occurred to him that this isn't a shopping mall fountain where he can find hundreds. So he has to pull out a new penny for her to toss in.
New limo. Kasey, 29, an advertising executive from San Luis Obispo, tells her she looks gorgeous. "I looked you up and I saw all these amazing hashtags about you," he tells her, which qualifies for one of the stupidest, crack-smokingest things anyone has ever said on this show, but it only gets worse because he came up with some of his own, like #theperfectbachelorette and #marriagematerial and #letthejourneybegin. He came up with all of these in the last thirty seconds of the limo ride, right?
There's banker Will, demanding a high-five and a hug, and bestowing the nickname "Athena" on her because of wisdom or whatever. How that applies to someone who agrees twice to be on this show is beyond me.
Then there's Mikey T, 30, a plumbing contractor from Winfield, Ill. He tells her he comes from a close family, and is an older brother, and he gets where she comes from with her relationship to her cockblocking brother.
Jonathan, 26, is a lawyer from Hickory, N.C. How big is Hickory? Am I wrong for hoping he starts every summation with, "Now, I'm no big-city lawyer..."? He gives her a card that is a variation on Harrison's Overnight Date pimp card, suggesting she can forego the other men and proceed directly to the fantasy suite. "I'm not that kind of girl," she says, keeping it light, but Jonathan can tell his gimmick backfired in a big way.
And I'm sorry, Zak is getting out of the limo shirtless? Are we supposed to take him seriously? Did he ride there shirtless? How uncomfortable must that have been for everyone else in the limo? I'm really curious about the logistics of the whole thing.
"Did you forget something?" she says, laughing. "I know you had a lot invested in Sean, and I know he had great abs," he starts off. Always a good move to remind a potential love interest about how terribly her last relationship went, right? "Will you accept these abs?" he says. Dear GOD I hope this guy is gone by the end of the episode. But he'll probably get the first-impression rose, won't he? Zak oozes into the house, where he tells the horror-struck men that the shirt is gone for the night. It also says a lot about Zak that he seems to think that, if Desiree did have a lot invested in Sean, that abs were the main reason why.
up: Advertising executive James, 27, from Chicago. He tells her that loyalty is love, and he's going to get old and fat but what's most important is loyalty. I hate to draw inferences from this guy being from Chicago, but ... is he warning her not to snitch?
Larry, 34, is a bespectacled ER doctor from Berkeley who teaches her a dance move, since he loves to dance. Then he dips her, and she almost rips her dress. So that could have gone better. He curses -- audibly, apparently -- on his way into the house.
Tailor/magician Nick R is , and he tells her she looks dazzling, and then burns a paper rose and transforms it into a real white rose.
Then there's Zack K., 28, a book publisher from Newport Beach. He wears a tuxedo, but pairs it with sneakers, I presume so we know he's no corporate sellout or anything. She compliments the Chucks, and he says he tries to not be too fancy. Look, I have probably six pairs of Chucks in my front porch right now, but I know when it's OK not to wear them, Zack. You're 28! She pretends to like it, which is nice of her.
The contestant seems to have a little difficulty getting out of the limo, and that's because he's wearing a suit of armor. This is Diogo, 29, a ski resort manager from Lake Tahoe. He doesn't need to explain that he's her knight in shining armor, but he does anyway, and she giggles. Put a different helmet on, I think he could be a Cylon. And maybe it's a lesson to other potential contestants: Don't let your gimmick make you all sweaty when you meet the Bachelorette for the first time. He draws some applause from the other men when he enters the mansion, but some seem unimpressed. Zack K., for instance, is all, "A suit of armor? Come on." But Zack doesn't wear grown-up shoes with a tuxedo, so take his dismissiveness for what it's worth. Jonathan also dismisses the guy for waxing his eyebrows. "A girl's either going to like it, or she's going to be like, 'Holy [bleep], that guy waxes his eyebrows, definitely don't want to hang out with him ever again." Tell me, Jonathan, what would that particular woman say about a man who notices when other men wax their eyebrows?
Chris Harrison comes out for the mid-Douchebag Parade pep talk, and asks if it's weird to see guys jump through hoops for her. It is, but she likes it, she says.
First out of the limo is Chris, 27, a mortgage broker from Seattle. He gets down on one knee and pretends like he's going to propose but instead asks if it's OK if he ties his shoe. Oh, what fun we have with japes and tomfoolery!
Dental student and all-around Renaissance man Mike R is up , and he puts on his dental ... jacket? Cloak? Costume? ... and says he'll be her McDreamy and/or McSteamy tonight, and ABC must love this sort of cross-promotion.
