Emily. "Jef." Arie. Chris Harrison and live studio audience of people who sadly don't appear to have any place more important to be. Let's do this. Home stretch, people. Home stretch.
Harrison strolls out -- he's single, ladies! -- and welcomes us all, to Los Angeles. He says everyone hopes Emily will find true love tonight. As usual, he mistakes "watching The Bachelorette" for "giving a shit about the Bachelorette," but he wouldn't be a good host if made fun of the show like everyone else does.
And then he references the shooting at the theatre in Colorado and urges everyone to do everything they can to help. Well, AFTER the three hours, obviously. Ugh, good job reminding the audience about things that actually matter. Here's hoping everyone feels sufficiently guilty for wasting time on this show.
But enough about that! We're off to Willemsted, Curaçao. Emily claims to not know who her "guy" is, but she's got a nice little villa rented, and she has a Ricki reunion, like this kid has a passport that's fuller than mine is.
Also, her family has come out to Curaçao for moral support. She greets them at their estate, and says she thinks they'll be surprised to find out she's in love with two different guys. I'd say so, given that that's clearly bullshit.
So "Jef" shows up first, wearing a T-shirt and -- what are those, sweat pants? THANKS FOR DRESSING UP, "JEF." He hopes that her family will be warm and open to him when they see how much he loves Emily, or whatever.
So he meets the family and then sits down with mom Suzy for a chat -- you know, the chat where a family decides they can tell the content of a person's character just because he knows the right answer to easy questions like "Do you have any doubts?" and "Are you ready to be a father?" What would he possibly say? "Yeah, I'm not usually into chicks with kids, but Emily's got a great rack, so here I am"? Suzy tells us they seem like a good fit and he makes her happy. You know, just like Brad!
And now Emily's brother Ernie wants to talk to "Jef," and Ernie talks about how close he and Emily are, and how hard it was to see her go through the pain she went with Brad, like not even her own family can go FIVE DAMN MINUTES without bringing up Brad Womack. And then Ernie and "Jef" talk about love and pain and "Jef" says he's completely smitten by her. "She's the best thing that ever happened." Not just to him. But EVER. Ernie very tersely tells "Jef" he likes the cut of his jib, essentially.
And then the all-important blessing from the father! "Jef" hopes Dave thinks "Jef" is worthy of his daughter, which means to starts babbling at Dave about how much he loves Emily, and Dave is all, "Sold!" right away, and says its obvious Emily cares about him.
Having secured Emily's hand (the dowry is not discussed), Emily walks him out and talks about how awesome it went, and then kisses him goodbye.
Chris Harrison says there are a lot of "Jef" fans in the audience, and those morons dutifully applaud, but we shouldn't count out Arie just yet (applause from those idiots).
So we watch Arie strolling up to meet Emily to tell him not to be nervous, and she tells she's so crazy about Arie, because she's contractually obligated to pretend to be in love with two men. Dave, Emily's father, says he was really impressed with "Jef" so he doesn't know why they're even bothering with another guy.
And then we watch some excruciating small talk with Arie trying to chat with Dave about fishing, and you can't convince me that ALL conversations this show records doesn't have painful moments like this, but they're just choosing to show us Arie's.
And then Emily's family is won over when he gives her a box of dead flowers, aka all the roses that she gave him. And now Emily's mom is blown away because she loves both guys. And then Emily's brother, who comes off like Josh Brolin playing George W. Bush REALLY dumb, wants to know if Arie's in this to win it or if he's in it for Emily. And Arie speaks for five hours instead of just saying, "I love Emily." I mean he's talking about dating a single mother. And Ernie tells us that after talking to Arie, he's confused, which draws laughter from the audience, but he means that he doesn't know what to tell his sister to do. Nothing, because you're not the boss of her?
And now Dave tells Arie about Emily being a single mom early, and it's going to take a stronger-than-average man to be a father for Ricki, whatever that's supposed to mean. Arie tells him he can't imagine what it's like to lose Emily, like WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, and then Arie asks for his blessing, and there is a long silence before Dave finally talks about Emily being the love of his life, which is a "dadgum good place to start" and then gives Arie his permission, and now Arie and Emily are making out before saying goodbye. "
At the end of the day, they're two great guys who anybody would be lucky to have," she says, and then she trots back off into the Maynardplex and we get a little closer to the sweet release of post-Bachelorette. And I'd just like to say that as the father of a daughter, should there come a time where some douchebag asks me for my blessing, I will say that it's up to my daughter, but if TWO DOUCHEBAGS ask me for my blessing, I will suggest all three of them work their shit out first and leave me alone with my whisky.
And now Emily is telling us the best-case scenario is that her family tells her which guy to marry, and every single one of her useless relatives tell her not that IT'S UP TO HER but that THESE GUYS ARE BOTH SO AWESOME THAT THEY CAN'T CHOOSE EITHER.
And Dave tells her that he doesn't believe you can be in love with two people at the same time, and Emily is all, "I know" and Dave nails her by telling her that that means she's in love with one of them but not the other, and Emily is all, "Well, we've got two hours to fill" and starts blathering about how you can love people in different ways, and now she is pissed at her family for not telling her who to marry.
