Welcome to Curacao! Crystal blue waters and promotional footage of an American Airlines plane landing! This is where horny bachelorettes wear summer dresses whilst standing at the prow of a boat speeding her through the waters to wherever she's going to decide to bang them, or not (but whatever happens, this show will completely insinuate she bangs them all, you watch).
The three guys left are Sean, "Jef," and Arie, so these are probably the only guys whose blood tests came back clean. She likes Sean because he's a football player, or something. She figures that Sean will be there for her no matter what, if they get married. "And I love that about him," she says.
And then the electric-guitar-lite kicks in as we watch Jimmy Reardon, aka "Jef" roll up on his skateboard, and it's hard for the show to present "Jef" as the edgy rebel when he's less threatening (yet pulling the same shtick) as Marty McFly from nearly thirty years ago. Also, his family owns Utah and can shoot skeets, so that's how we know he'll be a good father. And then there's Arie, who is a race-ar driver and will likely not be home very much, and that's what anyone wants in a father. Emily says Arie brings out the youthfulness in her. Emily is 26 YEARS OLD, not YODA, for god's sake. From the tears in her eyes as she takes about how Arie would love her forever, it seems pretty clear -- as it has from the get-go -- that there is Arie, and there is Everybody Else, so we're wasting time even more than usual with this show.
But ooh, the minor-key music starts up while we listen to Emily pretend she's conflicted about who to choose. "I'm still a girl who wants that fairytale ending," she says. She might actually be a YOUNG 26 years old.
Sean gets the coveted First Sex Date. They meet each other on a beach, and Emily says she Sean is the only one who hasn't told her how he feels yet. So it makes total sense he's one of the top three, right? Actually, she just means he hasn't said "I love you" as opposed to "I'm falling for you" or "I can definitely see myself starting to fall in love" or whatever. I mean, only this show would hold it against a guy for not busting out "I love you" for a woman when she is dating TWO OTHER GUYS WHO HAVE SAID THE SAME THING.
They take a helicopter to their own private island. Emily wants to know more about his abs and other qualities that would make him a good husband. They sit on a blanket on the beach and reminisce about the hometown date, and the only thing I can think of more boring than last week's hometown dates is TALKING about last week's hometown dates.
And now we are talking about things that his family told her. But it's not anything interesting like "He is a classically trained pianist" or "He is a werewolf" or anything, but how he used to have a girlfriend who wanted to get married and he didn't want to, or something fucking stupid like that. They have a talk about feelings and hiding feelings, and Sean admits to holding back on his feelings and all, but reminds her that he's told her he's crazy about her. Well, we still haven't seen him running around Curacao yelling "Emily!" yet, so how are we supposed to know how he really feels? Sean's going home tonight.
Instead of saying, "I love you," Sean wants to go snorkeling. Shut up, Emily, he can say "I love you" any damn time. Still, she's not giving up! She thinks she can wrangle it out of him at dinner tonight.
And then their dinner is the same stupid shit about how Emily has difficulty reading him. It could be the same damn conversation, it's just darker out. He tells her that he doesn't want her to worry about how his life will fit in. He says "your life" so she quickly says "It's not just me, it's Ricky and I's," but I'd like to point out that "your" works as the second-person plural so it's a little self-centered to assume he was only talking about her, plus, for the love of everything holy, "I's" is not a word!
Sean reads a letter to Ricki that doesn't make me roll my eyes for an hour straight AT ALL or anything, and now he is talking about how he can't stop thinking about her and he can't imagine being without her, and all those things are very nice but she's not going anywhere until he finally says "I'm falling in love with you" and in case you were wondering if Sean has a shadow of a doubt? He does NOT have a shadow of a doubt.
And now she is giving him the Chris Harrison pimp card, and Sean accepts, carefully saying he would love to stay up and talk to her and she agrees that she wants to spend every minute with him and nothing more. OK, we get it, you're not going to have sex. WINK. Well, in this case it's probably true, because Emily's in love with Arie and "Jef" is probably just going to want to play PS3 all night long.
And now they are in a hot tub making out, and Emily tells us that Sean is so hot and so manly, so every fiber in her heart and (probably) boobs tells her to stay the night, but her head says no.