Robert the arrow-spinning inventor slouches his way over, declares he's not much of a "tie guy" and pulls it off and tosses it in the garden. Desiree jokingly asks if he's going to take more off, but he shuffles off into the mansion, having demonstrated enough insouciance and non-conformity for now, thank you.
Juan Pablo, 31, is a former pro soccer player from Miami (Venezuela originally), and Desiree has a bizarrely hard time pronouncing his name. He gives her a piece of chocolate, and we listen to flamenco music because Venezuela, Spain, what's the difference?
Ugh, and here comes Brandon, the adrenalin junkie, and he's on a motorcycle because of course he is. I'm ignoring him some more, except for the part where Desiree compliments his bike and he says he'll have to get a two-seater. Brandon -- and this is a line of thinking common for a lot of the men here -- doesn't seem to consider the possibility of Desiree riding her own motorcycle.
New limo. Final limo? I've lost count. I started scratching a line on the wall for each bachelor, but I got confused and now I fear this episode will never end. Brian, 29, is a financial advisor from Baltimore. She compliments the softness of his jacket. He says he does "the suit thing" every day at work, so he wanted to do something a little different. If by different you mean "looking nicer for work than when you're trying to impress your potential soul mate," sure.
Micah, 32, is a law student from Denver who appears to be wearing Gryffindor track pants and a blue jacket with letters stuck on it that say "Designed by this guy." He says he was inspired to design his own suit because she designed her own red dress. After he leaves, she's all, "Think I'll do the sewing." Yeah, that's about what every guy so far is thinking too, Desiree.
Investment advisor Nick M, 27, from Charlotte wrote her a poem. Like the worst poetry, it forces rhymes at the expense of rhythm, so I won't commit it to print here. "Thank you for that! I love poetry!" says Desiree, who cannot possibly sincerely mean both statements.
Then there's a Dan! Yay! He's 30, and a "beverage sales director" from Las Vegas. Does that mean bartender?
Finally, Ben, 28, an entrepreneur from Dallas, spares us the tired plot of "When do I reveal I have a kid?" by shoving the cute li'l tyke out of this limo in a suit that matches his own. The kid is adorable and Desiree coos appropriately. Ben explains that Brody is his best friend and partner in crime. Brody gives Desiree the flower he's holding, and then asks his dad, "Daddy, did I do everything? I gave her the flower." Ben gives him to his grandmother, still in the limo. "I wish I could go to the party. 'Cause that would be so much fun with Dad," says Brody. Aw. Well, if you're going to exploit your kids to impress a woman, they'd better be cute. Desiree seems touched by it and not at all manipulated!
"That really melted my heart," she tells Harrison, when he comes out to blessedly announce all the jackasses have arrived (side note: I don't believe there is a single blond. We actually have more black guys than blonds!). He asks if her husband is in that group. Shocker: She believes he is!
And thanks to Sean the trailblazer, Desiree is free to hand out roses as she sees fit throughout the evening. Wow, The Bachelor franchise is slowly descending into anarchy. The men have already noticed the tray of roses. Kasey says the competition seems stiff, "But Desiree's worth the fight. #iwantarose." Is ... is he going to keep doing this hashtag bit?
The men stand and applaud Desiree when she arrives. She thanks them for being here, since she's been in their shoes -- taking time away from friends, family and work. She is actually making this seem more depressing, not less. Then she toasts their faces and "hot bodies."
Then the jockeying for position begins, with Nick the magician announcing he's going to perform an amazing illusion, but then pisses everyone off by copping out with "I'm going to make Desiree disappear for five minutes." "That's the worst magician I've ever seen!" yells Larry the ER doctor, who nevertheless gives Nick props for making the first move. He's there for a minute before Adrenalin Junkie swoops in to steal her away and tell Desiree all about his mom's battle for sobriety, and gives her his mom's sobriety token or whatever and says he wants her to give it back on a hometown date.
I'm a little curious to know a little more about Ben's situation, since he was never married and says it was really "Two friends having a baby." Like that awful movie Friends with Kids? Ben gets the first rose. He acknowledges that maybe his secret weapon Brody wasn't fair to the other guys. Then again, one of those guys isn't currently wearing a shirt, so shining a laser pointer on a wall is probably not fair to the other guys, either.
The other guys start picking his brain as to how he got one so early. Ben wisely says nothing that women love a nice guy who appears to be a good father, and talks instead of how they just talked honestly and blah blah blah. Kasey isn't impressed. Stupid Ben thinks he's the frontrunner, just because he has a rose and literally no one else does. Brooks whines about how she spoke to Ben before he did, but didn't get a rose.