And now Emily is crying during an interview because it's been a long day and her family is telling her as diplomatically as possible that this show is all bullshit, and because they can't pick just one guy, she's not sure any guy is right for her, or something. It's hard to pay attention, because I'm busy setting up the net of balloons in my living room that will drop when The Bachelorette is over.
And we are reduced to Chris Harrison asking them who's best for Emily, and there are CLEARLY more cheers for "Jef" than Arie, but Harrison bullshits that it's split down the middle.
And now she's having breakfast with Ricki and feeling appropriately guilty about using her daughter as a prop on this awful television show. Or, as she puts it, she's not sure about introducing Ricki to these two guys.
So she and "Jef" meet up on a blanket on a beach and "Jef" asks her what she's been thinking about, and she says, "A lot," and he says, "Like what?" and she says "A lot a lot," like CAN WE PICK UP THE FUCKING PACE A LITTLE? Somebody says "stress" and somebody says "amazing" and then he points out he hasn't met Ricki yet, and Emily is pretending that she might not bring Ricki out, like we're supposed to be impressed that "Jef"'s semi-coherent ramblings about being a good father are enough to win her over, and Emily refers to her "guilty conscious" [sic] and then the minor-key piano chords give way to tentatively triumphant guitar strumming as Emily says she wants "Jef" to meet Ricki, like that wasn't going to happen all along. And of course part of her fear, as usual, is the completely-understandable "Brad Womack is an asshole" excuse, which I think we can all get behind.
And now that Emily has decided to introduce "Jef" to Ricki, she won't shut up about how weird it would be to accept a proposal from someone who HADN'T met Ricki, like NO KIDDING.
And Ricki is swimming in a pool and "Jef" gives her an awkward high-five, and Emily makes Ricki perform tricks for him. "Jef" says meeting his girlfriend's kid is "surreal" like THERE'S a word that has been completely destroyed by idiot reality television show contestants, and meanwhile "Jef" is STILL making awkward small talk with Ricki, And Ricki invites him into the pool, and he's really impressed with himself for hitting it off so well with Ricki, and Emily is convinced "Jef" would be "the best dad" and "the best husband".
And then they spend five hours talking about Cheetos, and "Jef" asks about the marionettes they played with, and EMILY NEVER EVEN GAVE RICKI HER MARIONETTE. "Jef" is too busy indulging the family fantasy thing to notice. "Today was a huge hurdle to jump over," he says, and he'd better hope Emily never hears him referring to Ricki as a "hurdle." She's a blessing, godddamit! And Emily is saying that today went so well that "everything" she "went through" over the last few months was worth it. Just to be clear: "everything she went through" was a series of glamorous dates in breathtaking locales around the world, on someone else's dime. Keep your chin up, Emily. You're the real hero.
And now there is an evening date, the purpose of which appears to be to reminisce about how awesome the other dates were, or something. I mean, I have gone on ACTUAL DATES that didn't last as long as the time we've spent watching "Jef" and Emily. And now they are making out, and then "Jef" gives Emily a gift, which is a book about Curaçao because they took a big step in their relationship there, or something. That was a few weeks ago, right? I don't even remember anymore. And it turns out that "Jef" has ruined the damn book by scribbling stick figures of him and Emily in all these beautiful pictures, and Emily loves it instead of getting mad that he drew her with one massive boob instead of two massive boobs. And she jokes that it's like Where's Waldo, because let's be honest, it's not like Emily's going to draw any parallels to classic Russian literature or anything. And then Emily leaves or something, I forget.
And now we are back live with the audience o' losers, and Chris Harrison is asking an audience member named "Paisley" I SWEAR TO GOD why Emily digs "Jef" so much and this person who has never met "Jef" says he's "genuine" and then there's a mother weighing in that a man loving you for you is better than a "hot pair of jeans" or something, and then someone says she hopes Emily chooses Arie so the rest of America can have "Jef."
And now we're watching Harrison show up at Emily's villa for a chat about how she knows that "Jef" is everything she's looking for. Chris says he couldn't be happier for her, but there's Arie, so what do they do? Uh, tell him she loves "Jef"? No, first we're going to have to cry about how hard dumping Arie will be on HER. She decides that as much as she loves Arie, she's just in love with someone a little bit more. So romantic!
Then she sobs and I think we're all supposed to feel sorry for, but of everything that Emily has done that I might feel sympathy for her, none of it has happened during her two seasons of this show. My god, you guys, how could she possibly know how to break up with someone? Something that she's done to only twenty-three other guys already this season?
"My heart is broken," Emily tells us, because she needs to say goodbye to a guy she doesn't really love in favor of a guy she does love.