And then she is kissing Sean goodnight, and her reasoning is that she's a mom, and it would go against everything she believes in -- she's against premarital sex now? -- and she wants to set a good example for her daughter, which is weird to hear from something who decided to come on The Bachelorette.
And now it's time for "Jef" to spend some time with Emily. He's one-hundred percent that he wants to be with her, but he's not one-hundred percent that it's going to work out. Yes, the presence of two other men does seem to constitute an obstacle.
They are going to spend the day on a boat, and "Jef" seems to find the presence of a boat "amazing" -- it's an island country, "Jef" -- and now they are on a boat but you can barely hear the inanities they are spewing at each other over the wind. He says his parents now want to meet her after hearing about Emily from his fifty brothers and parents. And then he says "I love parents" and "I love hanging out with parents" like WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT and now she is talking about how she could keep him out of trouble and how he can get her INTO trouble sometimes, which constitutes some kind of balance or something. I don't know, maybe "Jef" is going home tonight. He won't see it coming, because he seems some kind of "masterpiece being painted," and I think if anyone is painting a picture of what's going on here, it's Hieronymus Bosch. He prattles on about how the sun is setting, but his life with Emily is just starting.
At some point, it becomes dinnertime. "Jef" tells us the only thing he doesn't know about Emily is what it's like to spend time with her and Ricki, which means he's going to score some more sensitive points with Emily at dinner by asking about her. He refreshingly asks her where she'd want to live. Somewhat unsurprisingly, she says she doesn't expect him to move to Charlotte, but she'd be happy to move to Salt Lake City, because that's where he is.
His question is tougher: She seems to attract amazing guys, so why doesn't it work out with them? I don't understand anything she says in response, but I don't think she's speaking fully coherent sentences anyway. Then she asks him the same question, and he says something about not being able to "see the end goal" until her, and he can't imagine anyone being more perfect for each other than they are. And now they are kissing, and I know I've been assuming Arie is the eventual winner, but I could be swayed by "Jef." I never would have thought he'd last this long. And now he is asking Emily if she thinks he would be a good fit for Ricki as a dad. Really, the fact that he's asking the question is probably enough for Emily. But surprise, surprise, the answer is yes anyway.
And then out comes the pimp card. "Jef" says it would be awesome to forego their individual rooms, but her daughter's going to be watching this -- RICKI'S GOING TO WATCH THIS? -- and his family's going to be watching this, and yadda yadda yadda, so he's not going to bone her tonight. Emily talks a lot of shit about how thankful she is he thinks that way, and how she knew he would be a gentleman, but all of a sudden I'm confused: Is she required to give these guys the card? Ah, it's all revealed when she says she wants "Jef" to get all horndog on her and want to take her up on it so she could turn him down. And then they are all blue-balls making out with each other in some kind of damn treehouse hotel. "Jef" is the second of three guys she's going to do this with this week, but THANK GOD SHE'S TRYING TO SET AN EXAMPLE.
And now it is Arie's turn. He tells us that he fell for her on their first date, and all he can think about is getting to propose to her. But first they got a whole lotta tonsil hockey to play, while they take a boat out to play with dolphins. Arie knows nothing about dolphins except that they're friendly and that's good, or some thing. Dolphins are also smarter than many humans, including a hundred percent of Bachelor/ette casts. And Emily finds it sweet that Arie is protecting her from getting murdered by a dolphin, which shows her what a good dad he would be. And not even JUMPING DOLPHINS can keep these two horndogs from making out.
There is footage of kissing. There is talking about kissing. It is ninety-nine percent less interesting than this show seems to think it is. And now Emily is talking about how much she's going to want to bang Arie tonight because of what a good kisser he is, essentially.
It's dinnertime, so now -- an hour before Emily's going to invite him to sleep with her -- it's a good time for her to find out if they have more than just chemistry going on. So they talk about his mundane day-to-day shit that I won't bore you with.
And he has some questions of his own: like where are they going to live, how's it all going to work. She doesn't have all the answers (except, naturally, that he gets to decide where they're going to live. But fair enough, I guess, given she doesn't have a job or anything). He seems sweaty and drunk. He talks about how good he is with kids and he wants to show that side to her, so he asks her what her expectations are. Emily wants someone to love Ricki as much as her real dad would. Arie: blah blah blah. Emily: blah blah blah. Whatever, sweaty drunk Arie would be a good dad, Emily feels. An now they are kissing, and I'm kinda surprised her lips didn't just slide right off his sweaty face.