Guys get desperate. Someone tells Desiree he named a star after her: Desorion. Shirtless Zak strips to his underwear, and that fucking Kasey guy yells "#shrinkage!" And then Desiree walks off with some other guy, and Zak seems disheartened to learn that the rest of the guys don't want a pool party right now with a bunch of other guys. He plaintively calls for a towel. Then, unfortunately, his ridiculousness earns him a flower, anyway -- don't encourage him! -- and she pins it on his pants anyway.
What else? Bryden offers the brilliant insight that if Desiree doesn't like him, he won't get a rose. He tells her a story of helping a kid in Iraq. That probably goes over better than any civilian-casualties stories he may have, and she's so impressed with his adorableness and nervousness and gives him a rose.
Desiree is practically having Juan Pablo's babies already, based on his accent alone. He gives her a little soccer lesson in the courtyard, and quickly draws a crowd. A game breaks out because nothing makes you stand out like doing the same thing that other guys are doing.
This guy Drew gets a rose. ER doctor Larry makes things even worse by appearing bored when he talks to Desiree. Jonathan, who sounds drunk, decides that his fantasy suite invitation didn't go badly enough -- he wants to up the ante by getting her alone and kissing her. This sours when she is reluctant to go anywhere alone with him, and they sit down on a bench instead, where he awkwardly talks about how he's nothing like her last boyfriend. Desiree is completely put off. Then he fails to take note of her obvious discomfort when she wants to leave, and he's left to go mope in the fantasy suite by himself. "My love tank has not been depleted for years," he says. Ugh.
So he pulls her aside again and tries to take her to his love dungeon, and she has to actually tell him that he's making her uncomfortable, and good thing Kasey's nearby, ready to step in and sap Jonathan of his will to live by yelling hashtags at him. "#fantasysuitefail, Jonathan," he says. You know, I don't often wish actual physical harm on people? But I find myself not hating the idea of this guy getting punched in the mouth.
Desiree, to her credit, tells Jonathan not even to wait for the Rose Ceremony and asks him to leave now. "He did not seem like he was there for the right reasons," she says. I don't know that "copious amounts of free booze" is the only reason, but it's not a wrong reason.
Desiree comes back inside and the remaining men applaud her for sending the potential rapist home, and then Harrison comes in to say this shows how serious Desiree takes this, and how she expects to be treated, instead of perhaps reflecting on how terrible a screening process this show has. He takes the tray of remaining roses, and the men sit around looking miserable. Brandon is confused because he is feeling feelings other than adrenalin right now, and it would be amazing to get a rose.
Rose Ceremony! I haven't listed all the guys who have roses yet, mainly because I don't know everyone's names yet. I don't think Harrison does either, since he also doesn't list them all. By this season, Harrison's like a farmer who doesn't name the animals because they're going to be killed at some point. Of note: Zak has totally committed to the shirtless thing, and remains so here. Is that a Rose Ceremony first?
Anyway, here's who get roses here: Brandon. Zach K. Will. Brooks. Juan Pablo. Brad. Kasey. Kasey? GodDAMMit. James. Robert. Brian. Dan. High-five! Chris. Final rose -- Desiree has several sweaty-looking men left to pick from -- goes to Mikey. So going home are Nick the tailor-magician, Larry the ER doctor, Diogo the armor-wearer.
Larry says it's embarrassing to go home early. I always find it strange when a Bachelor/ette contestant reveals him- or herself to actually be aware of the concept of shame, you know? He seems to think it was because of the dip, and not because he was super awkward. He says he practiced the dip fifty times, and only two people had any problem. On the plus side, at least now we know what it would look like Johnny Depp and Miami Vice-era Edward James Olmos had a baby.
Nick says he has more to offer than "probably more than half those dudes in there, at least." Then the guy who did magic tricks and kept talking about magic whines that he's more than just a magician. Diogo seems suicidal. Wait, he's OK: "I have, like, an explosion of love and feelings and good things here to share with someone," he says. Also, Micah is done, but he doesn't even get an exit interview, depriving us of hearing him say, "In hindsight, pasting letters on my self-designed suit might not have been the way to make me stand out." I think Renaissance Dentist Mike is also gone.
Then we get a long preview of the season, ninety per cent of which is either Desiree crying or guys rubbing their temples in exasperation. Sounds about right. And Dad Ben is being cast as this season's villain. It looks like punches will be thrown. Assuming it doesn't turn out to be, like, a group date where they practice movie stunts, thumbs-up from me!
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. If he were a single dad, he'd probably deploy his kid as a charm offensive too -- just not on national television. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.