Meanwhile, Arie is strolling up to "Dinah's Botanic and Historic Garden," where he's greeted by Dinah herself! (I assume.) She tells him they make all kinds of love potions and love oils. So ... lubricants? "It's beautiful here," says Arie, kinda condescendingly, given that the place actually looks quite rundown. He tells us that tomorrow he's getting engaged, and he rambles some more about his nervousness and love or whatever, and then Emily's SUV pulls up all ominous to the point that you're thinking, "Holy shit, is this going to be an ACTUAL DRIVE-BY" and she gets out all glum and scowly and wiping away tears but being careful that her French manicure doesn't gouge her own eyes out.
And he obliviously tells her about the love-potion he made, and she plays along until she can't take it anymore and gets him to sit down so she can start bawling and sobbing about how she doesn't know what do and how she never thought she'd have to make a choice between him and anybody, not that she ever actually explains WHY things have changed. "I don't want you to think it's because of anything you did or didn't do. You really are, like, everything," she says, and then she sniffles and sobs some more. And there's only so much "I don't know what to say" Arie can take before he unceremoniously kisses her on the cheek and gets up to go.
Of course, Emily is heartbroken that he's, you know, hurt and confused by this. Doesn't he know how hard it is for her to break up with him? He tells her he doesn't think he can give her the kind of goodbye she wants, and thanks her for at least sparing him the embarrassment of tomorrow (i.e. proposing to her, only to be rejected). The SUV drives off, leaving Emily sniffling and completely unsympathetic.
Arie is confused, he feels stupid. "It's just unreal that it's over," he says. From the beginning, he tells us, it was always just him and her, and I think early episodes back him up -- he seemed miles ahead of anyone else. After a shot of Emily looking forlorn, we go back to the studio audience, which looks like they just witnessed an actual snuff film, and Harrison talks about how this clearly has deeply affected the studio audience, which is more of a comment on the mental health of the audience members than proof of how emotional this breakup actually was. Somehow we go to commercial without "Candle in the Wind" playing.
Fortunately, trauma counselors were apparently deployed during the commercial break, because somehow the audience has found the strength to applaud. And here are Ashley and J.P., who are apparently people who were once on this show but managed not to end up hating each other, and Harrison says Ashley was once "literally" in Emily's shoes, so let's just put the television on mute for a minute or so, OK? Ashley blathers about how no one can know how tough it is until you're there, like breaking up with someone on television is so much more special than anyone else doing it. And J.P. can't imagine what that was like for her. Or for him! Thanks, J.P.!
And here's Deanna, who I guess was part of the "Brad double-dump," which is a phrase I don't want ever to hear again, and she's pissed because she didn't get the courtesy of being dumped beforehand. Unmentioned: the fact that she made her rejected finalist actually get down on one knee BEFORE breaking up with him.
And now there is someone named Michael and someone named Ashley and they all have things to say along the lines of "Thank you for having me on television again."
And here's Emily writing in a journal or some damn thing, while we watch a montage of all the fun times she's had. She's really excited to tell "Jef" that not only is he the only guy who got to meet Ricki, he's the only person here today. Jesus, only on The Bachelor/ette is it romantic to tell someone that he's no longer in direct competition with other guys.
"Jef" is going ring-shopping, so he visits some guy who shows him samples and talks about how the ring really cements the deal. "I know we're perfect together," says "Jef." Yeah, they get that a lot on The Bachelorette. He picks one out, and the jeweler praises it, like he always does, and then "Jef" goes for a walk on the beach while wearing pants apparently made out of Smurf-skin.
And here's everyone getting ready, Emily trowelling her eye makeup on and "Jef" arranging every single hair strand by strand, both of them providing annoying voiceovers about what's going to happen. Emily's not sure if she'll be able to accept a proposal from "Jef" so you should definitely STAY TUNED.
Emily's wearing some sort of dusty-peach dress while "Jef" has some kind British mobster-or-secret-agent suit on. Instead of the usual setup by the sea, this show appears to have commandeered a town courtyard. Harrison guides "Jef" in, and he walks the steps up the platform to Emily, and they kiss and hug and compliment each other briefly before Emily says, "Well..." drawing laughter from the audience because it sounded like she was saying "Well?" to "Jef" when in reality she was just getting her speech underway and took a long pause, probably because they had to get the cue cards in place off-screen.
Anyway, she tells him he's everything she's waited for for so long, and he's her soul mate, and she loves him, and she didn't even date Arie yesterday (that's so sweet! I'm pretty sure my wife didn't date one of her other boyfriends the day before I proposed either!). And now "Jef" is talking and saying inane things too. "I think God puts the right people in our lives when the timing is just right," says "Jef." God or ABC, right? "I'm so in love with you," he says, adding that if she lets him into her and Ricki's lives, they'll never feel lonely again.
Then he gets down on one knee to propose, and since she dumped Arie they had to go with the "will I accept 'Jef''s proposal?" storyline but obviously that was bullshit, and she says "yes" of course and there is applause from the audience and then that ear-bleeding song from Karate Kid II by Peter Cetera kicks in over a montage of Emily and "Jef" because they will be married forever and ever, and now Ricki is there, and the three of them all walk out of our lives forever. Oh, wait. There's still After the Final Rose.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Seriously, don't ask MY permission to marry her. Ask her yourself! Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.