And now she is talking about how badly she wants to sleep with him, but she wants to SET AN EXAMPLE and all, so she's not going to even GIVE him the card, because she doesn't trust herself not to fuck him tonight. And now she is blubbering in an interview about how hard it's going to be to give up one of these three guys, which does not fall into any category of REAL-LIFE PROBLEM that I can think of.
And now she is meeting with Chris Harrison for the fourth overnight date. Oh, sorry! No, she's going to sit down and rehash everything we've seen and whine about having to date one fewer guy than she was a few days ago. Christ, this is always death.
She had three perfect dates, she tells Harrison, so she doesn't have any more clarity as to who she's letting go tonight. She talks about following her heart and that sort of bullshit. The only upside is that there's plenty of time to fix myself another drink.
Oh lord, Harrison is introducing the personal video messages from her three idiots that she can watch whenever she's ready to contemplate cutting one of them loose. The more she talks about how hard it is to let them go, the more I'm convinced she's saddest about her time on television coming to an end, as well as show-financed dream vacations. I'm trying to imagine someone whose tears I feel less empathy for and I can't come up with anyone.
We listen to her blubber as she looks at framed photographs of guys and watches their cliché-ridden videos while we watch Chris Harrison welcome them all to the final Rose Ceremony of the season. Sean says he's head over heels with her and he loves her and he doesn't want her to forget that. "Jef" is happy they've been able to take this journey together. He recaps their awesome dates together and promises to keep her cheeks sore. From laughing so much, you perverts! Emily wipes away a tear. Arie talks about Dollywood and how well they fit together, and his huge crush turned into love underneath the blanket under the London sky, etc. etc. etc. They all say they love her, and Sean and "Jef" talk about how they look forward to a life with her and Ricki. Arie doesn't mention Ricki, which seems kinda fatal.
Emily is still crying over the intimidating responsibility that is breaking someone's heart like she's about to do. "I don't want to hurt anybody, and I don't want to make the wrong choice," she whines. You'll recall, while Emily sobs and tries to protect her makeup, that no one is FORCING her to be here.
And now Emily DOES know who she's saying goodbye to tonight, but she's worried that she's making the wrong choice tonight. Is she saying goodbye to everything she's ever wanted? Everything she's ever prayed for? God's like, "Fuck, like I don't have anything better to do than listening to Emily Maynard's problems."
Chris Harrison explains to the three dingbats left that two is a smaller number than three, and since there are two roses left, that means one of them is going home tonight. And now Emily comes out to prattle on about how she can't believe they're here or whatever. It must make each guy feel so special when she says that she can see a fairytale ending with all three of them.
But let's get on with it! She picks up the first rose and twirls it around because we still have TWO HOURS to fill. Eventually, she says "Jef," who gladly accepts. And we are spared Harrison coming out to explain there's only one rose left. Emily picks it up, and eventually says "Arie." Sean looks gutted. And stubbly.
Emily covers her face with her French manicure while Sean keeps licking his lips. He hugs Arie, hugs "Jef," and then takes Emily's hand as she walks him out. "That's gotta be so tough," "Jef" whispers to Arie.
Emily and Sean sit down on a park bench. After a long silence, Sean says he doesn't know what to say. "What are you thinking about?" she asks him. He says he feels kinda stupid, because he knew he was ready to spend forever with her, and he didn't see it coming. Her eyes are welling up, and then she starts bawling. Doesn't he know that it's much harder for her to dump him than it is for him to be dumped? She squeaks out some foolishness about how she wanted it "to be him" so badly, which OBVIOUSLY ISN'T TRUE, and he magnanimously says if this is what's best for her, then it's OK, and he makes his way to the SUV of Broken Hearts. They hug, and he whispers, "I love you" one final time, which he probably should have kept in check.
Eventually, in the SUV, Sean says that when Emily walked out for the Rose Ceremony, he honestly thought to himself, "That's my wife." He had all week to think about it, and not once did he think he would be going home. "I want to love someone with every ounce of my being," he says. Yay, Sean for not crying! Emily sits back on the bench to sniffle and sob and provoke zero empathy from anyone watching anywhere.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He's glad Emily can feel better about herself for not sleeping with three guys this week. Now everyone can hold their heads up high! Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.